Special Bonus Presidential Address Coverage: President Busch (sp?) asked the Imperial Senate to make a new “Department of Government” to run everything. He also kept sayin’ “nucular” instead of “nuclear.”
Eww…the Cox Convention Center (named for famous Oklahoma hero Johnny “Six-Shooter” Cox) is full of buzz!
We’re opening with a MYSTERY RUMBLE. It is for a mystery prize, and has a mysterious number of participants. I’m starting to fear for my own relative mysteriousnessness. EVERYONE is here, more or less. From wide shot I recognize Mark Henry, Hurricane, Bob Holly, Randy Orton, Albert, Billy Kidman, and various other losers who don’t get intros. And Christian. Then Triple H gets part of an intro, as does Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, and that loveable Hulkster. Ok, the number of participants is no longer mysterious, it’s twenty. Unless Vince McMahon is competing…but he just wants to talk. This battle royal will be for the top contendership for the title. Hey, Farrooqq! Test! Anyway, the winner gets their title shot at King of the Ring. And it begins…now. D-Con! Godfather! Anyway, lots of people punch each other and stuff. Bye bye Godfather. Bye bye Faarrooqq! OMG RACISM! Maybe Booker T will enter so he can be next to get tossed! HA! D-CON GOES OUT! Please let Mark Henry go next so the net can go apeshit…ah…that silly Kidman gets knocked out by Test. And there goes the guy who was Val Venis. Christian must have tossed him, as he’s having a happy fit! Somehow, this doesn’t get him tossed, but brawling with Hogan will. Do we get a sad fit? Yep. Triple H goes out under the bottom rope to get beaten up outside by the surviving Canadians. Hey, Al Snow is in this! My money is on Al, as everyone will forget him until the end. Angle tosses Orton. Jericho almost tosses Al, who lands on the apron and stupidly attacks from there. He goes out, as does Lance Storm. Now Chavo attacks Mark Henry. Hi Chavo! Thanks for putting over the big lug! See ya next week! Hurricane tries for a chokslam on Angle, and deserves to go. There goes…who the Hell was that guy? Some big fat white dude with a blonde buzz-cut…not Holly…anyway. Angle is going nuts here, taking out Albert for three straight eliminations. Now he tosses Holly through the middle, gets stupid, and attacks Mark Henry. Angle holds on, then sends Henry out when Triple H sends Henry to the ropes. Facebuster by Triple H…SETS UP HARDCORE TO ELIMINATE ANGLE! Rock! Anyway, Test kicks Holly’s head CLEAN OFF to eliminate him. We’re left with Test, Trip, Hulk and Chris. Baby Team Helmet Canada unites on Triple H, but Hogan Hulks-Up and saves him. Tazz yells “Say your prayers Jericho!” but does not instruct Test to take his vitamins. Now Helmet America Team Baby works together to crush evil, and it’s time for a stare down of epic proportions. They pantomime things like “my eyes” and “title belt” at each other. Hogan…who hadn’t ripped off his shirt yet, rips it off now. Hunter attacks as he removes the shirt! BOO! Anyway, Hunter ducks a big boot and goes for the Cactus Clothesline, the stupidest possible move to use in a Royal Rumble, and makes damn sure to do it on the side away from the cameras. CONTROVERSY ABOUNDS!! WHO IS THE TRUE WEINER?
Commercials. This Clearasil commercial still features a young Bushwhacker. Hadn’t mentioned that in a while. AND THAT DOG DOESN’T MAKE SUSHI! IT’S A LIE!!! EEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
We’re back with replays. Hulk won. They show the two worst camera angles they can, and it’s still obvious that Trip hit first. Hulk falls slow cause he’s old, I guess. Of course, it’s “too close to call.” Man, when this was done way better and Lex Luger was involved, you blew it. VINCE MCSATAN comes out to vaguely insult the fans before giving us Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs Hollywood Hulk Hogan for free, tonight! That’s too many H’s for one match.
Now Kurt is talking to that interview guy. Angle complains about being a loser who gets screwed constantly, which magically brings out Hardcore Holly. Holly tells him to stop stressing, or he’ll lose his hair. Cause he’s wearing a wig! Funny! Anyway, they’re gonna fight, tonight. How do you like him now?
Panty Palz segment. Long version: The Primary Panty Palz are still upset with Rico, who worries about Billy’s complexion, Chuck’s stained (yech) robe, and the zit on Billy’s ass. We get a good look at said zit, because Gunn’s contract stipulates that his near bare ass be seen at least once a month. Chuck thinks it’s a birthmark. Billy thinks that if they don’t get the belts back tonight, they get a new stylist. Short version: They’re gay.
