Vince is dead. Here’s a montage to prove it. Hey, someone left a teddy bear dressed as Eugene at his pretend grave. There’s also a sign that says “You will always be our chairman.” La Parka begs to differ.
VINCE DESERVED TO DIE BUT NOT AS MUCH AS CHURCHILL hates Winston Churchill a lot, you know. He’s in the ring, in a suit, apologizing for making fun of Vince. He wouldn’t have said these things if he knew Vince would “spontaneously combust.” He thanks Vince for taking someone like himself, not a Hoganesque muscular dude or an HBK pretty boy, and turning him into a star. HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, IS GONNA MAKE THIS HEARTACHE JUST GO AWAY comes out, not exactly heartbroken, more pissed off. He insults Mick’s tie, then points out that Mick has always hated Vince and his apology is a bunch of crap. He makes a good point. He then implies that Mick killed Vince. HERE COMES A NEW KING BOOKER invades wearing a lovely suit. Orton, by the way, is in jeans and a T-shirt (not a Booker T-shirt) and completely dragging the level of class down. Booker informs us that a federal investigator is going around axing questions. He points out that Lashley hates McMahon and is, apparently, an explosives expert. He has “intimate knowledge” of weapons and explosives. He sexes them. LET ME PULL MY PENIS OUT OF THIS BAZOOKA AND RESPOND comes out and simply shoves Booker the fuck over. ALLOW ME TO EULOGIZE MISTER MCMAHON WITH SOME FART JOKES now invades to his typical mixed reaction. It takes him about eight hours to say it and he works in male escorts, but he essentially says “we need to stop accusing each other and get on with the show.” PERMANENT INTERIM TEMPORARY ETERNAL GENERAL MANAGER invades. Coach says that in light of Vince’s death, he has been given control of RAW “on an interim basis” argh. He spontaneously gains and loses the power to book RAW ten times an episode. He books everybody except Mick against everyone else in a tag match, then books Mick versus Umaga.
Commercials. Shrug.
Paul and Spanky were DRAFTED FROM VELOCITY, which no longer exists. Whether they were drafted using one pick or two is unclear, though JR claims that they were “the number one pick.” There opponents are THE WORLD’S GREATEST WIFE-BEATERS, who are wearing wife-beaters for some reason. JR talks about how tall an order this will be for the RAW newbies, ignoring the fact that London and Kendrick were undefeated for like a year on Smackdown while the biggest victory Haas and Benjamin have had since Team Angle ended was winning a feud with Cryme Tyme by default when Shad was considered too shitty to be allowed to wrestle, ever. London starts with Haas, who takes him down and does float-around amateur stuff. London does flippity armbar stuff and a roll-up for 2. Haas downs him again and drags him to the evil corner, where Shelton kicks Paul right in the fucking face. Haas stomps and chokes as we get a replay of the fancykick. Tag to Shelton, and the WGTT do a really involved doubleteam that basically just ends with a clothesline. Lawler seriously argues that Paul London must have killed Vince because he was smiling during Vince’s long, dull walk backstage last week. Benjamin does some stuff that I miss listening to Lawler be an idiot. Kendrick is tagged in, and evidently so is Haas as Haas runs up and then stands around waiting to get springboard dropkicked by Spanky. Kendrick does hippity-hoppity-attax. Shelton breaks up a cover, and then gets ranaed out of the ring by London. Haas tries to German Suplex Kendrick, but Kendrick lands on his feet and gets the Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot #3. Which wins him the match. Lawler declares it an upset because, again, he’s an idiot.
The Federal Investigator Guy talks to Jonathan Coachman. We aren’t privileged to really hear any of it.
Commercials. I don’t care about Burn Notice.
MAKE SPIT NOT EXPLOSIVES is here. The announcer asks us to please welcome him, so I guess he’s not going to wrestle. Oh, and he’s in plain clothes, so yeah. He tells us that Mister McMahon was cool, then moves on to brag that Torrie and Ric are off of his show. He runs out of things to say at this point (he mentions that he’s “Caribbean” for the first time in forever) before ENTER THE PUBLIC DOMAIN MUSIC invades through the crowd. What possible point could there be to Sandman leaving ECW? Carlito talks tough, but flees when Sandman hits the ring. Sandman is looking pretty dumpy. And…the segment ends.
Commercials. Yawn.
Our Burn Notice of the Week is Cade and Murdoch cheating to win.
WACKY BLACKS are Cryme Tyme. They pretend to be somber, but then launch into a hilarious sketch about how they like to sell stolen things. The investigator guy invades and the sketch sort of dissolves. For some reason we end with a close-up of a candy bar.
