HMM? I’ll finish the Stones of Blood eventually, so you can stop worrying. Had part 1 written for a loooong time while waiting for my image resource to fix its bandwidth issue. I don’t link to them directly; I’m not a little shit.
I don’t believe in spoppzorz (much) so let me just say for the none of you who don’t already know how this week’s show ends, this is an important RAW. But…only the last five minutes, if you’re in a hurry.
MISTER MCZOMBIE reads a prepared statement all flatly with his arms outstretched and comes across as a zombie. FORESHADOWING? He tells us tonight will be the defining moment of his life, that we’ll get unscripted comments from everyone ever to give us the truth about Mister McMahon, and then…he looks at the camera blankly. I have to admit, Vince doesn’t generally give very nuanced performances but he can be pretty effective.
JR and Ross introduce Cole and JBL who introduce Styles and Tazz who shockingly do not introduce Grisham and…whoever else does Heat now.
The show proper opens with a match to determine who gets the first draft pick. Hm. Apparently all of tonight’s matches will be for draft picks, so wow, that means someone from Smackdown AND ECW will have to win at some point! Out first is WWE Champion I AM A MARINE, and he’ll be facing…rock! I was sort of hoping for this, it’s World Champion I LIVE IN A MARINE ENVIRONMENT! Lawler’s voice cracks. I’m half-expecting Lashley to make it a three-way, but perhaps wisely they’re going to let these two just do it up proper. Please, PLEASE give Edge a chickenshit cheeseball win! JR and Lawler seem to be calling this without the help of the other eighty commentators. Edge tries a cheapshot early, but Cena punches in bunches and gets a modified Imperfectplex (modified in that he just did a regular suplex) for 2. Edge gets whipped around a bit, but Cena charges into an empty corner and Edge just blasts him with a running forearm to the back of the head. Edge is instantly all super-cocky as he dances about punching Cena at his leisure. He gets a cover for barely 1 before Cena tries to punch his way back. Edge comes back with a kick when Cena Papa Shangos. Edge dropkicks Cena out of the ring and plays to the crowd. Lawler: “Be careful when you talk about Edge because you’re talking about the man he loves.” Ha…I feel like I should have heard that one a million times but somehow I haven’t. Cena comes back in with a sunset-flip for 2, but Edge quickly clotheslines him back down after the kick-out. Edge with heelish leaning on Cena in the corner. JR gives us a history lesson, and reminds us that Edge has come as close as anyone to having Cena’s number since Cena was initially drafted to RAW and officially became Superman. Cena punches a bit again, but runs into a flying fancykick from Edge. Edge argues with the ref about a slow count or something, turns right into an F-U, but slides out and gets a roll-up for 2. Cena pops up right into a kick. Edge decides it’s chinlock time. SHADES OF RANDY ORTON. Cena powers his way to his feet, and…I really might not hate him so much if he lost the jean shorts. And, uh, presumably replaced them with some other attire. Cena fights out of the ninja chokeout and applies the STFU (never mind me liking him if he changed his attire) but Edge is already in the ropes. Cena runs around like an idiot and gets elbowed in the face. JR starts in with bullshit excuses for Cena, who may be suffering from “jet-lag” due to international touring. Cena with the Throwback, which is called a “Blockbuster” by JR. Lawler mentions Cena FUing Khali, and JR describes Cena’s strength as “legendary.” It aided him well when he fought the Nemean Lion. Cena takes over by doing that one move he does. We can’t see him, even when his five knuckles shuffle, BUTWAIT Edge is up before Cena can get in position to dust his shoulder off! He attempts a THE SPEAR, but Cena evades and Edge goes flying to the floor! Cena tries to follow him out, tussels with the ref briefly, and finally does follow him out. Cena slams Edge against the ECW table, then the steps. He starts tossing monitors around. Looking to FU Edge through the table (!?) but Edge rakes Cena’s eyes and shoves him into the table. Now Edge slides back in, and HAHAHA FUCK YEAH HE WINS BY COUNTOUT AS CENA IS SLIDING BACK IN! Beautiful. Edge, as he retreats up the ramp, is of course all “aw yeah kicked yo ass nobody beats me.” Now the Stupidtron shows us some random montage of superstars and makes Press Your Luck noises to indicate a random computer-controlled draft. And…well well well, HINDU PRESS YOUR LUCK is drafted to Smackdown! He and FAKE DAIVARI appear. I wonder how Real Daivari will react to this. Edge makes “You dare insult the Cailleach?” faces. Actually, he’s more scared than DIT stunned. Just when you thought it was safe to watch Smackdown. Now we can finally get the Khali/Taker Punjabi Prison match we were cheated out of last year.
Up next, “Governor Jesse Ventura” will insult Vince with prerecorded comments.
