This is from Dayton Ohio more like more like GAYTON. If only Goldberg and Horowitz were booked to appear tonight as a tag-team. They could be “The Jews From Dayton.”
THE CHAYAMP IS HEEEE-ATED is out, to a lot of boos. He tries to wait them out before saying “The champ is here.” YOU WEREN’T AS BAD AS HOGAN invades. HBK says that he would normally come out after losing a big match and congratulate the other guy for being the better man, but not this time. Because John Cena is not the better man. HEEL. Cena asks if he wants to fight about it, and HBK is ok with that. HOW COME STARFIRE WASN’T THE STAR OF THE LAST TEEN TITANS SEASON? invades and says they don’t get to fight. Boo. Instead, they must defend their tag titles. In…a ten team, 20-man battle royal. That’s stupid. The first team, because, uh, this is going to be one team at a time, is KING BOOKER AND A MEMBER OF WHAT I LIKE TO CALL HIS ROYAL COURT, SO TO SPEAK. Oh, nevermind, it’s just that some of the teams are getting introductions, as ALWAYS FACE MECCA WHEN GETTING BAKED are next. And…let’s go to break.
Commercials. Gatorade more like more like GAYTORADE.
We’re back, and everyone in the world is in the ring. The first team out is NO ONE CAN BREAK THE SPIRIT LOCK which is my stupid name for the stupid team of Masters and Dykestra. They lose when Dykestra is tossed. Who all is in there…THE EDUCATION EXPERIENCE (Burke and Striker,) THOSE FIFTIES GUYS (more like more like those fifties GAYS,) ACH ZOE ONE MORE WORD AND I’LL PUT YA OVER ME KNEE AND LARRUP YA (the Highlanders,) HEY CHECK IT OUT THE CUBS FAN WE’RE FINALLY GETTING OUR TITLE SHOT (Cryme Tyme) and THE CONTINUITY CONNECTION (“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Eugene, the guy who brutally beat him down a few weeks ago thus turning heel.) Coming up with nicknames for everybody (even if they suck) already has me tuckered out. But wait…uh…that’s only nine teams, not ten! JTG gets tossed by somebody, so Shad can blame JTG for their failure (even if that’s a wacky switcheroo on reality.) Robbie beats HBK down in the corner, which is great. The Highlanders are my favorite nowhere team. Elijah Burke sets Eugene on the top turnbuckle and awesomely sends him out with some fancy flying kick. All smiles is the former manbear-handler, but Duggan attacks (cheater.) Deuce is trapped on the apron, but manages to hang on and toss a Highlander. They don’t look the same but I wasn’t really watching. The ECW New Breeders try to toss HBK, but yeah right. Deuce and Domino do some doubleteaming on HBK, but Cena suddenly exists and FU’s one of them to the floor. Finlay attaxors Cena, then tosses Striker. Burke stands around looking frustrated, but takes a minute to tie Sabu up so King is free to toss RVD. A replay shows RVD was going for some fancy springboard shit and Booker just shoved him out, sweet. Finlay and the Book doubleteam Cena, but he fights back with shitty punches. Lawler says he’s amazed that this sell-out crowd was booing Cena, and are now cheering for him (Cena is getting a spattering of cheers as he fights off two of the most over heels on any brand, hoorah.) Evil eventually takes back over, but get stupid and try the old full-nelson clothesline bit, and end up killing each other. Finlay sent to the apron by Cena, he holds on, and HBK sweet chin music’s right over Cena’s head to eliminate Finlay. Cena seems to be thinking that was meant for him. Coach reappears, and tells the champs they were victorious in “part one” of the title defense. And…we get ANOTHER ten team battle royal? Make that a ten team battle royal to act as a sequel to the nine team battle royal we’d just had. Blarg. TEAM XTREEMLY UNSUCCESSFUL SINGLES WRESTLERS are first, and we’re going to go to break and skip the jobber teams.
Commercials. Why does Coach give a shit who has the RAW tag titles anyway? Why are Cena and HBK even trying to hold on if they hate each other and don’t care about the titles? And what about Scarecrow’s brain?
