If anyone actually read and is confused by the line above that’s supposed to tell you what city this originated in, it’s a homage to Chico Marx. Ah, for the days when gross ethnic stereotypes were acceptable in movies. I mean, we still have them, but now people gripe about it.
SAD NEWS: The YouTube video responsible for the (part 2 of) kinda joke was pulled. Come the fuck on, that episode isn’t even available on DVD, so how is a two minute clip of it’s opening credit sequence (and then a guy going “I HAVE THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH OVER ALL OF YOU!!!!”) costing anyone money?
Wow, I think that “Boyz from tha South” song must cost like, a nickel to license, cause it’s everywhere. We even hear the first few measures, which are really gay and generally excised. Boo, here comes the boo, ready or not, here comes the fans who hate Cena.
WHEN IT COMES CRASHIN’ DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIDE, A GENTLE LAXATIVE MAKES THE PAIN SUBSIDE is here. JR: “This is the ovation that the Dallas Mavericks woulda got, if they’d won the NBA title!” Sure, kick ‘em when they’re down, hoss. He summons SOME DIVA SEARCH BIMBO. Haha, I kid, as this is Brooke Hogan, who is no way a vapid bleach-blonde bimbo with no innate talent of her own. Lawler: “Oh baby! It just keeps gettin’ better and better!” He squeals that in a way that is unintentionally more lecherous than Orton can achieve when making a concerted effort to appear creepily into the girl. Lawler: “Let me see Brooke again!” Hogan holds the ropes so Brooke can do a modified Kiebler. And that’s a real short dress, now that I think about it. Hey Hulk, why don’t you just remove your daughter’s vagina, wrap it in saran wrap, slap it on a scale, and charge us by the pound? The crowd cheers, of course. Brooke gets to talk first. Brooke: “I have always dreamt about this moment.” If she then gave him an uppernutter and called out Hall and Nash or Ric Flair or the Ghost of Andre or anyone to do a heel beatdown, I’d actually like her. Haha, the local news weather super Doppler radar whatever starts beeping and a ticker of warning information scrolls across the screen, allowing me to pretend it says “Warning, Randy Orton is going to invade and start a horrible angle with you.” Brooke: “I just hope that my career can be as successful as my father’s…” It won’t be. She mugs horribly, doing the “I am old and cannot hear your cheers” thing. Hulk: “As far as looks go, thank God she looks like my wife Linda.” I doubt her music industry handlers would bother building music videos around her if she was fluorescent orange and already bald on top. Hulk sez has was in the first Saturday Night’s Main Event in 1985. That was four Doctor Whos ago. Should that be Doctor Whose? Hulk: “Hulkamania is still runnin’ wild brother.” I WOULD LIKE TO CHALLENGE YOUR DAUGHTER TO TEAM WITH MR. T’S DAUGHTER AGAINST PIPER AND ORNDORF’S DAUGHTERS WHILE I WATCH FROM RINGSIDE AND SHORT-STROKE IT is here, and he brought a rose! Ah, that’s sweet. Hulk gives us “I was not expecting this interloper and I am suspicious of his motives” while Brooke gives us “Remember, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.” Randy says Brooke is beautiful, and she’s all happy. Randy: “Now Brooke, I’d like to present you this rose on behalf of all the Hulkamaniacs of which I am one of as well.” I suppose since Cowboy Bob Orton Senior died over the weekend I shouldn’t be mocking Randy, but the thing is, I doubt this is grief affecting his promo so much as his regular incompetence. Randy: “Now Hulk, since you are a legend among legends, and since *pause* I am the legend killer, I would like to respectfully sir, respectfully challenge you to a match at Summerslam.” And then kill you. Hogan lifts the mic, then pauses for cheers. Hogan: “Well since you respectfully challenged me to a match at Summerslam, I respectfully accept!” You could feel him fighting back the urge to say “brother.” Hulk and Randy shake hands. Did Randy just, uh, forget to RKO Hulk and rape his daughter? Or will this be the first slow-build angle in like three years?
