Sorry this is so late. Uh…my dog ate my laptop.
We open with a recap of Hulk’s vicious, horrible lies. I bet his Dad isn’t even dead. I bet he doesn’t even have a Dad!
STONE COLD KILLA and JUDGE RICO (w/falsified evidence condemning Judge Dredd) vs THE PANTY PALZ. Rikishi kicks down the Palz, setting up a Stinkface, all of two seconds into the match. Rico tries to betray him but gets caught, so the Palz will have to double-team him for awhile. Rikishi eventually gets a double-clothesline, so Rico spin-kicks him from behind. Everyone plays dead for awhile before Rikisho tags Rikisho in by slingshotting him into the ring. Chuck goes for a sunset flip like a MORON, and Rikisho sits on him. Tricking people into sunset flipping him is Rikishi’s new finisher. Anyway, Rikisho tries to attack Rikishi again, but Rikishi KOs him and he lands on the still KOd Chuck. The ref counts 3, the Panty Palz act upset, Rikishi dances, etc. [Smark mode] Hey, remember when three really over teams put on sensational TLC matches for those titles? [/Smark mode]
Commercials. UPN makes me feel whiter, and that’s no easy task.
Our Smack of the Night is Christian being humiliated in various ways.
Speak of the devil: Maven’s eyebrows have wooed Torrie Wilson, who kisses him. Tajiri sees it, and acts pissed. Kidman ain’t happy either. Cole suggests we call Tajiri “Peepin’ Tajiri.” Ah, poor Cole. I’ll do it.
I NEVER WIN (Christian, with cool intro) vs TUFF E’NUFF CHAMPEEN. They do stuff, and eventually Maven sends Christian outside and planchas onto him. Back in the ring, Christian with his slop-drop into a backbreaker thing, then some choking. Christian ALWAYS chokes, and I mean that literally in two ways. Christian tries for a superplex, so of course Maven fights out. Surprisingly, he goes for a top-rope bulldog instead of a dropkick. Now he looks for the dropkick, but PEEPIN’ TAJIRI crotches him. Christian can smell chicanery a mile away, so he quickly moves in for an Unprettier and a win. He never wins, unless I think he won’t, or something.
VINCE MCSATAN talks on a phone, then ogles some chick who isn’t even pretending to be a lawyer. Oh, it’s DAWN MARIE, great. Chris Jericho interrupts McMahon’s strip-o-gram to gripe about his match with Ffaarrooqq. McMahon mentions Ffaarrooqq’s ass, cause it’s quite large. Vince uses his mastery of reverse psychology to make Chris happy about the match, but you already knew that, didn’t you?
Commercials. I refuse to believe Jared has friends. Not after what he did to me, Tazz, the Hardyz, Kane, and whoever else was in that “Quest for Stacker 2” thing.
Our hosts pimp Wolf Lake. It’s about teenage werewolves, so you know it’s good.
SWEET BRITCHES vs FFAARROOQQ AASSAADD’’SS AASSSS. This match in particular is brought to you by Undercover Brother. The producers of the movie were like, “Who should we sponsor to attract the attention of people who might wanna watch our black secret agent movie? Deacon Batista? Chuck Palumbo? Perhaps, former secret agent Dean Malenko?” Ffaarrooqq beats Chris up forever. Fans keep booing him, cuz CANADIANS ARE RACIST. Has nothing to do with Chris being Canadian. I’d never accuse Canadians of irrational nationalism. Not when I could accuse them of RACISM. Anyway, Jericho eventually catches a descending Farrooq with a dropkick, then does some cocky stuff before removing the padding over a turnbuckle. Ref gets on his case, and Farrooq decks the Lion-Hearted Living Legend. Dominator set up, but nobody remembers that that is his finisher so Chris escapes. Jericho bulldog sets up the Lionsault, but Farrooq moves. Crazy spinebuster gets 2 for Mr. Asad, but he stupidly charges the exposed post and gets dropped on the back of his head for a Larger Than Life Loss.
Commercials. There’s a local radio ad with people laughing, but I don’t understand what’s funny. It’s not like, “yeah, that’s soooo funny” either, as I literally have no idea why anyone is laughing. There was NO JOKE. None.