Commercials. Hey, that guy looks like Justice Payne. Or Justice Smith. The guy who wanted Big Show to come out and plaaaaayaa, whoever that was.
Here’s a montage about young Vincent. It teaches us about his rise to be the head of nWo security. Haha, no. It includes footage of him as a really horrible announcer.
Wow, JORRY GOODU DAY, GUVANORU! looks OLD. No longer fit to come out of retirement and reenter the gladiator sport. Ventura tells us how badass he is as a Navy SEAL and how he doesn’t call McMahon “Mister.” Ventura: “I’ve met with a dictator, the dictator of the world, and I don’t see no beard on you McMahon.” Senility.
PART COACH PART MAN ALL NICKNAME VACUUM tells us that the next payperview will feature a wacky RAW title match with everybody on RAW after tonight’s draft who has ever been a world champion. Or WWE champion. I’m not sure.
Carlito and CM Punk walk around. Odd how whoever scheduled the card knew that Smackdown shouldn’t be in a position to get the next draft pick. Hmm.
Commercials. Prince’s new album is “Planet Earth.” A tribute to his favorite planet, far better than Krankor.
Our WWE Slam of the Week is Jeff missing a swanton, getting his foot on the rope, and getting it pulled off by Murdoch. And then Cade and Murdoch lay out the Hardyz and it’s about damned time.
Weird to see a Slam of the Week have nothing to with the next match. YOUR APPLES ARE LACED WITH DRUGS will be taking on COOL IS MY ANTI-DRUG. Tazz and Styles are calling this one. I wish that by some freak accident Tazz and Cole would be forced to reunite. Carlito backs Punk into the corner and slaps him, but Punk kicks his head off. Knees by Punk. Corner splash attempt (the Punkacider,) but Carlito catches him and does some corner shoulderblocks. Styles and Tazz say Punk was going for “that high knee” and that Carlito had it scouted, so obviously Carlito knows more about CM Punk’s moveset than I do. Wow, the commentators mentioned having things “scouted” and I didn’t react at all. Times sure have changed. Punk kicks his way back because he’s RVD but uglier. Going up top for THE STUPID, jumping into a dropkick. His only addiction is stupidity. Carlito with a fancy dropkick to Punk’s ribs. Carlito with kneelifts to the ribs. Styles: “It wasn’t that long ago that the ribs of CM Punk were bruised because Punk has been embroiled (yum) in a battle with the New Breed faction in ECW, and Carlito knows that.” I was with you until the last four words. Carlito with a suplex, then a cover for 2, then a body-scissors. Raking the eyes, clubbering the ribs, Carlito is getting waaaay too much offense to hope for an upset win. Punk manages to turn the body scissors into a Boston Crab in a pretty neat counter. A Boston Macra. Doctor Who. Never mind. Carlito gets to the ropes and forces a break. Carlito launches Punk onto the top turnbuckle, but Punk comes off with a flying clothesline. Punk catches a kick and just clotheslines. Ducking something and getting a fancykick. Punk covers for 2, and the crowd chants “2.” Punk sends Carlito into the corner and then gets the charging kneelift they were all hopped-up about before. Now looking for a bulldog I guess, but Carlito shoves him off and gives him the Arch Deluxe/Back Stabber/Apple Turnover/Cool Runnings/Memories of Jesus for…wait, no cover, as Punk rolls out to recover. But Carlito goes outside and pulls Punk back in (stupid) and covers…for 2. Carlito wants another of his finisher, but Punk evades and gets the Go To Sleep, Go Directly To Sleep, for 3. We get more Stupidtron Press Your Luck fun, and this time we get THE WHAMMYMAN. It’s the Boogeyman, and Lil’ Boogy seems to not be included. For some reason, CM Punk seems to think this is a huge victory for ECW.
SAME SHIZZLE, JUST A DIFFERENT DIZZLE (I hate everything) is Snoop Dogg, who…gets to talk about Vince for some reason. He mentions Vince’s head being shoved up Big Show’s ass, then calls Vince a bleep before going back to pimping Girls Gone Wild or whatever he does now.
Commercials. Wait, why does the Esurance chick’s hair change color and back again in this ad? I’m sorely tempted to run it back and pay attention. Sad.
Here’s another montage about Vince. HAHAHA, ZACK GOWAN, ROCK! HE KICKS HIS LEG OUT OF HIS LEG. Then he divorces Linda to make out with Torrie, fiahhhhrs a bunch of people, etc. Kiss My Ass Club highlights. Chairshots for Hogan, Flair, etc. Montreal Screwjob. Not a bad little montage.
