Sam the Cat died. I don’t want to talk about it.
You guys were saved from another Doctor Whobeak by the fact that the remote control on the decent DVD/VHS player died. But I was going to do a Tom Baker one, so who knows, you might even have liked it.
Wrestlemania Reversal night. We’ll see Cena vs Benoit, and they’ll screw us out of HBK/JBL somehow. Wow, looks like that will happen right now, as R U RED(X)Y? is out. JR screams about how HBK is one-half of DX, and Triple H could get hit by a car and die tomorrow and they’d keep using the DX entrance for Shawn until the T-shirt sales slack off. I know we’re not getting a match, but I still feel a little nostalgic for the stock market bell ringing, mooing entrance theme of I’M NOT YOUR PARTNER. JR claims to watch Smackdown. JR…what the fuck is he talking about? Insulting the Longhorns, I guess. They’re traditional southern sports enemies of the Sooners, as are the Cornhuskers, the Bugeaters, the Crawdadcatchers, and the Negrolynchers. JBL is of course not dressed to compete, and has a mic. JBL: “I just flew in from Wall Street, New York City, in my eight-thousand dollar custom suit, because I was told I have a match with you. I guess” pause for you suck chant “I guess somebody didn’t get the memo. Nobody, nobody tells JBL what to do, nor when to do it, and damn sure nobody tells me when to come out of retirement against anybody! If I come out of retirement, it will be my choosing, my rules, in my town, New York City! It damn sure won’t be frickin’ Indiana! So this HBK, versus JBL, dream match? Not gonna happen! And it’s not like you don’t have enough problems. You see, you don’t have to worry about me kicking your ass here tonight Shawn, because in less than two weeks, count ‘em buddy, tick-tock, tick-tock, you get your ass kicked by John Cena at Wrestlemania! You have had time after time, opportunity after opportunity, to kick Cena’s head right off his shoulders…and you didn’t do it. You have got to be the most egotistical PRICK *late bleep* in my life! But despite all that, despite all that, when you walk through that curtain, you’re a lightening rod, you’re the show stoppah, you are indeed the main event! I have seen you play mind games with guys so badly, you had ‘em beat before they could even climb through the ropes. But this Shawn…this isn’t a mind game is it? This is doubt. Because you know in your heart of hearts, when you look in a mirror and you see your soul, you know deep down, you can’t beat John Cena! So you have the perfect out Shawn, and that pisses me off! You come out here, and you don’t take the shot, you don’t take the chance! You have got Everest right in front of ya, and you won’t even climb it because you know deep down, maybe you can’t. Maybe these fans won’t cheer you anymore, so you become a good guy. You get religion, you don’t take a shot at John Cena because you’re a decent human being, so win or lose, when you’re done, they’re gonna cheer you, even though you didn’t even try. Pathetic. If I wasn’t in retirement right now, I’d beat your ass myself, because you make me sick.” And JBL hands him the microphone. HBK gets a big pop just for standing there. HBK: “First of all, I had no idea this was going to turn into a verbal spat. You see, one of us came here tonight to fight. Now having said that, you’ve thrown a lot of accusations my way, so please, allow me to counter. As far as respect is concerned, I am not concerned about it, because I am going to assume I’ve already got it from everybody, because I’ve earned it. And as far as mind games are concerned, maybe…no mind games, is the greatest mind game of all JBL. And you think I doubt whether I think I can beat John Cena? Let me assure you at Wrestlemania, I can and I will defeat John Cena for the WWE championship. But you and I can agree on one thing, we do have one thing in common, you see, much like you, nobody tells Shawn Michaels what to do. Nobody tells the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels when to deliver, Sweet Chin Music. I do it when I want, and I do it when you least expect it. It may happen tonight, it may happen next week, who knows, it might not happen until Wrestlemania. But one thing I can tell you and everybody else in this building with absolute certainty…” pause to superkick JBL “is that it’s not gonna happen until after I’ve knocked your head off!” Ok, you knew the superkick was coming from the moment JBL opened his mouth, but I still have to give the devils their due on the quality of the mic-work. HBK leaves with JBL’s hat.
