Since this, if our gracious party-hostessess Nik decides to post it, would be my first recap REBEAK for Weekly Visitor, I have decided to suck up by mentioning everyone’s name somewhere. Josh, Shane, EvilJon and Baruni (who SCARED me by posting a columnumnumn today) have the honor of being first, as they didn’t fit in anywhere.
No JOKE I FORGOT TO USE LAST WEEK this week, as I snuck it in this week. Also, since this is a WV Rebeak, I think of it as a new day. A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
Backlash promo. Hunter: I will run you over! Me: Or hire Rikishi to!
We are on tape from Houston at the Compaq Center, which will probably be called the Compaq/Hewlitt Packard Center eventually. Or you might prefer my alternate joke: the Compaq Center, named for Houston frontiersman “Dirty” Dick Compaq.
THE PANTY PALS w/ALBERT COULD BE EVEN WEIRDER BUT ONLY IF HE WORE A GIMP MASK (and, of couse, Reeko) vs FAT ISLANDER WHOSE CAR IS A WEAPON, ALBERTO SNOW and MY MULTIPLE EYEBROWS MAKE BERT OF BERT AND ERNIE JEALOUS. The Chuck/Al rivalry is renewed, as Al dominates with punches, and crotch/ass oriented offense. Al tags in Maven, who nails a fantastic, incredible, scintillating top-rope double-axehandle. Chuck takes over with an eye gouge, but stupidly gets armdragged. Maven doesn’t press his luck, and wisely tags in Al. Al Snow stupidly attacks Billy and Al Bert, leaving Chuck to level him with a clothesline and tag in the Nads-using Hoss. It’s Al vs Al OMG! Al Bert does his usual, including a crazy Tigerbomb (though not as good as the ones used by any of those puro dudes I know nothing about). It gets 2. Al Bert tags in Billy. Cole says “This is Billy.” Then he says Billy has had many partners, but his favorite is Chuck. Ugh. You should know when you form a partnership with Billy, you’re also forming one with Road Dogg. And what are they implying about his relationship with brother Bart? Does this mean the relationship with Sunny was PLATONIC!?!? Anyway, Al Snow slides to escape a corner whip (!?!?) and clotheslines Billy before tagging in Rikishi. Rikishi no-sells some Billy punches, runs over Stone Cold, and bends over. Billy sunset flips him like an idiot, and barely escapes being sat on. Rikishi beats up EVERYONE (well, not Snow, Maven, or the ref,) and eventually sets up Chuck and Reeko for the Stink-Face, but Al Bert breaks it up. Rikishi kicks out at 2 as Al Snow just watches. Al Bert is suffering from Lex Luger Syndrome, yelling with every punch or kick. Al Bert gets tagged in, slams Rikishi, takes out both Alternate Al and Maven, but Rikisho Samoan-Drops Albert. Double-tag, to Chuck and…Maven. Chuck acts scared of Maven, who is a Pair of Eyebrows Afire! He beats up everyone for a bit, but eventually gets Flameassered. Then Billy gets Rikishi-kicked. Then Albert does something, then Snow does something, then Reeko with a NICE spin-kick, then Maven with a top-rope crossbody on Chuck…and it gets 3! “Buy the Tough Enough Album” plays, so Tough Enough wins the match!
Now Stacey shows Hulk her ass.
Commercials. Some girl on Tough Enough is blowing her entire future OMG!! If you care, read ChainCaw’s recap. If you don’t care, read it anyway. DO IT.
Kidman and Hurricane watch that weird-ass Staziak promo from RAW. Kidman is bummed that nobody likes him, so Hurricane teaches him lessons he picked up at the Mick Foley school of crowd manipulation.
Meanwhile, at Vince, Vince exists. And here’s Hogan. Vince…checks Hogan out. Eww. Also, Stacey acts horny. Vince: “She’s new.” Hulk: “I can tell.” Me: “She’s from Barcelona.” Vince starts talking about “perceptions of reality” and stuff, so my brother sez: “Use smaller words, dude!” Hey, you gotta make your own fun doing a Vincamania promo. They talk about the birth of Hulkamania, but suspiciously don’t mention how long ago that was. Hulk’s minimalist performance is incredible. Incredibly…BAD OMG FUNNAY!
