Ok, I'm sure 90% of those reading this are or have been rebea…recappers somewhere, so allow me to explain what hat dropped to make my rebeak so late and half-assed this week. We've all had times where there was a brand-new video game waiting to be played while we had a rebeak to write. Situations where, as much joy as rebeaking gives us, we'd rather be playing the game. Well on Thursday, I not only picked up a new game, I picked up the new PS2 Smackdown game, so every aspect of the show I'm rebeaking will serve as a constant reminder that I could be playing my new game. So…yeah. Apologies for this showing up maybe a half an hour before the Heatbeak is online waiting to be read.
Last week: Paul Heyman tried to talk, but was countered by the Shittytaker. Yeah, that's a horrible nickname. Shut up. Everything Paul says is echoed by a weird, low-pitched voice. Taker then kills everyone on Smackdown five times over by sleeping at them. This replay features all fifty false-finishes to last week's main. Hey…it looks like he punched both guys with the biker chain three times! I forgot to note how Taker's voice keeps cracking when he tells Vince he'll be buried alive (omg.)
Here's the Smackdown theme, which I hate twice as much now as it is the loading music in the new SD game. "I'm ready to smell fear and I smell a lot." That's actually in there.
KURT ANGLE'S STATS ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Angle's weakest stat is higher than O'Haire's best stat. I had to give him like four widowmakers to win. And then we had a cage match where he whipped me into the turnbuckle, then escaped the cage. Just like that. CHRIS BENOIT'S STATS ARE SLIGHTLY LESS RIDICULOUS only needs about two widowmakers and a Seanton before he'll stay down. Sean O'Haire's stats are probably lower than Trish Stratus'. I'll check later. I'll bet you anything they're lower than Piper's. Last week, Angle and Benoit opened up old wounds. Then they poured salt in them. Now their wounds are full of iodine. This week, they will again face I AM IN NO WAY RELATED TO O'HAIRE BUT IT WOULD BE HUMOROUS IF I WAS DUE TO MY COPIOUS AMOUNT OF HAIR and CENA TRIED TO JOIN O'HAIRE'S FACTION AND I WAS ALL "I CAN'T SEE YOU…JOINING US." Haha. You have to pick your faction's name from a list (I wanted to call it "Spydor") so O'Haire's faction with Matt Hardy and Stevie Richards ended up being "Nation of Domination." Not the Nation, just Nation. This is important, as their bus is called "Nation of Domination Express" instead of "The Nation of Etc Etc." So when evil heels working for Vince destroy it, JR and King yell stuff like "Oh no, Taker is destroying Nation of Domination Express!" I'm not doing a very good job of not thinking about that game, am I? Cena "raps." Great/date, up/up (AWESOME,) bookie/wookie (in reference to A-Train,) me/Halloweenie. An above average rap with a full four for four (444) rhyme rate. None of this changes the fact than when Cena decided to get revenge on O'Haire for rejecting him, he did it by teaming up with the Undertaker! TEAM SIDECAR. The match hasn't even started and I've filled up a page. Benoit starts with Cena. Some fan has a sign that says "I *heart* AMY." On behalf of Mercury, she thanks you, and applies for a restraining order. Now Angle is in. Tazz: "If A-Train is the whoopee to John Cena…" Cole: "Wookie!" Tazz: "You're like, the R2D2 to me!" Cole protests that Tazz looks more like R2D2. Dude…are you fighting for the right to be thought of as C3PO? Fag. There's a fan with a sign that says "SKULL." Ok. Train is now in. Guys have been punching each other and stuff. Angle comes in, gets behind Train, and rides him. Cena runs around and helps A-Train take over. Hairy, shiny offense is…done. Cole claims he is an athlete, and Tazz says ping-pong doesn't count. Then he talks about Polish hammers. Tazz: "Cena says 'you can't see me' to Benoit, but Benoit's like 'I can see you.'" It's like he's reading a rebeak aloud. Oh, Cena is in. He gets Anglelocked by Ankle. Ankle always gives O'Haire the Anglelock, then pins him. Wicked retarded. Everyone lies around. What a horrible match write-up this has been. Train and Benoit are tagged in. This will be good, they're great together. Not as great as Benoit and anyone else, but still. Train considers showing mercy on Benoit, but decides against it. Chris misses Air Canada, and a pier 6 spontaneously breaks out. Angle gets an Angle Slam on Train, only to get F-Ued. Train charges Benoit, and accidentally hits Cena. Benoit gets behind Train, rides him, has no mercy on him, forces him to eat pork, etc. Air Canada connects this time, for 3. Post-match, Train asks Cena where he was during the pinfall. "You squished me!" It would have been beyond awesome if he'd added "dawg." Train shoves Cena, who kicks him low and F-Us him. Play the music. Word-life, this is basic thuganomics. HE IS THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH. As much as I hate him, the great unwashed are totally down with him (dawg,) so I guess this makes sense.