Commercials. You don’t need drugs to have a good time, you just need to WASTE WATER CALIFORNIA DESPERATELY NEEDS! EAST COAST 4 LIFE~!!
Edge vs Chris Jericho is promised, maybe, as Edge “may not be able to compete.” In others words, “Here’s the bait, but we’re hinting loudly at the switch now so please don’t get TOO mad, ok? Thx.”
STONE COLD KILLA and JUDGE RICO (w/that Asian Chick who turned heel for no reason at the end) vs DA PANTY PALZ in an ELIMINATION MATCH. Rikishi is introduced first, then the Palz, then Rico, in case there was any suspense left to be killed. Rico starts off, cause Rikishi is stupid. Chuck does some extra-fake offense, then taps out to a wristlock. That leaves Rikishi to get “double-teamed” by the Panty Palz. They proceed to do the same stuff they’ve been doing, with Chuck being the one set up for a Stink-Face. Billy comes in, but Rikishi catches him with a fat-ass press or something and eliminates him. GO CHUCK GO! Thanks to evil cheating Panty Power, Chuck gets to punch Rikishi a bunch while Rikisho takes the pad off of a turnbuckle. Riskishi starts a comeback, but gets Snake Eyesed into the exposed steel! It only gets 2, as Chuck sunset-flips Rikishi thinking that maybe, just maybe, it’ll work this time. It doesn’t, but Rikisho distracts the ref. Billy gets Samoan Slammed. Chuck gets Samoan Slammed. Rikisho goes in to cheapshot Rikishi, setting up a Jungle Kick from Chuck. Then they kill him, cut off his hair (the source of his strength,) melt the urn, and feed Gizmo after midnight. Rikishi still puts a foot on the ropes, but Rikisho knocks it down to give the Panty Palz their belts back! They hug outside of the ring as Rikishi flattens Rikisho eight different ways, gets his music played, and becomes the NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH.
Hurricane sketch. He finds another note, but seems less excited about confronting the villain than before. It really feels like he’s figured it out, and knows it’s gonna suck.
Commercials. Jerry “the King” Lawler, an Elvis Impersonator and Al Snow interview a crazy cast of kooky King of the Ring wannabes. Included are a Cowardly Lion, a Pharaoh (pot-shot at the Rock OMG,) an Asian Elvis Impersonator not significantly worse than the one on the panel, a parody of Larry King, a parody of Michael Jackson, and…some fat guy in drag. All of them are way cooler than Jerry Lawler, natch.
This commercial for Men’s Warehouse includes my new favorite compound noun ever: Tuxedo Package.
IT’S NIDIA!?!? Yeah, Nidia has been stalking the Hurricane. She acts like a coke-whore for a while, the term Hurribleep is introduced, then her boyfriend JAMIE “SHRIEKING REDNECK” NOBLE jumps out and beats Hurricane up for a while. THIS IS HUGE! It’s a good thing those two chicks won Tuff-E-Nuff, so next year Crash and Chavo can both have stalkers!
CHRISTIAN NEVER WINS vs NOT VAL VENIS. Well, heck, maybe Christian will win this time. Christian jumps Val during his fantastic intro. Why we gotta have this Canadian on Canadian violence? Val takes over soon enough with a hot-shot and some brawling, before Christian pulls him into the buckles. Tazz laments Christian’s emotional problems as he nails a dropkick. Val tries a suplex, but Christian reverses into his backbreaker. Val takes over with shoulderblocks and clotheslines, but blows it by going for the Imperfect-plex. Val goes for “a reverse Figure-4 of some sorts.” Christian makes the rope, counters a punch into his inverted DDT, and keeps it together even after getting a 2 count. They blow the Unprettier set-up, but eventually Christian gets to have his finisher countered for the 8 billionth time. Big win for the Big Winbowski.
SOME CHICKS FROM TUFF-E-NUFF I DUNNO ASK CHAINCAW woodenly introduce themselves to Vince. THE TRAINER WHO WASN’T JACKIE yells at them. Vince books a match for that new weekend show. GYRL POWAR!
Commercials. I predict Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock will soon replace Crosby and Hope as America’s most beloved…film guys.
Our Burn of the Night was the return of HBK. Um…a burn?
