WARNING: This will be another hastily thrown-together one. Additionally, there are guests around distracting me from my recapping duties, so this may well suck. But it’s Sunday already, so who cares?
I had a joke I forgot to use last week, but I forgot what it was.
LAST WEEK: Jericho defeated Triple H thanks to the Undertaker for a shot at Hogan on the Rock’s/Vince’s show Smackdown. Then on RAW, Taker attacked Hulk before Regal could properly whoop him.
We’re at…the “Melon” Arena? Who the Hell thought “Melon” was a good name for an arena? I hope tonight is “Melon Night” at the Melon Arena. It probably isn’t though.
A true dream team, LETTUCE HEAD and EVIL ATTEMPTED STONE COLD KILLER vs THE PANTY PALS (w/Reeko) for the WWF Tag Titles. Billy does a gay dance, but he looks less gay when he’s trying to be gay than he does when he’s trying to be straight. Tazz names Chuck’s little dance the “Chucky Shuffle.” Rikishi’s ass weighs as much as Hurricane and Michael Cole COMBINED, apparently. Billy punches Rikishi to good effect, but the he headbutts him. He forgot that Samoans have skulls made of adamantium or something. Then he tries to sunset-flip Rikishi, cause he’s all stupid. Then more stuff happens and Hurricane does some stuff before attempting a chokeslam and getting suplexed and stuff. Chuck mocks the Hurripunch, which may or may not be a name Cole uses. Now Billy comes in to make things suck. Hurricane with a Hurricane DDT (or, as Cole calls it, a “Desperation DDT”) and tags in Rikishi, who makes people somersault-sell his clotheslines. Then he splashes both of the Pals, and gets set to stink-up Billy’s face. Reeko saves Billy, but Chuck gets Samoan dropped and splashed and crap. Billy distracts Rikishi and the ref, so we get another Reeko spin-kick victory for the Pals. That spoil-sport Rikishi hits Chuck with an ass-kick though, setting Reeko up to be chokeslammed and stink-faced (by Hurricane and Rikishi, respectively. This causes Rikishi’s music to play, so apparently he is now the tag team champion. I kid, of course, as the Panty Pals retained with that victory. Hey, who allowed them to join the WWF? They're way too strong to compete! I mean, what's up with that? Someone is going to have to take that team down.
Now Val Venis and Lance Storm pretend to talk to each other. Kurt offers to let one of them be a spokesmodel for his new shirt. Lance wins the gig when Val sort of kind of is a face and makes fun of Kurt. Then Kurt sez “Pittsburgh is the pits” in a desperate effort to make fans chant “You suck.” Then he makes fun of Mario Laymyoo or someone.
Commercials. Hungry Man isn’t just food you love, it’s a whole frickin’ pound of it.
Here comes PLEASE CHANT “YOU SUCK” with AMERICAN HERO LANCE STORM. Kurt tells the fans that Lance Storm does not suck. Lance is “officially wearing” the real Kurt Angle T-shirt. The fans keep chanting “What?” Edge is so pissed right now… Wow…Kurt let Lance talk! Anyway, he’s gonna say some more stuff now because the sound guy can’t find Edge’s music, I guess. OK, here we go, MOPPY HEAD/THAT FUN LOVIN’ EDGE is out. Tazz calls Pittsburgh “Pornburg.” Now Edge briefly pretends to like the shirt in a shocking swerve! Then he introduces FORMERLY KNOWN AS VAL VENIS to show off the “You Suck” shirt. Kurt doesn’t find this funny, and promises that after he brutalizes Edge at Judgement Day, Edge will suck. His meals through a straw. Lance whispers in Kurt’s ears that he make it a hair vs hair match. Kurt is putting himself at an extreme disadvantage here, as he his hair is way less powerful than Edge’s. Edge isn’t such a Johnny Goodtimes after that. Or is he? Cole sez “Bobblehead Kurt” for some reason. Val joins the “Desperately Trying To Get ‘You Suck’ Over As A Catchphrase” Club. Then Edge says something stupid, to summon the dulcimer tones of Rob Zombie.
