Last week: Brok kicked it up. An entire notch.

We are coming at you liveish from Tuscon, Arizona. I guess it isn’t on fire anymore. Arizona is home not only to Team SW, but also to…they’ve got London Bridge now, right?

Tonight, we’ll see A-Train vs Brok (joy) and…something else.

WWE magazine sez Big Show has stepped OUT OF THE SHADOW of Andre. That’s one big, dead, French shadow. He will prove his superiority by fighting TONS O’ FUN. Rikishi has jobbed to John Cena recently, but now he’s being used to build the Big Show. Anyway, I gotta hit the head. I come back in time for the chokeslam. I was kind of hoping Brok would interfere and help Rikishi win, because that would mean John Cena is ahead of Show as far as title shots go. From what I heard from the bathroom, I don’t think Rikishi did any moves. THE EVIL GENIUS says something about how he and Show are gonna teach Brok a lesson. Maybe they’ll teach him about caring and sharing, or counting, or something. But probably not.

According to these graphics, “Charlie Haas Team Angle” will face Edge while “Shelton Benjamin Team Angle” will face Chris Benoit later tonight.

Commercials. The Stuntment are still having bleeping fun. Even that whore TOM2 from Toonami said that game is a pain in the bleep to play. He still gave it an 8 though. He probably gave SD:JBI an 11. But even he hated Final Fantasy X, because I am the only person in the world who likes FFX.

Actually, I think he did rate it and gave it an 8 like he gave everything else. I should get back to the recap though. That’s what Braska would have wanted.

Our Subway Eat Me of the Week is Cena screwing Eddie Guerrero.

THE DRIVEN SNOW makes fun of Hispanics some more. He again accuses Eddie of emigrating illegally from Texas. He says Eddie works at Taco Bell, then makes himself look like a wuss by saying he likes their mild sauce. That’s like putting ketchup on a taco…you don’t do that. I’m not that white, and I’m quite white thankyouverymuch. BOOYAH helps his homie out by saying “Booyah.” Randy Orton wishes he was John Cena. CHAVIIIIIIIIITO gets his own music! ROCK! He comes out with his uncle…why they’re turning THE LAWNMOER MAN face is beyond me. Chavo goes after Cena early, and gets pulled off by the ref. Chavo comes back in with kicks and European (Spanish) uppercuts and stuff. Cena tries but fails to escape from a back-suplex. Chavo ducks some stuff, then counters a tilt-a-whirl attempt into a leg-scissors. Chavo clotheslines him outside for a conference with He of the Many Bs. Cena tries another attack, but Chavo is all angry and fiery and Latin. Chavo flips away from lots of stuff, even escaping a military press slam to get another back-suplex for 2. Some fan in the crowd has a sign reading “I MISS RICO.” You and me both, kid. Well, probably not kid, few kids can recognize the awesomeness of Rico. Cena finally gets Chavo with a clothesline after Chavo charges and almost eats boot. Cena whips Chavo into the ropes and catches him with an elbow. That’s one of his signature spots, you know. Cena puts Chavo up top and tries for a back-suplex, but Chavo fights out. B-2 knocks Chavo down, so Eddie brings the Latino Heat. Cena goes outside to aid his fellow Wigger, and eats a plancha from Chavo! Our two seconds (people, not time units) continue to go at it, with Eddie suplexing Bull on the ramp before both men are ordered away by the Horde O’ Refs. Cena suplexes Chavo into the ring. Cena goes up top, but Chavo sneaks in a superplex. Cena kicks out at 2.9999. A roll-up by Chavo gets a similar count. Chavo with a nice DDT for 2. Cena ends up leaning against the ropes, and Chavo tries to cradle him…but Cena holds the ropes and leans forward, pinning Chavo for an evil OMG HEEL 3. Lame ending. Remember when Cena could almost beat Kurt Angle clean? Yeah, I like him better now too.

Let’s keep the suckage going with a recap of the Wilson/Marie wedding. “In sickness and in health, or whatever…I take all the vows. Trust me.”