Commercials. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AMATUER BUSHWHACKER DOING IN THIS CLEARASIL COMMERCIAL! The Greyhound dog is SO happy he’s not in a Korean restaurant. THIS GOOF IS A VERITABLE PARAGON OF IDIOCY, IN THE HUMBLE OPINION OF THE ROCK.
Overdrive of the Night: Vince shows us what a class act he is with the Stacey sketch.
Hey look, it’s a ZZ Topper. Hooray.
TAJIRI YOSHIHIRO (w/Sailor Moon, the only blonde Japanese woman I know, other than Sailor Venus, but let’s not split peroxidified hairs) and OMG MARK OUT FOR CHAVO GUERRERO JR!!! vs HURRICANE LETTUCE HEAD and WILLIAM KIDMAN. Cool, Chavo is using the old WCW low-rider song...which starts skipping out before getting to the synth brass. Fans do not turn on Kidman when he is announced as being from Pennsylvania. Come to think of it, they didn’t announce that Chavo is from Texas (um…I think he’s from Texas.) Hey…I just noticed the big glass fist is still around. And I just remembered that since Chavo wasn’t really drafted (was he?) and Eddie was definitely not drafted…they can be a tag team wherever they want! And…I’m missing the match. Chavo and Kidman start with arm-drags and whipping and stuff. Slingshot-hurricanrana by Kidman, then a dropkick and a tag to Hurricane. Kidman and Hurricane with a devastating armdrag of Hurricane onto Chavo. Chavo goes all cowardly and tags out to Tajiri. Hurricane takes Yoshi down, but breaks to pose and eats a kick. Brawling, but Tajiri kicks Hurricane’s head off after a leapfrog. Hurricane puts his head back on to battle Chavo, quickly overcoming him and tagging in Kidman. Yoshi distracts the champ, allowing Chavo to get what I think is the Gory Special, but Chavo somehow hotshots him out of it. I don’t know what you call that, but it rocked. Too bad silliness outside of the ring with the “humiliated” Torrie makes me miss how Hurricane gets tagged in to whoop Chavito. I could rewind…but…uh…the button is broken. Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, Chavo tags in Yoshi, who Hurricane sets up for the chokeslam! AND HE FINALLY HITS IT! I really wanted him to debut it against MOLLY~!!, but this will do. This is too fast to call…two different double-team corner moves get broken up before Chavo finally pulls Kidman out long enough for Tajiri to kick Hurrican’s head back off for 3. That was a really good, fast match: the kind reading recaps of is pointless. Kidman comes in to check on Hurricane…kneeling over him…and Tajiri casually wanders up behind him and kicks HIS head off! Tajiri is so cool. Yoshi’s music plays, which is good since he won. Tajiri gets the mic again, and I’m officially tired of the fans “What”ing Tajiri. But damn it, it was funny that one time.
Commercials. I don’t know what to make of the Ultimate Fights DVD, but considering that the “Ultimate Techno Rumble Mix” is one of the selling points, it may not be up my alley. A local ad for “Blue Horseshow Tattoo” features a fat cartoon character and a fat, fat, really fat tattoo artist. I have no joke here, but rest assured, it was funny. Fat people are funny. Just read TNM!
Damn you Waspinator…damn you to the fiery pits of Hell for being so very, very right about Benoit’s new theme music. Damn me for making so many pathetic shout-outs in a row.
Now we get a recap of last week’s sketch where Test tried to kill Mark Henry. This could only mean an appearance by…FUNAKI! Damn, it’s SEXUAL CHOCOLATE. Some guy I don’t recognize who may or may not be the guy I didn’t recognize last week introduces the World’s Strongest Man, for this week’s TEST OF STRENGTH (and my patience.) He’s gonna juggle cars or something. Uh-oh…speaking of tests here’s MR. IMMUNITY to try and spot the fraud. But FFAARROOQQ is out to yell and make noise and OMG FUNAKI IS BACK BAYBAY is out to hang around HUGH MORRIS and probably VAL VENIS and GODFATHER. There’s CHRISTIAAAAN, CHRISTIAAAAAAAN (who really deserves better) and LANCELOT STORM, SECRET GAMBLER (who also deserves better, but then, they all do. Ok, maybe not Godfather.) Heck, I bet OUTBACK JACK is there too. Anyway, Henry lifts the car and Test gets mad and attacks Ffaarrooqq and I have a feeling this is all leading to a reformed Nation of Domination. Poor Mark Henry: he lifted a car and he still doesn’t get a match. I guess that’s what he gets for only holding it up for like half a second.