Commercials. ChainClaw watches Tuff E Nuff. You should watch Tuff E Nuff Too.
Our Whack O’ The Night was Cowboy Bob Orton the Third beating Hardcore.
BOB “HARDCORE IS MY FIRST NAME” HOLLY vs LIL’ COWBOY RANDOLF ORTON. Earlier tonight, Stacey wished Randy luck and kissed him. We also learned that he’s gay. Hardcore holds the ropes open for Randy, but Randy is way too smart to get crotched so early. Orton shows Hardcore up with a dropkick. Tazz suggests Orton get his Uncle’s sister (aka his Aunt) to help him. Orton almost wins with a roll-up, then again. Hardcore with a nice powerbomb, then threads him in the ropes and stands on him. That was a LOUD reverse knife-edge. A charge by Holly gets him powerslammed. Now Orton starts jumping around and shit, so Holly says “feck it” and uppercuts his nuts in plain sight of the ref. Tazzz: “That’ll straighten the kid out.” Alabama Slam at the entryway is enough to make Cole declare Holly a “jerk.” It also plays Holly’s music, erasing the DQ and earning him a big win.
Commercials. Yeah, fashion models eat at Subway all the time. “Attack of the Clones?” Allow me to be the eight-billionth guy to make a “at least it isn’t ‘Send In The Clones’” joke.
Ffaarrooqq is making lots of money off of Mark Henry. Ffaarrooqq gives some of the money to Sexual Chocolate. Now Dea-Con Dudley is here to steal their money. Mark Henry offers to violate D-Von with the collection plate, but D-Von politely refuses. You don’t think this will lead to a match, do you?
Vince McMahon is a dirty old man. Chris Jericho interrupts their foreplay to ask for some anti-Hogan deck stacking for tonight’s title match. It will be a special “No DQ, No Undertaker, No HHHHHHHHH Match.” That wacky, goofy Jericho has to be asked to leave McMahon’s Sexatorium.
Commercials. I really wanna see Converse or Addiddass do a commercial where some basketball player fully decked-out as a pimp with a big-ass afro goes into the game in the fourth quarter and COMPLETELY BLOWS IT. I don’t know how this will sell shoes but I still wanna see it.
Cole does a tribute to Wahoo McDaniel and Lou Thesz.
THAT FUN LOVIN’ EDGE and NOT VAL VENIS (w/Edge’s Music) vs PLZ CHANT I SUK KTHX and LANCE DOESN’T SUCK. Kurt starts by kicking the crap out of pretty boy (Edge.) Edge fights back with choppery and missle dropkicks and stuff. Only gets a two (I mean come on!) Big Valboski tags in and allows Kurt to take over. They mention that Big is a former IC Champ. Then Lance tags in and no one mentions that he is also a former IC Champ. Hey, was referee Teddy Long ever IC Champ? Edge comes back in so he can get double-teamed, and eat some Angle suplexes. Helluva German Suplex, and the Pittsburgh crowd gives him a WHOO. Lance in for some girly hair-pulling. Legdrop by Lancelot, but shockingly, a pinfall attempt only gets two. Lance with a nice drop toehold and does one of my all-time favorite spots, tagging but maintaining the hold. Big wanders in like an idiot to allow for more double-teaming. Lance tagged back in, and hooks on a…something. Edge doesn’t submit, and catches Lance with a powerslam when Lance goes off the top. Valboski finally tagged in, and starts doing lots o’ shoulderblocks and clotheslines on everybody (well, everybody on the other team,) but Kurt gets him with a German. Valboski is way too well-rested for that though, and gets his weird powerrbomb thingie. Edge breaks up double-teaming with a top-rope double clothesline, and then with his most powerful invention: the Spear! Angle and Valbo end up down in the ring, with Val getting 2.999999 when he finally crawls over and covers. Valboski with a spinebustar! Val up for the Money Shot, but Lance slows him down and Angle chucks him off. Angle pulls down the strap and starts stomping around, but Edge is in to cheat. Then everyone runs around some more before the ref decides to stop Edge, allowing Lance to superkick Captain Porno into an Angle pin. Chalk another one up, for the bad guys. Some may say that it was luck that helped this team to advance. That doesn't matter to me, because the bottom line is that this team won. They'd just better keep in mind that luck works in many mysterious ways
Commercials. I wish Jason X would kill GT3. The entire concept. Do we really need a new commercial for that game?
