EVIL ROSE…IS SHE MY SISTER? Super Asia got me my birthday swag a bit late, but he came through with tha vidya games. One new, two used, but ultimately three more video games than I was expecting which is a sweet deal. The new game is Romance of the Three Kingdoms XI, and before anyone says anything it’s very different from X. You don’t increase farming by using the “farm” command, which was always stupid; you actually build farms and granaries and markets and barracks and things in the area around each city. But you also command a whole force instead of playing as one officer, so created officers mean a lot less and there’s no more skipping out on your city for months at a time to score duel wins over highwaymen or debate city guards or whatever. I’m not sure what I think of the game overall yet, but I do know I stink at it. The used games are Kessen II and Rumble Roses (as Sofa put it, “from the evk collection.) Haven’t played Kessen II yet, but it’s about the Three Kingdoms again (I believe Mike did not know this, though it’s a solid bet with a Koei game) and if the manual is any indication, it’s goofy as Hell. Cao Cao’s top officer is an evil sorceress, Diao Chan is Liu Bei’s lover and is troubled by magical vision of the future, Zhang Fei has three daughters who are all NINJAS, etc.
But yeah, the boldfaced title for this blog is a reference to Rumble Roses. I was, well, embarrassed when I saw it (Mike wasn’t present when I opened them, and hadn’t told me one of my gifts was soft porn) but it turned out to be a lot more fun than expected. It’s not an especially good wrestling game action-wise, but the graphics are pretty great (and they have to be, shitty graphics in a soft porn game pretty much defeat the purpose) and the story mode is fucking fantastic. Everyone I’ve played as so far eventually encounters an evil nurse in a goofy and revealing pink plastic-looking outfit who tries to trick them into becoming part of an evil lady cyborg wrestler that will allow this nurse wrestler to take over the world. Konami, I love you! I also like how turning ludicrously sweet and cute Reiko Hinomoto (whose older sister is basically Racer X, but called “Evil Rose,” who would be a great villain for the Tenth Doctor, but I digress) heel makes her magically become “Rowdy Reiko” who leads an unseen evil biker gang called “The Road Warriors” (!?!?) This game is either the best ever of the worst ever.
Ok, time for the show. Which will likely not involve an evil Mongolian girl who yells that all will be slaves to the Great Khan or whatever she’s called.
Let’s get straight to the man we all want to see, UNLIKE YOUR COACHES I DON’T FIX GAMES OR WHATEVER THAT BIG ITALIAN FOOTBALL SCANDAL WAS. What, you guys don’t follow Italian football scandals? Some coaches were fixing games and a bunch of teams got forced to sit out the season, and, well, it was really big news on the BBC World Service one morning. It got more coverage than their completely inaccurate and confused attempt to report on those TERRORIST Mooninite advertisements in Boston. Anyway, the only reason Coach is even here is to introduce VINCE IS A BALD. Vince comes out in his stupid hat and says some stupid stuff. He insults the fashion sense of the Milanese (wow, a real word, according to spell check) fans before saying: “By the way, just for the record, garlic is not an aphrodisiac…I didn’t think you’d catch that.” I hate it when he times a joke all wrong (he said it out of nowhere while in the middle of talking about something else) and then throws in “I didn’t think you’d catch that” to remind the TV audience just how much more clever he is than the live crowd that can barely hear him anyway. He puts on a blue skirt and diaphanous white blouse and waves a little wand and summons SAMOA HATES ITALY GRRRR (w/CUBA TOO, PRETTY MUCH. I MEAN HATES ITALY, NOT IS HATED BY SAMOA.) I love it when my nicknames end up as a meandering stream of consciousness. JR, on Umaga: “Speaking of non-aphrodisiacs!” Fan sign: “LÜMAGA” and…a picture of a slug. Lü Maga always hangs out with his brother Lü Meng. Lü Meng being the only straight strategist Wu has. Zhou Yu is married to a (theoretically) hot babe and he’s still as gay as all get out. Vince tells us Italians smell bad (HEEEEEEEEEL) and introduces some footage of Lashley getting beaten down last week. Back to “live” “action” and Vince tells us Lashley isn’t here tonight, but Umaga wants some competition. The fans chant “you suck.” Vince: “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Anyway, open challenge, Intercontinental Title on the line. The cameras dwell on the entryway. I’d actually mark out for Khali, just this once, if he came out. Instead, nothing, so Vince opens the challenge up to anyone in the crowd. HAHAHA, Vince says “what about that kid in the red and white striped shirt?” and the camera spots like an eight-year-old kid in such a shirt, who proceeds to hide behind his Dad. Finally, some Italian plant (presumably oregano) is selected. Making his big WV return after disappearing mysteriously after whichever CYOA he was in, it’s STEREOTYPICAL ITALIAN GUY. Vince: “Do you understand English?” Italian Guy: “Sì!” Hahaha. That gets a big pop. The crowd is now doing weird football chants. Vince: “What does that mean!? *PAUSE* SHUT UP!!!” Haha, he’s a lot more bearable when the crowd is really fired-up. Vince explains to the Italian guy that this match is being held under a “hold harmless agreement.” Vince: “That means if Umaga destroys you, if he breaks your arm, your leg, if he gives you a concussion, you can’t sue me!” *waves hand in front of face* YOU CAN’T SUE ME! We finally learn the guy’s name, Santino Marella. Tattaglia's a pimp, he never could've out-fought Santino but I didn't know until this day that it was Barzini all along. Sorry. Anyway, big “Santino” chant, and uh, any doubts this guy is working for WWE are removed when he takes off his shirt and we see his build and his Groothiusesque wrestler-wannabe tattoos. The bell rings. Santino charges in with punches, gets belly-bounced into the corner, but evades and does spastic kicks and punches. He dodges another charge and gets a ruthless rollup for 2. The crowd is going nuts. Nuts used to make Frangelico. I’m an idiot. Vince invades with a mic and announces this is now a no-holds barred match. Oh, you idiot. For some reason Estrada slaps Santino, but Santino slaps him back. This allows Umaga to sneak attack. Umaga slams him and stuff, and now Estrada is slapping Santino. Umaga with a strolling fatty-splash. Pulling him over into the corner…Vaderbomb! At least he didn’t beat his sister to trick him into driving into an ambush at a toll-booth. Godfather again. Umaga goes up top, but BEING MADE OF WOOD I FLOATED MYSELF ACROSS THE OCEAN TO GET HERE runs in and throws him off the top. So Lashley is revealed to secretly be here less than ten minutes after Vince said he wasn’t. Huh. Lashley beats Umaga down some, and then Vince comes in with a chair, but Bobby sees him. Vince tries to use it anyway, but Lashley grabs it from him. Vince uses weapons like a Rumble Rose character (stands around for a second, then loses it the instant he tries to use it.) Lashley kills Umaga with the chair a few times, then swoop sentence terminates him. Then he puts Santino on top, and…the ref counts 3! New intercontinental champion! Well, that’s one way to win over a crowd. Todd Grisham announces Santino as the new champion. Hmm…they had a chyron with his name on it awfully quickly.
Commercials. Playing video games gives you magical powers. At least Gamefly says it does.
Replays of stuff. JR: “Imposing his massive physical will!”
KING NOT SLENDER (HA!) is Lawler, who…isn’t that fat, really. He’s in the ring with a mic. He tries to interview Lashley, who has the decency to tell him to interview the new IC Champion. Santino talks some Italian. “Grazie Bobby, Grazie WWE!” He loves Double Double E! Yeah, where the fuck is Kazlov? I want to hear his scary Ruskie music too!
A NEW PARLIAMENT EVERY FOUR WEEKS? DAT’S COOL is preparing backstage when THE BIGGEST NECROPHILE SINCE KANE RAPED KATIE VICK invades. Why that nickname for Ric? Ric: “How about Milan, how about the women over here brother!” Carlito: “They’re nice.” Ric: “And they’re live, they’re more than nice!” He doesn’t prefer dead chicks, he just takes whatever is available. Anyway, Carlito is thinking about ending their team, because he feels he let Ric down last week. Ric tries to be positive. Upbeat senility.
