VIDYA GAMES: I’ve unlocked pretty much everything in Rumble Roses, which is sad because I can no longer play it and convince myself I’m playing for any other purpose than to watch women in slutty costumes hitting each other with riding crops. I suppose I can unlock the gallery modes of a few more characters. I’ve also discovered that I’m not as terrible at Romance of the Three Kingdoms 11 as I thought. The key is to try something doable, like playing as Sun Ce and conquering several shitty neighbors to establish Wu, rather than playing as Liu Bei in the same time period, starting with one city and right next to Cao Cao who has more divisions of elite cavalry than you have…guys. Special thanks to Sofa K. Amazing for reminding me that Sun Ce is, in fact, Randy Orton. I’d forgotten all about that. LOOK OUT SUN JIAN YOU GOTS BLOOD ON YO' HEAD.
We’re deep into the theme music of PERMANENT NON GENERAL MANAGER EXECUTIVE GENERAL MANAGER ASSISTANT when we join the show. He introduces NOT EVEN I’M SURE IF I’M PARODYING HULK HOGAN with dew-rag and…he seems to want to air-guitar with the ECW Title Belt, but doesn’t. He introduces footage of various corpses being discovered last week. No one asks Edge that all-important question, leaving me completely ignorant of whether or not Edge can feel his toes. The lifting choke bomb is shown a million times, with louder and louder explosions each time Cena hits the mat. JR: “Physical will!” Back to Vince, who tries to book Cena versus Khali and Judgement Day, but he’s interrupted by NO ONE ELSE GETS A TITLE SHOT EVER OR I’LL SICK GOD ON YOU. HBK: “Before you get off on a little pink trail there.” Wait, what? He wants to earn top contender status by defeating the Great Khali, TONIGHT. Vince books it, no disqualification. HBK wanders off, to be replaced by ROBERTO LASHLEY. He uses his pleasant, feminine voice to ask for a title shot at Vince. Vince tells us that if Lashley makes physical contact with him, Shane, or Umaga before the next payperview, Lashley will never ever get a title shot ever not never ever. Vince belabors the point even more than I just did. And…we get more old footage, this time from Backlash, of Vince becoming the Extreeeem icon he is today. Vince tries to provoke Lashley into hitting him and me into changing the channel by talking some more about nothing. Now we get wacky Photoshop fun of a picture of Lashley with his title belt being given Vince McMahon’s head. He books Lashley vs Vince, Umaga and Shane for Judgment Day. JR: “That’s three on one again!” Again being the operative word. Vince tries to goad Lashley into punching him again. This has been going on forever. Vince finally leaves, and Coach, who has been in the background doing nothing this whole time, gets grabbed by Lashley. Punches. He tosses Coach outside. Why we gotta have all this Black on Black violence? Coach gets rammed into the steps. He chokes Coach with a mic cord. Swoop sentence terminated ON THE OUTSIDE MY GOD.
Candice needs Mickie to tie on her top. I think Lawler just jizzed.
Commercial. Cluster bomb!
Our Burger King rewind is the divas doing stuff last week. Lawler: “Wow! Good job!”
PRINCESS BIG BUTT AND HER MAGICAL SKANKMAID are out to face, well, I can only assume it’s the same team as last week. And it is, as here’s THE SAME TEAM AS LAST WEEK. Why isn’t Victoria with Stevie? Things were so much better then. Why isn’t Stevie a big deal in ECW? Victoria starts with Candice, and kicks her a lot. Irish whip, Candice blocks something, tries an armdrag, Victoria blocks that, and Candice does flippity stuff. Victoria tags Melina, Candice tags Mickie, and they exchange slaps. Mickie gets a low dropkick. Tag to Candice, who jumps off the top and crotch-attacks Melina. Melina goes to the eyes, then takes Candice to the evil corner. Mickie argues with the ref, allowing cheateries from Victoria. Candice escapes anyway and tags in Mickie, who attacks. Victoria tries to attax, but Mickie out-attax her. Attax on Melina. Attax on Victoria. What am I doing? Lawler: “You gotta love the diva action.” It was funny because he sounded really bored. Candice blind-tags in, kicks Melina in the back of the head, and…wins? Great, Candice is being pushed for a ppv title match. Great.
Here’s replays of that Italian dude winning the IC title.
Commercials. Stop sniffing at the camera, RGX chick.