And now we go to the Honeymoon Suite, where DAWN WILSON greets us in her red satin undies. “For those of you who don’t know, Al is an absolute animal.” Yeah, we all knew that…huh? Now…good God. Dawn Marie is hot and everything, but the crappiness of her line-reads never ceases to amaze me. She should do a voice on Gundam Wing…or maybe Thundercats. She’s that horrible. Anyway, she promises us that this angle is a long way from over.

Commercials. UPN doesn’t even pretend it’s Monday line-up is good.

Our RetRAW moment of the moment is Austin spraying beer on the Rock, his poofy hair, and his digitally altered title belt. They can’t be so paranoid as to alter the old WWF logo, so it must be Ric Flair’s “Real World Champion” belt.

I BROKE BROK’S HEAD VERSION 1.0 (w/HEY, HE JUST GRABBED A TORNADO! ) likes pulp on his heated toilet seat or something. Mayut will face DRAGON PANTIES. Cause Kidman’s got red kanji on his dirty grey boxers. They might not be real kanji, but they’re Japanesey. The boys exchange armbars and stuff briefly before the running-around sequence starts. Kidman wins that with a head-scissors and a dropkick. Kidman eventually gets tripped up by Moore so Matt can attack from behind. Rope-choking by Moore. Tazz implies that Shannon may not weigh enough to choke someone (pot, kettle.) Matt with more attacks, and a sideslam gets 2. Sleeperhold by Matt…Tazz thinks it’s a choke. HE WILL CHOKE YOU OUT! Kidman reverses into his own sleeper, but Matt counters into another sideslam. Everyone ducks and counters everyone else’s clotheslines and Side-Effects to little effect (side or otherwise) before Billy gets a bulldog off the turnbuckles. Billy gets a flying back-elbow, a clothesline, and an ENZOOGWEEREE kick “to the temple.” Billy gets another head-scissors on Matt before sending Moore flying off the apron. He sends Matt out behind him, then hops up on the ropes and delivers a Shooting Star Press to the outside! ROCK. That mercifully prevents Cole from getting into last week’s Al Wilson impression and any discussion of the wedding angle. Billy sends Matt in and covers for 2, but Matt counters the “I whip you into the corner then clothesline you off the ropes” move that never works anymore with the Side-Effect for 2. Matt goes up for the UUUUNNNNNNNNHHHHHH legdrop, but it misses. Kidman uses the Ski-Hi to set up the SSP, but Shannon Moore interferes! Kidman kicks him off, but Matt has time to slam Kidman off the turnbuckles. Now Matt sets up the Twist That Don’t Miss, but it misses like always (making my name for it that little bit stupider) and he gets thrown into the ropes. Make that thrown into Shannon Moore, who had chosen the wrong moment to hop up on the apron. Matt staggers back from the collision and is rolled-up for 3. Kidman leaves with another big win. Matt calls Shannon into the ring, and forgives him for screwing up and costing him the match. Then he checks with the audience, gives it up for Shannon, and pulls him in for the short clothe…hug. And…wow, we cut to BE A LIGHT IN THE WINDOW FOR MY WANDERING BROK backstage before Matt can do anything evil. Whaddya know, no beating!

Commercials. Undercover Brother is already out on VHS and DVD. Why did the stupid BLACK spy parody do no business while a third Austin Powers WHITE spy parody pulled in da mad bling-bling? Ask D-Lo Brown. Also, that episode of Enterprise where Archer gets mad and horny (not mad horny) because some aliens tried to kill his dog will be on next week, along with bloopers and crap. SO BE THERE.

Last week, Edge was in Seattle. He hugged baby radios, and was happy. I think.

THE BEST ACTOR IN THE WILSON FAMILY shocks the world by announcing, to Neo Interview Dude, that she wasn’t thrilled with the wedding. She also invents the concept of “live tape.” NID tells us there will be a Torrie/Dawn match at Royal Rumble, and Torrie speculates that Dawn Marie’s rectal sphincter is not the same size as a glass slipper.

