No blog. It would be depressing this week anyway.
I HATE JOHN CENA comes out. He says he’s worried about his special friendship with Shawn Michaels, who he calls out. I HATE HBK comes out. Cena says HBK only pretends to love him. He says HBK only has his back because he wants the title. HBK confesses. Didn’t he, uh, make that pretty clear several weeks ago? They act like they’re going to fight, which is, you know, a good thing for Wrestlemania opponents to do. I'M A LITTLE SICK OF COACH TOO invades. He says they must “run the gauntlet” and defeat three sets of jobbers teams in one night. And if they even get to the third match, it will be in a steel cage. Jim Cornette is being kidnapped from Orlando as we speak so he can be suspended over the steel cage tag title match in a tiny steel cage. When they run the Gauntlet, Cena wants to be the magician. HBK can be either the fey elf, the warrior woman, or the muscular sweaty guy…they’re all pretty gay choices.
A limo arrives, oohoohoohoo. WHEN MY BILLIONAIRE FRIENDS GATHER TO MAKE FUN OF ME IT’S A DELICIOUS TRUMP ROAST gets out.
Commercials. Like rump roast?
More quasi-celebrities talk about the Battle of the Billionaires. The biggest names are Jason “Washed Up” Alexander and Lou Diamond “Dallas Page” Phillips. Both talk about Trump and have no idea who Vince is.
Up next, a triple threat match for a Monkey in a Bank. Introducing first, MY THEME SONG TOTALLY PLAYED THE FIRST TIME A MONKEY THREW A BONE IN THE AIR. Introducing second, MY THEME SONG TOTALLY PLAYED THE FIRST TIME A MONKEY SPIT AT ANOTHER MONKEY. And introducing third, MY THEME MUSIC PLAYED THE FIRST TIME A MONKEY PUT IT’S TURDS IN ANOTHER MONKEY’S GYM BAG. That last one is Orton. Lawler, surprisingly, remembers the eight-straight weeks of Randy and Edge killing Flair to annoy DX. Ok, so, everyone rolls everyone else up like five times. Eventually Flair and Carlito take turns beating up Orton. Orton is so obviously going to win, it really kills all my interest. Flair covers Orton for 2. Carlito suplexes Orton, then covers for 2. Flair chops Orton, who goes to the eyes. Carlito just clubbers Randy back down. Carlito does an elbow or something and covers for 2. Now Flair covers Randy for 2. Ric wants Carlito to back off, and chop blocks Orton. Now Carlito wants Ric to back off, and gets his springboard back elbow. Carlito wants the Arch Deluxe, but Flair grabs Randy’s leg for the Figure Four. Carlito gets in his face, so Flair pie-faces him. Carlito looks pissed, backs off, then surprises Flair with the Arch Deluxe. Orton pops back up and tosses Carlito, then RKOs Flair for 3. Randy celebrates, but Carlito comes flying back in with a missile dropkick. It gets 2. I guess this is elimination rules, which would normally make for a better match but like I said, we all know who’s going to win. Let’s take a break.
Commercials. Ballerinas continue giving some dude a hand-job as the King keeps popping in quarters.
We’re back, and Orton is doing the Garvin Stomp. JR: “No limb is safe!” Everything even indirectly associated with Randy Orton is retarded. Randy punches and stuff. Randy does a corner whip that hurts extra because Orton falls over as he does it. Ninja chokeout. I sort of tune out for a bit. Sorry. Carlito is fighting back, but he does one of those magical dropkicks that hurt if you miss, and misses. Randy wants the RKO, but Carlito shoves him into the ropes and ranas him. Million Dollar Kneelift. They have dollars in Puerto Rico, right? Fireman’s Carry into a One-Man Flapjack (henceforth to be known as the Apple Jack) for 2. Carlito flips out of the corner fancy-like and enzoogweerees Randy for 2. Scoop and a slam, springboard fancy rolling backsplash, but it only gets 2. Carlito charges into the corner, but gets launched into the air and crotched. RKO, and that’s it. See, the Diamond Cutter worked as a face finisher because a victory out of nowhere for the good guy can be exciting. But the heel winning clean out of nowhere is just irritating. Well, if that heel is Randy Orton, anyway.
Your eight bank monkeys are officially Edge, Punk, Bookah, Jeyuff, Kennedy, Mayutt, Finlay, and Orton.
Lashley/McMahon montage. It…takes us to break.
Commercials. Scary ventriloquists. Truly worthy of the tagline “Just because something isn’t alive, doesn’t mean it’s dead.”
Our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle of the Week is Khali attacking Kane.
DON’T TOUCH THE OATMEAL COOKIES IN THERE is having another Masterlock challenge. He challenges VISCERA, HAAS, SOMEONE HELP ME! To her rescue comes FLY LIKE A BUMBLEBEE, STING LIKE A BUMBLEBEE. After doing some neat flippity stuff including dropkicking Masters’ knee in such a way that he falls face-first into the chair, Supes makes a mistake in trying the ubercontrived bulldog and has it countered into the Masterlock. JR calls Masters “a physical freak.”
Another limo arrives, oohoohoohoohoo. PANTSCRAP MCSWAGGER comes out. He sees Trump’s limo. He tells Trump’s driver that “mine is bigger than his is.” Lawler: “You are what you drive, JR?” Lawler is a frightened, shackled preteen girl.
Commercials. Mick almost wins me over by telling me he hates DX, but then he makes a lame “you should never say ‘suck it’ without saying ‘please’ first” joke.
