BLAST FROM THE PAST: Bored at work, I looked though The Cubs Fan's archives and ended up following links to our old content. Highlights included Jason rebeaking a “School of Hard Knocks” match that Al Snow won but not before Chris Nowinski stopped in mid-match to do the “Alas poor Yorick” scene from Hamlet. Also, I rebeaked a match in which Kurt Angle put Rey Misterio in the Lasso from El Paso, and while it was still applied yelled “THIS MOVE SUCKS” at ringside guest Eddie Guerrero, who of course went bat-shit crazy with rage.
I can’t find the rebeak of RAW where Lillian Garcia completely lost it and announced Jericho as being from Winneboga or Canatoba or whatever, which sucks because I totally want to reference that accurately.
A dramatic voice-over guy tells us it’s Memorial Day in America and dedicates the show to the men and women in the US Armed Forces. I wonder if this was broadcast on the Stupidtron in Toronto? Big heel heat for Memorial Day.
I gotta roll the dice, never look back, never think twice. Inspiring. We open with THE MOST DOMINANT UNSTOPPABLE GO-DADDY GIRL EVER who is carrying a big squirt gun. That squirts BOOTY JUICE, I bet. Major pumping required. This is a “Memorial Day Bikini Beach Blast Battle Royal.” Honor our war dead with tits and ass. I didn’t realize all these wimmens were getting separate introductions, so everyone else will have to be covered by INCREDIBLY PATRIOTIC HOS. Extreme Expose have to share one introduction because, I guess they’re so close. What will happen if it comes down to Kelly Kelly versus the one who won the championships, or one of them versus whoever the other one is? Lawler: “This gets my freak juices flowing!” You are horrible. Oh, cool, Melina is in this, so I guess all the women’s stuff is going to be out of the way early. Lawler: “You know you’d love to cover her in barbeque sauce!” Gross. All the girls team up against Melina with squirt guns, and Melina just turns her back and screams. Lawler: “Wet divas!” The Canadian fans are chanting something I don’t understand. I wonder if it’s smarky or horny? Kristal is the first one tossed, between the top and middle ropes which is apparently good enough. Brooke (Brooke?) is tossed. And Maria. Haha, Mickie is hitting Melina with a floatie beach toy, and Melina has to sell it. The championships one is tossed. Some blonde goes. Kelly Kelly, Gillian and somebody else…do…something. Melina desperately tries to set up a doubleteam with some blonde, but the blonde doesn’t understand. Mickie is tossed. The winner of this gets a photo shoot in WWE magazine. Candice tries to toss Melina, but Gillian tosses her. It’s Gillian, Kelly Squared and Melina as our final three. Melina and Gillian do some ridiculous doubleteam on…wait, Michelle McCool? I thought one of these was Kelly Kelly. I’m going on what the announcers call them, and they don’t seem real sure of the non-RAW girls. It’s Melina and Michelle, and I’d assume Melina is winning but she’s on offense and these almost always end with a sudden shock ending. And indeed it does, as Michelle dropkicks Melina out of nowhere, and Melina falls into the ropes, bounces off instead of going through, and has to sort of squirm out under the bottom rope. Michelle seems to have inherited the “Torrie for some reason a heel now” music. Where was Torrie anyway? What do I care?
Commercials. Norbit on DVD. I’ll wait for the special collector’s edition.