VINCE IS BAD BUT NOT AS BAD AS THAT MOTHERFUCKER CHURCHILL is out, and…does anyone even get the Churchill joke anymore? Is the qualifier anymore really needed there? Anyway, Foley tells us that if there’s some crazy open challenge for the WWE Title at Vengeance for all former champions, then he’s randomly in! Hooray? Now he talks about Vince. He says Vince gives to charity and is a “super patriot,” but that he’s basically just a big meanie who makes people kiss his butt. He asks, repeatedly, if any of us are Vince’s friends. Not even Jason has a Vince McMahon Friendship Bracelet. He gives us a list of guys who were asked to participate in Vince McMahon Appreciation Night and refused. Apparently Hogan, Trips, Bischoff, the Rock, NBC Sport Chairman Dick “Lost a Ton Due to the XFL” Ebersoll, Shawn Michaels, Trish Stratus, and Ted Turner were all asked to show up. Haha, “Val Venis #1 Draft Pick” sign. Anyway, Foley eventually stops talking.
Commercials. Betty White is still alive? And selling pet meds.
MAYBE I NEED TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME TO “ISANOTHERWORDFORTESTICLES” is already in the ring, wow. Has he EVER won? I mean, surely he won in the actual ECW which had like Chris Chetti and stuff. His opponent is DIDN’T I ALREADY KILL YOU? Umaga. Whom I’m almost certain I’ve seen beat Balls in a pointless jobber match before. Joey Styles tells us these matches are randomly generated by a computer, and they serious expect us to believe Cena versus Edge was random. Psh. Why are Styles and Tazz calling this anyway? Because it will go about five seconds. Umaga kicks Balls, then…kicks him again. Balls is already dead. Samoan Spike, 1, 2, 3. The Stupidtron selects QUEEN! QUEEN! GIT YOU SOME! OHHHHHHHH! who comes out, along with THE QUEEN GODDESS OF HOT. I feel better about rebeaking RAW instead of Smackdown than I have in quite a while. Though didn’t they do an angle with Sharmell betraying Booker to explain his time off to recuperate? Eh. Styles is duly heartbroken that ECW didn’t get the bestest guy ever.
Commercials. Haha, some ultimate fight type event in Ireland tells us about the Irish tradition of fighting and stuff, but the event is headlined by “Yushin Okami.” Maybe it’s really Yushin O’Kami.
SONJAY DUTT, OR PERHAPS THAT’S CHRIS SABIN is actually Steve-O of Jackass fame. He…says a rhyme. Then he seems to thank Vince for all the violence he’s enabled to happen. And…he leaves. Can I leave?
Out next is RAW SUPERSTAR, ECW CHAMPION who has to wrestle more on RAW than he does on ECW. Especially if you count that fucking dreadful gauntlet from a few weeks ago. Michael Cole reads the Skittles copy and gives it no extra emphasis at all, which just sounds bizarre now. HEY, BUB is the Wolverine, Chris Benoit. Who is…still alive, I guess. I thought he died during the Chavo feud. Though that would have involved Chavo triumphing over another human being. Did Benoit ever go after revenge on Mark Henry for making him scream all funny while spitting lots of fake blood? Anyway, Benoit tries to do a badass staredown but he’s like a head shorter than Lashley and never wins. Cole: “If there’s one man that can perhaps out-wrestle Benoit, it may well be Bobby Lashley.” Wait, what? What advantage is poor Benoit supposed to have? Are his adorably short arms supposed to provide a distraction? Anyway, Lashley spinebusters Benoit as Cole is still going on about his (er, Lashley’s) amateur credentials, so JBL helpfully points out that the spinebuster is not a recognized NCAA move. Lashley dominates a boring mat sequence to my mild irritation. JBL: “One of the greatest raconteurs of all time, Vincent McMahon, a great orator reading a statement Michael, I feel sorry for the man right now.” Hee hee, orator. Now I think Benoit is supposed to be winning the rolling-around-touching competition. Double-leg and another spinebuster (feel the moveset) by Lashley. The fans chant for Benoit because they’re smarks. Benoit throws some knees, but gets punched as JBL rages against the ingrates Foley and Venutra for biting the hand that made them. JBL lists off great NCAA champions, mentioning Lou Thesz and, er, Shelton Benjamin. JBL mentions that he was the first man to beat Lashley, and Cole is ready with a slew of facts about JBL returning the job repeatedly. Benoit is chopping, meanwhile. Snap-suplex by Benoit. Cole: “Benoit so pretty.” JBL: “Benoit trained in Stu Hart’s dungeon. Learned things that Bobby Lashley will not surprise him with.” Uh…huh? Lashley lifts Benoit up for something, but Benoit clubbers free. He tries for the crawlspace, but Lashley lifts him up and gives him Shock Treatment, essentially. Chops by Benoit as JBL makes fun of Cole. Shoulder to the gut by Lashley. He wants something, but this time the crawlspace is applied, but right next to the ropes. Loud booing from the crowd for the ECW champion. But…isn’t this ECW country? (Hahahaha.) Benoit looking for the Scorpion Deathlock, but Lashley kicks him away. Going for another lifting power move or other, but Benoit again slips out and goes for the Drei Freunde. He signals for Air Canada, but Lashley is up before he can even ascend. Lashley forces Benoit into the corner, but charges into a boot. Trying for the Scorpion Deathlock again, and this time he applies it, but Lashley kicks out with ease. The crowd is not happy. Lashley spontaneously busts out his strolling “the Dominator, really” powerslam, and…sigh, that wins. Seeing Benoit busting his ass out there and just being a million times better than Lashley won me back over, but for naught. More Press Your Luck, and ECW will win…Benoit. Well, it saves me a nickname, anyway. Poor guy’s career just got set back a decade. JBL is outraged. JBL: “We lose King Booker, Boogeyman and Chris Benoit! Two Hall of Famers and our freak have now left our show!” Hey, why are you calling Benoit a freak? Lashley and Benoit shake hands, boo.