Commercials. The Hills Have Eyes 2 is obviously a typo. It should be called The Hills Have 2 Eyes.
Another unfunny “Tale of the Tape” for McMahon and Trump. Trump’s “phallic symbol” is “Trump Tower” and Vince’s is “Gigantic Grapefruits.” Can a metaphor for testicles be a phallic symbol with no phallus? I’m not sure.
EDGE CAGE is reading WWE Magazine when HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, WILL MAKE ME DRESS UP AS GEORGE “GOOBER” LINDSAY invades and yells at Edge. Edge ditched him last week on ECW. Edge tries to no-sell, so Randy grabs his magazine and throws it. Randy tells Edge he convinced Vince McMahon to book a “Last Chance Battle Royal.” Where a bunch of guys will fight…for Edge’s spot in Monkey in the Bank. Edge is furious. They go nose-to-nose. Literally, their noses are all squished up against each other, it’s pretty funny. I’ve never seen two wrestlers who were supposed to be angry at each other look more like they were about to make-out. Well, Edge’s crazy eyes help mitigate it a bit. Randy leaves. Edge remains pissed. Now he has to (and no doubt will) rewin his spot.
THE END? YES! NO! NOW I’LL ALWAYS WONDER is holding another Masterlock Challenge. We get a montage of quite a few historical Masterlock Challenges, giving me a small glimmer of hope this whole awful time-wasting angle may be about to end. And indeed, TRUMP’S MAN THAT TRUMP OWNS BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE SLAVES comes out. Masters is stunned, as are our announcers. Editor’s (me) note: Al Creed/RavenFan said over at TCR that this Masterlock Challenge was announced on WWE.com days before RAW, which is pretty funny. Masters does that stupid bullshit he did against Khali where he acts like Lashley’s arms are too big to even grab. He paintbrushes the back of Bobby’s head (fake) so Lashley gets up and slaps him. Then the Masterlock is properly applied, and, uh, no sign of Umaga running-in, and…wow, he breaks it. After teasing going out once or twice, of course. Can Masters go away now? No post-match attack, either. That Masters is no Snitsky.
Commercials. The Rock in The Scorpion King. I totally misquoted his yelling at Guerrero, big ups to lil’ bro for getting it right.
Ashley and her gross lip rings in Playboy. There’s something on the cover of that magazine about “BONUS” and “CHYNA,” wow.
Moments ago, the Masterlock was broken. Also, Lashley rubs his own bald head. Backstage, Vince mock applauds as Lashey wanders around shirtless and cold. Somebody threw his gear into the parking lot, so Vince assigns security guys to escort Bobby out of the building to find it. And stay out. Bobby’s big babyface comeback: looking at Vince. Vince and Coach now come across Maria, who is wearing red. Vince: “All in red!” Maria: “Thank you!” Thank you for identifying what color my dress is. Now distracted Vince walks into Eugene, who spills a drink on Vince. Vince pretends it’s ok, but books him against Umaga OMG HEEL. Then Ron Simmons appears. For some reason he teases saying “DAMN” before saying it. I have no idea what they were going for there. I mean, Vince could have cut him off for heel heat, but no, they just teased it then immediately delivered.
Arnold Skaaland is dead. He once threw a towel when Bob Backlund didn’t want him to. This big, long montage about how wonderful he was seriously doesn’t even tell us that much.
Commercials. This is when the remote control stopped working, so no rewinding to double-check stuff. This may make this rebeak more bearable.
Stone Cold’s “all grown up” thing cheats and plays his music in the middle. He’s still horrible and boring.
Last Chance Battle Royal. What a convenient time for the remote to die so I have an excuse to gloss over the action. We see entrances for Ric, Nitro, Carlito, and Edge. Everyone else in the ring is a Veloci…Heatbaby. Viscera is the first to go, because everyone teams up on him. My pick to win: Val Venis. This is a pretty thin crowd…the only people in there I didn’t see get entrances are Super Crazy, Val and the WGTT. Where are the Highlanders, Cryme Tyme, Cade and Murdoch, Duggan…are these guys somehow not good enough for Wrestlemania? I am shocked and offended. Edge goes outside under the bottom rope and fakes an injury and I am so fucking sick of that. It’s bad enough WWE uses it on every fucking rumble now, but they have EDGE use it in every fucking rumble. Super Crazy tries some crazy flying shit on the WGTT, but they catch him and toss him out. Wow, they truly are the WGTT, even better at catching jumping guys than Gymini! Let’s go to break.