Tonight, our main event will be Shane, Umaga and Khali against Lashley and Cena. Yay? CANADIAN DOLLA CANADIAN DOLLA is out. I had to ring up some Canadian tourists’ purchases at work recently, and for some reason the lead Canadian felt entitled to make fun of American money. Seriously, he was laughing and joking about how our money doesn’t make sense. It was bizarre…he didn’t really have any specific objections, except maybe that our money should have animals instead of presidents on it, but he kept insisting Canadian money was “better” and our system “is confusing.” Weird. I’m pretty sure Canadian dollars are made up of one-hundred Canadian cents, aren’t they? Anyway, Shane is as popular in Toronto as he is anywhere else. He has a “major announcement.” Next week, RAW, Smackdown, and ECW will gather (on RAW, of course) for a “Tri-Branded Draft.” Lawler: “Uh-oh! You hear that JR? Tri-Banded Draf!” So much for ECW being it’s own separate thing. Haha, who am I kidding, like this is the death of ECW as a unique non-McMahon brand. Anyway, he assures us even leprechauns aren’t immune from the draft before moving on to discuss tonight’s main event. Shane: “Bobby Lashley as I pin your shoulders 1 2 3 to the mat, and John Cena if you get in my way, I’ll also leave you flat.” He’s a poet and he don’t know it. Shane: “Bobby Lashley I’m gonna beat you so bad I’m gonna call you my honey, because tonight you’re gonna find out first-hand why they call me the money.” Haha, it was supposed to be a poem, fantastic. He dances like an idiot. Lawler: “Strong words, and they rhymed!”
Commercials. Haggar’s Pants invite you to be mean to the cable guy.
We’re back. HARDYZ IN THE HOUSE JR is something stupid Lawler screamed. Last week, the Hardyz were subjected to attax. The Hardyz will be teaming with CADE AND MURDOCH IN THE BARN against THE WORLD’S MOST RANDOM TAG TEAM. Cade looks really gay in his new leather chaps, and there’s a string of black material that cuts across his red tights and really highlights his boner. The WGTT actually get a separate entrance from Nitro and Dykestra, but who cares? Dykestra is wearing Nitro’s furry scarf with no coat, and Nitro plays around with it, which is really, really gay. JR: “Well there’s no doubt that Haas and Benjamin are not amazing athletes!” Later: “Looking for three men to leave, and two to stay!” What’s the sixth person to do? Cade and Nitro fight back and forth. Somebody screams “GET UP NITRO” hilariously but I’m not sure it is. Cade does shoulderblocks, then tags in Murdoch. Murdoch does something I don’t see during a replay of Cade’s offense. Tag to Matt, and Nitro tags in Shelton. Tag to Jeff. No one is really doing anything. Double back elbow by the Hardyz, for a ludicrously long 2. Jeff with fag offense. Armwringeries, and a tag to Matt. He does a scoop and a slam. JR praises the Hardyz. Lawler: “Don’t be so slanted in your commentary!” Purosmark. Lawler: “Can you tell us something good about the World’s Greatest Tag Team?” JR: “I sure can! I’m just not going to!” I don’t know why but I found that really funny. Seriously, you can’t blame JR for the WGTT not being over when you consider how much he loves spouting off the names of universities. Matt goes to the second rope, yodels, and goes for an elbow. Tag to Haas for shoulderblocks. Matt counters with a back body drop. Matt tags in Cade, who kicks. Tag to Murdoch. FBI, Full-Blooded Inbreds. He clubbers and stomps, but Haas goes to the eyes and tags in Shelton. Shelton…immediately gets beaten up with clubberies. Tag to Matt, or maybe Jeff, because somehow we get Poetry in Motion on Shelton, who then gets clotheslined out. Lawler talks about Cade and Murdoch learning to do Swanton Bombs. Haas gets knocked out of the ring, and…hahaha, the Hardyz are going to do some fancy dive to the floor but Trevor fucking Murdoch signals them to back off so HE can climb the turnbuckles and do a big, pasty belly-flop splash to the floor. JR: “GIT ’ER DONE!” Jeff applauds as we go to break.
Commercials. Still not as awesome as that failed Canadian Destroyer. Had it succeeded, RAW couldn’t be in Toronto because Canada would have, of course, been destroyered.