KURT (w/WIG) vs HOW DO YOU LIKE MY FIRST NAME, BOB/HARDCORE HOLLY. Tazz references the moonsault that broke Bob’s arm. Two points for Tazz. Hardcore rules early with brawling. Tonight is “impressive hot-shot” night. Kurt gets some breathing room with an overhead belly-to-belly. Short clothesline, but no DDT by Angle. Hardcore brawls back, but eats a non-rolling German. Sleeperhold by Kurt, but as Tazz points out, Hardcore has a thick neck. He uses his thick-neck power to reverse the sleeper, but Angle wisely suplexes out instead of selling for a while. Angle charges into the post as only he can, and you’d think Cole wants Hardcore to break his arm. Big powerslam by the hick, and he’s going up top. Angle runs in and belly-to-bellys him off the top, getting 2.999999999999. Kurt takes down the straps, and goes for the Angleslam. Bob escapes, and gets a belly-to-belly. Hardcore with his trademark low-blow in the ropes (um…ref?) before getting a nice powerbomb. How do you like him now? Well, I’d like him better if his sloppy Alabama Slam attempt didn’t beg to be countered by Ankle into the Anglelock. Hardcore fights for the ropes, and makes it. Ankle keeps holding the angle, ducking an enzugiri and trying for multiple Germans. Holly rolls him up, but Kurt rolls through and grabs the ropes for a cheap 3. Post-match Alabama Slam almost gets us our rightful look at Kurt’s chrome-dome, but Kurt goes low to escape. Kurt looks for revenge with a chair, but Hardcore uses the ring bell (and his personal Foley artist) to ensure he gets his music, and gets to be the NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH!
BIG EYEBROWS gets a hospital visit from FEMINIST STRIPPER. She eats a banana. Then jokes about keeping Maven “elevated” occur. Then there’s DIRTY, DIRTY SEX. But we cut to PEEPIN’ TAJIRI, who asks the hospital staff about Maven. After establishing that he has only the one name, Tajiri shows us how his Kabuki training paid off with some deeply disturbing facial contortions.
Commercials. I’m getting nervous…are they saving up for one block of nothing but GTA3 ads?
Ah, it’s our Slam of the Week, the SuperEdgeSpear.
Here’s more replays of the ending of the rumble. Tazz predicts Hunter will win tonight. Cole predicts Hogan, and while he has a logical reason, it’s still great to hear Tazz go, “Why?” “Why?” to rhyme with “dumbass.”
Comedy, they name is “Tajiri Dressed Like A Doctor.” Ohohoo, some real doctors drag him off to the ER! Wackiness is sure to ensue, because MEDICAL MALPRACTICE = FUNNAY. Even if there are no laughs, we’re guaranteed NEEDLESS DEATHS.
Commercials. Maya Angelou eat your heart out: Juwanna Man is the height of Black Culture. It has cross-dressing AND basketball! Watch that get no response, while other people get hate mail for bashing the Hardlyz…Also, exclusive interview #87243.01 with the Rock on WWF Confidential. This is a CAN’T MISS EVENT.
And here’s THAT CAST-WEARIN’ EDGE. He reveals that his SuperEdgeSpear destroyed his shoulder forever, and he needs surgery that will keep him out until the end of this interview, at least. He talks about how he’d take that very risk again, cause he loves this business and these fans and his Mother. Anyway, he swears to return and win the title and makes me believe this segment won’t be interrupted for the briefest of seconds before COUNTDOWN TO SWEET BRITCHES interrupts him. Chris: “You make me sick.” Catty! Jericho less-than-shockingly makes fun of Edge. He’s already King of the World, now he’ll be King of the Ring. Tazz: “Nice play on words there!” Jericho wants Edge to raise his hand, but that potty-mouth won’t help anything! Sure enough, Edge attacks, but Jericho quickly goes to work on the shoulder, sending him into the post and the railing and the etc. He throws his shirt on Edge, but Cole fails to claim it’s the “300 pound shirt!” Ah…now the ring steps and chairs get involved. Jericho declares himself “King of the World” just for the heck of it, but STILL NOT VAL VENIS comes out to make the save and claim victory in this segment. Jericho puts it best when he yells “Who the Hell are you!?” off-mic. No combination of imagery and sound better represents manly friendship and camaraderie than Val staring at Jericho and occasionally glancing at Edge as porn music plays.
Commercials. Fram: we get oil on your stuff. No matter how many times it happens, the Stacker 2 crew never expect Lita to hijack their car. Probably figure she won’t drive on a broken neck.
Cole and Tazz pimp “Striptease.” It just feels…right.
Ah, it’s time for our first DAWN KIEBLER showdown. Slut Shodown!
