R and S and V and P, please come to the Commitment Ceremony! Damn that sucked.

In the spirit of love, let’s see a montage of Paul Heyman being creepy and messing with Taker’s tiny, undead head. Everytime Taker threateningly murmurs “Paul,” I keep waiting to hear Bearer shriek “OH YEEEEEEEES!”

Hey, there, Bill and Chucky,
Why not auction those panties!
I predict with certainty,
An undead bid from Liberace!

The Commitment Ceremony is “still to come,” as it was not the pre-credits Taker montage.

This is the “season premiere,” as the time between RAW and Smackdown this week was apparently the off-season. Here comes BROK EAT POKEMON WATCHERS (w/POLLY DANGEROUSLY) who gets booed. Tazz seems oddly surprised. SPARKY HARDCORE PLUG is out to die. They exchange punches until Brok decides it’s suplex time. Hardcore stays on his stomach and goes to the ropes to avoid jobbing in like five seconds. If Brok isn’t careful, he may get some of his hair shaved. Brok does his happy dance, and Holly tackles him out of the ring. Brok takes over with brawling again, gets sent into the corner, suplexed on the floor, etc. Back in the ring, and Brok covers for 2. Tazz thinks Brok is smart to cover early against a guy like Holly (cuz he just might win.) Brok works Holly over in the corner, but eats a punch and decides to go for a clothesline while doing a sort of leg trip and…frankly…it was pretty much the BROK BOTTOM! BROK BOTTOM! BROK BOTTOM! Brok does a delayed verticle suplex, then allows Bob to do some punches before getting the BEARHUG OF HULK KILLING +2. Holly starts to elbow out (Haha you suck Hulk) so Brok back-suplexes him. Now Brok misses a charge, but swats away Holly’s supah dropkick. Brok tries for something…Holly slips out…Brok kicks him low and sets up a powerbomb…and…gingerly drops Holly right on his head! Well shit, that didn’t look right. I’m gonna assume Holly used some SECRETS OF PRO WRESTLING top-secret double-fudge bat signal to let Brok know he’s alright, because Brok swats at Bob’s head with his foot after that! That’s just cold. Now Brok sets up for another powerbomb, but Holly punches out and gets his dropkick! Ah…that was what was meant to happen. Brok ends up leaning on the top rope, so Holly gives him his trademark and completely illegal kick to the nutz right in front of the ref. That will be the high-water mark for Bob, as after escaping a Holly ruthless roll-up Brok gets the F-18 and the win. And now we see why Brok is the wrestler of the future: he sells being kicked in the nuts as he celebrates the win. My apologies to Alexandria York and her computer.

Now CORPSE and NECK TATOO (w/UNBORN BABY) appear for our viewing pleasure.

Commercials. Street Hoops should be about hula-hoops. That would be cool.

Our Boot of the Week gives us control of the streets by sticking Eddie Guerrero’s face into Rikishi’s ass. Cole asked if Eddie wanted salsa with that, which I missed last week because I was screening out retarded racist crap.