Haha, poor SO, YOU GOT FAMILY TORGO? is already in the ring, no entrance, and about to job to HEY, I’M BETTER THAN VITO, AT LEAST. Lawler discusses fairy tales. Marella got tights with his name on them at some point. Masters shoulderblocks a few times. Scoop and a slam. Now Masters misses an elbow, and Marella does some punches. Stupid spinny D-Von flying elbow. Marella covers for 2. He wants an Italian whip, but Masters blocks and turns it into a short clothesline. Rope-choking by Masters. Stompery. Lawler: “Flash in the pan.” Like a spunkacider? Masters does more stuff. Here’s a cover for 2. Can-opener neck crank. Masters takes off his kneepad, then…misses a kneedrop. Kicking by Marella. Masters catches a kick, but Marella enzoogweerees. Marella ducks something and does something. Trying for a ten-punch-countalong in the corner, but Masters shoves him off. Masters then Palumboizes himself in an attempt to out-Italian Marella, and thus gets rolled up for 3. Lawler: “I didn’t think he’d last, but he proved me wrong!” Maybe next week he can roll-up Val Venis! Wow!
Commercials. Just For Men will help you get hot chicks. RAW is clearly the show for horny dudes.
THEY CALL HIM KENNEDY, KENNEDY, FASTER THAN LIGHTNING, NO ONE YOU SEE, IS SMARTER THAN HE invades again. Filmcans had me convinced the phrase “beautiful dolphin” shows up in the Flipper theme but some random lyrics site disagrees. He (Ken Kennedy, not Filmcans or Flipper the Dolphin) basically tells us his name is Mister Kennedy Wait For It Wait For It Kennedy. That was a little pointless.
Maria “No Nickname” Nosurname interviews HONORARY MEMBER OF LYNYRD SKYNYRD. He wrecked a hotel room, you see. Randy says he’s going to win against Cena tonight. This show is on automatic pilot, and so am I. It’s interesting (or maybe it isn’t) that Randy doesn’t seem to remember or care that the Great Khali killed him last week.
Commercials. Character, we learn, are welcome.
ACH ZOE WE HAFTA FIND THE DOCTOR SO WE CAN AH FUCK IT are in the ring, with no music. Wait, now they have music. Odd. THE FANS AREN’T BOOING THEY’RE SAYING BOOOOOMAGA is their opponent. Hooray. Rory tries to grab Umaga’s legs so Robbie can attack, but Umaga fights them both off anyway. JR: “Umaga almost like a rudderless, evil ship!” Face Full of Poi for Robbie with like no set-up at all. Samoan Spike for Rory. Samoan Spike for Robbie. JR: “Heart! The…sternum! Chest cavity!” He (Umaga, not JR) rolls Robbie onto Rory, and for whatever reason he rolls them into 69 position. Going up top to splash them both. That gets 3. The Highlanders continue their unconscious sexual escapade.
Stuff about The Condemned.
Khali walks. How can one hallway contain all that humanity, by gawd.
Commercials. What a great segment that was.
Edge talks to Ken Kennedy backstage. They yell at each other. It’s interesting (or maybe it isn’t) that Edge doesn’t seem to remember or care that the Great Khali killed him last week. Edge goads Kennedy into defending the Monkey in the Bank. Kennedy yells his name right in Edge’s face, then says “get ta steppin’.”