Commercials. Poor, wet white dudes gotta eat home-cooked food for dinner, cause their non-model wives don’t really love them. But Booker T doesn’t have that problem. The Book knows non-microwavable dinners and normal, none Barker’s Beautyesque product-modeling wives are for fools. But if you want some of his Hungry Man, you’re outta luck. You know you gots ta get yo own, sucka.
Here’s a replay of Mark Henry lifting the car. Even in slow-motion, it looks like he barely did it. Not like I could, but still…
A review of the card for Backlash follows. The one I want to see? RVD vs Eddie G in a special “Rocket Buster” match.
HULK STILL SUCKS is out, and ruining one of my favorite Hendrix songs. He looks like such a fruit in the red and yellow boa too. I mean, what the Hell is that? You can call him old, you can call him lazy, you can call him boring and crappy, but you can’t call him “heterosexually dressed.” Actually, I gotta take that back. I mean, the official stereotype is that homosexuals dress with style, right? Anyways, Hulk has the mic. Lucky me. “I’ve been hearing the world ‘reality’ used around here a lot lately.” That is funny for all the wrong reasons. Ok, so he never thought he’d be back in the WWF, or that Hulkamania would run as wild as it is currently running, so therefore anything is possible and he’s gonna beat Trip and damn it, is somebody gonna interrupt? Do I even want that? Won’t that make this go longer? Well, too late, as just after Hulk embarrasses himself by not being able to tear the shirt off, NOT THE CHAMP is out. Now here’s a man who knows how to dress gay. Checkerboard pants, and a shiny shirt covered in Playboy Bunny heads. “You wanna talk about reality? The reality is this Hogan, you are a farce! The reality is, you are a joke! And the reality is, no matter what all these people think, and no matter what they say, I am not the has-been around here!” Then he goes on to tell us that HULK is the has-been! “You don’t want Hulkamania to end? I got news for you Grandpa, Hulkamania ended about the same time the Rubix Cube and ‘Where’s the Beef?’ ended!” Then he complains about not having a match at Backlash, but I don’t care. I just love listening to someone tell off Hogan. Me, biased? Oh yeah. Hell, I bet Hogan could never beat Nick Patrick with one hand tied behind his back like Jericho did! So…Jericho screams about being the first ever Unified Champion, adds that Hogan is 0-1 in singles matches since coming back, and keeps being all dickish until Hogan finally cuts him off. Hulk: “If you got something to say to me, or you got a problem with me brother, why don’t you come down here, and say it to my face dude!” Cole: “Come on Big Man!” Tazzzz: “He called him dude!” Anyway, Jericho comes down, and tries to continue the promo. But Hogan knows he can’t hang in the promo department, so he cheap-shots him. Now PLEASE TELL ME I SUCK is out to attack Hogan. Now THAT FUN LOVIN’ EDGE is out to even the score, at one American Hero and one Canadian Hipster per team. Heels flee. Voodoo Child tells us Hulk won the promo, don’t you worry.
Commercials. “What’s Tony Hawk doin’ on the freeway?” “I didn’t know last week, and I don’t know now, alright?” Aw…the classic Stacker 2 car wash commercial, where an imitation Ellie May Clampett lures some fat guy into a bathtub (which she isn’t in.) And here’s a “Jason X” commercial! Truly, this commercial break is a blessing. RVD’s Slurpee commercial! This is so much cooler than the last segment!
Vince is angry at Edge for making the save on Hulk. Edge yells at Vince. “Maybe I scare you? Vince, I should scare you.” I like Edge, nobody else seems to, but damned if they aren’t shoving him down our throats. If Vince was really mad at Edge, he’d give Christian some main-event matches. That’d show him.
