WHAT CONDITION MY AMBITION IS IN: Not even Sofa has actually played Samurai Warriors 2, so there’s not much point in blogging about it. Super Asia may be pleased to hear that I’ve played a few story modes now in which you have to kill Masamune “Xiahou Dun would kick this kid’s ASS” Date. And I’ve unlocked Fake Lu Bu Guy. No word yet on whether his kickin’ “ya’ll ready for this?” theme plays when you use him.
We open with replays from the payperview over exciting music. Tazz (God I miss Tazz and Cole) says “Lashley, defied the odds, he came out here, exploding all over the McMahons!” We learn that he won the handicap match at Judgment Day, but he didn’t pin Vince so Vince still has the title. And…
We’re live, with the not champ. I wish Lashley would, you know, DO something unique or unusual I could make nicknames about. I’m sick of trying to make nicknames based on him being Black Brok Leznar. BLACK MONTY BROWN is out in a “DOMINATE” shirt. He asks for a title shot against Vince. Sigh. Then he just satands (haha, satard stands) there until DOC…TOR OF HARD…CORE comes out. Aw, he has cute peachfuzz hair now. Umaga and Shane are here too, but who cares? Vince announces that Lashley had his chance, and now he’s going to defend his title in a Street Fight with an ECW Original in…The Blue Meanie. Dude, I’d rather see that. Lawler: “The Blue Meanie? He still alive?” Do you think he died of fat? Or do you think JBL had him killed? Shane takes the mic and builds up Vince. I saw this when it aired live and I’m not interested in seeing this again, so…somehow we get to Lashley in an undefined gauntlet where if he wins all his matches tonight, he gets a title shot at Vince.
Last night at the payperview, Shawn Michaels died. We’ll hear about it…TONIGHT! Weird, ominous Christmas music plays.
It’s time for THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST I’M SICK OF THIS FEUD. Flair beat Carlito last night, and now we’re getting a rematch. I’m doing this part from my tape, and saw live that it ended in a double countout, so I think I can skip this. I like Carlito’s black and purple tights, though. Sexy. Carlito laid Flair out after the match. Why not just make him win? Flair loses to everybody…surely he can job to Carlito if he can job nine thousand times to Kenny Dykestra.
Commercials. A fake Muppet teaches kids to smoke, I think.
Our bodogs of the week are Candice and Victoria.
TRADITION BLOWS AND SO DOES CANDICE is out first to take on OMG I DO LOL. Oh charming, a seven year old girl in the crowd dancing like Candice. Haha, Melina laughs at Candice’s posing. Circling to start. Candice charges into a kick. Melina with some knees. Rope choking. BAM attack, but it hits. Melina: “It’s too easy!” She does some fancy holds, none of which are the California Dream or whatever it was called. Melina plants her boot into the back of Candice’s head and pulls her hair. More attax. BAM attack misses, making it a proper BAM attack. Melina misses a clothesline, so Candice does some kicks. Backbreaker (no lifting involved) for 2. Candice with clotheslines. Dropkick. Yelling. JR and Lawler ask who is teaching Candice all this. Maybe Arn or Finlay will be revealed as Candice’s hot older man. Melina takes back over with a shot to the eyes, but Candice rolls her up out of nowhere for 3 anyway. Uh…guess this was non-title.
Backstage, THE STILL PRETTY GOOD KHALI yells at that guy who isn’t Daivari. Also, Lashley walks.
Commercials. A Monkmorial Day Monkathon. Celebrate our veterans with a DIRTY ARAB.
Condemned crap.
It’s time for Gauntlet. I made all my Gauntlet jokes when Cena and HBK ran one. MOKUJIN BOB (he’s made of wood) is not the guy I’d choose to have wrestle in multiple matches in one night. WHAT THE HELL, YOU’RE NOT SANTINO MARELLA is first. Lawler: “Oh! Very fitting opponent!” BOTH SUCK LOLOLOL. Lashley tries to do something, but Masters clubbers, and Lashley double-legs him and covers for 2. Lashley Palumboizes himself like an idiot. Masters slams him down and covers for 2. Dropping a leg on Lashley’s “injured” arm. The fans chant for Bobby. You’ll be bored soon enough. Masters does a shoulderblock, then signals for the Masterlock because he’s stupid. Masterlock applied, and Lawler tries to convince us there’s no way Lashley is getting out of this. Shockingly, Lashley doesn’t break it, and goes to the ropes. Clubbering by Masters. Lashley punches back, and does a clothesline. Back body drop. Powerslam for 2. Shoulderblocks in the corner, and I don’t know or care if that’s the injured shoulder. Masters tries to do something, but gets swoop sentence terminated. Lashley celebrates. His next opponent is…uh, here’s replays. His opponent is…he’s leaving the ring. Fuck me, they’re going to break his matches up?
