We are at the CROWN ARCADE on some Royal Person’s head.

Here comes THE BLOOD OF HULKAMANIA IS IN ON MY HANDS and POLLY HEY MAN. Paul stirs the Kool-Aid, with a microphone! Apparently Brock is Hollywood’s #1 action…huh? Oh, he said “Rock.” Oh, no, he is talking about Brok. No, he was talking about how Hulk once was used to be. I’m am so lost now. Anyway, Hulk is DEAD. IN A GRAVEYARD. WITH THE F AND WCW. Paul guarantees (there’s that word again) that Rock and Brock will collide TONIGHT! A PROMISED RUN-IN! Brock: “Do you know what I smell?” Paul: “Tell me Brock!” Brock: “Do you know how I feel?” Paul: “Um…what about the smell?” Brock calls Rock a bleep, so LOYAL SCORPIONS, FETCH ME A SANDWICH comes out to rebut. The Rock discussing it-bringing. Rock says that if they’re gonna collide before the night is through, then the night is already through. So…no collision? Anyway, LATINO HEAT and OUR LADY SUCK come out to beat Rock’s hinder. Paul raises Brock’s hand, freeing me to bring back the old NEW WINNER OF THIS PROMO joke.

Commercials. A reality: the anti-drug commercial is followed by an X-Box commercial so quickly, it appears to be saying “Ecstasy, brought to you by X-Box.”

Moments ago, HEEL TRIX gave Brok a cheap promo win. Benoit and Eddie are “vultures.” They’re gonna lick the blood of Hulkamania off of Brok’s hands.

Now THAT FUN-LOVIN’ EDGE enters the arena. Some crew guys say hi, and he kinda nods at them, so Eddie and Benoit kill him. Hey, you don’t blow-off our hard-working ring crew, esse!

LETTUCE-HEAD MUST DIE and ONE COUNT vs REDNECK-SAN (w/WHOSE BETTAH THAN MAVEN? ) and PEEPIN’ TAJIRI. Haha, good ol’ Yoshi is all over Nidia on the way to the ring. The Shiny-Pants Twinz start. They work over an arm-bar till Tajiri gets sick of it and gets armdragged. Neat spot as Moore tags Hurricane and backslides Tajiri so he can’t escape a top-rope legdrop. Hurricane punches Noble, then gets a top-rope crossbody on Yoshi. Yoshi gets a tag to Noble, who eats a Flying/Shining Wizzard. Moore in to knock Noble out and planacharize him. Then the COOLEST THING EVER happens as Nidia runs up to Shannon Moore and starts tracing along his chest so Tajiri’s foot can fly in from off-screen to kick Moore’s head off. You can’t do stuff like that on a live-show, they needed a perfect camera take of that. Me = Production Smark. Anyway, Tajiri tosses Moore back in, but Noble only gets 2. Noble tags in Tajiri, for some back of the head kicking. Cole starts in on the Noble/Nidia/Tajiri relationship, but he gets no love because he forgot to mention that Nidia and Hurricane used to date or something. Moore eventually counters the Chynese Elbow with a suplex, and twenty minutes later both men tag. Hurricane with some kinda flying thing, then another flying thing, then a 2 count. Noble escapes the Eye of the Hurricane, then counters the Chokeslam, but he can’t escape from a weird double-team assist fireman’s carry neckbreaker thing. Mike Tenay eat your heart out. So Moore got tagged in, and Tajiri breaks up the cover, and it’s officially “Off Da Hook.” Jamie Noble whips Shannon Moore into a Tarantula, and does a goofy little dance of celebration while Hurricane sneaks up and gets him with the Eye of the Hurricane! Now Hurricane sets up to Chokeslam Tajiri (who is not legal) and plants him. But my legal-man whining doesn’t matter, as Noble clotheslines Hurricane out, and goes on offense against Moore. He Hot-Shots him and sets up for a powerbomb, but Moore uses a ruthless rollup to score the win! Moore always wins…but Noble attacks from behind! Now Hurricane makes the save, knocking Noble out. Tajiri goes out as MAYUT HARDEE’s music plays…and he runs out to pantomime guns and celebrate after it’s already over. He even gets them to lift him up for a pose. Coupla rubes. That rules so much, I think I actually LIKE Matt Hardy! That’s a serious step for me.

