I RAP FOR AMERICA opens the show. Where’s my montage? And why is Cena wearing a Robert Parrish jersey? He was one of two famous non-honkies on that Celtics team. He sucks up to the Boston crowd, because I guess he’s from Boston. Bean Town. He’s Mr. Bean. Fighter/lighter, me/Brady, heritage/marriages (haha he says Cole is gay BURN) too/do, industry/me. He says he’s like the “Big Dick” in that he a) leads the Dudleys b) is behind everyone else in the Heat rebeaking and c) is dead. Cena is interrupted by SWEET LORD I HOPE A-TRAIN DRAWS SMACKDOWN. Heyman says Brok is gone, and that Cena could be the one to step up and take his place. Cena responds by pantomiming taking a phone call, and then pumps up his shoes. Heyman then sez his whole lockerroom can plz die for betraying him last week. Now he calls Cena a “contemptible piece of Boston crap” and slaps him. Another slap is blocked, Cena takes the fatty down, but TRAYTOR is in the ring to redeem himself by saving Paul. Where was Rhyno last week? The answer: Applebee’s. I don’t know why. I guess A-Train was missing too. Show was the only member of “Leznar’s heavies” to show up, other than Morgan, who barely counts. Ok, so, a match has broken out. Rhyno charges into Cena’s knee, but Cena charges the big ol’ spinebuster. Shades of Shawn Michaels’ kid. Rhyno: “Look at Cena now!” His voice is high and raspy. He kinda sounds like an enraged Harvey Firestein. Rhyno with some headbutts. They should be fatal, what with his rhynocerous horn and all. Cole says “ground and pound” when Cena hits like one or two punches. Cena charges into an elbow, and Rhyno is back in control. Stomp. Stomp. Cena somehow fights back, and lands a big elbow. Here’s some clotheslines, a “spinning sidewalk slam,” and some shoe-pumping. Five knuckle shuffle. Cena really doesn’t have any kind of moveset, does he? F-U. 1, 2, 3. Yawn.
Commercials. Edge, the jungle savage, returns.
Moments ago, we had a lovely hissy fit from Heyman interrupted. Backstage, he whines and complains to AGNETHA, BENNY, BJÖRN & ANNI-FRID. Farrooq (aka Björn) makes fun of Paul, so Paul points at him and says “if you and your partner don’t win the WWE tag team championships, then you’re fired!”
I guess it’s on now, because DEAR PAUL PLEASE FIRE THEM TOO KTHX are on their way out. Champs out first because tradition blows. Now the ABA follow. Tazz pimps some movie called “Envy.” Cole: “That’s what you are of me, envy.” Shut up, Cole. Release your inner ninja by being silent. Or, as Tazz would say, unleash your inner ninjer. Farrooq poses with a tag belt as Bradshaw just acts like a gork. Scottie and John start, and that goes…no, Rikishi tags in. John with a push. Rikishi counters with fat. A headbutt takes Bradshaw down. Choppy choppy your redneck. Rikishi tags in Scottie. Idiot. Scottie peppers Bradshaw with blows. Then he does a wimpy cross-body…well, you know where this is going. Countered into the Last Call by the brilliant tactician Bradshaw. Tag to Farooq. Punch. More punching. He talks some trash, and then does a shoulderbreaker. Haha, Scottie crawls for the tag, and Farooq just grabs Scottie's boot, kinda sits there, and yells at Rikishi to tag him (even though he’s too far away.) Now dragging him back to the ABA corner. Tag to Bradshaw. Big shoulderblock. Man, he moves like a Dancing Queen. Bradshaw slaps on the human torture rack. It looks really silly, especially because he can’t cinch it on right. Scottie eventually slips out. Big boot for Bradshaw. Tag to Farooq as Cole calls Scottie “Scrappy.” Scrappy Too Crappy. Farooq with a side-headlock. You know, it’s hard for me to feel bad for Farooq (whom I do kinda like) when he does this. Farooq attacks Scottie with his crotch, but eventually crotches himself on the knees. Tag to Bradshaw, who prevents the tag by attacking Rikishi on the apron. The ref restrains Rikishi as Bradshaw continues to bore us all. Now Bradshaw puts Scottie up toppie for some reason, so Scottie can fight back and tornado DDT him. Tag to Rikishi. He’s a huge, huge grass hut afire. Clotheslines for all, and a DDT for Bradshaw. Now Farooq comes in to punch, and kinda dances around a lot before doing it, while Rikishi continues to wait for the punch. And now it comes. I should have saved the Dancing Queen joke for here. Scottie attaxors Farrooqq, and now bulldogs Bradshaw. W-O-R-OUCH. Farooq nails him, but gets fatvalanched. Bradshaw tries for the CFH, but Rikishi ducks and fat kicks him…and…that’s it! Ass Worm wins! Cole: “Say it ain’t so!” Me: “Hahahahahaha. Yeah.” I can’t believe Bradshaw jobbed. Bye bye, APA. Your last goofy nickname was a disco band.