Wow, MR. IMMUNITY vs FFAARROOQQ! You jerks, I already capitalized your names earlier, now I gotta do it again! BUTWAIT…I mean but wait a minute…they only just had their disagreement! Wow, how’d they get the guys who book the matches to get them a match on such short notice? Anyway, they brawl and stuff. Tazz asks Cole if he’s ever been in a fight, and Cole ducks the issue. Clothesline From Florida by Ffaarrooqq, and a nice powerslam. Test goes for the pin with the ropes, but referee Teddy Long sees it. TEDDY LONG IS BIASED! Test will job to Butch Reed next week. Test counters the spinebuster by simply elbowing Ffaarrooqq in the head, cause he is IMMUNE TO SPINEBUSTERS. Ffaarrooqq counters the Blue-Thunder Bomb or whatever, puts his feet on the ropes, and gets a cheesy win! The Acolytes music plays for like two seconds before Test gets in the post-match Big Boot. His…even newer crappy theme music plays, making him THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH.
Triple H is trying to read RAW Magazine (like Dean Malenko, thumbs-up cheap pop) but a cameraman is crawling around, just waiting for Stacey Kiebler to do the “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?” shot. Stacey uses the incredible power of her acting ability to tell us she thinks Trip is hot. Trip makes his quads dance. They do a sort of modified Cabbage Patch. Not really.
Commercials. Roswell is still on?
That black chick who isn’t Jacqueline or Jaz talks to Hardcore Holly, who isn’t very nice to her. It’s S/Charmel, that’s right. Hardcore is gonna beat up DDP, but then DDP shows up and smiles. Then he spontaneously says that Holly bleeps him off. But that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing. Apparently being bleeped off is good. Go ahead, try it at home!
Now Vince is gonna talk to Triple H. Vince addresses the question of “What happens, draft-wise, when the champion loses his title?” by simply decreeing that he gets Triple H if Trip loses. Well, that makes sense, because…er…
Commercials. With them crazy Hollywood special effects, I find myself doubting that the Greyhound dog really did make that sushi. Also, I love it when Taco Bell tries to make their food sound gourmet. “Seven-Layer” nachos. Gotta love their moxy. OOH! OOH! “Jason X!” I want to see a wrestling/Jason crossover! Scorpion King vs Cyborg Jason!! You know you want it too…
DEMENTED DENTAL PATIENT vs BOB “HARDCORE IS MY FIRST NAME” HOLLY. Hardcore is out to represent as the lone Holly on Smackdown. It’s a shame, as I’d love to see the new evil MOLLY~!! interact with cousin Hardcore. Ok, they brawl. Holly ducks a clothesline, setting up DDP’s patented “I turn around and clothesline you anyway” spot. Neckbreaker by DDP, but he goes for the ten-punch in the corner and gets dropped on his head. Hardcore ties up DDP in the ropes and does the nut-kicking spot. More brawling, and Hardcore levels Page with a clothesline that forces him to pose. Nice vertical suplex, but Holly goes up top for some reason, and gets crotched. DDP with a helluva good superplex (Tazzzz callzz it a “Jacknife Superplex,” whatever that means.) Both men down, but DDP takes over with the “lots of clotheslines.” Diamond Cutter attempt, but Holly pushes out, and nails the dropkick! 1-2-3! Holly gets that generic rock music played, cause he wins! I’m a bit surprised…but uh-oh…he hangs around to talk trash. Sure enough, he gets Diamond Cuttered, and when DDP’s music plays he becomes THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH!
Jericho and Angle have a chat. Jericho refers to Kurt “snapping on the Anklelock, making him tap, and sucking the life out of Hogan.” Kurt yells at him not to use the word “suck.” Then he yells it some more, cause the fans didn’t pick up on it. Eventually, the fans start chanting “You suck,” as per Edge’s instructions from last week. I think I heard Chris say “Scream about it baby.” I hope that’s what he said.
Commercials. I was worried that Truth and Grand Theft Auto 3 might not get airtime tonight, but thank God, I now know that I should never smoke and should instead steal cars. Hey, if you smoke to look cool, stealing cars looks way cooler. In California, they’re approximately equally as frowned upon.
Tazz, on Creed’s ‘Young Grow Old’: “It’s the official Backlash theme song! [unnatural pause] And it’s cool.”