Weird, ominous Christmas music for dead HBK again.
The Hardyz are PRANCING!
Commercials. Geico caveman. This really, really doesn’t need a series.
WIKIPEDIA GENERATES TRUSTWORTHY TRUTHS are here to do commentary. Maybe they can tell “Vince is bald” jokes better than Trevor Murdoch. Now that he’s not bald anymore. TEYUM EXTREYUM are out. I’m so stupid that when Edge was cutting his evil reintroduction to Smackdown promo I thought Matt Hardy was gonna invade before I remembered that Matt just sort of joined RAW and Smackdown got nothing in trade. JR is gushing about what a great match the Hardyz had against Cade and Murdoch at Judgement Day, but I have my doubts. Their opponents are MELINA DOING A SPLITS. According to the Stupidtron. It’s actually Johnny Nitro and Kenny Dykestra, which makes no sense. I guess Johnny Nitro is a consolation prize to Kenny for not being able to join Team RKO. Shelton tries to talk, but his mic doesn’t work. RACISM. Nitro suckers Matt Hardy in so Kenny can attack. Kenny monkey-flips Matt into…a punch from Nitro. Lame. Now Nitro does a neat slingshot attax into the ring to smash Matt across Kenny’s knees. Nitro clubbers some, but runs into a clothesline. Ludicrously hot tag to Jeff, after maybe a minute of Matt being legal. Jeff runs around and does clotheslines and elbows. JR: “The Rainbow-haired Warrior!” Jeff does some move on Nitro as Lawler talks to Haas and Benjamin, whose mics never got fixed. Or maybe they aren’t meant to be on commentary at all. Jeff goes up top, Kenny tries to attack, Matt pull him off, and now Nitro attacks Jeff. Jeff shoves him off and gets a super sunset flip…for 3. Wow, that was short and pointless. Haas, Benjamin, Nitro and Dykestra all stomp down the Hardyz, but JUST SOME GOOD OL’ BOYS, NEVER MEANIN’ NO HARM run in and save. Jeff still doesn’t want to touch Trevor Murdoch (he’s not pretty enough) but they all raise their arms in victory.
Khali walks around, swinging his arms in “I sure am big” fashion.
Commercials. Some RAW fan likes Cena for some reason.
Let’s listen to Ozzy a bit. Oh, here’s WHO’S THAT LITTLE GUY FROM MY ENTRANCE VIDEO? (w/BEATS ME). Lawler describes one of Khali’s body parts as “long and wide.” Guess which one, go on. Translator dude introduces Khali, who makes noises. Apparently they mean that he was cheated, that he didn’t submit, that his foot was under the rope, and that the referee screwed Khali. “All you people screwed the Great Khali.” Sexy. John Cena also screwed the Great Khali. Haha, once again, Khali introduces Stupidtron footage, showing how Khali tapped with his foot under the rope so the F-U should have been broken. Oh, because by the way, Cena won by tapout to the F-U. The little translator continues to cut a promo even though Khali hasn’t said anything since this all started and he only said like five words then. It’s sort of like when Bugs Bunny was dressed in luau gear and said one syllable that apparently translated to “Now is the time when all good men come to the aid of their country.” YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME finally invades. He says Khali’s foot was under the ropes, but he also tapped. Cena was afraid of Khali before Judgment Day, but not any more, and it actually makes sense. Then I have to go deal with some dishes. Maybe they brawled, maybe they just went to commercials. Do you care?
Commercials. I don’t.
