VIDYA GAMES: After probably first telling Sofa I planned to pick it up like six months ago, I was in GameStop with money in my hands and got Samurai Warriors 2. More on this next week, by which time I may have some idea who is who and what’s going on. I like the guy who compliments you by saying “you make this old monkey proud.”
I FINALLY HAVE AN EXCUSE TO HANG A SAG is John Cena, sans belt. He gets about a 75% positive, 25% negative reaction. Ah Hampton…you did better than I’d feared, but not as well as I’d hoped. John starts off solemn, telling us Khali has the title belt. Last week, Khali took the title and left Cena laying. “I was knocked out in a pool of my own blood; I felt helpless.” You felt unconscious, champ. Cena tries to play off as a joke that he’s used to being humiliated because every week a group of fans tell him he sucks. Said fans boo. Cena wins the marks over by talking about respect for the business and his gutsyness and how he’s not gonna back down and he’s just a spunky little princess this week. Cena tells us Khali has never been pinned or submitted. Research department, check on how Taker beat him. Probably a gay ass coffin match or something. The crowd starts booing a bit as he goes into more generic fired-up babyface talk, but the cameras spot a chubby twelve-year-old girl hopping up and down in excitement. Cena finally calls out Khali, and here on the Stupidtron is "THE GREAT" KAHLI and FAKE DAIVARI. “Runjin Singh” may be misspelled, but the guy was barely audibly when he told us his name anyway. He’s the translator for Khali. Khali talks some possibly real Hindi. Singh: (flatly) “John Cena, no one has accomplished what Khali has in the last three weeks. The devastation, the carnage, the destruction.” Singh points to the camera. “Let’s take a look.” Haha, now I’m really amused as I wonder if Singh added that himself, or if the Great Khali just set up his own clipfest. Either way, we get replays of Khali beating people up. JR’s echoey, dramaticy voice asks us to say a prayer, and indeed, a voice-over begins saying the Lord’s Prayer. Damn, it cuts off before it gets to “hallowed.” Khali does “just bring it” hand motions, and Singh translates “if you want some, come get some.” YOU CAN’T KHALI ME! Cena walks backstage. Jesus Christ, is Khali so incompetent that his heel beatdowns have to be backstage pretapes? Anyway, Cena attacks, and Singh’s fleeing in terror would probably be hilarious if he were Daivari but somehow this does nothing for me. Khali slams Cena against a wall and chokes him and we fade to commercials.
Commercials. Spiderman 3, the game. At least the game is mostly fighting baddies…right?
Moments ago, Brown King Kong Bundy crushed Wigger Hulk Hogan, who will surely lose at the payperview. JR: “Good grief!”
RAINBOW WARRIOR, COME OUT TO GAAAAAY (w/HIS EMBARASSED BROTHER) is taking on FEAR MY CANADIAN DESTROYER (w/PROBABLY HIS COUSIN.) Murdoch backs Jeff into the corner, and breaks clean. Armdrags by Jeff. Is Lawler’s voice cracking? Some running-around and clothesline-ducking ends with indy respect. Jeff prances about gayly and claps. Trevor gets a back elbow and a cover for 2. Lawler thinks losing to the Hardys was “like seeing the light” for Cade and Murdoch. They light of the glowstick. Murdoch bails for whatever reason, and Jeff dives out on him. Lawler implies that Cade and Murdoch are trying to wrestle like the Hardys, and I think he means by playing fair and not by going for jumpy, queerly-named doubleteams. ELUM kick by Jeff. It sounds like JR just said “willy!” Jeff does the ten-punch-countalong, but then for some reason he tries to violently ram his ass into Murdoch (what do I mean “for some reason?”) and hits the mat. Murdoch replies with a chinlock, or possibly a sleeper, confer with evk if you want to be sure. Jeff runs around and gets Whyspyr yn thy Wynd (Lawler: “Like a reverse neckbreaker off the second rope!”) Murdoch kicks out at 2. JR: “Murdoch turning off the canvas!” It should never have been left on. Jeff goes up top, Murdoch tries to fight him, Jeff fights him off, but Jeff ends up swantoning Murdoch’s knees. Murdoch covers for a long 2, complains to the ref, and gets ruthlessly rolled-up for 3. I hate that ending. The evil dudes offer handshakes again, and they are accepted. JR: “Jeff Hardy almost with a puzzled, almost shocking look that Cade and Murdoch didn’t attack them after the match!”
