There are two new WV articles more worthy of the time of you, the reader, than this rebeak. Though odds are if you’re reading this, you contributed to both features, the
Year in Quotes and the
WV500V2aaaaaaah. Actually, if the guy who used to read my rebeaks and not write for the site could drop me a line, it would increase my known readership by about 20%.
It’s interesting to note that while my quotes from the Year in Quotes aren’t any funnier than anyone else’s, they’re all EIGHT TIMES AS LONG. However, by virtue of having the most rebeaks fall in January I also got quoted the most, and therefore I declare myself THE NEW WINNER OF JANUARY 2002. Hail to the King, baby.
In other news, by defeating Lance Storm’s penis, Arn Anderson did better on the new WV500 than he did on the old one. Not everyone can be as loved and respected by wrestling fans as Vince “I will never appear on TV because the show isn’t about me, it’s about the wrestlers” Russo. Not that he cares. His life of pretending to be worried whenever Linda McMahon gets Tombstoned is a rich one.
Maybe I should just get on with it?
Let’s try and open this rebeak with something quotable and timeless for next year. Ah, this should do it: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.
We open with Chavito killing a village of Sand People to start his journey to the Dark Side. Then, 89 of 500. Hey, Sean O’Haire! For the first and last time this week. Apparently he got injured (in a “motorcycle accident”) so we may not be seeing him for some time.
Tonight, Holly and Show will have a Street Fight. On Fat Street. Fat Street, Atlanta GA! Fattest street in the whole USA! Forget it. Young whippersnappers and their ignorance of the Freebirds. May as well talk about the Minnesota Wrecking Crew. Which had Arn Anderson in it. Arn is this wrestler I like.
Yes, the Anderson can of worms has been opened. Team Southwest and Hooker’s interest in wrestling is rolling over in it’s grave.
Yuck, Anderson worms. Maybe that gross little thought will be enough to stop it. Keep your fingers crossed that nobody whips out a spinebuster.
BROKEN NECKS AND CASHED CHECKS is out for…something. “You guys rule. Woo!” Apparently he’s here to suck up. Oh, wait, it’s more relationship counseling. He calls out Chavito, and his godly theme music. I’M DOING THIS FOR PEPE, MAY HE REST IN PEACE has his own Titantron video, which doesn’t bode well for Kurt’s efforts. You know who they need? DDP. He would be fucking perfect for this angle. Brother Love would work, too. Kurt tells Chavo slapping his uncle isn’t cool. The crowd chants “Eddie” to piss him off. Kurt tells Chavo to give Eddie a public apology, but that ain’t happening. Chavo says the slap was “tough love.” This one time, Arn smacked Pillman for letting down the Horsemen, and said it was tough love. Sorry. Chavo says he’d smack Eddie if he were here, and threatens to slap Angle. Chavo: “Oh, it’s true.” I <3 Chavo. I ALSO <3 EDDIE is on his way to the ring. Chavo pantomimes drawing a line (in the sand) but flees the ring when Eddie enters, because he’s a cowardly heel and thank God somebody is doing the heel thing right again. Angle holds Eddie back, then tells Chavo to get in the ring if he has the…Jose Cuervo, I think. Kurt asks who’s gonna be the better man. Chavo holds out the hand, and Eddie reluctantly takes it. Aw man, no short clothesline! Kurt said “Do the Right Thing” about a million times. He got jungle fever. The fans booed the handshake, by the way. Kurt’s music plays, because he won.
Here’s footage of last week’s pig show. HAHAHAHAHAHA! YEAH!! interviews #358 OF 500. Show says, “You don’t get it, do you Josh? You hold the microphone but you still just don’t get it, do you?” Normally, holding a microphone makes you omniscient. Big Show says he’s taking Hardcore Holly out tonight. For delicious, brain-fed Angus beef burgers.
Commercials. You know, missing a swim meet because you’re stoned doesn’t make much impact after you’ve killed a baby.
PUT A LITTLE ASS ON IT tells us about his new song, “Put A Little Ass On It.” He can’t sing either.
