CC: I wasn’t going to say anything, but since you dissed the concept of Smackdown rebeaking: there is a difference between “quotation marks” and (parenthesis.)

Pre-show: I get to see the last minute or so of last week, and can rest assured Mr. America eventually had to choose between losing by countout and helping the crip or getting back in the ring and ditching his buddy, and he chose to get back in the ring. It’s a good thing he’s so old and slow and got counted out anyway. Wow…I just said it’s good that Hogan is old and slow.

Smackdown’s new urban theme is in effect. It’s effectual.

I don’t normally introduce our hosts, but here’s SHOELACE and WETFACE. Ah, and the Wetface joke is well-timed as ROSE KENNEDY is out. Sable: “Now I ask you, what would Smackdown be, without me?” I dunno, good? I wonder how many other recappers made that exact same joke. Anyway, she thinks, to herself, out loud. Sable never really wrestled, so she’s announcing our match participants instead. TAZZ LUVS ME is announced as being from “Loserville” and weighing “way too much.” OHOHOHO! Sable then introduces TOMATOR (w/I SHOULD NEVER HAVE KILLED UNDERTAKER’S DOG.) Sable says Nidia needs to learn about fashion or something. Please don’t tell me her new character is that she’s a wit. Our match begins with Noble on the apron, yelling at Tazz for some reason. Torrie attacks him, Nidia rolls her up…and gets 2. Damn them, taunting us with the possibility of a mercifully quick match. Nidia and Torrie proceed to have their standard match, complete with Nidia doing a few moves pretty well (suplex, some submission or other) while being unable to punch or kick respectably. Torrie hurts her knee, Nidia hesitates, then attacks on orders from the evil Jamie. The girls roll around a lot. They roll over the ref in a spot they generally save for the big payperviews. The ref jumps up on the turnbuckles and raises his fists in triumph. Then Jamie gets on the apron AGAIN and this time he attacks Torrie. Nidia’s second roll-up off an apron distraction gets 3. So horrible. Now Tazz takes off his headset, goes up behind Noble, and SLAMS his face into the apron! Awesome. Nidia grabs Tazz, he makes to hit her, sees it’s a woman, and begs off. Torrie rips off Nidia’s Daisy Dukes so we get to see her panties. She is not wearing a thong, but she is also not a Holly so “Granny Panties” is not squealed incessantly. Now Sable throws a bucket of water at Tazz. Torrie chases Sable away with an open bottle of water. Did they not write a show this week, and just taped a house show or something?

THE GENIUS WHO MADE WRESTLING arrives with SOME CHAUFFER. Vince chews the guy out for not opening the door. The guy is either mumbling or isn’t micced right. He wants to move the limo, because he “parked in a handicapped sign.” Vince, “I don’t give a damn if you’re parked in front of a handicapped zone, I’M VINCE MCMAHON!” Does this mean he’s evil or retarded?

Commercials. This week’s America’s Next Top Model will be the official hospital episode. Every elimination show has one.

TAX CHEAT (Steph) does a hilarious skit in which she doesn’t want to help test the lie detector machine because she’s a big tax cheat. Cole says if they want to see if that lie detector works, they should ask Tazz if he likes Sable. That makes sense, because…

Last week, goofy Mexican cheating. This week, another rematch. THE ANGLEOIDS wander around backstage, mentioning Kurt’s return next week. EDDIE GUERREMOE and YOSHIRO GUERREMOE counter with an incredibly creepy sketch in which Tajiri spouts some Guerrero catchphrases he apparently learned by rote memory. “We rie, we cheat, we stealEEEEEESSE!!!” Oh, and he stole a car.

Commercials. The Italian Job teaches us an important message: stealing millions from strangers is ok, but don’t rip-off your friends. Also, Clearasil will get you hot young studs. Somebody tell JR/Rico/Golddust/whoever is funnier there.

