Late as usual. I gotta start watching this show before the weekend. I’m gonna skip all the match detail if it’s all right with you.

By the way, calling in air strikes all the time in Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory makes you an asshole. How much sense does it make that you click a button once, and suddenly a bomber division is right overhead hitting a target with pinpoint accuracy?

I’d better get to the rebeak before someone starts mocking me.

Oh, and it turns out this is my 69th WV SD rebeak. Tee-hee.

Last Week: Things happened involving the usual suspects.

The intro still includes Satan. It also uses extra fuzziness when Sable is doing her sexay thing.

Tonight will pit Vince against Brok, and a Velocity Rematch in Cena/Taker. Why couldn’t the Vengeance Rematch be one of the good matches?

Speaking of Velocity Rematches (Rematch gets capitalized because…I dunno) here’s LATINO HEAT (sans CHAVITO HEAT) to not defend his title in a match with CANADIAN CHRIS BENOIT. I mention his Canadianocity because SD is coming at us from Some City, British Columbia, Canada. Did you know that the national tree of Canada is the maple tree? And that the national number of Canada is “TWO!” It’s true. I couldn’t punctuate that last question properly or it would look like people were asking “TWO?” in a loud and incredulous manner. So anyway…some fan signs: “Eddie stole my car” (next time I go to a taping, I’m bringing an “Eddie stole my lawn” sign) and…here’s a good one: “Where’s My Truck Essay?” I dunno. Is it due this week? Why does Eddie’s license plate say “Boyd?” Another sign: “The Toothfairy Loves Chris Benoit.” Yeah, because he’s missing ONE TOOTH. Hey, his whiny music contains the phrase “one and only” for some reason. Ok…I said I was skipping match detail, that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be wordy. Benoit and Eddie wrestle for awhile (Eddie escapes some nasty chops by calling time-out and then going to the eyes as Tazz confuses British Columbia with just Britain) before THE MAN-BREAST RHYNO and YOSHIHIRO “JERRY FLYNN” TAJIRI each ATTAXOR their various enemies. Now SERGEANT COLON (w/CORPORAL NOBBS) comes out and declares the match a tag match. Tazz says “maggots,” because Sergeant Slaughter used to say “maggots” all the time. And it’s Sergeant Slaughter. I was lying about Colon and Nobby. The best thing about Slaughter’s interruption is that he acts like these guys have been interfering in each other’s matches for months.

Commercials. Splashdown: Shut Your Mouth.

We’re back, and it’s still Eddie and Chris, but now there’s guys on the apron. Tajiri breaks up a pinfall and fans yell the second loneliest number. SO LONELY. Double tag, and Tajiri kicks Rhyno’s head off. He’s a pagoda afire. Sean O’Haire is backstage marking out for the Tarantula, but unfortunately he is not throwing graffiti around and pretending it’s snowing like the WWE’s other big spider fan. I should actually watch Heat some time. Rhyno gets some Canadian heat for using the Sharpshooter. Eddie got tagged in at some point. Tazz: “I think the people in this arena think that Eddie sucks.” Tag to Rhyno. Eddie delivers a shout-out to Canada’s Hispanic population. Eddie chokes Tajiri from the floor, and then pretends he was straightening the ring apron. For some reason, Tazz calls Cole “Edgar Allen Poe.” Tags occur, no one knows who’s legal, and Rhyno powerbombs Tajiri. Tajiri mists him from the mat, and Benoit Germans Rhyno. Eddie sneaks in a frog splash on Tajiri, but gets Crippled by the Crawlspace. I guess that means that his team won.

YUL BRENNER acts out a sketch likely written for the Rock in which he accuses Neo Interview Dude of sexual misdeeds involving midgets and bananas. Then he gets all faggy about how Brok is still his friend and how they’re going to have a heart to heart later.

Commercials. I’m waiting for an American Wedding ad, because I have a joke this week.

Our SWAT of the SWAT is the good Hardy.

MATT PUTS KETCHUP ON ONE FRY AT A TIME AND IS A BETTER COMMENTATOR THAN MICHAEL COLE and I BEAT ZACH, HAHAHA are both to do commentary. Matt calls Cole an ass. ZACH IS WHERE IT’S AT (idiot fan sign) is trying to get a leg-up on the competition! Yuck yuck! But when he wrestles Nunzio of the FOOL BUTTHEAD IDIOTS LOL he may not have a leg to stand on! The ref says Chuck and Johnny have to go job to the Undertaker’s trail of bathroom stench or something…so they leg it backstage. Make that legs it, ahaha! I hate me, but not as much as this match. Nunzio goes for the leg. Zach does some hold or other as Matt plays heel by declaring that Zach has a contract because the WWE wants to sell a sympathetic sideshow act. THE BASTARD! Tazz says something about Shannon, fudge, and banana juice. Nunzio gets 2 off a big clothesline. Jesus, there are fans with signs that just say “2.” Matt says his career has legs. Zach does a moonsault, a leg lariat, and a diving leg bulldog thing. Zach gets his cool neckbreaker, and goes up top again, but Shannon attacks. Zach ends up taking Shannon out, but Nunzio gets a second-rope dropkick out of the distraction. He hooks the leg and gets 3. He has new music, too. Matt’s in the mood for a Twist of Fate.

