KESSEN 2 (WEIRD FOR WORDS:) It turns out Cao Cao is mean because someone killed his Moms right after she got done doing up his hair. You get to play as Cao Cao after winning as Liu Bei. It’s like playing as Liu Bei, but not as wussysome.
FALCONCREST: I’ve seen the Glennon crest before. Fishless.
Hey, let’s start the London show with the effeminate dancing of SHANE SPICE. He comes out and says stuff, including that Lashley is not here. That’s a completely pointless thing to say, since when they say that it turns out to be wrong about half the time (so you can’t even count on it meaning that he really is here,) but it does segue into some clips of last week. Shane mentions that it’s Saint George’s Day, and challenges anyone in the crowd to step up and face Shane “The Dragon” McMahon. He makes special mention of some local celebrity. Shane: “The coach, if you will, of the Chelsea football team!” And what if I will not, Shane? What then? Shane then announces that he actually “scoured” Britain to find “the baddest man walking this Earth here” and introduces LORD JOBBINGSWORTH. It’s some British jobber. He beats the jobber up for awhile, and eventually sets up that, as Lawler puts it “patented Shane McMahon maneuver,” the Van Terminator. Now he gets a mic again, and tells us that he forgot to tell Lord Jobbingsworth that this is actually a two-on-one handicap match. And his partner is A SEMI-LORRY. It’s actually Umaga, whom JR described as a “semi-truck.” So…semi-lorry…ha? Umaga beats up the jobber a bit. JR thinks this may be intended as a message to Lashley. Lawler: “I don’t think it doesn’t take Einstein to figure that out.” Shane now says he forgot to mention this isn’t a two-on-one handicap match (you totally said it was oh my God you filthy liar) and that it’s three-on-one. Here comes the third man, BY THE WAY FISH AND CHIPS AREN’T AN APHRODESIAC I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D CATCH THAT ONE. He simply pins the jobber. Huzzah.
Hey, Umaga has been around for a year, I hear. The more pleasant surprise is that Estrada has survived for months after the McMahons essentially took over managing Umaga.
Here’s a montage of shots from HBK vs Cena at Wrestlemania, set to really dramatic music. They go with “soft but dramatic acoustic guitar” instead of the normal Wagnerian Gotterdammerung music.
Commercials. I switched back to PS2 to try and wrap up a Kessen 2 battle.
We’re back, and our something of the something is Lance Cade defeating Jeff Hardy in a shocking example of Jeff Hardy not wrestling Khali.
Hey, it’s the return of the SOMETHING SOMETHING TORNADO theme! It’s WE WANT JEFF (w/WE WANT MATT.) Matt, with Jeff. You notice how when either one tries to go single, the fans chant for the other one? Well, I do. Fans sure are mean. Matt’s opponent is WE DON’T WANT LANCE, REALLY (w/OR TREVOR.) I once had such high hopes for these two, especially the fabulously ugly Trevor Murdoch, but alas, DX ruins everything. Everything DX touches, it destroys. So it’s collective crotch is thoroughly destroyed. JR: “I do believe that Cade and Murdoch are getting hot!” Later: “I love their upside!” That’s backsides. Murdoch clubbers and stuff as the fans chant “let’s go Hardy.” Murdoch wanders into some armdrags and stuff. Murdoch reverses a corner whip, but wanders into an elbow. Matt goes up, but Trevor pulls his legs out of his leg and Matt goes down. Murdoch clubbers away and…is ugly. He pulls some tape off his wrists for evil purposes, but the ref makes him throw it away. Trevor punches, then shakes his hand around to get the feeling back. I love little touches like that. Murdoch does stuff, but Matt counters by doing stuff, but then runs into an elbow. Murdoch going up top (AIR MURDOCH) but misses a flying elbow. Matt fights back, yodels, and charges Murdoch in the corner. Bulldog (not British) and a cover for 2. Side-Effect, and our commentators are shocked when it gets 2. Matt goes up, yodeling legdrop to the back of Trevor’s head. Signaling for the Twist, but Lance hops up on the apron. Matt attacks (where the fuck is Jeff?) allowing Trevor to attax Matt. He Angleizes Matt in the corner. Setting him up for a piledriver…what the fuck!? I think Trevor Murdoch just tried to do the Canadian Destroyer, which is hilarious in and of itself, but he can’t flip all the way, so he ends up landing on his back with Matt’s weight coming down on top of him. It gets 3, regardless. Must be seen to be believed. The Waxahachie Texas Destroyer…flipping around and dragging someone on top of you. Todd Grisham busts out a second voice in a whole new range to announce the winner.