HISTORY’S BEST KISSER is out for his match. I wonder if this will go an hour? JR asks that we, the fans, help Shawn Michaels win this match. Help HBK form a fighting spirit bomb. THE PRINCE OF ALL KHALIS is out. This randomly reminds me of the time Michael and I were riffing on Dragonball Z and Vegeta was trying to convince Goku that he has to do what the Prince of the Saiyans says. They then agreed that since Gohan is only half Saiyan, he only has to do half of what Vegeta says. Ok, so HBK attacks Khali in the ropes. Haha, he jumps up on his face like Dino licking Fred Flintstone. What’s with me and cartoons today? And am I courting angry dork hate mail by calling DBZ a cartoon? HBK thinks he has Khali tied up in the ropes, but when he charges in Khali big boots him. Scoop and a slam by Khali. JR: “That slam is not an ordinary slam!” Khali misses a legdrop. HBK rushes outside, gets a chair, rushes back in, and hits Khali with a chair. Haha, HBK thinks about the soupar kick, but decides to do a really low flying burrito on the sitting Khali, and then he does his little kip up. Macho Elbow connects. Tuning up the band, and of course Khali catches his foot. Laughable overhand chop. Khali raises his arms and yells like Chewbacca. Haha, I spelled it wrong, and my spellchecker corrected me. Word version whatever version I have is wise to the ways of Star Wars. I get distracted for at least a solid minute answering questions posed from the stairs, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss anything. HBK gets whipped into the corner and Flair Flips. Clothesline by Khali. Khali wants his lifting chokebomb, but HBK thumbs Khali in the eye. This is no Dairy Queen, I recall. Mike Tenay is pleased as punch. A punch to a woman’s face. He (HBK, not Mike Tenay) tries to give Khali a front facelock (a choke, according to our commentators) and they fall out of the ring and Khali shoves HBK around a bit. HBK with a baseball slide dropkick which makes Khali, uh, fall over. HBK strips the top off the announce table. He sets up a chair and stands on it. JR: “Standing on that ladder!” Ladders = chairs in JR World. HBK seems to want to DDT Khali ino the table, but Khali shoves him off. JR: “I know it sounds cliché, but this is one of the…freakiest human beings!” Khali does his stupid chokebomb, putting HBK through the table. Some idiots chant “Holy Shit.” The ref calls for the bell, and the cameras find an adorable little girl looking worried. Khali is announced as the winner and top contender. JR asks us to pray for John Cena. SHAWN MICHAELS PRAY FOR MY GAY SOUL.
Commercials. Ultimate Limited Edition Wrestlemania 23 Champion Edition Turbo Hyper Fighting.
Moments ago, Giant Gonzalez 2007 beat up HBK. JR talks about God some more.
John Cena is interviewed by Todd Grisham. Cena makes fun of Todd Grisham. Then he moves on to discuss poop.
FUN-STEALING BLACKS WHO LIKE TO STEAL FUN are still alive! It’s “Cryme Tyme’s Mother Day Sale.” They…have a steak. Then we cut to A STEAK-EATING BLACK WHO LIKES TO EAT STEAK (Viscera) preparing to eat a steak that isn’t there…wait, what? We cut back to Cryme Tyme, who now have prescription pills. And…we cut to AN OUT-FREAKING TARD WHO LIKES TO FREAK OUT freaking out. Then we cut back to Cryme Tyme (what?) and they want to sell us a Hummer. This leads to I’M OFF TO DRIVE MY HUMMER TO WHERE I KEEP THE ORIGINAL OF “THE SCREAM” THAT CRYME TYME SOLD ME who is trying to leave the building, but his Hummer is missing. Ha? He says “Damn.” Now A FAT GUY DRESSED AS SPIDERMAN shows up. He’s a fat White guy wearing a too-tight Spiderman costume that deliberately shows us his gut. And he really walks into the scene with Cryme Tyme, they don’t cut to him. Cryme Tyme call him “Tubby Maguire” and then make a “Batman” joke before attacking him with a baseball bat. Did that really happen?
Commercials. Wow, that was cosmically bad.
THE HAIRY TOYS is a stupid nickname but I don’t feel like rethinking. Their opponents are WE’VE GOT TITANIUM TESTICLES (nickname courtesy of something Super Asia thinks Lawler said about Kane once) and special guest commentary is being provided by WAYLON MERCY and his tag team partner ALSO WAYLON MERCY. Waylon Mercy was a big hick who liked to shake everyone’s hands, you see. And Cade and Murdoch want to shake the Hardyz’ hands. Presumably because they’ve got joy buzzers in their hands and it’s going to be SUCH a riot I assure you. JR has his Skittlegasm. I think Haas’ coat says “HAASTYLE” on it, which is always good for a laugh. Cade gets on Murdoch about the chew, and Murdoch responds by slaughtering a “Vince is bald” joke. Shelton and Matt start. Lots of running around ducking stuff and charging into elbows. Matt goes up for some yodellicious offense, but Haas distracts him, then slingshots his arm across the top rope. Shelton attacks some more. Tag to Haas, who does a middle rope double axehandle on Matt’s arm. Stomping. Haas pulls Matt up and does a…uh, that a Northern Lights suplex? The ref doesn’t count, at any rate. Haas does more arm-offense. Tag to Shelton, as Cade and Murdoch do a pretty crappy double-act. Murdoch says Matt looks like Cade’s ex-girlfriend, but Matt’s hands are too small. The he says “woodshed,” and JR thinks his material is being stolen. Shelton with a modified ninja chokeout, but Matt fights out. Shelton tries a hammerlock slam, but Matt slips out, Slop Drops him, and tags in Jeff. Jeff beats up both Squirtle Squaddies. Goofy legdrop on Haas, who…is he legal now? Whyspyr yn thy Wynd, but it only gets 2 as Shelton breaks it up. He gets his Fate Twisted anyway. Haas saves Shelton from a Swanton Bomb, but Matt attax and Haas ends up eating it. Hardyz win. Our quasi-evil rednecks go into the ring and ask for a handshake. Lawler suspects treachery, but the handshakes are given and the rednecks are all smiles. I’m not sure where this storyline is going. I think my brain is confused because while these are clearly tag teams, there also appears to be a storyline forming.