I AM FUCKING SO BETTER THAN FAT FATRY is out to face the mysterious youth from Zanarkand, ???? Oh, here comes I WANNA ROCK RIGHT NOW. MY NAME’S JEAN-PAUL AND I CAME TO POSEDOWN to be all evil. I mean, his name isn’t Jean-Paul, it’s Paul, but still. HAHAHA, he has a finger cast! Awesome. He says the following match is a mini-Rumble, in which Benoit must defeat the entire FBI. Paul makes amusing buzzer sounds. Boy, this will really build Benoit up. I never thought he could take 29 other superstars, but seeing him beat 3 jobbers will make me a believer. First up is OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE, who pulls off his shiny stripper pants on his way to the ring. His ass loves Italy. My stomach loves Italy, but my ass hates it. Thought you’d wanna know. Oh shit (no pun intended,) his ass loves the FBI, not Italy! Oh well, I’m sure one of the others will have flag panties. Benoit attacks the Bull to start. Starman chop. Snap suplex. Choppy choppy. Stompy stompy. Some fan has a “Push Benoit” sign. What did he do to you? Seriously, if you want to end management’s belief that Benoit is a smark god who only interests that core group of fans who will watch no matter who is pushed, do Chris a favor and leave the “Push Benoit” sign home and bring a “Toothless Agression RULZ” sign instead. I’m going to pretend I cleverly misspelled aggression as part of the joke. Benoit eventually fights back with some knees. Chris ducks a clothesline and goes for the Sharpshooter with 9 seconds left. Genius. MY ASS LOVES THE FBI AND BILLY’S GUNN (I’m sorry) is out to a delightful Tazz buzzer noise. Chris releases the Sharpshooter to meet Chuck with some punches. Chuck gets Chris in the corner and throws some shoulders. Chris gets a go-behind (much to Chuck’s delight) and gives him a German suplex. Cole: “You made a great point before, if Benoit hasn’t…” Tazz: “Oh, I did!? Oh, that that’s great, I made a good point, I’m shocked Cole.” Cole: “What the Hell is the matter with you tonight?” Tazz: “It’s a new year, and I gotta be me, and you’ve gotta be you, unfortunately, but it’s a new year, I’m, I’m, I’m mean now.” Cole: “New year?” Tazz: “New year.” Cole: “And now you’re gonna act like a jackass.” Tazz: “I guess so.” Please, I hate it when you fight! This is like Chad snipping at Raye! (Raye snipping at Chad is pretty much normal.) So…did Tazz just spontaneously turn heel? The Bull comes in for some stomps. Benoit fights back and drops Bull across the ropes. Chuck attacks, but Benoit ducks a clothesline and baseball slide kicks a still rope-beacrossdraped (because that’s a word) Stomboli off the apron to the floor. Chuck back suplexes Benoit, and then puts him on the turnbuckle. Then…he doesn’t do anything. Palumbo tries for a Samoan Slam on the mat, but Benoit counters into the Crawlspace. ALAS, MY ASS DOESN’T LOVE ITALY EITHER is out, and tries to sneak up on Benoit, but Chris catches him coming in. Nunzio acts scared but gets chopped. The numbers game (which the FBI knows so well) goes against Benoit. Jesus Christ…a double choke. Snake Eyes, and now Nunzio holds the ropes down as Palumbo tries to slam Chris. Chris gets another go-behind (always on Chuck, hmmm…) and shoves Palumbo at the ropes. Chuck catches himself, but Nunzio gets dumped as he tries to pull Chuck back in. Now it’s back down to Fried’s dream match. Palumbo tries for a powerbomb, but Chris punches his way out and gets a headscissors. Chuck gets the Samoan Drop, Slam, whatever. He sets up for the Whack, but Chris gets yet another go-behind and tosses him. Surely, anyone who can beat the FBI can win the Rumble.
Coming up next: Worm Ass gets their long-awaited tag title shot.
