Lil’ Bro was visiting this week, which is part of why this is late. We’d rather play a four year old wrestling game than watch the current product. Sean O’Haire, Rico, those were the days.
I got some audio books I ordered of old missing Doctor Who episodes with the original soundtrack (only the visual tracks are missing) and linking narration. It’s not as obsessive/compulsive a purchase as you might think, as I have a murderously long commute during the week and local radio sucks. So far, my favorite smattering of dialogue comes from Zoe’s debut story, “The Wheel in Space.”
(The Doctor discovers a clever way to save everyone from the Cybermen)
Zoe: That’s a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that?
Jamie: Yeah, why didn’t you think of that? I thought you knew everything!
Zoe: At least you didn’t think of it first. That would have been awful.
Tonight, Randy Orton vs HBK in a special “#1 Contender” and “This Match Has Happened A Billion Times” match. BLING BLING CHING CHING CHONG CHONG is Shane McMahon, not, like, Chinese Shane McMahon or anything. I think I’ll have Chinese food for lunch tomorrow. I was actually sort of interested to see Shane watching this “live” but the first half of this rebeak is from tape, so I know better than to care now. Shane uses the word “garnered” in a way I’m pretty sure defies the laws of grammar. He complains that no one takes the McMahon’s seriously because Vince was shaved bald. All the pants-pooping was no problem, of course. Shane talks about “the McMahon dynasty.” It was during the early part of the 21st century that the McMahon dynasty fell, ushering in a new era of chaos… Shane says he’s fourth generation, and his kids are fifth, so…I’m missing some ancient McMahon by my count. Shane calls Lashley out to the ring, and here comes THE ECW CHAMPION WILL UNIFY THE LAND AND BRING PEACE AND VIRTUE TO THE ECW. Shane says he’s gonna steal Lashley’s dignity by taking the ECW title from him. TONIGHT, Bobby Lashley versus…Shane McMahon. They go NOSE TO NOSE! MENG HUO and SOME GENERIC NANMAN STRATEGIST try to invade, but Shane runs out to the aisle and starts yelling that he’s gonna take care of this on his own. Then he SLAPS Estrada to drive the point home, and the island contingent backs off. Lashley fails to gain any respect for Shane, and tries to book this match as title versus hair. Shane goes all “I make the rules, not you,” but then agrees to the stipulation anyway. Shane’s music plays because he is THE WINNER OF THIS TALKING SEGMENT.
Commercials. Evil Cop from House and that one Bruce Willis movie is going to be playing evil cops forever, if this Disturbia ad is to be believed. Wait, is he a cop in this?
Enough, Foley.
HEEL ASS is out for a diva tag match. The Cubs Fan has been talking about how overrated she is, and it just served to show me how little one of the divas has to do in the ring to get people all hopped up about her wrestling ability. You see, I didn’t realize people were into her workrate before it was pointed out to me. Really, is there a finisher anywhere where the victim is more blatantly doing all the work than in Mickie’s super deluxe DDT? Eh. FilmCans likes her ass, so he for one is judging the divas by the actual proper criteria. Hahaha, big ol’ “Mickie James Sucks” sign in the front row. We get some video of Mickie attacking Melina last week. There’s a replay of the DDT, which suddenly doesn’t look so bad. Maybe it’s only when Victoria sells it and feels obligated to hold Mickie up like she’s going to counter for several seconds. Mickie will be teaming with WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES STOLE MY WAND? Here comes I AIN’T THE LADY TO HIT WITH YOUR DDT BECAUSE IT ENDS UP LOOKING REALLY FAKEY. And last but not least is WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES STOLE MY NON-BARBARIAN BOOTIES? She does her regular entrance, and haha, Victoria is hopping around comically holding her crotch like just watching that entrance hurt her. Melina starts with Candice, but Melina wants Mickie. So, Candice, after pointless stalling, tags in Mickie. Melina ambushes Mickie as she goes through the ropes, but Mickie overpowers her. Snap-mare, low drop kick, and now…Mickie tags in Candice. Candice comes off the top with a double axehandle. Candice sort of wraps Melina’s arm in a hammerlock and rams her into the apron. Candice with, uh…I guess it’s sort of like the Tarantula, in that she’s hanging in the ropes on the apron and has Melina tied up on the ropes in the ring. The difference is I don’t see how this is hurting Melina, other than sort of tugging at the back of her head. Victoria breaks it up by casually strolling across the apron and kicking Candice across her exposed midsection. JR thinks it was a cheap-shot, because he is as stupid as Candice. Victoria gets tagged in, sends Candice in after some trash-talk, and covers for 2 a few times. Lawler: “Speaking of backs, would you shave your back for Candice Michelle?” JR: “I beg your pardon?” Tag to Melina, and Victoria ties Candice up in the Tree of Woe You Dance Stupidly. But wow…Victoria pulls on Candice’s hair to get her into something akin to Beverlyizer position, and then Melina gets a running start, leapfrogs Victoria and crotch attacks (aka Dangerous Dannys) Candice. As stupid as all the made-up move names I used to describe it were, that looked pretty cool. Melina with a suplex. Then she slowly rolls over to cover. JR: “Float-over!” Melina does a sort of bow-and-arrow. Why did Mickie ever tag in Candice? Melina slams Candice’s face across Victoria’s knee, then tags in Victoria. Victoria misses a slingshot butt splash, and Candice tags in Mickie. Mickie does clotheslines and elbows and stuff. Victoria reverses a whip, but charges into an elbow. Big ol’ rana by Mickie. Melina runs in, but gets attaxed. Mickie does a hangwoman’s neckbreaker on Victoria. Melina tries to full nelson Mickie, but Candice breaks it up by coming in with her own version of Viscera’s famous “fall over sideways and stick your foot out” flying kick. Mickie does her big DDT (and yes, Victoria holds her up for a good, long time) to get the win. Melina holds up her belt at Mickie as if to say “You will never be able to keep your pants up without this, BITCH!”