TEAM SUCK and LOVEABLE ETHNIC CRIMINALS are ready to rip it up. Eddie and Tajiri ride to the ring in a low-rider. Eddie does crazy shit with the shocks. He must have dropped off 100 passengers in Taxi Cab Missions. Tazz confuses Cole and myself with some cattle/Cadillac joke. Team Angle kills the joy with ROOFLES REGRESSION!! Eddie fights back, and we end up with Eddie fighting Haas. Backdrop by Charlie. Who tosses Eddie outside. Sheldon stomps away on the floor. BOO! Sheldon rolls Eddie in for some forearmage. Tag to Sheldon, who throws some knees. Sheldon went to the University of Minnesota. I’ll try not to claim he’s related to the Andersons…not that my bizarre conception of the family doesn’t already include multiple ethnic groups. Eddie escapes and tags in Tajiri for kickery. Tajiri escapes a shinbreaker attempt with a hurricanrana. Tajiri has been watching Becky the Farmer’s Daughter matches, cause he goes with that weird rolling move…thing. Hell, I dunno. Tazz calls it the “Egg Roll.” Why not? If some Jap does a move whose name you don’t know, substitute Chinese food names. Works for me. Dropkick to the chest by Tajiri. He throws some elbow before getting a side-headlock. Sheldon tries to backdrop him, but Tajiri flips out and gets to his feet. Both guys goes with a big kick at the exact same instant. DOUBLE KO! This seems like a good time for a break.

Commercials. Smoking mothers don’t have a higher risk of low birth weight, their babies do. Stupid truth chick.

We’re back, with Tajiri attacking Charlie. Charlie catches Tajiri’s kick…then Sheldon superkicks the leg Tajiri was standing on. Haas immediately slaps on a submission move. I dig on Team Angle’s style of hurting a part and working over it as a team, but the part they hurt never figures into the finish of their matches! [/smark mode.] Charlie works over the knee some more, pausing briefly so the fans can tell him he sucks. Charlie with a nasty kneebreaker (which is, apparently, a shinbreaker where you aim for the knee,) then tagging in Sheldon for a double-axehandle across the knee. Sheldon does a submission on the knee. Tag to Charlie, who puts on another submission hold. Eddie attacks, and Team Angle switch without a tag. HAHA, the ref figures it out and yells at them. Tajiri sneaks away, so Charlie drops an elbow on him when he’s an inch or so from the tag. I love that. Charlie with a kind of sort of Indian Deathlock. Tag to Sheldon, who springboards in on the leg which Charlie is holding. Sheldon goes for a kneebreaker, and Tajiri ranas out again! For some reason that only works on Sheldon. Tajiri leaps for the tag and makes it! Double tag, actually. Eddie knocks Haas down as he springboards in, then quickly gives him a back suplex. Sheldon whips Eddie into the corner, but then charges into nothing and gets monkey-flipped into Haas. Double-clothesline by Eddie, who then tosses Sheldon. Haas kicks him and goes for a verticle suplex, but Eddie flips out and gives Haas all three rolling verticles! Eddie is overcome by froginess, even kicking Sheldon off as he tries to break it up! Frog Splash connects, but Sheldon breaks up the pin. Eddie attacks Sheldon, who goes into this leapfrogging sequence with Haas that ends with that move that needs a name. Where Haas goes for a double-leg takedown as Sheldon superkicks, then Haas flips forward in a bridging pin. If only Tajiri did it, I could just call it the General Tso’s Chicken. Anyway, it gets…two! Tajiri breaks up the fall…I totally thought that was the finish. Team Angle toss Tajiri and double-team Eddie, but he punches them both off. They try for a double Alabamaslam (!?!?) but Eddie turns it into a double DDT. Eddie tags Tajiri, who sells the knee injury briefly (uh-oh) before kicking with the good leg. Tajiri with a punching-kicking combo. Haas grabs the leg, so Tajiri enzoogweerees him. Tajiri goes for the Tornado DDT…Haas turns it into a Northern Light’s Suplex! Eddie breaks up the count at 2.9999. Sheldon gets in the ring and charges, but Eddie backdrops him out. Haas tries something and eats a kick from Tajiri. Eddie goes up top…and does a crossbody to Sheldon on the outside! Tajiri sets up the IMPTHOKK…Haas ducks, and chop blocks him! Haas of Pain applied…Tazz is calling for the submission…and the bell rings. Haas raises his arms in victory…but the ref pulls them down? The ref says he never called for the bell…now as the ref is talking to the timekeeper, Eddie comes into the ring with a tag belt. Haas ducks the belt-shot and tries to grab the belt. Tug-of-war…Eddie spontaneously lets go and Haas goes flying backwards. Eddie now plays dead just as the ref turns around…the ref sees Haas with the belt and Eddie down, and he calls for a DQ! HAHAHA. I love this angle, despite it ignoring all conventions of refs not calling a DQ unless they saw what happened. A replay confirms that it was Eddie who rang the bell…making me wonder why the timekeeper didn’t mention that when chatting with the ref. Oh well, still a fun match.