Here comes SCREECH to chew out Chris and Eddie for messing with her main event money machine. Then Edge comes out to hit Chris with a chair while Eddie runs away. Edge: “I suggest you make a tag team match tonight, Benoit and Guerrero, vs me and the Rock!” Steph: “Then I suggest, your match is made!” Edge: “Yeah, so…you suggest that, but, are we really gonna have the match?”

Commercials. What’s this “Lord of the Rings” thing about anyway?

Backstage, Matt tells former 3-Counters that he’s cool. Then he tells the sound guys to play his music, which starts as they ask him what he wants. He goes out to the ring, poses, and gets interrupted by my personal hero CHAVO W. ANDERSON. Tazz says, “Thank God he’s out here, he’s my new hero!” Swear to God I called him my hero first. Matt tries to start a “Chavo Sucks” chant, but no one listens to Matt Hardy. I guess even North Carolinians can’t understand him. Anyway, we get an impromptu match which Matt wins with face offense until Chavo pulls down the ropes and lets Matt launch himself to the outside. Chavo rams him into the apron, rolls him in, and planacharates him. Corner stomping. Matt fights back, charges and elbow, and gets backdropped. Kickout at 2. Cole talks up Chavo’s family traditions, like working over one body part and running interference for Ric Flair. Double-clothesline leads to DOUBLE KO! Back body-drop by Matt. Various charges miss, then Matt catches Chavo coming off the top and gives him…a…something. Pompous cover allows Chavo to kick out. Matt does something else, then poses, then does the “OWWWWWWW” Jim Duggan legdrop, then poses, then sets up for the Twist of Fate, then gets scared by KANE’S PYRO, and finally gets ruthlessly rolled-up by Chavo (who never worked over a single body part to justify his nickname, damn it.) Now Matt calls over the ref to argue with him. “Everybody in here knows that if an explosion goes off in the building, then match automatically ends, it ceases it stops! It’s over! This is North Carolina!” Then he references Bret Hart. Tazz: “What the Hell is wrong with Matt Hardy?”

SMACKADOWNA #1 ANNOUNCA tells us to “stay tooned” after the commercial break to see inside the Women’s locker room. God loves Sho Funaki.

Commercials. Blue Horseshoe Tattoo is a wretched hive of scum and villainy or whatever the line is. They don’t even try to make the customers and “artists” look not fat, not pasty or not disgusting.

All RAWs for all eternity are sold out (not really.)

Big Sho is BACK YO. He checks out a possibly topless Nidia (we see nothing) before Molly comes in and says she might have been changing. Sho: “That’s where the story lies!” Molly and Nidia fight over the virtues of sluttery. Their title match tonight becomes a “Winner Takes Off Top If They Are Nidia” match. Molly wanders off while Sho stares at boobs. “Funaki loves Smackdown!”

Tazz makes a million “Are you pulling for Nidia?” jokes before RAYE MISTERIO (wo/CHAD or GRANDPA) starts in on a backstage interview on his own (INTERVIEW DUDE IS BURYING RAYE MISTERIO!) He is, of course, immediately interrupted by UNCLE BALDO, who promises to break his ankle and kill his pets and ruin his credit rating if Rey interferes in his match later…TONIGHT. Also, Kurt comically suggests that Raye’s mask is too tight, so Raye comically checks it.

Commercials. Rent it, like it, buy it, SUCK IT!!

Our Wakko the Knight is Raye doing things to Kurt Angle. They make Kurt bleed.

THE AMERICAN BALD EAGLE HAHAHA vs GENERIC MUSIC. Kurt uses amatuer wrestling to send Rey Misterio psychic messages. Kidman escapes the anklelock via the ropes early. Rolling Germans, “Woo!” Raye shows up on the apron in open defiance of Kurt’s orders. Kurt starts to follow him, but comes back in before he can be counted out. Kidman gets in all of one kick before Kurt takes over with a “crisp” suplex. Nice backbreaker by Kurt. Lots of kicking. Foot-choking (I mean like he chokes Kidman with the feet, not that he chokes Kidman’s feet.) Kidman does some weird move to toss Kurt out of the ring, where Kurt sees a fan in a Misterio mask. Kurt thinks it’s Raye, and pulls off the mask. Kidman surprises Kurt with a crossbody off the top, and we go back in for some Kidman near-falls. Billy with a nice face-first bulldog, a DDT, and then something or other that gets countered into the Anklelock. Kidman escapes the same way everyone else does and does some krazy kick to the chin. He looks for the Shooting Star Press, but Kurt gets him with a top-rope belly-to-belly. Kurt is “wicked” something. The ref gets bumped, Angle gets sent out, he comes back in with a chair (dummy,) and Billy dropkicks it in his face. The ref is still out, so Raye runs in and hits “the pop of the West Coast Pop!” Kurt chases Raye around until he gets counted out. Then Kurt comes back to suplex Kidman and Olympic Slam him from the ring to the floor. Raye can’t help because he has to yell at Serena.