THE JOKER AND THE THIEF OMG CYLONS (London and Kendrick in a reaaaal stretch, I’m talking about the jester masks) are getting their entrance as we come back. Already in the ring are the champs and the Hardyz as well as MI5 (Regal and Taylor,) THE MIRACLE JOBBER CONNECTION (Cade and Murdoch,) SEXY SEXY JOBBERS, SO SEXY (Val and Vis,) THE IS NO GARLIC ON THE SERENGETI (Cor Van and Thorne,) THRACE COUNT (Chavo and Helms,) OFF TO NEVER NEVER (WIN) LAND (Sandman and Dreamer,) and MNM MIZ NITRO MELINA. Miz and Nitro…ugh. For some reason the very sight of Dave Taylor’s pasty backside and his shiny blue onesie makes me smile. Melina is at ringside, but not Ariel? RACISM. Unless that’s Ariel, you can’t see her very well. Everyone stupidly tries to toss Viscera before realizing it’s easier to toss Val, which they then do. We get a shot of Regal writing in pain on the floor, and a replay of him being tossed by Dreamer. Lawler: “There’s how Steven Regal was eliminated!” JR: “That would be William Regal to you.” Lawler: “What did I…call him? I called him Regal…” More guys fight each other. Chabo and Helms (haha, Chabo) try to toss Cena, but yeah right. Dreamer gets eliminated by Trevor Murdoch, because Tommy Dreamer is a bigger jobber than Trevor Murdoch. Sure, let’s take another break.
Commercials. Subway subs can improve your b-ball skills, ninja.
We’re back, and Nitro and Miz are trying to toss Cena, but HBK superkicks Nitro out. Cena figures that means they’re cool, but then HBK tosses Cena, does a DX chop, and leaves. SO WHY DIDN’T HE DO THAT BEFORE!? The crowd is finally standing by Cena a bit, because that was a total dick move by HBK. London with a delayed mushroom stomp on Helms (JR: “Innovative move!”) but he runs into a dropkick by Chavo. Chavo wants to powerbomb Kendrick out, but Kendrick turns it into a rana that takes them both out. We’re down to Cade and Murdoch versus the Hardyz, and boy, the suspense is killing me. Cade does a flying clothesline on Matt as Jeff pounds away on Travor. Now Jeff beats down Cade as Matt beats on Murdoch. The Hardyz want to toss Cade, but Murdoch saves. Murdoch charges into a corner boot by Matt, but Cade comes over for spastic clubbering. Hurry up and job, Cade and Murdoch. Cade with an inverted atomic drop on Jeff, then holds him for a big boot from Murdoch. Is that the Sweet and Sour? It gets a replay, anyway. They try to toss Jeff, but Matt saves. Clothesline for Cade, Side-Effect (called by JR!) for Murdoch. Neckbreaker for Cade. Going up…Yodelling Legdrop, and Jeff is up for the Swanton…no, Jeff does a Yodelling Legdrop too. Jeff tries to toss Murdoch, Murdoch holds on (Lawler: “Like a spider-monkey!”) and…why? Just go out. Matt tries to toss Cade, but he holds on too. Murdoch gets sent up top, and Matt fights him, and they’re setting up something fancy when Jeff just spontaneously tosses Cade. Haha, stupid. Now Matt goes down on all fours so Jeff can Poetry in Motion Murdoch out, but Murdoch had already lost thanks to retardedness by Jeff and Cade. JR tells us Cade went under the bottom rope, so whatever. He’s replays of HBK betraying Cena and stuff.
Commercials. I’ve been seeing some ads on an old tape of MST3K off SciFi for those potato chips with Olestra in them. The ads are great, they have these down-home farm types telling you how natural and good the stuff is. Which is made funny by the fact that they were pulled from the market for giving people bloody, violent diarrhea.