We’re back. Replays from before the break indicate Khali laid Cena out. Sigh. The only progress made in any feud at Judgment Day was that HBK died. JR: “People are in jail for less things than…that chop!” BLACK VANILLA is Lashley. And hey, his opponent is NEO SEXUAL CHOCOLATE. Viscera salutes the crowd for some reason, but never stops looking angry. JR: “Oh you know I don’t know!” Viscera shoves Lashley. Leaning in the corner. Lashley escapes, clubbers, and works the arm. Clothesline with the other arm by Viscera to take over. Shoulderblock. Lashley does a really high and really queer leapfrog to escape something, then gets a shoulderblock. Powerslam of Viscera by Lashley, and it was pretty impressive. Viscera takes over again during the replays, but now Lashley is punching back. Bossman Slam by Viscera (RIP you crazy inbred cop) for 2. Slapperies in the corner. JR: “Big Vis now, in that plodding, methodical style, using the bulk, his mass…” He sounds so excited about it too. Viscera clubbers as Lawler sort of accidentally implies that Vince offered Vis sexual favors if he beat Lashley. Lashley starts running around, but gets hit with Viscera’s “I fall over sideways and stick my foot out” kick. It gets a long 2 (and a HUGE sell from the announcers.) Viscera now stupidly decides to pose and telegraph a fatvalanche for a million years. Bobby evades of course, and swoop sentence terminates Viscera for the win. JR: “As Rick James would say, that was super-freaky!” That would sound stupid if Lawler said it, but it was beyond stupid in the mouth of JR.
The Timbaland thing is next. Fantasic.
Commercials. “Epic Movie.” “Captain Jack Swallows.” A parody of “Snakes on a Plane.” Seriously? You’re basically parodying a parody of action movies, you get that, right? Answer me “Epic Movie!”
THE WORLD’S OLDEST PRACTITIONER OF THE WORLD OLDEST PROFESSION is Torrie. Not Sable. That French-Canadian bitch is out with music, and so are Extreme Expose and now Ashley and I wouldn’t have given Torrie a nickname if I’d known all these womens would get entrances. Stupid womens. Ashley: “A video from record producer!” Long, confused pause, “hip-hop artist, and huge WWE fan Timbaland!” Anyway, we see the video. It’s like…a comic book, with tons of shots of Timbaland and a few shots of “the Hives” (that’s what this gives me hahaha w00000t) and the divas and…it’s not very good. Even with the benefit of editing most of the wrestling looks bad. Well, considering that Torrie and Ashley are the best wrestlers there, yeah. Then it ends. Lawler, underawed: “Wow.” Then he remembers to be excited.
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING CREEPY CHRISTMAS MUSIC. HBK’s wife (not called Whyspyr) hovered over him with her dirty blonde hair and looked like Triple H off the roids.
Commercials. Just because you win a car that doesn’t mean evil Spiderman won’t play keep-away with your keys. Remember.
The long-awaited Shawn Michaels update is just JR and Lawler chatting about it. BAGGER VANCE YOU’RE NEXT invades (not that anything was happening in the ring.) Lawler complains that Orton “took advantage” of HBK. Sexually. Orton acts penitent, and introduces a montage. Here’s Khali killing HBK. Here’s Orton attacking HBK last week after the match with Edge (did I forget to rebeak that? I did.) Here’s Judgment Day, where HBK was attacked before the match, came out anyway, and passed out in the ring. Damn it, we’re getting slow-motion shots of Orton on offense. Or is it full-speed HAHAHAHA eh. Fucking “Christmas Evil” music again, and now the ref stops the match, and Orton attacks some more anyway. Orton wonders (when we come back from the video package) if that was HBK’s last match. He says he took advantage of an injury like any professional would have done in order to win. Then he reminds us he’s a Legend Killer. His music eventually hits. I think he was supposed to be all intense there, but he sort of wasn’t.
Vince is backstage with Umaga. He gives Umaga a pep talk. Is Umaga supposed to be able to understand English? And when are they gonna bring back Estrada?
Commercials. A car racing game tries to sell me with realism. Dude, I can drive a real car.