D-CON DUDLEY is reading or something when CANADIAN LANCE STORM drags him into the shower for a “Confessional.” Lance begs forgiveness for being a Western Canadian. THE CROWD DON’T LIKE THAT! Actually, they’re pretty indifferent. Anyway, more unfunny stuff occurs but DEACON BATISTA appears which makes at least one person happy (assuming they’re watching.)
HULK LIES says a bunch of crap. My favorite part of this is how the interviewer and Hulk both smile and shake their heads at the cheers. They don’t actually say “You crazy, wacky Hulkamaniacs. We love ya, ya knuckleknobs.” But they should have. Hulk: “All I wanted to do was bow out gracefully, in a professional manner.” Hulk poops on the title by saying he’d rather beat up Vince McMahon, which everyone from Stone Cold to Stephanie McMahon has already done, than wrestle for the belt. At any rate, VINCE MCSATAN comes out to yell, but wait oh my goodness shock of shocks it’s a set-up as KURT IS BALD HAHA FUNNAY hits Hulk from behind with a pipe or a halberd or something. I guess Kurt got sick of being beaten up by Edge and Maven.
Commercials. I mean, just look at the Hungry Man commercial. When Booker T is staring at the ceiling, delivering the “whole pound of food” line. He’s transported. It’s ecstasy. It’s kind of sick, really. Must be a damn fine meal, though.
Our Burn of the Night is the WWF hating Sofa’s guts.
BIG BOOGER RED EVIL RED DEVIL is out to tell us he’s the WEE Champion. He’s the greatest WEE Champion of all time, cause Hogan is the only other one. You know, recapping Smackdown these last few weeks, I haven’t missed him at all. Taker sucks up to the local fans…then completely forgets to slam them! Huh. Anyway, JUNIOR COWBOY takes the thirteen steps into the ring. Taker offers the handshake, Randy takes it without incident. Undertaker better stop dancing around, or he’ll get tired. Booger Red with shoulderblocks and a headlock and another shoulderblock and it’s boring as crap before Orton goes into underdog offense mode. There’s an armdrag, a back-body toss, and eventually the kid drops Taker out of the ring and planchas onto him! Back in the ring, we get a roll-up before Taker starts stomping to take over. Taker removes the corner buckle cover again, or maybe they just never reattached it right after Jericho took it off. Orton begs for mercy, then slips behind Taker and goes back on offense! Taker catches the kid with a sideslam, a move that never ends his matches, and Cole freaks out when he pulls the kid up at two. Unfortunately for all fans of the undead, Taker ends up going into the exposed corner! Orton with his finisher…whatever that is…but it only gets two. Orton gets some more roll-ups, but it Taker eventually ends it with a big boot and a chokeslam. It was a good match, really, I just hate the Undertaker a lot. Anyway, Taker is all evil and stuff so he tries to KILL Orton with a chair, presumably by strangling him with it or something, but H TO THE H TO THE H comes out and attacks him. Because like a month ago, Taker cost H the title. I can’t believe they expect me to remember that stuff!
Commercials. Man, nobody ever invites me to 1970s basketball-themed funk parties! Holy shit, I saw a white guy’s arm! Mad props, token white guy!
LETTUCE HEAD and GREASY GREASY KIDMAN vs PEEPIN’ TAJIRI and CHEAT TO WIN JR. I love Chavo’s music. Tajiri and Hurricane start, with Tajiri bridging out of a fireman’s carry and nailing a crazy kick. Hurricane with…uh…the Gay Sex Lock, ramming Tajiri’s head into the corner. I don’t know what to call it. Tazz puts it best when he screams “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?” Then he puts it bester when he says “I know who taught the Hurricane that move! The Martian who had the accident on Hurricane’s head!” Then stuff happens, and Kidman powerbombs Chavo. I hate recapping cruiserweight tags, as I can’t keep up without rewinding constantly. Kick-ass spot with Tajiri Tarantulaing Kidman, and Chavo dropkicks Kidman right in the face. Tajiri tries to powerbomb Kidman, because he’s never seen a Kidman match before. Kidman tags Hurricane, who knocks Tajiri around a bit. Buff Blockbuster by the Hurricane. Buff would arrive to complain, but that would mean he was on TV which is impossible. Tajiri tries for the Tarantula, but Hurricane sends him outside. He follows up with “A super hilo by a superhero.” Tazz said “I just thought of something, you like beef jerky, right?” in there somewhere. Chavo baseball slide-kicks Hurricane, then checks on Tajiri so Kidman can go all Lucha and hit a springboard shooting star press to the outside. That pretty much ruled all, right there. Meanwhile, my little brother’s River City Ransom character just went in to Amy’s Sweet Tooth and asked for a bunch of jaw breakers. Be careful how you word that, Ryan! Har har har anyway. Hurricane sends Tajiri back in and signals for the chokeslam, but is interrupted by his own music! A mysterious message and a mysterious picture on the Smackdowntron distract him, allowing Tajiri to kick him and thus win. Who’s hands are the mysterious female hands handling the Hurricane in the picture of hands? Could it be…MOLLY~!!?