Billy Abbot puts one over on Lance Costello.
Tajiri sneaks in on Maven and Torrie, and sprays them with Green Mist. If Maven’s reaction is any indication, Green Mist is the “Laughing Mist.”
Commercials. This week’s episode of The Parker’s will make fun of the fat one, so don’t miss it!
Our Smack of the Night is Triple H losing when Test, Storm, Taker, and the 1st Armored Division attacked him last week. And they used a chair!
LANCE LAUREL vs BILLY HARDY. OMG HARDY 2-X-TREME!! Flying clotheslines and dropkicks and pin reversals abound. Kidman sort of gets an advantage with a powerbomb, but not really as Lance gets a DDT. Kidman escapes…something into a top-rope bulldog. Lance’s half-crab is now the “Straight Shooter.” Well, better than “Maple Leaf” anyway. Kidman goes up for the Shooting Star, but Lance attacks. Kidman with a sunset-flip into a powerbomb (I knew that, Tazz.) Then I blink and Storm wins somehow. Damn it!
Now Interview Dude talks to HHHHHHHHH. The winner of his match with Hogan faces “the very same Undertaker” who interfered in H’s match last week. Not that other Undertaker. Interview Guy was worried that Hunter might think he was just fighting some regular 120 lb guy who dresses up corpses. You know, as nicer-looking corpses. Well, anyway, it doesn’t matter as Triple H walks off without saying anything. Ignoring questions is noncommittal and noncommittal is COOL. APATHY OWNZ JOO.
Commercials. From one of those Judge shows: “My son was actually believin’ that I don’t love him cause I’s gay.” Finally, a serious look at the issue of homosexuality and the nuclear…well, probably not nuclear family. Not even nucular.
Now Tazz and Cole shill the Ivory vs Hot Mocha match. Student vs Teacher. Ivory: If you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine” or something.
SEXTOOPLE H MATCH: HOLLWOOD HULK LIAR vs THE CEREBRAL GAME ASSASSIN JEAN-PAUL HUNTER HEARST MCMAHON-HELMSLEY LEVESQUE. Triple H apparently isn’t a body-builder, cause he was the first non body-builder ever to be on the cover of Flex magazine. Hulk Hogan looks annoyed as High Holy Heck at the length of HHHHHHHH’s intro. Hulk Hulks Up early, sending H to the outside on his injured elbow. Hulk bangs H’s face into the steel steps, so Cole immediately declares that his elbow also hit. Hulk eventually gets sent into the post himself. Cole starts to talk about Hunter wisely taking a breather as Hunter attacks Hogan. Hunter chokes Hulk in the corner, cause cheating is cool. Hunter works over Hulk WITH THE INJURED ELBOW *smarks out*. Hogan fights back a bit, but Hunter slaps on a sleeperhold. Cole asks a dumb question about Hunter’s injured elbow affecting the sleeper, and Tazz struggles to make it sound legitimate. And you know, after all these years of CONSTANTLY being put into sleeper holds, you’d think Hogan would write “backdrop” or “jawbreaker” on the back of his hands or something. Anyway, Hulk Hulks Up and gets a sleeper of his own, which Hunter immediately counters with a side-suplex. He coulda sold it for twenty minutes only to Hunter up, but that wouldn’t have been Gamey. Hulk kicks out and starts shaking his head. Hunter instinctively looks to the fans when Hulk goes into the full-fledged Hulk Up. Hunter rolls away from the Legdrop and kicks low for the Pedigree, but Hogan backdrops out. Hogan gets the Legdrop, but it only gets 2! Apparently, Papa Shango was supposed to break it up, but he missed his cue so Hunter kicked out. Hogan thinks he’s won, but not after Hunter kicks him low and Pedigrees him for 3. Hunter tried to raise his hand like a nice babyface, but Hogan shoves him off. Hunter shrugs and starts off, but Hogan calls him back. They tease another battle, but looking in their eyes, you can see the love. THEY HUG! OMG FAGZ! They start to play “Voodoo Child,” so Hulk starts to leave. Hunter pulls him back in for another hug…no, make that a posedown. Hunter checks to see which crowd is loudest. Papa Shango finally arrives, but with shades! All three do the 2-Cool dance! Not really. Anyway, BALD ANGLE arrives in the entryway, but it’s just a distraction so BIG RED EVIL DEADMAN BOOGER DEVIL INC can attack from behind! Evil beats up good for awhile. Finishers were involved. Get the details somewhere else, as I am outtie.
*disappears in a puff of logic*
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