Carlito/Flair video package.
Commercials. Don’t smoke.
Snitsky package. Might I ask why?
FINALLY, I GET TO START SPITTING AGAIN is coming out with MY FACE GETS PAINTED WHITE AH FORGET IT. Torrie is all smiles, totally looking like someone who doesn’t expect to get apple spit at her. Lawler tells us Flair isn’t here tonight (doing a public appearance on the other side of the country,) so of course Carlito will call Flair out. Carlito basically blames all of his failures on Flair, then…calls Flair out. Carlito says he’s tired of “dead weight,” and then turns on Torrie. He yells at her in Spanish. He’s not really yelling now, he just talks Spanish at her. Wait, she shoves him and leaves. She didn’t get spit on at all! Rip-off. Carlito is really making it hard for me to justify buying that T-shirt.
The Condemned. Some guy, the director I think: “It’s not exactly easy to watch.”
I STOLE MY GIMMICK OF REPEATING EVERYTHING FROM RANDY ORTON is out first, but is immediately attacked from behind by SO KHALI KILLED ME, SO WHAT? Edge ends up sending Kennedy down to ringside and smashing him into the corner post. He steals a monitor from the announce desk and hits Kennedy with it. Kennedy looks a little dumpy from this camera angle. Not quite fat fake Spiderman dumpy, but still. Edge sends Kennedy into the ring, but the ref stops Edge from following up. Edge plays to the crowd as the ref and Kennedy chat for forever. Kennedy demands the ref ring the bell, and…immediately gets speared. Edge…wins. What the fuck? JR and Lawler sell that the ref wasn’t asking Kennedy if he wanted to continue, he was offering to never start the match at all. I guess Kennedy is going face after all. Edge nails Kennedy with the suitcase, twice, but the fans are chanting for Edge so I’m not sure this worked. So much for how this and Orton/Cena were both going to have time.
Commercials. Well, that sort of rendered the best match of Wrestlemania pointless. BUTWAIT, after rebeaking that live, I read on 411 how Kennedy ate a boat and will be out for a few months, hence the non-match match and losing his Monkey. I’d think having the guy disappear and then spontaneously return demanding an immediate title shot would be pretty cool, but that’s just me.
SO KHALI KILLED ME ALSO, SO WHAT? is out. Now NOT EVEN A FEUD WITH CURT HENNIG’S RAP-HATING GHOST WOULD MAKE ME BEARABLE is out. It’s already 11. Is Khali going to invade? I wouldn’t complain. Damn, there’s the bell. Circling, and Cena tries a ruthless rollup. These guys used to be Brothers in Ruthless Rollupery. Orton goes to the eyes, but Cena still whips him into the corner, kicks him, and gets the imperfectplex for 2. Now Cena tries a corner charge, but Angleizes himself. Randy clubbering away. It looks like he wants the RKB, but Cena is squirming around so he just clubbers some more instead. Kneedrop, cover for 2. Ninja chokeout. One front row fan is way more excited than anyone else. Orton sure can kill a match dead in a hurry. Cena almost powers out of the ninja chokeout, but Orton slaps it back on. The commentators stop talking about Khali for two seconds to talk about Randy Orton’s broken life. Cena escapes the ninja chokeout and does shoulderblocks. JR says “ground and pounder” and “smashmouth.” YCSM, FKS, but NOT EVEN THE GREAT SHAWN MICHAELS CAN CARRY DEFEAT ME wanders in. Cena wants the FU on Orton, but he gets distracted when Khali leaves with the spinny retardo belt. Orton attacks from behind, but Cena puts him in the STFU easily. Orton reaches the ropes, and Cena breaks and runs after Khali, who KOs him with the belt. And…we fade to black, no winner announced.
Final Thoughts: That sucked.