Tomorrow (read: a few days ago cause I’m lazy) “The Glimmer Man” will/did stink up UPN.
GO JERICHO GO comes out to do some title-belt motions.Y2J calls the fans “jackasses.” Well, that wasn’t very nice. Y2J is the mack daddy. He’s calls “the Game” “the Shame,” and damn it, I laughed. Y2J is gonna do what all those legends like Earthquake and Zeus couldn’t: drive a stake through the heart of Hulkamania. Gee…the sound of the time running out for Hulkamania sounds a lot like Motorhead, and here comes SUPER LONG ENTRANCE MAN who won’t have a match tonight, so he gets an extended intro here. My brother points out that “people complain Sailor Moon wastes too much time with transformation sequences loaded with trippy colors and posing.” H laffs, so Y2J asks the loser what his deal is. Then he postulates jealousy, and reminds us that Vince said if Trip touches Chris Jericho, he will be committing “career suicide.” Jericho begs He Of The Many H’s to punch him. Tripe H finally takes the microphone and makes a stunning announcement: Chris Jericho will not be beating Hogan for the title tonight. That’s apparently shocking enough to warrant the playing of HHHHHH’s theme music.
Commercials. Resident Evil is coming to the Gamecube (OMG “Game”Cube like Triple H *marks out*) Well, it’ll be better than the movie, anyway.
WWF home video presents “Stone Cold Steve Austin What.”
FFAARROOQQ AASSAADD and SEXUAL CHOCOLATE are puttin’ the Nation Back Together babay! How come D-Von ain’t a part of it, I asks ya? They will be facing good, good friends CHRISTIAN, CHRISTIAAAAAAAAAN (who rules) and D-CON DUD…TEST? Huh, I guess D-Con will be interfering later. Note: The big glass fist over the entrance blocks Christian’s golden rain. Mark Henry pushes Test around cause he’s so strong and awesome and whatever. Christian tricks the dumbass into attacking him, allowing Test to get him from behind. Double-teaming leads to Henry beating both men up, then just Christian. “Mark Henry is a bull. Period.” Christian gets dropped on Ffaarrooqq’s knee, but eventually tags in Test as I lose all interest. Test beats up Ffaarrooqq for a while, then tags in Christian who Ffaarrooqq immediately starts beating up. Here comes a new challenger! You must CRUSH THEM!! It's D-CON DUDLEY to fulfill my incredibly prophetic prophecy and save us from the evils of money by taking it away from the fans. The New Nation steals his collection box, which had fan money in it, and tosses it to other fans. MARK HENRY IS A COMMUNIST. Anyway, D-Con attacks Henry, who chases him, allowing Test and Christian to beat up Ffaarrooqq. Christian with the inverted DDT for 3! JR wasn’t here to blow the call! Test fails to react to Christian’s spastic hugging, but I don’t care! Christian finally wins!
Hulk Hogan has a door with his name on it!
So anyway, my sister teacher High Schoolers, and no matter how many times she asks them “What does Spider-Man do?” they never answer “Whatever a spider can.” Idiots. But I bet they know what Booker T’s favorite food is!
The Rock brags about his close relationship with a camel.
YOSHIRO TAJIRI OR TAJIRI YOSHIHIRO OR HOWEVER THEY WRITE THEIR NAMES OVER THERE (w/Torrie-chan) vs WILLIAM KIDMAN. Big ol’ hurricanrana by Kidman, then a jumping armdraggy thing, but Tajiri dropkicks his kneecap clean off. The Evil Foreigner works the leg for awhile, looking to “break the knee” with a shinbreaker. This is…pretty slow-paced for a match with these two. Enzoogeeree Kick by Kidman, and the Pennsylvania crowd starts an audible “Let’s Go Kidman” chant! Doesn’t stop Tajiri from kicking his head clean off, joinging his kneecap on the mat. Tajiri is sick of being on offense, so he tries to powerbomb Kidman. It almost worked, as Kidman screwed up and landed before the facebuster. Kidman counters the Tarantula by tossing Tajiri outside, but Tajiri pulls Torrie into a Kidman plancha! Big kick by Tajiri, rolling the challenger into the ring, and another big kick gives Tajiri an evil, evil win.