Commercials. Don’t you wish you could be, the King of Energy? Don’t you want to live free, enraged raspberry? The raspberries are enraged because they have to pick cotton for Bradshaw. Enslaved raspberry.
Backstage, Farooq and Bradshaw confront Paul Heyman. Heyman says if they were paying attention, only Farooq is fired. Aw man! Damned English and it’s lack of differentiation between second person singular and second person plural! In the South, it would have been clear, y’all. Poor Farooq. Hahah, he’s fired ya’ll. Heyman asks Bradshaw how long he was going to carry Farooq’s useless ass around. Ouch. I mean, Farooq could be boring, but he was no Bradshaw.
For anyone who didn’t know, Ron Simmons really was fired after shooting this angle. You know, Vince is kind of an asshole.
Previously on RAW, Vince decided to reset the universe. He got help from Sailor Saturn. Shut up. Next week’s Raw will emanate live from Smacktown, just a stone cold’s throw away from Bill Demott’s farm.
WHAT IF DAWN IS TRADED TO BYTE THIS? tells A BUNCH OF GUYS WHO WILL GET NICKNAMES LATER that Paul is “not very happy about anything.” Maybe he needs therapy. Paul then shows up, and angrily tells the assembled four (Rey, Billy, Haas and Benjamin) that there will be a gauntlet match tonight with the winner facing Eddie for the title. He says “divide and conquer,” so Shelton rather foolishly jumps in and sez there’s no dividing the world’s greatest tag team. I guess they’re lovers now. Paul, kinda wrecking his own reveal: “Get out of my face, Shelton. Because you’re the first person in the gauntlet. And the first person standing in your way, is next. And that person is your partner Charlie Haas because your first opponent in the gauntlet…is Charlie Haas.” So…who’s his first opponent?
Commercials. K-Swiss gonna be neutral on some things.
SMACKDOWN’S ONLY BLACK GUY is Shelton. Orlando Jordon is strictly a Velocity guy. I think Triple H wants to come to Smackdown now. I hope they don’t let him. Shelton will face his own partner HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, SAVAGE? TNM accidentally omitted a line from my number 14 WV-15 write-up. Maybe if he’d omitted about half of them, that write-up would have worked. They just let the WGTT music play during both intros, instead of letting it die down and restart. Hiss. There was one rumble that opened with Axe facing Smash, and the Demolition music started from the beginning for each guy. Mark-out moment. Ha, and you didn’t think I had any more boring RR memories! I haven’t even gotten into guys trying to toss Earthquake. Ok, circling to start. Handshake, and a lock-up. Mat-stuff to start, with Shelton getting a hammerlock for a bit. Haas escapes with a fireman’s carry, and the fans are alfuckingready chanting “boring.” Hey Boston, fuck you. Give them a fucking chance, at least. Jesus. Haas works a key-lock. Shelton gets to his feet and gets a rear-waistlock, and then a side-headlock. Haas into a leg-scissors…but Benjamin kips out, then RUBS HAAS’ HAIR WHILE HE’S STILL ON THE MAT. Awesome. The fans missed it because they stopped watching when no one from Texas came out. Charlie is a little pissed. Circling, lock-up, and they fight over a top-wristlock. Someone should do a knuckle-lock, so I can make jokes about Arn getting crotched. Haas gets the upperhand, but a “boring” chant leads to Shelton getting a hammerlock. I am randomly using dashes between lock names and the word lock tonight. Wordlock. This is basic boringnomics. Haas counters the wristlock into an ankle-pick. Shelton gets some kinda facelock. Cole talks about how well these guys know each other, and their