More prerecorded comments, this time from HAIRY MONEY MONEY MONEY HAIR, who has money and hair. I got a little sick of Donald Trump (could you tell?) during the lead-up to Mania and have nothing to say about him here.
Commercials. A Cox high-speed internet ad features two distressingly hot young teens saying “Cox” at every possible opportunity.
Our Ghost Rider of the Week is two of the bimbos from Smackdown fighting. Ashley has pink pirate skulls on her boobs. She accidentally spills coffee on Vince, who suspends her indefinitely. Presumably from some creepy S&M sex harness.
LET ME SHOW YOU MY SATELLITE MANUEVER appears via satellite because she’s been suspended…from a satellite in space. She thanks him for creating the Diva Search (boo.) She regrets spilling the coffee, and adds “I’m suspended over it!” which suggests she’s being suspended over a vat of molten coffee. Then she introduces clips of Vince being mean to Trish by making her strip to her undies and bark like a dog. Then, uh, she says two women should do that to honor Vince tonight. And she arranges (via magic, I suppose) for OLD WIMMEN R FUNNY to come out in, uh, nightdresses and crawl around this weird doghouse set that’s been placed at the top of the ramp. And they bark. For a really long time. Haha, both Moolah and Mae seem to periodically check to see if they’re still on camera or if this completely pointless segment is over yet. Isn’t Mae supposed to be senile enough to do this while Moolah is supposed to still be sane and always trying to keep Mae from embarrassing herself? Eh. Lawler: “Uh, ok.” Pause. “I think we’ve seen enough of these dogs.” The camera finds the only two people in the entire world who think this is funny, or it finds two people laughing at something else. JR: “THEM DOGS WILL HUNT!” Hahaha, wow, that was so completely stupid it cracked me up.
Santino Marella and MVP are walking. Because wow, the computer randomly picked out a match between the two secondary champions of the two shows that have secondary champions! What are the odds?
Commercials. Demons terrorize that “Say Anything” guy. Sometimes rebeaking the ads is the best part of this whole ordeal.
Up next are comments from HIT ME WITH A COCOANUT and MUHAMMAD HASSAN’S DAD. Between cocoanut and Muhammad those nicknames were filled with spelling hazards but I managed to get them both right. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka is a little old to be Jimmy, so maybe he should be James “Superfly” Snuka. James: “Vince McMahon, there’s only one thing the Superfly like to tell you bruddha, that I appreciate all those years with you and you father, but there’s one thing I wanna understand and when I watch that TV, I notice that something is not right bruddah. I don’t know if uh, the coocoo bird is uh, wiping away there, but I just wanna know why are you, you know, different? I don’t understand bruddah.” Awesome. Now bear in mind I am taking great care to transcrible Sheik correctly so what you think are typos are my best efforts to represent his pronunciation. Iron Sheik: “What Superfla? I don’t blame Kennedy Mch-Man bin coocoo or crazy, because I watch the match, and bituminous (?) sir Donald Trump, the richest man, and out of the suns come, ‘tack the Mister McMahon from behind, aaaand take him down, and they cut him, double-cross him, cut his hair, that’s because he bin coocoo, I don’t blame him, but astill, Kennedy McMahon, you play racquetball with me (he totally said this, I’m sure of it) your soul (possibly “son”) wrestling with me and still, you are great athlete, you’re Allah (indicates Allah) Yamaha-ma-mat.”
