Smackdown Rebeak
Airdate January 6, 2005
Mohegan Sun, Casino

Hey, not to quibble, but I thought Godzilla showed up to help Jet Jaguar when Megalon and Gigan double-teamed Jet? Or did Godzilla and Gigan both run-in late in the proceedings? I probably shouldn't be challenging Jon on this topic.

I was just rebeaking yesterday, so how much fresh blog can I have? Unless you want to hear about the math prerequisites for computer programming courses, I got nothin’.

Intro, with no lead-in or anything.

Well I have two pot pies,
I’ll have one baked I’ll have one fried,
Cause this is my luuuuuunch,
It’s the tears, of a clown
Since he’s sad, he will frown
What his deal? I don’t know
My food’s cold, got to go.

Mohegan Sun is the capital of Casino. I hope Tatanka or Wavell Star will be here tonight.

Cole: “Nobody rides like Latino Heat, Eddie Guerrero!” AM I NOBODY TO YOU, MICHAEL COLE? is out to jerk the curtain. Fucking Smackdown. “SPECIAL” TIME KEEPER Joy Giovanne is the fucking time keeper every week now. This is already one of those Smackbeaks where I say “fuck” a lot. EL REY (w/CHAD and GRANDPA) is his partner for whatever reason. Hey, it’s being a long week, and it’s not like anyone gets the Rey nicknames anyway. Well, they’re either facing the Bashams or Angle’s Heavies, and either way the faces will be trying to keep me awake. Rey has the 619 camera. He stole and renamed the Kidcam. He loans it to Eddie, who shoots up and down Joy’s body suggestively. Cole says that Rey will have a nice home movie, so Tazz calls him “a pervert.” How dare he sully the wholesome way Eddie slowly pans over Joy while smiling like Benny Hill? Besides, we all know Cole wants home movies of Fifi. And…oh wait, Eddie and Rey are opponents? I rewound, and the only link Chimel makes between the two introductions is “and.” No “and his opponent” or “and his partner,” just “and,” so I don’t feel particularly retarded. Wow, suddenly this is gonna be all good. Seems like a waste to use them in the opener, though. And just to show you how bitchy I feel this week, I’d like to complain before a match between my two favorite Smackdown guys starts that everything on the show after this match will now be totally unwatchable. To be fair, this is the opener of the first Smackdown of the year, so it probably ought to be memorable. Both men all happy and smiley. Lockup, and Eddie gets a hammerlock. Eddie turns it into a headvice, then a side headlock. Cole: “This is one of those interesting match-ups where you have similar styles, yet you have very contrasting styles in the ring.” Eddie works an armbar, but Rey punches, kicks, and sets up a springboard uberfancy armdrag. Eddie looks a little annoyed, but locks back up. Knucklelock, and Eddie overpowers Rey, then trips Rey up and tries to put his weight on him. Rey counters by putting his feet up and…uh…they flip around a lot and it ends with a sunset-flip by Rey for 2. Rey does the “Shelton Benjamin says Triple H’s dick is this big” finger sign. Eddie looks for a lock-up, but surprises Rey with a single-leg takedown into a headlock. Tazz tries to plant the seeds of dissention between Rey and Eddie by asking if Eddie ever granted Rey a title shot, but Cole foils him by remembering that they did wrestle for the title (on Smackdown with Tazz doing color commentary, d’oh!) Criss-cross sequence ends with Rey getting a rana. Eddie reverses a whip, then counters some fancy “I jump on your shoulders move” by just dropping backwards and planting Rey’s face in the mat. Fujiwara armbar by Eddie, but Rey makes the ropes as the crowd starts to get behind him. Hammerlock, “619” chant, but Eddie takes Rey down and keeps the hold applied. Cole wonders if you can play 619 on the roulette table. I…suppose you could bet separately on the three, sure. Eddie does a bridge to spice up the hammerlock. Eddie shows off by balancing on his own neck with a sort of delayed bridge. He eventually maneuvers Rey’s shoulders to the mat, but Rey kicks out at 2. Eddie slaps the hammerlock right back on. I don’t hate this, because Eddie is working the hammerlock and Rey is actually selling it. Rey reaches the ropes, and breaks at 4. Rey tries for a springboard moonsault, but Eddie catches him and drives him into the corner with an Oklahoma Slam, but keeps him tied up in the Tree of Woe instead of letting him drop to the mat. Eddie kicks away, shoves the ref out of the way, and dropkicks Rey in the ribs. Eddie argues with the ref as Rey tries to escape. Eddie going for a baseball slide dropkick on the still tied-up Rey, but Rey pulls himself free and Eddie crotches himself! Time for a break.