Tonight, Kashley versus Coachman. Coachman’s shirt in this graphic assures us that he is the Coach.
Commercials. Adam Sandler movies on cable, huzzah.
Snitsky promo. Do we fans even deserve to see him feud with Cena?
Last week, Coachman died. DON’T SMOKE. I’M DEAD NOW is backstage, and is nervous about his nonsensical match with Lashley tonight. None of his backup get nicknames because I don’t wanna. Umaga just seems weird standing there calmly as Shane tries to fire Coachman up by talking about how Coachman was all-time leading scorer at some school or other. Vince is wearing all lavender, by the way. When Coach leaves, Umaga standing there breathing heavily finally catches the attention of Shane, who says “Hi, how you doin?” Umaga leaves. Vince now tells us he’s down. Then he stands around mugging in what I assume he thinks is hilarious fashion until we go to break.
Oh yeah, Shane, Vince and Umaga will be at ringside to support Coach. That was the point of that.
Commercials. Legend of the Dragon for various game systems. Looks…sort of queer. Like that Paws of Fury whatever game, but with people too.
Our Spiderman 3 The Game of the week is Santino Marella beating Chris Masters.
AN ITALIAN IN NEW JERSEY? THAT’S CRAZY!?!? is Santino Marella, who is announced as residing in New Jersey. JR and Lawler go over that whole detail of him actually living in America and being a trained wrestler thing that makes the “Milan Miracle” such a load of horse crap. HE BEAT ME ONCE WHAT MAKES HIM THINK HE CAN DO IT AGAIN? isn’t a Manos reference, but it’s sort of a paraphrasing of a Prince of Space line, so the MST3K theme is intact. Marella got the first intro and Masters the second because tradition blows. Hey, when does Umaga get his rematch for the title anyway? The titular match. I can’t tell you how excited I am to watch Chris Masters fight Santino Marella again. I hope we get this title match every week for a year. Santino tries a double-leg takedown, but Masters clubbers. He whips Santino into the corner, tries a Masterlock, but gets hiptossed around instead. Lawler says Marella hasn’t paid his dues OH GOD SOMEONE GET THE UNDERTAKER! Masters fights back and gets a backbreaker. He sends Marella into the ropes and…gets another backbreaker. Man, feel the moveset. Masters with some knees to the back. Marella tries to kick some, but Masters clotheslines him. Lawler: “I liken his title reign to, it’s like he won the lottery. And you know JR sometimes when people win the lottery, they don’t always have a happy ending.” THE NUMBERS ARE BAD! “A lot of these family members come out of the woodwork, looking for handouts. Crooks, con artists coming…” Well, you just fired the Con Man, what do you expect him to do? It just now occurred to me that Grenier and Dupree both outlasted Conway. Huh. Anyway, Masters has been trying for Masterlocks and not getting them throughout. Marella does jumpy offense. Masters whips him to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and gets kicked. But Marella runs into a spinebuster anyway. Masters signals for the Masterlock, and that’s been the problem, he hasn’t been signaling for it. Marella counters the attempted Masterlock into a pinfall in a complicated way I don’t feel like describing. And wins. Masters clubbers. REALLY loud booing, and I’m wondering if the sound guys aren’t interfering. Run-in by the sound guy. And the Smoke. MY GOD BILLY AUSTIN HEARD EVERYTHING. Masters gets a post-match beatdown and Masterlock because Lord knows this feud has plenty of legs.
Tonight, new Smackdown champion Edge makes his farewell address. I bet he’s gonna be mean!
Commercials. A Virginia Lottery ad parodies the…not really all that widely known “Mad Money” guy. Certainly the people who buy a lot of scratch tickets don’t strike me as people who watch investment shows…even weird, shouty ones.
DID YOU KNOW STONE COLD IS IN A MOVIE NO SERIOUSLY DUDE HE IS. A bunch of WWE stars get asked…wait, they’re not even talking about the movie, they’re just naming WWE stars. Oh, they’ve been asked who they’d like to see stuck on an island and condemned. Candice Michelle picks herself because she’s fucking retarded and has no idea what’s going on ever. Now they’re asked who should play the evil producer and HOHOHO THEY ALL PICK MCMAHON LOLOLOL! Someone should ask them all “Who would you think would be good at playing a Marine in a movie called ‘The Marine’ that stars John Cena as ‘The Marine?’”