Commercials. I would like to make a shocking confession. Despite Square Enix’s best efforts, I still kinda like Yuna. When she’s not singing. Also: Sable smacks down a television. This commercial hopes to convince people who watch Smackdown to watch Smackdown.
FEEL OUR RAGE, LAMONT AND THE CAT hit the ring. MY TURN-OFFS INCLUDE DISOBEDIENCE AND PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO COME ON is at the entryway with the belts, but VARIOUS BASHAMS attack from the crowd. A lot of stomping ensues. Sheniqua hits the ring and big boots Scotty, and while the bell hasn’t rung, up until that point this whole beatdown was totally legal. There’s the Ball & Gag (I think) from the Bashams. There’s a belt shot for Scottie. Wow…Ass Worm sure are easy to beat up. I mean, it seems like half of all matches start with one guy turning his back, and the victimized face usually recovers at least a little. Cole thinks the Bashams were scared of a legit defense. Pff. I MISS MY TINY COWBOY HAT is out. Tazz: “What is he, the mayor now?” Yes, he’s the Mayor of the Bald People Nation, so the Bashams must do his bidding. Kurt has the novel idea that when you advertise a tag title match, you should have one. He announces Bashams vs Guerreros tonight, because he can do that.
Commercials. There’s a local lawyer named “Polly Chong,” and for some reason I find that really funny.
2GETHER 4EVER (YEAH RIGHT) ride out together, possibly for the last time. Jesus Eddie, couldn’t you let Chavo drive at least once? Tazz: “That low-rider is illegal, let’s get a shot of the front of…there’s no headlights on that low-rider!” Pause. Tazz: “All right, well, maybe we’ll get a shot of it next week.” I guess cousin Chewie is the cameraman. Eddie and Chavo look uneasy. Arn and Tully never did that unless roided-up post-apocalyptic weirdoes were on the premises. Ah, Arn Anderson. DREAM SEQUENCE. No, not that kind of dream. Anyway, an “Eddie” chant gets going. Tazz suggests Cole knows how Chavo feels because of the “Tazz” chants he gets when they walk to the announce position. Eddie starts with a Basham. The Basham hits a shoulderblock. It’s Danny. Eddie works his arm briefly, then gets his own shoulderblock and tags in Chavo. Chavo stomps away, punches a bit, and tags Eddie in for the hilo. Tazz keeps calling Cole a “tool” for no special reason as Eddie tags Chavo back in (whoa, shades of the FBI) and the Guerreros get a double elbow smash. Chavo rolls Danny up for 2. Danny tags Doug in, and he is instructed to come on. Chavo ducks a clothesline and gets a dropkick. He slams Doug into the Guerrero corner, then chats with the ref as Eddie chokes Doug with the tag rope. Danny comes in to chat with the ref, so Eddie does one of my favorite spots. He comes in illegally making a tag noise by slapping his hands together when, and this is important, there was nothing stopping him from making a legal tag. Stompery. Now Eddie chats with the ref so Chavo can choke. Some kinda tagging occurs that ends with Eddie still legal. Doug punches away at Chavo while Eddie taps his shoulder, then turns into a huge punch by Eddie. Tazz makes fun of Cole for not knowing which Basham is which, one of the few areas of Cole mocking I can’t get behind. Choppy choppy. The fans woo, as well they should. Doug reverses a whip, but charges into an elbow. Eddie with a back suplex and he goes up top, but Danny pulls Doug out of the ring. Eddie and Chavo drag Doug back in. Doug gets a back elbow, but he drops an elbow on the mat and eats some punches. Sheniqua gets on the apron, distracting the ref and Chavo (who takes a manly swipe at her that misses by inches) so Doug can whip Eddie into the ropes while Danny holds them down. Chavo prevents the double team as we go to break.
Commercials. Last year, models existed. And nothing has changed.
