I was gonna say something here and I forgot what it was.
FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUUUUMA TO THE SHORES OF TRIPOLI, I WILL NEVER LOSE THIS TIIIIITLE I’VE HELD FOR ETERNITY walks. “Eternity” really needs an “an” in front of it but it fucks up the cadence. I WILL DEFEND THE ECW TITLE IN A POOP-THROWING MATCH is Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the most marketable champion in ECW history. I’m not sure if I’m being sarcastic there or not. Vince is wearing a dew rag, and he says stuff like “wazzup holmes” and “peace-out.” Vince: “The champ is here! You saw the way I served Bobby Lashley.” Haha, served. Vince decides he’s the “King of Extreme.” Cena: “Unless ECW stands for Extremely Crazy White Gguy, all I’m seeing is a stooge in a dew rag.” Vince says more rap stuff, but KING OF EXTREME GAY PORN invades. Such a lazy, derivative HBK nickname. I think trying to think of new nicknames for these three is draining my rebeaking enthusiasm more than anything else. Well, expect for thinking of new nicknames for Randy Orton and Edge. HBK says Cena got lucky at Backlash and he (HBK) wants another shot and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Cena is up for it, but Vince says “the new ECW champion has the say.” So if Tommy Dreamer beats Vince on SciFi at some point, does he also take over RAW? Anyway, Vince says they can wrestle non-title tonight, and if HBK wins, he gets a title shot next week. Wow, I could get the same main event three times in as many weeks! Shades of Heat! Vince says “peace out my brothers” which is meant to be hilarious.
Whoaaaaaa I never give in, whoaaaaa I never etc.
Sign: “Umaga ate my sign!” He clearly hasn’t. Lawler: “Peace out my brother!” EDGE IS THE ONLY NAME I NEED is Edge, who doesn’t need a last name according to some chick who was on Jeopardy the other night. Trebek then tried to show he was knowledgeable by mentioning “the Undertaker and his brother,” which could mean he was watching wrestling a few weeks ago or a few years ago. Edge’s opponent is HEY, NOTHING I CAN SAY, WILL MAKE ME A BIGGER DOUCHE THAN PRINCE HARRY didn’t get a Britishy nickname last week. Neither did Edge, but eh. The whole “Rated R” thing really stopped making sense when Lita left, unless I’m completely missing the point of the label. Orton gets no pyro. NO PYRO IN THE DOGHOUSE. Unless this means he’s going to win (haha.) Lawler, during the melodramatic douche pose: “Randy’s saying this is how big my ego is!” Edge with a slap. JR: “That was a strategically well-placed slap!” Orton punches, Edge flees, Orton chases him outside of the ring, then back in, then Edge tries to ambush but gets thumbed in the eye. Orton clubbers a lot. Snap-mare, and he goes to the Garvin Stomp early. Maybe this means he’ll do it again! JR: “Stomping some of the arrogance perhaps out of his former tag team partner!” Orton drops a knee. It gets 1. JR: “Near-fall!” Orton with the bunches o’ punches. More clubbing. Paintbrush. That is not real. Rope-choking. More punches. Lawler comments on how the fans hate both guys, which may explain their apathy. Randy with more clubbering. Haha, he does this move with Edge on the apron where he’s supposed to sort of neckbreaker him across the top rope, but it just looks like Randy jumps up and lets go for no reason. Now Randy shoulderblocks Edge off the apron. I know Edge is going to win, but if WWE management is trying to teach Orton a lesson, why is he getting all the offense?
Commercials. Spiderman 3 might be good. Spiderman 2 SUCKED. I can’t believe how many people thought that movie was good. The villain and the hero spend approximately 0.001% of the film fighting.