moves. Tazz: “They’re like you and I, but different.” Haas tries to Irish whip Shelton (racist) but Shelton holds on, so Haas does an arm-wringer instead. Shelton flips and armdrags out with style. Then he…PATS HAAS LOVINGLY ON THE CHIN! Jesus Christ Shelton is awesome. Haas blows a fuse and chases Shelton out of the ring. Shelton just kinda chills on the outside while the ref dresses down a fuming Haas. Circling in the ring, and Haas gets an ankle-pick into a front facelock. Benjamin eventually works it into a pinning predicament, and Haas haas to kick out. Intentional typo. So funny. The crowd is about to riot. This hasn’t been super-exciting, but watching Shelton mess with Charlie’s head is pretty funny. Now he pats him on the rump (he’s got Jungle Fever,) and then flees, and the crowd is still chanting “boring.” What do you want them to do to liven it up, a soft-shoe routine? Maybe some cream-pie work? You know, for all the shit southern wrestling fans get, it seems to be the northern crowds that sit on their hands or chant “boring” when anything other than a promo from an already-famous grappler is going on. If the south is the only territory where the “sport” is always pretty popular, it kind of makes sense that it’s the only territory where a significant chunk of the fans actually watch the wrestling. Maybe it’s all in my head, but we didn’t turn Hogan face again, we cheered for the Rock like we were damn well told. Then again, Boston didn’t turn him face either. They’d have chanted “boring” at Hogan/Rock. And…they may have had a point. Ok, so, Charlie chases Shelton “Rump-Slapper” Benjamin out of the ring again. Tazz correctly points out that if Haas has a temper and Benjamin knows this, then Benjamin is wise to exploit it. Tazz says “human chess,” making me think of Zybsyzysyszko, and making me think of stalling. I must admit, all the circling isn’t helping, but this crowd really blew them off before they could get started. Charlie escapes a rear-waistlock with a back-elbow, and then starts brawling. Cole wonders if the WGTT could be split, and Tazz says they’d be “the World’s Greatest Single…Guys.” Wipe the drool off your mouths, ladies. Haas with a back-body drop for Benjamin. Side suplex for 2. Shelton reverses a whip, but Haas dropkicks him anyway. Bridging German for 2. Haas whips Shelton into the corner…Haas follows him in but Shelton springboards out, and now Shelton with a kick. Charlie catches it…POSSIBLE MONEY CLIP! I know it was a Dragon Whip, but it may also have been the Money Clip. Somebody ask Shelton which move was the Money Clip, because no one else knows. It scores the win for Shelton. That was…well, kind of out of nowhere. Shelton rolls out of the ring and watches Charlie uneasily. Charlie rubs his chin and looks pissed. Shelton cautiously reenters the ring and helps Charlie up. There’s a handshake, and a hug, and Charlie seems to tell Shelton to win himself some gold. Love and justice have prevailed over bitterness and spite. The Sailor Scouts are smiling somewhere. Japan, presumably.
Commercials. The Best of John Cena is over twenty minutes long! The critics agree: Starsky and Hutch is in theaters.
We’re back, with I’M A ONE MAN CONGLOMERATE whining at FIIRREEDD to be his unemployed friend. “I work for Fox News!” Jesus, is it possible for them to be less credible? ANSWER ME, JESUS! Farooq leaves. Who would have thought they’d fire him before Jacqueline?
Not that I don’t have deep and abiding respect for Jacqueline. She’s the best wrestler ever, you know. I fear the WV’s best moment ever may be JR whipping Coach. He’s black, ya…I already did that once this rebeak. Sorry.
