Beautiful people. I have no pretty poem this week. Sorry.

What the Hell is a “Trick or Treat Match?” Well…Torrie and Dawn will find out…in the “Trick or Treat Pit.” Here comes RING HUMPER (w/HEADS) vs “SHAME ON YOU” CHRIS BENOIT. Headlocks and armbars and reversals start. Chris gets sick of it and drives Edge into the corner for some knees and such. Now Chris takes it back to the middle with a headlock, Edge shoves him out, and Benoit gets a shoulderblock. Another running around series ends with Edge kneeing Benoit, then pulling him up for a gutbuster. Brawling in the corner goes Edge’s way, until Chris starts chopping. This violence is awfully Canadian. Edge sends Chris into the corner, then tosses him out and follows with a double-axehandle off the apron. Edge slams Chris across the barricade, then sends him back in and covers for 2. Chinlock. These two aren’t usually this boring. Chris finally just breaks out and starts chopping Edge, but he gets caught with something and set up for a verticle suplex. Edge elects to drop Chris forward across the ropes instead. Chris is out of the ring, so Edge tries the baseball slide. Benoit sidesteps, and sends Edge into the stairs. I hear they’re made of ultra-dense carbon neutronium or something. Chris dropkicks the stairs. They switch camera angles on impact, but he clearly got nothing but stairs. Cole talks about how Edge’s shoulder was “clipped” by the kick, like that makes it hurt more. Tazz plays along. Chris sends Edge in, covers for 2, then sends Edge into the corner. They’re playing up the idea that Edge’s shoulder is hurt. Jeez Louis…that totally missed dropkick may end Edge’s career! Benoit with a “modified armbar,” but Edge absorbs the energy of the fans and escapes to get hit by a running elbow by Benoit. Edge’s shoulder gets rammed into additional posts. Crazy-ass back-suplex by Benoit. Edge has a nosebleed…he must be a horny anime character. Chris sends Edge down with a drop toe-hold, then gets another dropkick to the shoulder. A snap-suplex gets 2. Chris whips Edge around some more, drops a leg, punches, etc. Tazz says “Chris Benoit has machine-like emotions.” Huh. Edge lands like one punch and tries to go up top, Chris tries to go up and superplex him, but Edge gets a top-rope facebuster! It’s the super inverted/reverse Edge-O-Matic.

Commercial. Hey, I-Spy really does use the Spy Kids font! That settles it, I’m not gonna go see that movie. Go away, Greyhound. And really, how many times does Bubba Ray have to show this mobster the new heart-attack optional Stacker 2? Mario Party 4.

WE’RE BACK! Edge tries for a missle dropkick, but Benoit sidesteps and gets the Crawlspace! Edge makes the ropes as we get a replay of a missed Albert Speer. Rolling Germans, and the thumb is crossing the throat. Edge moves, so the headbutt misses. That move never works. Even when it hits, it never works. Both men up slowly, chopping before they even get to their feet. Edge sends Benoit into the corner, and gets a normal, non-inverted/reverse Edge-O-Matic. It gets 2, natch. Edge sends Benoit into the corner, Chris counters something into the Crawlspace being countered into the faceplant! It gets 2, also natch. Edge chops Benoit, drops him on his face again, then sets up the Spearow. Chris sidesteps and gets the CRIPPULAH CRAWLSPACE! I capitalized it this time because they actually tease the submission by having Chris roll away from the ropes and such. Heh…Edge keeps pulling the ref’s shirt, so the ref flops around helplessly. Benoit releases to confront the approaching UNCLE BALDO, so Edge instantly recovers and baseball slides the back of Benoit’s head, sending him into Kurt and sending both men down. Edge goes off the top and ends up clotheslining Kurt when Chris escapes. Benoit throws Edge in, but his clothesline is ducked and he gets SPEERED. Edge wins! Kurt smiles evilly, and the commentators say he screwed Benoit. Technically…he never did anything but walk to ringside. Now he taunts Chris from the entrance, so I guess he is with the dark side.