Commercials. New to USA Network, repeats of House in the house! You see what I did there?
YOUR SHOES COST MORE THAN OUR SHOES is quite an odd nickname for Flair and Carlito. And Torrie, musn’t forget Torrie. This week they face WE GUARENTEE TASTIER TOMATOES. How are the WGTT now lower on the totem pole than Cade and Murdoch? And who do Flair and Carlito job to next, the Highlanders? Shelton and Carlito start. Carlito does shoulderblocks and runny aroundy whoop-de-doo. Armdrags. Charlie runs in and gets armdragged. Scoop slams for everyone. Shelton tries a Stingar Splash with no set-up at all and Carlito evades. Carlito clotheslines Charlie to the floor. Everyone stands around for a moment. Tag to Charlie, tag to Flair. Haas backs Flair into the corner, but gets chopped for his troubles. Flair struts, and gets a chop-block. He wants the Figure-4 (really?) but Benjamin comes in and takes Flair down. Haas drags Flair over to the evil corner and tags in Shelton. Shelton tosses Flair around and gets a back body drop, per Flair’s contract. Tag to Haas, and Shelton stretches Flair out so Charlie can kick him in the ribs. Charlie stomps and drops elbows and stuff, and the crowd is insanely hot for everything. Tag to Shelton who punches, then tags in Haas. World’s Greatest Italians. Hey, in Milan, too. Maybe this is a tribute to the fans. Flair fights back and tags Carlito and Charlie tags Shelton. JR: “Where with it all!” Carlito totally spazzes out on Shelton with punches. Sending him to the ropes and kicking him to set up the running knee lift. Here’s a shot for Charlie, and a fancy springboard back elbow for Shelton. Charlie breaks up the cover, but Flair tosses him. Now the ref tussles with Flair as Carlito is running around…Haas trips Carlito from the floor, and Carlito stumbles right into the Exploder~!! The ref turns just in time to count 3 and give the WGTT the win. Who do Flair and Carlito job to next, the High…wait, I already said that. The WGTT celebrate like they just won the World and WWE titles at Mania (Haas is, as ever, more spastic and goofy) while Carlito gets sulky. He pushes Torrie and Ric away, boo.
Commercials. Horsemen DVD. Made from all the shit they kicked out of Sting.
We’re back to…footage of that dying kid making the main event for Backlash. Then, haha, AVE MARIA, THAT’S, UH, SORT OF ITALIAN, RIGHT? tries to interview LESS POPULAR THAN MUSSOLINI. That’s John Cena. If Tazz is reading this, pretend that nickname says “Less popular than Napoleon.” Before Cena can say anything (you’d barely be able to hear him over the boos) we get I THINK I’M CUTE, I KNOW I INTERUPT EVERY FUCKING INTERVIEW CENA EVER DOES interrupts. I don’t care what he says.
The Italian announcers are introduced. JR manages to be incredibly condescending as he says their names. Reminds me a bit of how Alex Trebek over enunciates when he’s speaking French. Lawler makes fun of Tazz. Then JR introduces clips of The Condemned, which is coming to “thee-ay-turs.” The guy I thought looked a little like Christopher Eccelston turns out to be the main villain.
Melina is backstage checking her hair. Johnny Nitro drops in and says “uhhh” a lot, and it’s funny. Then Eugene wanders by and doesn’t really do anything.
Commercials. That psychic guy gives Triple H sunscreen for the ten billionth time. Why didn’t this psychic asshole warn Triple H not to try to eat a boat with his knee? Not like I really want DX around, but…
Khali video package. It’s truly terrifying how he beat up Tommy Dreamer a million times, according to this package.
UHHH UHHH WAAANT BRAAAAAINS would be Nitro if he was undead. His opponent is GAIUS BALDTARD. Hahaha, I’m the best. Nitro beats up Eugene some. At some point he goes up top and sort of rides Eugene’s face down to the mat with Nitro’s own shin. JR: “That canvas has not got any marinara sauce on it!” Taking a picture with his imaginary camera, going for the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody, and…that wins it. Barely a minute long. Eugene never got his green-slime-stained jacket off.
Here’s a montage of, uh, Italian mannequins. Up next, Diva Fashion Show.