Here comes DAT DAMNED DEACON D-VON DUDLEY. Tazz can barely play along without laughing. I wonder if he’ll get an asshole chant…no…he gets “What?” D-Von does a crazy Black Baptist preacher routine, and he does it well. He talks about the “Great Prophet,” Vince McMahon. He tells us we’re wicked wolves, while he and Vince are strong sheep. “He picked me up, he turned me ‘round, he set my feet on solid ground.” I have no idea where this is going, but it’s cool…HA! He has a collection plate! AND PEOPLE ARE PUTTING MONEY IN! That was such a great ending. I’ll be tired of it by next week.
Here’s a montage on the opening of the Scorpion King. Kelly Hu catches my attention, eversobriefly, by telling us she gets naked a lot. Certainly a bigger selling point than the Rock talking about sand in the crack of his ass.
Commercialrama. Lita Stacker 2 ad. How is Kenny Whatshisname using Stacker 2 supposed to make him qualify faster anyway?
Our Whack of the Night is Good Triple H beating up Less Good Triple H. Heck, he’s not even Less Good. He may be Evil. EVIL~!!
It’s time for our featured bout of the evening. NOT DA CHAMP & PLEASE TELL ME I SUCK vs GOOD TRIPLE H (“Hollywood” Hulk Hogan) and POSSIBLY EVIL TRIPLE H (Triple H.) Cole sez one word describes Hulk Hogan, “icon.” Does that mean he Cowers Over Nothing? Tazzz tells us he loved Hulk when he was little (so…you still love him then?) but that Trip is the Man. When did he beat Flair? Cause I thought to be the man, you had to beat The Man. Hulk stares intently at the back of Hunter Heart Helmsley’s Hunter Hearst Head as he spits water. Hunter spits, not Hulk. So…is it getting across that I write all this stream-of-consciousness nonsense during H’s intros to kill time? Cause they’re so long? I wonder sometimes. Anyways, Many H’s will start against the Olympic Hero. Punching. An eye-gouge. Punching. Angle gets backdropped. Hunter…tries to pull Kurt’s pants down. Tazz, “I don’t wanna see Kurt’s bun no more.” Kurt attacks Hogan, so Hunter tags him in. Hulk shoves Angle down, so Kurt tags in Chris. Jericho mocks the posing, and Cole does that cute little “I hate him SO MUCH” bit. Jericho looks for the test of strength, but forgets to kick so Hulk crushes him. Angle comes in to break it up, and we get a double-clothesline. Jericho goes up top, but Hulk flashes back to his feud with Flair and pitches him to the mat. Tag in to Da Gheym. Both Triple H’s (SEXTUPLE H OMG) stomp Jericho. Hunter monkey-flips Chris into Angle on the apron, gets his spinebuster, and gets 2. Triple H argues with Triple H, which allows Jericho to get a low blow on Triple H (Hunter) and tag in Kurt. Kurt and Jericho with some double-teaming, and Jericho is back in. Triple H (again, Hunter) fights out of the corner, but Chris goes to the sleeper. Hunter…falls asleep! It’s over! Damn, used that last week. Um, Trip backdrop-suplexes out. Chris tags to Kurt, who charges into the corner and destroys his shoulder, as per usual. Hulk gets tagged in, and gets the humiliating double noggin-knocker on the heels. Big Boot on Kurt, but Jericho pulls him out before he can get the Legdrop, and plants his leathery head into the stairs. Jericho brings in a chair, tosses referee Tim White, and…Hunter kicks Jericho and gets a DDT. Angle attacks, but Hunter fights back and sets up a Pedigree. Now Chris is back, and the double-team is on. Hogan comes back in at last, grabs the chair, and goes for the baddies. They dodge, and TRIPLE H HITS TRIPLE H OMG! Now the forces of evil double-team Hogan, but Edge is in to spear Angle and chase him out. Big Boot and a Leg Drop for Jericho, but before Scott Keith can cry himself to sleep (or does he hate Jericho now? Hell if I know,) Hunter grabs the chair and hits Hogan! TRIPLE H HITS TRIPLE H OMG! Triple H (Hunter)’s music plays…so…I guess he won. POSSIBLY, NO, DEFINITELY EVIL TRIPLE H IS THE SINGULAR WINNER OF THIS TAG TEAM MATCH!
Peace out, homies. I wanted to make a farewell joke BUTWAIT I can’t think of anything original. Haha…indirect Sofa reference. So…did I get everybody?
Oh wait, Hooker. Um…hi Hooker!
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