Commercials. The RAW Fan Nation includes some female detective who talks about the divas and is worse on the mic than Candice Fucking Michelle.
We’re back. Uh, some jobbers are gone. Let’s see replays of Val Venis and Charlie Haas going. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep tonight if I didn’t know how those two were eliminated. Trainers continue checking on Edge. If only they would ask him if he could move his toes. Hey, Kenny’s in there. Hi, Kenny! JR tells us of his life-long dream to work Wrestlemania. If memory serves, his first Wrestlemania was the toga one. Shelton springs up top to attack Carlito, but Flair simply shoves Shelton out while he’s stupidly up-top. Flair eliminates Kenny, Carlito eliminates Nitro, and it’s Good Friends Better Enemies. Does this mean Khali will attack? Carlito and Flair punch and chop some. Such passion. Carlito hits his springboard back elbow, and like always the victim has to stand there for like twenty minutes waiting to receive it. Carlito thinks he tosses Flair, but Flair lands on the apron and pokes him in the eyes. Flair charges into a back elbow. Trying something fancy, but Flair tosses him. Flair thinks he’s won. This is the greatest moment since the 96 Royal Rumble, I swear. Pinky promise. Edge, of course, comes in and tosses Flair, and Flair almost fucks it up by going between the ropes instead of over the top. We get our Money in the Bank graphic again. Finlay is totally going to win. Haha, a replay shows us Edge faked the knee injury after doing a kneedrop on Val Venis. VAL’S HARDNESS INJURED ME!
Vince comes out with security. No nickname because I hate him. Also, they used Donald Trump on one of those animated USA Network “Raw Characters Welcome” graphics and he’s not even gonna be here.
COMING UP A COMMERCIAL FOR SOME HORRIBLE MOVIE WITH STONE COLD MY GAHD.
Commercials. I’M BALLIN’!
Our TMNT of the Week is Donald shoving Vince and Vince refusing to break the table which he was probably meant to break.
Vince’s music is still playing. Vince: “That was Trump’s only Wrestlemania moment, and it’s not even Wrestlemania yet!” What? He introduces THE SAMOAN TARDDOZER (w/I’M STILL HIS MANAGER YOU KNOW NO MATTER HOW LITTLE I GET TO TALK.) Uh-oh, the barber chair has been moved next to the ring. Umaga’s opponent is EVEN I REALIZE VINCE ISN’T MY FRIEND. Though actually he’s acting all happy. Haha, he’s mesmerized by the barber pole. Ok, he’s still wearing the jacket with the green slime on it, shouldn’t this act as some sort of reminder that Vince is his enemy? Anyway, Umaga beats the shit out of Eugene, SHOCK. Face Full of Poi, Samoan Brother Runt, 1, 2, 3. Now they tie Eugene in the barber chair (it has straps) and Vince starts calling Eugene “Trump” and orders Umaga to choke him. And Vince starts cutting Eugene’s hair while screaming bizarre threats in his growliest sexual predator voice. He threatens to shave everyone in the arena. This is both horrific and lame at the same time. Eugene is crying. Vince: “OH YEAH BABY!” Vince gives the restrained, shaved retard a billionaire bitchslap. Then Umaga cruelly, evilly spins the chair around.
Commercials. Is it just me, or does Retard-Shaving sound like an Australian sport?
