The fan response for last week’s effort was truly overwhelming. I tried to resist the whelm, but there was far too much.
Also, I am very…very tired. I’m not gonna edit this. But that’s OK! You can have fun with it! Look for typos! Have a contest with your friends!
JOKE I FORGOT TO USE LAST WEEK: As far as the main event of Backlash goes, my money is on a certain wrestler with the initials “H-H-H” that smarks once loved and crucify without mercy now.
Christian is beautiful. But then again, so is Rikishi.
We are on tape from Peoria Illinois. Also, we have Spanish-language broadcasting for all you SAPs.
Here comes ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS 2002, aka Hulk Hogan in yellow and red boas. My Dad happened to flip past this while I was around (I taped the show like some kinda recapping pro) and asked, “Wait, Hulk Hogan is still around? He looks kinda…” I said, “Kinda like gnawgehide.” My spellchecker doesn’t have any kinda suggestion on how to spell that, and damned if I’m looking it up for such a lame joke. Anyway, Hulk is saying shit so maybe I should take a second and look it up. Hulk knows he’d have won at Backlash whether Taker interfered or not, but his ego won’t be satisfied unless he offers a bait-and-switch rematch with Triple H, tonight! Then he says more stuff, but MANY H’s is out. My brother quips, “’In my day dude, we didn’t interrupt other people’s interviews brother! We respected our elders big man!’ What I’m getting at here is that Hulk is old, see?” Hulk has the manners not to attack H as he spits. Tonights Smackdown will just be these guys posing, nothing else. Hulk is about to leave the ring so he can come back out down the ramp. H sort of kind of accidentally says there’s no doubt in his mind that Hulk would have won whether or not Taker interfered. H says he was man enough to shake Hogan’s hand…but will Hogan shake his hand when he (H) gets a shot at Hulk and beats him? We’ll probably know eventually. ME VINCE MCMAHON comes out and tells everyone…EVERYONE to shut up. He makes the matches, he makes the best matches, he writes the songs. He asks the fans if they’d like to see Triple H vs Triple H for the title tonight? He does the Hogan ear-cup thing. They want to see that match. Well tough, cause they get Jericho vs Triple H for a shot next week instead. Vince mocks both men with poses and water-spitting before we go to break.
Commercials. A new, cleavagier edit of the Lita Stacker 2 commercial.
Our…Overdrive of the Night is Tajiri winning back his title at Backlash.
Somehow, I knew the Panty Pals would bring us back from the break. They are visited by Tajiri and Torrie. After some homoerotic hilarity and racist fun, Tajiri gets a red headband.
AL SNOW OF TOUGH ENOUGH, MAVEN OF TOUGH ENOUGH and BILLY KIDMAN NOT OF TOUGH ENOUGH vs YOSHIHIRO TAJIRI (w/Torriechan) and the PANTY PALS (w/Reeko.) Ok, by the time I’m done with introductions Kidman has had enough of outmanuevering Chuck, and tags in Maven. Maven off all three of his moves before eating a clothesline. Double-teaming and Billy gets the tag. Damn…that was an early Flameasser. Snow saves, but Tajiri gets tagged in. Nonsense outside of the ring, as Tajiri must abandon the match to yell at Torrie. Kidman does some cruiserweight stuff inside, but eventually he and Tajiri are both sent outside…leaving Al and Maven to pants both Panty Pals. Both are, of course, wearing thongs. Then Torrie pantseses Reeko, who is also in a thing and thus formally becomes a Panty Pal. Billy, Chuck and Reeko flee, inexplicably more embarassed by their thongs than they are by their normal attire. Back in the ring, Yoshi stupidly tries to powerbomb Kidman, cause he never watched Nitro. He deserves to get facebustered into the Shooting Star Press. Post match, Al and Snow put on Billy and Chuck’s tights, which is just creepy. They then do some wacky “we’re gay” pantomimes which is, by this point, quite unecessary.
Meanwhile, Kurt messes with some big local guy, offering him the new HUGE Kurt Angle shirt, half price. I didn’t get it.
Commercials. Blue Horseshoe Tattoo, home of weird-looking fat people, is not what we’ve “all” been looking for. It is, however, the “largest and cleanest” tattoo place to pay for a local ad in my area.
