OK, my power went out Thursday afternoon, and didn’t come back until about 9:45 EST. So I too have joined the WV “Half a Show Recap” Fraternity. I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest I missed an Angle promo being interrupted, and something involving the Panty Pals and a certain special Samoan.
Joined in progress…DOUBTING TEST HAS IMMUNITY “Test-Drives” LETTUCE-HEAD. Test is not Teflon this week, in honor of a great dead crook. Then HURRI*BLEEP* and JAMIE NOBLE THE SLACK-JAWED YOKEL show up. Noble beats up Hurricane for a while, then Maven rips off Hurricane’s mask. Tazz says what was on all of our minds: “The Hurricane is Gregory Helms!” I, for one, am surprised. I thought it would be “Sugar” Shane.
Commercials. A local Hyundai place offers tires…4 LIFE!
Here’s a recap of Maven’s goofy performance in the sketch with Tajiri last week. It’s brought to us by “Eight Legged Freaks.” THAT’S what Maven’s eyebrows look like! Spider legs!
PEEPIN’ TAJIRI vs BOB/HARDCORE HOLLY. Tajiri actually scores out first knockdown, but Holly takes over with brawlery. Nice back kick by Tajiri leads to some of that fancy Oriental stomping. Tajiri all over Bob with quick moves, dropkicking a downed Holly in the head. Bob fights back some more, and gets spinwheel kicked. Reverse knife-edges by Tajiri are a bad idea, as they are of course reversed. “Dr. Ruth, slow down.” Cole sez: “Look at the intensity in the face of Hardcore Holly. He is intense 100% of the time!” Tazz: “I would say he’s…intense!” So Tajiri misses a moonsault, there’s lots o’ clotheslines, and eventually we get the Hardcore Dropkick! It gets 2. Tajiri kicks out after a slam, then…plays dead. The Hell? Holly looks like he doesn’t know what to do, but eventually picks him up and tries for the Alabama Slam. Tajiri rolls him up, Hardcore bridges out, and Tajiri kicks his head off. Now Tajiri gets the Tarantula…but Hardcore powers out, still holding Tajiri behind his back, and Alabamaslamabamaslamas him for 3! Then he reattaches his head.
Chris Jericho is watching the beating he gave Edge last week, but the Big Valboski interrupts to tell him about his larger than life feet. Jericho wipes some of Val’s fluids off of his face (spittle. Sorry.)
Commercials. ZZ TOP DUDE IS OLD! And man alive…I was excited about Juwanna Mann last week, but now I know it has vibrator jokes too! DAYOM!
Wow! It’s the Bi-Lo Brown Arena!
COUNTDOWN TO SWEETBRITCHES and…um…LIGHTNIN’ LANCE (w/New Generic Music) vs WAS ONCE VAL VENIS and ALL GROWN UP BILLY KIDMAN (w/New Generic Music.) I like Storm’s freaky ring entrance where he hops up on the apron and slides on one knee. I’m just waiting for the evil Canadian Baby Helmets to turn on poor Billy. Notice all the WCW guys have new music…Val starts with Jericho, who immediately tags out. Jericho suckers Val into following him, so Lance can jump him. Chris tags in, and they wrestle for awhile. It’s pretty good, I’m just not in the mood. Chris takes a kick to the face personally, and tags in Lance. Val takes over on Lance and tags in Kidman, who comes in off the top ala WWF Wrestlefest. GREAT TEAMWORK! Nice spot where Kidman goes up on Storm’s shoulders, presumably for a rana, but gets Hot Shotted by Jericho. Chris comes in WITHOUT A TAG OMG (he could have tagged if he wanted to, mind, he just didn’t bother.) Chris works Billy over brielfy before tagging in Lancelot. He…does like two moves and tags in Jericho. Cole talks about how well they work as a team, so Tazz says that as Canadians they must have stuff in common. They’re RACISTS. Anyway, Kidman gets bulldogged, but the Lionsault hits knees. Race for the tag, so Valboski gets to kill everone with backdrops, powerslams, and sit-out powerbombs. VAL VENIS IS A HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE A’FIRE! Jericho breaks a pin with a dropkick, and then something really contrived but cool happens with Val “Javellin Man” throwing Kidman in Jericho. Storm nails him with a surprise sidekick (and I don’t mean Mighty Molly,) but it only gets 2. Val tags Kidman before he and Jericho end up outside. Shooting Star Press looks to end it, but Jericho grabs referee Billy Jr and pulls him out (his hand still hit a third time though.) Jericho gets Kidman with a modified Scorpion Slop JR Impaler Drop, but Val chases him back out. Lance covers for 2. Kidman with a…Monkey Magic Roll-up! The ref counts 3! Generic rock music wins! Replays show that Lance sorta got the shoulder up, but he’s evil so we don’t care.