So many quotation marks.
MY FAVORITE DIVA WHOM I’VE JUST DAMNED WITH FAINT/FEINT PRAISE is out to do guest commentary. Lawler: “Haha, her hotness! Her hotness factor!” Yes, but what of her hand size? Melina does her splits for Lawler and JR. Lawler: “Did you ever think you’d get to see her entrance, on our table!” I think that’s happened before, hasn’t it? Anyway, it’s I SHOULD BE CONDEMNED FOR BEING SO HOTT HURR versus NO ENTRANCE NO EYEBALL IN HER HAND NO NUTHIN’. Candice wins in about two minutes with a shitty kick. Victoria got like no offense. The highlight was Candice doing title-belt motions and Melina going, “What, you’re showing me your fat rolls?”
Commercials. Edge’s farewell address is next! Sounds like a perfect time to eat lunch!
ON THIS DAY, I SEE CLEARLY, THAT I’M MOVING TO THE B-SHOW cut a pretty good heel farewell promo, but like I said, I was eating. Much of it was just video packages from last week’s RAW and Smackdown. Highlights of the live interview include saying he wanted to give us a great farewell Edge victory, but that the Great Khali had already left the building. I WILL PRAY FOR CENA’S GAY SOUL is HBK, who simply invades and says “just leave.” Edge challenged HBK to a match, and mentions HBK’s worked concussion from last week just so he’ll seem like a bigger bitch when he jobs in his “last” RAW match.
Backstage, Todd Grisham tries to interview Bobby Lashley, but before Bobby can get more than about three words out, Shane wisely invades. Shane reminds us that Bobby can’t touch him unless physically provoked, then plays the “I’m not touching you” game, which rules. Then he blows Lashley a kiss, which rules less.
Commercials. Which Spidey suits you? Do you dress to the left or the right?
I ALREADY GOT A NICKNAME is here, with BUT WE DIDN’T. Actually Vince and crew came out first, but the nicknames work better this way. Besides, it was actually pretty cool that the last heel entrance went to Coach, who got his awesome theme music played. His opponent is I WAS EXPECTING STARFIRE IN YOUR CORNER. And yes, I do realize that nickname has absolutely nothing to do with Lashley. It would serve Vince right if Lashley went all Leznar and quit to fail at football and then sue them over the right to wrestle Scott “Flash” Norton in front of a million screaming Japs. Lawler, to JR: “You’re a people!” Coach acts terrified, then slaps Lashley. Lashley shoves him down, then attax Coach in the ropes. Clothesline from Lashley. Which is near Hell. Clubbering. Shock Treatment backbreaker, but he lands on his knees instead of his butt. What shitty TNA or ex-TNA star won’t you steal from? That’s not fair, Marcus Cor Van is pretty cool, especially with the new music. Lining up the swoop sentence terminated (sigh) and that gets 3, but now the troops are in to attack. Lashley fights off Shane and Umaga, tosses Shane, but now Umaga takes over. Vince is just standing around. Face Full of Poi misses, and Umaga is then swoop sentence terminated. Lashley chases Vince around, but Shane ambushes Lashley with a tiny white shoulderblock (which Lashley sells like death, then shakes off.) Lashley chases Shane off, then runs…out of the ring area. We’re backstage, and Shane runs off and hops into the limo’s sunroof. It peels off. Bobby turns, and…eats a surprise belt-shot from McMahon. This lays him out dead, and allows Vince to strut off. Wow, he really would make a great evil television producer!
Commercials. STOP SINGING RABBIT.
Moments ago, Bobby Lashley and stuff.