Stacey rubs Vince’s head. He’s interrupted by Randy Orton, the son of Cowboy Bob Orton Jr, who was the son of Cowboy Bob Orton. Vince wanders off, so Stacey acts all horny. Then she grabs his hand, puts in on her hip, and acts all offended and upset when Vince comes in. Vince punishes the kid for his transgression by giving him a match with Bob Holly. Yeah, with Big Show, Taker and Kane all on RAW, Vince is a little short on “punishment” wrestlers. This sketch really needed Dusty Rhodes shreiking “devilish woman!” constantly. Perhaps not.
Christian leads Test and the B-Squad into this week’s Test of Mark Henry’s Strength and My Patience. Christian has a cooking pan, and tells Henry to bend it. Thanks to the help of Coach Ffaarrooqq, he does. Then Test wants him to bend a bar, cause hey, why not? Henry does. Christian just keeps staring at the pan. Finally, Christian seals his fate by love-tapping Mark Henry with the bent pan.
Commercials. I can’t be bothered.
Tazz and Cole shill Scorpion King until BOB “MY FIRST NAME IS ‘HARDCORE’” HOLLY vs “COWBOY” BOB ORTON THE THIRD. Christian will be jobbing to Mark Henry tonight. Well, at least I’ll get to see his entrance. Anyway, Randy Orton starts out quick with all sortsa wrestling-type take-downs and go-behinds and armdrags and stuff, before Bob has had enough and starts with the brawling. Bob with, among other things, some nasty forearms across Randy’s chest. Randy responds by hot-shotting the trainer. Other things happen, and then Orton goes up top. Holly follows and brawls, but Orton pushes him off and gets a top-rope cross-body block! Holly rolls through for 2. Then he gets dumb and argues with the ref, and Orton gets the Oklahoma Roll for 3! I guess that music is his…
Kurt is talking to some photographer about his new shirt…but that wacky, silly Edge sneaks around behind him! Did he switch the shirt, perhaps? Or is some other form of mischievous tomfoolery afoot? Let’s find out, together!
Commercials. They make a goofy cartoon-type foley when Booker T tosses his robe aside in the Hungry Man commercial. No matter how many times I see it, I always notice something new and beautiful. GIT YO OWN, SUCKA!!
Here comes PLEASE CHANT “YOU SUCK” to reveal his new T-shirt, but I think he may be in for a surprise! He may be in for an Edgucation! Perhaps, an Edgetreme Edgucation in the art of…comedic edgecution! Kurt sez he loves all his fans, even the ones from hick towns like Peoria. He notes that Peoria sounds like a urinary infection. Then he talks about how cool he is for awhile, calls people fat…remember that time he had a baby Triple H monkey, whose bananas were “that damned good?” Oh, sorry, he’s going to reveal his T-shirt. Well, after the fans chant “What” instead of “You suck” in blatant defiance of Edge’s orders from two weeks ago. Speaking of Edge, here comes THAT FUN LOVIN’ EDGE. Cole wants to hear what Edge has to say. Tazz: “Of course you want to hear what Edge has to say, you’re a goof!” Cole says Angle can’t believe Edge would interrupt his time. I’d think Angle might have learned to expect that kind of thing from Edge by now. Anyway, Edge pretends he respects Kurt after Kurt beat him at Backlash. Kurt believes him, because Kurt is quite the gullible Olympian. They shake hands. Lots of Japanese photographers gather to help Yoko defeat Hulk, and to photograph the shirt. The shirt says, “You Suck,” which means that when Kurt wears it, he’s telling other people they suck. Or so you’d think. At any rate, Kurt is all pissed. Edge asks that Kurt’s music play, not so the fans will chant “You Suck,” but so Kurt’s broken heart will be mended by the knowledge that he won the promo.
This week on RAW, Triple H was the first man to show up on the show he isn’t supposed to be on! Who woulda thunk it? Well, everyone actually, but…
Cole: “Tonight, the passionate, emotional” Triple H faces Jericho. Hey, remember back when Triple H attacking someone with a sledgehammer made him “sick?”
Commercials. How many frickin’ copies of Grand Theft Auto 3 did they make!?!?
Our Smack of the Night is Mark Henry carrying a car. Now let’s see if Christian can carry a Mark Henry match.
