We open with a montage of various past Mania playings of the Star-Spangled Banner, on account of us being at war and all. Haha, some sailor gets to do the Wonder Twins fist thing with Hurricane. Hello Sailor.

Here’s a black and white effort to make last week’s screwjob seem important. They show Brok spinning several times so it looks like he spun around fifteen or so times. That part is in color. Then they do some weird discolored version where Eric Angle has tangerine booties. This is positively goofy.

I just noticed that the Rock is still prominently featured in Smackdown’s intro. Dirty liars.

We are in FREEDOM Hall in Louisville KY, which should be FREEDOMville since Louis is French. France sucks. You can think whatever you want about the American inVasion of Iraq, but we should all be able to agree that France sucks.

TEAM FREEDOM are out…no, it’s CHUCKY (w/BENJI) vs DEATH2FAGGZORS (w/CHRIS BENOIT FREEDOM.) Rhyno immediately attacks, with shock and awe. Aww. It’s cute when he tosses Chuck, then starts swinging a tag title belt around like a freak. Back in the ring, and Chuck reverses a whip. Sheldon pulls down the ropes so Rhyno will fall out of the ring. Benoit chases Sheldon, then turns to Haas so Sheldon can give Rhyno a Jungle Kick. Was that racist? Maybe if I added “Bunny.” Anyway, Benoit stands around looking really frustrated. I think Cole just said Benoit tried to “will” Rhyno into the ring. Charlie goes to work on the leg. The fans chant for Rhyno. Charlie does his evil-ass leg submission, whatever it’s called. Let’s go with “Modified Dork-O-Matic.” Sheldon tries to cheat, so Benoit cuts him off to cheers. Haha, they opened the show with this patriotic sap-fest, then bring out the evil cheating guys in all-American tights so the fans can cheer the French-Canadian outside the ring. Rhyno eventually escapes something or other with a backdrop. “You can see Rhyno feeding off the fans.” CANNIBAL! Clotheslines galore. Back bodydrop. Rhyno scores with a belly2belly. SCORE! SCORE! He sets up for the gore, but Sheldon trips him. Benoit attacks him, but Sheldon drives him into the apron. Sheldon now rolls in, and holds Rhyno so Haas can give him a belt-shot in plain view of the ref for the BLATANT DQ. These endings always make me wonder why they bothered to have a match up until this point. Benoit runs in to save, vaguely trying and failing to cross Sheldon’s face.

Bob Costas, who is Vince’s best friend ever, compares McMahon/Hulk to the Senior’s Golf Tour. Undertaker is not mentioned.

Commercials. I too fail to see how Rayman’s apparently superhuman urinating skills are going to sell a video game. Also, those Truth assholes trick kids into thinking they’re gonna get ice cream. I mean, that just ain’t right.

Our Foot Locker of the week is Hardy and Kendrick. That blows, I was told the kid was dressed as a penguin.

DOMINANT FEMALE OMG dresses down DANNY DEVITO. But then she offers him an opportunity. If (when) he beats Shannon Moore, he gets a contract. He curtsies. Tazz attempts to rekindle the “MFer” joke.

GOLDEN STATE WARRIOR raps. He’s taking over hip-hop, and the wrestling ring. Payback’s a bleep.

UP IN SMOKE have another exciting adventure, this time at a golf course. After playing the Adult Swim music for some reason, they threaten some White people, who then proposition them. They cheat, then the Adult Music plays some more. Then they steal people’s watches. This was funnier than the Oblongs, anyway.

Turns out FBI stands for “Full-Blooded Italians.” Stay tuned for more revelations.

Commercials. Flex-Ems. Yeah. You’ve gotta love those wrestling dolls where everyone has Scott Steiner’s body.

Tazz thinks Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee would make a good tag team. Brandon Lee could feud with Undertaker BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH DEAD.

STILL SMOKIN’ sure are big fan favorites. Yup. They will be teaming with DECEPTIVELY STOCKY RIKISHI. I made a funny! Their opponents are FRITOS BRING INUITS. Chuck and Johnny have matching shiny black panties. Well, except for the ass. Eddie gets the tilt-a-whirl. Tazz thinks Rikishi is Irish. Well…he is an islander. Chavo gets a sit-out powerbomb on Nunzio. He then chucks Nunzio into Johnny. Chuck comes in. He does stuff. Tazz: “Mama Mama mamee!” Michael Cole declares himself a gangster. No, seriously, he just spontaneously says he’s “Michael ‘the Gangster’ Cole” for no reason whatsoever. Cole makes fun of Stomboli for having his name on his tights. COLE HAS BEEN LOOKING AT JOHNNY’S ASS! Of course I noticed it earlier, but still. At least I didn’t declare myself a “Gangster.” Tazz says “Dirty Sanchez.” What the Hell is going on this week? Eddie gets a hot tag, since stuff was happening I ignored, and Cole declares him “fiery and feisty.” I guess that beats being a jackal with little wasted motion. Tazz says, of Rikishi, “Call him ‘Big Hands.’” I think. All the Italians get squished. Chuck gets the stinkface, and he probably liked it. Wait, no he doesn’t. He doesn’t get the stinkface for some reason. Screw retyping that bit. Eddie is feeling froggy, so he SURRENDERS. Haha, I am so funny. Stupid France. Eddie goes for the frog splash, and wins. That’s too bad, because I was gonna say “the FBI won’t stop until somebody DIES.”

