Two out of two voice-overs agree: Brok can’t beat the Big Show. I can’t believe they repeated “listen to ration.”

Wow…that segued nicely into PRETTY POLLY and INTERVIEW DUDE. I’m feeling generous so I’m gonna give interview dude all-caps. Anyway, Paul says Brok is hurt and won’t be here. Then THE BIG SHOW (w/JOHN BOY and BILLY) does a walk-on.

Sorry, but Mark Henry is not one of the beautiful people.

We are at the Nationwide Arena, which is a big lie because it is contained entirely in Columbus, Ohio. Ohio is the home of SOfa King Amazing, I think, and maybe TNM…I don’t know where you people live. Chainclaw moved, right? Somebody moved. What the Hell was I talking about?

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE GUY IN SHADES (w/I’ve been listening to too much of Wave 103) vs LATINO WARMTH. I wonder sometimes if I’m looked down on for reusing the same damned nicknames. I love Chavo’s music, by the way, as it reminds me of the die-cast LWO low-rider my brother picked up at Big Lots. Edge dominated early with armdrags and stuff. Side-headlocks and counter-wrestling further agitate my feelings of recapping inadequacy. The fans chant for Edge…so he runs into a dropkick by Chavo. Chavo clotheslines Edge out. Edge tries to set up a fancy entrance…Chavo counters and sets up to suplex him in, but Edge escapes in mid-air, throws Chavo into the buckles, and sets up that one move he does that doesn’t have a name. We cut to Misterio watching on a monitor, and looking oddly fidgety. He should say something funny, like “Been hittin’ the Thigh-Master, Torgo?” Edge ends up straddling the middle rope at some point, so Chavo kicks it up into his crotch. I hereby declare him “The Innovator Of Cheating.” Chavo plays innocent with the ref, then kicks Edge right in the face. Chavo with some European uppercuts in the corner, a clothesline for 2, and then he goes into a…Tazz calls it “a version of a top-wristlock.” Edge eventually escapes and almost gets the Edge-O-Matic, but Chavo counters into his sweet back-suplex. I love seeing Chavo get so much offense, but he is so not winning this match. He goes up top, and sure enough gets dropkicked in the gut on the way down. Both guys stay down for a bit, but when both are up Chavo charges and eats a back bodydrop. Edge with a flying forearm. Edge dodges a punch and gets the Edge-O-Matic for…wait for it wait for it…2. Tazz says “If I’m Chavo or Edge, I wanna hurt my opponent” which isn't as stupid as it sounds since they have that triple-threat tag title match over the weekend. Edge punches away with CLOSED FISTS in the corner, then backs up and sets for the Albert Speer. Stupid. Chavo dodges, Edge hits post…and CHAVO SPEERZ EDGE! It gets 2. Man that would have been a sweet win. Some punches are traded to set Chavo up for a top-rope sunset flip, but Edge escapes and tries to monkey-flip Chavo into the corner. Chavo catches himself…then sets the surprised Edge up for his Tornado DDT! Edge controls Chavo’s landing and sets him on his feet…and then gets him with the Edge-O-Cution! As stupid as the move names were, that was a good exchange. Oh yeah, Edge wins. I think he can wrestle ok. Two different sets of fans with 4-part signs end up saying “E (big space) DGE” instead of Edge.

Now interview dude talks to CHIBI-SPIDERMAN about his match with Eddie. Raye is apparently a big fan of ICH HEISSE BROKKUS though, because he bolts over to ask the big man how his ribs are when he makes Paul a liar by showing up. Interview dude tries to talk to him, but since he’s a schmuck and holds the microphone down in despondence, we barely hear Brok diss him.

Commercials. Elimination Chamber…what’s that? Smackdown really needs a more secure feed…Bischoff is Team Pirating the signal far too easily. Also, no matter how many cars Kurt Angle’s corpse destroys, I’m not buying another Jukes game without renting it first. I saw no evidence of Chavo or Raye Junior in that commercial.

Our Half Past Dead Half Past Death of the Week is Torrie’s Dad being halfway to killing himself before Dawn said “yes.”

THE HAPPY COUPLE discuss inviting Torrie to their wedding. Methinks Dawn is up to no good. I am so very smart.

Paul talks at Brok some more. Paul wants this to be, Team Brok. Like Team Tazz or Team Sabu or Team Pirates or Team Package or Team Rocket. I ran out of teams before they stopped talking. Paul does this trick where he says he has an idea, then cuts to break. Paul, you are one sneaky monkey!