We’re back, with some Basham or other beating up Eddie. Springboard into a back elbow, and Doug slaps on a single-leg crab. “Eddie” chant. Sheniqua’s cries of “come on” backfire as they inspire Eddie to reach the ropes. Tag to Danny, who stomps away.. Another single leg crab ensues. Guess who: “Break his damn leg! Finish him! Come on!” Jesus, Jimmy Hart was less annoying than this. And he was pretty fucking annoying. A tag to Doug leads to a double-team snap suplex. Tully Blanchard is smiling somewhere. Thinking back to his days tagging with a certain someone who is leagues better than Lance Storm’s penis. Eddie fights off Doug and tries for the tag, but Doug does a drop toe-hold. Eddie still almost makes it before Danny knocks Chavo off the apron. There’s some serious boos. Chavo yells at the ref as the Bashams double-team. Eddie counters something with a head-scissors, but the Bashams tag off and keep on him. Chavo is flipping out on the apron. Whoa…a “Chavo” chant! Eddie gets slammed, but counters…something with a ruthless rollup for 2. Sheniqua chokes Eddie as the ref chats about bondage life with the Bashams. A cover gets 2. Tazz asks Cole if a world of hurt is like a planet of pain (or a spunkacider, perhaps.) The planet of pain is Venus. She made Kane tap in less than a minute once. True story. Even Jupiter generally needs more than a minute. Eddie gets a back suplex, but the Bashams just tag and go back to stompery. Doug tries for a powerbomb…and it actually works! Chavo makes the save. Doug with a bow and an arrow. Tazz and Cole snip at each other some more. Doug whips Eddie across the ring, but gets dropkicked. Eddie crawls for his corner, Danny gets the tag, he stops Eddie inches short of making the tag…and is kicked off! Tag to Chavo! He takes both Bashams down, there’s a back body drop for one, a dropkick for the other, and there’s a tornado DDT! Danny saves Doug. Chavo goes up and gets a cross body off the top on both. Chavo covers Doug, but Danny pulls him off and back suplexes eight pounds of crap out of him. Some Basham knocks Eddie off the apron, but Eddie pulls him out when he tries for some double-team move. Back in the ring, Eddie and Chavo double dropkick a Basham out, and then both Guerreros plancha a different Basham. Back in the ring, Chavo goes for a sunset flip on some Basham, but Sheniqua grabs the Basham’s arms, and he kneels forward and pins Chavo for an ultra-cheap 3. The Bashams lay the boots into Chavo, but Eddie attacks. The Bashams and Sheniqua now triple-team Eddie. Chavo rolls out of the ring, grabs a steel chair, and…stops. Then he sets up the chair and sits on it. Damn. He watches Gay Demolition triple-team Eddie while making angry faces for a few minutes. Nice, loud “Chavo sucks” chant. You can barely hear Sheniqua. The Bashams get bored and leave. Chavo gets in the ring, helps Eddie up, and flat-out decks him. Just a solid right hand right in the nose. “Asshole” chant as Chavo goes for mounted punches. Eddie is busted open as Chavo gets up and mocks the frog splash taunt. Chavo gets some blood on his hands. Now he starts to leave, thinks it over, and comes in for a first-class stomp on Eddie’s head. And then, the coup de grace, as he steals the fucking low-rider. Hahahaha. What a dick. Go ahead, steal my car, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.
Commercials. Max Payne X2. What can he do for you?
NO ENTRANCE FOR YOU, J-TRAIN. The J is for Jobber. To everyone but Funaki. Tazz takes off his sunglasses and does his “this is a shoot” voice to talk about Chavo’s turn. STAR WARS NERD is gonna bust some phat nerd rhymes. Geek life. It’s like Greek life without an r. Rise/franchise, mouth/South, blockers/Chewbacca, talk/Ewok, dice/Price, carriage/marriage. Cole acts like Cena just said something really shocking. Anyway, Cena punches. Tazz likes Cena. Cole: “Yeah, cause you guys are both thugs.” Tazz: “Cause you’re an idiot.” We will be back with more from Lincoln and Douglas. Cena kicks Train and tries for the F-U, but Cena escapes and clotheslines him down. Punchy punchy stomp stomp. Albert with an impressive double-underhook vertical suplex…thingie. Hairy Choke-out. Cena reaches the ropes. More choking occurs. Cena punches his way back, and gets a side suplex out of nowhere. Cena goes up (?) and gets an elbow across the back of Train’s head. Five knuckle shuffle…kick, wham, F-U. And that’s it. Squash City. You think maybe they’ve figured out that no one will ever care about A-Train? Nah.