We’re back, and guess what Orton is doing? He’s clubbering! Normally the best guess would be a ninja chokeout, but this has been especially action-packed. Business picks up as Edge spontaneously Palumboizes Orton. Orton staggers onto the apron, and Edge sort of spears him, launching Edge into the announce table as suddenly this got a whole lot better. Some woman tries to start a “holy shit” chant. We get a full-screen replay, because the original spot was crammed up in the corner of the screen so they could show a replay of the Angleization. JR: “I’ve never seen a body bouncing off our table!” Edge sends Randy back in and covers for 2. The fans chant “Randy.” You fuckers. Edge struts around cockily, and stomps. Edge hugs Randy. Oh, it’s just a really bad modified ninja chokeout. Randy elbows out, then punches. Running to the ropes, but Edge gives him a flying fancykick. Edge goes up, but Randy cuts him off. Trying a superplex. JR: “That front-facelocking Edge!” Edge headbutts Orton to send him down, then goes for THE STUPID and jumps right into a dropkick. Classic stupid, as Edge was only going to make contact if Orton dropkicked. Both men slow to rise, and now they trade punches a bit. Edge goes to the eyes, does some out-on-his-feet dancing, but wanders into the RKB. It gets 2. Orton thinks that should have won, just like every other time he does it. Orton Papa Shangos and gets kicked in the face, but Edge runs into a powerslam for 2. Randy tries a right hand, but Edge turns it into the Edge-o-matic for 2. The crowd is chanting for Randy again (I hereby declare that this is the result of Edge being more over and refuse to acknowledge that turning Randy face might work) as both guys do a runny-aroundy and a whoop-de-doo spot that ends with both guys flying crossbodying into each other. Naptime again. Edge is up first, and he pulls off a turnbuckle pad. The ref sees it, admonishes him, and allows Randy to roll Edge up with a handful of tights for 2, but Edge reverses into a panty-grabbing roll-up for 2. Randy gets a clothesline, then sends Edge into the corner. Going for the ten-punch countalong, but Edge slips out and snake-eyeseses Randy. Randy’s forehead is busted open. Edge covers with his feet on the ropes, but only gets 2. Randy rolls Edge up, puts his feet on the ropes, and gets 2. Shades of HBK vs The Model with everybody trying to out-cheat each other. Randy wants the RKO, but Edge turns it into the EdgeuwhateverhisDDTis for a looooong 2. Edge wants the spear, but Randy leapfrogs and Edge…well, he doesn’t really hit the turnbuckle, but our announcers insist he did. JR: “It’s not covered in barbeque!” Yes, because that would be fucking weird. Randy stalking Edge for the RKO, but Edge pushes him off. Randy catches himself in the corner, but turns right into a spear, and that gets Edge the win. Edge has a really awesome evil grin.
Let’s watch the closing seconds of last week’s main event. Let’s look at a really cheap “John Cena Shawn Michaels III” graphic. Let’s watch how Lashley “imposed his will” two weeks ago and made some Italian guy IC champ. Santino Marrella’s first interview is later tonight. JR: “And this is an outstanding young man ladies and gentlemen! You’re gonna love uh…I truly believe, Santino Marrella! His uh…he is infectious!”
Commercials. So who’s staler, the gecko or the cavemen?
Todd Grisham introduces us to I AM INFECTIOUS. They’re sitting backstage in the room where JR used to have really deep, personal interviews with Foley, or have his muppet burned by Kane. Todd tells us Marrella came to America to be a wrestler (oh boo) and was just visiting his old home town when all of this happened. We…watch more replays. Marrella admits he had help from “Roberto Lashley.” He calls him Roberto because HE’S JUST THAT ITALLIAN! Now he says he has a billion brothers (Catholics) and they drinka lotsa wine and mangia mangia pasta fondue boy is he ever Italian. His first title defense is next week. He will face Super Crazy in a battle to decide, once and for all, if there should be an eagle between the green stripe and the red stripe.
REALLY VERY DISAPPOINTED is RVD, who isn’t happy that Vince is trying to erase “all of our extreme memories.” I think you can blame that on the pot, dude. Anyway, this was apparently previously recorded as Vince has already angrily booked RVD versus Umaga later tonight.
Vince (the King of Extreme) is talking to Shane “No Nickname” McMahon backstage. Vince wants Umaga to “beat the stuffings” out of RVD. Shane: “I already talked to Umaga, he’s on board.” What a fascinating conversation that must have been. Sagest debate since Gan Ning and Wei Yan. Vince thanks Shane for last night. Shane hugs and Vince and says “I love you, Dad.” That was probably supposed to be funny. Vince lets him hold the belt. I’m…confused.
Maria tries to interview Edge, but he’s a big meanie. Edge is angry because he wants da belt. Edge: “I’M GONNA FORCE MYSELF, INSERT MYSELF!”