Commercials. “I think my partner’s a rat!” “Hey, don’t call me a rat! Scumbag.” I wish the mobsters from GTA3 would kill that fucking EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE midget. Also, Max Payne exists.
Our Slam of the Week is Test teaching HHHHHHHH that he doesn’t have immunity from Test’s boot. Cole: “What’s Test’s deal?”
HE OF THE MANY, MANY H’S has a really long intro. He will be facing CORPORATE TEFLON DOUBTING TEST HAS IMMUNITY. Cole runs down Test, and Tazz makes.me smile by saying “Well maybe you should tell him your feelings, Cole!” Triple H dominates early like always. Tazz: “Test doesn’t need a reason to kick somebody in the face! That’s what Test does!” Triple H chokes and punches and clotheslines Test to the outside. Test finally gets some offense when he reverses Trip’s efforts to smack his head into a table, but Triple H immediately starts beating on him some more. Now CANADIAN LANCE STORM comes out to stand around. This distracts Trip enough for Test to get in a second offense move. Now Test brawls and pushes the ref and stuff. Triple H fights back, but eats a Ho Train Attack. Cole sez “Triple H isn’t breathing much right now.” Big Sidewalk Slam by Test, who then tosses HHHHHHH out to get Canadian Super Kicked. Lance rolls Trip back in, Test covers, and Trip puts his on the ropes. Somewhere, Ric Flair freaks out. Trip takes over again, getting his spinebuster, but the ref gets distracted by Lance. Tripl H manhandles the ref (that means it’s Lance’s turn next) to get at Lance, but Lance drops back and hot-shots him. Test goes for his Blue Thunder Mountain of Doom Bomb or whatever, but H kicks out at 2. Test starts warming up the band, but H ducks and kicks low. Pedigree attempt, but Lance goes up top. H tosses him off, into Test. Then he beats up the entire city of Calgary for a while, ducks another Boot of Ultimate Destruction so Lance gets hit, and sets up the Pedigree again. Now EVIL BOOGER DEVIL is out to also get hit by H, though this finally disables H’s ducking power so Test kicks him and wins. TRIPLE H ACTUALLY LOST! Taker beats him up for awhile, for those who are interested. Tazzz declares this Big Evil’s yard. They should rename Smackdown so it’s “WEE Big Evil Yard.” I keep waiting for his music to play so he can be declared THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH. After about eighty bajillion chair-shots (including officials holding H for the Undertaker) it does.
Commercials. BABY I’M HOME! Don’t think about the X-Box, or some little guy in tights will kick your ass.
THE UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE, A MAZE OF TWISTED STEEL WHICH CAN RIP AND MANGLE FLESH WITH ITS VERY TOUCH MATCH: will happen…eventually. They’re fighting because Edge won a shampoo commercial Booker wanted, and Angle is Booker’s really close friend. Edge chats with NOT VAL VENIS because the law requires all Canadians who work for the company to appear…TONIGHT! Except Trish, cause no one cares. Kurt claims he doesn’t wear a wig in wacky, wacky comedy. Then he says not nice things about Canadia and Canadianese people. Then Cole calls this a “rubber match” for some reason.
Commercials. SUBWAY LIES! JARED DOES NOT HAVE FRIENDS! EEEEEEEEEE!!
THE HEARTBREAK KID IS DEAD OMG!