I’m gonna do nicknames for this party sketch. I’m not gonna go redo the first one though…that’s for recappers, not rebeakers. I’LL TRADE YOU JOHN CENA FOR THAT RAW IS WOBUFFET SIGN is dressed like Vanilla Ice. He “raps” at SOME GUY. It is meant to be humorously bad, so of course it just comes out bad. Kidman is dressed like THE FAGBOY OF THE OPERA. I really should stop calling everyone fags…oh, but not now. Chuck is CHIEF CHUCK OF THE PALUMBO NATION. Somewhere, Billy is either a cop or a construction worker or you get the idea. I’m pretty sure it was intended anyway. Torrie Wilson appears in a Zena outfit she may have made from garbage bags, so she’s ZENA: WHITE TRASH PRINCESS. I’d use that Zena rip-off from WOW as her name, but I forget what it was. Anyway, this scares TRAVOLTA YOSHIRI so badly, he decides to hit on what is obviously Mae Young in a Marilyn Monroe outfit with her back to him. She turns around and SHOCKING SWERVE turns out to be Mae Young in a Marilyn Monroe outfit. MAE OLD LOL!1! is of course hanging with Moolah, who is dressed like Wilma Flinstone’s mother. Or maybe she is WILMA FLINTSTONE’S MOTHER. Because she’s OLD. And apparently a cartoon. Actually, she was on Hulk Hogan’s Rockin’ Wrestling as the only lady heel, wasn’t she? But I mustn’t get distracted, or I’ll miss LAWYER SLUT dressed as a COP SLUT entering with YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED DENNIS MITCHELL. Hoorah. Mr. Wilson had a costume but I forget what it was.

Commercials. Help Sly Cooper escape Nazis. And Jarred. Jarred Nazis. OMG!! Gundam models!! THE RETURN OF BUDDHIST~!!

Benoit, angered by replays of losing to Edge due to Angle, hunts for the Olympic Hero at the party. He leaves without discovering Angle was disguised as the guy from I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER BUT I’M GONNA KILL YOU ANYWAY. No, wait, that guy is from Scream. Well, screw it, I don’t have a joke for that.

SOME GUY DRESSED AS A CAVEMAN asks ICH HEISSE BROKKUS who he’s supposed to be. The concept of Halloween is beyond Brok. POLLY POCKET(MONSTER) now takes Brok aside, and confides in Brok that he can’t beat the Big Show. Wait, I mean he says Brok can’t beat the Big Show. Considering that Booker T beat Big Show clean, and Christopher Nowinski beat Booker on the last RAW, I think we can safely assume that Christopher Nowinski will be the next WEE/World/Unified/Whatever Champion. Brok looks hurt.

Commercials. I tried to pick up GTA:VC today, but all they had was Hitman 2. FUNK DAT SHIT BIOTCH~!!

Last week’s shitty Raw defection of the week was Big Show eating Rikishi.

SHOWKISHI is out to face THE ASS OF LIFE as part of the WEE’s understandable but still disheartening efforts to bring RAW and Smackdown back to equal footing. Rikishi kicks Show, but Show slaps him and they go outside and there’s headbutts and butt-attacks and Show gets 2 off a clothesline. Stupid. Now Show removes a turnbuckle pad and throws Rikishi into it, and Rikishi actually hits the exposed steel! That was the first time that ever worked in wrestling history, maybe. Now Show scoops Rikishi up, and damn, that strolling powerslam was impressive. Now he finishes it with the chokeslam. Well, he’s strong, I’ll give him that. Tazz keeps saying, “a different Big Show!” It’s all he can do to choke back the phrase, “He’s not crappy anymore!” Anyway, Show wins, then tries to call out Brok (whom he calls “little man.”)

Commercials. Yeah, Luigi’s heel beatdown is definitely on Yoshi. Yoshi is to Mario as Hurricane is to Kane, and Mario has sex with corpses. Then they do some more commercials, and hit me with Mario Party 4 again. I think UPN is taunting TNM.

We’re back, and THE BIG SHOW (w/JOHN BOY and BILLY) is still in the ring. He says Smackdown won’t continue until Brok comes out (get the tear gas!) Then he shows footage of Taker being thrown “spine first” into a bunch of padding. Brok is apparently “a child.” Brok can’t beat Big Show, Paul Wight, or a Giant. Looks like they’ve finally realized “Big Show” was the stupidest name they could possibly have given him. BABY BROK comes out to stare up at Show. Brok agrees that Show is a Giant… “a giant piece of” long pause “bleep!” Show leaves, dejected. No wait, he stops to say that he’s been advised not to beat Brok up until Survivor Series. Ok. Bye! Wait, first he tells us he’s gonna do something to Brok that’s never been done before. OMG BIG SHOW WILL JOB TO BROK IN A POKEMON BATTLE! Then he wins the promo.