THE EL PASO WRECKING CREW are out to represent the fine Guerrero/Anderson/Funk/Briscoe/Hollys/Beverlys
/Whatever Edge and Christian’s Last Name Is family tag team tradition. I left out the Hardyz cause they’re fake, and the Dudleyz because I can. Fans have signs that claim Eddie is a taco who mows lawns. Tazz fails to refer to Blockbuster as a rocketbuster. STINKFACE TRAFFIC DIRECTOR and BABY BLUE get jumped as they enter the ring. Whoa…Baby Blue is wearing royal colors this week. In honor of the eternally ignored “John Cena in a cute little Undertaker sidecar” joke, I hereby dub him KING SIDECAR. Chavo holds Cena at bay while Eddie works over Edgie, but the faces take over and clean house soon enough (Edge with an Electric Chair Toss and a facebuster, Cena with clotheslines.) Eddie and Cena end up starting, with Cena working over the mullet until Eddie starts wrestling. A wristlock gets weird when the Guerreros double-team, but eventually Edge clotheslines them both. Now the ref pooh-poohs Edge while Chavo pulls the ropes down to send Cena outside. The cousins stomp Cena for awhile before pitching him back in so Chavo can work him over. Awkward double-teaming in the corner, with Eddie coming in to get press-slammed. Apparently Red Hook is abuzz about the ghey wedding. Cena goes for another press-slam, but Chavo clips the leg. A race for the double-tag leads to Edge whooping up everyone. He gets Chavo into the face corner for a SPEER, but Eddie gets Edge’s feet and crotches him horizontally against the post. Chavo decides that the dickish thing to do would be to dropkick Edge’s face, which is still on the mat. If you don’t love the Guerreros, you don’t have a soul. Tazz accuses Cole of checking to see if Edge is wearing a cup. He basically just said, “your latent homosexuality is off da hook!” Tag to Eddie, whom Cole notes shows “little wasted motion.” You fuckwad. Eddie, of course, immediately starts his little “get up and hit me” dance, WASTING MOTION! Chavo comes in behind the ref’s back, stomps ONCE, then leaves. What a dick. Eddie busts out a top-rope hurricanrana-type-thing. Tazz is losing it talking about how much Eddie hates Edge. Now Eddie tags in Chavo, who slingshots in just to knee Edge. Edge charges into a nasty knee-lift from Chavo. You should be taking notes, Hunter. But of course Edge takes over eventually, with his facebuster. Edge goes to tag Cena as Chavo tags Eddie, Eddie rushes in to attack, and Cena sidesteps him and punches him down while still on the apron for the tag! Props to the kid, who tags in and dominates with back body drops and forearms and stuff. He gives Eddie whatever his finisher is, but Chavo saves. Chavo eats a top-rope clothesline from Edge, then gets the corner SPEER! Edge goes for the SPEER on Eddie, but the senior Guerrero sidesteps and Edge flies out of the ring. Cena has Chavo up for a verticle suplex, but Eddie pulls Chavo down and punches Cena so Chavo can get the brainbuster! Chavo nows poses happily as Eddie nails the Lone Star Frog Splash for an easy 3. Chavo hung around with his fists up looking for Edge during the cover. This rules so much. Now John Cena fades into another dimension (wish him back, ok?) as Chavo suggests to Eddie that they give Edge a Guerrero Stinkface! Chavo pulls his trousers down so Eddie can plant Edge into the family speedos, so of course Edge counters and sends Eddie into Chavo’s ass. As silly as it sounds, the look of shock on Chavo’s face sold it, as did him tripping on his downed trousers when he tries to chase Edge. Eddie and Chavo are some kind of Telemundo version of Edge and Christian.

Commercials. “Stealing Harvard” is all about going to a school that teaches you “lame” and “cane” do NOT rhyme. TNM must have gone there.

Let’s watch what just happened again.

Backstage, Eddie goes insane and screams at Chavo. Chavo: “I wiped!” We close with the classic line, “It was my face Holmes!”

Now Undertaker picks on some interview guy. Then Matt Hardy shows up to be nice to him, chatting about how his girlfriend is Andrew (he may have said “injured.”) But he touches Undertaker so he gets shoved into a door. He does not say, “Undertaker, you beat my ayass!” He does make a mental note to give 2 points to his intelligence Mattribute the next time he levels up.

Now JUDGE RICO is on his cell phone being stressed at the cake people (they come from the Land of Cake!) He’s wearing a red, white and blue pin because he’s a PATRIOT! “We’re not exactly what you’d call…human.” I am way off-topic. Anyway, he convinces SCREECH to witness the wedding, even though she’s had bad luck with these fake in-ring weddings before. Quit pretending those sideburns didn’t feel great.

Commercials. Something’s “amuck” in Paradise AHAHAHAHA! Quit wasting our drinking water, you crazy Wop. Oh, and Bubba is still pimping the new, “Heart Attacks Are Optional” Stacker 2.

MISS HENDERSON’S THIRD GRADE CLASS PRESENTS KURT ANGLE, THE MUSICAL. Tazz yells “AMERICA AMERICA” for some reason. Angle says that it’s cool we’re here in “Mini,” and he has a match with Raye Jr. Tazz hates short people (Tazz you just stole my heart.) The fans are chanting “What?” Angle should just blurt out, “You know Austin left you fans, right?” He talks trash about Benoit to a “You suck” chant. If Benoit ever laughs at him again, there will be two holy unions tonight: Billy and Chuck, and Chris’ face with Kurt’s first. Um…”holy?” Now Kurt accidentally says he loves to play with little boys, manhandle them, and get on top of them. It’s kinda funny, but only because Kurt has pulled off worse. Also, some fan has a “Freddy” sign. Alert Lita immediately!

Commercials. I love the fact that when Jackie Chan sends James Brown flying in that commercial for the Tuxedo, Brown apparently goes “Yeow!”

The Tuxedo ought to be a pretty cool movie, actually.

What?

You waiting for a joke of some kind?