Batista package. Melina once got to touch it. Now Mark Henry invades the montage.
Our going to break graphic features Batista, Rey and Lashley, and says “6 Man Tag Action!” I worry not so much that this confuses non-fans tuning in out of curiosity (because there are none) but instead that it telegraphs the results a bit if you don’t even bother to mention who they’re facing.
Commercials. Some new NBC series called “Heroes.” One episode about Liu Bei, and one about Cao Cao, and then straight to repeats.
KING REGAL (w/SIR LANCELOT) is here. Well, Lance Storm isn’t really here, but anyway. He’s introducing THE KING OF CHEAP-SUITERY (w/I AM WILLING AND ABLE TO COME GET SOME.) His tag partners will be introduced by…who is that guy? I know I’ve heard him doing ring intros before, but I thought he was a third-string guy. Anyway, his partners are new US champion MY LIEGE, I HEREBY PROPOSE YOU AND BENOIT WRESTLE A MILLION TIMES TO SEE WHO WILL ULTIMATELY END UP JOBBING TO ME and…well, just Finlay for now, as JBL shocks me by declaring that Leprechauns don’t exist (to prove Cole wrong when Cole says a Leprechaun helped Finlay win the US Title.) Their partner, who will tragically disappear after this match, is YUNA, I’M SORRY I COULDN’T SHOW YOU SADDLE BROOK NEW JERSEY. The only guy reading this who would get the Saddle Brook New Jersey reference has never played FFX. The dream threesome will be facing, first, IF I GO TO ECW I WILL DO A GIMMICK AS A ZOMBIE WHO ONLY EATS OATMEAL. Because JBL thinks he has oatmeal for a brain. It’s funny, trust me. Next out is REY MISTE…I MEAN BATISTA. I’m shocked Rey gets the last entrance. But here is the world champion, YOU GUYS TAKE BOOK FINLAY AND HENRY, I’LL TAKE THE LITTLE BASTARD. Haha, nice, another Super Doppler ticker, so I can pretend it says “The Patella Fracturing Watch has been updated to a Patella Fracturing Warning.” Lashley and Finlay start, to a “Batista” chant. Lashley powers Finlay into the corner and does shoulderblocks. He sends Finlay to the corner, charges after him, Finlay gets his boot up, but Lashley catches it, pulls Finlay in, and belly2bellies him across the ring to finally end this run-on sentence. Everyone comes in and does a stand-off to send us to a commercial break.
Commercials. There’s a whole different set of commercials from what I’m used to, but I still don’t want to rebeak them.
We’re back, and haha, Finlay has a ninja chokeout applied to Rey Misterio. We go to break with Lashley destroying Finlay, and come back with Finlay beating the world’s champion. Rey gets to his feet and fights out of the hold, but Finlay clotheslines him down. JBL: “On like a pot of neckbone like Donkey Kong as they say here in Texas!” I thought Texans would be more into Donkey Tonk. JBL, on Finlay: “Grandfather wrestler!” No wonder Rey is after him. Just like the Monster of the Day from the wrestling school episode, trying to give Grandpa Hino a flying knee smash in the corner. Finlay sends Rey to the ropes, but Rey stops himself, kicks Finlay, and gets an Asai moonsault. Booker and Mark break up the count at 2. Rey’s allies and the ref both go yell at Booker, who has fled to the aisle, and WHO DOESN’T EXIST NOW, BITCH? comes out from under the ring! JBL and Cole are both yelling about the Leprechaun, so I guess JBL thinks they’re real again. HAHAHAHA, YES, Finlay holds Rey’s leg like he’s going to apply a Boston crab, but instead of turning him over, he just leaves him there so the Leprechaun can get in repeated shillelagh shots! GANGLAND LEPRECHAUN BEATDOWN. It’s like whichever Leprechaun movie was “In the Hood.” Lashley and Batista come over to save, with Batista hilariously kicking the abandoned shillelagh out of the ring without taking his eyes off of Misterio. JBL is now back to denying the existence of Leprechauns, so I guess the angle is he’s going to be all Bobby Heenan and deny that he was able to see the heels cheating. JBL makes another crack about