Jim Ross: “I’d like to thank the closed captioning person for their extra effort in their last interview.” Ha, well, thank you. MUNCHING VIAGRA PILLS is MVP. I sort of like his music. Sorry. His little inflatable sports tunnel entrance is completely awesome, too. And because Rick Scaia seems to hate him but admits to never seeing him, I assume the ghosts of Romeo and Antonio are looking over his shoulders. He is also, you should know, coming. Nobody can hold him no one can control him no one should console him HE’S COMIN’! Nobody can stop him nobody can block him don’t try to defrock him HE’S COMIN’! His opponent is ITALIAN STALLION SOON TO BE ITALIAN GLUE. Not funny. Italian glue is like regular glue but it has chunks of tomato in it. I, for one, am SHOCKED to see Marella wrestling anyone other than Chris Masters. Marella tries to give MVP a single-leg, but MVP gut-wrench suplexes him. MVP informs Marella that he, MVP, is great. Marella takes MVP down with ruthless armdrags. He tries a monkeyflip, but MVP shoves him off and clotheslines the taste (pesto) out of his mouth. MVP does some punches and covers for 2. Ninja chokeout. HE’S COMIN’ like silent ninja death. Marella fights out and they start trading kicks. MVP takes over by switching to knees. Lawler makes a Chuck Norris joke while I struggle to remember some Puro names to compare this unfavorably too. Muta gets enough love in the WV-15, there’s no need to mention him elsewhere. Marella does some stuff, then gets a shoulderblock off the second rope. MVP tries to punch back, but Marella does a jumpy, Hardyesque forearm. Short-arm clothesline, and Lawler talks about how all these superstars underestimate Marella (you mean the ones he’s wrestled other than Chris Masters?) MVP reverses a whip, gets Marella in a Fireman’s Carry, and just drops him on his face. Trying for a shitty, Snitskyesque kick, but Marella evades and gets a “back heel trip” per JR. It gets a long 2. Marella punches, chops, and sends MVP into the corner. MVP reverses a corner whip, has that reversed, but reverses the reversal and gets a big running kick in the corner that looks like it completely missed but is sold anyway. MVP setting Marella up for The Impressive, aka the Play of the Day, and that gets 3. The Draft-o-matic selects NOW I CAN VISIT MY FATHER’S GRAVE to Smackdown. Torrie Wilson. Not Big Show, I think his Dad died pre-bland split. I guess this means Torrie no longer gets to hang out with Ric Flair. Wait, didn’t she debut on Nitro by seducing David Flair? Gross.
Up next, pre-recorded comments from Bret Hart. Wow, way to make his “return” underwhelming. Yeah, I know he was part of the Hall of Fame ceremony, but so what?
Commercials. Huhr hurh buy Quiznos subs not Wrongway subs only a guy with no taste buds would prefer the sandwiches at the fictional chain we made up to be better than. Meanwhile, Hardee’s makes fun of a problem I have never had at a real restaurant. The basic pitch is: “Hardee’s: the restaurant whose employees will ignore you.”
DICK FLAIR YOU SUUUUCK is my Bret nickname and it’s none of your business what it means. Aw screw it, it’s something Bret said in the old EIW e-fed and it was hilarious. Mostly because it was the most coherent part of the promo. Anyway, oops, Bret is done talking, sorry I missed it. There was a bleep.
MIKE TENAY IS A MIZ-OGENYST was actually a pretty fun part of Smackdown when last I rebeaked it, but it appears that he’s doing the same schtick with no development at all here. His opponent is TENAY TAUGHT ME TO KICK THOSE BABY-MAKING BITCHES RIGHT IN THEIR BABY-MAKING PLACE. I bet 90% of the crowd has no idea that Snitsky is a major badass now. Snitsky blocks Miz’ punch and shoves him into the corner. Miz evades and throws some punches that get no-sold. Miz tries to jump off the top on Snitsky, but he catches him and rams him into the corner. Tree of Whoa. Kicks. Scoop and a slam for…2. Punches. Short clothesline, and Miz earns his paycheck with the oversell. Hahaha, that big boot with an abortion related nickname I’m blanking on finishes, during a replay of the clothesline that takes up most of the screen. Nice. Snitsky continues his attax after the bell, and…Smackdown ref whoever this ref is (it would be a tragedy if I failed to recognize Chad) reverses the decision! Styles and Tazz are incensed as Miz, half-out and stumbling up the ramp, is doing “ah yeah you know no one beats me” faces. Smackdown wins, uh, BUT WAIT, HOW CAN I WRESTLE SANTINO MARELLA NOW? as Tazz and Styles do a really empty, empty job of trying to sell this as big. JBL, soulless as he is, manages to sound excited.
WET WEASEL! WET WEASEL! gets to talk about Vince McMahon. He talks about Vince’s chaffing problems when he walks. And then…looks deeply sad.
Commercials. The Western Whopper gives you moustaches. Kind of a switcheroo on the Red Bull idea.