Commercials. Why does this Contra commercial have an ogre? Contra didn’t have ogres! Red Falcon ain’t be chillin’ with no ogres!! Oh, and is it just me or does the Booker T doll for the Metal Arena vaguely look like he’s in a minstrel show?

PORK BISCUIT was the Fear Factor champion, and loves Guacamole. Tazz thinks that’s a luchadore. He (Matt, not Tazz or Guacamole) will be teaming up with THAT 80’S GUY (who I would consider trading for Rosie. But not Jamal.) They will take on THE NEW ISLAND BOYZ (from Samoa and…one of them Japanese islands. What’s the big one, Honshu? Why am I asking so many questions this week?) Tajiri starts with Matt. Matt shoves Tajiri after an armdrag exchange, so Tajiri hurricanranas him. Hey…Cole called it! Matt thumbs Yoshi in the eye, then tags in the Panty Prince. He tosses Yoshi into the ropes, elbows him, covers for 2, then…tags in Matt? Loser. Matt does something I miss…tags Cena, and the heels go for a double-suplex. Cena gets a snapmare…but Tajiri tags out anyway. Fat attacks for everyone born on a large landmass. Matt and Cena end up sandwiched in a corner and get splashed. Matt escapes, but Tajiri kicks Cena to set up the Thump of Fear or whatever. Matt gets the “side-effect” on the Kish, but Cena’s cover only gets 2. Cena tags in Matt. Heels stomp away. Matt chokes Rikishi on the ropes, and Rikishi makes snothery noises. That’s a word, I swear. Crowd chants for Jeff as Matt’s front-facelock utterly fails to prevent a tag. Rikishi back bodydrops him as Yoshi ducks a Cena cheapshot and kicks his head off. Kish tags Tajiri and takes Cena out of the ring. Tajiri with a spinwheel kick (I think) on Matt. Now they do this weird spot where Tajiri runs and jumps at Matt and they end up…giving each other a sort of gourdbuster. Both men’s shoulders are down, both men reach an arm over…and Matt gets his shoulder up while Tajiri doesn’t. Well, that was weird. Let’s play Matt’s music! Matt makes Cena lift him up on his shoulders, and Cena has this look on his face whose resemblance to Father Dougal Maguire is uncanny. If you don’t know who Father Dougal is, I can only offer you my pity. Aw…they hug. Matt and Cena, not Cena and Dougal.

SUBMIT talks to SURVIVOR SERIES. Cause of their shirts. They blame each other for their loss last week. Benoit repeats what Angle says in a funny voice. I love that. Kurt says, “You watch your mouth young man,” which is cool. “I have more teeth than you!” “I have more hair than you!” “Well, I’m better than you!” “I’m better than you!” “I’m ten times better than you!” “I’m eleven times better than you!” “Well I’m an Olympic gold medallist! Huh? Huh? I thought so.” Then Benoit brings back “Prove you wrong,” so Kurt does the “made you look” trick. Fucking awesome.

Commercials. “Half Past Dead” looks to be beyond bad, and features that fat black chick. The funny one. Also, why risk your life in one of those ludicrously dangerous ATVs when you can play on-line with REAL CLOWNS!

Dear Big Poppa Pump: I am not one of your freaks, and I can’t hear you. Your message was relayed to me by a freak, who asked me to ask you to go away. They would say so themselves, but they were overpowered by the urge to holler. In fact, they had to scrawl their message on a piece of paper while hollering. Anyway, again, go away. Thank you for your time.

Paul talks to Show. He asks Show to back off, but does it by sucking-up in a way that reminds us Show has beaten lots of important guys and is not a joke contender. He claims Show beat Hogan in his “prime.” Yeah right, because that WCW run was his “prime.” The whereabouts of Hulkamania’s blood are not discussed.

BLIND SQUIRREL runs into GUERRERO FAMILY LAWN CARE. Eddie keeps saying “knot” instead of “nut.” Anyway, typically good but unrebeakable Eddie craziness occurs before Raye busts out the Spanish. Then more stuff occurs before Edge speaks like three words of Spanish to impress the crowd. The Guerreros just laugh and leave, and rightfully so.

Commercials. Jesus Christ…go away, Tony Hawk. Haha…enjoy your Metal Gear Virtual Missions, X-Boxers. Good luck with Genola, the giant arctic guy. Haha (losers.)

Our Maxim Chicks Lick Your Head of the Week is from Super Tuesday. I almost rebeaked that, but then I experienced a line of thought very similar to the one expressed in the last RAW recap. Ten man tag…hah.

