Don't believe the hype. I claimed to be rebeaking Velocity to help out TNM, but it's actually because I can't get enough of the Undertaker. YOU'RE GONNA PAY, YOU'RE GONNA PAY.
Despite the credits, I highly doubt we'll be seeing Edge or Rocky tonight. I wonder if they'll switch this Hogan's killer truck footage out for Shane's killer limo footage?
Our hosts are LADIES LOVE COOL JOSH and I LOVE YOU, UNDERTAKER'S NIECE.
DAMN YOU AND YOUR ALBINO HELLSPAWN (w/I WANT TO PRACTICE MY BANGING and RAINBOW CRYSTAL CARRIER #6) is gonna wrestle! I always secretly hope Rey will do more than one thing on SD so I can make additional stupid Rey/Raye jokes. His opponent is NOBODY JOBS BETTER THAN M-V-P. Wow…Kanyon is a little chunky, isn't he? Josh says "rubber match" and moves on before Tazz can think of anything clever to say. Kanyon ends up working Rey in the corner. Tazz doesn't want to know about Josh's joystick. Kanyon makes the mistake of lifting Rey for something, and gets ranaed. Bronco Busters a Rocket Buster. "What's up Hartford!" Rey is a suck-up. Kanyon escapes 619 by going outside, but eats a baseball slide kick. Kanyon shrugs it off and rams Rey's back into the corner post. Josh stupidly claims Kanyon could really hurt Rey and stop him from going to No Mercy. I guess making that kind of stupid claim to sell a Velocity match is his job, but Tazz ain't havin' it. Kanyon does more stuff, and pulls bends Rey backwards across the post, working the back. Sorta kinda ninja chokeout. Whose bettah than ninjas? Rey fights out, but Kanyon clubs him back down. And…goes back into ninja chokeoutery. Josh calls Tazz a genius. Kanyon…ends up giving Rey this odd vertical suplex out of a crossbody position as Tazz keeps on about joysticks. You said you didn't want to hear about them, Tazz. Kanyon catches a flying Rey again, but Rey manages to give him a reverse DDT anyway. Kanyon charges into the boots. Rey…slides between his legs, kicks him into the corner, and…gives him a running dropkick to the nuts. Ouch. A springboard nets us a butt-attack rather than the Mars Celestial Fire Surround, and Kanyon kicks out at two. Rey goes for an Asai moonsault, but Kanyon catches him and gives him a backbreaker. Kanyon covers with his feet on the ropes, which somehow causes Tazz to sing "You are the sunshine of my life." Oh, because it was a Stevie Wonder song, and even a blind dude could have seen Kanyon's feet. Yeah. Rey gets a neat, unnameable second-rope hotshot to set up the 21 Jump Street, the West Coast Poop Truck, and the win.
Still to come: Linda McMahon, from Smackdown. DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT DIAL!
Commercials. It's neat how each Y2Stinger flavor has it's own bimbo to hang out with Triple H.
Here's a special replay of the special Battlerap. My favorite was "I'm the dirty America, look in my eyes I'm right here, you're the American dream? I'm America's nightmare!" HE'S THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE! Just like WCW HEEEEL Dustin Rhodes! Tony…Tony…no, WCW… Also, Kurt can't win a medal in the Special Olympics…since he's, you know, not retarded or crippled.
Mike wonders how many HP of damage each rhyme delivers in Battlerap. BOOSH.
Commercials. 6'2….6'4.
Our Y2Sting of the Night is Matt and Shannon stinging Zack with their stingers. That they have.
HEY MATT, ARE YOU ANNOYED BY STUPID QUESTIONS? (his Matt fact says he's annoyed by…ugh, nevermind…w/UNDEFEATED AGAINST ZACH GOWEN) is set to do battle with DISCO DUX. Tazz: "Oh no, it's crazy dancing guy! I remember this guy! It's the guy who dances like he sat on a pointy object. This kid's a psycho! He dances like he's got a rabbit up his ass!" God damn this kid is awesome. His teeth are the size of his forehead and he dances…well…like he's got a rabbit up his ass. But he's happy about it. Matt does some rasslin, then declares himself V-1ah. Tazz tells us it's his birthday. Josh: "Happy birthday Tazz, you got your wish, you're sitting here with me on a Saturday night!" Tazz says he's 24, and Josh thinks he's 23. Tyson Dux gets a snapmare and a dropkick, then yells that he's V-1ah, then dances. Beautiful. Shannon has a priceless expression on his face, and Josh claims he (Shannon) is jealous of Dux's dancing. Dux dux a clothesline and gets some kinda toss. Tazz: "Flying mare executal…that's not grammically correct." Josh gets Tazz started on banana juice. Matt finally gets takes over with the side-effect, snake-eyes, and a clothesline. Tazz says it takes more than a dancing entertainer to beat Matt, then sings "Candyman" ala Sammy Davis Jr. He then admits that he knows that song because he's not really 24...he's 26. Dux gets a textbook ruthless roll-up (and his tights say "text book" on them,) so we head down the textbook road again. "He's got 'text book' on his tights!" "He's got a textbook on his tights?" "No, it's written…" and so on. Matt goes to the bow and arrow because he's a big ren fest geek. He's usually the leather mug maker. Dux counters something with a massive DDT. Josh: "Text Book, textbook DDT!" Tazz: "Ok, I was about to talk about the WWE championship come No Mercy in this Biker Chain Match, and you're screaming 'textbook' at me and I have no idea why." Tazz has really bad short-term memory, apparently. Tazz makes fun of Dux's tights. Dux gets a side-Russian legsweep, so our commentators speculate as to where the kid is really from, since he claims a new hometown every match. Tazz believes this is because every town he visits kicks him out when he dances. Matt charges into a knee, and eats a high crossbody from Dux. Tazz doesn't think Version 1ahhhhh can lose here, and the dancing doesn't change his mind. Somehow a second-rope Twist of Fate occurs, giving Matt the academic (like textbook ZING) win. The dancing was the best part of this. Tazz yells Version 1ah some more.