Commercials. White Noise. “It is one thing to contact the dead, it is another thing to meddle. You are meddling!” Worst line ever?

We’re back, and Rey has Eddie in the Royal Octopus Hold? Don’t see that often. Sometimes called the Octopus Stretch, by people who don’t base their move names on that old Tecmo World Wrestling game best remembered for The Scotsman’s sultry affair with Tom Talker. During the break, we learn, Rey busted out a plancha and a springboard flippity moonsault thing. Guess nobody told them about the commercial. Eddie powers out of the hold, and now the fans are chanting for Eddie. Eddie tries to lift Rey for…something, but Rey turns it into a DDT. Rey sells the arm, and is slow to cover. Eddie gets his foot on the ropes at 2. Rey whips Eddie, reversed, and Eddie slaps on the sleeper. Rey quickly sends Eddie to the ropes and gets a sleeper of his own! Didn’t I just rebeak this? Eddie should try the corner-charge counter, which Rey can counter by releasing the hold and recinching it. Then we get a ref bump and Flair tossing in the ringbell. Tazz: “Rear-naked choke.” Eddie eventually picks Rey’s leg, spins him around, and drops him into a pinning predicament. Nice. It gets 2. Both men slow to rise, and Rey does some fancy kicks to take Eddie back down. Asai moonsault by Rey for 2. Rey with another rear-naked choke, trapping one of Eddie’s arms with his (Rey’s) legs. Eddie gets to his feet, elbows out, sends Rey into the ropes, and alley oops him. Eddie trying for…Rey slips out of whatever it was and dropkicks him into the ropes. 619, and Eddie just barely evades. Rey does the “that’s one small penis Triple H has got” sign again, then charges Eddie (who is slumped in the corner) and tries for the Face Full of Stuff? Idiot. Eddie gets the boot up, and smiles away as Rey rolls around clutching his crotch. Better hope your penis was that small, Rey. Eddie covers for 2. The ref questions Eddie on the low blow, and Eddie explains by lightly pressing his foot to the ref’s gut once, and then lightly pressing his foot into the ref’s nuts. Heh. Rey reverses a whip and monkey-flips Eddie. Rey sets Eddie up top and tries for a top-rope rana, but Eddie clings to the ropes and lets Rey kill himself. Eddie with a top-rope sunset-flip (shades of Ronnie Garvin,) but Rey rolls through and dropkicks Eddie in the face. Rey covers for a long 2. Rey whipped into the corner, but Eddie charges into his elbow. Now Rey charges Eddie, who tosses him backwards…and Rey accidentally ends up giving the ref his flying crotch attack! Eddie now smirks for the crowd. He goes outside and gets the tag title belt. He puts it on Rey’s corpse, then plays dead, just like last week. Now Rey recovers, puts the belt on Eddie, and plays dead just as the ref is coming to. A panicky Eddie puts the belt underneath him and tries to inch out of the ring so the ref doesn’t see it. This is real cute and all, but it’s based on the premise that the ref will DQ either man without having seen a belt-shot (which didn’t happen in any case) and goes against everything that NWA non-TNA booking taught me. The ref asks Eddie if he cheated and used the belt. Eddie says “no” while hiding the belt. The Eddie tries to sneak out with the belt while the ref talks to Rey, but takes way too long goofily crawling the long way out, and gets caught. Then the ref catches Rey laughing at this, and…heh, the ref decides he’s going to DQ them both! What an awful ending that would be, but luckily, Eddie decides to lean on the second rope in frustration, and Rey goes for 619. Eddie ducks it, but somehow this nullifies the ref’s decision and allows the match to continue. Eddie rolls Rey up, but both men are kinda pinned, and the ref counts 3 for Misterio. Eh…I winded it back, and Rey pretty much got the pin clean. That was pretty good for a comedy match opener. Rey keeps signaling “2,” for 2 straight wins over Eddie. Or maybe it has something to do with shoe sizes. Rey wants a handshake. Eddie not so much. Eventually, Rey grabs Eddie’s hand and shakes it.