As WHAT’S GOING ON HOLMES comes out, Tazz tells us the new Smackdown game has the best storylines ever. He specifies this because SD:JBI’s story mode SUCKED ASS. Then WHOSE THAT COMIN’ OUT THE SKY, R-E-I (w/CHAD and GRANDPA) comes out while Tazz sings Dibiase’s old song. Some may cost a little, some may cost a lot, but I’m the Million Dollar Man, and you will be bought! Good stuff. Anyway, if I can be smarkish for a moment, we’re about to see something not entirely unlike Savage and Dibiase, since Raye will never get to be the top guy while Eddie has way too much heat-making ability to need to go over any top faces. I think Dibiase’s biggest clean win ever was probably over JYD or some such. OK, back to the current millennium. Circling. Raye wins the first lock-up with some kinda leg-toss, but Eddie gets a side-headlock on the second lock-up. Raye escapes, eats a shoulderblock, but then takes over with back bodydrop, dropkick and armdrag. Raye goes to an armbar, but Eddie fights out quickly and sets up a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. He covers for 2 before getting a modified armbar in which he puts his weight over Raye. Eddie stands up to elbow the arm a few times, then releases the hold so he can just stomp away in the croner. Eddie goes into cocky mode, but Raye kicks at him just enough to put Eddie back on task. Raye goes running and jumping around on the ropes and stuff, almost slips, but manages to get a headscissors. Raye charging around, but Eddie armdrags him and holds on for the armbar. Raye escapes with some kinda snapmare, then drops down to deliver a massive monkey-flip. Eddie ends up in the ropes, so Raye shouts to his peeps and goes for the 77 Sunset Strip. Eddie pulls the ref in, and Raye kicks the ref in the ribs! Raye acts shocked, then brawls a bit before THE INNOVATOR OF CHEATING comes in. GORY SPECIAL! I think that’s the Gory Special, anyway. Whatever it is, it rules. Well, if I’m wrong, so is Tazz, as he called it that too. It’s usually a submission…I guess that was a Gory Bomb. Anyway, I KNOW SOME SPANISH comes out to take Chavo outside as Eddie absolutely buries Raye with a powerbomb, holding on and leaning in for a pinfall. He only gets 2, and gets SPEERed by Edge as he staggers back from the force of the kick-out. Chavo takes Edge outside to brawl as the ref realizes they need to go. Why not take a little break?

Commercials. I was watching TV with the family and this Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth commercial came on. Everyone just started laughing. Poor Brok. In vaguely related news: don’t wake the sleeping giant, or he’ll beat you.

We come back to Raye giving Eddie a springboard moonsault. It gets 2. Raye gives Eddie a tile-a-whirl backbreaker, but comes up selling his knee. He gets the Face Full of Manly Stuff anyway. Raye goes up top for something, but Eddie shoves him off to the outside. Eddie stalks him on the inside, then nails him with a springboard splash to the outside. Guerrero rolls him in, then gets a side-suplex. “Orale!” Eddie goes up, but Misterio catches him with a superplex! Both men, of course, act devastated. I don’t think anyone who wasn’t Barry Windham ever did that move without acting hurt afterwards. Raye eventually covers for 2. Eddie sets up a powerbomb, but Raye armdrags his way out and almost sends Eddie right into Brian Hebner. Eddie gets up quickly and levels Raye with a clothesline. He covers, trying to use the ropes, but only gets 2. Eddie goes back to the armbar as the fans try to pump Raye up. He gets to his feet, but Eddie goes to work with elbows and forearms. Eddie tries to set Raye for a superbackdrop, but Raye elbows him off. Eddie gets to his feet, and eats a moonsault! Raye got crazy altitude there. It only gets 2. A replay obscures some brawling. Eddie catches an Asai moonsault, but Raye armdrags out again. Eddie rolls to the floor, then eats a baseball slide. Raye with a hilo over the top on the prone Eddie, but he comes up favoring the knee again. If this doesn’t end with the El Paso Lasso at least being teased, I’ll be mildly annoyed. Raye rolls Eddie in, then tries to springboard in, but he eats knees. Eddie instantly rolls him up in a small package for 2.9999. Eddie with a delayed verticle suplex. He goes up…looking for the Lone Star Frog Splash…but Raye moves! Raye was on his back anyway. Eddie rolls through the splash at the last second and charges…but Raye drops him face-first onto the turnbuckle…then gets him with a jumping OMG HEEL kick! Eddie ends up on the ropes…54-40 OR FIGHT! Raye setting up for the Mars Celestial Fire Surround (aka West Coast Pop,) but Eddie rolls through and gets the El Paso Lasso! Then he grabs the ropes for leverage because he’s such a massive dick. Raye has no choice but to tap.