LANCE HEEL AND TREVOR EVILDOCH are at ringside, but Muhammad Hassan’s music is playing for some reason. Oh, already in the ring is REAL DAIVARI. Not fake Daivari. He will be taking on THE NORMAL HAIRED WARRIOR, who is Jeff Hardy without his usual retarded hair coloring. They should team up and be the rainbow turbaned warriors. Jeff does appear to have some lovely blonde highlights, now that I look a little closer. Daivari starts out with punches and kicks. He has lovely spangly blue pants. Jeff takes over with his weird, faggy moves. Scoop and a slam. Finger guns. Jeff goes up top, but Daivari crotches him. I sort of tune out and miss Daivari doing…stuff. Something gets 2, and the crowd chants “2.” Modified ninja chokeout by Daivari, Jeff fights out, and they trade punches. Jeff does running-around jumpy offense, and gets 2 off of…something. I’m really tired for some reason. Lawler asks JR for some background on Daivari, but JR is saved by Whyspyr yn thy Wynd getting 2. Jeff does that thing where he sits you in the corner and goes to the second rope and dropkicks you in the chest. Lawler: “You know what this will give you? The pirate’s dream, it’s a sunken chest.” That move is henceforth to be known as the Ass Pirate’s Dream. Hardy gets a suplex for 2. Daivari spontaneously stops being dead and gets a scoop slam and a legdrop for 2. Jeff decides that Daivari getting offense is stupid and gets the Twist of Fate out of nowhere. Swanton Bomb, 1, 2, 3. Cade steals the announcer’s mic and starts yelling that Jeff and Matt are unsportsmanlike. Murdoch gets the mic and blames the Hardy’s for forcing them to cheat and let down all their fans, haha. Jeff ends the promo with a plancha.
Haha, up next, according to this graphic, “BLOWN AWAY” and a bunch of pictures of the limo explosion. Lawler and JR act all respectful, but right there on the screen in all-caps is “BLOWN AWAY.”
Commercials. Hardee’s disses real restaurants.
Coachman complains to some mystery guy on his cell phone that being GM is hard because you have to do lighting cues. He has to meet someone from “Chic Productions.” Oh wait, it’s “Sheik Productions” as WHAT, SUPERFLA? invades. It would be pretty sweet if he won a permanent spot with last week’s promo, because that promo was fucking fantastic. Coach: “Sheik Productions, I got it, I got it.” The Iron Sheik: “You absolutely right Mister Coach, all intelligent people know since Munich Olympic, to the Hall of Fame WWE, especial Mister Vince Kennedy McMahon, he’s a busy man but everybody know I deserve but to have my own show, and Sheik Show or Sheik Productions Show.” Coach: “So you’re telling me you want your own show here on Monday Night RAW, your own talk show?” Sheik: “You’re absolutely right Mister Coach, because you’re Allah Yamaha-ma-mat.” Coach promises to consider it. Sheik: “Mister Coach, you busy man…” He keeps talking but I’m pretty sure the rest is in one of them foreign languages. I WISH I COULD TALK LIKE THAT is Faarooq, who ruins everything by saying “Damn.” Actually it is sort of funny because Sheik is so shocked that part of his turban falls off.
I WILL URINATE AND THEN DESTROY YOU is William Regal, who hits on TELL ME ABOUT THE RABBITS, SANTINO. Regal got drafted, which is cool. THE ITALIAN JOB(BER HAHAHA ZING) walks in and says hello, but Regal says “the Italian” the way you might say “vomit with turds mixed in” and leaves. Santino and Maria have one of their vague moments.
Todd Grisham talks to Vince’s limo driver. A lot of overacting ensues. Turns out he was away from the limo talking on his cell phone. I’m sure you were concerned.
Commercials. RAW energy drink. Available only at Walmart because other retailers aren’t extreem enough to sell it.
Another sad montage with the Eugene bear.
Oh shit, this is in Richmond, I almost could have gone to this.
DICK FOLEY HAHAHA is out doing some half-assed Cactus Jack finger guns. He’s been totally co-opted by the Hardyz. Hahahaha, Jim Ross does a really sedate, quiet plug for Skittles. Foley’s opponent is I ATE ESTRADA. Signs that say Umaga ate things are FUNNY. Foley cheapshots Umaga on the apron, knocking him to the floor. He follows Umaga out and bites him. Umaga punches back, but Foley ambushes him again when the reenter the ring. Foley stops to do finger guns and runs into a clothesline. Umaga clubbers some, and Foley ends up on the floor. He follows Mick out with THE STUPID, jumping into a punch. Foley starts screaming incomprehensibly and rams Umaga into the announce table. He gets a chair and kills Umaga with it, but stops to look cool and gets the chair kicked in his face. Umaga sits Foley against the steel steps and Face Full of Pois him into the steps. It looks pretty hilarious because Umaga ends up sitting contentedly on the steps considering Foley’s corpse with a big smile on his face. I guess this is a no-contest as we now get a Horde O’ Refs ™ checking to see how dead Foley is.