Cutting Edge graphic, with special guest Cena. It didn’t happen, for all intents and purposes.
Here’s footage of Vince getting shaved. Does this razor go…downtown?
You KNOW Razor Ramon Hard Gay goes downtown.
BUY THE BOOK BUY THE BOOK BUY THE BOOK is leading around SOME DYING KID from the Make a Wish Foundation. He gets to be RAW General Manager for a day, apparently. Why didn’t he wish for more wishes? Stupid kid. He gets to meet the team of I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GONNA KILL YA ZOE. Both of them. Robbie: “I’m Robbie!” To rhyme with “Please remember my catchphrase!” Foley says he can book them in a title match, or a zany stipulation match (both ideas cause the Highlanders to smile) or shave their beards (which causes them to flee. Wah wah waaaaaaah. Imagine if he suggested the kid send them to OVW!) Now NO NICKNAME FOR MARIA shows up in an awful outfit that gets no description. Then Foley points him at the camera and tries to get him to do a cheap local pop, but the kid isn’t exactly ready for prime time.
AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS DEATH’S EMBRACE AWAY are Flair and Carlito. And Torrie, but who cares? Carlito has THE STICK. He reminisces about Flair not thinking Carlito had passion, and how this woke him up. Carlito: “You’re very choosy, and picky, about who you associate yourself with.” The guy used to hang out with Steve “Mongo” McMichaels. It’s all a big excuse to show footage from the new Horsemen DVD set. “My shoes cost more than your house” is still a fantastic line. Carlito says that when they win this top tag contenders match tonight, they’ll go on to get gold at Backlash. Which is cool, apparently. But here comes the opposition, OUR BOOTS COST MORE THAN OUR CARDBOARD HOUSE. Cade and Murdoch. Sure, why not go to break now?
Commercials. You guys mind if I skip HBK vs Orton? Every time any combination of Michaels, Orton, Edge and Cena fight on RAW, I feel this overwhelming urge to tune out and find out what the non-finish was later.
We’re back, and Flair is chopping Cade. Cade takes over with a flying clothesline. He tags in Murdoch to drop some elbows and throw some punches. Murdoch yells at the ref, then goes back to brawling with Flair. Tag to Cade for punchings. Tag to Murdoch. Full Blooded Rednecks. Murdoch with a back suplex. Can-opener neck-crank by Murdoch. Shades of Fat Fatry. Flair fights out and chops and stuff, by Murdoch drop toe-holds him. Haha, what the fuck, Cade comes in and misses an elbow, and then Murdoch comes in and misses one too! Flair tags in Carlito to do his thing. Back body drop for somebody, dropkick for somebody. Running kneelift for Murdoch, clothesline, and a cover is broken up by Murdoch. Cade tosses Flair, then shoves Murdoch out of the path of Carlito’s springboard fancy attack. Both stalking Carlito…SWEET AND SOUR! I THINK! Cade knocks Flair back to the floor as Murdoch covers…for 3!? Lawler: “What the heck!?” Yeah, my thoughts exactly. I guess the split is on. If only the Spirit Squad was here to defeat Flair and Carlito. Flair goes to check on Carlito, who shoves him off and leaves with Torrie. To boos.
Commercials. Hardee’s: the restaurant for people who like eating paper.
The Condemned. A serious comment on violence in our society, I’m sure.
Shane gads about in his dressing room. Coach comes in, and Shane is mean to him for no reason. THE APPLE DON’T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE, KING!