WELCOME BACK YOSHI will be facing WAS ONCE A CHAMPION (w/TOMATO.) I guess Tajiri was once a champion too, but somehow Jamie’s fall from grace came as more of a surprise. After some brief making out on the apron, Cole reminds us of the backstory between these two combatants. And we open, as always, with armbars. Tajiri somehow wins the armbar war, so Noble looks frustrated and starts brawling first. Jamie sends Yoshi into a corner and charges him…but Tajiri escapes and the Tarantula is teased. Noble blocks a kick, slips out of the ring, gets his shoulders beneath Tajiri’s legs, and drops him face-first into the barricade. Back in the ring, and a cover gets 2. Cole talks about how well these guys know each other, so Tazz works in that Nidia knows Tajiri pretty well too. What with being a slut and all. Noble works over the arm a bit before getting a release Northern Lights suplex for 2. Jamie gets a hammerlock. Tajiri gets back to his feet and goes into a kicking combo. He then gets a sunset-flip into…well, I don’t know what you call it, but he was rolling around the ring while he had Jamie in a body-scissors. I think Becky the Farmer’s Daughter used to do that in WOW…or maybe it was the other one with a hick gimmick. The one whose ranch was bought out by the Disciplinarian. Anyway, Tajiri stacks Noble up for the pin but only gets 2. Come to think of it, I’ve really missed Tajiri. And WOW. Jamie rolls through Tajiri’s legs to start one of those crazy pinfall reversal sequences. It ends with a double-clothesline. Both men slow to rise, but Tajiri gets a German with bridge for a long 2. Chynaese elbow for 2. Tazz tries to sell it as a really tough and impactful move…heh. Then, out of nowhere, Noble gets Tajiri in his old “Trailer Hitch” leg-submission. Tajiri fights his way to the ropes. Noble tries to go after the legs some more…but Tajiri is still in the ropes and gets the Tarantula! He tries for the Ricoesque “kick that is a finisher unlike the rest of my kicks” kick, but Noble ducks and tries for the White Trash Compactor! Tajiri ducks out, trips Noble up, and monkey-flips him into the corner! Noble…catches himself on the second rope! He kicks Tajiri back…then goes for THE STUPID! I can steal that joke with clear conscience since Sofa can’t remember who he stole it from. Anyway, Tajiri kicks him on the way down, then goes for his variant on Judge Rico’s old Lawgiver Kick for the win! While it’s nice to see Tajiri return with a win, I’m starting to wonder just whose motorcycle Noble forgot to wash (I’d steal a joke from that “Sass the Undertaker” choice but I’m writing this off-line.)

MR. A AND THE A FORCE get pumped.

Commercials. Nathan Jones: coming soon to your grocer’s freezer. Not to be found in your grocer’s freezer: more than one Hungry Man XXL.

Our Blast of Extreme Two Power Towers of the Night crushes the competition with its bigness. Oh, it’s Kurt bullying the announcer last week. That was cool.