Hogan looks really gay. He says some stuff. He’s “bald bald bald bald bald, bald brother.” Edge has the good-fortune to be Hulk’s main man. I could swear this is canned fan noise too, as they come in with disturbing regularity (even by wrestling fan standards) and always at the same volume. Hulk looks at the wrong camera. Interview guy acts like he’s cool. Why am I still writing about this?
Commercials. I think Max Payne is a rat! We gotta shut him up!
Lance talks to Referee Brian “The Brain” Hebner. Bret gets referenced.
Interview Dude talks to the Black Chick from Tough Enough. She got betrayed by the White Chick over the weekend. Trish shows up, promising to help her if she never, ever refers to herself as “Hot Mocha” or whatever.
Kurt and Vince have a little chat. The Undertaker interrupts at a hilarious moment. Mirth abounds.
Commercials. GTA3 needs to merge with Railroad Tycoon. Somehow. EEEEEEEEE! HAHA A MIDGET MAKES FUN OF HOW SMALL THIS GUY’S DICK IS IT MUST BE VERY SMALL IF A MIDGET SAYS IT’S SMALL AHAHAHAA!
D-CON DUDLEY (w/D-CON BATISTA) is here to yell about masturbation. “Please leave that thang alone.” God that was stupid. He never even mentioned kittens. Here comes I’LL BE DAMNED. Faarrooq tells us he masterbates, then gets “real simple” on D-Con’s ass. Basically he just Spinebusters him (or, if you’re Cole, Dominators him) and pins him. Then he kicks the collection plate into Batista’s purty head. MATCH OF THE NIGHT! Good God, that was really stupid. D-Con beat Triple H a few weeks ago, didn’t he? I bet Farrooq could beat Triple H without even walking to the ring.
Now Trish and the Black Tuff Enuff Chick stretch.
Commercials. “Like Mike” doesn’t even have Michael Jordan in it. He used to do underwear commercials with his Dad, but he can’t be bothered with this movie. Can you?
Here’s a review of that big-ass Molly vs Trish match from RAW. Big-ass match. I made a funny.
COWBOY TRISH and BLACK TUFF E NUFF GIRL vs ELEPHANT TUSKS and WHITE TUFF E NUFF GIRL. Well, at least the white one is dressed slutty-like. Tazz loses some of my love when he says he loves the EEEEEE midget. Trish and Ivory do some wrestling. Then Trish nails white girl on the apron, and black girl screws up her cue and comes in to break-up a doubleteam before it starts. I miss some stuff, then Trish beats up white girl. Black girl gets the tag. Bodyslams abound. There’s a dropkick and a pin, but Ivory breaks it up with a dropkick of her own. Evil doubleteaming. Now Ivory misses a bellyflop, and Trish gets tagged in. Ivory kicks Trish right in the face off a charge and goes up top, but gets frankensteinered off the top! Woulda looked better if it looked like Trish was actually squeezing her head tight. Stratusfaction ends it.
