Of all the horrible typos in that last SDbeak, my favorite was ,artial arts pro. I'm not gonna have time to proofread this one either, so good luck making sense of it.
So, I finished FFX2 (which I've only owned for like two weeks) today, and am completely underwhelmed. I mean, the first game's ending had me blubbering like a baby. A gay baby. A gay baby girl. Wait, lesbian babies are probably pretty butch, by baby standards. Anyway, FFX made me go all wussy, but FFX2's ending had me waiting patiently post-credits for some kind of additional sequence to make it all seem a little more worthwhile. Oh well, I hear there are multiple endings, including a "perfect" ending you can get through multiple playthroughs when you complete all the optional quests, so maybe I just got the "ass" ending. SPOPPOR: The far-away voices of Auron (OMG SPOPPORZ,) Jecht and Braska yelling at you during the final battles were less than helpful. "Oh, I should believe in myself, Dad? Thanks for the tip. What's that Jecht, give it to them? Nice strategy."
Fan signs: "Eddie 4 Mayor" (of any specific nation?) and "Beef 3:16." Also: "Al Padron Pennyless Pig." Aw, a Hurricane sign, how sweet. He should be king of this oh so green program. THERE'S A BRIGHT GOLDEN HAZE ON AKIO (w/THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH YOSHI TAJIRI) has his own music for some reason. He also has a very special replay of Sakoda jobbing to a Nidia-shot. Sublimely Magnificent Nidia Shot #3. SHO FU is out to work a super Jap match with monumental repercussions in the world of PURO. Well, not really, but if Bobby Heenan were here, he'd claim that every TV in Tokyo was tuned in for this. I almost called him Booby Heenan. Bill Demott, in his infinite heelishness, acts like attacking people with your blind girlfriend is all good. Sho dominates with dropkicks and armdrags, I guess. I was typing. Akio counters the ten-count punch-a-long with snake eyes. Then he does this running, jumping kick thing where he ends up hanging off the top-rope yelling at the audience. I'm gonna call it a Modified Matrix-like Maneuver. Triple M. Bill and Josh argue about their feelings. Ninja-Chokeout. Demott: "This is Sports Entertainment, 'As The World Turns' is on a different station." Wow…how informative. Sho does some ruthless rollups before eating a jumping leg lariat. Josh: "Shades of Hayabusa." He's talking about that guy from the NES game Pro-Wrestling. Akio goes for some sorta Tarantula-like move. Akio stomps. This is a good match, I guess, but I just never have the enthusiasm for this show after doing SD and without Tazz to perk me up. Akio does another Ninja-Chokeout. Demott: "Listen to Tajiri shouting out commands in Japanese! Where does he, where is the objective in that since all three men out there are Japanese!" Maybe the objective is for Akio to understand him, dumb ass. What should he use, Swahili? Here's the Matrix-like Manuever, which Josh calls a "Tiger Mask-like backflip!" Sho counters with a bulldog. Demott: "Funaki speaks Japanese!!" Nap-time, and now Sho does some punches and elbows and stuff. Sho ducks another jumping kick, and gets an enzoogweeree, but it only gets 2. Sho goes up top, and a high crossbody gets 2. Tajiri trips Sho up, but Sho ducks Akio's Pearl Harbor attack. Akio ends up outside and sunset flips back in, Sho drops to his knees in a pinfall attempt, Tajiri kicks Sho's head off from outside the ring, and Akio puts his feet on the ropes for good measure as he gets the 3. You know what Akio needs? His own finisher.
Commercials. What can you do for me? STOP SINGING.
Our Lugz is Fucking Retarded of the week is Chavo getting drozzled. Didn't we see that last week?
My spellchecker changed "drozzled" to "drizzled" on it's own. Now we get Chavo/Shelton highlights. SHOCK OF SHOCKS, Demott's Turning Point is Haas arguing with the ref. I swear I wrote the SDbeak before watching Velocity. "Eddie takes advantage of the Frog Splash on Shelton Benjamin." Que?
Commercials. Yuna should sing that "My United States of Whatever" song.