SEXUAL CHOCOLATE (w/replay of earlier tonight) vs CHRISTIAAAAAAN, CHRISTIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!! Poor Christian. I ask the same “Henry test of strength inspired match” question as last week: how the heck did they clear the airtime for this when the dispute only occurred a few minutes ago! Anyway, Christian ducks a clothesline. Then he gets thrown out of the ring. Then he gets thrown into the ring, sorta. Then he gets run into. The he ducks a clothesline and gets run into again. Henry headbutts him and covers for two. Claw-hold by Henry, but Christian gets desperate and uses a low-blow to escape. Dropkick to the face, but an Unprettier attempt gets Christian flipped around into a bearhug. The gentle embrace, highlighted by Henry shaking Christian around a lot, ends when Christian submits. I hate Mark Henry.
Now Some Guy interview Chris Jericho. Jericho does his standard angry bitchfest, with a few odd highlights. He points out that Hunter held the Undisputed Title for four weeks to Jericho’s four month reign, and he claims he had a high fever at Wrestlemania. He also says “larger than life” a few times, but you probably guessed that.
Commercials. I have a feeling “The New Guy” won’t be very funny. Michael Clarke Duncan and the Rock have incredible chemistry, apparently. An incredible…incredible chemistry. They’re like soul-mates, I’m tellin’ ya.
I TRIED TO KILL STONE COLD, DON’T YOU IDIOTS REMEMBER? and THAT FUN LOVIN’ EDGE (whom Tazz calls “Happy Pappy” or something) vs AL BERT and YOU SUCK. Michael Cole sounds less than convincing as he talks about how funny that Edge/Kurt T-shirt thing was. Kurt and Edge do some stuff while I type, then Albert comes in to toss Edge around with Tiger Drivers and stuff. Edge escapes a Gorilla Press Slam, and gets speared! Angle breaks up the fall, and we get a brief Edge/Angle segment (which is totally illegal) before Edge tags in the Samoan with the killer wheels. Rikishi gets Kurt and Albert in the same corner and splashes them both, but neither fall onto their butts. Rikishi with the old Earthquake Sit-Down Splash on Albert, but Kurt makes the save. Now Edge takes Kurt out of the ring, freeing Rikishi to chuck Albert back into the corner. Al falls down, and Rikishi sets up for the Stinkface…but Angle is in. ANGLESLAM ON RIKISHI! Edge takes Angle out, Albert sets for the Albertbomb on Edge! Edge escapes with a lowblow (he and Christian are still brothers after all.) Anyway, Edge still gets sent out, more crap happens, and Albert gets the Albertbomb on Rikishi for 3. Albert’s music plays, but not for long. Albert puts Edge in a full-nelson so Angle can chair him, but Edge kicks the chair, low-blows Albert to free himself, trips and falls, grabs a chair, and kinda falls again as he chases the heels out of the ring. Clumsy and low-blow heavy it may have been, but it made his music play!
D-Von looks into a mirror. I hope he says something about Sin, so I can make a joke about summoning the final aeon!
Commercials. Booker T holds that Hungry Man just out of the guy’s reach. It’s like Tantalus! I think the Greek Gods used to put Ambrosia just out of people’s reach when they cheesed off Zeus by asking for his food. GIT YO OWN, SINNA!
DAT DAMNED DEACON D-VON DUDLEY is collecting money in the crowd. Then some guy steals the collection plate, so D-Von kicks the crap out of him. This woulda ruled if he’d been collecting for a few seconds before it was stolen, so I’d have had a chance to get bored.
Angle goes to see the big guy from earlier, who is wearing a “You Suck” shirt. Neither happens to run into Triple H, even though he’s walking around the very same backstage!
Commercials. Bob “Hardcore” Holly doesn’t have time for people who cry. He’s not real good with girls.