Commercials. Next on Divorce Court, Judge Whoever shows us her fat self. Also, the new X-TREAM sub commercials reveals that asshole dude is named “Jim.” Jim…Shorts? Jim…Jerk? Jim…IsAMassiveAsshole?

This week on Confidential: Brock Lesnar tells us how when he was a kid he had an attitude. He was always getting the blood of Otherkidsmania on his hands.

Now more special looking at Brock. “You can do a lot of different things with the rubber bands.” Maxx Muscle absolutely did it better.

Now Edge checks in with Rock. Rock talks about tearing off one of his testacles and throwing it around and putting it in his mouth. Edge cuts to his catchphrase. THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH EDGE!

Commercials. Maxim hair coloring should have like “Angel Hair Pasta” flavor and “Fondue” flavor and crap, cause chicks are always eating it. Wacky chicks and their hair-licking.

Our Boot of the Week is Brok getting Fat-kicked with Rikishi’s big Lug boot and stinkfacing Paul Heyman with his Lugz Ass.

BRING BACK TEST AND STONE COLD and BABY BLUES vs D-CON “ORTHODOX” DUDLEY and BACON “LAPSED” BANANA. D-Con takes a punch or two from Cena, who tags Rikishi. The good Reverand avoids some ass offense, gets in some good licks of his own, then yells “That’s how ya do it!” and tags in Batista. Batista does powerful clotheslines and stuff, but Rikishi takes over on the Freaky Monster, even giving him an especially Samoan drop. D-Con gets a sly tag, but Cena cuts him off and they go outside. Rikishi continues to beat up Batista, setting up a Stinkface. D-Con rushes in and saves the day. GOD SENT D-CON TO SAVE BATISTA! Cena runs in and does his Crash Holly impression (acting excited and confused) before dropkicking Batista out and chasing him! Now D-Con yells at Rikishi to “Come on.” Shades of Bubba Ray and Tazz here. Rikishi does come on though, and sets up a Stinkface again. He even hikes up his panties, the jerk. Batista nails Rikishi from behind after the fact, then takes a second to give John Cena a sort of inverted gourdbuster or something. D-Con wants to know where Batista was while he was getting acquainted with Rikishi’s digestive tract, so Batista HOLLYWOODSLAM2000s D-CON! JUDAS! JUDAS! Go spend your thirty pieces of Samoan Silver, you traitor! Anyway, Batista leaves D-Con to get sat on and pinned (by Rikishi, not Cena.)

PLZ VOTE! Because we live in the world’s greatest democracy (AMERICA,) American Edge will show us how.

Now, on orders from Jamie Knoble, Nidia shows her boobies to Jabba the Hut. But to get him really wild requires a metal bikini.

Commercials. The new V3 from RBK do NOT GO WITH TUXEDOS! You think Darien would wear V3s? Well, he probably would. Faggzorz.

Our Rewind is Jamie Noble flattening Torrie Wilson. So…is he a face or a heel?

BOOBIA (w/JAMIE KNOBLE THE SLACK-JAWED YOKEL) vs PERFECTLY NORMAL POSTERIOR. After playing with the gum a bit, Nidia uses a distraction from Jamie to go for about a million ruthless rollups on Molly. Molly takes over and slaps on the chinlock. Twice. Then we get another rollup before Nidia starts in with the hairpull takedowns. Nidia sends Molly into the turnbuckles and gets another near-fall off a roll-up. Nidia does something I miss for a long 2. She sets Molly up on the top, but Molly knocks her off. Then she knocks her down again with a kick to what I believe Tazz referred to as “the yambos,” kicks off an interfering Knoble, and gets the Molly-Go-Round for a fan disappointing victory. Jamie decides to turn face by telling Nidia to take off her top anyway. Then Molly dropkicks Jamie to break it up, and becomes the BIGGEST HEEL EVER (this week.)

Commercials. This may come as a shock, but I am already tired of “Dead To Rights” commercials.

Michael Cole and Tazz chat about Buffy. So much faggory.