REMEMBERING HOW TO TURN AROUND IN A CIRCLE STRETCHES MY MENTAL POWERS TO THEIR VERY LIMIT is out. Candice: “Wow, what a great crowd tonight!” HAHAHA. If she was a heel, she’d be going HOW BOUT IT! Candice only says about three sentences in calling out Melina for being mean to Playboy Playmates, but she still manages to be embarrassingly bad. BARONESS BARRACUDA comes out effortlessly blows Candice the fuck away on the mic. She mocks the Go Daddy dance, and suggests that being able to turn around in a circle may not be much of a talent. Candice’s rebuttal is basically “you have sex with all the mens BRA AND PANTIES MATCH NOW.” Melina: “You’re on, BITCH!” JR: “OH MY GOD, BRA AND PANTIES, THEY’RE GONNA GET IT ON!” Melina charges the ring, and we go to a commercial break before she gets there, so that even people who really like stuff like this are left irritated by this segment. I forgot just how horrible Candice is when I accused that lady cop of being worse than her.
Commercials. I would be just fine never seeing/hearing the bizarre “singing rabbit” Skittles commercial ever again.
We’re back, and Melina has a sort of scissors leglock on Candice, I guess. Candice squirms out and they hit each other some. Candice is barely dressed anyway. Candice manages to get Melina’s pants off, and does the Go Daddy dance with them. Which was a stupid move, as Melina attacks from behind. Melina rips Candice’s outer bra off, revealing her inner bra. Modified The Impressive by Melina, who starts to pull off Candice’s pants, but…Candice rolls around. Candice tries to remove Melina’s top following her devastating kick finisher, but Melina shoves her off and bulldogs her. She pulls off Candice’s outer panties, revealing the inner panties and winning the match. Then, awesomely, Melina starts to celebrate with the panties, realizes she’s a heterosexual woman waving another woman’s worn panties around, and freaks out and throws them down and kicks them away. TOUGH AND SEXAY BECAUSE SHE HAS PIERCINGS WHAT WHAT invades and tears off Melina’s shirt, revealing her bra. THE GREAT SEX-Y invades. Ashley looks scared and wants to run, but Melina lays her out from behind and flees so Ashley will be at Khali’s mercy, awesome. Khali goes to kill Ashley, but YOU’RE A LITTLE OLD FOR ME BUT I’LL RESCUE YOU ANYWAY tries to make the save. Shitty chokeslam for Lawler. Hooray!
Commercials. Greyhair McOldguy uses Just For Men to score mad bitches.
Tony Hawks, the Mad Money guy, Ricki Fucking Lake, Spider Sally, and Jewel all know who Donald Trump is. HOLY FUCKING SHIT a celebrity mentions Vince McMahon! It’s a Nascar dude, natch. Kevin “Big-Time Celebrity” Federline: “Donald has bad hair, so…Donald, you’re gonna have to shave your head anyway dude.” He and Candice should get married and have mute children.
Todd Grisham is out on commentary. God damn it, JBL is RIGHT THERE! JR dedicates his Skittlegasm to Lawler, I shit you not. 1 2 3 4 I DECLARE A RAINBOW WAR vs I ACCEPT YOUR IMPOSSIBLY GAY CHALLENGE, great. It looks like Benoit will be jobbing to Cena in a five-minute special. Randy forces Jeff into the corner, tries to cheapshot him on the break, but Jeff ducks and armdrags him. Randy clubbers back anyway, but misses a corner charge and gets armdragged some more. Randy reverses an Irish whip and does the RKB. Now the Garvin Stomp, and he stops halfway through to yell “SHUT UP,” ripping off both Ronnie Garvin and Edge in the same moment. Randy with…a shitty, shitty Liontamer. Jeff makes the ropes. Hey, Edge might somehow cost Randy this match, that would be nice. Jeff fights back with clotheslines and stuff. Elum kick. Randy reverses a corner whip because he wants to get hit with Whyspyr yn thy Wynd. JR: “Whisper in the Wind by Jeff Hardy! Twist of Fate I should say. *pause* Whisper in the Wind, I got it right.” I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING RACIST ABOUT INDIANA invades and tosses a ladder into the ring in plain site of the ref. Ok. Randy takes it and hits Jeff for the Dairy Queen. Randy Orton always has cream on his sundaes. Now Randy yells at Edge, like Edge forced him to disqualify himself. Jeff recovers and gives Randy the Twist of Fate. Now Jeff sets up the ladder, climbs onto it, and does a super duper legdrop on Randy. JR: “This seems to please Edge!” JR declares Team RKO “dangerously dysfunctional.”
