No intro this week, cuz intros help the terrorists.
Last week, Triple H asked if everything Vince says is complete bullsoundofahorn.
It’s WEE SMACKDOWN! Our only announced match is a swimsuit competition between Stacey and Torrie. So…it’s gonna be one of those shows, eh?
Here comes WWEHHH.COM. I wish it was WHEE.com. He sprays water and looks tough. Tazzz says that Hell in the Cell will be a “straight-up fight, a straight-up war, a straight-up battle.” Then he says it “picks apart your body, which picks apart your future, which picks apart your career.” The threesomes ain’t workin’, Tazzz. Triple H starts singin’ that Chumbawumba song about getting knocked down, and getting up again, and drinking a lot or whatever. He offers Chris Jericho a trip to Hell. He eventually gets around to calling out Chris Jericho, but gets the wrong Canook goof as THAT FUN LOVIN’ EDGE comes out, comes into the ring, grabs a microphone, and asks Triple H why he got hit with a sledgehammer last week! The fans ask that burning question, “What?” EDGE SAID "CRAP" KING!!! Edge says he’s been feeling like he wants to play the Game. That sounds so gross. Triple H is everything he says he is, but he never said he was a good guy (since they don’t sell T-shirts.) Triple H calls Edge “Jack,” and that’s enough start Edge punchin’! But before that can go anywhere, MR. SHINY PANTS and PLZ SAY “U SUK” KTHX come out and attack. Kurt spears Edge and cuts off a little of his hair. Then he and Chris leave. Triple H and Edge look pissed…but will they be able to work together in the match they haven’t announced yet?
Commercials. If we like Lita in this Stacker 2 ad, we should see her in the ring! You know, after she recovers from breaking her neck shooting a TV show. I just hope she doesn’t break her boobs watching TV or something. In other news, this Spiderman: The Game ad shows you giving the Green Goblin a bunch of rabbit punches, and that’s cool.
The Undertaker will bring ultimate darkness to Judgment Day. I’d better take a nap first.
Here’s a replay of what happened a minute ago. I have no joke here.
Vince oogles Stacey, then Jericho and Kurt rush in to hilarious effect. They’re so excited, and Stacey looks so happy…it’s really heartwarming! Vince sets up a tag match for tonight, with Team Evil vs Team Not Evil. Kurt says “Goodbye” to Stacey, which was somehow funny.
LANCE DOES NOT SUCK (who seems to have been booed during his intro even though we are in Canadia, which makes me a tad suspicious of the sound crew’s integrity) and BOB “MY FIRST NAME IS HARDCORE” HOLLY vs WAS ONCE VAL VENIS and JUNIOR COWBOY. Holly dropkicks Orton to death early, but then Orton shows him up with his own dropkick. Double tag, and Valboski clotheslines Lance a bunch of time before back-body tossing him. Then Holly comes in and gets taken out. Val tags in Orton, who almost gets 3 on Lance with a top rope crossbody. Orton does some weird tripping-slam I’ve never seen before, and Holly breaks up the fall. Then Lance hits some karate kick thingie, goes for an “arrogant cover,” and gets rolled up for 3! Where does he get off being cocky anyway, he hit like one move in that match...
We are now treated to a replay of Undertaker dragging Hogan behind his bike. Then he runs him over in a semi, sets him on fire so he breaths his last, and gets Earthquake to sit on his snake. Ew…
Now we get Hogan limping around. What an actor.
Our Slam of the Week is Torrie “shedding the embarrassment” by stripping.
WOW, HERE’S A COINCIDENCE! Torrie is wandering around backstage! Maven hits on her, and he’s already ahead of Test as he scores a date! Torrie must be drunk or something. Then D-Con and Deacon show up and yell (well, D-Con does) before Al Snow shows up to set up the tag match of the decade.
SHO FUNAKI!? Mild-mannered reporter Gregory Helms has a few questions for the EVIL~! one, like, “hey, are you EVIL~!!?” Sho actually speaks (OMG) and says “What’s wrong with you?” He does not say “INDEED,” nor does he say “Whatever happened to Chibi-Funaki?”
An interview with Chris Jericho reveals that he is a bad person who wants to hurt Triple H. What a jerk!
Commercials. These mediocre video game graphics are ACTUAL FOOTAGE from some game! ACTUAL FOOTAGE! Ain’t gonna be havin’ no virtual footage up in this hood yo! Here’s a local car place with a college basketball themed commercial, brand new, and only two months late. Thought you'd wanna know. If you're ever buying a car in the Williamsburg area, don't buy from these guys whose names I've already forgotten, they can't even do EXTREME MARCH until May.
D-CON DUDLEY (w/DEACON NON-DUDLEY) vs I GOT A DATE WITH TORRIE (w/YOU CAN CALL ME AL.) D-Con tells us we’re sinners and we gotta give him money, but Maven attacks. Cole talks about someone named “Brother Deacon.” Maven goes for a bunch of roll-ups cause he’s a loser. Batista distracts the ref to set up a low-blow, and the “Saving Grace,” which is…something. The Tough Enuff Twinz try to double-team D-Con cause they’re sore losers, but Deacon Batista KILLS them. They’re dead now. Dead in HELL.
