OK, this will be another rushed suckjob, cuz I’m tired. Also, since Shootarz is going away and I was only temporary help, this may be my FAREWELL SUCKJOB.
JOKE I FORGOT TO USE LAST WEEK: Rikishi is going to get his groove on! If he chooses the wrong groove, he may just LOSE.
We open with VINCE’S SEX-E-TARY LOLOLOL1!!1! delivering a stunning treastice on women in the workpla…actually, she just introduces Vince. WWEEEEEEE CO-OWNER VINCE comes out to ogle her briefly before talking about Triple H. Vince lays down some demands. First, Triple H can’t come within ten feet of him. Also, he has to do everything Vince says with a smile on his face (so if Vince doesn’t smile, H doesn’t have to do it.) Somehow, I doubt this will go over well with Gamey. Sure enough, here comes that bottled-water wasting scum, THE SHAME. After the long-ass intro, H gets a mic and talks some smack. Whoa…he’s within ten feet, and he’s really bad with judging distances. Triple H asks, “Are you gonna destroy me, or is everything that comes out of your mouth complete bullbleep?” Well, those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. Anyway, Trips hits on Stacey, who is too stupid to act repulsed for Vince’s sake. He says Vince is lying when he claims erectile dysfunction is a common problem (as Triple H seems to think no one but Vince is old or whatever.) Anyway, Vince gets all mad and acts like they’re gonna fight, but then he jumps out of the ring and sicks CHRISTIAAAAAAN, MR. IMMUNITY, BOB “MY FIRST NAME IS HARDCORE” HOLLY, D-CON DUDLEY, and LANCE DOES NOT SUCK. They do their best impression of the Foot Clan, but eventually overwhelm Trips. Then MR. SHINY PANTS CHRIS JERICHO comes in with a chair. He has Vince goons hold HHHHHHHH so he can taunt him, and H briefly breaks free. Then the numbers take over again. Jericho flattens H with a chairshot and applies the Walls. Triple H is not Steve Austin. I don’t know if that means anything, but it is true. Now Vince is back in to say dumb stuff like “You’re going to Hell!” and “I dislike your various odors!” before announcing a Triple H/Jericho Hell in the Cell match for Judgement Day.
Commercials. Some midget is touring the country terrifying people with an air-horn just so he can get some wacky e-videos. If you see him…shoot to kill. Midgets aren’t like us…they have no souls.
Hell in the Cell will be contested under “Rocket Buster” rules. TYE-JIRI (w/Torrie-chan) vs LETTUCE HEAD. Some half-assed making fun of the World Wildlife Fund occurs. Yoshi kicks, Hurricane flies, mounted punches countered, more kicking. Tajiri puts Hurricane in the Tree of Woe, and gets a dropkick to the face (something I never saw Kevin Sullivan do anyway.) Tajiri sets up a powerbomb, but Hurricane gets on his feet and hits a “spinning DDT.” Chokeslam attempt, but Tajiri escapes and does a handspring elbow thing. Tajiri goes outside, and shoves Torrie off when she tries to help him. He eats a Hurricane plancha, but somehow Tajiri takes over and tosses Hurricane back in. Now Torrie gets up on the announcer’s table for no particular reason and strips off her geisha robe. Tajiri rolls out of the ring and stares at her in dismay as she shows off her lacey bra, panties and garters. Tajiri gets counted out so Hurricane wins the match, but the real winner is Torrie, who made a stand for feminism by stripping down to her underwear on worldwide television.
Jericho is in Vince’s Sexatorium again. Vince says “Downward Spiral,” making me think about Edge’s old finisher. Vince decides to make a match with D-Von Dudley vs Triple H. If Triple H refuses the match, he’s terminated, because you know how much Triple H fears D-Von Dudley.
Commercials. Rob Van Dam pushes Slurpees on some kids, kids who want Hungry Man meals from Booker T.
Al Snow chats with the Hurricane. Al is wearing a Spiderman shirt, which leads to a wacky discussion of how Hurricane vs Spiderman would go. Then Hurricane receives a vaguely threatening note, and Al Snow admits that Head exists.
The guy Michael Cole calls DOUBTING TEST (God you’re stupid Michael Cole) vs SEGGSUAL CHOCOLATE in the match we’ve been waiting for. They’ve been building it for weeks, but even they know we don’t wanna see it on payperview. Test wonders if Henry will get an “F” in his match with Test, you know, cause his name is Test so it’s like a test in school, and this is as entertaining as this match will get. Cole: “If Triple H doesn’t take the match, he’s terminated!” Tazz: “And you know what that means!? He’s fired!” Some stuff happens, and we see the “Test Diving Elbow” for the first time in forever. It doesn’t win though, as Test has to attack the ref and low-blow Henry to escape a potentially career-ending full-nelson and get his Boot of Death for 3. Well, at least Henry lost.
Commercials. I can’t believe I still haven’t seen “The New Guy.” What’s wrong with me? Those Popeye’s Crawfish oughta kick that dude’s ass, yo. I hope that’s not just a regional spot.
