HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME: My birthday is this week. My only present so far was from my sister, who won’t be around for my actual birthday, so I got to open it early. She got me a T-shirt I can’t wear out of the house (I have a TON of those, though at least this isn’t another embarrassing wrestling shirt) and some books about Doctor Who. The books are actually an almost perfect gift for me because I’ve been running short on bathroom reading recently, and these are perfect because you can just quit reading about the making of “Terror of the Autons” when you’ve finished your business without feeling a great loss, and still be entertained later that day when you randomly flip to “The Talons of Weng-Chiang.” On the other hand, they’re an awful gift (don’t say anything Supes) because she got me books 3 and 4 out of I don’t know how many. They cover the 3rd Doctor (who is probably my least favorite of the ones I’ve gotten to see) and part of the 4th Doctor (high on anyone’s list, but apparently stretched over 2 volumes.) This leaves me reading well-written and thoughtful analyses of episodes I’m meh about and wanting to spend money I don’t have so I can read the same sort of analyses of the 2nd (Moe) Doctor and the 6th (“Excelsior” screaming) Doctor. They probably just hate on the 6th Doctor though, everyone else does. Strangle one companion and you’re suddenly not a good hero.
But yeah, if she’d spent the money on a DW DVD, I’d just watch it twice that first week I had it, then watch it once every other month for a while. And keep meaning to rebeak it and never get around to it, of course.
On to the rebeak! And…
Sigh.
Something went wrong with taping RAW. To be brutally honest, I have mixed feelings on this. This was gonna have to be a pretty “low depth” RAWbeak because I have a LOT of exams to prepare for this week, but since I didn’t get to see the show live at all I did want to at least get to do a sort of “once through quickly with no pausing or rewinding and light on the nicknames” take on it. Instead, rebeak of a recap. I got the entire main event on tape, but doing that one match and skipping everything else would feel stupid.
I seriously was going to rebeak another Doctor Who this week (stockpiling for a future site, at this rate) and only blew it off because I knew I’d have to rebeak RAW later.
So…I guess I’ll fall back on our good friends at 411, the site you can count on not to report anything until at least two or three news sites have already posted it. Which means you can trust them. Total compliment, there. I really can’t crap on 411 considering they cover Heat regularly and in a timely fashion. A lot of “serious” websites can’t even be bothered with Smackdown and ECW.
But I will say any site with a lengthy column on how Lance Hoyt should already be a huge star has me scratching my head. And screaming “DOOT-DOO!”
Our source material here is from JD “Special Delivery” Dunn and Arnold “I am” Furious (Yellow.) I’m not going to bother with nicknames, in part out of laziness and in part because me pulling from two sources will be confusing enough.
According to JD Dunn, Stone Cold attacks a sock puppet to open the show. Coach runs in to save, but gets stunnared. Vince McMahon’s limo appears and blocks Stone Cold’s path, but the glare off his head melts the limo. I think. Mr. Furious is a bit more lucid: Stone Cold cut some ranty promo involving some plot events with Vince trying to frame Trump for buying off Stone Cold that I totally missed. Is this angle advancing on Smackdown now? I thought I caught most of ECW. Coach interrupts and tries to form a Brotherhood of Baldness with Stone Cold, but Stone Cold stunners him in the moment we’ve all been dying to see. I think in the coming back from the break teaser, Vince’s limo blocks Stone Cold backstage, but Stone Cold stares down the limo driver. In typical, pathetic Vince fashion, Vince beats up the limo driver to show how studly he is, and screams “YOU’RE FIAHRED” a lot.
Next up, Diva action. Melina and Victoria and Jillian Hall (!?!? Isn’t she on Smackdown, and, uh, a face?) teamed against Torrie, Ashley, and Candice (!?!? What about Mick…oh, just the Playboy sluts, got it.) This was surely awful. Ashley rolled up the horrible, evil HEEL Jillian for the win.
I guess maybe Gillian is a face and Jillian is a heel.
CM Punk took on Kenny Dykstra. CM Punk won, not by hitting Dykstra with a doghouse (which would have been cool) but by using a sleeper (which is lame.) Both of our 411 Superstars noted that CM Punk was over with the Chicago crowd, because Chicago has a bunch of dirty smarks.
Next, Edge held a Carlito’s Cabana about Monkey in the Bank. It was actually a The Cutting Edge, but the palm trees would have made the monkey much more comfortable. Apparently all the contestants were part of the segment, so it must have been one long, awful train-wreck. The gods of continuity saw to it that Matt took a Lita-related dig at Edge. The crowd was totally into CM Punk again, because this crowd has been absolutely blown away by his thirty million matches with Hardcore Holly. Eventually Punk gets some awesome line about how he’s addicted to competition but Edge is addicted to running his mouth, and IT’S AWN! Except Edge flees and let’s everyone else fight. Hahaha, I’m cool with that as long as it isn’t part a Royal Rumble he then fucking wins. The faces clear the ring and chase Edge. Huzzah.
John Cena got interviewed by Maria here. Chicago hated on him, because, dirty smarks. Sure, I hate Cena, but I don’t then automatically love CM Punk. I guess that makes me a dirty mark, or perhaps a clean smark. JD Dunn tells us all about the woody Maria’s cleavage gave him (thank you SO MUCH for that) and concludes that the promo was about a ferret or a bagel. Furious says Cena talked about how he was going to win and stuff. The ideal write-up of this would have JD Dunn’s punchline about Cena’s ferret/bagel promo without the set-up of Dunn being too horny to pay attention.