A limo arrives. Somewhere, Shane Douglas just came all over his unemployment check.
Another three hour RAW with all three brands next week? Why?
Commercials. God, aka Morgan Freeman, gives super powers to more comedians.
Earlier tonight, fighting fatties.
Some pretend doctor (THE pretend Doc-tor!?) asks Foley some medical-type questions. He’s not as good as the guy who asked Edge if he could feel his toes. That Federal Investigator tries to interrogate Foley while he’s concussed, which would have been hilarious but doesn’t happen.
WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH? is Ken Kennedy, who gets a big face pop. I mean really big, this guy is about to be the biggest face on the show when they sick him on Cena. Kennedy: “It’s no secret that I really didn’t get along with the Smackdown audience, but I, I really, really really really really…really don’t like you people at all.” Hahaha, Ken Kennedy is the best ever. He goes on to tell us that Mister McMahon was the best ever and we didn’t deserve him and that he will dedicate his life to Vinnie’s memory. He makes the mistake of saying “don’t start that crap” when a few fans “what” him, so the entire crowd joins in. But then he makes it better by denying them pauses.
The limo continues to exist.
Commercials. I’m a little lad who loves berries and cream.
Here’s an “In Memory of Sensational Sherri” graphic. I bet she’s just faking too.
Sorry.
JOHNNY WHO? is Melina, who has a new Stupidtron video which deletes all references to Nitro. Did he get drafted to another show? I have no Earthly idea what’s going on anymore. Johnny Who just may be the son of Doctor Who. There’s a funny point in my bathroom reading book on Doctor Who in which a discussion of some obscure continuity point regarding the first Time Lords and discovering the secrets of time travel ends with “you might think that’s really neat, but only if you’re the sort of person who thinks it would be really cool if it turned out the Doctor was Anakin Skywalker’s Dad.” Those fans are out there, you know. Busily reworking their fanfics about the Ninth Doctor marrying Rose and all the Doctors attending the ceremony. Leela the cavewoman is the maid of honor, and Adric’s reanimated corpse is the best man. Anyways, this is a diva tag match, and…oh, JR is talking about Sensational Sherri, and I honestly didn’t expect it to get that much acknowledgement. Oh joy, FEAR MY DEATH BREASTS has been drafted to RAW. That’s Gillian. When last I saw her, her gimmick was that she was annoying. No, seriously, she sings poorly. Oh great, she’s still doing it, singing a “comically” bad Amazing Grace. FINALLY, THE FORMER PORN STAR, HAS COME BACK, TO RICHMOND invades before Gillian can get too far, but her entrance is quickly invaded by FINALLY, THE PLAYBOY PLAYMATE, HAS GONE BACK, TO ROTATING. What the fuck, did the cameraman just fall over? Melina no-sells Candice’s sexayness. Candice and Gillian start. Candice wrings Gillian’s arm a lot. Lawler, for whatever reason, decides spontaneously that the Oklahoma Roll isn’t a real move. Melina trips Candice up, and gets killed, but it allows Gillian to take over anyway. Gillian whips Candice into the corner and does the Chynaese Elbow for…1. Tag to Melina, who kicks Candice in the boob. Hair-pulling. The fans chant for…something. Melina chokes Candice some, and Gillian does some heelish attacks from the apron. Gillian tags back in and beals Candice. Tag to Melina as Lawler and Ross speculate about who blew up the Hummer. I mean limo. I miss some stuff and Melina covers for 2. Candice hits a move and struggles to the corner. Melina just barely cuts off a tag, and then the tag gets made anyway. Lawler delivers a horrible one-liner, and JR burns him by saying, “King I don’t think it’s a time for levity quite frankly, or an attempt at levity more specifically.” Mickie does jumpity face offense and blows (heehee) the “greatly improved” Candice out of the water without being all that friggin’ great. Perfectplex, but Melina kicks out. Gillian runs in, but charges into an elbow and gets ranaed to death. Mickie and Melina trade some blows, and Melina gets some fancy neckbreaker. Gillian breaks that up. Gillian lifts Mickie up and Melina sort of bulldogs her and it was almost the Death Sentence except no one jumped off the top. Candice returns to send Gillian to the floor. Mickie has Melina pinned but the ref doesn’t notice. As soon as he does, Melina finally kicks out. Then she spontaneously wins with some new move where she Slop Drops Mickie, but does a splits on the way down so her leg ends up covering Mickie’s throat. The Slut Slam.
Commercials. Adam Sandler and the King of Queens guy team up and pretend to be gay. And I die a little.
Some announcer: “The future of ECW will be decided, on ECW!”