Commercials. This Sevendust video features Chyna fighting some guy managed by a midget. I fucking told you so.
The Snickers Cruncher Rewind is about crunchy, crunchy RAW sewage.
I HATE YOUR MUSIC MORE THAN TAZZ DOES is out. Awwww. Ahhhhhh. He's facing BEAU BEVERLY JUNIOR. Or Blake. Whichever one had the faggoty mustache to go with the faggity tights and robes. This kid totally stole the Beverlies' capes. While Shelton is out, he and Haas should do that move together. You know the one. I just noticed I spelled faggoty two different ways for some reason. Tazz claims he and the kids used to play in caca as kids. Josh wishes he grew up in da Hook. Kidman ranas Bobby Rude out of the ring after doing other stuff. Bobby is not Rick Rude's son. Rude was no banana juice swiggler. Anyway, he gets a kick in on Kidman, whips him into the stairs, and brings him back in for stomping, elbowing, and posing. "Jared Buck" sign. Who the fuck is Jared Buck? Kidman fights back some, but gets butterfly suplexed for 2. Josh: "I…" Tazz: "Hello, I'm still talking, hello!" Josh: "You're just gonna insult me!" Stop hurting him with your words, Tazz. Rude with the B&A. Lot of bows and arrows tonight. Kidman gets a dropkick, forcing me to pay attention to the match again. Josh: "Everyone is entitled to their opinion, you and Joey Numbers included." Tazz: "Thanks for telling me I'm entitled to my opinion, you little goof." Kidman does more jumping stuff, then a back body drop. Tazz says he likes Josh better than Michael Cole, that he will get Michael Cole fired, and he will get Josh the slot on Smackdown. OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Rude gets a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Josh promises to take Tazz to a bar with "dancing ladies" now that Tazz is old enough to drink. More stuff less interesting than the commentary happens. Rude even gets a spinebuster, but it only gets 2. Tazz: "Rude screaming for no reason in frustration…that would be the reason." Man…I'd watch golf if these two were calling the action. Kidman gets an enzoogweeree. Kidman climbs up for the SSP. Josh: "I think it's about time to pull the R trigger on your Gamecube." Tazz: "Shootin' Star Press time there sweet Charlie." What? Well, SSP hits, HUGE win for Kidman, etc.
Rundown crap. I'd like to see the Rundown with the MST3K crew. Or Josh and Tazz.
Commercials. IHOP has stuffed crepes. Stuffed…with CRAP. Boosh.
If you think I'm rebeaking the McMahon segment from SD again, you curaaayhzee.
This show was edited by a drunk. Possibly me. We cut mid-Cole-screaming to a No Mercy rundown. THE Rundown. Eddie vs Show in a ""Not About Mexican Delicatessens" match. Kurt vs Cena in a "Non-Battlerap" match. Tazz uses the term "Ground and Pound," which is actually, you know, correct.
Commercials. Dancing Beefeaters.
DIET SODAS ONLY, PLZ promises to give I AM SO JEALOUS OF TYSON DUX'Z DANCING SKILLZ some awesome gift on Smackdown. I'm betting it's a one-legged midget dressed as Zach Gowen. It will be the sun, of his solar system of Mattitude.
HAUNTED HAAS (wo/BOO BARN) is gonna take on SHO LONELY. Wow…Tazz really does hate the solar system. Haas outwrestles Sho to start…actually, it's kinda back and forth. Sho gets a near fall with what Josh calls "A Japanese Roll." Tazz totally misses the chance for a food joke. They wrestle some more. I'm sorry, I'm tired. The boys discuss Charlie and Sho's various strengths. Tazz: "There is a difference between speed and quickness you know." Josh: "Care to elaborate?" Tazz: "No." Funaki goes for a ten-punch countalong in the corner by a fan with a "PUSH FUNAKI" sign. Coincidence? No. Josh: "Sho Funaki treating Charlie Haas like a pinball machine here!" Tazz: "BING BING BING BING! BONUS! BONUS!" Haas escapes via snake-eyes, then gets a nasty backbreaker for 2. Josh: "Confidential up next!" Tazz: "BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! You know what that is?" Josh: "The eyeball?" Tazz: "The eyeball. I love the eyeball. I LOVE balls!" Tazz accidentally says he was thinking of Cole when he was talking about how much he loves balls. Tazz says "areola" when he meant "area," and is surprised when Josh knows the term. Josh: "I'm an expert on the human body." Tazz: "And you look like that?" There's a decent match going on too. Haas with a leg to the breadbasket. Josh: "Maybe they (dirty Japs) call it the Sushi Basket! HAHAHA!" Haas with an armbar. I missed most every move in this match. Funaki gets a neckbreaker to the neck area. Both men slow to rise, with Haas trying for a Samoan Drop or something, but Funaki countered it into a screwed-up DDT. Funaki with a bulldog for 2. Funaki is disoriented, which leads to "Orient" jokes. A top-rope crossbody leads to Haas rolling through for 2. Tazz makes a sushi joke that Josh doesn't get because he's poor. "How's that White Castle been treatin' ya?" "I LOVE WHITE CASTLE!" Sho tries for a Tornado DDT, but Haas escapsorz and gets the HOP for a submission win. I'm out, I'm out.
Final thoughts: Jesus, I gotta stop noting every other thing Tazz says. That took as long as a Smackdown rebeak!
Also, thanks to the format I use when giving these rebeak files titles, this appears to be EIW....V-ONEAAAAAAAAAH!