Time for Vince McMahon versus Bobby Lashley. It’s no DQ (sigh) so Lashley gets attacked first by Cade and Murdoch, then by Chris Masters, and then by Johnny Nitro. None of them accomplish jack shit (though apparently Nitro got the least offense of anyone…when Lance frickin’ Cade was in there.) Then Umaga came in, and he and Lashley no-sold each other until Vince kicked Lashley in his extreme former Army sergeant balls. Then a Samoan Drop (by Umaga, not by Vince) and Vince covers for 3. BRILLIANT way to build Lashley going into Wrestlemania. I’m not sure why I even bothered to criticize this booking there. Oh wait, it’s not over. Furious thinks Lashley kicked out at 2 and wasn’t meant to, as Umaga beats him down some more and Vince covers for 3 again. Dunn isn’t really paying as close attention, but sneaks in a cute joke about Vince winning the first 5-minute Iron Man Match 2-0.
JD Dunn is excited about seeing that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun in an action/thriller. I’m just gonna lay that out there and let you decide for yourselves.
Back to the show, and Todd Grisham asks Vince McMahon if his victory over Lashley is tainted. Vince says yes, because he kicked Lashley in the taint. Dunn finds this REALLY funny. It may be sarcasm, but…well, anyway. Vince introduces “Donald Trump,” who is Eugene in a Trump wig. Arnold Furious: “Eugene seems upset that he has no hair.” Hahaha, awesome. Vince says anyone who thinks Trump will be shaving Vince’s hair is a retard. Fucking Vince couldn’t get any lamer if he started tying women to railroad tracks.
Next up is, uh, the Hardy Boyz vs Randy Orton and Mister Kennedy. Huh. Dunn knows who all those boring old NWA dudes like Arn and Tully and Ronnie Garvin are. What a loser, huh huh. Seems like a standard tag match (the Hardyz and Kennedy being ok, Orton sucking ass) and the finale comes when the Hardy try Poetry in Motion on Kennedy, but he walks out of the way hahahahaha fuck yeah. Shades of Samoa Joe just pshawing top-rope tomfoolery. Someone who isn’t Kennedy gets RKOed for the heel win because the WWE’s only surviving legacy team can’t beat a random pairing of two upper mid-card heels.
Furious wonders if he’s the only on who cringed to see Jeff locking up with Randy. It makes me want to say “Am I the only one who doesn’t enjoy getting kicked repeatedly in the temple?”
I’d rather be kicked in the synagogue HAHAHAHA HEYOOOOOOO!
The Divas did an “All grown up” segment which must have been seriously fucking creepy. Jean Benet Ramsey all over again.
Wow, even this rebeak of two recaps feels like it’s taking forever. Suddenly I miss the easily mocked Palumbo-fetish of Scott “Baked Not” Fried.
JR is sent to the Hall of Fame. He should totally have “Doctor Death” Steve Williams giving him a shoulder rub while shouting “HEADING TO THE HALL OF FAME! HUHR HUHR HUHR!” here. Well, I guess JR sort of deserves it, for all he’s been through. Feel free to give me flack about that if you notice/care.
Flair vs Khali, gee, I’m sorry I missed that. Carlito runs in to assist in under a minute and they both die anyway. Then Kane chases Khali off with a hook. I was indifferent to Wrestlemania before but now I’m into it. I guess this Kane/Khali match was the HOOK HAHAHA (I’m tired and my blood sugar is a little low.)
More celebrities talked about hair versus hair, and I sort of wish I’d seen this because they’re usually good for a laugh.
HBK cut a passionate promo here. I wandered by the TV at this point and he was fucking completely orange. Like, his skin was blaze orange. I don’t know what the fuck that was about. Either my picture went on the blink or he fell into a vat of bronzer.
The main event saw Taker and Batista face Cena and HBK. The crowd was rabidly anti-Cena, by far the loudest anti-Cena backlash (at Backlash, there will be no Backlash, for Benoit) I’ve heard in months. They worked some wise-ass ROH chant when Taker and Cena exchanged punches, yelling “yay” for Taker and “boo” for Cena, but got messed up when Taker took over and accidentally booed him a few times. Eventually Taker picked up Cena (or HBK, I forget) and press-slammed him into Batista intentionally, then walked out. Thus evening the score as Batista walked out on Taker at the stupid ppv no one should have paid to see. Cena then gave Batista that one move, and then HBK did the Macho Elbow. And then Cena tried to get HBK to do a stereo YCSM taunt, but they kept fucking up the timing. But eventually they got it, then got a stereo FKS, which would be a TKS, I guess. Cena celebrated, turned back to Shawn, and FUCKING FINALLY got his head superkicked off to an amazing, rabid face-pop. Not at all sure if they looked at the schedule and intentionally picked Smarkago as the city where HBK would do that…if they wanted HBK to be the heel they miscalculated in a big way. Anyway, still unconscious Batista magically places an arm on Cena for 3, then vanishes to the Farplane so HBK can YCSM at Cena, and then do some quasi-crotch chops.
Then, and I remember this personally, JR yelled at us not to go away because there was more RAW to come. Then they went to commercials at 11:05. Then they came back, showed a replay of the finish, and ENDED THE SHOW WHAT THE FUCK.
Final Thoughts: Sorry. And now I’m all moody, as that reference to “At No Mercy, there will be No Mercy, for Benoit” joke actually somehow made me nostalgic for that period. Will wonders never cease. This was a very sad little rebeak. Not at all worthy of JG Rawbeak #69.