Maria exists. Somehow this leads to Lawler talking about The Condemned.
Commercials. Still hadn’t sorted Sun Quan out yet.
We’re back, and Todd is sexfully announcing FUZZY BARBARIAN WELLINGTONS. Her opponent is EVERY STEP SHE TAKES, MY BLOOD IS FLOWING. Hadn’t noticed that line in her music before, but indeed, Maria stepping does not freeze the blood in this singer’s veins and cause him to die. Melina throws Maria down, and Maria responds by throwing Melina down. Melina rams Maria into the corner and does barbarian boot choking. Choking in the ropes. Lawler, on Melina: “She said she was a little bit disappointed by one thing here in England.” JR: “What was that?” What’s that, Edgar? Lawler: “When she found out Big Ben was a clock.” HUHR HUHR SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GUY WITH A BIG DONG HURH I MEAN HUHR. Lawler, immediately after saying what he said before: “That’s why I would like to hang around with her!” Wait, what? Because she incorrectly identifies famous landmarks as peniseses? Speaking of dicks, this VCR is hooked up to a new universal remote that won’t allow me to turn to channel to nothing so I can stop the tape to retype something and not be harassed by daytime TV. As a result, every time I stop, I hear a few seconds of the Greg Behrendt Show and have a strong urge to kill myself. Anyway, Maria does some clotheslines and jumpy stuff, but gets stupid with it and allows Melina to just spike her face on the canvas. That gets 3. Remember when Melina had a finisher for like two weeks? Melina backs up the aisle posing with the belt, and somehow, Mickie James does not attax.
Backstage, Flair tries to talk to Carlito, but Carlito talks back. None of it is micced (miced?) worth a shit so I can’t hear anything.
More commercials. I think I was finally able to kill Sun Quan’s stupid ass here. He wears like antlers with feathers or something in Kessen, it’s very weird.
We’re back. JR yells about Skittles. Lawler: “What about me!? BURGER KING!” That was odd.
Todd really gives his all in introducing ONE OF THE MOST SCARIEST ATHLETES JR HAS BEEN AROUND. Khali. JR called him “the most scariest.” His opponent is PASSION IS COOL who apparently refused Ric’s help in the last segment. Anyway, Khali hits him, stands around, hits him, etc. Carlito slips out of something or other, goes up top, and goes for THE STUPID. JR decides it was meant to be a missile dropkick, but you really couldn’t tell because he just sort of jumped up in the air and let Khali graze him with a hand. Khali does more stuff and then wins. Why the fuck is Khali still around? Didn’t even the smarkiest smarks think he would be fired by now? JR can’t think of anyone who can beat Khali. Not even in a Punjabi Prison match, for example? Wait, that ended up being Show versus Taker, nevermind. Taker beat Khali at some point, didn’t he? I’M HERE FOR SOME NOT DEAD BRITISH WOMEN (WOO) comes out, but Carlito yells at him all Hispanically. *SOUNDS OF ANGRY SPANISH PEOPLE.* How shocked and angry can Carlito be that he jobbed to Khali? Hasn't he done that like twenty times now?
Commercials. Is this fucking psychic detective show still even on? We’re gonna have flying cars and farms on the Moon before this douche stops warning Triple H not to get sunburned.
We’re back, and here’s I CAME TO ENGLAND TO PISS ON WINSTON CHURCHILL’S GRAVE. Foley reminds us that some dying kid booked a stupid main event for Backlash. Hey, the kid was dying, it’s not my fault. We’re all dying, technically. What a morose Foley segment this is. THAT CRACK-LOVING CRACKSTER WHO LOVES TO HAVE CRACK is Edge. “Crack” means “fun” in England. Well, it really just means “good/great” in a general sense, but now that I’ve accused Edge of loving crack I feel like I have to stand by it. Edge tells us he’s going to beat up Randy Orton tonight. Apparently on a plane trip back to the States, since Randy got kicked out of London for being such a dick. Nice job not editing that out of the broadcast, guys.
More on the Condemned. Whee.
Commercials. Snore.