Backstage, HBK (more like more like HBGAY) is being interviewed. Turns out he betrayed Cena because he wants to be the champion SHOCK. HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN AW SCREW IT invades the interview. He says HBK shouldn’t get a title shot because he lost at Wrestlemania. Uh, Randy, what did you do at Wrestlemania? Anyway, Randy thinks Cena only wants to fight HBK because he already knows he can beat HBK. Don’t even THINK about looking for a record of Cena pinning Orton, because it has NEVER EVER HAPPENED I’m POSITIVE. This is going nowhere, so we cut to a Wrestlemania montage. God I miss Smackdown.
Elsewhere backstage, Jonathan Coachman leads around, uh, someone with Monster Vision. Either Vince McMahon has had a camera built-into his head, or he somehow got some of Kane’s Satard Powar. Less advanced though, Vince can only send his POV into our heads, while Kane can project theoretical shots of Shane’s POV. I wonder how Vince got this power? Reverse inheritance from Steph after Kane presumably raped her on their wedding night? Oh wait, I’m confusing Steph with Lita. All them skanks look the same. Anyway, Coach doesn’t think Vince should go out and face the crowd. They come across some of the face divas, who pretend Vince looks good. Eugene laughs at Vince because, Hell, I can’t keep up with convoluted Eugene storylines. I forgot he and Hacksaw lost a “losers can never team up ever again” match before I was reminded by TCF, I just remembered the brutal Retard on Retiree beatdown. He also finds Cryme Tyme, who do nothing. At the end, Vince finds Ron Simmons, and they “hilariously” tease him saying “damn” before he does. “Quotation marks” sometimes denote “sarcasm.” There’s Viscera and Venis. Hello Viscera and Venis!
I haven’t thought of Kane projecting thoughts of Shane’s future POV of an ambulance for a long time. It made me smile.
Commercials. Live-action Transformers movie? I am afeared. It would appear to star Bumblebee more than it stars Optimus Prime.
NEO UNCLE BALDO invades the ring, with a sort of fedora on. Fan sign: “You’ve got no chance in hair.” He talks for like twenty minutes without saying anything. The fans chant for Austin, but ain’t getting’ him. If we thought we were gonna get to see McMahon’s bald dome on RAW, we are wrong because this hat has been “surgically fused” to Vince’s skull. He seriously says this. CANITOBA MANITOBA SASKATCHATOBA is forced to announce that Vince won the Battle of the Billionaires. Somehow. DUHR-HUHR I SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ARMY HELMET SURGICALLY FUSED TO MY HEAD comes out and smirks at Vince. Vince declares that Lashley has to defend his ECW title against Umaga, TONIGHT! Lashley rips off Vince’s hat. Vince runs off, panicked, and…gets a towel somewhere. Lashley rips that off. Vince tries JR’s hat, has it ripped off, he tries on Lawler’s crown, has it ripped off, etc. He should carry around one of those felt crown hats that the arch-enemy of Encyclopedia Brown’s wore. Now Vince sticks his head under Lillian’s skirt, and Lawler is just as entertained as you’d think. Lashley gives us some time to think about it, then rips off Lillian’s skirt. Lawler fails to die of a heart-attack, God damn it.
Commercials. That segment was approximately seven hours long, just so you know.
Our Skittles of the Skittles is Carlito and Flair winning some Wrestlemania dark match.