KURT MANGLE vs THAT FLESH RIPPIN’ EDGE is still a “rubber match.” Stu Hart is in the crowd, looking…well, as you’d expect. Kurt and Edge with a “we’re evenly matched” exchange before Kurt gets a side-headlock. Edge suplexes out, but Kurt slaps another headlock on. Another suplex and Kurt releases. Kurt goes low and does some brawling. Kurt tries to send Edge face-first into the cage, but Edge counters. Kurt gets hip-tossed into the cage, but Edge misses a Spear and send his shoulder into the steel. Kurt stomps a mudhole in the Edgester, then gets 2 off a float-over verticle suplex. The “Angle sucks” chant is not one of the WWF’s approved Angle chants, fans. Angle with a front facelock to kill some time, but Edge punches out and sends him to the ropes…Edge with an overhead belly to belly! You aren’t climbing out after using Kurt’s move Edge…but he is able to kick Kurt off of his tail and getting a top-rope clothesline. Two count, but Kurt goes into the rolling Germans. He gets all three, but a cover only gets two. Angle heads for the door as Cole goes into his impression of Vince McMahon’s announcing. Edge pulls Kurt away from the door, but Kurt starts throwing Edge face-first into the cage, which is feeling less than forgiving tonight. Kurt sits on Edge and pounds away, leaving Edge seriously bloodied. Kurt works the cut for a while, with pulling and punching. Edge somehow catches Kurt off guard and monkey-flips him into the cage, then Edge-O-Matics him for 2. Edge takes over, giving Kurt a big back-body drop and that face-first slam thing. Kurt ducks an Edge crossbody, and Edge smears blood on the poor ref. Kurt with a suplex almost as impressive as his hairpiece before he starts climbing out, but Edge is right behind him. Wow. Edge goes for a back-suplex off the top rope, but Kurt kinda slips out. Shit. Edge starts out, and Kurt’s neck is apparently not broken as he gets a low-blow on the Funster. ANGLE SLAM OFF THE TOP. Tazz: “That was sick…get a spatula for Edge, he’s done.” Angle climbs out of the cage, with both Edge and the referee unconscious in the cage. Angle escapes, and wins the match if this was any other cage match with like ten referees at ringside, but HULK LIES comes out to give him a slow, old, crappy beating. Hogan tosses Angle into the cage, then opens the door and tosses him into the cage. Um…that made sense, right? Cole: “Hulk Hogan, is screwing Kurt Angle! This match is gonna continue! This match is gonna continue!” I don’t like Hulk.
Commercials. I really don’t like Hulk. And I never did, either. Well, a little, in the 80s, but I liked Macho more, and I turned on Hulk when Macho did. So I was a Hulkamaniac for like two seconds, then realized as Macho got screwed repeatedly that Hulk was a useless, lying, cheating pile of over-tanned crap. Damn it, I was ahead of everyone! I was a smark before it was very uncool!
Oh, ads for GTA3 and Stacker 2 aired in the above block. Shocking, eh?
Back to the match, and Angle immediately gives Edge another Angle Slam! It only gets 2. Oh you are very, very much screwed my Olympic friend. Kurt tries to Spear Edge, but Edge steps aside and Kurt spears the turnbuckle. Edge ANGLE SLAMS ANGLE! IT GETS 2! HEYMAN IS BOOKING! The crowd is into it, and damn it, so am I. Ankle goes for the Angleloclk, but Edge gets on his hands, kinda rolls around, and sends Angle into the cage! ANKLE WITH THE EDGELOCK, er, Edge gets the Anglelocl, but Kurt counters the way he always does. Edge gets tied up in the ropes, so Kurt tries to leave. Hulk now closes the door, cheating further. Now Kurt tries to climb out, but Edge manages to follow him up top. Kurt gets to the outside, hanging off the top, so Hulk opens the door and Edge crotches Angle on it! Now Edge pulls him back in, chucks him off the top to the mat, and perches on the top rope. Kurt charges him, eats a Super Spear, and dies. A WINNER IS EDGE!
Really good match, though Edge looks like a puss who can’t win for himself and Kurt just lost. Aw shit, it ain’t even over, as Hulk comes in and beats Kurt up in the cage. Hogan pantomimes pulling off the wig, but Kurt escapes. Somehow, this triggers Hulk’s music. Kurt: “I hate you!” Cole, as Hogan’s music plays, “What a win for Edge!”
Mixed bag, but no one will read this cause I posted it late.
*cries*
See you next week. Or…in three days. I swear I’ll either have it up Thursday night, or I’ll die trying! Or an unspecified third option.
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