MAIN EVENT CONGRATULATOR overacts like a sumbitch as he yells at THE KOOL-AID MAN. In his efforts to sound angrier than usual, he uses a goofy voice. Basically, he says every word with the tone he normally reserves for "fired." Heyman announces that, based on what the Undertaker is capable of, he has given the Undertaker time off until Survivor Series (BEST SMACKDOWN EVER.) Vince makes a series of odd noises. He then instructs Paul Heyman to hire terrorists (!?) to burn down the Undertaker's house, to have Taker's children (!?!?) kidnapped, and to have his wife raped by a biker gang. I swear to God, he actually says this. If this hasn't happened within fifteen minutes, Vince will kill Paul. I hope Heyman has some terrorists on his rolodex.
Commercials. Did I mention I bought the new Smackdown game?
Later tonight, Dawn and Torrie will have a Halloween Costume Contest. Cole wonders what they'll be wearing, and Tazz thinks they're going to wear pumpkins and licorice. Because Tazz basically responds to all questions with a series of random words.
Backstage, DAWN KILLED MY DAD BUT I GUESS SHE'S BASICALLY OK hangs around being mostly naked. In another backstage area, GOOF FIENDS BATTER ENEMAS (Kurt and Chris) decide to TEAM UP at Survivor Series. But no touching. They will survive…survivor series. In yet another backstage area, HEY, MAN confronts FUNDER OF TERRORISTS. Vince says he will murder Paul, and then, when he's dead, he'll fire him. And then Kane will have sex with him. Paul delivers a speech about how Vince is a big pathetic loser who picks on cripples, girls and pudgy Jews when he used to be all bad-assed. It turns into a verbal blow-job about how Vince is better than Ted Turner, the federal government, Jesus, and…the Undertaker. "Ruthless aggression" and "No chance in Hell" get trotted out. As my brother points out, the semester is nearly over and both Vince and Paul must be working on their monologues. Paul's delivery almost made up for the hatefulness of his lines.
Commercials. Play through a full year of season mode and you can unlock eggs. Also, the Hot Wheels T-Wrecks playset is, remarkably, more stupid than most "giant animals try to kill your car" playsets.
Cole says "Hotlanta." I hate him. Here's some footage of the recent southern tour. Cena and Rey-Rey suck up to little kids at separate events. Aw.
BAHBAHQUE SAUCA (w/HIS FRIENDS) joins the commentary crew. Tazz asks who his friends are, and Tajiri responds "my friends." I AM SO GONNA WIN THIS SEWING CONTEST (w/I WAS NOT IN THAT EPISODE and FEEL FREE TO KNOCK AMY DOWN SO I CAN SNEAK A PEEK AT HER UNMENTIONABLES) gets a more elaborate nickname than usual this week…just because. Asked for an opinion on Misterio, Tajiri says "I'm much better." He will face NOT AS GOOD AS CHUCK PALUMBO to determine who the #1 contender to Tajiri's belt is. Cole asks Tajiri what he thinks of Dragon, and Tajiri says, "Ah…ok. Ok. I'm much better." Cole then asks about the misting of Nidia. "Oh Nidia, that accident. I apologize to Nidia. I'm sorry…hee hee hee." Dragon and Rey run around. Rey gets a springboard cross-body for 2, but Dragon counters with his 17 kick combo. Rey goes for a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, and then his contrived bulldog spot. Tazz: "Awesome match-up, I mean Tajiri, you think these guys are a little bit better than you pointed out?" Tajiri: "I'm much better." Tazz: "Your match better. I gotcha ya." Rey tries for 619, Dragon ducks it, but Rey hot-shots him anyway. Rey tries for the MCFS, but Dragon kicks him on the way down. Dragon tries for the Asai DDT, it doesn't work (SHOCK,) but Tajiri KOs Rey with a kick on the apron. Dragon doesn't see it, but he does cover for 3 when Rey seems to spontaneously die. Tajiri and his boyees enter the ring and Tajiri bows to Dragon, whom he considers OK. Dragon, for the time being, declines to join Team Japs.
YOU HAVE TO BE AT THE TOP OF YOUR GAME yells at ARE YOU TELLING ME TO BE AT THE TOP OF MY GAME? for…not having been at the top of his game last week. Show claims he was. At the top of his game. That game being Hungry Hungry Hippos. SOME CREW GUY tells Brok he has been summoned by Paul Heyman. He's going to pit Brok against Yuna's Valefor.