Todd Grisham is interviewing HBK. I would shy away from that if I were him. HBK is not “the sharpest tack in the bunch,” he says. He’s back to wearing super gay gear with little mirrors suspended from a dog collar. Orton invades because none of these guys can just talk without everyone coming in and adding a bunch of nothing. HBK says Orton has just won a new set of “gentures.” Ok then.
Commercials. Yeah, I think I am gonna skip this.
Now it’s time for HRBKKO. They fight for a while. It’s not bad, because as sick as I am of HBK, he can still carry Orton to something watchable. Certainly by RAW middle main event standards. They fought and fought and we took a break.
Commercials. Probably involving that body spray skank.
When we came back, or possibly before, ON THIS DAY, I SEE CLEARLY, THAT I MUST INTERFERE IN EVERY ORTON MATCH started interfering. The endgame came with Orton giving HBK an RKO on the floor, pitching HBK back inside, but then getting distracted by Edge and trying to attax. Edge evades whatever, gave him a really short-range spear that just didn’t seem to be a finisher so much as a takedown, and rolled him back in. HBK ended up superkicking Orton in such a way that Orton fell down, shoulders down, and HBK fell on top of him, but HBK’s back was arched like a sex-starved chick in a rap video, so HBK managed to be on top of Orton but also had his (HBK’s) shoulders down. For some reason we had two refs out by now, and one guy counted Orton’s shoulders down and the other counted HBK’s shoulders down EVEN THOUGH NO PART OF ORTON WAS COVERING HBK. So each ref declares a different winner even though there is NO WAY ORTON WON. I’m not mad that HBK was screwed or anything, it was just a really fucking stupid way to book a non-finish.
Commercials. If just having your shoulders down for 3 means you lose, every naptime spot ever should end with two refs each declaring a different guy the winner.
We’re back. JR: “Bobby Lashley threw down the gauntlet to Shane McMahon’s hair!” Lashley versus Shane’s hair, TONIGHT!
Orton goes to talk to Shane, who tells him he has his own problems. Randy: “I’m sorry, man.” I don’t know why but I found that hilarious.
Foley introduces the little dying kid to YOU ARE SUPER, YOU ARE DYING, YOU ARE SUPER DYING!, THE SAD THING IS YOU WILL NEVER BE OLD ENOUGH TO SEE ONE OF MY FICTIONAL PORNOS (not Gail Kim,) DON’T BE SAD LITTLE WHITE KID *STEALS KID’S AZT TO SELL ON BLACK AFRICAN AMERICAN MARKET, and YOU CAN BE AN HONORARY MEMBER OF MNM, REPLACING THE MIZ. Nitro totally disses the kid, awesome. I TOO AM GENERAL MANAGER FOR A DAY also invades. Coachman: “You’re lookin’ at the real thing, son.” WOW, YOU’RE DYING HUH, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT’S LIKE BUT I HEAR IT’S NOT THAT GREAT invades. Edge: “Wassup, kid.” Foley and the kid have to tell Coachman something, but Coach leaves. Wow, Coachman booked to get beat up, that will be a real shock when it’s revealed.
Commercials. Quit stealing our women, non-pot-smoking aliens.
Our Skanky Chick From Red Line of Week is the second tag team rumble last night.
WANTED: SOMEONE TO BE NANCY DREW will be wrestling Cade and Murdoch at Backlash, we’re reminded. EXCITEMENT. WACKY GOPHERS TERRORIZE TENNESSEE are out. WGTT. RAW is from Italy next week? JR: “Are you brushing up on your Italian?” Lawler: “How do you say ‘yes’ in Italian?” Haha, that was actually sort of funny. Haas and Matt start. Maat. Matt does stuff and tags in Jeff. They do stuff. Double elbow drops and a double clothesline and stuff. Jeff goes up top early, but Shelton comes in a flying fancykicks him down. Matt attacks Shelton, but Haas is still able to take over on Jeff. Punches and stuff. A cover for 2. Haas clubbers away. Adopting that WWE style. Tag to Shelton, who jukes and jives a whole lot between blows. Snap-mare into a ninja chokeout. Lawler compliments the flying fancy kick by Shelton again. JR: “That was freaky!” Shelton catches a kick but eats the ELUM kick, which is stupid since he’s all about tricking people into eating the Money Clip. Matt gets tagged in. I get distracted for a minute and miss how Matt beats up all of the WGTT. Side-Effect for somebody. Haas gets taased. Poetry in Motion, Twist of Fate, and a Swanton in rapid succession for Shelton. That gets 3. JR: “He of rainbow hair!”
Edge walks around backstage. His T-shirt features a SCARY CLOWN OOOOOH.
Commercials. Corpse Investigation Show #36. Characters Welcome.