Now Stacey Kiebler is wandering around in her robe. But then a pop-up ad with the “EEEEEEEEEEEEE” Midget in it pops up and yells “EEEEEEEEEEEEE” and probably sells billions of shitty webcamcorders. It took me half a second to decide I fucking hate that commercial, product, and midget.
Commercials. WWE. Get the “F” out, then set the logo on fire.
TAZZZ is in the ring to yell his hot new catchphrase, “JUST ANOTHER RECTUM!” What a great joke I thought up there…BUTWAIT it’s actually the swimsuit competition and I’m actually a big joke thief. STACEY “MIDGET TEASE” KIEBLER comes out, followed by “FEMINIST STRIPPER” TORRIE WILSON. This is my favorite swimsuit competition ever, cause Tazz doesn’t make eight-billion shitty sex jokes in a hickish accent. In a shocking, shocking turn of events, “THE MARVELOUS BLUE-BLAZING AIN’T HE GREAT WILDMAN” TAJIRI YOSHIHIRO comes in to cover up Torrie, yelling that we shouldn’t look at his property and that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and that OWEN 3:16 sez he just broke yer neck. Michael Cole acts like Tajiri just beat twenty kittens to death with a sledgehammer. Now Stacey refuses to show off her bikini because she’s evil. Now the new WEE Women’s Champion TRISH 2 SHOWS (A NIGHT) STRATUS is out to prance around in her underwear. For some reason this pisses off Torrie, who attacks and gets tossed out of the ring. Tazz declares Trish the winner of the 2-Woman Royal Rumble.
Commercials. Taco Bell’s new stuffed fried burrito whatever is so big, it will tip your car over. I know! Why not eat something so heavy it kills automotive suspensions!
Our Clearasil Smack of the Night was Trish winning the WEE’s Women’s Title, which was odd since Trish was already on tonight and shouldn’t be in the next segment.
Vince is chatting about theology with the D-Con Boyz. Ah…Stacey wants a match with Trish. Vince sets it up for Judgement Day and hires the Reverend D-Von Protection Agency. Jokes about prophylactics ensue. Vince keeps talking over the “Theme From Panty Palz.”
There’s a “Rico Your Gorgeous” sign in the crowd to greet REEKO (w/THE PANTY PALZ) vs STONE COLD KILLER. Rikishi throws Rico around a lot, the Palz cheat using Panty Power, Rico kicks, Rikishi takes over, etc. Eventually, Rikishi overpowers Panty Power double-teaming, but Rico nails a spinkick! Rikishi kicks out at two, Rico sunset-flips him (WHY!?) and for the first time ever, the sunset flipper forgets to roll away and gets squashed for 3. Now Rikishi is gonna groove out at the entryway…I knew that groove was in his heart.
After the Hell in the Cell match was announced for Judgement Day, two Mothers prayed for their sons’ souls. Which is unusual because Mrs. Helmsley and Mrs. Jericho are normally GODLESS HEATHENS.
Commercials. Whoa! There’s a Grand Theft Auto 3 now!
Vince is putting the moves on Stacey in his Sexatorium when the Panty Pals interrupt. Vince is so angry about the last match for no reason that he announces Panty Pals vs Rikishi and a Mystery Jobber (HAKU HAKU HAKU) at Judgement Day.
Some Guy interviews Triple H, who talks about killing the careers of guys like Mick Foley (and that guy who screwed up his coffee order last week.) Then Edge comes in and says “I don’t like you.” Then Triple H sticks his tongue out. Well, for all intents and purposes that’s what happened. Can they put their differences aside and fight as a team for love and justice?
Commercials. Smoking makes your breath kill girls.
“THE MARVELOUS BLUE-BLAZING AIN’T HE GREAT WILDMAN” TAJIRI YOSHIHIRO defends his WEE Cruiserweight Title against “ALL GROWN UP” WILLIAM KIDMAN and LETTUCE-HEAD. Lettuce-Head is, unsurprisingly, really over in Canada for his recurring role on Kids In The Hall. Hurricane tries to separate the already fighting Yoshi and Kidman, but Yoshi kicks him as it quickly turns into a good guy doubleteam of Tajiri. Hurricane eventually sets up a chokeslam on Kidman, but eats a Tajiri kick. Hurricane goes up top, but gets knocked off by Kidman hurricane DDTing Tajiri. Shooting Star Press, but Hurricane pulls him off the cover. Then more stuff happens as I type (damn it) and Hurricane chokeslams Tajiri for 3! Our new champion is Hurricane…but what evil force will start stalking the champion…oh…next week or so?
We get a recap of the Judgement Day card. Taker is called “Deadman Inc,” but not “Big Evil.” Also, RVD wants back at his IC Title, apparently. Wonder what it did to him?