NEO INTERVIEW DUDE talks to DADDY LONGLEG in the crowd. Zack bought himself a ticket this week. He payed for it through this job he has that lets him travel around the country following the Smackdown brand…ie already being under contract. I’ll cut the guy some slack since it was his first “live” promo, but Interview Dude sounded more natural, and he got his job because they had to give him something after he won Tough Enough (if I’m thinking of the right guy.)

Commercials. NJSA and the new “Kinda Looks Like Tiger Woods” Subway Asshole rob a bank or something.

Now it’s time for our main event in the middle of the show, though at least they’re paying lip service to the idea that Brock is the star by putting his segments at the end. I GOT MY LIMO DRIVER A TICKET HEEEEEEL comes out with some STIFF SUITS who are going to administer this lie detector test. Vince welcomes us to Smackdown (because the show doesn’t start until he does a promo, and everything that had happened so far was whatever the first hour of those old three hour Nitros was. Fluff, I guess.) Vince spots ZACK MCKRAKEN in the crowd and says “You and Mr. America won’t have a leg to stand on!” OH VINCE YOU ARE A CAUTION! Who am I kidding, I would have resorted to that joke eventually. After about twenty years of chatter WHEN IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIDE comes out looking as sad as a roided-up senior citizen in a goofy mask can look. And it really is Hogan…the obvious out for Mr. America, which is putting someone else under the mask as they teased a few weeks ago, is completely ignored. Vince babbles on as Hogan is strapped in and the boring, Ben Steinian administrator starts asking questions like “Are you Mr. America?” and “Are you in a wrestling ring in (wherever)” to get a cheap crowd pop and establish that the machine is hooked up right. Vince gets impatient and demands he ask THE question. The guy asks. Hogan stalls. Lots of shots of him starting to speak, then stopping, then looking at Crips in the crowd, etc. He asks for water. They get him water. Vince asks the question. Hogan stalls. Lots of shots of etc, etc, etc. When the tension has built enough to justify all this hoohah, Hogan finally says “No” and the machine beeps in agreement. Vince flips out, and makes the guy ask again. Hogan says “No,” the machine agrees, and Vince starts yelling “You’re Hogan, Hogan, HoganHoganHogan!” Hogan yells “No, no, nonononono” and gets rapid beeps of agreement from this machine. I…don’t think that’s how they really work. Anyway, to make a long segment longer, Vince refuses to cut his losses and decides that he’s going to prove anyone can pass one of these tests by taking it himself. What can he possibly hope to accomplish? Mr. America takes over the question-asking duties in short order, but instead of asking about steroid distribution, Montreal, or even that story about Jimmy Snuka killing someone and Vince covering it up, Hogan asks him stuff like “are you the biggest bleephole in the world dude?” and something along the lines of “are you a warty filthy stinky smelly hooech-ptooey pervert brother?” Vince answers no, and of course the machine buzzes in protest at his lie. As Hogan is asking Vince, I shit you not, if he spends most of his time whacking off to Torrie Wilson’s Playboy spread (um…would masturbating to pictures of an attractive naked woman really make the man a pervert?) my UPN drops signal. Maybe somebody in their control booth has taste or something. Oh wait, the signal is back. Who knows what hilarity I missed. By the time I’m able to watch again, Vince finally gets a positive beep when he says he only cares about himself and hates Hogan. Hour three of this segment ends with Vince swinging at Hogan, who blocks and decks him. And leaves. THANK GOD.

Commercials. From bad to worse: UPN is airing a “Mixed-up Martin” marathon this weekend where you can see all the different incredibly distinct characters Martin Lawrence played on Martin. Except the white guy, who actually was different from his usual schtick.

LOS MCMAHONS further their storyline (the really important one) and develop their respective characters as Vince yells at Steph and she listens to him yelling. But she sneaks in some snappy comments (saying “ding” when he says she was responsible for hiring the detectives, etc) and Vince threatens to replace her. Not in so many words. He said things were gonna change for the better and I can’t think what else he’d mean. Oh, and he mumbles “smartass” without getting bleeped.

