All right, I’m as shocked as you are to learn I’ll be busy tomorrow night, so you get a really prompt, hastily assembled Smackdown rebeak. Consider any extra inaccuracies a bonus!
CRIPPLE H LOL!! comes out, all extra-slow from his injuries (not really.) He will be burying LANCE HAS A MIC? Lance wants to be serious for a minute. He calls Triple H a “barbaric, blood-thirsty animal” for some reason. Then he runs into the ring to get high-kneed. Trip limps around after the move, making him look all stoopid. Lance comes back with a jawbreaker, and then hot-shots him. Trip comes back with a facebuster (which, for some reason, does not hurt his knee) and some choking. Lance with a dropkick, then sends him into the corner for some technical elbows. Lance does his nifty little dancing stomp, then does more chocking, punching, and etc. Looks like a forehead wound from Judgement Day has been opened up on the Game. Top-rope clothesline gets Lance 2. He follows up with…more punching. Dancing stomp. Trip finally H’s Up, gets a neckbreaker and a spinebuster, then eats a superkick. If that’s Lance’s finisher, it needs a name. Maybe the…Moose Jaw Kick or something. Anyway, as if to PROVE ME WRONG, Lance applies the old Canadian Maple Leaf. Trip makes the ropes, meaning Lance blew both of his finishers. Then Lance goes up top, and that big cheater Triple H shoves referee Mike “Foreign Object” Chioda into the ropes to down Lance. Pedigree ends it.
Here’s Christian, and Kurt Angle from the neck down. After some testicular humor, Christian fails to lift Kurt’s spirits when he suggests the “You Suck” chant will be replaced by “You’re Bald.” Christian leaves (presumably to make Mark Henry-related bets) as Kurt continues to keep his head out of shot. If you want to see Kurt bald, you’re gonna have to stay tuned! Bald heads = big ratings! Your main event will be Kurt and Deacon Batista vs Maven and…um…Albert?
Commercials. I just don’t have enough melanin to watch UPN.
Here’s Test, looking in a mirror. Probably waiting for Gary Spivey. Now Stacey Kiebler is here to do more of her awful sexual innuendo. She tells Test he’s been assigned to kill Randy Orton. Then they make out. Now Test is an Immune Corporate Gun!
Stop chanting “You suck,” it’s “you’re bald” now! Aren’t you people listening! He refuses to come out at first, because they’re barely chanting. Here comes HAIR CLUB FOR MEN MEMBER KURT ANGLE. He’s wearing an obvious wig, secured by amateur wrestling headgear. He says stuff about how fast his hair grows, blah blah, but here’s THAT FUN LOVIN…UH…MAVEN. Maven brags about his huge eyebrows. I can’t believe they let him talk instead of letting Al Snow do it. Maven says he should take off that “Elton John lookin’ rug.” Um…what? Kurt says, “Do I know you? Do you work here or something?” Kurt pulls Maven’s punk card, which is cool. Then he beats the crap out of him, which would be cooler if Maven didn’t actually get a dropkick in. Angle suplexes him back to MTV, but then THAT FUN LOVIN’ EDGE comes out to attack and try to pull of the wig. Then THAT FUN HATIN’ CHRISTIAN is out to rob us of our rightful ritual humiliation of Olympic champions. I wanna see that Canadian skating couple get their heads shaved.
Commercial. The E Midget reminds us that we live in a culture where advanced audio-visual technology is marketed towards people whose ancestors once saved their pennies to ogle midgets at traveling freak shows.
Stacey treats our announcers to a table dance for no particular reason. There goes Tazz’z zipper. Here comes CORPORATE TEFLON DOUBTING TEST. Stacey dressed in orange and black, just for Tazzzzzz. JUNIOR COWBOY is out to make Stacey dizzy with lust. Test offers Orton a handshake, and you know where that goes. Test uses his shiny-pants powers to dominate early, and goes into “bullying the ref” mode after tossing Randolph. Randy comes in with dropkicks and crap, but it isn’t long before Test gets a pumphandle slam. He pulls the kid up at 2 ˝. The Big Boot misses though, as Test crotches himself. Randy pumps the ropes, Southern Style (ew,) then goes up top. He fights Test off, gets a high crossbody, but Test rolls through for 2. Test goes for another pumphandle (he forgot he can also do the Blue Thunderbomb or whatever,) but Randy rolls him up. Then Test kicks out at 2 after about thirty more roll-ups before hitting the Overdrive or whatever Reno called it for the huge, HUGE win.
Later tonight, Hulk Hogan will end his legendary career. I hope.
Commercials. WEE Confidential is on it’s way! This week: Shawn Michaels. Next week: “Playboy” Buddy Rose. Also, the Scooby Doo movie is coming for your soul.
Oh joy, how I’ve longed to see SUPREME WEE CHAMPION BOOGER RED. He calls himself “Big Evil!” Way to go Tazz! The interviewer has a death wish, so he asks for Undertaker’s response to footage of RVD pinning him for 3 on RAW. Actually, he wants Taker’s response to a lengthy red-tinted montage of events from RAW. “The match never ended, so the match continued.” He then talks about the death of Hulkamania briefly, but I got used to tuning out the Taker so…
Here’s REEKO, all torn-up inside about the tag title situation and the PANTY PALZ. Hugz not drugz.
Y2J has a match tonight, but he’s too hurt to fight. He goes to FFAARROOQQ for protection, but instead gets called “Sweet Britches” by Mark Henry.