Remember what I said about how the rest of the show would be unwatchable? TONKA-TYKE tells someone off camera that he isn’t afraid of anything but caskets. Then thanks them for helping him. It can’t be the late Yokozuna, so it’s gotta be Kamala. No, it’s HEY, HEYMAN! Heyman was supposed to be gone, right? Great, guess he gets written out tonight. Le sigh. Anyway, Heyman says he’s gonna get rid of the casket stipulation. Yeah right.

Oh joy, a “Battle Rap” between John Cena and Kenzo Suzuki. Cole refers to Cena as “The Master.” Does he mean the Manos Master or the Dungeon of Doom Master? I prefer both to Cena.

Commercials. I’m not sure associating “Get a clue” and “Veronica Mars” is going to help the show.

I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE USE OF BOTH OF THEIR ARMS is out to do guest commentary. He won’t shake Cole’s hand. Cole: “Guess I’m not cool enough for him.” Damn skippy. Tazz: “You got a lot of hair!” Carlito: “I got a lot of cool hair that’s what I got!” Cool hair, is what he got. Hey, between the two of them, Carlito and Tazz now have a normal level of hair! Now the headphones slide forward somewhat. Carlito: “FIX IT! FIX IT!” Hahaha. Anyway, Carlito announces that he has a petition to get rid of Theodore Long. And…he pulls off the headset. Hahaha. JOBBER…WAIT! CHAMPION is out first because tradition blows. His opponent is I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO BE ALL COOL AND SHIT. Damn, Akio has traded in the yakuza suit for some shitty karate get-up. And he shaved his head. He’s like imitation Hakushi now. Joy is shown ringing the bell. I’m so hott now. Sho backs Akio into the corner, catches Akio’s kick, ducks a clothesline, but fails to catch a second kick. The camera cuts to Carlito getting fans to sign his petition. Fan: “CARLITO!” Akio tries for a gutwrench something, but Sho slips free and armdrags him out of the ring. Akio back in, deep armdrag by Funaki, and an arm-wringer. Akio punches out as…heh, Carlito tries to get Charles Robinson to sign. Akio Japanese/Korean whip, but Sho goes for a sort-of-rana that ends up a roll-up for 2. Sho ducks a clothesline and gets a backslide for 2. Enzoogweeree by Sho for 2, and Carlito is on the apron trying to get signatures. Sho sends Akio into the corner for pounted munches as the ref struggles with Carlito. Akio dumps Sho’s face right onto the turnbuckles, then does his “charge into the corner and do a flying kick that sends me out of the ring” attack. He skins the cat back in as Carlito finally begins to back off of the ref. Stomps by Akio. Akio slaps on a sleeper so the camera can follow Carlito. Akio gets an enzoogweeree, then covers without hooking the leg. Bill Demott is rolling over in his grave. Akio with a key lock. Akio lock. Sho sent to the ropes, ducking a fancy jumping kick, and he gets Akio with a back body drop. Sho with a bulldog for 2. Sho whips Akio to a corner, Akio reverses, Sho hops up to the middle turnbuckle, and goes for THE STUPID! It was a springboard crossbody that was gonna fall well short had Akio not spinning heel kicked him out of the sky. Got him right in the mush, too. That gets 2. Akio up…spinning corkscrew misses! Sho up to the second rope, Rising Sun (uncalled) gets the 3! He really stuck it, too. Now Tazz claims Akio split his pants. Um…we don’t get a shot of it, anyway. Carlito wants Joy to sign. She declines, woodenly. Fan: “NO MEANS NO!” Heh. Carlito produces an apple. Joy is stunned and dismayed. He pretends he’s gonna spit, but doesn’t. Tazz: “Thank God he didn’t do that, Cole.” Oh God in Heaven, we thank you for not having Carlito spi…oh, now he spits. Shades of the Mathews incident. Joy is distraught. Fans: “You suck!” Hey, don’t be mean to Joy.