We’re back, and Jeff is elbowing Haas around in the ring. Whyspyr yn thy Wynd, but he can’t capitalize as Kenny distracts the ref and Shelton fancykicks Jeff to death from the apron. Haas tags Shelton in after some chancery stuff. Shelton stomps away. Kenny is tagged in for a punch off the top rope. Nitro has reverted, in a tag team situation, to not doing anything. Wait, here’s that goofy monkey-flip into a slingshot splash doubleteam from last week. Matt breaks up the cover. Nitro stomps, then tags in Shelton. Jeff takes over with punches, but catches a kick and eats the MONEY CLIP. Haven’t seen that in a while. It gets a long 2. Haven’t seen Shelton’s fat Momma in a while either. Rear naked choke by Shelton, but he gets bored and tags in Haas. Haas does a nice belly2belly for 2. Haha, he slaps on a chinlock and starts screaming like a maniac. I wonder if he’ll mention Russ? More stuff happens. Tag to Kenny, who stomps, then covers, then stomps, then covers. Haha, Kenny does a ninja chokeout complete with biting. Jeff takes over with some fancy flying weirdness. Naptime. Tag to Matt, who does some clotheslines. Matt clotheslines some more. Bulldog. It gets 2. Kenny tries a slam, but Matt squirms out and gets him in slop drop position. And haha, Nitro rushes in, gets kicked, and Matt DDTs Nitro as he slop drops Kenny. The One Man WGTT. Haas and Benjamin take offense and rush in, and now everyone is in and all the non-legal guys brawl on the floor. Matt Twists Kenny’s Fate, Jeff gets tagged in, and a Swanton ends it. BUTWAIT, Shelton has a mic! He congratulates Matt and Jeff for beating Nitro and Dykestra, but he says they didn’t beat the WGTT. He challenges the Hardyz for a title match at One Night Stand. Matt: “We’re gonna give you a match this Sunday at One Night Stand. But we’re gonna give you, ONE (finger signal) kind of match!” He pauses as though this is a big dramatic line, and Jeff signals “one” with a finger as well. Matt: “A LADDER MATCH!” The crowd...sort of cheers. It’s not like any of them will see it. Jeff pantomimes climbing a ladder. Cade and Murdoch look surprised.
John Cena has a stupid “John Cena” sign on his door that depicts him doing wigger hand signs. Todd Grisham prepares to be made fun of…NEXT!
Commercials. Saturday Night’s Main Event ad, vaguely going for a circus theme. Featuring Doink.
Todd interviews THE CANADIAN MARINE YAY PLEASE CHEER FOR ME who gets booed. He calls Khali a “Punjabi Frankenstein” and then talks some pretend Hindi. Then he starts yelling all determined-like. He will beat Khali, we learn.
Commercials. Didn’t I just do this?
Maria interviews HEY PAISONOS! She asks him about the brand split, and he really has nothing to say. Then she asks him if he’s Italian. They flirt in an awful manner. HEY PAISONOS, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, PAISONOS! comes out after Marella leaves. He tells us he’s going to murder RVD because RVD said mean stuff on wwe.com. Dude, I GOTTA start following wwe.com; I feel like I’m missing so much. This segues directly into RESPECTED VAMPIRE DRESSER, who makes all of Kevin Thorne’s outfits now that Thorne is out of the New Breed. And…no longer exists, really. Anyway, RVD goes to the ring to have a match with Randy “Just Got a Nickname” Orton. Orton got a shockingly positive response when he showed up backstage, but the crowd seems to have lost interest by the time he gets to the ring. RVD tries to encourage the rather tepid RVD chant. Fan sign: “Another Headlock Randy?” Smark. Randy is, however, working a headlock. RVD escapes, gets whipped to the ropes, and they block each others armdrags for a while. RVD wins with an armdrag. Randy kicks and clubbers. Lawler: “You don’t get a reputation of a legend-killer without…” And he trails off. Not that hard a sentence to complete, really. Randy Papa Shangos big-time, and gets kicked. RVD does some fancy kickeries and scissory stuff to get a few pinfall attempts. Randy bails. Back in. Stalling. Randy does a knee and some clubbering. RVD flips around and monkey-flips Randy out of the corner. RVD runs around and gets kneed. JR: “Good awareness of where he was in the ring for Randy Orton!” Randy walks around dramatically. European uppercut. Puncheries in the corner. This is about more than wwe.com, this is about Randy’s hatred of ECW if you ask me. The success of ECW will fail. RVD tries to fight back a bit. Fancykick, and I think Orton was supposed to catch that so Rob could do his version of the Money Clip, but Orton just ate it and fell over. RVD wants ROOFLING THUNDER, but Orton rolls out. Orton takes over somehow on the outside. Sending RVD in. Fighting. RVD hops up top, but Randy pushes him to the outside. “Holy Shit” chant. Let’s go to commercials.