INNOVATOR OF PRETENDING TO BE DDP is teaming up with CHAD (w/EL REY and GRANDPA.) The jobber's name really is Chad Collyer. If he's anything like Mars' Chad or Evil Chad, he should be quite skilled at getting his ass kicked. Perhaps they are facing Team Tangle? Maybe Team Tango? No, it's TEAM HORIZONTAL RUMBA. Chad kicks in Paul's direction before the match starts, because he doesn't want to touch him. Demott: You do what to your TV?" Josh: "I SMACK it! I SMACK all sorts of stuff but I LOVE smackin' my TV!" Chad and Spanky start. If Chad gets a contract and starts tagging with Misterio, I will die and go to idiotic Sailor Moon jokes Heaven. Chad and Spanky do a nice mat sequence. Chad: "Come on baby!" Whoa. Chad with a shoulderblock. He avoids a monkey flip attempt and goes for a go-behind. Fag. Probably wants the rear-naked choke, but Spanky hip-tosses him. Armdrag, and Spanky goes for an armbar. Kanyon nails Spanky from the apron and tags in. Spanky whips him into the ropes and gets a leaping leg lariat. Triple L. Tag to London, and HBGay's team gets a deadly double-armdrag. London covers for 2. Kanyon fights back with a hard right hand. What an innovative punch. Tag to Chad, whom London beats up. Spinning leg lariat and an armdrag on Chad. Now London works his arm. PSYCHOLOGY! I hope Paul and Spanky are wearing fire-eating accessories, because they are so gonna eat Mars Celestial Fire Surround if they keep picking on Chad. Tag to Spanky as Josh announces that Chad was trained by the great Dean Malenko! Dean Malenko and Grandpa Hino, thank you. I wonder which one trained him to constantly lose? Demott: "Chad Collyer was a national finalist…at Manchester University." What? Spanky gets a Japanese armdrag (Chad's favorite kind!) and London gets a standing moonsault. Should have been a marssault. The ref finally gets that big cheater out of there so Spanky can beat up Chad in peace. Demott: "Every week I touch on the same thing!" Ew. Demott: "I hate to repeat myself…" THEN STOP. Chad whips Spanky towards the ropes, which Kanyon parts so Spanky will end up on the floor. Kanyon tosses him back in for some love and justice stomps. Chad with a back suplex. Chad punches London off the apron. You go, Chad. He's pretending Spanky is Katsy so he can fuel his blows with rage. And London is Darien. Yeah. Forearms for Spanky. Modified Ridge Hand, but not really. Tag to Kanyon, because it's all about teamwork. Teamwork and friendship. And doing more than one move before tagging. Kanyon gets a nice delayed vertical suplex. Josh asks what the difference between a delayed suplex and a regular suplex is, and Demott answers seriously instead of saying, "it's delayed, dumb ass." Kanyon with a backbreaker, and then he presses Spanky across his knee. Spanky knees his way out, but Kanyon prevents a tag by slamming him against the buckles. Kanyon setting up for the…whatever his old fireman's carry slam off the second rope was called (that was one of about ten moves called the Flatliner, right?) much to Josh's confusion. He thinks it's gonna be a "Kanyon Valley Driver" until he gets on the buckles, and then Josh is totally lost. Spanky escapes via sunset-flip powerbomb. Nice. Race for the tag. Get in there and do your JOB, Chadwick! He is first in and tries to take London off the apron, but eats a shoulderblock to the midsection and does a comical howl of anguish. There's the tag, and London knocks Chad's head off. Forearms aplenty for Kanyon, and a back elbow. Chad eats a back bodydrop. London dropkicks Kanyon and, still airborne, moonsaults onto Chad. Nice. Chad kicks out at two. DO IT FOR REI-CHAN!! Kanyon gets Paul in a full-nelson. Josh: "Paul can't have his eyes in the back of his head at all times." Spanky gets a missile dropkick on Kanyon to free Paul. Spanky now misses a baseball slide kick to Kanyon on the outside, but nothing comes of it. Chad tries for his trademark Chaplex, but London escapes, and Spanky slides in to deliver their combo STO thingie. Get well soon, Chad. There are temple chores to be done. Whoa, Chad is bleeding heavily from the mouth! Those two fags are begging to have a ruby red high-heeled shoe planted up their butts.
Commercials. What is the deal with the Japs and all female characters needing to become pop-star divas at some point anyway? And why does one of the dressspheres turn Yuna into a Dabo Girl?
Our Smackdown Here Comes the Painful Replay is Shannon MOOREMOOREMOORE being eaten by Big Show.