KRUTCH ANGLE and TURBO accompany NITRO to the ring. Actually, Charlie doesn’t look all roided-up. Not to Nitroidal levels anyway. Maybe Haas is more like Malibu. Oh, nevermind, Rob Zombie music heralds the arrival to the true spiritual successor to MALIBU. But that leaves good outnumbered by evil at ringside, so out comes…I dunno…ZAP. Unless Zap was a girl. She probably was. Oh well, chalk it up to me making fun of Benoit’s femmy music, since he’s the one I’m calling ZAP. I thought I should spell that out since I made no effort to relate the two. Anyway, Haas uses amateur stuff (ventriloquiy, soft-shoe dancing, etc) to dominate early, but eventually he starts running so Edge can do pro (i.e. fake) offense like tripping guys and facebustering and stuff. Edge reverses a whip to the corner and gets a boot, but he charges into a bellytobelly from Haas. Haas gets a verticle suplex for 2. A second cover gets 2. Cole says Haas runs for 45 minutes a day, so Tazz asks if they’re 45 minutes in a row. Legitimate question, I suppose. Haas slaps on the bow-and-arrow so we can get some dramatic close-ups of the rogues gallery at ringside. Edge eventually escapes and gets a back-suplex. Hass ducks a clothesline and gets a German suplex, putting him right back in control. Haas covers for 2, goes up top, and goes for THE STUPID. I hate to use that twice, but I don’t remember the last time two people blatantly went for it in two consecutive matches. Edge kicks him on the way down and gets a suplex. Both men stay down for a bit before Edge pulls an Undertaker and sets his house on fire with clotheslines, backdrops, and an Edge-O-Matic for 2. Haas tries some punches, but gets a faceplant. Kurt and Benoit go at it on the outside, but Benjamin nails Chris with his jumping kick thingie and then gets on the apron. Edge SPEERZ him. Haas tries something, but he gets SPEERED too. Edge covers, but Kurt pulls the ref out. Everyone runs around a lot, and Edge gets hit in the back with Kurt’s crotch. I mean crutch. Sorry. Haas gets a suplex and a quick, dirty cover for 3. Hah, Haas just beat Edge in his debut! Benoit gets in the ring to clean house, grabs a mic, and cuts a brutally bad promo consisting mostly of saying “tick” and “tock.” He calls out the “Angle clone” that is Shelton Benjamin. I’m no expert on cloning, but aren’t clones generally members of the same ethnic group as their progenitors? Does progenitor mean what I think it means? And what’s the deal with the Pina Colada song?

Commercials. A local car ad suggests that if you get a shitty used car, this cute chick trying way too hard to look sexy will stand around being confused as to whether to look at the camera or her “boyfriend.”

We’re back to MR. USA TONY ATLAS JR vs WILE E. WOLVERINE, already in progress. The roving gangs at ringside got tired and went home, or were ejected, or something. That means no cheap win for Benjamin. So the white rookie gets a win over Edge but the black rookie is gonna job to Benoit…D-Lo, are you watching? Anyway, Benoit scores with an armdrag. Then they circle. Benoit scores with another armdrag. Hammerlock by Benoit, but Benjamin reverses before Benoit scores with a drop-toehold and more armdrags and more scoring. Who was it who hated when commentators said people “scored” with moves? Somebody tell me, it’s driving me nuts. More amateur wrestling follows before Benoit gets the Crawlspace and Benjamin goes spastic to reach the ropes. You know…while it’s fun to see on TV sometimes, one reason they call it amateur wrestling is that nobody pays to watch it. Benoit brawls. A particularly nasty chop floors Benjamin, who rolls out of the ring. Benoit follows, so Benjamin rams him into the ring as well as the railing. Back in the ring, and a cover gets 2. A hellacious back-suplex by Benjamin gets 2. He actually jumps off the ground a bit to get that much more of a vertical drop. Sheldon slaps on some hold I don’t know from the bow and arrow position. Benoit gets up, but Sheldon takes him back down before changing his mind and sending him into the corner. Butterfly suplex by Benjamin. It sounds femmy, but it isn’t. It gets Sheldon a 2 count, so he goes for a sort-of-kind-of Camel Clutch. Cole says Benoit has the heart of a lion. It’s wolverine, Cole. Benoit eventually escapes, then kicks Benjamin and…gets hit with…well…Tazz calls it an “underhook into a high-crotch, spinning his hips Sheldon Benjamin.” I don’t know what it was, but it was cool. A Northern Lights gets 2, as does a roll-up. A backslide gets 2, and Benjamin is getting frustrated. Benoit with some choppery. Benjamin tries his jumpety kick thingie, but Benoit ducks it. Benjamin ducks a follow-up clothesline and tries to roll Benoit up, but they end up in the ropes. Benjamin sends Benoit into the corner, but misses a charge. A clothesline and an Irish whip later, and Benoit is going for Rolling Germans! He gets the hat trick (since this is only an Angle clone,) then goes for AIR EDMONTON! He’s the Flying Oiler! CRIPPULAH CRAWLSPACE! But DR. XAVIER is out with his futuristic crutch to cause a Dairy Queen ending. Benoit gets him in the Crawlspace too, so HAAS BY GAWD is out as well. Angle taps briefly before Chucky can make the save. I JUST JOBBED TO A ROOKIE comes out to clothesline the kids, but he gets crutched by Angle. Edge manages to fall out of the ring while Benoit attacks Angle, but Team Angle recovers and lets Kurt take over. Edge…is sucked into the void or something as Team Angle proceeds to carry out a lengthy 3-on-1 beatdown. Kurt gets the Anklelock while Haas makes Chris tap and Sheldon just feels left out. Aw. Maybe he should go punch Edge or something.