Hogan looks kind of somber. He really hates coming in to work once every other week.

Commercials. Bleh.

More hype for McMahon/Hogan. I can’t make fun of how weird Heenan sounds because he had throat cancer or something. Damn it.

R-E-I (w/CHAD and GRANDPA) is wearing tights that say 619, with the 6 and 9 especially big. Yuck. I guess he’s trying to freak me out so I’ll quit making Sailor Mars “jokes.” JAMIE “GARIBALDI” NOBLE (w/NOT IN PLAYBOY) gets made fun of by Cole, which prompts Tazz to talk about the economy. “Times are tough, he’s Noble, he drives taxis, I dunno.” Noble lands on his feet after Rey does some flippy thing. He gets hurricanranaed anyway. Rey tries for something fancy, but Noble powerbombs him into the buckles, then gets a nasty-looking backdrop. He chucks Rey so Nidia can hurt herself clotheslining Rey. Rey back in the ring, covered for 2. Noble…goes for the Gory Special? Rey escapes, and somebody screws up the tornado DDT. Tazz makes fun of Cole. Rey gets a crossbody. Noble charges into a boot, but still manages to catch Rey with a powerslam. Tazz talks about Noble’s quick hips, much to my and Cole’s disgust. I’m sorry if I’m talking about the commentary too much, but they’re being really wacky tonight. Rey gets a dragoncanrana (if that’s a real move.) Nidia grabs Rey from the apron and tries to pull off his mask! Good God, we may finally get to see his face! I’ve been wondering what he looks like for years! Rey fights her off, but only after blindly chokeslamming RVD. Rey with a pescada, pescado…something Hispanic on Nidia. Noble dropkicks Rey through the ropes. He then puts Rey on the apron…and tries for the White Trash Compactor! Rey escapes, gets Noble in the ropes, and gives him the Mars Flame Sniper, Sniper Arrow, whatever that move she does like twice in Stars is called. Then he does that other move. And wins. I wanted to see Noble Compact him off the apron to the floor…that would have been sick.

KURT ANGLE talks to OMG THERE ARE TWO KURT ANGLES!!! It’s Eric, duh. Cole says, “They look like twins!” It is important that he say that, since they really don’t look all that much alike.

Commercials. Wrestlemania will feature a special appearance by the Miller Lite Catfight Girls. OH DUDE I AM SO THERE!

THE WONDER TWINZ are out. Cole: “I can’t get over this…I cannot get over how much Kurt Angle and his brother look alike!” Jesus, it’s a good thing Eric has that cast, or we’d never be able to tell them apart. Cole declares their plan from last week “Machiavellian.” Please. They’re so similar in appearance, it’s Kafkaesque. If I hadn’t abandoned my former Cartesian sensibilities, I might question my own perception of their verisimilitude. Dumbass. Angle loves his brother, “unlike you people here in Kentucky love your family members either you sickos!” Hahaha, I love Kurt. Eric, not so much. Eric gets to talk, briefly, and tells us Kurt does not suck. His Momma said so. Kurt gets the mic back, and talks about Brok. “You’re not the next big thing, you’re the next big sore loser! Yeah, that’s right! You can’t beat me, so you take your anger out on my brother Eric? Oh that’s real nice you big loser!” I think wrestlers should refer to other wrestlers solely as “loser.” “I’m the champion, and you’re not.” He’s so awesome. I wonder if Hulk understands that Kurt is a big ol’ parody of him. FAKE BOOBIES comes out. She says if Kurt pulls any HEEL TRIX at Mania, he loses the title. “Broken freakin’ neck.” Kurt says he isn’t going anywhere until Brok apologizes. HERE COMES THE PAIN IN THE BREAST. Brok attacks…so Kurt pushes Eric into the path of rage. Eric is just like the Jerichoholic Ninja. Brok stares at Kurt (who slid out of the ring) until Eric gives him (Brok) a crotch-shot from behind. Kurt now comes in, and Angle Slams Brok onto Eric’s crutch. Kurt does some hold or other, driving his knee into Brok’s ribs. Kurt’s music fails to play, because they don’t want a “You Suck” chant.