MONEY CLIP, DRAGON WHIP, ALL DEM WHITE BOYS BE MY BITCH is still in the ring. John Cena could make that rhyme. And Brok would appreciate the grammar, if he wasn’t off playing fantasy football. TEE-HEE PLEASE PAT MY RUMPUS MR. BLACK MAN is Billy Gunn. Obviously. I mean, what are you, stupid? Shelton stomps away on Billy as he slides into the ring. Yes. Tazz says Shelton had no time to “recondition himself.” His hair that he doesn’t have is gonna get all ratty. Billy fires back, but runs into an elbow. Clothesline by Shelton, and Billy bails. Shelton gives chase, and slams his face into the apron. They’re fighting right by the announce table. Tazz: “Easy guys, Cole is delicate.” Billy reverses a whip (racist) and sends Shelton into the barricade. Tazz: “A lot of Velocity on Gunn…” I wish it was a lot of Gunn on Velocity…but only for the next few weeks. Here's a time-warp as I break for the evening and come back to rebeaking the next day. Billy drops knees on Benjamin, and I just wrote about a billion pages worth of WV-15 stuff in one sitting and now have no energy. Shelton slaps on a Ninja Chokeout. Rear-naked choke, much to Billy’s delight. Billy gets out, and Shelton escapes the Flameasser with a back elbow. “USA” chant. What the fuck? Shelton gets a Bootymanesque knee lift. Shelton sits on Billy and does another Ninja Chokeout. You’re taking my love for granted, Shelton. Billy escapes with a jawbreaker. Nap time. Shelton continues to fire away, but charges into a boot. Billy with his sloppy neckbreaker. More nap time. For me. Tazz implies that Shelton has no brains. Billy punches and clotheslines and stuff before getting a tilt-a-whirl slam for 2. Stingar Splash. Billy: “Come come come!” There’s the set-up kick, but Shelton side-steps the Flameasser, rolls Billy up, and uses the ropes to get the win. Haha. Yeah.
WEEEELL, MY DAD GOT DRAGGED AROUND BEHIND THE BLUESMOBILE! (OMG SPOPPORZ) now comes out and announces his candidacy for the title. The title of shittiest fatty. Actually, he doesn’t do that until after the break. I lie, I cheat, I steal.
Commercials. Mostly for Hellboy.
Fan sign: “Big Show Big Loser.” Show cuts an in-ring promo. There’s a shot of Shelton watching from the outside. Show explains away his actions against Heyman last week without much of an explanation. Show will be the final participant in the Gauntlet. You are pitiful and weak and he will destroy you. Even if you play as Merlin. And…that’s the segment?
Commercials. Smackdown is touring Scotland. Get ready for some haggis jokes on Confidential. Also, a commercial for Wrestlemania 21. Um…a little early, guys?
Next up in the gauntlet is LOVING BOTH OF YOU IS BREAKING ALL THE RULES (w/WHAT HAVE STING AND/OR ROBOCOP GOT THAT I HAVEN’T GOT? and NOT AS OLD AS MY FAVORITE WCW ANGLES.) Shelton is FINALLY SCREWED. Hmm…Rey’s ring attire certainly is reminiscent of spiders. Rey with a go-behind. He really looks like a midget when he does counter-wrestling. Shelton goes behind and hammers him down. Shelton charges into a boot, and then eats the overly-spinny rana. Shelton counters the moneky flip by putting Rey up top, but gets kicked off and sunset flipped for 2. Benjamin catches Rey with an exploder suplex for 2. Tazz says “crotch.” Delayed back-suplex by Shelton, and Tazz thinks it’s over. Cole says Show is one guy who doesn’t need the advantage of being last in the gauntlet. Um…I disagree. Shelton works the arm. Shelton whips Rey hard into the corner. Code Red. I fastforward to Rey getting back to his feet and punching his way out. Ubercontrived bulldog. By Rey. It gets 2. Rey reverses a whip, but eats a powerslam for 2. Shelton is frustrated. He tries for a German, but Rey elbows out, then does a springboard backflip to get behind Shelton. Shelton turns around into a rana that sets him up for the 25! Or 6 or 4! It hits! The dime is dropped! Say goodnight, Shelton! Try not to get fired! A camera reveals that Big Show is watching. I think they’re reading the WV-15 write-ups. That’s very kind of them.
Commercials. Some fatty sells us Hardees.