OLYMPIC CHILD MOLESTER vs RAYE JUNIOR (w/CHAD and GRANDPA) Eww…the child molestation joke becomes that little bit more sinister when I insist on using Misterio to slip a reference to Sailor Mars in every rebeak. Kurt is kocky. Konfident. Kooky. As Raye enters, Cole suggests that we “get ready for a roller coaster ride.” Kurt shows Raye up with amateur stuff, including that bit where you get on the guys back and paintbrush his head. Raye escapes something, and gives Kurt a fireman’s carry. Kurt shoves Raye, Raye slaps Kurt, and we get a humorous chase ending with Kurt flying out of the ring. Stuff happens before Raye gets a springboard into a slingshot moonsault. Angleslam attempt, but Raye armdrags out. His matches are too damn fast to recap, you end up watching it three times over. Anyway, Raye eventually eats a release German with Raye landing on his stomach. Kurt starts working over the ribs. Tazz wins my heart again by pointing out that Kurt is working the ribs because Raye landed on his gut after that suplex. Raye gets a flying kick, but Kurt comes back with another toss, then slaps on a body scissors. Kurt works it for awhile before Raye gets him in a pinning predicament. Kurt releases, ducks an Ehnzoogweeree, then gets rolling Germans, stretched out for time and tension. But Rey kicks his legs like nuts and turns the third suplex into a bulldog, and both men struggle up. Raye charges Kurt and gets vaguely backdropped, but Raye lands on the top turnbuckle and moonsaults! It gets a long 2. Kurt gets knocked outside and eats a corkscrew dive over the top rope! Back in the ring, Ankle counters a cover with the Anglelock, but Raye escapes, drop toe-holds Angle into the ropes, and gets the 1872K or whatever. HLA! I mean, WCP! Angle sidesteps it, and eats a hurricanrana. Angle cuts out at 2.999999999. Cole doesn’t know how much these warriors have left. Raye goes up top, but Angle rushes in to Angleslam him off the top. Well yeah, that’ll pretty much do it. Tazz: “There is only one Kurt Angle.”

A limo arrives. That’s it.

Commercials. Next week on Danzaiver the Ultimate Hero: “Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever.” Watch out girls, smoking puts hair on your upper lip. And your chest. And your palms.

Our Smack of the Night is Rikishi smaking his ass into Angle’s face, and Benoit…symbolically smacking Angle through his laughter. Laughter can hurt.

SO LOOOOONELY vs THE ASS OF LIFE. Flippin’ Cole says Benoit’s new wuss music is “off the hook,” and that he listens to it while “working out.” Hey Cole: walking from your office to the car is not working out. Tazz does not know the word “salvo.” After some back and forth, Rikishi takes over with a sit-out fat attack. Benoit leans on the ref for support, but mule kicks Rikishi low while he does it. That rules. Anyway, Benoit chops Rikishi down like a fat Samoan tree and gets the Crossface, but he doesn’t quite get the grip and Rikishi powers out. Rikishi presses him into the air and catches him with a Diamond Cutter! Bang. He tries to set up the American-Samoa drop, but Benoit gets to his feet, gets Rikishi on his shoulders, and...Jesus Christ. He’s carries Rikishi around on his shoulders, then falls back to slam him into the mat. As Tazz reminds us, Benoit just recently returned from being out with a broken neck! Benoit must be listening to his own music a lot while working out…though it must be in his private gym, since he’s so loooooonely. Benoit pulls his thumb across his throat, and the fans mark out in spite of themselves. Benoit goes up top, but King Kurtis is out to knock him down for the DQ. Kurt tries to Angle Slam Rikishi, but gets fat-ass kicked. Rikishi crushes Benoit in the corner, in prime Stinkface position, and Tazz starts talking about Canadian bacon. I’m not a big Canadian bacon fan, but I doubt rather seriously that Rikishi’s ass tastes like that. Anyway, Rikishi goes into his weird, kabukiesque turns and poses before Angle grabs Benoit’s arms to prevent him from escaping the Stinkface. If the Benoit/Angle rivalry continues, Rikishi’s winning percentage will soar.

Commercials. If you have polygonal blood, you WILL summon polygonal dinosaurs. And don’t miss an exclusive preview of the upcoming Star Trek movie. Unless, of course, you aren’t a huge geek.

Not that I’m not a geek, but….anyways…

We’re still getting intermittent boos as they set up for the big ceremony. Come on guys! It’s all about (man)love!