What made that segment for me was the shot of Kurt gloating. Right behind him you can see this little kid in a DX-jersey chopping his crotch like there was no tomorrow. Jesus kid, it’s over. And please refrain from chopping your crotch before you become capable of intercourse.

Commercials. It’s still bleeping fun. The Hollywood Stuntmen are unwavering in their fun level. Also, despite all the automotive wackiness, my favorite shot from the SD:SYM ad is still Brok vs Golddust in a Ladder Match. Golddust almost had the title!

Moments ago: Edge makes a crappy cavalry.

FOGGY AL wipes the mirror so we can see his nekkid self clearer. Jerk. SHUT UP DAWN should be seen, and not heard. You know, I think this angle would be better if Pat Patterson was playing the Al Wilson role.

MFER and M are out, Matt to do commentary and Shannon Moore to be eaten by BLOTTO DEMOTTO. That nickname makes no sense. I mean, I had to add a letter to Demott’s name just to make it rhyme with blotto, yet there is no evidence that Demott has any kind of drinking problem. I guess I just wrote down the first thing I thought of because I don’t feel like thinking about it. Sorry. For whatever reason, Demott draws forth a laziness from deep within my soul. Matt explains that his hand-signal is a V and a 1, for Version 1.0, natch. Demott is basically squeezing Moore with holds and crap. This is more boring than the usual clothesline some guy to death match. Tazz says Demott figure-4ed Moore’s head. Shannon is on offense briefly with some punches and a flying kick off the turnbuckle, but Demott ignores it and eventually wins with “the Doctorbomb.” Matt speaks all positive and stuff about Shannon learning and improving, then gets in the ring, hauls Shannon up, gives him a hand. “You gave a Hell of an effort.” And there’s another hug…but this time, he turns it into the Twist of Fate. Twist of Affection, maybe? Hug of Fate?

Here’s a very special video package of the Satanic, non-biker Undertaker. He may be getting that cool Ministry of Darkness music back…and John Cena may get to keep his motorcycle sidecar. Stay tuned.

Commercials. “Run Tell Dat” on DVD has “off-the-hook extras.” So rent it, and you’ll be “just another victim.”

The RAW Tenth Anniversary will be live, from the World.

I thought I had a joke for the above, but I’m drawing a blank. Insert your own joke about what a shitty name “The World” is.

Our tale of the tape for Brok vs Train tells us that Train is a former…what is that…“Intercontinental Champion?” What’s an Intercontinental Champion?

Oh, and it sounded like they post-dubbed Tazz cause he screwed up or something.