Commercials. Body spray.
“Justin Roberts,” the announcer guy on ECW, starts talking and makes me think Extreme Expose is invading. Instead, it’s an “exclusive first look” (a commercial) for Stone Cold’s stupid new movie. One of the guys Austin fights looks just a little bit, from just the right angle, like Christopher Eccleston, which I find hilarious. EXTREMINATE, WHAT, EXTERMINATE, WHAT?
Ok, so, Vince is on a phone with…somebody. I wasn’t really paying attention. Vince books himself versus Bobby Lashley, next week. Coach thinks this is a bad idea, but Vince guarandamtees victory.
I’M NOT GOING TO SUPERKICK YOU *OMG SUPERKICK* is out. Why?
Commercials. More body spray.
Backstage, WAAH I THOUGHT VINCE THE EVIL GUY WHO POURED SLIME ON ME ONCE WAS MY FRIEND is bald and weepy. He still has a beard, and sort of looks like Rory McAllister. Sad Rory McAllister. Like he just watched the Time Lords wipe Jamie’s memory and send him home. I wonder if this really is the end of Eugene? If they’ll send his ass to OVW, or repackage him. Maybe they can say his hair was magically making him retarded and he’s a new guy now.
HBK is on commentary, I guess. HBK: “The Rabid Wolverine will get in your backside!” If he can get behind you, he’ll ride you. He’s one of the best. AVOID THE “CROSSFACE” is indeed out. And now, so is MORNING COMES TO CHEAP WHITE TRASH. I was watching Pod People earlier, hence the nickname. It’s not going to happen, but I would just love to see Benoit shred Cena here. Brawling to start, and Cena gets sent out of the ring. Benoit follows him out, and slams his head onto the announce table. Looking for a German suplex on the floor, but Cena elbows out. He goes to attax, but Benoit ducks and he pulls up just short of hitting HBK. HBK: “You’ll pull back a bloody stump next time, Cena!” HBK bites when he gives head. Benoit attax and sends Cena back in. Chops in the corner by Benoit. High-angle back suplex. Hitting the ropes…running elbowdrop. He covers for 2. Replays of the ringside shenanigans. Benoit chops Cena some more. Benoit sends Cena into the corner, but charges right into a boot. Cena punches away, and Benoit sells them like he’s being shot in the face. Now Cena charges into a boot. Cena tries a kick, but gets dragonscrewlegwhipped. HBK: “Shut up, Grisham.” Benoit goes for the Scorpion Deathlock. Cena fights to the ropes, but Benoit pulls him back to the center of the ring. Cena crawls back again, and this time he grabs it. Benoit stomps. Cena comes back up and they trade punches, but Benoit ducks whatever and goes for Rolling Germans. He gets all drei. Thumbs across the throat. Going up top for Air Georgia, but Cena evades. Grisham: “Nobody home for Crispin Wa!” Naptime. Cena ducks a punch and gets his shoulderblock. There’s that one move he does. YCSM, FKS. JR: “Nothing fancy about the Five Knuckle Shuffle!” Uh, what about the stupid dance? Going for the F-U, Benoit sneaks out and tries the Crawlspace, but Cena…GOD DAMN IT, he puts on the STFU. And Benoit TAPS. That’s just fucking wrong. HBK goes into the ring and warms up the band behind Cena’s back, Cena turns, and he starts to superkick, stops, and does “haha I got you” finger motions. Now Cena scoops HBK up like he’s gonna F-U him, but puts him down. Those loveable munchkins. I CAN’T BELIEVE I GOT SUPERKICKED EARLIER invades and announces that next week, HBK and Cena face Batista and the Undertaker. Uh, again. Everything gets purple and the gong goes off, but…we go straight to the Law & Order narrator talking about sex offenses. Like premature ejaculation, AM I RIGHT LADIES? Wow, don’t know where that came from. Sorry.
Final Thoughts: My favorite part of RAW was getting to hear JBL talk, so…wow.