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT MICA IS YA SMART-ARSED FUTURE TART? is Rowdy Roddy Piper, who could actually be bothered to show up in person. And…he merely introduces a montage of DX cock jokes, “poop” being splashed on him, and the first (but not last) time it was implied that Vince pooped himself. Sadly, Shane announcing the he had acquired WCW and starting the historic inVasion angle is no more important than when DX made Vince’s voice sound extra-high through production truck magic. Now back to Piper, who simply leaves. What?
Commercials. Even in super fast motion that Boflex ad felt gay.
VIVA CUBAN? is sort of an MST3K reference, shit, I don’t care about Mark Cuban. He praises Vince in a really hyper way. Very much like the Jackass guy.
ALL EYES ON ME! HEY, YOU THERE, GIVE ME YOUR EYES is Candice, and even a special RAW that will decide the fate of all of humanity via the draft will have Candice beating some diva a billion times better than she is. Her opponent is TOKEN BLACK CHICK who has what has been described as “a special relationship with Teddy Long.” Much like Eugene had a special relationship with an old RAW General Manager. Her outfit is pretty hot. I’m sure you’re glad to hear that. Kristal kicks Candice and pitches her down and kicks her in the leg a bunch. Elbow drop to the leg, but Candice sorta (part 2 of) kinda enzoogweerees Kristal. Candice does some clotheslines. Kristal tries a clothesline, but Candice knees her. Hair-pull backbreaker. Go Daddy Dance. Elbow, and that gets 2. I prefer the Boogie-Drive Elbow to the Go Daddy Elbow. Candice ends up going up top and getting her shitty imitation Tarantula. Kristal tries to do stuff, but Candice does her spinny kick to win. RAW drafts…THAT RAW SUPERSTAR ECW CHAMPION NICKNAME FROM BEFORE WAS LIKE PSYCHIC OR SOMETHING. Yes, the ECW Champion who was on RAW more than ECW is officially on RAW now. Jonathan “No Nickname” Coachman comes out and says that Vince says Lashley cannot be the ECW Champion if he’s on RAW (since when?) and has to be stripped of the title. Coachman asks him to hand over the title (he asks nicely, even) because ECW doesn’t really have a figurehead spokesman. Lashley gives him the belt, but then grabs him by the lapels, repeats himself a bunch, and…lets him go.
MUNCHE MOI, SEÑOR BOB is Bob Costas, whose pre-recorded comments are actually pretty funny. He claims to have idolized Gene Okerlund and always wanted to be offered a spot as a wrestling announcer but had to settle for hosting every Olympics ever and “whatever else came along” (a gentle reminder that he’s so far above all this it’s ridiculous.) Then he makes fun of how he interviewed McMahon and Bobby Knight on the same show and Bobby Knight was his most genteel guest.
Commercials. Shut up, kids can smoke if they want to. Did I wake up in Communist Russia this morning?
John Cena, William Shatner, Jewel, and others drive cars for a show. Yeehaw!
I LIKE UNICORNS faces I LIKE MANBEARS and I’M A MANBEAR ON THE OUTSIDE AND A UNICORN ON THE INSIDE in a Triple Threat Match for another draft pick. I like Elijah Burke’s music for some reason. I just like cocky Black bad guy music. Check, check check, check check and I demand my respect. Anyway, we start with everyone circling, and it looks like Dave and Jeff are gonna lock-up, but Elijah tries to cheap-shot Dave and then runs for his life and rolls out of the ring. And then haha, Jeff rolls out behind him while he’s still showboating at Dave and kills him. Jeff sends him back in, Dave slams Elijah, and covers…but Jeff breaks it up. Dave looks super-pissed (Jeff, rightfully, is all “What? Of course I broke up the pin”) and crushes Jeff in the corner with some shoulderblocks. Short-clothesline on Jeff, and now going for the Batistabomb, but Jeff ranas out. Jeff does runny-aroundy spastic offense, but Dave ignores a corner-whip attempt. Uh…where’s Burke? Jeff tries something like Whyspyr yn thy Wynd, but Dave catches him, and Jeff squirms loose and gets Whyspyr yn thy Wynd anyway. Jeff goes up, Swanton connects, but of course Burke returns. He pulls Jeff out, whips him into the corner post, and rolls back in to cover Dave for 2. Elijah does some kicks and stuff. Jeff is back in, but Elijah does that cool tripping clothesline thing that I guess is like an STO, I dunno. Fancy dropkick by Burke to Dave that sends Batsita to the floor. Elijah wants a whip, but Jeff reverses and does some goofball bulldog variant. Jeff planchas onto Dave for no good reason. Then comes back in and ELUM kicks Elijah. Fancy corner legdrop on Elijah. Going up for the Swanton, but Elijah evades! But Elijah sells being devastated for a minute anyway, giving Dave time to come back in and give first Jeff and the Burke Hollywoodslam 2000s. Batistabomb for Burke, and that’ll do it. Wow, Burke looked like a little bitch there, he really is the new Orlando Jordan. Dave wins Smackdown a draft pick, and it is I WAS ONCE DRAFTED TO DEFEND SLAVERY FROM THEM CARPETBAGGING YANKS. Ric Flair. Dave is all happy because he’s completely forgotten that whole “I pretend to be your best friend and then give you a nutshot so Triple H can beat you with a sledgehammer for two solid hours” angle from Dave’s first face-turn. Oh, and this means Flair and Torrie are reunited, great.