HBK and Cena talk backstage. RAW IS TALK. Cena: “A lot of people round here say a lot of things. Like they’re a ‘Legend Killer’ or a ‘Rated R Superstar,’ or a ‘Show Stopper.’ You know what they say about me?” OMG THE CHAMP THE MARINE JOHN CENA IS HERE MY GOD? Cena: “I’m just John Cena. The champ.” Yeah, no stupid nickname for you, “The Marine.” HBK grins as “Gay Orgasm” hits, and heads for the ring. JR: “Shawn Michaels is gonna let his talking for tonight be done in the ring!” He tends to talk in the ring, then backstage, then in the ring again, and occasionally in a little magical box floating in the upper left hand corner of the screen. GAYER THAN ELTON JOHN gets his full entrance. Then comes JUST JOHN. Just John, host of former Smark Attack Column “Just the MARINE OMG THE CHAMP IS MARINE HERE Facts.” So…there’s no Edge/Orton match, is this gonna be the rest of the show? Someone revoke my smark card, but I really don’t want to watch these guys wrestle for an hour. Cena is roundly booed. Lawler: “If this match is even a fraction of what it was at Wrestlemania, it’ll be a classic!” It could be one of them complex fractions. Or one of those fractions that’s bigger than 1. Feeling-out to start. Arm-wringery, headlocks, etc. Lawler tells us that as great a wrestler as Cena is (hahaha) Shawn Michaels may be a better technician. Cena wins a headlock reversal exchange and grins goofily. Shawn with arm-wringery, a backdrop, and a cover. Shawn does more arm stuff, but Cena takes him down. HBK bolts for the ropes, and Cena gives us the “Triple H’s penis is this big” sign. I really don’t see how Cena came THIS CLOSE to winning with that takedown. Oh, they’re pushing the STFU, which I guess was the finish at Mania. I HATE when that stupid move works. JR: “The FATAL STFU!” John Cena won’t stop until SOMEBODY DIES. Lawler talks about how so many people have claimed they’d beat Cena, but no one has. Uh, really? HBK runs around, but Cena drop toe-holds him, and does the tiny penis sign again because even touching HBK’s leg means Shawn Michaels almost tapped out. Cena smiles stupidly some more as we stall. JR claims that Cena has gotten into HBK’s head by interrupting his “quiet time.” HBK tries a waistlock, Cena reverses and takes him down, and HBK has to go to the ropes to escape the STFU again. I might be enjoying this if I liked either competitor. HBK slaps Cena, who punches back. HBK is trying pretty hard to be the bad guy here, slapping Cena heelishly and bailing for the ropes constantly and pussing out when Cena punches him, but the British fans just refuse to cheer the Yankee wigger over the Yankee gay porn idol. Let’s take a break, the stalling is too exciting.
Commercials. I…didn’t tape them. Huh. Was I still fucking around with Sun Quan? It’s tough to win battles two minutes at a time.
We’re back, and Cena is working a headlock. At least no one is bailing for the ropes and stalling for ten minutes between lockups. This match was seriously looking like Larry Zbyszko in chaps versus Larry Zbyszko in cargo shorts. They fight over a headlock some more. Here’s some fan wearing a “Can you see me Cena?” sign. Cena works the headlock some more as I, uh, note some kid noting himself on the Britaintron. HBK punches his way out of the headlock, tries a hiptoss, but gets clotheslined. Cover for 2, and there’s a ninja chokeout as JR tries to get excited about how Cena skillfully blocked a hiptoss. HBK fights out of the ninja chokeout and hits Cena with a back elbow. HBK stomping. Chops in the corner. Whipped to the other corner. Chops. Cena, who has taken like no punishment up to this point, goes into “I am almost dead” selling as HBK chops. Some woman screeches constantly. HBK whips Cena into the corner, but charges into a big boot and then a clothesline. Cena covers for 2, and then he slaps on a headlock. Sigh. Cena runs around and does shoulderblocks. HBK teases a souparkick and Cena teases the FU (HBK squirms out and heads to the floor) to liven things up a bit. Just in time for a break.
Commercials. UMAGA DOES NEED A LEASH GUHR HUHR. Also, Super Paper Mario, the Paper Mario game in 3D. Uh…what was the point of Paper Mario if it wasn’t to do 2D?