Commercials. Quizno’s calls Subway “Wrong Way.” You see what they did there?
DIVA FASHION SHOW. Yeah, no nickname, this doesn’t deserve one. All the RAW chicks wear, uh, clothes. Victoria “comically” breaks a heel and takes off her shoes and tries to walk as masculinely as she can so at least one person is heel. Her music mentions a “locksmith.” Perhaps she is the slutty apple that broke the masterlock. Mickie, and, uh, I don’t care. Eventually Torrie wins because the crowd is stupid. Melina attacks, but she and Victoria get tossed by the faces. It took forever.
Commercials. I’m a little lad who loves berries and cream.
GAY (w/LESS GAY) is here. The Italians love Hardyz. For some reason. His opponent is FILTHY (w/MORE FILTHY.) King thinks the Italians won’t be able to relate to Lance Cade, because Jerry Lawler thinks Sergio Leone was from Arkansas. JR complains that Cade is from Tennessee and is making the “hook em’ horns” sign. I think that means he’s selling. Cade backs Jeff into a corner (by asking him, point blank, if he likes boys or girls.) Cade kicks. Clubbering. I could be playing through story mode with the evil nurse in the ludicrous latex outfit right now. Jeff is acting like this match has been going on for half an hour after like three clubbers. Eventually he gets Whyspyr yn thy Wynd and a fancy legdrop for 2. Jeff goes up, but Lance rolls away before Jeff can even jump. Jeff chases him out, throws him back in, and follows in to get kneed. They…do stuff, and Cade tosses Jeff. Murdoch tries to cheat, but the Italian refs are apparently a lot sharper than American refs because he cuts it off. Is the crowd chanting “Let’s go Matt?” Jeff prevents some Murdoch cheatery, but gets big booted by Cade anyway. Stomping. Murdoch cheats a bit more. More clubbering by Cade. JR keeps saying “Matt” when he means “Jeff,”and vice-versa. More things happen. Jeff fights back with the ELUM kick. Jeff charges right into a back elbow, then rests in the ropes for a bit. Licking his lips grossly. Snap-mare, and shockingly, that does not get 3. Haha, Cade is now yelling at the ref, because he totally expected to win with a snap-mare. Papa Shango by Cade, and Jeff does his goofy sit-out jawbreaker. Clotheslines by Jeff. Some fancy headlock takedown. Jeff goes up top as Matt and Cade start brawling. Swanton…hit knees!? I guess Jeff was supposed to be distracted by the brawling on the floor, but he didn’t seem to notice. Clothesline From Heck by Cade…wins? Wow. I’m totally stocked for Backlash after this upset.
Shut up about the Condemned.
Commercials. These anti-smoking ads really make me want to smoke more than I do, which is none. It’s a good thing RAW doesn’t have a bunch of anti-drinking ads.
MASTER ON THE MIC time. Masters: “You know, Italy here is known for its great works of art, by man (ha) as DaVinci, Bootachelli (that’s how he said it,) Michelangelo…” ALL THESE MEXICAN FLAGS ARE MISSING THE EAGLE is here to end the interview pain. He attacks spastically, but Masters clubbers him down. Crazy comes back with jumpity stuff. Masters bails, but Supes gives him a no-hands plancha. Supes runs around and celebrates the fact that the crowd actuall seems to like him. Back in the ring, and Masters evades a top-rope moonsault. No one mentions bumblebees. Masters stomps. Lawler claims Masters spent the evening standing on a street corner posing like a statue. Masters whips Supes into the corner and then…uh, covers for 2. Crazy kicks and punches back. The crowd has lost interest. Supes wants a crucifix, but Masters just sort of falls back on him. Masters covers for 2. JR says Super Crazy has “recuperative powers.” Masters knees Supes in the back a few times, then applies the dreaded ninja chokeout. The crowd starts chanting for Supes, who fights his way out of the hold, but runs into a back body drop. Masters stands around. JR: “Masters showing some intensity tonight. And Masters, well, Masters doesn’t do well when he’s booed.” Uh, he’s always booed. Masters with a can-opener neck crank. Lawler asks JR if he would “like a body” like Masters. FOR SEX. JR discusses Masters’ thighs as Supes fights back with low dropkicks, standing moonsaults, and other crazily Mexican moves. Ubercontrived bulldog attempt, but Masters turns it into a wheelbarrow suplex…for 3. Ok, whatever.