The next legend to give prerecorded comments is I’M GONNA BE YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Captain Lou, Captain Lou, Albaaaaano. He looks slightly less near to death than Bobby Heenan. Captain Lou (who is talking to you:) “It’s uh Vince McMahon Appreciation Night. Heh. He’s got the brain of a dehydrated BB. Put his brain in a pigeon, it fly backwards. That’s right. Heh. He’s no dealing with a full deck and I said, he’s got it together. (?) I’m Captain Lou and I’m talkin’ ta you. I know about McMahon, I known him since he was a little kid, and he’s still a little punk and a kid. Ehhhh, but so what. This is Captain Lou, and I’m talkin’ ta you. Heh heh heh heh. I’m a legend in my own mind. Often imitated, but never duplicated. Whoo! So good, heh heh, so fine, heh heh, so good.” I’m…glad he mentioned McMahon in there before just devolving into cackling catchphrases.
Commercials. Zzz.
Haha, when running down draft picks for Smackdown, JBL doesn’t pause where he should and ends up proclaiming a Ric Flair graphic that preceded a Torrie Wilson graphic “the Nature Boy and the next Mrs. Leyfield!”
Our next in-person legend is TULLY BLANCHARD CREATED CANCER. Dusty: “Let’s talk about, Vince McMahon. One of his favorite sayings is ‘perception is reality.’ Let’s talk about reality. As we grew up together in this industry, I had a dream. He had a vision. The vision was to build the biggest empire in the history of sports entertainment. No matter who he stepped on, no matter who he pushed aside, no matter how many families he put out of work. And he said until I build a temple like we’re in tonight, then that’s the proof of my vision. Well you be the judge of how he got here and who he stepped on, whether it was right or wrong, Vince McMahon’s legacy is in this building. It’s on the sign out front where it says ‘sold out.’ How many of the players that come out here and talked about him tonight were not able to say ‘Hey, Vince McMahon fired me!’ About nine months later they got the call they said ‘I’ll be right back, I’ll be right back.’ That’s reality. That’s reality. So let me lay this on ya. You do not have to love him, you don’t have to like him, you do not have to even agree with his psychology of this industry. I don’t. But one thing I think we all have to do, like it or not, is respect him.” The crowd doesn’t know what to make of that.
Commercials. RAW Energy Drink beats up hapless, anonymous energy drinks.
GENE WOO BY GAWD MEAN whines a bit and then claims ultimate victory when he got to be on Nitro and grumble at the filthy Mexicans.
Now, two, count ‘em two draft picks are on the line in a 15 man, 5 men per brand battle royal. With all the commentators. SMACKDOWN ON TO THE POCOHONTASES are the team of Matt Hardy, William Regal, Chavo Guerrero Junior, Chris Masters and Mark Henry. THE ECW UNORIGINALS YEAH I SAID UN AHAHAHAHA BOOSH are Kevin Thorne, Matt Stiker, Marcus Cor Van, Tommy Dreamer, and the Sandman. Introduced and walking in that order. Bizarre. RAW IS TEAM are Nitro, Dykestra, Eugene, Viscera and Orton. It’s odd to see Nitro being all “go team” and totally smiling and being all happy about touching Eugene. Especially as JR is telling us there’s no teamwork and it’s every man for himself. Aaaand…everyone fights everyone. Striker is the first out. Sandman is out a little later, then Regal and Chavo. Chavo got tossed by Mark Henry, and JBL and Cole argue over who should go tell him not to fight Smackdown guys. Dreamer gets tossed, or maybe he just saw food on the outside hahahaha he’s got a job now those jokes make no sense. Mark Henry tosses Kevin Thorne because he hates fake vampires. Marcus Cor Von is the last ECW guy in there. Henry and Viscera stare down and decide to bounce off each other’s fat a few times. JBL: “All we need is Steven Spielberg and Akebono!” What? Henry punches Viscera, who does that thing where you spit a huge loogie so it looks like a tooth flew out, and Tazz cracks everyone up by following Cole’s crazy oversell of the tooth loss with a casual “yeah, I think he caught him in the jaw.” Both guys tease eliminating the other (read: lean on the ropes) but Henry finally gets a clothesline and actually powers Viscera out over the top. JR says “bull of the woods” a few times.