The Panty Palz have a new theme song? Oh, it’s a hott new rap 4 SCREECH. She talks about how Smackdown is contributing the best matches while RAW blows, then introduces the exact same montage we’ve seen on both shows (opening with 3 STRAIGHT RAW MATCHES.)

COOL NEW INTEGRATED GAY CANADIAN ENTRANCE MUSIC TEAM vs THE PEOPLE THINK THEY KNOW US. Benoit’s music has the word “lonely” in it, it got an extended whine. Maybe you're lonely because you suck, Benoit theme-singing dude. Ever think of that? Huh? Anyway, now POLLY HEYMAN and YOU CAN’T STOP THE BROK have a sit-in to benefit homeless kittens or something. Gandhi woulda gotten so much more done if he was ripped like Brok.

Commercials. YOU WILL FEAR FEARDOTCOM. Judge Joe Brown sez: “You pay the consequences of yo action.”

We’re back. Edge attacks early cause he’s dumb, now Rock has to run down to save him. Edge starts off with Eddie, monkey-flipping him into Benoit. Tazz thinks this is a great opportunity for them to “feel each other out.” Michael Cole keeps talking up how Eddie has no wasted motion, which is weird cause he’s always posing. Benoit comes in and does mean corner offense on Edge, but Edge escapes and gets his face-buster whatever slam thing. Eddie suckers Rock into coming on, and we get some heelish double-teamery. Eddie comes in and does some posin’. The Rock, it seems, can kiss his ass. Eddie steps on Edge’s nose, then spins around. He’s trying to uglify his Edge-Head! Benoit comes in and gets an evil backbreaker. Brok and Paul are watching on a monitor, and will surly read this recap later for a good chuckle over the always funny Chad and Grandpa joke. The Rock is again suckered into fighting with the ref. Eddie looks for the brainbuster, but Edge flips out and we get a Double KO. FINAL ROUND! FIGHT! Double tag, and Rock DDTs Benoit. Out goes Eddie. Legwhip into the Scorpion King Deathlock, but Eddie is back in to get him from behind. Rock kips up and gets a spinebuster on Eddie, followed by the Glorious Elbow of Peasants and Workers Deputies! It gets 2, even though EDDIE ISN’T LEGAL! Send him back to his corner (or Mexico, or Texas, or Texaco.) Benoit attacks Rock on the outside, because as Tazz says, “He’s a machine, he’s all animal!” OMG CYBORG! Chris takes it inside and works over Rock’s The People’s Ribs. Eddie tagged in to throw shoulders into everyone’s collective ribs. Eddie does a little dance, and Tazz says Rock wants to “Rock-up.” Rock starts punching, so Eddie kicks his head off and tags in Benoit. Cole talks about how Benoit and Eddie always come back when they’re up against the ropes (they were in trouble maybe once in this match.) Crippula Crossface. Tazz: “SQUEAL!” Jesus Edge, break it up, would you? Oh wait, he got crossbodied or something. Eddie is right next to the ref, pulling the rope away from the Rock. Rock’s hand goes down twice, but not thrice, and Rock eventually gets the rope. Chris calmly pulls him back into the middle of the ring and slaps the Crossface back on, but by now Edge finally makes the save. Chris is sick of this, and tags in Eddie. Eddie…covers without doing a move. A stomp sets up the Frog Splash, but Edge CHEATS TO WIN! Against Eddie, no less! Rock crawls for the tag…and gets it! Edge clotheslines everyone a million times, then face-plants Eddie, SPEARZ Benoit in the corner (or, if you’re Tazz, hits a “Spear-like move.”) Eddie side-steps a SPEAR, but Edge stops in time and EDGEOCUTES him. Chris breaks up the fall (causing Tazz to yell “SAVE!” and my brother to yell “Often so you won’t lose all your gold and experience!”), but Rock Bottoms Benoit so Edge can SPEAR Eddie for 3. Now I CAN SOMEHOW DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN OFFICER JENNYS comes out. Rock cops a feel on Edge’s quads, then Rock mouths “Bring it” at Brok and they trade lots of punches and stuff and ribs are worked over and eventually Brok ends up screaming in the ailse while Rock screams in the ring so Rock WINZ ALL.

Final Thoughts: WHERE THE FUCK WERE RICO AND THE GANG?

Good show, as usual. We don’t need no stinking Kane, unless he’s gonna do his crazy Hulk impression.