Commercials. DIE EEEEE MIDGET DIE. Also, Resident Evil invites you to “live the nightmare.” You know, that doesn’t sound like something I want to do…
ADRIAN ADONIS 2002 is out to be old. “V-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y making his way to ring…” The song does end eventually Hulk. Unless you want to switch tracks to “Red House,” maybe “Little Wing” or something, you better stop limping dramatically and start stinking it up on the mic. OMG GENERIC SMARK. After 3 minutes, the music stops. I timed it. Hulk gets “emotional.” He stalls for time while looking for a huge teleprompter. He drops the mic. I hope he leans against the ropes some more. Now he picks up the mic, and starts acting sad. Is the mic not working? He’d better job after all this. He hulks up, so he can interview. After seven minutes and twenty seconds, he starts talking. Yeah, I timed it, he killed seven minutes. “OK, ok.” Nice opener. This would be the best time ever for a countdown to Jericho. Anyway, he tells the fans they overwhelm him. He was just gonna be here till Mania, but thanks to the “crazy damn maniacs” he can’t go home. Damn, damn maniacs. Now he says more crap, mostly “thanks.” He hopes he never wakes up to reality again, cuz “reality sucks.” He references 9-11 (I hope Paul Heyman comes out with 911 to chokeslam him about 80 bajillion times.) FINALLY EVIL VINCE comes out and says “this is only a two hour show!” Actually, he says “Hulkamania sucks.” Wow…workin’ hard for that heel heat. Vince talks about Undertaker dragging Hogan behind his motorcycle, but does not mention that whole Rock/Semi incident. You don’t drag bags of roadkill behind your motorcycle either. Vince says something about how Hogan is an empty shadow, and sets up a Hell in the Shell Of Your Former Self match or something. He yells “CANCER” cause he’s all class. Fans chanting “goodbye” for some reason. Vince…has little trouble twisting that against them. Vince calls himself “Dr. Frankenstein,” and now they HAVE to bring out Paul and 911! Vince says something about how he loves to destroy. Vince then calls him a coward, says his mother sews socks that smell, and finally gets around to slapping him. Hulk SHOCKINGLY beats up Vince McMahon, and even more shockingly, rips off his shirt and drops the leg. That interview was so long, it allowed Hulk to completely heal from his injuries and lose the limp!
Commercials. “I think my partner’s a rat! We gotta shut him up!” Maybe his partner is the EEEE Midget! Maybe his partner is a giant rat dying from the poison in cigarettes! Maybe he should have asked her if she was a rat before marrying her!
In this Judgement Day ad, JR yells “2 on 1 in a handicap match, that ain’t right!” What do you want, 3 on 1?
KURT JERICHO vs HUNTER EDGE HELMSLEY. “Lion Heart” Chris Jericho must fight the urge to lean against the railing and let female “plants” rub his chest. Edge is stupid, so he attacks before the Game enters. Then there’s a brief discussion of who has to get milk for tea. In my house, not on the show. By the time that’s settled, Triple H and Edge have done their first “reluctant tag” as Trip fights Jericho. Chris tags out to Angle, who Trip levels with a clothesline. Trip tags in Edge so he can do his spin-kick thingie to Kurt. Edge goes up top, but Chris slows him down and allows Angle to get a superduper bellytobelly superplex. Trip prevents the three, but Kurt tags out. Chris does stuff, then tags in Kurt. I am shocked to see Edge being the good guy in trouble as Trip waits for the tag. Kurt with another overhead release bellytobelly before tagging in Jericho. Edge rolls clear of the Lionsault, and they are RACING for the tag by crawling very slowly. Kurt gets the tag, and stomps Edge. Jericho tagged in immediately, and goes for rolling verticle suplexes? Hmm…well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Benoit do that, but I’m sure Jericho stole that from him anyway. Hey, why the Canadian brothas gotta fight anyway? We gotta stop this Canadian on Canadian violence if Canadians are ever gonna have equal rights in America. I mean, do we even have any Canadian congressmen? Oops, Trip got the tag, and is killing everyone by spinebustering them and making them elbow each other. Triple H sets up the Pedigree on Jericho, but Angle breaks it up. Heelish doubleteam, but the recovered Edge comes in with a double top-rope clothesline. He catches a Jericho dropkick, monkeyflips Chris out of the ring, and counters an attempted Angleslam into what Tazzz callz the “half-nelson face slam” but I call the “crazyslam” on Angle. Jericho is back in instantly with a chair, so Edge spears spears him and gets Angleslammed (nobody is sellin’ nothin’ tonight!) Helmsley gets bored, so he comes in an Pedigrees Kurt, but Jericho breaks up the 3 count….I’m losing it here. Trips and Chris end up outside, where Chris sends Trip into the post before Trip squashes Chris and the ref against the barricade. They battle outside as Edge and Kurt both come back to life at the same time. Edge hits Angle with an overhead bellytobelly of his own, but goes for the Spear at exactly the wrong time and eats a chair. Angleslam ends it, and the Canadian crowd is unhappy because they are RACISTS. He holds up that clump of Edge’s hair that he snuggles at night, then drops it on Edge as we go out…
And…here’s the intro again. Interesting…
Well, look me up next week. I know that y o u ’ l l b e b a c k . . . .
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