Commercials. Still no American Wedding ad. Huh.

Catch a sneak peek at the Mullets on September 11. That’s oddly fitting.

FOUL OLE RON interrupts MCMANNEQUIN and I’M SICK OF SABLE in their sexing. Oh great…he’s mad at McMahon for sicking A-Train on Steph. I was really hoping for another Taker/Train feud. INDEEEEEED shows up and uses wacky broken English to tell us Brok is in trouble. Kurt and the FBI are randomly (or are they? DUNH-DUNH-DUNHHHHH) standing around as paramedics tend to Brok’s corpse. Vince pantomimes figuring out some clever plot by Kurtski.

WORD DIE raps about how the Undertaker sucks. He rhymes “amazing” with “patients.” He also talks about his cock. He gets his rematch…NEXT.

Commercials. Kenyans are still fast.

A MILENIA OF MEANESS comes out to footage of A-Train attacking Steph. Theoretically, I can’t complain about a ppv caliber match on free TV…but I’m more of a practicality kind of guy. Taker kills Cena for awhile to start. A legdrop gets “2.” Cena finally sneaks in some punches, but gets clotheslined (from Hell.) Cole says it’s a clothesline “only Big Evil can deliver.” Yeah, no one else is allowed to use clotheslines now. Politics. Taker chases the ref away, and continues punching. Tazz uses the phrase “get outta Dodge” correctly, cementing his position as Cole’s mental superior. More punching. Cena breaks up the Old Skule by hitting Taker in the knee. I guess this means the Undertaker really likes him…he let him escape one of wrestling’s most devastating moves. Cena stomps a few times, but Taker ignores him and elbows him down. Cole: “Undertaker…just taking his time…no hurry for the Undertaker.” Some kinda slam or other. Ok, here’s Old Skule. It gets “2.” Taker just kinda lays on Cena as the commentators talk up his submission skill. There’s a punch. Cena rolls out of the ring, and Taker eventually wanders after him. Tazz: “No reason to rush…take your time with it.” This is ridiculous. Taker picks Cena up, and slaps him. The ref finally starts counting. Taker drags Cena over to a camera, and says “Who do you respect now?” Sweet Jesus…he must be jobbing. I guess A-Train is gonna run in. I hope it’s soon. Taker rolls back in to stop the count, lays there smirking for a good two or three seconds, and rolls back out. Cosmically lazy. He’s making Big Show look like Misterio tonight. Now…he rolls Cena back in. Tazz and Cole talk about the Mounties. Taker puts Cena on the top turnbuckle, then punches him. Cole: “What an uppercut by the Undertaker!” I feel bad for the commentators, I really do. Taker sets up a superplex, and does it. He’d better get hazard pay for that. Oh crap…he rolls out of the ring and does his goofy “I’m in pain” scream while holding his ribs. So…even if no one runs in, if Cena wins it’s because Taker HURT HIMSELF.

Commercials. Jeepers Creepers 2!? Jeepers.

Creepers.

We’re back, and Cena is on offense (no, really) attacking Taker’s ribs. Back in the ring, and a cover gets “2.” I hate that whole “2” thing. Ya heard? Cena…punches some more. Tazz says this has been a battle. Taker flees, Cena kinda hops at him, and Taker catches him and posts him. Tazz says not breathing will freak your brain out. Back in the ring…“2.” Tazz and Cole get pissy at each other…they’re both just really annoyed. Cena gets the Throwback for “2.” Taker takers over with punches. Big stinky lazy boot. An elbow drop gets 2, but the fans actually seemed to buy into the elbow and failed to comment on the count. Taker goes for Snake-Eyes, then misses the big boot and gets pinebustered. It’s like if Kevin Nash were a zombie. Cena tries to punch, but Taker wraps his legs around him and throws some comically-bad punches of his own. Check it out, Dr. Quinn has an IQ of 260…40 points shy of Sailor Merc. I should totally continue watching Sealab and ignoring Smackdown. Tazz says “Undertaker was in the guard” like this is some fake UFC shit. The F is for fake. Get the F out. Taker clotheslines Cena as Cole and Tazz act amazed. Last Ride coming…Cena squeaks out. The Taker shoves Cena into the ref, then chokeslams him. Cena, not the ref. Cena is down for about twenty minutes but there’s no ref…and there’s YES A-TRAIN, YOU ARE THE A-TRAIN. He attacks. Taker fights both him AND Cena off for a few seconds, but Albert eventually gets him from behind and gives him a ribbreaker. Albert puts Cena on-top and the ref recovers, and counts to 2. Taker spits a bunch of “blood” (you nasty Taker) and tries for the Tombstone, but Cena escapes…F-U’s him…and wins. I bet you anything Taker gets backstage credit for putting Cena over. Cena’s non punch/kicks moves over the course of that epic: a spinebuster and his finisher. He did approximately as well as Double A did in that one Wrestlemania run-in.