Kurt is mouthing crap when Christian jumps in and starts talking about how he beat up Triple H. Then Kurt implies that Christian is ugly for wacky effect. Very, very wacky effect. Did Christian get caught pissing in Stephanie’s coffee or something?
Now Some Guy is talking to Reeko and the Panty Palz. After seeing embarrassing footage of the Panty Palz, Billy tells this guy to wipe the smile off his face before he wipes the smile of his face. Then Reeko tells us he’s a karate badass etc. At some point, Al Snow and Maven will be made to suffer. Reeko is going to “come out” in style. “Come out” get it LOLOL1L!!1!
D-Von has found some mysterious tattooed arms to hold his collection box.
Commercials. That midget is dissing dudes’ ding-a-lings. That ain’t cool.
Our WEE Slam of the Week if Triple H getting beateded up earlier tonight. Wow, Subway chose them a Slam of the Week fast!
Here’s D-CON DUDLEY (w/WEIRD UNNAMED SHAVED-HEADED TATOOEY GUY.) D-Con says “long and behold.” He introduces us to DEACON BATISTA (Deacon…like D-Con. Get it?) Anyway, here comes his opponent THE SHAME who is so devastated by his earlier beating that he forgets to spit water. Anyway, Triple H beats up D-Con before Da Dudley Boy can reverse and Irish whip and dump H face-first on the turnbuckles. Now D-Con works over the “injured forehead” with punches. Trip eventually fights back, so D-Con tosses him outside where Batista drops the building fund box (OMG!) to beat up HHHHH. D-Con covers for 2, does some more stuff to the forehead, and covers for 2 some more. D-Con goes for a top-rope headbutt, but he forgets to turn H’s crotch towards the corner, so he misses. Trip rolls out of the ring for a breather, but gets attacked by Batista again. Batista does the Sign of the Cross before charging, allowing Trip to charge. HHHHH goes back in and immediately sets up the Pedigree, but Batista distracts the ref while CAPTAIN HOT PANTS JERICHO uses the donation box to KO H. KOH. Anyway, D-Con picks up the cheap win! Saints be praised!
That reminds me, I was watching CNN Headline News once, and they were running a little ticker of sports headlines at the bottom of the screen. The New Orleans Saints had lost by quite a few points that week, so the ticker said “Saints Praying to Wrong God.” I mean, what the Hell IS that?
Commercials. Keep rockin’ baby.
Here comes PLZ CHANT I SUCK KTHX to show us how ugly Edge would look bald. I was wondering when we’d get our “Angle gets interrupted by Edge” segment. We didn’t even open with the Panty Palz! WHAT’S HAPPENING TO THIS FAMILY!? Kurt sez stuff, then shows us some doctored pictures of a bald Edge on the WWEtron. Edge has somehow cleverly inserted a picture of bald Kurt in here though. And here’s a close-up of the “You Suck” shirt. Angle is pissed, so he says “let’s see how the chick’s respond when you’re a big bald-headed freak!” Kurt calls out Edge, but instead, the undisputed WEEEE champion ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS 2002 comes out (with Jimi Hendrix, according to Tazzzzzzzzzz.) So…Hulk poses for a while. OK, they’re gonna talk some more. Hulk…is pissed that Angle doesn’t like bald people. He runs off a list of guys, like “Superstar” Billy Graham, “the Rattlesnake” Steve Austin, and one other big name…Randy Savage. I mean, Hulk Hogan. Gotta give them credit, they’re making fun of Hogan. Hulk sez if Edge doesn’t get Kurt, Mother Nature will. Kurt fires back that he’s a “Real American,” and tells Hogan to kick his blank. I say blank instead of bleep, because Hulk took a cheap shot, got the Big Boot, and ends the segment. Well…not before THAT FUN LOVIN'EDGE can come out and sucker-spear Kurt on the stage. Thank God…for a second I thought Edge wouldn’t be in this segment.
Commercials. Shut up GT3…just shut up.
Kurt Angle interrupts the Jericho/McMahon/Kiebler meeting in the Sexatorium. Angle wants a match with Edge or Hogan…whichever…so we get Kurt Jericho vs Hollywood Edge in a tag match tonight.
Chucky Shuffle! THE COMPLETE PANTY PALZ vs TOUGH ENOUGH’S THE WHOLE F’N SNOW, WHAT ABOUT EYEBROWS and STONE COLD KILLA. Al starts out by trying to rip off Chuck’s pants…and Chuck is gay? Chuck tries for his overhead belly-to-belly, but Al gets the trapping headbutts. Crossbody by Al gets 2. Chuck tries to fight back when Rikishi is tagged in, but he’s wasting his time. Billy comes in to eat some kicks, but Chuck gets an eye gouge and tags Rico (spelled correctly in honor of his official debut.) Rico sunset-flips Rikishi, like everyone else, but Billy saves him from the splash. Stuff happens and Maven gets tagged in to be beat up by Billy, then Chuck. Chuck nails the “Chuck Deluxe,” which is something akin to “Chucking the Palumbo.” Rico tagged in for some Fake Fu. Actually, it’s pretty good. Rico eventually gets hit, so he tags back out to Chuck (who does all the work on this team, by the way.) Cole and Tazzz snicker about Rico’s “coming out” match. A double KO and a race for the tag brings in Al, who becomes oddly potent. Al beats everyone not on his team or in stripes up, but eventually falls prey to Panty Power. Rikishi saves, and Rico foolishly attacks him. It all ends with Rico in prime Stink-Face position, only for Rico to be knocked out of the ring by Chuck. Maven acts confused and leaves the ring so Al can get Rico-kicked and Flame-assered for the 3. Panty Power lives 4evah!