TOR E. JOHNSON tells NAÏVE OLD MAN his sweetheart is a conniving bleep. “There is no fool” long pause “like an old fool.”

Commercials. Looks like I missed “The Mask” on Friday. When will the suffering end?

Our Greyhound Overdrive of the Night is Kidman overdriving Noble into the mat with the Shooting Star Press. I will make their stupid replay names work, damn it!

The World exists.

DIRTY WHITE BOY (w/CAR THIEF, cuz some fan had a sign accusing Nidia of stealing his car that got on camera by being virtue of being the only Nidia sign in the arena) is out to defend his title from THE HUMMER DRIVER. Wait, no he’s not, this is non-title. Kidman Pearl Harbors Noble, then sets up something fancy on the apron, only to be pulled out by Nidia. Noble tosses him back in and stomps away, before sending him into the corner. He pulls Kidman’s arm against the ropes and stuff before dropkicking him into the corner. Noble with more arm over-working. High school German classes gave me some weird ideas about grammar. Tazz calls this hold a “key lock” or something. Kidman escapes and does a big ol’ clothesline and back bodydrop and a dropkick as Tazz calls Mr. Wilson a “crazy old bastard.” Noble ducks a clothesline and gets the White Trash Compactor! He doesn’t sit-out though, and Kidman reverses his cover somehow and almost sneaks in a 3 count. Kidman shakes his injured arm around to restore circulation. God bless you, little Billy. Noble kicks away at Kidman, and some whipping and reversing ends with Jamie going up top. Kidman dropkicks him, and tries for a superplex. Noble sunset-flips out without taking Kidman down, and tries to set up a powerbomb. Kidman flips out of that, and gets a sort of quasi-Lo Down! Smackdown should be called Flipdown. Kidman drags him over for the Shooting Star Press…but Nidia…distracts the ref? Isn't that traditionally how one cheats after the opponent's finisher has been executed? Doesn’t matter, as Jamie charges in and gets a superplex…but when he tries to float-over for a cover (earning Barry Windham and unprecedented two mentions by me,) Kidman rolls around all funny and…well…both guys shoulders look to be down. The ref counts 3 and gives it to Billy anyway. OOOOOOOOOOOOH, JAMIE’S CRYIN’!

DAWN CAN’T ACT talks to OLD FOOL. Then she does her “evil smile.” I SUSPECT TREACHERY.

Commercials. I was gonna talk about the fat disgusting black women from the “Friday After Next” commercial, but then that local Blue Horseshoe Tattoo ad reminded me honkeys can be disgustingly asstastic too. Let our ugly fat women bring us together.

Raye tells us all about his theme song without using the term “real life.” He does, however, say “music transforms the people” which makes me think of Soundwave bustin’ out phat beats.

MR. #1DERFUL PAUL HEYMAN does everything humanly possible to annoy FRICKIN’ WATER POKEMON into calling out Big Show. Then our wacky hosts pimp the new SD game. Cole: “Talk about short!” Tazz: “What the Hell?”

I HAVE MORE TEETH THAN YOU is out to face I HAVE MORE HAIR THAN YOU. I thought they’d save this for ppv, but I guess if Heyman really is booking Smackdown we have to remember his past lies in not being able to rely on payperviews actually happening. Kurt is gonna speak on dis first. He apologizes for being too predictable by constantly beating everyone on Smackdown not named Brok or Taker. He’s a better athlete than Benoit, he’s better looking than Edge, and unlike the Guerreros he can speak English. Misterio hasn’t been through puberty. Blah. He then goes on to tell us he doesn’t need Benoit…but finally gets interrupted by TWO HISPANIC GUYS. They claim to be able to speak English, and remind Kurt that he got pinned by Eddie…at some point. Then A WHITE GUY AND A HISPANIC GUY come out and talk additional trash. Benoit is coming eventually…right? Edge reminds us Kurt is bald, and that he and Lil’ Raye beat Kurt and Chris last week. Raye: “Hi Kurt!” Edge: “You suck!” Kurt decides they’re here to scout him, and finally says, “So Benoit, get your freakin’ gap-toothed butt out here right now!” Then we go to commercials. I really ought to redo the opening to this paragraph, but I’m lazy.