Commercials. Thank God, and God’s only son. You know the one. Jesus.

Why do they refuse to tell us what state the Mohegan Sun Casino is in?

I’LL FIND MY STRAITJACKET WHO TOOK MY STRAITJACKET hasn’t had his straitjacket in a while. DEAD HEYMAN WALKING meet with WHAT’S THAT YOU WANT ME TO SIGN, CARLITO? Is it cold in there, John? Heidenreich feels himself as Heyman talks about how awful the casket match is. Heyman: “Then, as you breathe your last gasp of air, that’s when the worms and maggots climb all over your body.” Yeah, the worms and maggots are stored in a time-release capsule. Just don’t talk about soiling yourself to sell this crap, ok? Heh…crap. Heidenreich “acts.” SA: “Perhaps Paul Heyman will get a really uncharismatic rabbi to…” and we break down. He can’t pronounce “shalom” or something. He keeps wishing people slalom. Teddy books Heidenreich and Heyman vs Taker in a handicap match, tonight. Well, I guess we know how Heyman is gonna get written out.

SMURF HANGNAIL tells OFFICERS WHO PROBABLY AREN’T SLATER VAIN to protect his medals. I’VE GOT PEAS and I’VE GOT J come in to high-five him. TOM GREEN TASTED YUCKY comes out with her awful tiara. Amy talks about how great of an image consultant she is. Kurt thinks she’s positioning herself to side with Kurt in case he wins the title. Kurt: “You’re a very smart woman.” IQ of 300. Though I may have to prevent Amy Weber/Amy Anderson from achieving Rey/Raye longevity since I fucking hate Amy Weber. Amy talks all sexay and invites him to her private locker room. Why the fuck would she have a private locker room?

Commercials. The Land Before Time: Invasion of the Tinysauruses is new for DVD. How can our heroes fend off their vicious, tiny, soul-sucking fiends? By the way, I hope the Land Before Time crowd enjoyed Amy trying to seduce Kurt, and whatever sex comedy it’s leading to.

Royal Rumble ad. Is JBL mocking the melodramatic douche pose?

BURP STANGLE is out with OH NO, COPS! Kurt decides to give himself a 3 minute time limit this week. SOME JOBBER WHO WAS BORN IN THIS CASINO comes out, but he won’t talk into the microphone because he doesn’t want to cheap shot him. Oh, he reveals we’re in Connecticut. Dumb ass jobber gets cheap-shotted anyway because he stopped looking at Kurt. Kurt beats him up. Paintbrushing (fake) and the Anglelock ends it in like 20-some seconds. Tazz: “If Kurt does have business, I’m sure Amy’s hoping the business lasts longer than that match!”

THE MILLION DOLLAR PIECE OF SHIT is a good nickname example of how bitter I am this week. He runs into TORRIE “THE DRAGON” WILSON and JACKIE’S GAYDAR IS SADLY SILENT. Torrie introduces herself, and wonders if he remembers her. Puder: “Of course I do! I won your sex test! And you were on the cover of Playboy magazine, which is cool if that’s your thing.” He really wanted to be on the cover of Playboy, and is just trying to be cool. Then he remembers details of Jackie’s Tough Enough win. Someone notify ChainClaw! Maybe he’ll Google this. Puder: “The best part is when you were talking to your boyfriend on the phone, and, heh, you were trying to get you to stay with you when you cheated on him! Whatever goes around comes around, just like Charlie Hass dumping you. Ha! Better luck with men in the future. You two can go now.” Those lines would have been good if someone else was delivering them. Torrie and Jackie leave in a huff. Puder: “Women, they’re all the same.” SA: “Unattractive to me.” Supes was saying that as Puder, I should note.