Commercials. Where the Hell is Hungry Man?
Now it’s time for that guy to talk to Randy Orton, who is the bastard child of Boris Malenko and Chavo Guerreerroo Sr or something. Randy flubs some lines before Lance Storm comes out, acts supremely pissed-off, and sez “I’m better than you.” He is, too, but he’s gonna lose.
Recap of the old, old, old biker guys who are old feud. Hogan runs over a motorcycle with a semi, but because it isn’t the Rock who only does it once.
Commercials. There’s a “Light” Stacker 2!? So you can burn fat without putting on fat, presumably. Also, don’t smoke weed or you won’t get to play with the hose. SHUT UP GT3!!
Our Burn of the Night is the Undertaker disfiguring his brother and killing his parents.
Actually, it was Torrie’s Feminist Strip Show.
“MACHO BOY” RANDY ORTON vs LANCE DOES NOT SUCK. They pace around a while before BOB “MY FIRST NAME IS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE” HOLLY to make sure Lance winz. Orton dominates with punches and forearms and flying stuff before Holly hooks Randy’s arm so Lance can nail him. Lance with a sidekick and the standing crossface thing from last week. Randy catches a charging Lance and takes over with clotheslines. Nice dropkick, and a slow count from Bob. Tazzzz says things are slow in Alabama. Nice powerslam by the kid, and Bob goes for the mega slow-count. Lance gets the roll-through slam, but the fast count isn’t fast enough. Tazzz: “Randy’s a good-lookin’ kid, he’s a stud.” Randy fights off Lance on the top rope, and gets another ultra-slow 2 off a top-rope something. Lance catches a Randy kick and gets the Maple Leaf. Randy fights for the ropes…so of course Holly pushes them out of his reach with the boot. Randy finally taps, and Holly wastes no time before going to work on the kid with stomps. NOT VAL VENIS makes the save cause he was bored.
That Fun Lovin’ Edge goes to see Hulkster in the Fortress of Hulkatude, but the place is empty. Edge goes all loveable-kid by dressing up as Hulkster and cutting an insane, rambling promo about hanging-and-banging on the Titanic for 40 days and grabbing shark fins and crap. Hogan comes in and looks pissed, but it’s all a SHOCIKNG SWEVER as Hogan says they’re gonna totally reek of awesomeness. Edge: “That was so cool! He called me ‘brother!’”
Commercials. Various judges of African descent are gonna lay down some law on UPN, tonight. Thank God I have my half-assed editing of this rebeak to do.
Kurt survives a brutal musical skip, all so he can tag with Jericho! That’s right, it’s CHRIS ANGLE vs HOLLYWOOD EDGE HOGAN. You don’t mess with Big Evil’s bike. We start with an All-American Staredown. Angle punches Hogan a few times to NO EFFECT. Hogan just kinda slaps him around for awhile, goes for a cover, makes Jericho elbow Kurt, and etc. Hulk does stuff to Kurt until Edge gets the tag. Cole: “How ‘bout Edge? He’s a closet Hulkamaniac!” Edge, of course, gives the advantage to the heels when Angle plexifies him. Chris comes in to chop and stuff, but Edge comes back and gets him missile dropkick, followed by a move that is simply called “face first.” Edge tosses a charging Angle, but that idiot Hogan comes in to distract the ref. The heels, of course, double-team. Hulk did that to make Edge look bad, ya know. Now Chris is choking with some tape. Kurt in with more suplexery. Rear chinlock with leglace (thank you, Tazz, for knowing what these moves are called.) Double crossbody leads to our race for the tag. Angle gets Jericho, Jericho grabs Edge’s foot, but Edge N-zoogweerees and tags Hulk. Hogan beats everyone up, than Hulks Up just for Jericho. Big Boot, Leg Drop, 1…2…Angle grabs the ref. Tazz said it best, “Angle is the Man!” Unfortunately for Kurt, he gets Edgecuted. Jericho nails Edge and Hulk, gets the Walls on the Champ, and…here we go. STONE COLD HUNTER HELMSLEY comes out and hits everyone with a sledgehammer! EVERYONE. He gets Edge and Hogan too. His music plays a bit early…but here comes STUPID, STUPID VINCE. He comes into the ring, and asks H if he has the guts to hit him. Vince is on the apron, H takes a swing, but the boss drops down and Jericho chairs Hunter. Jericho gloats all evil-like, and we are out.
So…how come Jericho was up and swinging chairs, but everyone else was still Koed? You can’t mean…Jericho is tough!?!?
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