the Leprechaun vs Tazz in a stepladder match (and once again his grammar was perfect as it was me making a rare quotation typo that fouled up the Smackbeak. I mean, I make typos all the time but I’m generally pretty careful when quoting someone else’s words.) The ref clears the ring of all the illegals (except Rey HAHAHA give me some dap JBL) and Finlay gives Rey that butt-splash thing. Tag to Booker, who…stomps, mostly. Tag to Mark Henry. Mark lifts Rey and headbutts him. SHADES OF ZIDANE. Now he tries to fatvalanche Rey, but Rey dodges. Kicking his leg out of his leg and stuff, and Mark goes down. Dropkick to Henry’s head. Tag to Batista, but Booker blocked nWo referee Nick Patrick from seeing it. The heels drag Rey back to their corner and tag in Booker. Booker tries…something, and Rey ranas him. He crawls to the wrong corner, then does this goofy spot where he crawls through Finlay’s legs, then Booker’s legs, then Finlay’s leg again, and then Booker’s legs again. Did Mark Henry’s patella already eat a boat? I don’t see him. Tag to Batista, who clotheslines Book and Fit a lot. Super Doppler warning: houses may catch on fire here. I wind it back a bit, and sure enough, Nick Patrick did the dreaded sign of X-Factor and Booker actually stopped to talk to Henry and Dave looked concerned and I pretty much failed to notice because Cole and JBL were so on-task in their commentary. Seriously, kudos to those two. And to me for being the perfect wrestling viewer: unobservant. Back to “live” action now, as Booker rather ironically has Rey in 619 position. He just pulls him up, oh, I guess I didn’t fastforward far enough, because duhr, Rey breaks free and tags Dave for the house afire segment. Dave does an over-the-shoulder powerslam on Finlay. Then he sends Finlay to the ropes, but Papa Shangos and gets kicked in the face. Finlay runs to the ropes, then stops in confusion as Booker charges Batista too. Book gets spinebustered, Finlay gets pulled outside by Lashley and they’re obviously having a bit of trouble improvising around Henry’s injury. Batista does some Ultimate Warrior rope-shaking. There’s the thumbs-up into thumbs-down pose which has never once made sense since the Evolution break-up was finalized. Booker crawls to the ropes for some reason, so instead of Dave finishing him off, Rey tags in for 619. Wait, nevermind, there was no tag, as Batista finished with the Davebomb. JBL: “You can’t beat a king on NBC!” Uh, I tend to think you can. Fan sign: “Purple haired freak.”
Backstage, I LIKE BIG COCKS AND I CANNOT LIE is giving a pep talk to MALE QUEERLEADERS. Hahaha, queerleaders. Hey, I haven’t seen anyone use it yet. Never mind that anyone who is using that in recaps or forums is also misspelling 90% of the rest of their words. Vince says a lot of nothing before a split screen brings DALEK XENOPHOBES into the picture. If you ain’t down with that, they gots one word for ya: EXTERMINATE! Anyway, DX introduce a wacky sketch of hilarious zaniness in which they overdub Vince McMahon and the Spirit Squad. Vince is pulling off his coat in enthusiasm, so Triple H dubs him “old” and goes into this prolonged, disturbing spiel about how he (Trips as Vince) wants the Spirit Squad to strip him naked, tie him up and spank him. One of the Spirit Jackoffs (hahaha, forgive me, I can just never allow that Triple H witticism to fade) has “a chin that looks like Jay Leno!” That’s a pretty complicated shape for a chin to resemble. Now Triple H talks about spanking some more. Then normal audio is resumed as Vince says he and Spirit Squad will never be embarrassed by DX again. In fairness, Trips and Shawn should be the embarrassed ones, since they both kind of tried to do goofy falsetto voices for Spirit Squad and couldn’t, really. Then there’s completely random and unexplained fart foley.
Commercials. Whoa, the local NBC died for a second. Man, I thought I’d stumbled onto a guilt-free way to avoid the rest of this show.