Commercials. Ghost Rider is a Fat Chick Thrilla.
During the break, Eugene tossed Kenny, and then Orton tossed Eugene to thin the RAW ranks out. It’s now Mizark, Mizatt, Mizasters, Mizonty, and…Orton and Nitro. Monty Cor Von misses a pounce when Matt pulls the low bridge trick and sends himself out. He’s going out out out out out. Nitro gets tossed somehow. Masters goes after Mayut instead of the only surviving RAW guy, and pays when Matt tosses him. Mark Henry works over Matt and ignores Orton. Mark puts Matt on the apron, but Matt chokes him across the top rope using Henry’s own massive bulk. Orton then tosses Henry, and thinks Matt is gone, but actually Orton is just playing psycho and stalks Matt for the RKO. Matt pushes him off and gets a Side-Effect. Matt punches, but Orton sneaks in the RKB. Orton tries to toss Matt, Matt escapes, Orton throws him into the corner, misses a charge, misses another charge, and Matt gets a yodeling elbowdrop. Stalking Randy for the Twist of Fate, but Orton picks him up, drops him onto the apron, and European uppercuts him out to win two draft picks for RAW. RAW drafts (no, please don’t split Deuce from Domino!) ONCE I HAD HAIR AND WAS A MONSTER BUT NOW I HAVE NO HAIR AND AM A MONSTER (Snitsky) and then, well this is an improvement, 80’S BAND MR. MISTER. So much for Kennedy getting revenge on Edge. He gets a pretty good face pop, and indeed, turning him face would basically involve making him feud with heels and no other changes.
Backstage, Vince is still all weird. He’s heading to the ring as we go to break.
COLD STONE, COLD STONE will never again give Kurt Angle a tiny hat so I don’t care what he said in his prerecorded comments. You pretty much know what he said anyway.
I’VE GOT TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER BEFORE THAT RACQUETBALL GAME WITH SHEIK is Vince, who is walking slowly and smiling weirdly. Fan sign: “ViNCE McMahon “DEPreciaTioN” NiGHT!” The c in McMahon is all weird, floating in the air like the first M in McMahon is being raised to the c power or something. This guy must be a more experienced accountant than I because I totally don’t see where depreciation, or even DEPreciaTioN comes into this. The ECW announcer guy gives Vince a mic. He stands there for a long time looking weird. McMahon, not the ECW announcer guy. Vincent Kennedy McMahon: “Thank you.” He drops the mic and starts to leave. Slowly. Eventually he gets backstage, where pretty much everyone in the company is standing around looking awkward. Coachman stops Vince from heading off the wrong way, and points him towards his limo. Patterson and Briscoe are the last ones in the building to see him off, which is sort of nice. Outside, Vince, alone with two anonymous workers taking a smoke break (and the camera man) stands around a bit longer, and then he wanders over to the limo. And hesitates to get in. But finally he does. And the door stays open for a long time. But finally it closes. And the limo explodes. I knew something insane was going to happen, but I didn’t quite figure on that. We see lots and lots of impossibly tall and intense flames and have no commentary (thank God) before we go to black. I wonder if this car-bombing means the return of Muhammad Hassan?
Final Thoughts: I’m glad I got to tape this and rebeak the show itself instead of rebeaking recaps, because one 411 recap’s lead-in was “that show was a bomb” and another was “Mr. McMahon goes out with a bang.” I’m not saying that’s offensive, just lame. As much as I loved the Sheik, and the actual moment of the limo exploding, nothing on RAW was quite as hilarious as Styles and Tazz being the first on-air personalities to respond to this incident on ECW the next night. Not only did the C-Team (hey, I love those guys, but it’s true) have to tell us Vince is really, really, totally and completely, Tazz removed his shades because it’s such a shoot dead, but they had to act offended that the Philly crowd didn’t play along with the mourning bells. I mean really ECW smarks, do you pay money just to go boo? If you can’t get behind an angle where Vince McMahon DIED IN A CAR BOMBING then what joy do you wrench from any of this? To make things that much better, the entire show was dedicated to Vince’s memory, which means his immortal spirit was honored by Matt Striker versus The Boogeyman. Wrestling can be beautiful sometimes. Of course Vince could easily come back, most logically as a new sidekick to The Undertaker, but I’m going to assume this is permanent and give it the appropriate emotional weight. I’m off to dream of Vince turning into pyreflies as I whisper “I love you” and shed tears on my diaphanous white blouse.