It’s RAW in London, and nothing is happening that I can use for Doctor Who references. HBK has Cena in the corner and punches. Lawler: “Boy, this is amazing!” HBK sends Cena to a corner and chops him. JR talks about HBK proving he is the superior man. DX ARE NAZI SUPERMEN OMG. HBK…stomps. Chop. Cena punches back. HBK sends Cena to the ropes. HBK tries to leapfrog, but Cena catches him and turns it into the World’s Strongest Boogeymanslam. It gets 2, and both Lawler and JR cannot believe HBK kicked out of that most devastating move JR called “the slam!” Cena whips HBK into the corner. Lawler: “I think he’s gonna go for that FU!” Catching him off the rebound (Lawler: “Here it is!”) with the Imperfectplex (Lawler: “No!”) Cena covers for 2. Cena stalking HBK. Kick, wham, Throwback!? Haven’t seen that in a while. I guess when John has to wrestle for an hour, he’s forced to pull out his legendary fifth move. It gets 2. Cena now punches, and it’s HBK’s turn to heroically punch back. Or chop. Cena sends HBK into the ropes and Papa Shangos, but gets a back body drop to work anyway. A cover gets 2. Cena wants a suplex or something, but HBK slips out and neckbreakers Cena. JR: “Quicker than a hiccup!” Later: “That’s like pouring smoke through a keyhole!” Back to you punch then I punch/chop. Cena reverses a whip, but eats the flying burrito. JR: “Shawn Michaels exploded in the face of John Cena!” John Cena gets painted white, every night. SHOCKINGLY, HBK stays down for a while after the flying burrito, and then kips up. It gets a big pop. Cena charges into an inverted atomic drop. Punches. Body slam. JR: “Michaels’ lower back is giving him heck right now!” Language, JR. HBK goes up top…Macho Elbow connects. HBK starts tuning up the band. Cena attempts to charge in with a clothesline, but instead of just superkicking him and winning, HBK ducks and does a backslide for 2. Cena now runs around and tries a shoulderblock, but HBK ducks and Cena ends up launching himself to the floor. Well, he just sort of rolls to the floor, but it’s more dramatic if you imagine him flying out to the floor. Young British twits chant for Cena. HBK tries a slingshot splash to the floor, but Cena catches him. Well, I never said he wasn’t a pretty strong wigger. HBK slips out of whaever and shoves Cena into the steps. I might be excited if I didn’t already hear who ends up winning.
Commercials. Why is the Spongebob Nopants guy taking a bath in the middle of the afternoon while his wife does laundry anyway?
We’re back, with some replays. JR: “POWER! POWER!” In the ring, HBK is working the shoulder. He puts Cena in a hammerlock and Palumboizes Cena. JR: “There’s something about this left arm situation!” Cena rolls to the floor, then, uh, tells himself to get up. SPOT CALLING OMG. I’ll let JR call the action: “Michaels jerking Cena’s arm!” In bed. HBK hammerlocks Cena in the ring. He tries to maneuver Cena onto his back (in bed) but Cena fights out (JR: “Before the fatal three count!”) Fatal Three Count included MURDER Shane Helms and Evan DEATH Karagias. Cena slams HBK with one arm, but stupidly tries to follow up with an elbow drop which HBK evades. Cena reverses a whip, but Papa Shangos and gets kicked. But then he starts doing clotheslines and shoulderblocks as per usual. JR: “Cena with all the power!” Later: “John Cena is back driving the train!” YES, YES POWER TRAIN, YOU ARE THE POWER TRAIN! Cena does that one move he does. YCSM, and Lawler claims Cena is admonishing his own shoulder. FKS. JR: “Michaels ate the right hand!” Cena stalking HBK for the FU, going for it, but HBK wiggles out. Half-assed souparkick attempt, but Cena ducks and goes for the FU again, and…gets it this time. It gets 2, which is pretty damned surprising. I wasn’t sure if it was a pleasant surprise or not. You can easily overthink these things…it might mean Cena winning by STFU which I would hate, but HBK going over almost certainly means Cena winning at Backlash which would mean yet another ppv in which we just maintain the murderously boring status quo. Anyway, JR and Lawler both freak the fuck out at the FU only getting 2, and we…fade to an ad for The Condemned,
Commercials. The Condemned is, according to one critic, “Rambo meets Survivor!” It’s like The Last Boy Scout meets The Last Boy Scout 2! If there was one. It’s like Die Hard on a train, only in an office building during a Christmas party!