Torrie is still dressed all slutty. Ok, I went to wowe.com, a url I remember due mostly to the weirdness of that e, and the Xena rip-off was “Tanja, Warrior Woman.” Her date of birth is “Once upon a long time ago.”

Commercials. This WWF Anthology commercial features Gangrel. Dayom. Here’s Mario Party 4 again, with it’s stupid unplaceable accent announcer. But he’s better than that caroling greyhound.

The streets belong to us, thanks to the Lugz Boot of the Week, which is Dawn Marie making out with Mr. Wilson. That makes sense, because…

Our Trick or Treat match will feature OFFICER SLUT vs DOMINATRIX HEIDI. I got that from Michael Cole, but it actually works. I’m assuming she’s supposed to be Xena. Dawn Marie eats some whipped cream, so Cole says he’s like to be that whipped cream. Michael Cole wants to turn Dawn Marie cannibal. Anyway, two hot chicks in fetish gear roll around in chocolate. The ref goes in too. Just as I’m about to write it off, Torrie gets a verticle-suplex in the chocolate. Chops are exchanged. Tazz says this is a “stiff match-up.” You can’t even see, as the cameras are covered in junk. Dawn Marie falls out of the pool, and gets pinned. For some reason, Torrie pitches Tony Chimel in. We get a replay of that. Why?

DISCO TAJIRI is being accosted by EVE and ROSE KENNEDY (Mae and Moolah, natch) at the Halloween party. THE SIX DOLLAR BURGER MAN turns out the lights, plays his music, enters, and demands child porn. Mae ends up kissing Tajiri, which is not funny. Mae Young is not funny. That’s right, I’m taking a stand!

Commercials. Wow…I was too white to understand any of that UPN commercial. This reminds me of the horribly racist alternative version of the UPN acronym a friend of mine came up with. I should most certainly not relate it. The P was for “porch.”

Here’s some crap from Resurrection. They thank Ireland, and a bunch of other countries like Wales and Scotland and…someplace else. But they said Ireland first.

E&C talk to STEPHANIE MCMAHON-HELMSLEY-SATAN (cause them Wikkans be married to Satan or whatever.) Then OR IF YOU DON’T WANT TO PART WITH THE RAW IS WOBBUFFET SIGN, I’M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS arrives and raps about how Vince McMahon is waiting in Steph’s office. Steph leaves and people laugh at Cena. Holy shit, is that ALBERT IN A TOGA!?!?

PORK BISCUIT (who always got more Halloween candy than his brothers and some crap about Friday the 13th) vs TAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIRI. I guess they couldn’t sign Bubba Ray Dudley for a one-time only Great Pumpkin match with Yoshi. Matt gets an arm drag, then celebrates. Matt and Tajiri exchange head and hammerlocks until bridging and armdragging and up-kipping occurs. Tajiri mocks Matt’s pose from earlier. Matt gets a roll-up for 2, and starts telling the crowd he came “this close.” Big kick by Tajiri sends Matt out. Tajiri with an Asai moonsault. Yoshi slides him in, people run around, and Matt gets a sideslam. That’s what I’ll call it, anyway. Matt with some rope-assisted choking. Clubbing forearms in the corner. Tajiri fights his way out, but gets raked in the eyes. Matt hot-shots Tajiri, drops an elbow, and goes for the cover as Tazz tells us about his Uncle and his forties. Matt slaps on some kinda weird nerve hold, but he cheats or something. I dunno, this match slowed way down when Matt took over. He is no longer my Hurricane, I will not complain when he disappears without reason. Matt gets a slam, but misses his legdrop. Everyone lies around for awhile, then Yoshi gets a sweet seated dropkick to take over. More kicking by Tajiri. We get a replay of the missed legdrop that obscures an actual move. Tajiri tries to sunset-flip Matt…Matt leans forward…so Tajiri bridges out and kicks Matt’s head off from behind. That was sweet. It only gets 2. Tazz says it would have been an upset. How…exactly? Tajiri goes for the Tarantula…but Matt turns around and counters it into some kinda crazy backsuplex. Nice. A cover gets 2. Matt misses with a punch, and it gets turned into the Tarantula! Matt ducks a kick and sets up the Twist of Orientation! Tajiri hooks his arms and tries to backslide him, but Matt gets a low blow. A really low blow…looks like it got Yoshi’s knee. Anyway, Yoshi sells it as a crotch-shot. Matt gets the Twist and the win.