I can only vaguely hear ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF I’M A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE’s music, but I kinda like it. Wandering aimlessly behind him (and, technically w/ him) is DEWARS. Dewars is a cheap Scotch. Just consider yourself lucky that when giving O’Haire a name, I couldn’t think of a way to reference the biblical torment of Job without peopling thinking I was talking about jobbing. Anyway, Piper looks really odd under the raver dark lights in O’Haire’s entrance. And here’s SATAN STOLE MY TEETH. This oughta be interesting. Circling, a lock-up, and O’Haire powers him into the corner. The ref calls for a clean break, but Satan don’t play that. O’Haire with punches and nasty-looking kicks. Benoit ducks some goofy kick and gets the Dragon Screw. Choppery ensues. O’Haire kicks his way back, for “TWO!” O’Haire with, as Tazz puts it, “a simple ground and pound.” Rear-naked choke/neck vice/something. Like you really care. O’Haire misses a jumping spin kick and gets DDTed. Both men up…O’Haire telegraphs a backdrop, so Benoit kicks him to set up a release German for “TWO.” Benoit with a twisting neckbreaker. Benoit takes O’Haire down with a back elbow, only to get grabbed by Piper. Benoit chases him outside of the ring, chases him back into the ring, and…ducks another O’Haire kick. Benoit punches Sean down and stuffs Piper in the Crawlspace. Dummy. O’Haire with a devastating kick to the general vicinity of the back of Benoit’s head. He holds the tights for 3…not that Benoit acted like he was trying to kick-out. A replay from a particularly unfriendly angle shows O’Haire kicking Benoit in-between the shoulders.

Commercials. Maxim…a perfectly good word ruined by that magazine/hair dye.

Here’s a replay of last week’s Misterious groin injury. And here’s EL REY (w/CHAD and GRANDPA) talking to Cole and Tazz from backstage. Big Show fails to grab his throat from off-camera. But THE GOOD HARDY comes in and makes fun of him. “Next week, you will know the meaning of the pain known as Mattitude.” Rey shoves him, so Matt kicks him right in the nuts. Damn he rules.

Here’s a video package on the returning Kurt. They don’t shell out for any U2 music. Unless they wrote this song. I don’t know. Bald Kurt holds a bald baby. This is a pretty good package, actually. You’d think he was gonna be a face. Oh…and the song is by some sucky WWE band. I know you were worried.

Commercials. Hardees $6 burger kicks you in the groin.

Here’s an Ultimo Dragon preview piece. Anybody know who this guy is?

(Note to people who didn’t read the WV-15 but are reading this…all two of you: I know who Ultimo Dragon is.)

The dream team of I HATE YOUR SKINNY ASS and I HATE YOUR FAT ASS share Kish’s music, because he’s such a big star. Kendrick is announced as “Spanky,” so I guess we’re supposed to forget that he was ever known as anything else. They will be facing THE SUPER BASHAM BROTHERS. I don’t know who they are, but they have music that includes someone saying “Basham,” I think, so they must be on their way to stardom. Tazz mentions Joey Numbers for the first time in at least a few months. Rikishi wastes no time making one Basham look like a jobber by tossing him, then the other brother tries for a sunset flip but escapes in time (YOU WEREN’T EVEN LEGAL!!) and Rikishi has to be satisfied with clotheslining the legal Basham. Tag to Spanky, who does the flying burrito and a jumping kick thingie and eventually gets tripped up by one Basham and legdropped by the other. The take over and double-team Kendrick in the corner. That’s the first clubberin’ I’ve seen on Smackdown in a while. This is boring. Shout-out to Freddie Blassie. Kendrick does some fancy kick, then tags in Rikishi so he can beat everyone in human history up. Samoan drop. Avalanche. Double-Stinkface. Welcome to the WWE, Doug and Danny. Cole says it right after I type it. Tag to Spanky, who tries for a monkey flip on one Basham, but the other holds his brother, resulting in a cover. The illegal Basham then shoves his foot up the other Basham’s ass to give him leverage, and the Basham’s pull off a “huge upset.” I try not to smark out in these rebeaks…but why in God’s name are they booking tag matches in which never-really-was Rikishi crushes everyone and sells nothing, and then the young and potentially viable half of his team jobs anyway? At least you can argue Taker is still a star, but why protect Rikishi?

GET OFF MY TV yells at his limo driver who may or may not be named RUFUS though I thought I heard “George C” and I don’t know. The limo is hoisted up on a tow truck because it was parked illegally all evening. Vince tells his chauffer to tell the tow truck driver to take him to the airport, and then gets in his limo. Then HE GOTS LEG knocks on his door and says “didn’t you know it’s illegal to park in a handicapped zone?” which somehow infuriates McMahon, but he can’t do anything because the limo is moving…and the kid is waving and trying to smile smugly, and…was I really expecting one of his personally scripted sketches to make any kind of logical sense?