Benoit demands a match with Kurt from Stephanie. She agrees. Matt demands a match with Undertaker, but finds out that Matt doesn’t demand anything from her. Uh…well, it’s cool when the fans cheer and Matt looks off into space ala the Rock. Anyway, he gets a match with the Undertaker….TONIGHT! He “guarantees” victory. THERE’S THAT WORD AGAIN!

LASH LEROUX 2 comes out in ghey tux to gheyly be nervous about the ghey wedding. He criticizes the singers’ dresses and hair, notes that the…whatever you call those wooden outdoorsy things they strew vines on isn’t made of mahogany, complains that the flowers are pansies (OMG PANSEES LOL!) and not tulips or something, and generally just kicks copious amounts of ass. He even asks why the minister is so old. If he hadn’t called the garland “garlic,” it would have been Panty Perfect. Or maybe he is trying to keep vampires at bay. THE “D” ON THE GRAVE IS FOR “DRACULA!”

Commercials. These quesadillas are 4 dimensional, so I guess they move forward in time.

We’re back with Rico and CAN I HAVE A WITNESS. Rico makes a little speech, promising that Billy and Chuck will go where no men have gone before. Well…homosexuality isn’t exactly new. The singers do a shitty cover of “It’s Raining Men” as BRIDAL BILLY and CHASTE CHUCK do a pretty standard intro (other than the tuxedos, and the personalized cummerbunds.) I hope this wasn’t meant to reduce the boos. Anyway, amongst other vaguely possible special guests who have not appeared are: Road Dogg, Chyna, Bart Gunn, Sunny, Coach Nash, or any of the Natural Born Thrillas. It would really rule to see Lex Luger attack Chuck for stealing the Total Package gimmick. Now the annoying, over-acting “decrepit” Justice of the (Gay) Peace (who appears to be the GRAND NEGIS OF THE FERENGI TRADE FEDERATION [me=geek]) invites Billy and Chuck to read their own vows. Chuck goes first. “Billy, when I first met you, the only thing I knew was that you were a great tag team competitor, and well, and your name, was Mr. Ass. But Bill, now it’s more than, than Mr. Ass. Bill, I know you’ve won the tag team gold on, on numerous occasions, but Billy, now you’ve captured something even more, something greater, something unbelievable. Billy, you’re captured my heart.” Rico swoons. This kicks so much (gay) ass. Billy: “Chuck, damn that was corny! Even for you! ‘Captured your heart!’ Come on! But seriously, that’s what makes you so special. And that’s why, I’m happy, to ask you to be my tag-team partner…(boos as he puts on the ring)…permanently!” Rico: “That was wonderful! Just wonderful!” Now we get a montage by Rico called “Our Love Story” that consists of the very best of Billy and Chuck looking gay. The calender posing contest and the OMG HEEL~!! Christmas Party are included, as was the “you broke my weiner” bit. Memories…in the corners of my mind… Anyway, more boos. Rico is tearing up despite the boos. Justice of the Peace dude says, “If there is anyone here, who is of the opinion, that these two people, should not commit themselves to each other, speak now (hold for boos) or forever, hold your peace.” Rico signals to the crowd to “shh.” Heh. And…here comes THE SUPREME PIMPING MACHINE. The last time we saw him, he was sort of kind of turning heel by being mean to his “escorts,” and no one cared. Tazz: “I love trains!” Godfather: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but when I heard there was a party going on here, I knew that Minneapolis Minnesota was(pause for cheap pop) was the next stop for the HOOOOOOOOOOO TRAIN!” Loser. “So let the good times roll, because the Godfather, is back in business! Now Rico, I the Godfather does dig your fashion sense (pause while Rico brushes lint off his lapels,) but I can’t let that stop me, from stopping this ceremony.” Rico: “What!?” Godfather: “Because the truth must be heard! Billy! Billy, what happened? Man, I know that you still got the pimp in you man! Billy, I remember, hehe, that these fine fine fine fine fine fine fine ladies used to like you so much that I had to ask you to stay away, because the cookies, were givin’ up too much free nookie! And Chuck. What’s up with your image? You were one of the great legendary skirt-chasers of all time dog! You were one of the bad-ass Palumbo Brothers! You weren’t too particular though. Well you see, old Chucky P, he used to like the heftier ladies of the stable if you know what I mean. But listen here guys guys guys listen, at least let me ask one question. What in the hizell is goin’ on here!?” Rico: “You just hold on a minute there buddy! I will not take this interruption! And I’ll tell you another thing! Nobody in this building wants to see you, and your…your…your goodtime girls! So please removeth thyself from the building. And if you don’t do it, I’ll have security do it for me! Andale!” Rico is God. Or perhaps a Greek god. One of the gayer ones. Rico shushes the suddenly perturbed Billy and Chuck. Goodfather works in “Ho Train” and leaves. I hope the old dude’s hand is shaking because of Alzheimer’s, and not just cuz he’s a freak. Anyway, the JotP asks Billy if he commits himself. Billy looks freaked out, and finally says “Yes.” Then he asks Chuck. Rico tells Chuck to do it. Chuck mutters “Rico,” then eventually says “Yes” all stagey-like. The JotP is just about to pronounce them husband and husband when the Palz flip out. Chuck: “What are you doing, what are you thinking, this wasn’t supposed to happen this way, it wasn’t supposed to go this far Rico!” MY HEART IS BREAKING! WHY CHUCK, WHY? Anyway, Billy jumps in “angrily.” “Come on Rico, what the Hell is this! This was all just supposed to be a publicity stunt! Hey, we’re not gay! I mean, we got nothing against gay people…” The crowd cheers. Tazz says, “There’s a lot of gay people here.” Billy finishes with, “As a matter of fact if I was gay I probably would marry Chuck. But that guy right there ain’t pronouncin’ us nothin’!” Rico flips out at how they’ve ruined his hard work, but is interupted by the Justice of the Peace, who starts a little speech. “Stop gentlemen, gentlemen stop! Stop, stop, stop! I have been a Justice of the Peace for a long time, and there is one thing I know, and that’s that a commitment is a very special thing. The bond that Chuck and Billy have is sacred, and that will never change.” Rico: “Never change” Justice of the Peace: “It doesn’t matter if it lasts fifty years, sixteen months, or three minutes.” Ah shit. EVIL KEN DOLL: “Wait a minute, did I just hear myself say three minutes?” Sure enough, he pulls off his face (I’m gonna take his face, OFF!) and it’s Bischoff! OMG SWURVE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Aparently we are to believe that the wedding was staged by Smackdown, except for this part which is real. Hell, I'll go along with it. Anyway, Billy charges Rico and gets kicked low. Chuck storms Rico as Bischoff grabs Steph, but here come MALCOLM JAMAL WARNER and ROSIE O’DONNEL to kill everyone. Billy and Chuck eat fat island death first, then Steph gets Samoan dropped. The locker room rushes out to save before they can do anything off the top, but the forces of evil escape unscathed.