Backstage, THE BLOOD OF EDDIEMANIA IS ON MY FACE hears from MY BLOOD IS RED, WHITE AND BLUE (BUT MOSTLY RED) who feels partially responsible. Eddie whimpers.
Commercials. UPN hates whitey.
Last week, Rey won the Little People Championship. This week, CHIB, CHIB, CHIBI-CHIBI-CHAN CHAN CHIBI-CHIBI-CHAN CHAN I HATE YOU (w/WE TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN STARS and NO ARGUMENT HERE, JUNIOR) will face BORING NOW (w/WAS ALWAYS BORING.) Grandpa doesn’t really call Chad junior. I’d be all over it in the Velocibeaks if he did. Rey trips Akio and does flippity stuff to start. He works a side-headlock, but Akio decides to whip him really hard into some turnbuckles. Stomp time. Rey fights back, and gets a huge facebuster as Tazz bitches about grits. Rey tries for a rana, but Akio fucking powerbombs him into the turnbuckles. Awesome. Tazz yells at Cole some more as Akio works a Not Yakuza Choke-out. Rey fights out, but Sakoda trips him and Akio gets a legdrop. Tree of Whoa, Where’s My Car? Akio tries for a baseball slide kick, but Rey sits up and Akio kills his “yam bags.” Rey gets himself out of the tree without the aid of firemen, and goes into punch mode. There’s a springboard crossbody for 2. Akio knees Misterio and tosses him to the ropes, but Rey counters a tilt-a-whirl into a rana. Rey signals for something, Akio…sets him up top, Rey goes for a double-axehandle, and Akio kicks him right in the stomach as he comes down. Akio goes choppy choppy, but Rey sends him into the ropes and gets a back body drop. Sakoda hops on the apron, but a baseball slide kick puts him in the ropes. Akio charges, and he gets tripped into the ropes. Double 619! 1238. Tazz tries to do the math for the same joke as Rey puts it away by surrounding Akio with celestial fire of the Martian persuasion. Sakoda tries to attack, but Rey surprises us by running away from Dodge. Tazz says that while Jamie Noble and Tajiri both watched this match closely, Nidia did not.
UGH! WILLIAM ASS is wearing leather pants and a transparent mesh shirt with collar! Yuck yuck yuck. He will apparently be hosting a special Best of Billy Gunn countdown for the next few weeks. Phew, it starts at three, as he and Butterbean’s punching bag beat 123 Kid and Sparky Plugg for the tag titles. This is a highlight, I shit you not. This had better be some kind of comic relief heel act, because otherwise it’s just sad.
Commercials. I doubt we’ll be seeing a 3 disk Ultimate Billy Gunn collection any time soon…unless it’s 3 3 and ½ inch floppies of naked jpegs.
That's right, these jpegs won't be wearing clothes at all.
HARDCORE MATCH? HEY, KINDA LIKE MY NAME! is interviewed by MY MICROPHONE GIVES ME KNOWLEDGE. Holly tells us Josh is smarter than the Big Show. Then he reminds us that his name is Hardcore and that we’re in Alabama. Guess this match will be non-title. What a shock.
WAS A FUR COAT REALLY WORTH LOSING MY VISION? tries to reach Jamie on his cell phone (which he bought with his inheritance that they seem to have forgotten) to no avail. SUPER POSEDOWN TIME BITCHES is…Paul Heyman. “I know how traffic in Huntsville can be at this hour.” Hahaha. At least, I hope that was a joke. Anyway, Jamie is scheduled to face Tajiri tonight for a shot at Rey Jr, and if he doesn’t arrive, Nidia has to face Tajiri. Fun.