We’re back, and ARE WE MN NOW OR NM? are here. Melina didn’t always have that weird bleached…column in her hair, did she? Their opponents in this mixed tag match are CARLITO CANADIAN COOL. Trish and Carlito. Shut up. Carlito hates Nitro and Melina because they banished Mercury from our universe, so now he cannot use thermometers to tell how cool it is. I told you to shut up. Lawler: “I’m sorry I can’t hear you, I was blinded by passion there for a minute.” No typo there folks, he really said that. Carlito and Nitro start. Nitro teases a lock-up, then tags Melina. Carlito is thus forced to tag Trish. I hope Melina teases a lock-up and then tags Nitro. Melina gets in a few shots, Trish fires back, back and forth. Melina reverses a whip, and Nitro trips Trish. Melina…gives Trish a wet willy? JR thinks Melina’s thumb went into the eye, but I don’t know why Melina sucked her thumb first. Trish chops back, puts Melina in the cool corner, and chops her breasteses. Yuck, Carlito licked her hand first. Melina tries to tag out, but Nitro encourages her to fight some more. Melina does some flying…something attempt that sees both girls down hard. Both tag out. Carlito punches a bit, sends Nitro to the ropes, and dropkicks him down. Nitro tries something fancy, but Carlito counters it with a wheelbarrow suplex. JR: “Wheelbarrow action!” Both girls come in and roll around and catfight. Carlito watching, allowing Nitro to sneak behind him. Going for the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!?!? That’s just cold, stealing Joey’s finisher. Carlito counters it (meaning it really is the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody and not just a normal neckbreaker) and gets the Arch Deluxe for the win.
Commercials. I don’t think the couple from the Sonic ads have a very happy marriage.
Exterior shot of the American Airways arena, and it’s AA logo. Flair spent about three hours screaming at that logo, asking it where the party was at before dying of heat stroke.
Earlier tonight, ECW SUPERSTAR THE ZOMBIE appeared and gave the crowd the sign of the Iron Claw! Oh, that’s the not dead Von Erich, my mistake. I heard Von Erich and just assumed.
I’m sorry.
This special cage elimination match will not feature any cages being eliminated, what a gyp. Instead, idiotic “holding cages” are beside the otherwise cageless ring, and the Spirit Squ…any eliminated wrestlers will go into those cages. Like penalty boxes, but they’re made of FLESH-RIPPING STEEL. Spooky green lights and a voice on the PA system telling us “you better get ready, to bow to the Master” can only mean the arrival of THE DUNGEON OF DOOM. Oh, “Masters,” not “Master.” Coach should spontaneously appear to help Lawler to tell us to be quiet as the Masters enters. Haha, actually, as the DX music started, a Super Doppler Alert immediately interrupted. Warning: these guys were never funny. OMG THEIR TITANTRON VIDEO FEATURES A BRIDGE BLOWING UP THEY’RE TERRORISTS. JR yells “the antiestablishment!” over a close-up of Vince McMahon’s son-in-law! JR: “The attitudal!” Stop talking, JR. DX has two words for us. Here comes WE GET THE SECOND ENTRANCE BECAUSE THE TRADITION OF FIVE-MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS RULES. JR tells us George W. Bush was a male cheerleader, and I could swear he’s mentioned that before. JR: “In my younger days I spent a couple of minutes in a holding cell.” Lawler, on the other hand, spent a couple of hours in a holding cell for touching a female in her younger days. Shawn Michaels starts with Mikey. MICHAELS VS MIKEY, THE FINAL CONFLICT. Michaels is immediately put in the homoerotic, green tights corner. Guess I should be more specific, the Spirit Squad corner. The ref stops Trips from coming in, allowing the Spirit Squad to bring in their megaphone. Michaels gets it and kills them all. Lawler: “You gotta love DX (why?) because their motto is do unto others what you think is funny.” Well, as long as someone thinks it’s funny, I suppose. I’m a bit guilty on that score. I doubt a national network audience would really enjoy me making jokes about Sarah Jane Smith tossing Artemis into the ropes and Artemis skinning the cat. The Spirit Squad gather on the outside, huddle, and wait patiently to get hit with a plancha. But this is DX, so they just blast an air horn near them. Someone, Mitch apparently, runs right into Sweet Chin (shaped like Jay Leno!) Music and gets eliminated. OH MY DX IS WINNING THIS IS SURELY A MAJOR UPSET.