Commercials. Stacker 2 w/Bubba. I think the FBI was formed only to try and seduce Stacker 2 into making a new ad.

Speaking of which, our Burn of the Night is the FBI giving Taker a storyline excuse for some vacation time.

BROKERTAKER are friends to the end, but they get separate entrances. Fan sign: “UNDER TAKER RULE!” The first rule of Under Taker: you don’t talk about Under Taker. Also, “Big Evil Dead Mans Yard” and a sign that seems to indicate Dead Man Inc was established in 1888. Tazz calls them “a big time explosive unit.” UGH! And here come FUNCTIONALLY BRAINDEAD IDIOTS. That’s my effort at a sign-worthy name. Nunzio is gonna be out due to injury, and will be replaced by PAUL WHITEOLINI. And…let’s take a break, because no one will tune out after that announcement.

Commercials. A local car dealership supports our troops. They were on the fence for a while there.

This week on Confidential, the true story of the steroid trials (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

And now, the match. Palumbo starts with Taker. He wins for a little while, but Taker goes aerial with his jumping clothesline thing. OOOOOOOLD SKULE!! Vintage Undertaker, in that the move looks stupid and makes no sense but no one is allowed to counter it. Tag to Brok, who beats up Palumbo, but Chucky P eventually backs Brok into the greasy evil corner. Tag to Stomboli, as we build up the anticipation for that HUGE moment that will blow the roof off the joint when Show is tagged in. Brok slaps Johnny around and tags Taker, who beats him up and is boring and not liked by me. Taker misses an elbow, so a big deal is made of his elbow surgery. Taker with a DDT, so Cole shrieks “Undertaker is so fluid!” Tag to Show, and Show wants Brok. I guess this crowd pop may be legit. Since when did Taker tag in someone else when he wants a piece of Show for throwing him off a cliff way back when? Big Show gets a big clothesline. Chest-slapping ensues. There’s a headbutt. Will we see a bearhug? Not yet, as we get a slam first. A laughably leisurely legdrop misses. Brok comes back. Bull breaks up an F-5 but gets Hollywoodslam2000ed. Show with a chokeslam, but Taker breaks up the fall. Why didn’t he break up the move? Italians triple-team on the outside, so Taker gets mad. The ref stops him anyway. Back in the ring, and Show tags in Stomboli. Stomboli stomps Brok, who is in the Italian corner and therefore being triple-teamed in spirit. Tag to Palumbo, and they do a nice spot where Stomboli trips Brok up and Palumbo Mafia Kicks him right in the temple. Not of Doom or anything though. Brok ends up outside, where “The Giant” (nice one Cole) rams him into the post. Taker gets mad again, even lifting the steps, but the ref again holds him back. Geez, Taker has been back for a week, and he already has the World’s Champ playing face in peril for him. This is like Edge/Hogan. Someone calls Nunzio a hyena. Guess who? Palumbo gives Brok the bird, then gives him a discus punch. Tag to Johnny, and evil makes a wish. We get a double-clothesline somehow, and a race for the tag. Tag to Show and Taker, with Taker killing both Show and Palumbo. Now Johnny eats some undead anger. Snake-Eyes for the Bull, big boot for the Bull, Chucky clotheslines out, but Big Show finally gets to hit a move. Show tries for a slam…Taker counters with TAKER CARE OF BUSINESS!! Waspie would be marking out if he’d ever read a Smackdownbeak. Well, one of mine. Nunzio nails Taker from behind with a chairshot, which Taker COMPLETELY no-sells. He doesn’t even do an annoyed expression. Palumbo with the Mafia-Kick to Taker…who tags Brok as he goes out. F-5 for Palumbo. The Bull attacks and is F-5ed. Show comes in…and gets the chokeslam on Brok…FOR 3!?!?!? They’re setting up another month of Brok/Show? Good God they’re stupid.

My tape ran out again. I gotta look into that. Who knows how much awesome angry/smug staring I missed.

Final thoughts: This show was like last weeks, but the stuff without Vince’s fingerprints wasn’t as good. Next week, we’ll see if Kurt’s neck is strong enough to take some of the load off his team, Eddie, and Tajiri, because they were the only thing that didn’t harsh suck this week. Even Sean/Benoit was kinda…blah. Maybe I should switch to rebeaking G-Gundam.