Commercials. Look, no number of ads is gonna make me watch the model show, ok? Only Rick Martel could sway me.
Our Wrestlemania Recall is when Bam Bam Bigelow’s already ho-hum career ended because LT needed some crack money. TLC: “LT is a mighty good man!” I think that’s TLC. Damned if I know.
I HAVE A HISTORY OF KILLING NIDIA is set to face *WAVES HAND IN FRONT OF FACE* I CAN’T SEE YOU!! (w/VOGUE. STRIKE A POSE) because, of course, Jamie didn’t show up. Nice camerawork as we get a close-up of Tajiri, who has the good sense to look surprised (if I’m reading his filthy foreigner expression correctly.) Paul then steals her cane and yells “No weapons in my match!” Tajiri does a takedown, then a waistlock slam, then a couple of snap-mares, a fireman’s carry, and a side Russian leg sweep for the win. DUD. Do you suppose the term DUD is derived from “Dudley?” Tajiri sets for the IMPTHOKK, but I’M GONNA KILL SPANKY AND LONDON (w/PLEASE HINO, DON’T HURT ‘EM and DEAN AND I SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU BETTER) makes the save. He helps her down the aisle as DAMNED HUNTSVILLE TRAFFIC shows up and shoves him aside. Rey tries to interrupt his Nidia-comforting, so Jamie attaxorz him. Let’s take a break.
Commercials. It sounds like Cena say: “Whether fightin’, or spitin’, my discipline is unforgivin’.”
HERE COMES THE GUEST COMMENTATOR is here to guest commentate. Cole claims he reads Flex magazine all the time. That and Deadly Weekly. There are some fans wearing those HBK cross shirts. Fags. There are weapons at ringside, but sadly, no shopping carts or bowling balls. SHALL I MAKE THIS FOR THE TITLE? NAH is out first. Hardcore is a master strategist…by making Show walk to the ring, he can tire him out before the match starts! There’s the Royal Rumble chest. And now THIS MATCH HOLLY comes out. Show meets him in the aisle, and does hardcore headbutts. There’s a shot with a fat cane. Some fan: KICK HIS ASS!! WOOOO!! Weirdo. No, he didn’t say weirdo. Brok says “life’s a bleep.” Holly comes back by hitting Show with weapons. Show responds by throwing Holly outside and missing a slap. Holly attacks with a chair, then jumps on Brok completely out of the blue! Nice. Brok: “Get him off me! Jesus!” That was borderline angry Stevie level of crazyjumpingontheotherguyness. Show pulls Holly off and sends him into the post. Tazz tries to help Brok, who says Holly is lucky his chick is here (for all intents and purposes.) Cole: “Champ, I’ve got to ask you a question, this Hardcore Holly, this guy who’s actually got your…” Brok: “I’m the champion!” Cole: “Yeah, I know!” Back in the ring, Show attacks with weapons, and Hardcore counters with weapons. I normally like Hardcore matches; I’m not sure why I’m dissing this one so much. Show works Holly over with a really clean garbage can, but Holly trips him up so he falls face-first into it. There’s another can-shot by Holly. There’s two more to down Show. Holly covers for 2. Hardcore slaps on a full-nelson. That’s his move, Tony! Show powers out. Geez. Why give Holly that move as a finisher, and then have the frickin’ Big Show no-sell it weeks before Holly’s big ppv main centered on his desire to break Brok’s neck? Bah. Show headbutts Holly. Holly grabs something, but gets goozled. He sprays mace or silly string or cheese or something at Show to escape, then murderizes him with a chair shot. Show down to one knee, and Holly does it again. Now he opens the chair, drapes it over Show’s neck, and…somehow this is supposed to be a neck-wrenching finisher, as Show taps out. He’s the US champion, folks. Brok calls Holly out, Holly comes for him, and Brok flees through the crowd. Tazz says Hardcore Holly is on the hop. On the good foot.
Final thoughts: I am seriously considering picking up the Sailor Moon Japanese subtitled DVD box sets of seasons 1 and 2 for like $250. I need help.