It’s time for the only two tag teams apparently less important than Nitro/Miz, as GRANDPA SMITH APPLES takes on GRR WE HATE CRYME TYME…DON’T WE? Why weren’t these guys in the big rumble? Or the other big rumble? The answer: racism. Lawler: “Todd Grisham doesn’t look nearly as good without a skirt.” Carlito and Shelton circle to start. Lawler: “These two are gonna give Carlito and the Nature Boy everything they can bargain for!” Shelton clotheslines Carlito down and punches him a bunch. Clubbering in the World’s Greatest Corner. Carlito fights both guys off and gets the KICK WHAM KNEELIFT. He attacks Haas on the apron, but runs into Benjamin’s soupar kick. Tag to Haas, who aataacks. Ramming Carlito into the corner. FUCKING KICK TO THE FACE. Carlito is standing upright and Haas just punt-kicks him in the face. A kick that sweet had no place in this filler-match. Tag to Shelton. Delayed back suplex. A cover gets 2. Lawler pervs out for Torrie, mostly out of boredom. Shelton sends Carlito into the ropes, but Carlito ducks whatever and gets his springboard back elbow. Double tag. Flair chops everyone a lot. JR: “Ric Flair’s electric company lighting up the World’s Greatest Tag Team!” He stole all his equipment from James Watt. Shelton eventually takes over with a back body drop. Shelton attacks Carlito. Haas sets Ric up for the Beverlyizer, Shelton hits the ropes, but Carlito does the low-bridge trick and Shelton falls to the floor. Haas still has Ric in Beverlyizer position, but Carlito chop-blocks him. Flair going for the Figure-4, and shockingly, these are the two legal men. I don’t imagine Charlie is going to counter this into the Haas of Pain, is he? Nope, tap-out, good triumphs over evil.
Here’s clips of the Hall of Fame ceremony. I like when Mr. Fuji yells “bonsai,” I guess. That’s how you spell the tree. I don’t know how you spell it when it means “thing that Japanese people yell.”
We’re back, and Todd Grisham is in the crowd talking to DJ RAN in the crowd. It’s actually “Timbaland,” the r&b producorial (not a word) genius behind, amongst others, Justin Timberlake. He says a whole lot of nothing (much of it taken from the Candice Michelle School of Saying “What a Great Crowd!”) before declaring that he wants to do some project with one of the hott, hott women of the WWE. This summons…
DEFINITELY THE FIRST M OF MNM, who is out for a celebratory post-Wrestlemania “photo opportunity.” She basically cuts a brief promo about how Ashley is teh suck, then poses. FEAR MY HEEL ASS attacks viscously. I mean viciously. Imagine if Colonel Parker had managed Sid Viscous! Anyway, spear on Melina, big ol’ DDT, and Mickie poses for the paparazzi. I, uh, guess that feud is back.
Commercials. I think there was a commercial here. I’m couldn’t be bothered to rewatch some of this.
Mick Foley talked about the Make A Wish Foundation here. I WISH THIS SHOW WAS GOOD HAHAHA *self high-five*
Our next exciting match is SEE MORE EVIL MORE LIKE MORE LIKE SEE NO VICTORY is Khali. He will be facing HEY WOW YOU’RE A BIG INDIAN LIKE MONTEZUMA EH? That’s Super Crazy. He doesn’t win.
That was a good Khali nickname more like more like gay nickname.
EVERYBODY LISTEN, HAHA, TO ME, COUNSEL THIS CRAZY PERSON tries to calm down Vince McMahon, who adds him to tonight’s main event. Uh, is this meant to be punishment? Basically, Estrada just very nicely tells Vince to try and relax, and Vince slams him against a wall and screams at him that Umaga vs Lashley is now Umaga and Estrada vs Lashley in a handicap match. This irritates me to no end because wrestling logic says this is stacking the deck against Lashley, but it’s supposedly punishing Estrada. And real logic means this is punishing Estrada and Umaga by making it obvious that Lashley will somehow sneak in a pinfall on Estrada while Umaga is indisposed, but that ruins dozens of previous McMahon/Coachman-booked handicap punishment matches. It just…ugh
Commercials. Weird new Skittles commercial, what a surprise.
Here’s replays of the second of two 9/10 team battle royals.
NEW TAG CHAMPS TAKE THAT RANDOM PAIRING OF ORTON AND KENNEDY are the new tag champs. They get to do a backstage promo. At no point do they mention that winning the tag titles means the last, oh, eight or so years of their careers have seen no advancement whatsoever.
More hype for “The Condemned,” which is another retelling of “The Most Dangerous Game.” More like more like The Most Dangerous Gay!
Alternately, The Most Dangerous Lame.
HOW DO YOU LEARN TO GET PUT THROUGH A 30 FOOT LADDER KING? is Edge. He talks about how he is the best and will win the championships. I’m not in the mood.
Commercials. The fake documentary about Gatorade is getting a little old. But not as old as trading a singing rabbit for Skittles.