Commercials. Some critic praising that “Good Company” movie claims that this is a “holiday season up to it’s neck in darkness.”

I took a break for some DVDs (including Rini’s transformation into the evil adult “Wicked Lady” for all of three episodes,) sleep and a crappy workday here. Couldn’t face the prospect of a Battlerap without some shut-eye. I mean, I like Kenzo ok, but Cena is an expert at making things not funny. We should team up. The competitors will be introduced by NOT COOL ENOUGH FOR CARLITO, Michael Cole, so get ready for a hilarious “Cole is gay” joke. First out is SUZUKI YUREMESHI (w/YU YU HIROKO.) Kenzo has shaved his face clean, and is dressed in an Uncle Sam outfit. Hiroko is…Hiroko. Kenzo will be accused of pants pooping by CHECK IT OUT, I HATE THIS GUY! He high-fives some chubby suck-up fan and takes the kid’s “Chain Gang” sign into the crowd. Oops, the intro got too far, as we hear: “Screw Deadman Inc, we about to make you famous, taking over Earth but we still kickin’ in Uranus.” When is this face on face violence gonna stop? Cole announces Kenzo vs Cena at the next Smackdown. Um…why? Kenzo: “Enough!” He grabs the mic, and in an impossibly strong Japanese accent says: “John Cena, you are about to get served! Check this out! Hoto dog, appulu pie, Independence Day, Kenzo loves, U-S-A!” The fans boo. They aren’t patriots. Kenzo continues: “*something indecipherable* 1, 2, 3, become US champion, you can’t see me! Word rife!” He did the gestures and shit, including the stupid shoulder wiggling before Cena’s foes are wiped off said shoulder. Cena responds by saying that the real Americans are the fans, and that Kenzo is a fag. Oh, wait, the rhymes. USA/gay, about/trout, pole/Cole (Michael leaves despondent because his faggotry was implied,) place/face (more “Hiroko’s white face” humor,) glance/pants, winter/spinner. Now Kenzo makes Hiroko sing some pop song. I don’t really listen to the kids’ music. She gets boos, anyway. Cena says that if “Yoko Ono” ever comes at him with J-Z or whoever again “The King of New York will kiss his bleep yourself.” On behalf of New York, he will kick his bleep yourself. Cena trots out MORE DIVA SEARCH LOSERS. Were there any women on Earth who weren’t in the Diva contest? Cena introduces the whores. “Cena” is chanted. Kenzo likes the middle one. No, now he puts the moves on the third one. Kenzo makes kissy-faces. Hiroko attacks the chick, but gets defeated because Hiroko belongs to one of those lesser races. Skanks are the master race. Mistress race, maybe. Lots of women with bullwhips racing across the country. Kenzo attacks Cena for no reason, and gets his ass kicked. Cena steals catchphrases from Static Shock, and thank God this is finally over. Hey, wait a minute…we got gay jokes, spray (on Hiroko’s face) jokes…WHERE WERE THE POOP JOKES? Cena, I demand you talk about Kenzo’s bowels.

Commercials. The Getaway 2 is Grand Theft Auto: London, basically. “Savage” Steve Regal leads a vicious gang of Blue Bloods which includes “Ruthless” Robert Eaton, The Blue “Really” Meanie, and their eye-candy T’ “and A” Pol.

I hope the Vulcan joke didn’t get lost in there with the retarded nicknames joke.