Commercials. HUNGRY MAN IS BACK! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
Iron Chef USA is coming…for those who care. But first, here’s “VERY HAIRY” EDGE and “BUSHY EYEBROWED” MAVEN vs “MAY WEAR THE SHIRT BECAUSE OF BODY HAIR” CHRISTIAN and HAHA KURT IS OF DA BALDIES!! YES! Christian gets the full entrance! Edge tries to sucker Christian into entering early, but it ain’t happenin’. Kurt opens by brawling with Edge, who takes over with a spin kick thingie early. Edge almost gets the wig off, so Kurt tags in Christian. Edge beats on his little bro for awhile, but then feels bad and tags in Maven. Maven gets an offensive move so shocking, we cut to FEMINIST STRIPPER TORRIE WILSON and TRISH CUMULONIMBUS. Christian and Kurt do some double-teaming, and Kurt eventually gets tagged-in outright. Maven with a blatant low-blow, and Tazz is ashamed to have taught him. Edge gets the tag and whoops everyone for a while, almost pinning Christian with the Edge-o-matic. Edge tags in Maven, then eats an Angleslam! Maven prevents a cover, goes up top for the big dropkick, but Angle pulls Christian into it! Angle breaks up the ensuing cover. Christian pounds on Maven a bit, but eats a huge spear! Angle and Edge go outside as Christian sets up an Unprettier on Maven, but Maven rolls him up for 3. Damn, does the Unprettier EVER work?
Commercials. Wow…Taco Bell’s new fried burrito thing weighs more than some fat black dude! AWESOME!
DOSE DAMN DEACONS are out to new soul music. Actually, it’s just D-CON DUDLEY (who is not introduced) vs VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER MAN. D-Con thinks Rikishi’s outfight is disgusting, and tells him to “get the Hell…I mean the heck” our of the ring. Rikishi attacks early because he’s a godless heathen. D-Con with an interesting low-blow before begging off. RIKISHO is out, soon to be followed by THE PANTY PALZ. Riskishi is a bit distracted, and goes down when Batista grabs his leg during a slam or something. Samoan Superkick sets up D-Con for some kinda gorilla press into Diamond Cutter move. This sets D-Con up for an unholy stinkface, but Riko breaks this up by revealing his true loyalties. PANTY PALZ 4 LIFE! D-Con gets the cheap win, and Riko pretends to console Rikishi while secretly giving Billy and Chuck a thumbs-up. That clever Riko…he knows Rikishi doesn’t watch Smackdown, see.
Commercials. Rumor has it there’s a sequel to Grand Theft Auto 2. You heard it here first.
ROCK! CHAVITO is watching Eddie take out Stone Cold on RAW, but is interrupted by MR. MILD MANNERED. The important thing to remember about all of this is that it ends with Tazz yelling “BEEF JERKY!?!?”
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH says that there were no winners or losers at Judgement Day, just survivors. But he was the survivor. Apparently Jericho died. Now Lance Storm comes out to distract He Of The Many Hs so Test can take his head off for no particular reason.
Commercials. GTA3 is to Smackdown as Shaq Pack is to Heat, so I guess I got lucky.
LETTUCE HEAD vs LATINO WARMTH. Chavo has Eddie’s kick-ass WCW theme too. He opens with a shove on the champ. Hurricane with a snap mare, posing, etc. NICE backdrop by Chavo. Latino Uppercut in the corner, then a less-dramatic version of the Shattered Dreams. Chavo dropkicks Hurricane when he’s tied up in the corner…I love that. That gets a near 3, as does a standing dropkick. Tazz and Cole are talking about Hogan, choosing (to my disappointment) to focus on Andre rather than Orndorff. Hurricane comes back with some heroic clotheslines. Chavo with a nice…something. Tazz: “He landed high and tight!” Hurricane goes for the chokeslam twice, with Chavo countering each time before falling prey to the “Overcast,” which I think was a Buff Blockbuster but I half-missed.
Stacey chats with VINCE MCSATAN, who is giddy about Hulk’s retirement. You and me both, brother. Dude. Big man. Oh wait, Y2J interrupts to complain about being fed to Mark Henry less than a week after Hell in the Cell. McMahon uses psychology to make Jericho cocky, but he doesn’t know why Henry called him “sweet britches.”
Commercials. Grand Theft Auto 3 is in there, don’t you worry.
”SEXUAL PREDATOR” MARK HENRY vs SWEET BRITCHES. Henry beats up Jericho for awhile, but misses some fat guy moves (splashes.) Tazz: “I just though of somethin’, but look at this!” Poor Tazz and his attention deficit disorder. DAMN! Henry just about killed Jericho there, draping Jericho across the bottom rope, doing a running splash and sliding outside over Jericho. Geez. Jericho is bleeding like nuts here as Henry sends him into the steps and stuff. Jericho gets like no offense. Mark tosses Jericho in, then tosses in some chairs. The ref fights Henry for a chair, allowing Jericho to use the other chair to smash Henry across the back. Quick pin, and Jericho goes home to consider less flashy ring attire.
Commercials. “I think my partner is a rat! I can’t believe I’ve committed bestiality!
We are back. HULK LIES comes out to “retire.” He thanks the fans, talks about his dead father, and does some lackluster posing. His voice cracks with emotion, or perhaps just overuse. Then VINCE MCSATAN comes out in case anyone is fooled, and says Hulk can’t retire because Vince owns his soul and wants to make more money off of him. Hulk beats up Vince. Yay. BOOGER RED BIG EVIL DEVIL comes out and “puts the heavy leather” to Hogan. Gross. Then Hulk fights back just enough to make his music play. Vince yells “Hulkamania will die on my terms!” Cole says “but not tonight!” Hulkamania not dying tonight was one of Vince’s terms, goof.
When Hulk finally does retire, we’re probably all gonna be too jaded to buy into it. Ditto Ric Flair, though at least there was once a time when I’d have cared about that.
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