EVIL WITCHY HOOTERS confronts some guy in a shitty Vince McMahon mask. Apparently, this mask COMPLETELY FOOLED JOHN CENA. I now offer John Cena for some “Die Another Day” commercials. Whoever this is (Bischoff,) they aren’t even trying to do his voice…and SHOCKING SWERVE it turns out to be BRUNT: F.C.A. For some reason, he starts making out with her. She tries to fight it, but his lumpax or however one spells the ear-lobe rubbing thing Ferengis like are too good and she succumbs. This is pointless, random and gross! The trifecta!

Commercials. Oh BUDDHIST~!!, you have denied us your basement-dwelling Asian ho presence for too, too long. Build a model for me! Also, the Metal Vengeance Arena. I just love the way a cancelled highlight show and a shitty payperview got their own expensive WEE toys.

Our Fresh Subway Thingie of the night is last week’s main event. How that’s “fresh,” I don’t know.

SUBMIT will face EDDIE MOED MY LAWN with his lime-green trunks. Eddie talks trash at Angle, makes title-belt motions, taunts a ringside fan…the whole rigmarole. Angle gets a waistlock, so Eddie flees for the ropes. “Eddie Sucks” chant already. Angle snares a headlock, Eddie fights out, and Angle gets the best of some off-the-ropes exchanges. Angle gets a double-leg pick-up and just drops Eddie behind him. Eddie flees the ring, rightfully pissed. Tazz talks up Latino Heat to the point where he feels he needs to remind us he isn’t gay. Eddie tries to grab the leg, gets out-wrestled, and goes to the ropes. Eddie with some illegal CLOSED FISTS on the break, then he stomps away on Kurt in the corner. Kurt explodes out of the corner with a clothesline, then gets a running elbow. He wins another off-the-ropes exchange with a flying forearm, but Eddie suckers him into a charge and drop toe-holds him into the buckles. Nice back-suplex by Guerrero. Eddie choking with his foot in the corner, then pounding him with punches and elbows. Headlock by Eddie elicits a “let’s go Angle” chant. Kurt starts to get up, elbows his way out, and sends Eddie to the ropes. Both men collide, but Angle is off-balance so Eddie snags another headlock. Tazz…calls it a crossface lock…it is kinda weird-looking. Kurt fights out again, this time catching Eddie off the ropes with a powerslam. Kurt charges again, and Eddie uses the drop toe-hold again. Guerrero with a dropkick to Kurt’s bald noggin, then back to choking. The ref makes him break the choke, so Cole wants to give him “big ups.” Tazz rides Cole, as well he should. More choking by Eddie. Angle ends up on the apron, so Eddie suplexes him in. A cover gets a 2 count. Another chinlock by Eddie. Angle fights his way back out, but Eddie sends him back down and gets a scissors headlock. Eddie uses the ropes for leverage, and Tazz wants to know where the ref’s ups are now. You know…they’ve been resting more than usual in this one. As soon as I say it, Ankle somehow rolls him over and gets the Anglelock, but Eddie kicks right out. Eddie snapmares Kurt, then dropkicks him in the back of the head! Eddie pounding away on Kurt in the corner, then starts dancing. Cole complains about his “juking and jiving,” and I think “no wasted motion” may finally be over. Eddie tries for a suplex, so of course Kurt reverses and gets a helluva release German! Eddie landed on his stomach. Both men slow to rise, and Kurt takes over with clotheslines. Big back body-drop by Kurt. He ducks something and sets up a German, but Eddie escapes. Kurt gets a bellytobelly instead. Kurt charges, but Eddie kicks him in the gut. Kurt goes behind anyway, and scores all three LOLing Germans. Why haven’t I been using that? Anyway, Eddie kicks out at 2, so Kurt pulls off the straps and tries for the Angleslam! Eddie…rolls him up to escape, but Angle kicks out and clotheslines him down. Angle charges into an elbow, then wanders into a tornado DDT! Angle kicks out at 2.9999. Eddie yells “orale,” then goes for the Laso from El Paso. Ankle sells for a few seconds, then counters to the Anglelock! Eddie reaches the ropes. Kurt goes for a waistlock from behind, so Eddie pulls the ref in to distract him while Ric Flair’s old trick knee kick. Tazz thinks he was inspired by “Mattitude.” “Brainbuster-like verticle suplex.” Eddie is feeling froggy, but Kurt shoves the ref into the ropes! Hahaha…the fans may be cheering him, but he’s still OMG HEEL. I WIPED runs down the rampway, but Angle meets him and takes him down. Now he charges to armdrag the still stunned Eddie off the turnbuckle, but SO LOOOOOONELY nails him with the tag title belt! Eddie scores the Lone Star Frog Splash for the win! Eddie looks thrilled that he has Benoit’s rather tepid friendship back, but Chris clocks him with the belt! There’s one for Chavo. Oh Chris, you have such a pretty smile! He has a new haircut, and celebrates by making himself THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH. Ok…let’s go to commercial…this music really sucks. Wasp’s version was better.