We’re back, and apparently Cena didn’t think to just do the FU a few more times during the break and win. Instead, we return to Cena tossing HBK to the floor. Some fans chant for Cena, who seems to be winning people over by just weathering the first thirty minutes of boos. Cena rams HBK into the post, then sends him back in and covers for 2. Lawler: “You have to laugh to keep from crying!” Cena clubbers the back a bit, then tries for a vertical suplex. HBK fights it for forever, but eventually gets taken over for 2. JR goes all old school Vince with some “It was 3 oh no it was 2” crap. Cena busts out the bear hug in a desperate effort to inspire r&b to start covering RAW. HBK eventually fights out, but Cena reverses his corner whip and HBK does his super duper Flair Flip spot. It was made especially odd because he wasn’t moving that fast as he ran into the corner, but did the turnbuckle flip part like he hit it at about a million miles per hour. Or whatever that is in kilometers. Or under the Imperial system. Michaels ends up on the floor, acting dead. I could swear we’re going to a break, but we get replays instead. Cena goes out and throws HBK in as our commentators note that only pussies accept victory via countout. Cena goes up top (!?) and gets some, I admit it, nice elevation on route to a legdrop across the back of HBK’s head. Way to show up Matt Hardy, he did that move better than Matt and he didn’t even need to yodel to fire himself up. Cena covers for 2, and the crowd really thought that was it. That sort of teased finish is sort of ruined by the WWE’s decade-old policy of never ending matches with anything but finishers or roll-ups. Cena now puts HBK up top (JR: “Nothing good can happen there!”) and…trying to set up a top-rope FU. HBK fights him off, slips down, and powerbombs Cena off the top rope. Ok, I’m finally getting suckered in a bit here. HBK is too dead to capitalize, and they tease a stoppage by referee count before both men rise. Cena goes with a drop toe-hold, but HBK kicks him off before he can apply his stupid submission finisher. Cena ends up on the apron, and HBK gets a running start and shoulderblocks Cena off the apron onto the announce table. Both men play dead again. HBK is up first, and intentionally breaks the ref’s count to murder Cena. He kicks a piece off of the ring steps, and tries to piledrive Cena on them, but Cena backdrops him. JR: “How’s Michaels gonna survive this!?” Lawler: “He’s not!” Good night, sweet crotch-chopper.
Commercials. Dude, don’t try to get your dog to smoke pot.
Backlash stuff. Did you know Mister McMahon had his head shaved at Wrestlemania? It’s true!
We’re back, and both guys are rolling around on the announce table punching each other. Lawler gibbers like an idiot. Cena starts screaming “HE WON’T STAY DOWN” right in the protesting ref’s face in a rare instance of Cena being pretty awesome. Back in the ring, HBK is trying to crawl away on his hands and knees, and Cena just slaps on the STFU right in the middle of the ring and it’s way cooler than it has any right to be. Cena starts screaming like a madman, and while this is hardly Angle/Benoit it’s heart is at least in the right place. HBK plays at fading out, but eventually gets to the rope. Cena is now completely screwed, because neither finisher worked. Cena waits for HBK to pull himself to his feet. No, he goes after him, but the ref makes him stop. Michaels wants the souparkick, Cena ducks it, tries the FU, but HBK slips out and gets a souparkick anyway. Michaels is too devastated to cover, he eventually crawls over, and Cena gets a hand on the rope. Foot on the rope is a little lame, but hand on the rope is even worse because he could clearly have just raised his shoulder. Both men slowly pull themselves up. HBK chops in the corner. Both guys were doing “an hour into a match” selling at the ten minute point, and are now, after almost an hour, doing “we have been wrestling for a week” selling. Cena reverses a corner whip, HBK does another Flair Flip, but this time ends up in the ring, stumbling into position for the FU…but HBK lands on his feet! That was pretty sweet, actually. Souparkick, and this time HBK’s own momentum sees him land directly on Cena so there’s no slow cover, 1, 2, 3! The crowd approves. HBK leans sexfully over Cena’s corpse (the quick cover seems unimportant in retrospect since Cena is dead for at least two full choruses of “Sexy Boy”) and indicates that he will win the spinny retardobelt (this was non-title, did I not mention that?) at Backlash. Crotch chops. For one brief shining moment, you could be excused for thinking the WWE is listening to it’s fans and realizes almost all of them hate watching John Cena win all the time.
Final Thoughts: I guess I’m still a wrestling fan, because while the match was almost over before I finally got into it, I did get into it eventually. That’s pretty much how Mania should have gone…Cena could be almost interesting now if he had lost the belt and finally got pissed at the fans and started acting heel. But wow, what a non-event that show was otherwise.
