CONGRATURATIONS: Congratulations to the Amazing Sofa King, though he may want to break the exciting news so I’m not saying why I’m congratulating him. And maybe he won’t break the news at all and you’ll all be left to wonder what I’m talking about. Like you always do.
Ok, I worked Monday, which is usually my day off, and the disruption in my routine also led me to not tape RAW. I thought it was the special 3-hour draft RAW, but fortunately (or unfortunately, perhaps) that’s next week and this is another regular boring RAW.
My sources for what happened are THREE, count ‘em THREE RAW recaps at 411. The only guy I’ve never heard of before, somebody or other Wilcox (HAHAHA COCKS) actually provides more detail on the promos than JD “GIT ER” Dunn and the Furious guy combined. SOMEONE’S BUCKING FOR A PROMOTION.
I didn’t use Al Creed’s Raw thoughts from TCR because good or not, I always end up mocking whatever my source is when I do this.
RAW opened with BARNEY! MY PEBBLES! coming out and being all “I beat Khali.” He also mentions how he got drafted to ruin RAW last year. EXTREME MAKEOVER was the first thing that popped (like pooped) into mind for Vince and I’m not changing it. Vince invades and books Cena versus Khali versus Umaga triple threat tonight, because Vince is pissed that he lost the ECW title. On the bus.
Commercials occurred here.
GO STEAL THINGS DADDY is the team of Candice Michelle and Cryme Tyme. Apparently Candice acted all gangsta here. Nobody liked it. Furious argued that it set her character back a year (what character?) Their opponents were ALL OOH OOH AND ALL UHH UHH and PLEASE CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO RATED RKO. That would be Melina, Nitro, and Kenny Dykestra. The good guys win with what two out of three recappers call “the G9.” That’s like 69, but GANGSTA.
I’MA ITALIAN YOU KNOW was backstage hitting on Maria “No Nickname” No Last Name when Vince invaded and was angry at Marella for having a title. Vince forces Marella to defend against fellow Italian Giovanne later tonight.
Commercials again.
Marella must defend the Intercontinental Title against HOLY SHIT CHRIS MASTERS NO WAY! Marella wins in about three minutes with a Red Shirt Rollup. I can’t believe I missed Chris Masters versus Santino Marella I’ve been DREAMING of finally seeing that match for so long.
More commercials.
More backstage fun as Cade and Murdoch congratulate the Hardyz on winning a ladder match (whoopdeeshit) and challenge them, but not tonight, as they want the Hardyz at 100%. Vince comes in and makes the match for TONIGHT because he hates champions. And gays. Apparently he and Jeff had the fruitiest stare-down ever. Then Vince moved on and the camera followed him to Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson, who hang out for some reason. Vince makes fun of Ric for hanging around with women half his age, but Torrie reminds Vince that like all women in the WWE (the WWE or just WWE?) she is implied to have slept with Vince a million times. She does not mention how Dawn Marie killed her Dad which is still the best women’s storyline ever. Vince punishes them both for being faces by booking Ric versus Randy and Torrie versus Carlito tonight.
More commercials yet.
MY LEGEND WILL NEVER DIE took on YOUR CLAIM PIQUES MY INTEREST OLD MAN. I love that I just made Randy Orton say “piques.” This was the now required “long match halfway through the show” semi-main, and had a commercial break. It all led to Orton doing the “I kick you in the head and you act concussed” thing he’s done in every match since two payperviews ago. And winning via Retarded Knock-Off. Two out of three commentators praise Orton for carrying Flair, which makes my head hurt even if Flair is pretty awful now.
For some reason the guys who are being paid to be in my backyard removing trees are sitting around and trying to sing the “Tequila” song but getting it wrong.
Wait for it wait for it…commercials.
DEAN MALENKO ATE MY DOG now faces HE SMILES IN YOUR FACE, ALL THE TIME HE WANTS TO TAKE YOUR PLACE. Carlito and Torrie talk in the ring. Someone says he offers to let her take a walk and lose by count-out, someone says he offers to lay down, but all agree that he ends up giving her the Arch Deluxe when she turns around.
I need to drop Arch Deluxe. So three years ago.
WE ARE HURT now take on SO SORRY TO HEAR IT OLD CHAPS. Apparently a pretty decent match, though it may have been brutally boring as Cade and Murdoch were on offense for most of it with the Hardyz selling injuries. The finish comes with Jeyuff missing a swanton, Cade covering, Jeff putting his foot on the ropes, and Murdoch swatting it off. Hahaha, they return to heelery with the weakest form of cheating imaginable. Matt questions the noble cowboy poets for winning the titles in such an underhanded way, so Murdoch lays him the fuck out with a tag title belt, awesome. Finally something I wish I’d gotten to see.
Backstage, Vince tells Coach about the dark cloud hovering over the World Wrestling Federation or something. The Tiny Toons are not mentioned.
If you’re not Super Asia you weren’t meant to get that, though I could swear I mentioned the promo I’m referring to in an ancient WV-15 or something.
Commercials, probably.
HALF COACH HALF MAN ALL MONSTER is Coachman, who tells us the draft is next week, and it’s also Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night next week. That pretty much guarantees (there’s that word again) that Vince will be embarrassed in some way, possibly involving poop.
Last commercial break. Ever.
ROBBLE ROBBLE FOR SAMOA took on ROBBLE ROBBLE I AM FROM INDIA who took on ROBBLE ROBBLE YABBA DOO in a three-way for the title. Highlighst included Umaga escaping the chokebomb by Samoan Spiking Khali, and Cena winning with an F-U on Khali. All commentators everywhere hope this is a sign that the Khali push is over.
Final Thoughts: Doesn’t sound like I missed a whole lot.