Commercials. Godfather’s theme is on Anthology for some reason. And what does that “White Rabbit” song have to do with fighting the Red Faction, or being the Red Faction, or whatever Red Faction 2 is about?

One last party sketch. Angle doesn’t wanna let anyone leave (not even NAILZ HOLLY) until he’s found Benoit. SUPER SHO is hanging around, I forgot to mention him earlier. Shannon Moore gets picked on. Now Angle sees someone in the Scream outfit. He figures it’s either Benoit or former WCW Champion David Arquette, and both deserve beatings. It turns out to be BROTHER LOVE. Well, ok. Angle says, “What the Hell are you doing here?” At first I thought he said “who the Hell are you?” which was way cooler. Benoit attacks from behind, and they end up destroying each other. Even Brother Love can’t make them believe in the power of love.

Commercials. Truth is gonna drive me to smoking, I swear to God.

Moments ago, things were “surreal.” Tazz: “Exactly what I thought happened happened.”

RAYE JUNIOR (w/CHAD and GRANDPA) will now be eaten by BROK MAD (w/ABOUT TO GET FIRED BY BROK.) Remember Raye, if things get rough, use the anti-ghost stickers. Raye rushes between Brok’s legs, tricks the big oaf into chasing him, and gets a legdrop on Brok as Brok slides into the ring. Brok catches him and sends him to the corner, but stupidly charges. Raye tries a roll-up, but Brok is too big, and Junior barely escapes a stomp. Brok gives some more chase, as Raye flees under the ring. Brok thinks he’s behind the steps, so he kicks them (OMG HIS FOOT COULD BE DESTROYED) but Raye snuck up behind him with a top-rope crotch attack! Brok pops right back up, so Raye tries a crotch-attack off the apron. Brok catches him easily and sends him ribs-first into the corner post. Both men should have been counted out by now, says the smark in me. Brok breaks the count, then rolls Raye in (um…what?) to stand around looking scary. Brok pulls Raye up, stretches Raye’s back across his (Brok’s) shoulder for awhile, and finally slams him. Next, he grabs Raye by the throat, tosses him up in the air, catches him, then tosses him from a bellytobelly position. Raye goes halfway across the ring, but Brok didn’t even land on his back. Brok finally gets stupid again and misses a corner charge, allowing Raye to get a version of the 11235, then dropkicking Lesnar into position for the 25 or 6 to 4! Unfortunately, this is when HEY BIG MAN, LEMMIE HOLD A DOLLAR shows up to grab Raye and chuck him into the cheap seats (with recent ratings slumps, those would be the third row ahchachacha.) Brok tries to attack, but Show sends him into the corner, then sortakinda chokeslams him into a table. Well, hey, there’s another match with a NEW WINNER. At least we all know the Show push is a joke.

Final thoughts: For a holiday show, that kinda sucked. I guess they can’t all be that one RAW Christmas show.