Commercials. I double hate DX.
When we come back, I shit you not, the three Spirit Squad members are arranged so one is lying on his back with the megaphone stuck on his head, another is lying face-down in his crotch, and the third is behind the second one and arranged in a way that resembles gay assramming queerfaghomo sexings. I hope we get a replay so we can see what completely natural course of events made that happen. Both DXers clothesline someone out, and another member of the Spirit Squadron runs into a spinebuster by Triple H…for 3. Whoever that was joins two Spirit Squad members already eliminated because we missed an elimination during the break. So now DX has already eliminated most of the team and made it 2 on 2 against the guys who couldn’t hit a single move when it was 5 on 2, and I think the drama and tension may be a little strained here. The one with the sweatband hits a punch or two, does a runny-aroundy, whoop-dee-doo in yo hair session, and the Spirit Squad dude bails. He walks up the ramp, but Michaels follows him and beats him up at the top of the ramp. THE SPIRIT SQUAD’S MOST VALUABLE SIXTH MAN sneaks out and hits Michaels with a steel chair. Spanks him, you might say. JR: “What an evil, demonic…rich son of a bitch!” Hey, he gave you your job back. Inexplicably. Kenny sends Shawn back in, and tags in…one of the two guys on the apron. What the fuck? There’s only two in the holding cage now, so I guess we didn’t miss an elimination? Now I’ve got the Jon Hunt “not afraid to admit I have no idea what’s going on” vibe going, but unlike Jon, I’m rebeaking stuff in English and can’t plead a language gap. We did, however, miss whatever set those three SSers up for their gay orgy that we saw coming back from the break. Kenny has Shawn in the corner and leans backwards on him as another cheerleader sets to Stingar Splash or something, and this can’t end well for them…oh, wow, it does, as Kenny gives him a little boost and he jumps up and…(part 2 of) kinda chops Shawn. Vince heads to the ring and JR talks about Jerry Jones. Double J. Some Spirit Squad dude (Double S) uses a sleeper, and Michaels counters with a back suplex. Tag to Kenny, who goes up top and misses a legdrop on Michaels. Next time, do a move on Michaels to stun him. Tag to Trips, who kills everyone with clotheslines and high knees. Some SSer reverses a whip, Papa Shangos, and gets facebusted. Spinebuster. Pedigree set up, but one SSer saves another SSer. They both whip Trips to the rope, but he clotheslines both. Pedigree for someone who isn’t Michaels, Vince, or the ref. It gets 3. The one with the chin that looks like Jay Leno gets whipped across the ring, leapfrogs HHH, and lands right in a superkick for 3. Whoever is last gets slammed by Trips. HBK goes up, Macho Elbow. How do can you possibly finish this now? You’ve used all your finishers. Oh, superkick, and the guy wanders into a pedigree afterwards. JR: “They’re pitching a shutout!” You have to admire his ability to sound surprised. The match is over, but Vince decides for whatever reason to slug the referee. He steals his key. Lawler: “Mister McMahon is trying to release the Spirit Squad!” So…if he hadn’t attacked the ref, the Spirit Squad would have been left in there for months until the last one, having eaten the other four, died in his own filth? Vince opens the cage, but the SSers are in the back, telling him to check his six. You know, instead of struggling to get out. Vince turns into like the eight-hundredth super kick of this match, staggers into the cage, and now they’re all locked in there. What do you think they’ll do with them? Does Dallas have any large pits of fake poop where they might be dropped? JR: “Mr. McMahon is stacked up like cordwood!” Like one piece of cordwood. Shawn and Trips gingerly climb to the top of the holding cage. Shawn gives us slow, careful crotch chops. I hear the Spirit Squad is being broken up soon. Perhaps Vince McMahon can destroy DX with the Squirtle Squad.