The Condemned. A movie condemned to go to DVD like three days after it leaves theaters.
I’M MISTER CAGE, THAT’S MY NAME THAT NAME AGAIN IS MISTER CAGE is out. According to this fan’s sign, he sucks. He says he spoke to Coach and he is now numbar one contendar omg. JUNIOR COWBOY (the classics never die, especially when I’m stuck for a nickname) invades and kicks Edge out of the ring and says he spoke to Coach and he is numbar one contendar omg. HITLER’S BRAIN KNOWS (what’s with the awful anagrams?) invades. He wants to fight Cena. Shit, they’ve just gone back to the first RAW after Triple H got hurt. THE HAMP IS CHEER invades. He starts making penis jokes. HBK does “talk talk talk” hand motions. Cena tells us the last time he fought Edge was in Edge’s specialty, a ladder match, in Toronto, and Cena still won. Now Cena addresses Mr. Orton. He says he doesn’t duck anybody. He prefers the “constant dodge left” technique against Super Macho Man. As this drags on, the boos for Cena are gradually drowning out the cheers. Cena is also willing to fight HBK because Cena is all tough. IS HE A COACH OR IS HE A MAN, NO ONE TRULY KNOWS invades. Is that little kid going to attack? Coach…pauses when the crowd isn’t really booing to encourage them to boo. Coach books Cena versus Orton and Edge in a 2-on-1 handicap match at Backlash. Whoever gets the pinfall wins the title. So…how is it not a Triple Threat Match? I guess in that Edge and Orton can’t pin each other, but that’s so transparently begging HBK to win it isn’t funny. FUCK YOU WINSTON CHURCHILL FUCK YOUR STUPID FAT ASS invades, and summons THAT LITTLE KID WITH AUTOMATIC DEATH DISEASE. The kid gets a pretty good pop, but his theme music (“I just wanna be loooooved”) sucks. Maybe I should lighten up on the kid, though really, I can’t be very high on his list of problems. Foley gets a cheap pop. He books a new Backlash main event. Little kid: “The new main event for Backlash will be, John Cena (crowd: boo) versus Randy Orton (crowd: boo) versus Edge (crowd: eh) versus Shawn Michaels (crowd: still pretty eh) for the WWE championship!” And…we go straight to the announcers scrambling to cover for how little the crowd is reacting.
Commercials. Shane McMahon bumping around like crazy can save any show, but he hasn’t done that since before getting married and having kids that I recall, and there’s about forty seconds left for the main event.
ECW Man announces the participants for our main event. First out is SUGAR SHANE MCMAHON, and then ECW CHAMPION JUST MOVE ME TO RAW AND BE DONE WITH IT because tradition rules. The ECW’s boring, old-fashioned, non-spinny belt is on the line. There’s like, three minutes left. Shane spears Lashley through the ropes to start. But on the floor, Shane is immediately scooped up to be rammed into the corner post, but Shane slips out and Lashley eats post. Shane goes back in and baseball slide dropkicks Lashley. Shane sorta pounces Lashley into the steps. Tossing Lashley back in and covering for 2. Shane stomps and punches away. This is fucking pathetic, the bad-ass monster ECW champion is selling for Shane McMahon? Shane stops to dance, and then charges in and a big ol’ belly to belly suplex. There’s some more. Shane uses the ref to pull himself up, then…clocks Chioda intentionally. Lashley stomps Shane down as the bell rings. So…did Shane just DQ himself out of hair? UMAGA, ESTRADA, AND VINCAGA invade. At first Lashley fights Umaga off, but Vince distracts Lashley and Umaga takes over while he’s distracted. Repeated Face Full of Pois. Faces Full of Poi. Vince gets a chair, passes it to Shane, and Shane kills Lashley. JR: “A bile, uncaring, uncomfortable steel chair shot!” What? Lashley gets stomped down some more. By the evil Samoan Corporation. Vince yells at Lashley some. He books Lashley vs Umaga and Shane and Vince. For the ECW Title, somehow. Backlash sure is going to be horrible. Samoan Spike. “Boring” chant. Are we in Smarksylvannia? JR: “Lashley, we gotta write his effigy! Lashley is done!” Killed by a third-rate beatdown.
Final Thoughts: I got a decent chunk done live so finishing it up late in the week wasn’t too much of a chore, especially when I gave myself a pass on the three-segment-long HBK/Orton match. I’ve gotten to the point where I assume RAW will stink and my final thoughts just reflect how convenient it was to rebeak that week. But as for the show, well, it really is amazing how absolutely no storylines have progressed since Mania. Vince going from feuding with Lashley because he got shaved from feuding with Lashley because he was obviously going to get shaved doesn’t count, to me.