I think Eddie put it best when he said, “What’s goin’ on, Holmes?”

Commercials. Also, the Fifth Element will be on UPN tomorrow, in case you want to watch a movie that really sucks. SPOYLAR the fifth element is love, and the sixth element is justice.

Well…what better time to plug the theme song of the next payperview?

Moments ago, we found out that one of the SEEKRITS OF RASSLIN is pretending to hunger for man-ass.

I just realized, Raw just stole Rico. FUXXORZ.

TORRIE WILSON, FEMINIST STRIPPER vs A TRUCKER’S DREAM IF I EVER DID SEE ONE. At one point Tazz told Cole to call the match, then Cole said “Torrie wins outta nowhere!” That’s all I got. Sorry.

Taker pats the UnderSara. Then Matt Hardy swerves us all by coming to the ring with Heyman and the Brokster.

Commercials. I missed this. Probably sold some crappy shoes.

Our X-TREEM Blast of the Night was Paul Heyman saying mean things to the Undertaker.

BAYUD MAYUTTITUDE (w/PRECIOUS PAUL HEYMAN and THE NEW 911) vs BIKER CORPSE. Heyman dances around on the apron to distract Taker, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Taker eventually starts beating the crap out of Matt. His powerslam plants Hardy, so now pretty little Hardy flowers will grow in the ring. The ref kicks out Heyman. Brok CHEATZ TO WIN, then he gets kicked out. Matt has taken the advantage, but he keeps stopping to grin like an idiot and pose. Taker eventually pushes out of the Twist of Orientation, and goes back to beating up Matt. Paul Heyman shows up on the monitor about as Taker hits Snake Eyes. Taker goes running to the back as Heyman tells MRS BOOGER RED he never realized just how attractive she was. He didn’t realize she was so…UGLY AHAHAHAA! Anyway, Taker arrives back there and threatens to rip Heyman’s head off, but Brok blindsides him and takes him down. Now Brok feels the pregnant Sara’s belly up, says “Life’s a bitch,” and fakes her out by pretending he’s about to crush her skull. You know, that Brok guy is kind of a jerk.

FINAL THOUGHTS: They are too gay.