Now we’ve in Vince’s Sex-a-torium. EXECUTIVE “ASS”ISTANT OMG LOL enters. They talk about how awesome Vince is. From now on, we always call him “Mr. McMahon.” DAWN MARIE IS A LAWYER OR SOMETHING knocks, but Vince is too busy stuffing his tongue down Stacey’s throat to answer. She acts all grossed out, then pretends to like it. I have no idea why I gave this “detail.”
Commercials. Fuck you, Stacker 2.
Our WEE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Fuck You, Stacker 2. It’s Holly Alabamaslamabamaslama-ing Tajiri.
Tazz tells us Neurotica “kicks some serious hiennie.”
King of the Upper Mid-Card Brackets review.
Undertaker and Kurt Angle kill Hulk Hogan. He’s dead now.
Commercials. Coming up next on Divorce Court: the shocking story of a wife who used sex and the threat of withholding sex to make her husband do things. Swear to God. Also, a local ad for a stable with ubercelebrity DAVEY JONES. He knows Horses cause he’s British. You wanna sell legal aide, you get Peter Tork. I don’t even know what that means.
TAKER AND KURT KILL HOGAN AGAIN! Oh, it’s a replay. That had me scared.
EVIL BIG RED UNDER BOOGER TAKER RED DEVIL EVIL DEVIL DEVIL (the undisputed WEE champion) and BALDY McBALD vs HOLLYWOOD HEARST HELMSLEY. Hunter attacks (aka attax) Kurt from behind, then beats up Undertaker for a while. Then he beats up Angle for a while. Then they beat up him for a while before Taker decides to take five on the apron. I can’t wait for the Rock to come back. He’ll have three B’s for Kurt: Bald, Bitch, and some undisclosed third B of extreme humor. Perhaps we’ll get two “Bitch”es. Anyway, Angle has been beating on H this whole time. Rolling Germans. Tazz says landing on your three times sucks the wind right out of you. “Hey hey, it’s time for the Dead Man to come in!” Sure enough, Undertaker does lots of yelling and some offense. “Did you want me? Bam!” Triple H fights back with choking, knocks Kurt off the apron, and gets kicked. Triple H was “choking the champion.” Now Kurt beats H up on the outside as Taker and the ref discuss…I dunno…Tommy Dreamer’s puke. H back in to be beaten up. This is so hard to watch, because we know Hulk Hogan is far too injured to come out and help him. Now Kurt gets tagged in. He gets kicked once, but puts H in a sleeperhold. Hunter Hulks-Up, and backdrops out. That was, of course, one of those extra-powerful backdrops that makes Kurt as dead as he is. Or maybe the sleeperhold puts the holder’s head in just the right position to get backdropped. Now Taker comes in, and a double-clothesline kills him dead. Getting clotheslined by a really, really tired guy 2/3 his size = death. Kurt gets tagged in and spears the corner. Big Evil comes in to be spinebustered. We go outside, where Kurt and Undertaker get tossed into various objects. Tazz: “These guys are bangin’ out here!” Triple H chairs Taker. I guess this is no count-out. H tosses Deadman Inc back in, grabs one of those handy sledgehammers the ring crew leaves under the ring, and hits Taker in the belly. The ref calls for the DQ, cause it was in the ring. Taker kicks H low to escape an overhead hammer shot. Once they get outside, he puts his hand in front of the head of the hammer, making it even more devastating. Kurt gets ahold of Trip, sends him inside, and Angleslams him. The ref raises his hand, cause he already won by DQ. Angle backs his way up the ramp in victory…AH…there’s HULK LIES. He and Triple H beat up Angle for awhile. They pull down his tights, and finally rip off the wig. When Hogan wears it, it looks like a wig with a jockstrap on it. Poses-a-plenty. “Smackdown will be wacko in Saco!” What about Vanzetti?
After all that hazing, Kurt Angle is a shoe-in for the TRI-H house!
I’m outta here! LATER!
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