RECITING VERSE DRAMATICALLY is here with YOU DON’T WANNA FIGHT WICKED LADY? OK, I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT. Chad and Gramps are in the back, being insulted by Daniel Puder. He isn’t actively insulting, his existence just insults some people. In this case, people who don’t exist. Cole, to Tazz: “I’ve lived in your world for five years!” DEAN DOUGLAS (w/DEAN DANNYLAS and ODDLY JOCULAR are my three favorite members of whatever JBL and his cabinet are collectively called. The laughably overdramatic “Kill Bill” music is back. The Bashams both have “S.O.D.” on their trunks. JBL brought them back together, or Danny would be S.O.L. I need to check with a certain esteemed colleague and find out what that means. I think I know, but I also thought I knew Edge. Circling to start, lock-up, and Doug forces RVD into the corner. Doug slaps RVD on the break, with the same “sure, I’m gonna job, what of it?” feistiness he once had against Gunn and Holly on Velocity. RVD shoves him, then kicks at nothing as Doug backs off and points threateningly. “RVD” chant starting as the boys exchange waistlocks and stuff. RVD gets some kinda armbar takedown, Doug turns it into a scissors headlock, RVD kips out of that and they do the “ha, we are evenly matched, ahaha” pose as Rey shouts, “Yeah baby! Yeah!” at ringside. RVD points to himself with his thumbs. Doug tries to attaxor as Rob poses, but his kick is caught and he gets atomic dropped. Tazz: “You know Cole, when you see one Basham, you see two. And quite frankly, they look a lot alike, you know what I mean? They got that bald head…kinda like me and I, but different, you know what I mean Cole?” Cole: “I look nothing like you.” Tazz: “Well that’s good, that’s a good thing. You’re a girlpants and I’m a man.” Doug ducks out of the ring and attacks Misterio. Rey fights back, and that’s all the ref saw as he ejects Misterio. Flinging him away with one hand. RVD baseball slide kicks Doug down, then does a moonsault off the turnbuckle to the floor! Tazz thinks he almost slipped off entirely, and for some odd reason they show a replay that does indeed make the near-botch clearer. Both men back in, and Doug tosses RVD outside. Danny distracts Rob, allowing Doug to ram RVD’s back into the apron. Back in the ring, and Doug drives knees into RVD’s back. Danny talks some smack. Bow and arrow by Doug. RVD starts potting up, and gets out, but Doug whips him into the corner. Nick Patrick says something in his ogre voice. Doug goes up for a modified THE STUPID, and sends his chin flying right into RVD’s extended boots. Both men slow to rise, but RVD is up first with clotheslines and kicks and stuff. Doug sent to the corner, and RVD does a rolling monkey flip to get him out. Doug sends RVD into the corner, but runs into a back elbow. RVD hops up top and gets his jumping thrust kick thingamie. Rolling Thundarr, and Danny grabs at Rob’s boots to prevent the 5 Star. OJ into the ring behind the ref’s back, slipping Doug a roll of quarters or a tiny pipe or something. RVD KO’s him with a kick. He and the ref see the weapon, and go to yell at OJ. OJ promises to find the real pipe-into-the-match-sneakers. Meanwhile, Danny switches with Doug. RVD goes to pick up Danny, and is rolled up…for 2! Oops. No matter, as Danny immediately hits the Baldo Bomb (I shit you not) for 3. In a nice touch, he quickly rolls out to where Doug is, and revives Doug to go accept the credit for the win. Tony Chimmel announces Doug as the winner. Cole: “It wasn’t Doug Basham, Chimmel, you fool, who won the match, it was actually Danny Basham!” Chimmel, YOU FOOL!

Backstage, I’M GONNA NAIL AN IMAGE CONSULTANT AND END MY BROKEN FRIGGIN’ MARRIAGE finds Amy’s dressing room. He knocks, but no one answers, so he goes in.

Commercials. I wonder if these “Blaggers” The Getaway 2 is talking about are just British bloggers?

We’re back, and Kurt is in a lockerroom. Nothing is happening. He goes into another room within the lockerroom. Someone is showering, so after thinking about knocking on the curtain (huh?) he begins to undress. That’s what you or I would do, right? It’s only natural. Now Kurt fondles his own nipples. Thank you so much, Smackdown. Shades of Dusty Rhodes. Oh yuck, the pants come off, and we can see how excited Kurt is. That or he’s stuffing big time. Maybe both. JOY TO THE WORLD: I AM A SKANK is in there, not Amy. I gave her boldface because her appearance is such a shock. Kurt manages to accidentally steal her towel and sees her naked. Joy runs around the backstage area with her towel, and Kurt chases, trying to apologize. He finds JOY IS MORE PRECIOUS TO ME THAN HALF A HAMBURGER. Angle tries to explain while zipping up his pants. Show angry. Show chase. They end up in the ring, Sho beats up Angle, ANGLE’S HEAVIES, THOUGH NOT AS HEAVY AS HIS WEINER LOOKED come out to die as well. Hey, let’s play that theme song that has been helping fans laugh at Big Show for years.