Commercials. S&K Menswear. Much less creepy than S&M Menswear.
Earlier tonight, victory for an Italian plant.
We run down the entire Backlash card. It takes forever despite nothing interesting being scheduled at Backlash.
RATED BSB (FOR BLAH SNOOZE BORING, THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT) chat. They’re BFF again. Or at least, both guys tell the other guy that while cleverly scheming against each other. Those clever little scheming so-and-sos.
Commercials. More anti-smoking stuff.
RATED AGN (FOR ALREADY GOT NICKNAMES) have their awful combined music back. Next week, RAW comes from London. I hope they never come back to America. Scratch that, it’s always fun when they’re in smarky Manhattan and everyone boos Cena out of the building. Speaking of which, EVERYONE IS BOOING ME OUT OF THE BUILDING is soundly booed. He seems pretty irritated. JR gives us the old “whether you love him or hate him” spiel. Lawler: “The young guys for some reason are not that enamored with John.” Edge and Cena start, and Edge clubber Cena down. Cena reverses an Italian whip, and gives Edge an imperfectplex off the turnbuckle rebound. Cena with headlocks, armwringing, and ruthless roll-ups. “Cena sucks” chant as Edge forces Cena into the corner and clubbers. Tag to Orton, who punches. At least Cena’s character is a stupid dink, whereas with Orton you get the impression he really is a jerk in real life. Cena fights back after Orton stands around too long between clubbers. Cena Papa Shangos and Orton kicks him in the face. Orton yells for the crowd to stop chanting, though I think it was a pro-Orton chant. Orton stomps and stands. Cena punches back, and gets booed. Edge in off a blind tag. Cena gets big booted by Orton, Edge drops an elbow, and we go to break.
Commercials. An evil heel handicap heatfest really feels odd when the crowd is on their side.
We’re back, and Edge is punching Cena. Edge knocks Cena off the apron into the Italian announce table, then haha, he dances around and basks in cheers. Orton heads outside to press-slam Cena across the Italian announce table. He tosses Cena back in, and…does the bunches o’ punches. Did he tag in at some point? Eh. Edge is tagged in. Cena punches back a bit, but runs into a big boot. I’m gonna turn on the PS2 so it’s fully spun-up when this ends. Tag to Orton. He attax. JR: “About a zillion right hands!” Tag to Edge. Both heels taking their time. Cena goes for an F-U out of nowhere, but Edge slips out and does the Edge-o-matic. Haven’t seen that in a while. The crowd does football chants in time with Edge’s punches. The crowd reminds us that Cena sucks. Edge puts Cena up top and wants a superplex, but Cena fights back. Edge is knocked off the top, and Cena does a top-rope legdrop across the back of his head as he rises. Orton runs in to attax. I THINK I’M BELLISSIMO, I KNOW I’M AL DENTE shows up because he always shows up. Edge has a chair, but the ref gets on him. HBK does a low-bridge as Orton is running around, and Orton falls outside. Cena does his regular crap. YCSM (to boos,) FKS. JR: “Cena instinctively hitting the Five Knuckle Shuffle!” Going for the F-U, but Orton is in and breaks it up. The ref gets bumped as Cena drops Edge. The crowd chants for HBK. Orton gets knocked dead at some point, as now Edge is up stalking Cena but will obviously spear Orton by mistake. And…he does. Now HBK goes to superkick Cena, but gets Edge. Cena F-U’s HBK, then covers Edge, and…wins. The crowd is not into that. Haha, the camera finds a woman who is cheering, but there’s a guy booing right next to her. The Cena fan section has one member. Here’s replays of all the stupid missed finishers.
Final Thoughts: You can usually count on the unspoiled foreign fans who get like one show a year to cheer for the faces. Huh. Anyway, man, having the crowd against the babyface underdog sure made that main feel weird. Weird and boring.