Commercials. I do not get Bernie Mack. Or John Leguisamo…Legui…the Pest. I don't get him as an action badass. Nevermind.

Moments ago, stuff happened.

LAZYTAKER OH HO HO HO is not with Nathan Jones this week, and I think we all know why. Jones wouldn’t fit in the sidecar. BLOTTO DEMOTTO AH HA HA HA (PLZ KILL ME) is gonna job so bad. Taker knocks Demott down, then does some goofy-ass dance. Stuff happens. Taker pretends he can do submission moves. GOD FORBID WE NOT SEE NATHAN JONES THIS WEEK is shown watching on a monitor in the back. Demott gets some offense, but he stops to smell his hand. I shit you not. Big Evil takes over, with bigness and evilness. “Vintage Taker.” Hahahaha. Now Cole gets even dumber and says, “I think Taker’s in the best shape of his life.” Demott counters a chokeslam with a suplex…huh. Then he gets chokeslammed anyway. Some fan is holding their sign upside down. That’s always funny. Oh, Taker won. Tombstone, not Last Ride, like you care.

Apparently, the Hogan/McMahon contract signing is next. Goody.

Commercials. It’s a good thing the new Edge doll has Edge pants, because otherwise there’d be no way to distinguish him from Jericho/HHHHHH. Oh man…this ad where a Rock doll and a Jericho doll pose is the gayest thing ever. No wonder they don’t use their real voices. “I didn’t have to check my guns at the door.” “Have I got something on my back?” “Oops, dropped the soap.”

HERE COMES THE PAIN IN THE RIBS acts like a big baby when SOME MEDICAL DUDE checks his ribs.

GRACIOUSLY INCLUDED IN MATT’S BOOK (w/PUBLISHED AUTHOR) is out for our viewing pleasure. Is the pixellation in Matt’s intro new, or am I retarded? I guess all of the above and none of the above apply too. The book is called “The Hardy Boyz,” and the cover features “Matt Hardy and the other guy.” Tazz claims it’s orange to match his hanky. *PENGUIN NOISES* comes out, without music. Tazz claims to love Kendrick’s music, making me laugh in spite of myself. I accidentally typed “Hendrick’s” at first. I gots Jimi on the brain. Kendrick has panties with a little star on his ass. Kendrick does some amateur stuff. He jumps on Shannon’s shoulders, so Shannon electric chairs him. Kendrick…lands on his knees…then completely no-sells and rolls Shannon up. I thought he was trained by Shawn Michaels…not the Undertaker! Zing! Shannon kicks out. Kendrick ducks a clothesline and lands on his feet after an armdrag, but eventually Shannon gets sick of it and levels him with a clothesline. A pair of suplexes gets 2. I love seeing someone acting like an underdog against Shannon Moore. Tazz says the Hardy Boyz’ book reveals “the secrets of banana juice.” Good God…they just got gayer! “The banana juice-drinking of Shannon and Matt.” Kendrick escapes a bow-and-arrow and does some chops. Sliced-Bread #2, I think. He gets a missile dropkick for 2. He whips Shannon into the ropes and dropkicks, but Shannon grabbed the ropes. Kendrick…gets up and does some fancy kick anyway. Shannon with a kind-of-sort-of F-5. An F-2 and a half, let’s say. Kendrick escapes from a charge by ducking outside…so Matt drops him face-first on the Adamantium steps. Matt rolls him in, and Shannon covers for 2. Matt cheats some more, so RAYE-RAYE comes out to attack Matt on Kendrick’s behalf. Chad is SOOO jealous. This distracts Shannon enough for Kendrick to totally steal the Acid Dog from poor Spike Dudley. He goes for an overdramatic cover that pretty much pulls Shannon’s shoulders off the mat, but wins anyway. Rey’s music plays. They pose together. Are they gonna make me call him Chad or what? Ew…close-ups reveal that Kendrick is really excited if you know what I mean.

Hey…they said they were gonna do that contract signing now! I mean, I’m not complaining.

Commercials. The Miller Lite Catfight girls talk about how they’re going to Wrestlemania…and it devolves into a catfight! My goodness! You know, I didn’t even think that that commercial was all that successful. In other news, some scouting company is holding an open call this week. Apparently, their clients have appeared in films like Legally Blonde 2, which I wasn’t aware existed.

UPN Update: Apparently, a few days ago, we were at war.