ORANGE JULIUS has a jobber match? He will be facing GREGG GROOTHUIS, who looks as goofy as his name makes him sound. He has super short hair and a big, fluffy goatee, and his back has one of those German Iron Cross tattoos. While I'm sure everyone with the good taste to read rebeaks at the WV has some basic knowledge of world history, I'd like to take a second and point out, for the millions involved in the current black-cross fad who seem unaware, THAT'S A FRICKIN' REFERENCE TO NAZIS. White Supremacist bikers imported that symbol because it was slightly less overtly racist than the swastika. That's why it looks so natural on Triple H. Anyway, that has soured my mood measurably (though I'm not sure what the standard unit of mood sourment is) and I'm actually rooting for OJ now, despite Groothuis' enormously funny name. Oh, and he did some kinda Iron Claw sign, which is a reference to the Von Erichs (FRITZ and WALDO, who were TEXAS NAZIS.) Texas Nazis are almost as bad as Illinois Nazis. Wow, the match rebeak shouldn't be as long as this pre-match segment. Anyway, they do some go-behinds and stuff like gayfags. Josh talks about Shannon's current angle, and has the class to cough delicately before saying "Raw" on a Smackdown brand show. Demott says a bunch of nothing as Groothuis calls Jordan "boy." SHOCK. OJ goes for an armdrag. Josh talks about Demott's mom. Gregg keeps shoulderblocking OJ and calling him "fat boy," which has a certain irony seeing as Groothuis is carrying a lot more flab than OJ is. OJ with another armdrag. And another. Now an armbar. Way to mix things up, OJ. Fireboy's carry slam by OJ, but Gregg somehow escapes and starts clubberin'. Gregg charges OJ in the corner. I wish this was Groothuis vs Collyer. Gregg does some boring hold and OJ fights back with dropkicks. Dropkicks and armdrags. Josh and Demott talk about the world title situation, and Josh calls Cena "the Mayor of Thuganomicsville." Back bodydrop by OJ, and now some punches. Johnson Shuffle, and he finally does his damn neckbreaker to end it.
Commercials. "Oh, I should end it, Auron? I was planning on playing with Vegnagun for a few hours, but yeah, maybe I should end it. Idiot."
There wasn't even an FFX2 ad there. I cheat. Josh trots out "Mayor of Thuganomicsville" again, and we see a bunch of Cena/Benoit/Brok highlights. At one point, Benoit does that leaping shoulderblock/chop thing. SHADES OF STARMAN!
Commercials. Maybe Paine's heart can go backwards. Rikku's goes sideways.
OK, I've been forced to turn the sound down, so now I can't hear the commentary. Even with Demott on the mic, I still get half of my rebeak from commenting on commentary. Oh well. Our main event, fresh from the ovens of Hell (and no, Sean O'Haire is not involved) is DOINK, I ORDER YOU TO DESTROY CHRIS BENOIT vs FARROOQQ, I ORDER YOU TO STOP BEING BLACK. Rhyno is SO going to job. Bradshaw gets a side headlock but Rhyno fights out. Bradshaw shoulderblocks Rhyno and hip-tosses him. Rhyno, former ECW champion, goes for some punches. Bradshaw, former steer raper, no-sells them and pitches Rhyno into the buckles. Bradshaw slams Rhyno, then gives him a shoulderblock from behind. Bradshaw gets tossed outside, but he lands on his feet and instantly pulls Rhyno out and throws him into the steps. Bradshaw slaps him around like he was Funaki and tosses him back in. Rhyno Pearl Harbors Bradshaw as he enters the ring, but Bradshaw ignores him until Rhyno goes to the eyes. Tazz would claim he hooked that eye. Demott is probably talking about leg-hooking. Rhyno charges Bradshaw in the corner, then gives him a short clothesline for…maybe ¾ of a count. Rhyno goes for a front facelock, but gives up on that and throws some forearms. Rhyno punches away before covering for 2. Rhyno with chops, a snap-mare, and a Rhinoceros Chokeout. So boring. Bradshaw fights up. The crowd is silent. Oh wait, the sound is turned down. Well, they're probably silent anyway. Bradshaw gets a DDT, and everyone stops to nap. When both men are up, Bradshaw brawls a bit, gets some non-Hellish clothesline, and surprises me with a floatover suplex for 2. Rhyno charges and goes for a crossbody (????) to set up the Last Call (oh.) Rhyno reverses a whip, then pulls the ref in front of a Clothesline From Hell attempt. Bradshaw put on the brakes in time, eats a double-axehandle, and then…catches Rhyno with a big boot. For 3!?!? Note to Bradshaw: FUCK YOU. Fan sign: "Bradshaw Meet Me At The Bar." Gay bar. Maybe this guy is planning to set it on fire. Flaming Gay Bar. Rhyno GOARES Bradshaw after the match. Good. The former New Blackjack deserves much worse. He killed the White Angel Hakushi, you know. For having the word "White" in his name while being a dirty Nip.
Final thoughts: I used all my "good" jokes in the SDbeak.