Commercials. Thank God, a computer animation movie about talking animals.
We’re back, and Randy has a ninja chokeout applied. ANOTHER HEADLOCK, RANDY? Replays of stuff during the break, all of which is more exciting than the ninja chokeout. RVD fights out, but gets his hair pulled. Garvin Stomp. Attempted paintbrush, but he misses. Kneedrop. More ninja outchokery. RVD fights out again, but gets clubbered. Orton charges into a boot, allowing RVD to get a springboard fancykick to initiate naptime. Orton is up first, but RVD is close behind and they trade punches. RVD with a jumpy, spazz punch. Orton tries one of those magical dropkicks that devastate you if you miss it, and misses. ROOFLING THUNDER works this time. Clotheslines aplenty by RVD. Orton kicks, RVD catches it, and for some reason instead of enzoogweereeing him, RVD spins him around and kicks him. Clothesline, and a cover for 2. Slam in the corner, split-legged moonsault (Lawler talks about feeling froggy because he’s an idiot.) A cover gets 2. Orton goes to the eye to take over, but RVD does his money clip thing. Now RVD wants the Five Asterisk, but he loses his balance momentarily and the crowd boos him. Orton is heading to the apron now, so RVD does a fancy jumpy kick to knock him to the floor. RVD chases him outside, sends him back in, but gets kicked as he returns to the ring. Randy with his weird, rope-assisted DDT. It gets 2, and our commentators are shocked. The ref and RVD do this weird stage play in which RVD is acting concussed and the ref wants him to quit. Randy attacks because he hates concussed people. JR: “This is not good! This is just not good at all!” RVD continues to pretend he’s Shawn Michaels by falling around all over the place while the ref refuses to stop the match. Punt kick to the head by Randy, and the ref stops the match. Is RVD really supposed to be concussed, or just stoned? Randy RKOs RVD (XYZPDQ) after the match is over, and JR just loses it. Haha, gross, RVD has the longest, most intact loogie I have ever seen in wrestling hanging out of his mouth. Some überlame fans (lamer than I am for using überlame) chant “RKO.” Here’s a million replays of everything.
Commercials. Zzz.
During the break, RVD was dragged back to his dorm room by his buddies.
TEAM OLD AND BLONDE are Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson. This is an intergender tag match, huzzah. Torrie really isn’t that old, I’m just more sick of her than any of the other divas. EAR-BITING? DAT’S COOL is the team of Carlito and Victoria. Imagine the repercussions this would have had on the Angus Invitational had this happened…then. What the fuck is Victoria wearing? She’s got her hair done-up in pigtails and is wearing a goofy visor. Flair chops Carlito a million time, then tags in Victoria. Who…slaps Flair, then grins crazily. She slaps him again, then dares Ric to punch her. Jesus Christ, she’s insane. Ric does a double-leg and puts her in the Figure-4 instead. Carlito comes in, drops an elbow, and turns it over. Haha, Victoria is screaming like a nut and trying to make Flair submit. He gets out and Carlito is tagged in. Carlito stomps Ric’s leg a million times. Torrie sure is an important part of this match. Carlito puts on a half Boston Crab. A Bos Crab. Carlito tags in Victoria, who stomps at Ric’s leg. Torrie comes in and tries to attack Victoria, but hits Carlito. Nothing much comes of it though, as Ric tags her in and she attacks Victoria legally. Carlito cheap-shots Flair on the outside. Torrie beals Victoria, kicks her, and does…the X-Factor? Carlito breaks up the cover. Victoria tags in Carlito, who comes in and…kisses Torrie. Torrie slaps him and turns to head for her corner, but Carlito fucking kills her with the Arch Deluxe. Serious heel heat there. Cover for 3. Victoria is hopping around happily and hugging Carlito, so maybe she’s actually going to have a storyline and character again.