I SWEAR THAT’S NOT THE THE BOONDOCKS KID ON MY SHIRT is Carlito, who has a new shirt where he looks like that kid from The Boondocks. Fan sign: “Carlito lost his cool.” Clever. THAT WAS CLEVER, WASN’T IT ARTEMIS? (w/SHUT UP) is in the ring, sans introduction. Last week, Carlito spoke mean Spanish words to Torrie, who fled. She could see the apple bits on the wall. Val goes behind Carlito (hmm) but Carlito wrings the arm and stuff. Val goes behind again, and puts on a front facelock. Val does some knees and stuff. Side-Russian leg-sweep. JR: “Side-Russian leg-sweep by Val Venis, who can’t be overlooked!” Hahaha, he switches to “underestimated” but you can still read it as saying it’s impossible to underrate the threat posed by Val Venis. Carlito takes over with punches. He tosses Val out over the top to the floor. Carlito chases Val out and rams him back-first into the post a few times. JR: “How ‘bout humiliation?” JR keeps calling Lawler “Doctor Freud” and “Doctor Phil.” Doctor Something. Doc…tor? Back in the ring, and Val does more stuff. Val punches back as the fans chant for Flair. Val charges into some knees (knee trembler) and gets missile dropkicked in the back by Carlito. Carlito slaps on a modified ninja chokeout. Caribbean ninjas are pretty strong as ninjas go. Lawler, on Carlito: “I don’t know why you don’t like him.” JR: “It’s just, I don’t hate him…” Lawler: “Is it his hair, JR? Is it his hair?” JR: “Yeah, that’s it. You hit the nail right on the head, that’s it. It’s his hair, King. It’s all about the hair.” Sometimes JR is adorably bitter and sarcastic. Anyway, Val has fought out a bit, and gets a knee to the face of Carlito. Roll-up on Carlito, for 2. Carlito gets a jawbreaker, but Val still fights back with punches and a neckbreaker and stuff. Val sends Carlito to the corner, Carlito flips out fancily, but ends up getting half-nelson slammed. Val goes up top, looking to spray Hiroko’s face white, but Carlito rolls to the far end of the ring and Val just hops down. Carlito pulls Val into the turnbuckle, gets the Arch Deluxe (McDonald’s has healthy salads with apple bits in them, right?) and gets the win. JERRY LAWLER CANNOT BELIEVE I AM HERE is Ric Flair, whose sudden run-in causes Lawler to go “WHAT!?” in the manner of Tazz being shocked that The Boogeyman showed up for a segment he was scheduled for. Carlito flees through the crowd because, hey, chickenshit coward, that’s his job.
HBK is stretching backstage when HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, WILL MAKE ME ADMIT THAT MY GAY SOUL IS GAY invades. He tells HBK that he thinks he can beat him. HBK, wackily, “that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that!” They’re making fun of their own repetitiveness, but that doesn’t undue the damage of having the same guys fight every damn week. HBK challenges Orton to a match at whateverthenextpayperviewis. A match we’ve seen on RAW a million times on a $30 payperview that’s less than a week away? Where do I sign up?
Commercials. My spellchecker wants chickenshit to be “chickens hit.”
Lawler graciously allows us to see a sneak peak of the Timbaland video that has the WWE Divas doing…things. Hey, it’s the one who won the championships! She got sent to ECW to be in Extreme Expose, I think. Because she’s as poor a speaker as Candice but has manic enthusiasm that makes it even funnier.
Lawler tells us that John Cena “is more determined than ever to become the first man to defeat the Great Khali this Sunday!” You have to beat him seven times this Sunday before he’ll submit to Shu.
Earlier tonight, Khali spoke “essentially in his tongue” (thanks JR) and then threw Cena around.
Commercials. USA has been pimping the 3 night premiere of “Sweet Home Alabama” for weeks. Was this movie, like, important to people and I missed it?
Oops, got an unexpected phone call and I need to be ready to leave in about fifteen minutes, so I’m gonna do this from memory of the live broadcast. FALLEN ARCHANGEL loses his farewell match against I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M WRESTLING A REAL ARCHANGEL WOW after a standard 15 minute RAW main. Edge is on offense for much of it, with HBK selling the concussion after any wimpy assault on the head, but despite the concussion he can do flying burritos, kip up, slam Edge down, and Macho Elbow him. This leads directly into the Sweet Chin Music. So after Edge missed whatever he missed to set up the flying burrito, he ceased to matter as a character at all as we got the generic HBK babyface comeback to win. And thus the Smackdown champion loses to a guy who is arguably as low as the number seven man on the RAW roster (behind Cena, Khali, Lashley [who is a RAW guy don’t kid yourself,] Umaga, Vince, and Orton [he has to be arguably above HBK in someone’s eyes to have a ppv match with him.]) I’m not saying HBK is the number seven guy, but there’s six guys you can make the case for being above him on RAW and he just beat the Smackdown champion while selling “desperately injured by Khali” the whole time.
Final Thoughts: Oops, should have bitched about that here.