Our Wrestlemania Moment of the week is…Mr. T getting a screwjob win over Piper in a boxing match. Anderson vs Badd was better, cause Arn got a bucket stuck on his head. Oddly enough, his pants were up.

The Wrestlemania card gets run down. Well, reviewed, anyway.

More Mania hype. Steph looks like a ho with all that eyeshadow.

MISTAR MCMAHON and A LAWYER WHO ISN’T DAWN MARIE act evil.

Commercials. This Vice City commercial does neat camera stuff that you totally can’t do while actually playing the game.

Our Lugs What’s Next Sitting Shoes of the Week is Steph talking to the Angleoids.

HIS MUSIC IS STILL WHINY (w/WHYNO HAHAHA) will attempt to wrestle MECHAANGLEKUN-B (w/ MECHAANGLEKUN-A) but will probably fail since the Angles have made it clear they’re all about DQs and beatdowns. Whyno would have been funnier if set up somehow. “I hear Rhyno has been hitting the bottle recently…” or something. I have wasted what could have been the shittiest Just Joe tidbit ever. Worse than Crush Holly, even. So…Benoit just beats the piss out of Sheldon with whips to corners and suplexes and short clotheslines and stuff. Hass yells, “Fight fight fight!” Sheldon considers this plan, then gives it a try. He does…Sliced Bread #1 or something, then gets a wicked back-suplex. Right on the neck. Then he just flat-out chokes Chris. A rear-chinlock makes Scott Keith cry. Benoit escapes from something and stuffs Sheldon into the Crawlspace. Sheldon rolls out in a way I’ve never seen that seems far more plausible than most counters. Sheldon catches one of Benoit’s feet, so Chris does a sort of one-legged dropkick. It was not an enzoogweeree, sez I. Now Benjamin tries his fancy kick, but his feet aren’t educated enough as Chris catches one foot, ducks the follow-up spinning-aroundy kick and gets the Crossface again. Charlie tries to interfere, so Rhyno gores him. Then Sheldon taps. So…Haas escapes with a DQ, but Sheldon taps? RACISM. This is more racist than that “Jungle Bunny Kick” joke I was gonna make but chickened out of. But I just made it now. Oh shit.

More hype for Vince vs Hulk. A state governor shills for them. Guess who? That’s right! It’s *insert comical non-Venutra governor name here. Jeb Bush, maybe.*

Commercials. Tenchu, Wrath of Heaven, ranked #1 ninja game by shemales.

THAT LIMP BIZKIT DIPSHIT talks.

ROOTIE TOOTIE GENE IS FRUITY comes out to give this contract-signing a “historic” feel. Nothing against Gene, but if a WWF announcer from the 80’s had to lose their voice and I got to pick, Heenan would still be making fun of them dirty Mexicans. Anyway, Gene talks some and then I WILL NEVER GO AWAY comes out. Sofa may have gotten to see Hurricane beat Rock, but I got to see Brok eat Hogan. Which would be considered better anywhere (where?) else. But this is Weekly Visitor damn it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Maybe, some day, Smackdown and RAW will merge and Hurricane will beat Hogan. Sorry…I gotta type something to keep myself busy during the Hogan love-fest. The he expands it by saying, “Hold it Mean Gene, these Hulkamaniacs are unbelievable!” Edge has/had nothing on Hogan’s up-sucking. Hogan says “ass,” since he’s all cool now. Then he says “ass” some more. I’M THE BOSS, APPLESAUCE is on the Smackdowntron, telling people backstage to watch what’s coming closely as he heads for the entryway. I smell treachery…and sure enough, he comes out of the crowd and chairs Hogan from behind. IS IT LIVE OR IS IT MEMOREX CHECK YOUR PAGER 3:16. Then Vince says “twenty years” like twenty times. Hogan sells it like HBK sold that shot from Jericho, doing the “shake around goofily and try to get up” thing. Hogan eventually does get up, and eats another chairshot. Well, that could have been worse. OH NO, VINCE HAS A PEN! He ruthlessly breaks a bunch of fake blood capsules, then makes Hulk sign in his own fake blood. Fake blood…you scare me like the real thing…and if you were the real thing…you’d scare me more…so pour it on…like it’s the real thing yeah…fake blood…etc. Screw the Miller Lite Catfight girls, I want Sifl n’ Olly at Wrestlemania.

What, that was the end of the show?

Final thoughts: I’m glad Cole and Tazz were hopped up on goofballs, because that would have sucked otherwise. And apparently, Cold Stone is coming to Smackdown after Mania. I hate wrestling. And life. And you.

Final final thoughts: I’m wracked with guilt over last week’s big swerve. SPOILERS!!! Domon, Moon, and Joey won, respectively.