Commercials. Now the esurance dude steals top secret…uh, insurance stuff from the pink-haired girl. Whom he calls Erin. The plot just gets thicker and thicker.
Sabu tells us, in a scary close-up, that he is suicidal and homicidal and a mouse named Fievel. God, I loved that joke. But did it generate fan mail? Noooo. You kids today with your hula-hoops and I dunno.
We’re back, and here’s SO-KHAL VAL (w/ DAIVARI BORASH.) Daivari sez blah blah blah blah “giant.” PA system: “Weeeeeell…” Indeed, this segment is being invaded by BIG SHOW, EXTREME LEGEND (w/A PONY-TAIL WIELDING BODYGUARD.) If you play Big Show’s musou mode, it does the normal rockin’ guitar lyck and the words “The Legend of Big Show” appear, but instead of seeing nifty background graphics shaped like a sword or something, it’s shaped like a ham hock. JBL: “The first man to hold WWE, WCW and ECW champion!” In a big group hug. Big Show makes nice. Fan sign: “FREE VANDAM!” I bet it’s factory irregular wholesale. Big Show: “Whoohoohoo you’re a big boy!” Shane Douglas on steroids. You know, when he was vaguely good. Well, never. Big Show: “WC-ditle…WCW heavyweight title.” Show compliments Khali for dominating the Undertaker. SPEAK OF THE BIG RED BOOGER DEVIL AND HE WILL APPEAR, POSSIBLY, BUT HIS MUSIC WILL DEFINITELY PLAY actually does show up, which undermines my nickname a little but it still works. Anyway, normal drawn-out Taker entrance, and when he gets in the ring he punches Khali a few times. Khali falls out of the ring backwards in just as awkward a way as you could imagine that didn’t involve hurting himself. Taker turns to Show, who pantomimes “I’m just a casual observer” and then attacks Taker when the dead man turns his back. Punches. Taker fires back. Blows traded. Taker takers over, but Show eventually throws a knee. Taker ducks something and goozles Show, which finally prompts Khali to return. It may not seem to the reader that he’s been gone long, but I skipped a great deal of punching. Khali and Show double chokeslam Taker. JBL: “Khali (long pause) will pay.” Huh? I thought you thought he was gonna win? The big doofs leave. Here’s a replay. Cole tells us Khali and Taker will have a Punjabi Prison Match. JBL: “And they won’t come out the same as they went in!” They’ll be several minutes older.
Commercials. Badass dude in Miami Vice ad: “There’s undercover and then there is which way is up.” Aka undercover and really drunk.
Backstage, Show and Heyman walk around. THE GRISH MAN wants to ask them a question. Show invites us to tune in on Tuesday to see “an extreme giant.” Then he challenges Taker to stink up ECW worse than ever.
CAN ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT THAT THING ON THE CEILING IS? enters in his lovely, shiny A-rab pants and carrying a chair. I hope he tries to throw it into the ring and doesn’t get enough height like he did one time recently, but sadly, it makes it. His opponent, already in the ring, is STEVIECORP NEVER SOLD OUT BECAUSE NO ONE OFFERED TO BUY US. Poor Stevie. You’d think if anything would give him a shot at getting TV time as a non-jobber it would be the return of ECW, and even that hasn’t worked out. Stevie flat-out runs away from Sabu to start. He begs off again. This is “extreme rules,” so why is the ref stopping Sabu from attacking Stevie in the ropes? Stevie comes out of the ropes, and right into a chairshot. Sabu sets the chair up in the ring to give Stevie the one-man version of Whisper in the Wind. That’s just how extreme Sabu is, he’s encapsulated the faggotry of both Hardy Boyz. Now he sets up the triple-jump moonsault, and he stumbles a little on the third jump, but come on, it’s not exactly the easiest move to do. Joey Styles: “EXTREME SEXUALITY!” Stevie kicks out. Sabu fetches a table and throws it into the ring. Stevie finally clubbers a bit as Sabu sets it up. He gets Sabu in the corner and tries a crotch-first charge, but Sabu evades and Stevie Palumboizes his crotch. Chucks the Palumbo. Sabu now sets Stevie on the table and drags it around, causing one half of the table to collapse. Stevie is now laying back at like a 135 degree angle as Sabu goes up top with a chair. Sabu…seems to try to use his elbow to drive the chair into Stevie, but just sort of tosses it on him as Sabu jumps down. Huh. It gets 3. Now Sabu does an Arabian Facebuster. The ref tries to make him cut it out, so Sabu chases him away.