B2 TO THE B(2) (w/I HATES ME SOME WETBACKS) gets jumped by EDDIE SUXX RULEZ (w/I’M A TAG CHAMP TOO) before Cena’s rapping skills are stretched to two raps in one night. In the ring, Eddie enters by slingshot back-splashing BB. Eddie wins some early brawling, then escapes a military press so…BB can military press him again. You’re strong Bull, we get it. Bull gets a legdrop, then covers for 2. Eddie fights back, but BBBBB ain’t havin’ it. Cole makes fun of Tazz’z hair. Bull works over Eddie in the corner. The crowd…seems to be chanting for Eddie. Maybe it’s post-production. We continue with Bull pounding on Eddie while Eddie occasionally fights back, only to be ignored. B2 gets a big clothesline. Jimmy Korderas yells about fists. Buchanan gets his thing where he jumps into the turnbuckles, then jumps back and kicks. BBBBB with a nice vertical bomb, sez Tazz. Eddie tries to fight back, and Bull cuts him off again. John Cena has his headband around his neck. Eddie…gets a tile-a-whirl backbreaker out of nowhere! Chavo Pearl Harbors Cena with the title belt on the outside for no reason! Eddie ducks a clothesline, gets a back suplex, and goes up top! Lone Star Frog Splash! Bull…rolls onto his back for some reason, and still gets hit! Eddie wins! Wow! That was weird!

BROK’S HINDER is shiny. Brok lifts propane tanks to ready himself for Albert. I just hope he doesn’t break Albert’s hands with them, as then we’d have to listen to more goofy screaming.

Commercials. This new Martin Lawrence movie should be called “Run Arrest Dat.” Cause he’s like this cop. Yeah. HEY! One of those UPN outtakes is Angle tricking Benoit into looking at his shirt so Angle could rake his face…that was intentional! THESE WRESTLING BLOOPERS ARE FAKE!!!

ALICE CRAMDEN checks on RALPH. He’s asleep…but they kind of hint that he’s dead (oh plz plz plz be dead.)

TWO MEN AND A HAIRY BABY have a little chit-chat. Albert says he can beat Brok without their help. He’s gonna break him like he broke Misterio (yeah right.) No one measures up, physically, to the A-Train. Because amount of body hair is a measurable physical attribute.

Commercials. Hey, a commercial for “Narc” (w/Ray Lioda) was immediately followed by a commercial for GTA:VC (w/Ray Lioda!) It’s Liodariffic! A Liodafest! Chad, Grandpa, there’s a new Ray in town!

We get our first glimpse at Nathan Jones. He’s a big scary bald white guy. Cause the WWE was really needing another one of those.

YES, YES A-TRAIN, YOU ARE THE A-TRAIN will take on DANCES WITH NOTHING. They shove. They tie-up. Alberto shoves Brok back first. Brok checks the back of his head for blood (and hair.) Brok forces Albert into the corner and works him over. He whips Albert into the other corner, but charges into an elbow! MISHUGGINATOR!! I guess that isn’t his finisher anymore, cause Brok kicks out. I think the tail of the tape called his finisher “The Train Wreck” or something. He wins matches by making you watch Adam Sandler movies. Albert does boring stuff and gets a hot-shot before Brok gets a clothesline. Brok flees to the corner, tricks Albert into charging the boot, then starts in with bellytobelly suplexes, After the third one, Albert headbutts his way out of another one. Brok pulls him in for the Alberto-5 anyway, and scores one damned under whelming win. Brok calls out THE PAUL BROTHERS. They…wander around, find a sign pointing to the parking lot, and…leave. Paul declares this a great victory because they tricked Brok into thinking they’d fight. Brok has been taught a lesson: Brok can never beat Big Show, because Big Show is too lazy to fight, apparently. “Gotcha” sez Paul, to Brok (and us all.) This would make more sense if I’d mentioned throughout the recap that Tazz and Cole have been hyping Show “teaching Brok a lesson” all night, but I neglected to do that. I’m sorry that I failed to properly bait their big bait n’ switch.

BLACK WIDOW panics as paramedics try to revive MR. WILSON. Apparently this is the first Mr. Wilson who had hair…since he died before the show became unprofitable and was replaced by the bald one. On the old Dennis the Menace show. Nevermind. I’m trying to ignore the Dawn segment. However, this segment would have been good if Steve Austin was one of the paramedics. But he wasn’t. So it sucked.

Final thoughts: Some good, some bad. Next week may well hinge around Al Wilson’s corpse, so keep your eyes peeled for a Smackdown jump by Kane. I hope I beat someone to that joke.