Commercials. OH NO. I missed the replay of that Missy Elliot Hip-Hop Hippo Idol thing.

Cole: “Many people say that moments ago Kurt Angle got just what he deserved.” Cole polled thousands of people during the commercial break. Here’s a replay of FIVE MINUTES AGO. Then JUSTIFIES BLATANT INFANTACIDE is backstage with NOT THE BASHAMS. Come on, JBL, give Doug some dap! I was torn on whether to use “blatant” or “Black.” Oh wait, I did JBI again. The FBI has cursed me. They reveal that Amy’s lockerroom that it made no sense for her to have was secretly Joy’s lockerroom it makes no sense for her to have. JBL quotes Murdoch of the A-Team. Cole thinks JBL is a puppetmaster. Or maybe a tool.

RAW Rebound: Instead of a silent bleep, ass becomes *wacky rattle sound.* Batista’s clotheslines get shotgun foley. For some reason, the evil Arabs are totally ignored. HITLER LITE punches a wall. SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR BOOKING THE WRESTLERS TO WRESTLE SOMETIMES offers words of encouragement. This is all pretty depressing.

Commercials. Hey, check it out, one of the Mercenaries is Green Lantern.

NAZI AND JEW, NAZI AND JEW, A TEAMING SO WACKY, HOW COULD THEY LOSE? is out first. The lights go out. Bong. Here comes OH MAN, I GOTTA MOVE AROUND THIS WEEK? Don’t tire yourself out, Taker. Walk to the ring nice and slow. Tazz: “This match should be every, just as good, as Eddie Guerrero and Rey Misterio was at the top of Smackdown!” Jesus Christ, Tazz. Lock-up, arm-wringer by Taker, Heidenreich reverses…gets a headlock, sent to the ropes, and Heidenreich gets a shoulderblock. Taker grapples, Heidenreich gets another headlock…Cole talking about “cruel and unusual punishment” and he isn’t expressing sympathy for me. Heidenreich gets another shoulderblock, then gets armdragged. And another undead armdrag. Taker looking for Old Skule, but Heidenreich punches him off the top. Why the Hell isn’t anyone else allowed to do that? Heidenreich rails Taker with devastating blows. Or maybe he just blows. Heidenreich covers for 2 of punches or something. Ninja Choke-out. Cole doesn’t want to see Heyman in tights. Taker punches out of the chinlock, but gets clotheslined. That gets a long 2. So much drama. Taker tosses Heidenreich into the corner. Punches. A knee. Heidenreich knees him back. Flying clothesline by the Taker. Cole: “As he looks to shit momentum!” He probably said shift, but it sounded like shit. Taker gets Snake-Eyes at some point. Old Skule works this time. Taker strikes the urn pose. Guess he’s tuckered out, so it’s angle time. JOBBERS IN BATHROBES come out with two caskets. Heidenreich graces us with “crazy” and “scared” all at once. He can’t let it end this way. He’s gotta keep on living, for Little Johnny. Taker uses magic gestures to open the caskets. Heidenreich tags in Heyman and flees. One of the greatest wrestling minds in history is tombstoned by my least favorite wrestler, because my least favorite wrestler isn’t strong enough to do that to other wrestlers anymore. You know, Taker looks a lot like Gowron. Heyman gets put in a casket by a shitty WWE icon. The symbolism is eerie. And stinky.

Final Thoughts: I don’t think rebeaking two two-hour shows a few days apart is something I’m going to jump to do again any time soon. Especially when one of them is Smackdown. I feel bad now that I was so snippy during the RAWbeak. Everything after the opener (except maybe Sho/Akio/Carlito) was a steaming turd. Well, see you next week.

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