INSERT COIN REGAIN POWER is a vague, vague reference to the fact that Gauntlet was an arcade game before it came out on NES. He’s in the ring waiting for the last match of the Gauntlet. YOU ARE PITIFUL AND WEAK AND I WILL JAB MY THUMB AT YOU (Umaga) is out. Lashley looks surprised. He is stupid for not watching a backstage segment, and also just stupid for not knowing this would be coming anyway. JR: “Umaga is…” Lawler: “A machine!” JR: “…a warrior.” WARRIORS, COME OUT AND RECALIBRATE YOUR CIRCUIIIIIITS! Umaga clubbers and stuff to start. Fatty splash. JR: “Viscera’s mass took a lot out of Lashley!” He’s a new, fat Reverend Slick. Umaga stands around and yells and stuff. Lashley punches back, but gets punched back. Umaga chokes and stands and punches and stands. Lashley whipped into a corner, Umaga charges into a boot, but Lashley charges into…a bear-hug. I don’t know if TNA is good but I know it’s never had three Lashley matches. Lashley escapes after an eternity (probably a minute or less) but runs into a Samoan Drop. JR: “IMPACT! IMPACT! POWER! PAIN!” JR says “methodically,” and we know what that means. Lawler: “Mr. McMahon…pumped up Umaga!” Major pumping required. Umaga goes up top, and goes for a flying headbutt. Lashley was supposed to roll clear, but sort of didn’t, but Umaga sells missing it anyway. Naptime. Both men up at seven and trading punches. Umaga rushes into an elbow, but Lashley rushes into a kick. Umaga rushes into the ringpost. Lashley shoulderblocks him, and Umaga falls out of the ring. Lashley follows him out, but jumps off the apron into a…fancykick? Umaga gets a steel chair and nails Lashley (idiot) and the ref calls for the bell. Lashley wins by DQ, and JR and Lawler tell us he’s won the Gauntlet. I wonder if Vince will come out and announce that he had to win by pinfall? Or maybe give Lashley the title match now? Why am I wondering when all it will do is kill the pleasure of finding out what exciting twist ending has already been written?
Backstage, Shane appears to be dressed for combat. Ugh.
Commercials. A few more minutes of bearhugging and this could have been done without a McMahon match.
Replays of the chairshot. During the break, Samoan Spike omg. Umaga is heading up the ramp as we come back, and Lashley is dead. DOLLA DOLLA OMG MY THEME SONG IS A TRIGUN REFERENCE DOUBLE DOLLARS HUHR arrives, with VINCE. That was such a stupid Shane nickname I can’t even begin to think of something that retarded to say about Vince. Now Umaga is now going to stick around. Over a year ago, when Umaga beat up Ric Flair for no reason, did anyone think he’d still be around, and instrumental in the main McMahon storyline? Shane does lots of knees to Lashley instead of just covering him. Yanking on his chin a lot. Shane does a baseball slide dropkick on Lashley’s ribs. Leaving the ring and pulling Lashley’s ribs into the post. I thought Lashley’s shoulder was hurt? Umaga wants to hit Lashley with a chair, the McMahons block him, and the ref sends Umaga to the back. Back in the ring, Shane keeps punching and getting pushed over. Haha, he misses a shoulderblock, and Lashley rolls up the much smaller guy for 2. Now Lashley does shoulderblocks and clotheslines and stuff. Cover for 2. Both men are now devastated for some reason. Lashley punches some more. Shane does a fancy, showy DDT for 2. Clubbing to the back. Lawler thinks that was the best move Shane has ever done (uh, the Van Terminator?) Shane with a Boston Crab. JR tells us Shane is a Boston University graduate. All that money and he went to Boston University? George Bush Junior got into Yale. Well, I guess you can’t be a legacy kid if your Dad didn’t go to Yale. Anyway, Shane goes up top and tries his own Macho Elbow. It connects, for 2. Camel Clutch. I am so bored. Lashley lifts Shane up and rams him into the corner. Punches by Lashley. He scoops Shane up, but Shane slips out and attacks. JR: “His back forsake him! His back forsake him!” Shane goes up top for THE STUPID, and gets swoop sentence terminated for 3. He wasn’t going to hit Lashley anyway, natch. And…can’t Vince just keep summoning people even after they go off the air? Guess we’ll find out on ECW tomorrow. It won’t feel right without Ariel.
Final Thoughts: Judgment Day sure was an important event, eh?