Commercials. Speaking of Yuna, my brother told me he'd read Final Fantasy X-2 was being delayed until March, pissing me off mightily. Turns out he meant Final Fantasy X II, which really is the name of a separate game. Squaresoft's nomenclature is thoroughly retarded.
SUMMONER PAUL, READY! is in the ring with THE COLOSSUS OF BOOGER RED (who manages to walk all the way down the aisle without falling on his ass) and SOME BIG DUDE IN SILVER PANTIES. This other new guy may be good, who knows, but he can hardly be expected to hang with a gifted entertainer like Nathan Jones. Paul says he's not going to waste any words, and then he talks a lot. AT LEAST IT'S VALEFOR AND NOT THAT FAGGOTY UNICORN THING answers Paul's summons. He refuses to get in the ring with the guy he once killed and his two huge weirdoes until I'M STILL WASHING POOP OUT OF MY MANY FOLDS OF FAT is out to watch his back. That's using your noggin, Brok. Too bad Show was on Heyman's side when all that crap went down and you've been brow-beating him to a Lunaesque degree recently. All is well, however, as Paul is giving Brok the two meatbags for his Survivor Series team. To ensure it sucks. Show is also along for the ride. For further suckage. The closest thing we get to an explanation for why Heyman isn't ordering Brok's death is "we're both heels." Brok: "I like what's coming out of your mouth Paul." Then Paul books Show and Leznar against the APA. 2NITE.
LITTLE GIRLS TIE BOWS REAL MEN TAI-BO and I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE are playing the new Smackdown game. Just when I'd managed to go a few segments without thinking about it. THAT WHOLE ANGLE WITH ME STANDING UP TO SHANIQUA ISN'T GOING TO GO ANYWHERE, IS IT? shows up in a robe and shows the boys her costume. Both respond to her sexayness, but after she leaves Paul London unpauses the game and starts kicking OJ's ass while he's still drooling. Paul London doesn't let insanely attractive women distract him. He trained under Shawn Michaels (and I do mean under.)
Commercials. I bet every chapter of Stone Cold's book ends with "and that's all I gotta say about that." Every two page chapter.
Hardcore Holly hasn't changed his mind about wanting to kill Leznar.
SHO BETTA FUNAKI continues this week's SD running theme: the hilarity of Japs trying to speak English. I AM SHOCKED THAT TORRIE'S COSTUME INVOLVES LINGERIE is out first. She's wearing a lacy white teddy, but there's bunny ears on her head so I suppose she's a bunny. Cole thinks Tazz is going to trick or treat as a pumpkin, Tazz thinks Cole will go as a goof. HOOKER/ATTORNEY/WONDAR WOMAN has a nickname I thought would be long enough to screw up the spacing, but I guess it didn't. She is dressed as traditional Wonder Woman, not the evil alternate dimension one who basically did a bunch of nothing while heel Hawk Girl and heel Green Lantern got their mack on to annoy The Cubs Fan. To make a brutally long story short, both girls prance around, Dawn smears herself with chocolate caramel and removes her top, and then SCREW VELOCITY THAT SHIT'S BENEATH ME enters the ring for no particular reason. He says something about showing Sho the "trick" in trick or treat, and then Torrie shoves him into the caramel. No, it doesn't make sense. Cole declares him a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Because Tazz is made of peanut butter. Oh, at one point Tazz mishears Sho and thinks there are moths in the caramel. And he says some weird stuff about how Michael Cole always removes his red patent leather boots when bobbing for apples, but I don't feel like integrating that in properly.
Commercials. GTA:VC is coming to the XBOX. Get ready for constant commercials.
The Cat is coming! He can't sing, but at least he escaped from the Farplane.
N.O.D. REJECT is walking down the hall. GO WIGGLYTUFF! tells him he thinks Paul Heyman is going to name him the fifth member of Team Leznar. Assuming Brok isn't pulling off some evil trick to turn Cena face (which he almost certainly is,) I have to ask: has he completely forgotten why Cena's finisher is called the F-U?
Commercials. What an epic segment. Fire Emblem is coming for GBA. FFX2 > FE. PS2 > GBA. Complete sentences > quasi-math equations.
Moments ago: Torries threw Tazz into chocolate FOR NO REASON. Tazz tries to make it better by yelling "BIG HUGS!" and hugging Cole to smear some of the chocolate on him.