NOT DA CHAMP vs ALSO NOT DA CHAMP. OK, this Trip intro should give me plenty of time. I really hope Chris wins here. Hmm…come to think of it, I don’t feel like explaining my bias. I just want Chris to win. Come on HHHHHHH intro, end. Anyway, Trip wants to lock-up, but Jericho slides out. What a dick. Anyway, Chris back in with a cheapshot. Coupla’ forearms, and he’s whipping HHHHHHH out of the corner. H levels him with a shoulderblock, but then he drops his head and takes a boot. Now, as Michael Cole says, “this match has to take place in the ring,” H throws Jericho out. No one listens to Cole. Both men back in, and Trip sends Jericho into the post. And…again. H with lots of arm-wringing, and a single-arm DDT. Now he smashes Jericho’s arm into the post. Jericho sells the arm on the outside as H actually rolls in and out real quick to break the count! This would all be great psychology if I couldn’t promise you Jericho’s “injured” arm will play no part in the finish. So smarky tonight. Anyway, Jericho takes over again and brawls a bit. We cut to McMahon watching, saying stuff like “that’s it” to Jericho as…Jericho picks up H. That’s it, pick him up! H starts blocking punches, so Jericho goes to a sleeper. H always gets put into a sleeper. Anyway, H puts Jericho in a sleeper after awhile, but Jericho pushes out. H takes Jericho down, but he’s so devastated he falls head-first onto Chris’ crotch! He’s been taking lessons from Sting! We get a looooong count so we can cut back to the evil Vince, who receives a visitation from BOOGER RED OMG!! That will take us to commercial sign.
Commercials. Jason X’s car moves faster when he uses Stacker 2.
We’re back with the match, in which “two warriors have been battling relentlessly through the break!” That is almost as bad as the commentary on the SD3 game! BREAKDOWN! It only gets 2. Jericho protests by holding up…two fingers? Doesn’t tradition dictate you disagree with the ref’s count? Anyway, Michael Cole is worried about that “Red Devil the Undertaker.” Tazz one-ups him by yelling, “Dead Man Inc, Big Evil, the Undertaker!” Jericho loses his advantage when Hunter stats blocking all his punches again, but a jumping side-kick thingie puts H down for 2. Jericho channels Bubba Ray by yelling, “C’MON TRIPLE H!” Jericho misses a charge into the corner, then has a clothesline ducked so he can be neckbroke. H with a spinebuster for it’s usual 2. H misses the high knee, as Jericho sneaks in a neckbreaker for 2. Now Chris goes up top (I could swear I heard a “Y2J” chant) but gets crotched. Some classy, classy individual has a “Donkey Punch” sign. Why I point that out, I dunno. Trip goes up after Jericho, but the Larger Than Life Living Legend shoves him off. H tries to slam him off, but Chris fights him off AGAIN, and gets a missle dropkick! It gets 2, but Jericho argues with the ref (as Tazz says Trip “refuses to die”) and H gets a high knee. Jericho whips H into the corner and tries to set up the bulldog, but H simply stops in his tracks and punches Jericho in the face. Jericho with a standing dropkick, but H blocks it and goes for a monkey flip! Jericho puts Mr. Perfect to shame by catching himself on the second rope, but when he jumps off H simply kicks him in the gut and goes for the Pedigree. Jericho slips out and gets a backslide! Very long 2. Jericho somehow gets the bulldog, but H rolls clear of the Lionsault. Both men dazed, but H kicks low and looks for the Pedigree! Jericho counters into the Walls! The ref keeps tapping the mat, so apparently he has given up. H fights for the ropes, then stops. The ref does the hand test three times, with Trip keeping his hand up the third time. He reaches the ropes and the ref breaks, but Chris thinks he won. He gets a little pissed when he realizes he hasn’t won, so he stupidly leaves the ring and brings in TWO chairs. The ref takes his time getting rid of one as Trip kicks Chris and DDTs him. It gets…you ready? 2. Trading punches. Jericho sends H into the ropes, but eats a facebuster. H setting up the Pedigree AGAIN, but he lets it go when the Undertaker appears on the apron! Jericho rolls up H, gets a nice handful of tights, and gets the 3! Tazz laments the actions of “Big Evil.” Cole keeps calling him “Red Devil.” Chris theme plays briefly before Taker chokeslams H, Jericho puts H in the Walls for a bit, and Taker takes a chair to the big man. Jericho entertains himself with title-belt motions until Hogan arrives to make the save. He and Undertaker have a…less than intense brawl. YES! CHRIS JERICHO’S MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN! HE FINALLY WINS A SMACKDOWN! Here’s hoping for a two-week streak. Title-belt motions and Hulkster mocking take us out.
Well, I was pretty tired and out of it and really didn’t want to do a recap this week, but they ended things on a high note at least. Otherwise, a sucky show, but damn it, Chris Jericho beat Triple H! Maybe next week, Christian will win a match!
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