Backstage, ON YOUR KNEES, CUNT and TEEHEE YOU’RE SO CUTE RANDY are talking. We go to Brooke’s music video, with some Black guy (or possibly a pretend Black guy, he’s lit pretty weird) speaking in the background. Lyrics include: “No, ok, eh.” And we’re back. CHECK IT OUT, I’M GONNA HOROWITZ THIS GUY is Hulk Hogan, who slaps Randy really hard on the back. GET IT? Orton begs off. Hulk looks annoyed. Hulk: “It never ends.” You mean your wrestling career? ZING! Brooke gets in the car, and then Randy surprise RKO’s Hulk across the trunk. Brooke gets out, and doesn’t know it was Randy’s fault. Gee, hope she doesn’t have her national TV debut Tivo’d or anything. Hey, remember what I said about doing a slow-burn feud with these two? I think waiting an entire segment for disingenuous fake-babyface Randy Orton to blindside his opponent counts as slow-burning now.
Commercials. “America’s Got Talent!” really oughta be called “America’s Got Talent?” Maybe not.
Before the break, RKO. JR: “Turtle…total disrespect!” Later: “What Orton has done has literally spat in the face of Hulkamania!” I must have missed the spitting part.
Grisham asks us if we’re ready for the finals of the Diva Bull-Riding Contest. Wait, we only get the finals!? You mean I missed preliminary Diva Bull-Riding action!? Lawler: “You see, that bull has horns! Huh!” JR is sulking about Orton. Out first is I WILL TEACH THIS BULL WHO IS BOSS HAHA BECAUSE I’M A TEACHER I THINK is first. She rides for twelve painfully unsexy seconds. Out next is HMM…THIS BULL IS SIGNIFICANTLY LARGER THAN STEVIE’S PENIS. What the fuck is she wearing around her neck, a dead skunk? Her makeup has this weird white and black stripe motif. Oh, it’s feathers in her hair or something. Victoria only rides for seven seconds. Then she spazzes out, so maybe this is part of the least important angle ever. JR: “Smackdown gets a victory over RAW! That doesn’t happen very often.” Victoria breaks the bitches’ yardstick. Michelle could care less, really.
Video packages. Jesus Christ, did John Cena rescue the Earth from the aliens from Independence Day or something? Take the heroic music and cheers down a few notches. Now we get an Edge package. JR: “What a jerk!”
Backstage, Edge and Lita exist.
Commercials. Snakes. On a plane.
CENA IN A CENA COSTUME is out first, because tradition rules. Even if the belt has been ruined. The champion, EDGE IN AN EDGE COSTUME (w/LITA IN A HALF-NAKED COSTUME) is out as well. How can this be the main event? Not a single member of DX is involved! I double hate that the WWE Championship graphic has the spinny retardo belt. Fan sign: “Edge > Cena.” Is that Matt Striker? Being a math smark, I wanted to hit Striker when he kept referring to “Edge > Cena” as an equation. It’s an inequality…if there’s no equal sign, it’s not an equation. Equation means, for all intents and purposes, “something with an equal sign in it.” Like, JG = boring his readers right now. We get the whole boxing-style intros where both guys are introduced in the ring after their entrances. I dig that for Steamboat vs Flair (which would make a great main event for the first neo ECW ppv) but not so much for this. Cena gets a healthy helping of boos, which is funny because he was the goddamned messiah in his video package. There’s the bell. Edge bails immediately and starts for the back with his title. What are you, a fucking Quebecer? Oh, pardon me, they didn’t even bother with him taking the title, as Cena immediately stops him. Edge goes to the eyes, rolls Cena in, but gets hot-shotted as he tries to reenter the ring. Cena charges around like an idiot and gets sent outside by the old low-bridge. Edge is also hurt. Somewhere, Michael Cole is screaming “NO ON IS ROOOOOOLLING!”