Commercials. Tuff3Nuff will have a swear word. Also, retarded XTREEEM sports counter-terrorist bullshit. Fuck that, we need a feature-length big-budget film about Booker T buying Hungry Man XXL. Maybe he and Schwarzenegger can fight over the last one at Christmas time or something. Oh, and Hogan has a book.

MY BUTT TEETH ARE GAPPED is finally out to fight. Their various foes are sitting around the ring watching. They wrestle. I don’t mean to blow them off, but this stuff is impossible to write-up. Benoit makes the first major mistake, missing a clothesline and eating a release German. Kurt mocks the Guerreros by inviting them into the ring. Chris takes over with chops when Kurt finally gets back to it. He does Luger screams when he chops, too. Benoit whips him into the ropes, but Kurt reverses and gives Benoit a crazy release bellytobelly. Kurt jaws with Eddie some more. Kurt wants Eddie to punch him. Again, Benoit takes over when Kurt comes back to Earth, nailing him with a right to set up a running elbow drop. Kurt did an inverted Flair Flop to sell that punch. A running chop gets 2. Chris with a backbreaker for 2. Edge and Raye watch quietly. Chris dominates with more brawling, though Kurt finally tries to fight back. Chris sends him into the corner and takes his head off with another running chop. Now Benoit goes out to taunt Edge, which is (as Tazz points out) totally out of character. Kurt tries to surprise attack, but Benoit catches him and whips him into the champs. Edge tries to come in as Kurt and Chris trade punches. Benoit gets Rolling Germans. Kurt counters at 2, and gets 3 of his own. That always happens. Kurt tries for the Angleslam, but Benoit escapes, and does that bit where he turns a clothesline into the CRIPPLER CRAWLSPACE! Ankle eventually reverses into the Anglelock, of course. Chris tries the standard kick-out counter twice, with Angle holding on both times! A third try finally pries Kurt off. Angle goes for the Angleslam again, and this time it works. Kurt showboats instead of covering. He jaws at Eddie…then goes for the Lasso from Pittsburgh! Then he turns to Eddie and yells, “this move sucks!” That was the coolest thing ever. Eddie, of course, goes apeshit on the outside. Eddie charges in…and gets tossed out into Edge and Raye! Chavo rushes over to join in the inevitable fray on the floor. Chris gives Angle a fucking insane release German that has Angle flipping over and landing on his stomach. The other two teams end up in the ring, so the ref throws it out. Nobody has hit a match participant yet…wait, Raye just smacked Angle, so I guess Kurt wins by DQ. The good guys toss the Guerreros, and we get Raye doing the Anglelock on Ankle! Hahaha. Then Edge joins in and ruins it, but stops to dodge a Benoit clothesline and give Benoit the Crippler Crawlspace! The Guerreros come back in to break things up. Now the cruisers get tossed. This does allow Ankle to give Eddie the Anglelock, and Chris gets to slap the Crawlspace on Edge. The Horde of Refs™ arrive to break things up, and the wacky teammates have a staredown. Kurt finally backs off, and asks for the handshake. Benoit warily accepts. Now Kurt wants a hug. Benoit backs away, but Kurt pulls him in. Chris keeps trying to get out, but eventually breaks down and does the half-assed “I’ll pat you on the back” hug. I love this show so much.

Now big people walks around. Paul yells.

Commercials. So, is “Steel Hell” where bad steel goes after it dies? Has anyone used that yet? If not, I think we just learned why. Also, on Confidential, learn the top-secret story of how Scott Steiner exists.

Cole mentions Stephanie. I totally failed to notice her absence from the show so far. Then Cole and Tazz talk about Steiner and Saliva and Survivor Series and stuff. Victoria is a “serious threat to Trish’s women’s title.” She’s gonna destroy the belt! Hey, Hurricane gets a match with other jobbers!

HERE COMES THE PAIN (w/HERE COMES THE PAUL) is ready to call out HEY BIG MAN, LEMMIE HOLD A DOLLAR. Paul tries to stop him. “Shut up Paul!” Show finally Big Shows when Brok threatens to drag his ass out. Brok whips him into the steps, then goes for a chair. Jesus Christ…I may be seeing things, but it looks like Show’s arm is totally fucked up. He’s bleeding out of it, and it looks like there’s bone or something bulging under the skin. Brok works Show over with the chair, Show blades, but I’m worried about the arm. I’m not a big fan of Show or anything, but if this really is a bad injury, he has the worst luck.

Final thoughts: I glanced at another recap to see if they commented on Show’s arm. There was nothing, but they complained that there wasn’t enough wrestling this week. What do these people want from the WEEEE anyway?