Commercials. Netzero. Not free.
Appropriately enough, the Skittles replay is about Hardyz.
Our commentators have been joined by NOT GARRISON CADE and REALLY NOT PETEY WILLIAMS. They’re trying to act like respectful babyfaces as they call a singles match for RAINBOW WARRIORS COME OUT TO GAAAAAY. Jeff will be facing SO IS MELINA STILL MY GIRLFRIEND OR WHAT? Cade: “We’re all about sportsmanship here.” For some reason I find everything he says hilarious. Circling, and Jeff quickly gets a side-Russian legsweep and his queer legdrop across your legs pin for 2. Murdoch: “Man, he is quick.” Murdoch’s delivery is a perfect blend of disingenuousness and hickocity. Jeff does the ELUM kick and tries some goofiness in the corner but jumps into the boots. Nitro tries to cover for 2 a few times (after no offense at all.) Murdoch: “I need a beer and some popcorn, this is a match here.” Nitro throws some punches. Ninja chokeout, and Jeff fights out. Murdoch: “You gotta give them boys props.” Nitro punches (JR: “Imposes his will”) but charges into the corner and Jeff evades. Whyspyr yn thy Wynd (called by Murdoch, hahaha) by Jeff. He does a forearm or two, then a sort of vertical suplex into a release facebuster. Nitro somehow takes over during a replay. Nitro with the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody, but it’s not a finisher now so Nitro goes up top. Cade: “Quicker than a rascal.” Jeff cuts Nitro off. JR: “Quicker than a hiccup.” So…is a hiccup quicker than a rascal?” Nitro tries to clubber Jeff down and powerbomb him off the top or something, but Jeff backdrops him down and gets the Swanton for 3. Our guest commentators get up and…applaud. Cade gets a mic and reannounces Jeff as the winner. Murdoch, with a mic: “Come on folks, give another round of applause!” Cade wants to head to the ring to shake Jeff’s hand. JR is all thrilled with their attitude, and Lawler is basically laughing at JR for trusting them. Jeff is smarter than JR, as he bails.
Commercials. Don’t care.
Backlash replays. And here comes THE CLOWN PRINCE OF EXTREME, who is here to introduce FEAR MY SCARY TIKI MASK ENTRANCE MOVIE. Estrada apparently died at Backlash, so Shane must be here to break cigars. Umaga’s opponent is, I don’t feel like thinking of a new nickname…uh…RALWAYS VOUNDING DASS. And…we go to commercials.
Commercials. We went to them. And…we go to the show.
The show. RVD is dropkicking Umaga as we return. He does runny-aroundy offense, but then jumps up top, and Umaga shoves him in the butt and sends RVD crashing to the floor. Umaga sends him back in, and drops a leg. Umaga has a really, really big ass. Kick by Umaga, who shouts. Savage, martial arts clubber. Another. Weak “ECW” chant. RVD fights back a bit, but runs into a Samoan Drop. Umaga sits around a bit. Replay of the Samoan Drop. RVD punches a bit, then tries, stupidly, to lift Umaga, who lands on top of him. Stomp. RVD punches, but Umaga no-sells. Umaga charges into a corner, but RVD floats out and slaps on a sleeper. Fan sign: “Umaga’s 3 Mins are up!” It’s been a year, Mr. Smark. And they’re minutes, not Mins. For some reason, we tease the sleeper working for a million years before Umaga powers up and rams RVD into the corner, ass-first. And again. Umaga finally tosses RVD over the ropes to the floor. Umaga follows RVD out, and RVD applies the sleeper on the floor. The ref makes a big deal of stopping Shane from breaking it up. Lawler: “Extremely Crappy Wrestling!” We get the sleeper for another few years before Umaga breaks it in a pretty cool way, by diving back-first (and therefore RVD-first) into the ring steps. Umaga returns to the ring, and RVD barely beats the count. Umaga does a strolling, diving headbutt. Puncheries in the corner. Looking for the Face Full of Poi, but RVD evades. RVD does shoulderblocks and kicks from the apron. Sunset flip attempt, Umaga tries to sit on him, but RVD evades (JR: “Avoided destruction!”) and gets some dropkicks. RVD with more punches, ducking various attacks, and doing jumpy kicks. RVD goes up top, and gets a flying fancykick! ROOFLEing Thundarr, but Umaga kicks out with authority. Headbutts. Umaga tries to ram RVD into the top turnbuckle, but not even Umaga can do that as RVD blocks with a boot and kicks. Umaga misses a corner charge, and RVD gets a springboard fancykick. Going up top, 5 Asterisk Frog Splash, but Umaga caught RVD by the throat!! Samoan Spike, 123, and that was actually a pretty neat ending. Fan sign: “SAVE US HHH.” NO! BAD FAN! You were cheering for Orton earlier, weren’t you? Vince comes out and celebrates but he got a nickname already.