Commercials. The ad that had Doink in it also has Giant Gonzalez in his pretend naked suit.
Backstage, Umaga meets Khali. They scream at each other in their various savage darkie languages. Shane arrives. Shane: “Worst prom couple ever.” Huhr huhr. He gives them their marching orders. They beat up guys, and Shane makes the pin.
Commercials. Again, didn’t I just do this?
We’re back, and…the Kiss Cam? Please. THE MOOD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE 13 13 OMG invades. It’s actually Chris Masters, but JR said something about the mood changing and I was inspired. Masters challenges Santino Marella to a Masterlock Challenge. He calls him “Mozzarella.” MOZZARELLA? THAT’S FIGHTIN’ WORD! finally comes out when Masters teases putting the hold on Maria. Rather than sitting down and doing the challenge, Marella attax. Masters ends up getting the Masterlock applied, Marella can’t break it, and Masters’ music plays. He is THE NEW WINNER OF KISS CAM.
Commercials. Black Spiderman continues to play keep-away.
ARGENT ARGENT would be a cute nickname in Quebec but is just stupid in Ontario. Out next is WORST PROM COUPLE EVER. Just because I thought it was a stupid joke doesn’t mean I won’t use it as a nickname. BOOBY LASHLEY HAHAHA is a nickname black hole for me. His partner is A NICKNAME WHITE HOLE. He gets a loud but mixed reaction. Umaga and Khali both want to start, but Shane orders Khali to the apron. Umaga and Cena start. JR: “These guys are no strangers to each other either!” Yeah, I hadn’t forgotten their three month feud, thanks. Loud “Cena sucks” chant. Umaga eventually takes over with shoulderblocks. Cena ducks under something, then we get kick wham throwback. Cena covers for 2, then runs right into a shot to the throat. Dueling “Let’s go Cena/Cena sucks” chants, and they are LOUD. Fan sign: “Smart marks hate Cena.” Why not bring a sign that says “Cows go moo” or “Grass is green?” Khali is tagged in. He does one of his stupid chops, then tags in Shane, who stomps. Shane does spastic pussy offense. Tag to Umaga, who shoves Cena into the evil corner and punches. Umaga argues with the ref as Khali chokes Cena. Cena escapes and tries something, but Shane cheap-shots him from the apron. Samoan Drop by Umaga for 2. Shane freaks out that Umaga tried to get a pin instead of letting him win. Umaga tags in Khali, who drops a leg. JR talks about tree trunks. Tag to Shane, who puts on a body scissors and punches a lot. Replay of the legdrop. This body scissors has been going on for forever. Cena finally powers out and does that one move he does. Tag to Umaga, tag to Lashley. Lashley does lots of punches. Splash in the corner. He tries a suplex, can’t do it, and DDTs him instead. Trying to swoop sentence terminate Umaga, but Umaga kicks him. Shoving Lashley into the corner, missing a splash, but Khali tags himself in. Khali does slaps and…covers and…wow, watching Khali and Lashley try to trade punches is beyond bad. Khali has no fucking idea what he’s doing. Cena shoulderblocks Umaga to the floor and now attax Khali together with Lashley. Khali ends up tied up in the ropes, but Umaga pulls Cena out to the floor and Samoan Spikes him. Lashley pulls Shane in, but Khali is loose. Lifting chokebomb (SHADES OF COLONEL PARKER) and Shane tags in. Macho Elbow, 1, 2, 3. WAIT, I’M HERE? is Vince, who I just assumed wasn’t here since Shane made the boring plot announcement earlier and got to pin Lashley for no good reason.
Final Thoughts: This show gave me no opportunity to make jokes about my brilliant new TV series idea, “Masamune Elimidate.” A late-night show in which a samurai dates four geishas simultaneously and unfunny jokes appear in thought balloons and one by one the girls get shot with seventeenth century dueling pistols.