FOR SACUBA!!! are Umaga and Estrada, though, uh, Lillian announces Umaga, and then says he’s “accompanied” by Estrada. Or, as she puts it: “Uhh *really long pause* Armando, Alajandro, Estrada!” Their opponent is HARD FIGHTING. Lashley’s Stupidtron video says “HARD HITTING” at one point and I thought it said “HARD FIGHTING,” which sounds like the name of someone who might fight Razor Ramon Hard Gay. Lawler tells us Lashley won the Battle of the Billionaires, which means Lashley is a billionaire. JR: “Lashley is special!” JR can barely talk, by the way, and he’s been like this for the whole show. Haha, Lashley does his little “I jump onto the apron as pyro fires” bit, but Umaga knocks him back down to the floor. Umaga goes out and throws Lashley into steps and stuff. Back in the ring, and Estrada just stands around watching Umaga fight. At one point Umaga ducks under whatever and tackles (but does not swoop sentence terminate) Estrada. JR stops talking altogether, and Lawler starts doing play-by-play, which is weird. Umaga pulls Lashley off of Estrada and clubbers. Lashley tries a sunset flip, which is always stupid against a fat Samoan. Estrada kicks at Lashley to…somehow help Umaga do the sit-down counter. It gets 2. Umaga does knee-choking. Estrada: “I bet that hurt! HAHA!” Haha. Lawler, on Lashley: “I haven’t seen legs like that since the brontosaurus died out!” Cause…you were there? Umaga sends Lashley into the ropes, catches him on the rebound, and Samoan Slams him. Here’s a replay. Umaga violently sits on Lashley. This is basically the main event of Wrestlemania for free, and I still want this to hurry up and end so I can either play PS2 or watch Youtube. Umaga tries to sit violently, but Lashley gets a boot up. DDT by Lashley, but Umaga comes back with fatness. Umaga covers for 2, and Estrada threatens the ref. Lashley lunges at Estrada, who flees to the outside as Umaga attacks. Lashley takes over a punching contest, but runs into a belly2belly by Umaga. JR is still mute. JIM ROSS HAS MAGICALLY LOST HIS MOUTH!! Estrada covers for 2, but Lashley kicks out again. Umaga does more stomps. Big headbutt. Lawler: “Big headbutt!” Yeah. Another cover for 2 by Estrada, heh. Fatty Splash by Umaga. Estrada orders Umaga to “Beat him up!” Lawler makes fun of it too. Lashley clubbers back, but charges into a throat thrust. The crowd is booing a lot. Estrada: “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” He covers for 2, and again gets launched a ridiculous distance when Lashley kicks out. Lashley and Umaga trade more punches (to boos) but Umaga does Viscera’s patented “fall over sideways and stick my foot out” flying kick. I guess the crowd is marginally into Lashley, as they’re chanting “Let’s Go Bobby.” Umaga sets Lashley up for the Face Full of Poi, but Lashley gets up before he even charges. Umaga clubbers him down anyway. God this is boring. Estrada tries to liven things up by walking across Lashley’s corpse. Lawler keeps talking to JR, even though JR is laying out. Umaga sets up the Face Full of Poi…and hits it! Estrada lifts Lashley up so Umaga can Samoan Spike him, and shockingly, Lashley kicks Umaga down instead of moving so Estrada gets Spiked. Lashley elbows Estrada down and out, then does spastic face punches on Umaga. A couple of shoulderblocks lead to a swoop sentence terminated, but Estrada breaks it up at 2. Lashley strangles Estrada in the corner, Umaga tries to Ho Train Attack, but Lashley evades and Estrada gets squished. Lashley tosses Umaga to the floor, gets the Strolling Powerslam (now called the Dominator, which was a whole different move but who’s counting?) on Estrada, and wins. Lawler: “Oh my gosh!” Replays. We’re out.
Final Thoughts: A sad little follow-up to Wrestlemania, but nothing was sadder than when the Skittles bumper came and Lawler took it because JR couldn’t talk.