Commercials. For pot.

Moments ago, the Undertaker selflessly put a young superstar over completely clean.

HICKS are here. Last week they were involved in hilarious sex. I guess they’re good guys now, because Jamie is facing A BASHAM (w/THE OTHER BASHAM and SHENAYNAY) with their kinky sexual sexings. Tazz starts talking about sticking things in horses. Fighting occurs. Tazz talks about seven-way medieval sex. Then he starts talking about monkeys and midgets. A “2” occurs. This match I’m barely watching has been all Basham. “2.” Jamie gets a dragon whip. Basham gets some crucifix type of thing. Remember when Benoit and Sheniqua were making Scott Keith jealous? What happened to that? Jamie gets a back suplex. A schoolboy (named Gregory) gets “2,” twice. That’s 4. “4.” Jamie gets a top-rope elbow, but the other Basham distracts the ref. The first Basham goes for some suplex, but Jamie cradles him for 3. Shenequa attacks Nidia. Tazz: “That’s the Ball and Gag right there!” ASSINATOR makes the save. Great. Cole: “Strange bedfellows.”

Interview dude pesters Kurt some more.

Commercials. Who’s that guy with long hair and a cowboy motif selling me some money book? They seem familiar.

Next week: The Kidman/Misterio break up may finally happen.

Speak of the once vaguely devil-themed guy: EL REY (w/CHAD and GRANDPA but not Kidman this week) is gonna do epic battle with IVORY (w/EBONY.) This outta be good. I should rebeak it. Kidman is apparently on his honeymoon. Sheldon distracts Rey so Haas can take him out. Chuck tosses Rey around a lot. Haas does a bearhug, but Rey fights out…only to try for some fancy thing that gets countered into a “high backbreaker.” Basically, Charlie had him in crucifix position and then just jumped down to his knees…kinda like that Albert move I can never describe right. Rey drop toe-holds Charlie into the buckles, then goes up top. Haas attacks him while he’s getting set, but misses a Stinger Splash. Rey does running-aroundy moves, and gets “2.” There’s a springboard crossbody for “2.” More stuff happens, and Rey sets up 619 (with bonus flippity thing.) He misses the West Coast Pop though, and Charlie slaps on the Haas of Pain. That’s enough to make Rey tap…which is nice…because that move looks freakin’ brutal and nobody ever sells it but midgets.

Hey…the steel cage has theme music!

Commercials. For things.

Our Wrestlemania Recollection is the Million Dollar Bodyslam thing with Andre and Studd. They show the bit where Andre tosses like two singles out to the crowd before Heenan pinches the money bag.

Cole calls Brok a “Manster” again. Earlier tonight, things transpired. Brok walks around. So does Kurt…but he walks outside of Vince’s office! DUNH DUNH DUNHHHHHH (again.)

Commercials. Meh, they’re not gonna do an American Wedding commercial, are they? I was gonna call it “American Pie 3: Pie Darkman Pie.”

Our Lug of the Night is Big Show, being lugged about by Brok and Kurt.

The steel cage’s music continues to play until TRIPLE I enters. Next out is DON’T CROSS THE BOSS APPLESAUCE and finally HERE COMES THE CONCUSSION VICTIM. Cole wonders if this is a deadly trap. Lock-up, and Brok shoves Vince off. Cole finally admits Brok should easily win. He (Brok) tosses Vince aside again. There’s a ducked clothesline, a kick, and Brok goes for the F-5…only to pass out. He’s supposed to have a concussion from the attack earlier. Vince and Kurt act all concerned, and then Vince covers Brok. Kurt refuses to count and tries to call for help from the back. Vince slaps him, so Ankle Anglelocks him. Brok then gets up…and ATTAXORS KURT! F-5, and Brok and Vince exchange an evil smile. HEEL. Brok throws Kurt into the cage a bunch. Vince brings the title belt in and tells Brok it’s all his. Brok nails Kurt with the belt, then screams all evilly. I gots no gripes with this…heel Brok kicks face Brok’s sorry ass. Tazz says “Manster.” Et tu, Tazz? Evil Brok does his happy baby smile.

Final thoughts: Turns out Michael Cole can’t be unlocked in SD:JBI (I know you guys were wondering) but lil’ bro made a perfectly passable CAW. We gave him Jerry Lynn’s moveset, and then he and Tazz won the tag titles so they can do commentary about how they’re the greatest tag team in history.

The final Trigun is on. That Knives dude is fucked up, I tells ya.