Now we see Vince and Torrie putting their clothes back on, because they just had dirty, dirty sex. Vince asks Torrie to fetch Triple H, because he doesn’t see her backstage sketches and doesn’t know she did a nympho-turn a few weeks back.
Commercials. STORM is the official water gun of Canadian wrestling superstar…TEST! SHOCKING SWURVE!! All right, this show debuted the new GT3 commercial by showing it to us like nine flippin’ times! DAMN YOU GT3!!
We’re back at Vince’s Sexatorium for his chat with Trips. Vince threatens Hunter with death or something if he gets involved in tonight’s main event.
Now Chris Jericho is walking around.
More commercials already. One of the Tuff-E-Nuff kidz was left behind in South Africa! Hope they gave him enough money for a plane ticket home. I hope ChainCaw didn’t use that joke already and I forgot.
Our Burn of the Night is Jericho beating Trippa Haitch last week.
KICK-ASS PINK PANTS is a high-steppin’, title-belt-motion-makin’ challenger for ADORABLE ADRIAN ADDONIS 2002’s Undisputedly Unified Championship. Tazz says that Hulkamania is a “lifestyle.” Eww. You can feel the calm before the storm as the round begins. Hogan essentially laughs off Jericho’s grapples. Jericho rolls outside of the ring, kicks the Spanish Announce Table in frustration, and hurts his foot. I love Jericho. Hulk tells Jericho to kiss his ass. I hate Hogan. Hogan with arm-wringers, and many other exciting offensive manuevers. Jericho finally gets some offense with a backdrop, then follows up by wiping his pits with Hulk’s dew-rag, then spiking it on him. Now with some stomps and playing to the crowd, but he misses an elbow and Hulk begins the big comeback (even though he’s only been hit with one move.) Jericho catches a charging Hogan and tries to go up, but Hulk flashes back to a Flair match and tosses him. Hulk goes for the ten punches in the turnbuckle…but gets low-blowed at nine. Jericho with stomping and posturing, then some chops in the corner. Jericho whips Hogan to the other corner and charges, but Hogan ducks and Jericho goes flying over the ropes and out of the ring. Hulk tries to send Jericho into the corner, but eats it himself. Jericho goes in, and does his best Macho Man impression with a double-axehandle to Hogan’s back. He pauses briefly to pound his chest, promtping one really loud fan to tell Jericho he sucks. Now Chris takes Hulk’s neck across the ropes in a variety of ways. Jericho finally uses the no DQ clause, choking Hogan with a wire. He puts it away because it was working far too well, but he charges Hogan one time too many and crotches himself. Hogan drops a bunch of elbows, then teases the legdrop (or just forgets to do it) and Jericho escapes. Lionsault connects! But DA GHEYM’s music interrupts! Jericho starts jawing with him because he’s an idiot. Helmsley calmly wanders off to provide expert (and late) commentary. Hunter immediately sez "Just look at the expressions on their faces! You can see the intensity in their eyes! What power! Who can stop these devastating warriors?" Actually, he doesn't. Hulk Hulks-Up, giving Chris the legdrop…YES! Jericho catches his foot and puts him in the Wallz!! Hulk is right next to the ropes, but has the decent to remain in the hold for a few seconds. Jericho breaks the hold, because otherwise he might get DQed…I guess. Jericho goes out to get a steel chair as Hunter starts saying the Undertaker is here in various ways! Then Hunter magically makes the Undertaker’s music play, distracting Jericho so Hogan can roll him up. Hulk’s music plays briefly, but then HHHHHH attacks Jericho so his music will play, but the Hulk’s music plays again, and then it’s over.
That sucked. Though I’d mark out like nuts if anyone other than Hogan won that way.
| Send me mail for spiritual fulfillment | Minohodo shirazu ga!! |