CHAVO JANNETY tries to trick Eddie into wandering past a barbershop window, and then demands a public apology from Eddie for losing their tag titles. He mentions Eddie's past substance abuse problem. If King were here, he'd do his "this is a shoot" voice. I WAS SURE THE POOP HOSE WOULD SAFEGUARD MY TITLE is bummed. He hits the ring for a promo in which he…basically apologizes. But it wasn't cool for Chavo to mention the drugs and alcohol. Chavo hurt Eddie with his words. Eddie and Evil Chad should do anti-drug public service announcements. Some fan yells that Eddie sucks, so Eddie confesses to sucking. He then goes all Chumbawumba or whatever those tools were called, and declares his intention to reach the top with Chavo again. The crowd is totally into this. But here comes COME ON, whom Eddie refers to as "a Mamacita wannabe." He then essentially declares that if she gets into the ring, she has to have sex with him. BALD BULL TIMES TWO attack from behind. Eddie beats up all three for a while, but eventually the numbers take over. Chavo makes the save.
By the way, Sean O'Haire's theme song has lyrics written by Shaniqua.
Commercials. Grand Theft Auto: Crazy World.
Cole and Tazz pimp Blade and limpbizkit, whose weird logo makes it look like their name is blimpbizkit.
A trainer or whoever checks out QUIT HURTING ME WITH YOUR WORDS, ESSE, who yells at him. PAUL E ESSE VATO ORALE HOLMES (yes, Eddie actually says this) books Eddie vs the Bashams in a handicapped match. Because we know how much he hates Eddie Guerrero. Right? "What? Handicapped match? What about me vs Paul E!" Eddie rules.
Now KILL SWITCH!! ANGRY!! interviews I LAUGH AT YOUR PATHETIC FINISHERS O'HAIRE about his Survivor Series team. One time, when Ric Flair was cutting a promo to build heat for a Flair/Ramon vs Perfect/Savage match at Survivor Series, he yelled, "We've been surviving, all of our lives! WOO!" I think I mentioned that in the WV-15, but I doubt anyone scrolled down that far. Anyway, Kurt announces that he's been on the phone with Hardcore Holly (Can you hear him now? Good.) and that Bob Hardcore will be part of Team Tangle at Survivor Series. That's Double B joining Double T at Double S. Somebody call Jeff Jarrett. Tell him you're got taters for him to cook up. After goofy humor about guys scratching themselves, Kurt calls out ANGLE'S PET AFRICANS. Because Bradshaw is from Africa. He calls Josh "Fruit Booty" because he completely, utterly, and totally sucks. Booker T should kick his ass on general principle. Farooq says "damn."
This main event graphic shows Bradshaw wearing a "Drink or Fight" T-shirt. He got it from Stone Cold. While beating women who don't drink.
Commercials. How do you learn to fall off a ladder? Also…I have my suspicions about the Earth really being destroyed on the next Enterprise.
Tazz wipes Cole's face, but he doesn't spit on the towel first. Cole whines.
A pre-recorded Undertaker interview airs. I don't remember anything interesting occurring so I'm gonna skip it. I'm pretty sure they edited it so his voice doesn't keep breaking.
Now it's time for our main event. I'm anxious to get back to my game and I still have Velocity to do, so this is gonna be quick. THE BROK SHOW get separate entrances. I'M YOUR NIGGER/BITCH, SHELTON BENJAMIN and DAMN do not, because that would mean Farooq appeared important in some fashion. Actually, they go to break before those guys are even introduced, but I have a feeling they'll share an entrance.
Commercials. I would rather see a movie detailing the adventures of the stoned egg dudes than this giant elf crap.
Big Show's music is still playing. Poor live crowd had to listen to the extended mix. The APA enter to little crowd enthusiasm. Brok beats up Bradshaw for awhile. Good. Then Bradshaw fights back, at one point doing a shoulderblock when he could easily have done a clothesline. His finisher being a clothesline. Have I mentioned that he sucks? Anyway, Show comes in for headbuttery, and Tazz declares his head "farm-like." Bradshaw and Bigshaw fight shittily. Eventually Farooq gets tagged in and dies a lot. Bradshaw cheats and clotheslines Big Show. From Hell. Then he attacks Brok, which is dumb because Brok whips him into the stairs. Brok grabs a chair and kills Farooq, giving the APA a DQ win on SD. Bradshaw travels to the Farplane (perhaps Summoner Heyman performed a sending) so Show and Brok can Pillmanize Farooq. KURT BENOIT makes the save way too late, and methinks Farooq is off the team next week. Vince must have realized halfway through the show that he was booking a darkie into an uppercard ppv match. THE BIG BOOT BROTHERS come in and do big boots because they're both tall. Then they do powerbombs. Because they're tall. And not good. Cole wonders if Team Angle can survive survivor series. I don't think Brok's crew plans to commit murder on live television, Cole.
Final thoughts: I didn't even get silver panties guy's name. So lazy.