The Hall of Fame thingie. Ric Flair wants to have sex with Harley Race. No one cares about Tito Santana. Now Bobby blows kisses to Heaven. Way to make me feel guilty for making fun of you, Bobby “The Throat” Heenan.
CHAD AND GRAMPS CAN’T HELP YOU NOW (w/CAN’T HELP and SORRY) must now face BIG SHOW BIG LOSER. Rey retreats to the outside. Then comes back in. Tazz and Cole discuss the time Show murdered a bestretchered Rey. Rey crawls between Show’s legs. What a brave midget. Biel and a half. Tazz: “Biel with a capital B.” Cole: “Big Show’s hands just envelop Rey Misterio.” Foot choking. Rey’s foot can’t breath at all. Rey escapes, hot-shots Show, and gets a springboard dropkick. Show takes over anew with a big boot. Rey gets thrown around some more. Hog Log. Rey gets the shoulder up. Show kicks Rey out of the ring. Rey comes back. Fryin’ pan like hands. More foot choking. Gorilla Press. Go for the Warrior Splash, Show! DAMN YO, YOU GOTS TO GET YO DICK FIXED comes out, and holds the US Title upside down. I guess he’s in distress. Show goes after him like an idiot. Rey 619’s him from behind. Cena runs out and gives Show a belt-shot. Show eats pole. Rey wins via count-out. Who’s that making Big Show job?
Commercials. The Mullets are back. For now.
Moments ago, Big Show was an idiot. MAN, THIS IS GONNA BE EVEN HARDER THAN TRYING TO BEAT THE CHAVOS (w/YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! I BELIEVE IN YOU RAYE! and YEAH RIGHT) has earned the right to challenge the champion, I’M WITH GRANDPA. Cole: “This may be the last match you and I ever call together!” Tazz: “I don’t wanna cry! Don’t make me cry!” Hey, I dig the WWE Championship graphic. Rey and Eddie shake hands. Eddie works a headlock, then an arm-wringer. Rey trips Eddie up and armdrags out, and sells the arm (which Shelton had been working. Nice.) Eddie with a headlock takeover, and a 2 count. Rey gets a reverses armbar, but Eddie flips out and goes back to a headlock. Rey punches out, backflips out of a suplex, and does the grounded MCFS…but can’t hook the legs and only gets 1. Super funky fancy roll-up for 2. A tilt-a-whirl headscissors sends Eddie outside. Eddie looks surprised. Rey does title-belt motions. Eddie shoves Rey. Rey slaps Eddie. The crowd likes that. Rey tries for the ubercontrived bulldog, but Eddie fucking shoves him into the turnbuckles. Nice. Eddie slaps on a hammerlock as Tazz says Eddie knew the ubercontrived bulldog from watching Rey use it on Shelton earlier. Meh, I think having been hit with it a few times in the past helped too. Eddie…with a sort of kind of spinning arm-breaking…thing. It’s like a spinning toehold on the arm. It’s like…it’s like a Funkacider, as opposed to a Spunkacider. That’s quite the bizarre reference if you get it. Tazz claims that when he wrestled, he had a similar style to Misterio. Cole laughs, then says Tazz has never even gone to the second rope. Tazz says he gets nosebleeds. You cooky commentators, you. Rey reaches the ropes. Eddie with a drop toe-hold, and then he slaps on a Fujiwara armbar. Take a look at how to do it right, Shittytaker. Rey eventually escapes with a flying mare, which he follows with a monkey flip. Tazz: “A gorilla flip! That was huge!” Eddie tries to toss Rey, but Rey lands on the apron and ranas him over the top to the floor! Wow. Fucking HUGE Asai Moonsault, with Rey springboarding off of the top rope!
Commercials. Hell Comes to Smacktown.