Commercials. Yup.
Cowboy Troy is here. Who cares?
Carlito and Ric talk backstage. Carlito says he’s sorry he yelled at Ric (Ric advises him to yell in English next time) and that if they can’t win their match with Haas and Benjamin tonight, maybe they should part ways while they’re still friends. Ric agrees and leaves. Torrie tries to talk and Carlito yells at her because yelling at Torrie is always cool.
Todd Grisham introduces Shawn Michaels, but…uh…no one seems to be coming out. The Stupidtron suddenly reveals Shawn all dead backstage, and generic dudes (BARF!) attending to him.
Commercials. PROPANE RULES ELECTRICITY DROOLS.
Coachman and Cena both hover around HBK’s corpse. Coachman thinks Cena did it, so Cena grabs his lapels threateningly. Vince McMahon appears and wants HBK propped up and ready to compete. Is that Val Venis? That’s definitely IRS. A different guy from the one I thought was Venis.
BFF are Ric and Carlito, with Torrie. Their opponents are WGFF. Flair and Haas start. Flair woos. Flair gets some armdrags and stuff to start. Chop. Lawler: “That’s where the term wooooo comes from!” Tag to Carlito, who chops. Haas forces Carlito into the evil corner, and Shelton tags in. Puncheries. Carlito fights back, sends Shelton into the ropes, and back elbows him. Shelton reverses a whip, ducks a springboard fancy attack, but gets ranaed down when Carlito lands on his feet. It gets two. Shelton takes back over and tags in Haas for stomping. Flair comes in, but the ref stops him and we get more doubleteaming by the heels. Haas chokes Carlito in the ropes. Knee to the face. Backbreaker by Haas. JR: “The backbreaker, effective!” Carlito kicks out at 2, and Haas slaps on a ninja chokeout. The fans chant Carlito, and Flair inadvertently stops it with a woo. Haas tags in Shelton to clubber a bit. Carlito punches back with southpaw power, but Shelton takes him down with…something I missed. Another ninja chokeout. The crowd chants for Flair as Shelton tags in Haas. Haas goes down on one knee, and Shelton slams Carlito back-first across Haas’ knee. Haas with clubbery, then a modified ninja chokeout. Tag to Shelton. Carlito blocks Shelton’s attax, knocks Haas off the apron, and…counters something or other by Shelton. Naptime. JR tells us Carlito is “elusive.” Shades of Robert Denby. Tag to Flair, who punches a lot. Haas charges in, but Carlito dropkicks him. Flair chops away on Shelton, sends him to the ropes, and back body drops him. Flair struts around as Carlito waits to betray him, and…Carlito lays him out with a left. Carlito clubbers the Hell out of Flair, who…wow, actually fights back and goes to Carlito’s eyes instead of just taking the babyface beating. Flair tries to leave, but Flair chases him down and attax. Carlito fights him off and tries to retreat again, but Flair chases him down again. Not the best betrayal ever, Carlito.
Backstage, Edge is dead. Long live the Edge. Coachman and Chioda discuss the matter. Orton falls under suspicion (and will thus be found dead later.)
Commercials. More scary horror stuff.
JR and Lawler are talking about who killed HBK and Edge and are cut off in mid-word with more crap about The Condemned. Haha, an intense, extreme cover of a Phil Collins song. Or Genesis. Same difference. Lawler: “I’m quite the movie critic…” Go ahead, guess what he thought of the movie.