Commercials. S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, NIGHT! I had this ex-girlfriend I could crack up by singing that song with tons of mock enthusiasm. Maybe she didn’t realize that it was mock enthusiasm. That would explain a lot, actually.
We’re back, and Cena is sending Edge into the ropes, Papa Shangoing, and getting clotheslined. Edge puts Cena up top (JR: “Set astraddle!”) and Edge wants a superplex. And…Edge completely fucks up trying to step up top, and both guys crash and burn. JR: “Lita, the Lita factor on the outside!” Yo now you dealin’ with tha Lita Factor. Replays of the stuporplex. Both men up, and Edge clotheslines Cena down. Medium-sized boot, and a cover for 2. JR: “The WWE title continues here!” How bad were things in the commentary booth that we needed him back? Edge and Cena trade punches. Haha, every time Edge punches there’s a whole section that yells “YAH” and every time Cena punches that section yells “BOO!” Very TNA. They even keep up when the punches get all rapid-fire. Cena wins and goes into clothesline mode. Flying shoulderblock. Weird twisty sideslam thing. You can’t see me (the ultimate move to use against the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and forgive me if I’ve already used that but Google seems to ignore big chunks of this site when you try to search the archives) and here comes the Five Knuckle Shuffle, complete with “I double hate you Cena” salute. Oh, wait, he skipped the salute, actually. I still hate him. Looking for the F-U, and he gets it, but Lita pulls the referee out of the ring. Cena wanders around looking for Lita, Edge tries a blindside spear, Cena evades, and now he gets Edge in the STFU. Chioda is back up, but Lita slaps him before he can even check to see if Edge is tapping. Chioda calls for the bell. Edge taps a bit late…I think he was probably supposed to be tapping, but Chioda called for the bell faster than expected. But this is definitely a Dusty Finish, if you wheeeeeel. Cena thinks he’s won the title, but I think DEY’S A WOMAN IN DA MEN’S ROOM TONY! Cena’s eight-year old female fans also think he’s the champion, and the ref raises his arm, but the announcer tells us Cena won by DQ. Cena looks pissed even before the announcer tacks on the traditional “but because the title cannot change hands on a disqualification” speech. Cena turns…into a spear. Edge rolls out of the ring to get his belt from Lita. The Dusty Finish was clearly the best way to end your big network TV “please watch us on cable casual fans” show. Edge and Lita celebrate, and Cena comes flying out of nowhere to attax! Couldn’t tell from the camera angle, but that may have been a plancha which would have been pretty cool. Edge gets smashed into stairs. Now Cena pulls off a chunk of announce table…hey Tazz! Hey Joey! Wow, all three crews are still out at their announce positions for whatever reason. Cena grabs an ECW monitor (because they are the most EXTREME) and hits Edge with it. I can’t help it; I’m a mark for the old “hit ‘em with a monitor” spot. Cena chases Lita off. Setting up for an F-U through the ECW announce table (the modern Spanish announce table,) but he decides to climb the steps and F-U him off of those through the table instead. That was a pretty serious post-match beat down, I must say. Then Cena ruins my temporary moment of liking him with a gay-ass salute. Here’s a lot of replays. Play Cena’s music, because he is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH. Cena, saluting the camera: “WE GOIN’ TO WAHHH! AHHHHHH!”
Final Thoughts: For whatever reason I rather enjoyed the cheap-ass sleazy Dusty finish to Edge/Cena. Very old school. Zybyskykszko would have loved it, and seriously, that kind of chicanery fits Edge perfectly. Making fun of JR’s incoherentness instead of JBL’s was a change of pace. However, heapin’ helpins of DX and Brooke Hogan make me less than sad to hear the Saturday Night’s Main Event is pretty much doomed.