We’re back with a superplex by Eddie on Rey! Way to not do a resthold during the break. Here’s a replay of the awesome top-rope moonsault. I guess Rey trusts Eddie pretty implicitly. I doubt he’d pull that shit out against Billy Gunn. Eddie tosses Rey out by sliding him under the bottom rope. Eddie pulls Rey back in, and starts in with the brawling. No…I tell a lie, he slaps on an armbar. Cole: “Not for nuthin’.” Rey escapes, but runs into a HUGE tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. It gets a long 2. Tazz says “Velocity,” but I don’t want these guys demoted. Unless the roster changes bring Lawler to Smackdown and I just abandon the show entirely. Eddie…FUCKIN’ A IT’S THE GORY SPECIAL! You know he’s feeling it when he dusts that one off. I think that’s the Gory Special, anyway. Rey…flips out and rolls Eddie up for 2. Eddie thanks him by clotheslining his head off. Back to the hammerlock, and Eddie…bridges while the hammerlock is still on. Nice. I’m not entirely sure why this is so much more interesting than Haas/Benjamin, but it is. Eddie eventually releases, and does his little dance. Eddie kicks Rey’s shoulder a bunch of times. Cole: “When does he become frustrated Eddie Guerrero?” Tazz and Cole have a falling out over the meaning of the word “channel” as Rey punches back, and…tries for a springboard into a DDT that ends with Eddie getting DDTed but Rey landing all wrong. Rey is slow to cover, and gets 2. Rey gets the springboard ass attack for a long two. Now he tries a moonsault. Eddie catches him and tries to powerslam him, but Rey spins around and turns it into a tornado DDT for another long 2. The fans are totally into this, by the way. Tazz channels (though he thinks it challenges) Joey Styles. Eddie reverses a whip and sends Rey into the corner. Eddie charges an elbow. Rey tries for something fancy…Eddie sets him up for an Electric Chair Drop, but Rey flips out. Eddie kicks him in the stomach. Rolling verticals, but Rey counters the third with…a monkey magic roll-up! Eddie kicks out hard, sending Rey into the corner. There’s the third vertical, and Eddie does his “I’m gonna Frog Splash you” dance. He goes up, he comes down, and nobody is home. Rey dropkicks Eddie into 619 position! 619 connects! Rey tries to drop the dime, but Eddie rolls clear! La Magistral Cradle, and…Eddie wins! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that win a match. But it was nice. Eddie starts to help Rey up as I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING comes out with a mic. “So here we are, on Paul Heyman’s Smackdown, where apparently English is now a second language.” What a complete and utter dick. Wonderful. “Lookie here Luchadores! I have a vision for Paul Heyman’s Smackdown, and it doesn’t include either one of you! So when I see you on Monday in Detroit at RAW, I hope that I can look at the two of you and say ‘hasta lowaygo.’” (I’m not gonna pretend to be able to spell Spanish words.) “Drafted? Drafted? You can forget about being drafted. I hope that the two of you and your stinking families get deported! You see, next week is a whole new beginning for my Smackdown, and if you think about it, Paul Heyman is the only person guaranteed to be here next week. Because I will employ my vision, I will be respected by my locker room, and there’s not a man alive who can stand in my way.” Uh-oh. Bong. Somebody call RVD. Tazz giggles with glee, Heyman adjusts his tie nervously, and the lights go out. HERE COMES AN UNDEAD COWBOY! FOR A FISTFUL OF DOUGHNUTS is here with PAUL BEARER IS A PUN ON PALLBEARER, OR SO I HEAR. Paul’s return at Mania somehow eluded me. A thousand apologies to Paul Bearer, whom I always infinitely preferred to Taker. Jesus Christ, has he gotten FATTER? I meant Bearer, but it goes for Taker too. Taker Care of Eating Shetland Ponies. Paul: “HEEEEELP! HEEEEEELP!” I love Paul. Heyman. Bearer doesn’t squeal for help. He doesn’t get to say anything, actually, as the angry Hispanics shove Bearer into Undertaker, who tombstones him. While thinking about pizza, no doubt.
Final thoughts: I’ve written way too much for the WV for one day. I’m off to pray that the lottery doesn’t land me Stone Cold, Lawler, or the Dudleyz. At least if I get Taker, I can do more jokes about old Westerns with key words replaced by food items. Foodstuffs. Home of Double F. Woo.
Oh, and next week is my 100th Smackdownbeak, which neatly coincides with the whole new Smackdown. Hootie hoo.