No one has shades to remove, but Lawler and Ross still assure us this is really real. Then we get edited highlights of Vince McMahon exploding. Somewhere, Michael Cole is shouting “Vince McMahon exploding!”
Meanwhile, a limo still exists.
HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, WILL MAKE ME THINK THAT ADAM SANDLER IS GAY is out first for the main event. His partner is *INSERT KING OF QUEENS GUY JOKE HERE* with Sharmell. Sharmell is hot, she’s one half of a comedic TV married couple, so how come Booker T isn’t disgustingly fat? Their opponents are BIG DUMB BLACK GUY and BIG DUMB WHITE GUY. I’m tired, sue me. Lawler: “Federal finger!” Booker and Bobby start. Staredown. These guys feuded for a million years, if you’ll recall the “Clear and Peasant Danger” fued from Smackdown. Lashley backs Booker into the corner, but eats a cheapshot on the break. Bobby takes over with punching. Suplex. Booker throws a thumb to the eye. Lawler claims Booker and Lashley have never been in the same ring together (ugh) and…Jesus Christ, Ross agrees. This is almost as bad as when Lawler didn’t know Smackdown had a Leprechaun. Booker tries a Lou Thesz Press, but Lashley turns it into a powerslam. Tag to Cena, and God bless them, the Richmond fans boo. Booker flees and tags in Orton, who still jobs out like a bitch to Cena’s house afire offense. Now Lashley and Booker get involved, and the faces clear the ring in decidedly boring fashion. Cole would describe the faces as “rolling.”
Commercials. Room 1408. It’s like a rumpus room, only more terrifying.
Another chinlock, Randy? We take a break from the ninja outchokery to see a replay of Booker cheating to win and put the heels on offense. Cena tries to power out of the ninja chokeout, but gets clubbered. Randy stomps, chats with the ref, etc. Cena reverses a whip and gets a big goofy bulldog for…oh, no cover, nevermind. Naptime. Orton grabs Cena’s boot and tags Booker. The Minnesota Boring Crew. Which is just Arn and Ole, if you ask Josh. Booker does something and covers, but Lashley breaks it up. The heels stomop Cena some. That’s right, stomop. Another chinlock, Booker? Cena elbows out, but runs into an elbow. IRONY. Tag to Orton, who stomps. Garvin Stomp, with extra stalling between the individual stomps that form the larger Stomp. He covers for 2, then we get another chinlock, Randy. Cena starts dragging Orton towards the corner of justice, but Cena starts to go down. Great, they’re seriously selling us the WWE Champion going out to a chinlock. Shockingly, heroically, Cena powers out. Both men clothesline each other and we get another naptime spot. Both men tag, and Lashley destroys Booker with shoulderblocks in the corner. Lashley charges into a boot, but Booker charges into an exploder suplex (OMG EXPLODER HE DID KILL MISTER MCMAHON.) Lashley sets up Shock Treatment (or “domination” if you’re Ross) but Orton breaks it up. Then Cena kills Orton. The ref yells at Cena, Booker kicks Cena out of the ring, Lashley tries the strolling powerslam, Booker slips out, Orton blind-tags in, Lashley spinebusters Booker, Randy RKOs Lashley, and that’s all she wrote. Randy theme music includes the line “Now I’m gonna take what’s mine while you’re burning inside my line.”
STUPIDHO MCDUMBDUMB is the one who’s been sitting in a limo for ninety minutes, and JR reacts like this is the most shocking thing ever. Not shouty shock, quiet, thoughtful shock. Some fan: “HA HA!”
Commercials. Not Subway Wrongway hahaha boosh.
Snitsky package. NEXT WEEK ON RAW OMG I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
Stephanie starts talking before we cut back to the show. She tells Coach she has to come out to address the crowd on her own. Lawler and Ross act all serious some more. We are reminded that every title will be defended at Vengeance, though there’s still no word on who will face Deuce and Domino. They’re the Smackdown tag champions, right? Stephanie’s music is still all slutty, which makes her tearful entrance pretty funny. She thanks us for all the condolence letters we fans wrote (mostly Jason) as the crowd boos. Stephanie announces that next week RAW will be three hours and will be ANOTHER celebration of Vince McMahon. Stephanie basically swears to kill whoever did this to Vince in an odd little transition. Haha, she breaks down and the crowd laughs at her. What a classy city Richmond is.
Final Thoughts: This was just sort of there. A quick trip to wwe.com reveals that pretty much everyone drafted to RAW showed up tonight, and no one who drafted away really meant shit anyway. Hardcore Holly got drafted to Smackdown. Wasn’t he already on Smackdown? What do you mean he main-evented every episode of ECW for like six months and I didn’t notice? Anyway, I hope the Iron Sheik gets a Sheik Show, or Sheik Productions Show, whichever.