I BBOKE INTO A BANK invades! That’s a reference to Tenchi Muyo!, and it’s probably wrong, so pat yourself on the back for not getting it. Maybe Mr. Kennedy killed everybody, that would be neat. Kennedy: “Huhuhuhuhuh, I didn’t do that.” He makes jokes about how he has a white Bronco with no blood stains. He doesn’t need to murder people backstage, because he has the monkey in the bank. Kennedy: “I could have eaaaasily walked out of Backlash as a champion, but I decided not to.” I thought he was gonna say he could have specifically been the ECW champion. He asks the crowd who wants to see him cash in the monkey “right here in Nashville Tennessee, huh, huh?” Cheers. Kennedy: “Nah.” He says Edge was a coward to cash in his briefcase when Cena was hurt, and he intends to tell us exactly when he’s cashing in. “Ladies and gentlemen the countdown is on, because in just three hundred and thirty five days (hahaha) at Wrestlemana 24, Mr. Kennedy cashes in the briefcase, there will be a new champion, and his name, will be, MISTEEEEEEEER KENNEDY!” Pause. “KENNEDY!”
Coach and Kenny Dykestra (??) find Orton’s corpse. So, they finally turning Cena or what?
Commercials. Badonkadonk butt.
Our Replay of the Replay. At Backlash, Melina had no Backlash, on Mickie.
Coach reports to Vince, who is (GET READY FOR A SHOCK) mean to Coach. Vince says he’s figured it out, and the one who did it, did it for Cena. He tells Coach to send Cena to the ring, where he will meet the man responsible.
JR: “Superstars going down (sexy) like they have the plague!” EVIL BITCHES are out. JR yells about Skittles. Their opponents (the ladies, not the Skittles) are GOOD BITCHES. It’s finals week and I gotta skip something, so the four minute women’s match seems like fair game. Candice rolls up Victoria, so you now know who the other two girls were. The highlight was Candice trying to do a fancy rana and almost Drozling Victoria in the process.
John Cena walks around. Please turn him heel. Or make him drop the belt. Just do SOMETHING.
Commercials. Law. But not just law. Order too.
The ECW Originals aren’t happy about Vince being the champion. Tommy Dreamer: “I broke my neck, I broke my back, I met my wife, I have my kids, because of ECW!” Wait, what? I like how they show Sabu being all angry and about to talk, then cut away. All of this is a just a teency bit empty without Heyman.
Earlier tonight, various corpses were found. No matter how many times Coach and Kenny say “Randy,” he never recovers. Hey, maybe Kenny did it. It makes sense…he hates HBK for killing the Spirit Squad, he never got to join Rated RKO…yeah, it’s definitely Kenny.
THESE FANS APPARENTLY THEY’RE GLAD TO SEE ME is John Cena, whose nickname comes from JR saying “these fans apparently, they’re glad to see the WWE champion” as the crowd is, of course, booing. Cena: “Apparently someone is trying to make a statement. Apparently, someone is trying to get the attention of the WWE champion! Whoever you are, I got news for ya, I coulda saved you the energy of three beatdowns, I do not ever, EVER back down from any challenge, so simply put, whoever you are, you want some, COME GET SOME!” Now please, PLEASE laugh evilly and admit you did it because you’re sick of Edge and sick of Orton and sick of HBK and especially sick of the back-stabbing fans and AH SHIT IT’S FUCKING KHALI. Cena rushes out to meet him, but Khali no-sells his punches. Haha, he’s supposed to toss Cena into the ring, but Cena bounces off the ropes and has to roll in under the bottom rope so Khali can follow him in. Cena tries punches and shoulderblocks and shit, but Khali no-sells and ham-hands him down. Big boot. Standing around. Kicks. Khali, slightly better at moving around than the Giant Gonzalez, but so much less fashionably dressed. Cena blocks Khali’s always laugh-worthy overhand chop and tries the F-U, but Khali elbows and escapes. Lifting choke bomb (JR: “Double-barrel chokeslam!”) and Khali grabs the belt. One-foot covering the guy who has gone over all the most talented workers in the promotion (and Orton) a dozen times. JR: “Imposing his physical will!” That’s his version of Cole talking about King Booker’s court. You know, when there was one. JR: “Look at the size of the elbow! Twice!” One look is never enough.
Final Thoughts: That went from pretty good to completely shitty in exactly as much time as it takes to recognize Khali’s theme music.