“Big Cat” Ernie Ladd montage. Isn’t he already in the Hall of Fame? Oh, he’s dead.
TROUBLE, IN PARADISE, MESS WITH HIM AND YOU’RE GONNA DIE is Team RKO, and sort of an in-joke. Randy comes to tell Edge that he, Randy, is totally going to win Monkey in the Bank. Edge points out that he’s won a billion ladder matches and has never lost at Wrestlemania. Orton: “You know what Edge, the only reason you’re undefeated at Wrestlemania, is because you’ve never faced me at Wrestlemania, I hate to break it to ya but on top of that, *coughs a bit* not only am I younger, but I’m better looking.” He pats Edge on the shoulder. “Good luck to you too.” Edge tries to make it funnier by checking his face and pondering his good-lookingness, but nothing will top Randy dissing Edge’s chances at Wrestlemania by just spontaneously saying “I’m better looking.”
There’s an episode of the original Jap-language Sailor Moon Classic, I don’t remember which one it is, that ends like that. After Moon, Merc and Mars have saved the day, they’re just (part 2 of) kinda standing around with Luna saying generic “the world is safe again” type stuff when Usagi spontaneously and for no reason says “I’m prettier than you, Rei.” And Rei starts trying to strangle her. It’s like the writers wanted them to fight at the end of every episode, but forgot to write-in a reason.
Lillian Garcia introduces FINALLY, PRE-RECORDED COMMENTS, HAVE COME BACK, TO RAW. He appears on the Stupidtron, hiding behind a copy of the LA Times. Idiot fans don’t get who it is until he works in “FINALLY…” He calls himself the People’s Champ, and I think of Liu Bei. Even though this is pre-recorded, the Rock is still a lot more exciting than the rest of this show. But I can’t bring myself to praise it too much when we know face Rock is just a pale, sad (hey, like me) imitation of the world-ruling heel Rock with dramatic music, helicopter flying around entrance movie, and ability to trick Goldberg into ruining the transmission of his stupid muscle car. Anyway, Rock says his usual stuff, and informs us that “Umaga,” in Samoan, means “Shriveled-up Monkey Penis.”
Commercials. Really gross fans with lots of piercings wait in line to see Ashley. I guess this was technically part of RAW, but shut up.
CAN I BE A FEY ELVIN ARCHER WITH BIG BARBARIAN MUSCLES WEARING THE WARRIOR WOMAN’S SKIRT? is one half of Team Gauntlet. AS AN NES EXPERT I AM WELL AWARE OF THE CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING TENGEN AND IT’S NON-GAUNTLET UNLICENSED GAMES LIKE FANTASY ZONE AND TOOBIN is the other half. I have an ancient edition of Gamepro lying around that discusses that very issue. Or maybe it’s an Electronic Gaming Monthly. Their first opponents are WE TRAPPED CRYME TYME IN THEIR LOCKERROOM VIA FORKLIFT ON HEAT. I doubt this is true, but it would explain no one on RAW knowing where the Hell they are. Everyone brawls to start. I’m glad I didn’t predict who the champs would be facing, as I was expecting the shocking return of Nicky and Mikey, the shocking return of the other two Spirit Squadders who aren’t Kenny, and then a cage match with Haas and Viscera. Speaking of heel jobber teams, I hear the Heartthrobs are in TNA. That’s cool if it’s true. I’m in a hurry, so, Cena blind-tags himself in and pisses off HBK by making Haas (a submission wrestler) submit to the STFU (which is horrible) after about three minutes. THE TEXAS JOBBING CREW then come out and fight, hitting what I thought was the Sweet and Sour early on HBK but not even trying to cover. After another three minutes of whatever (sorry Cade and Murdoch, good luck next time you’re on RAW) Cena appears to be about to win with the F-U, but HBK superkicks the guy off of Cena’s shoulders. This pisses Cena off, but he covers for 3. Now the cage begins to descend and we go to break, waiting with baited breath to see who the third team to job to these lamos will be.
Commercials. Someone told me the Geico Caveman may be getting a series. I like the ads, but…no.
HBK and Cena are fighting YOU ARE PITIFUL AND UNSEXY AND WE WILL DESTROY YOU. MNM. It’s a play on something the villain of Gauntlet for NES used to say. Look, I’m tired, shut up. This is a steel cage tag match with tagging. I was about to say “gay,” but the Rock n’ Roll Express and the Minnesota Wrecking Crew had a pretty sweet one back in Geico Caveman times. Cena escapes MNM nastiness to tag HBK. HBK does a kneelift to take advantage of a Mercury Papa Shango (an Arn Anderson Shango) but eventually gets back body dropped into the cage. Nitro comes in to clubber and do the Nitro Aqua Rhapsody. Lawler is amazed that HBK and Cena are still standing (their matches with the other two teams totaled about six minutes.) Then he redeems himself a bit by praising Mercury for competing after his face ate a boat against the Hardyz. Nitro beats down HBK a bit, but misses a corkscrew moonsault and has to tag out. Stupid director goes to a replay just as MNM are trying the Shine Aqua Illusion, and we get back to full screen after Michaels has already escapes by punching Nitro away while still on Mercury’s shoulders. HBK then clotheslines Mercury, who is suddenly just as devastated as HBK. HBK tags in Cena (to boos) and clotheslines all the heels. Mercury tries to float out of the corner, but Cena catches him on his shoulder and rams him into the cage. Now Nitro gets tossed into the cage. HBK gets jealous, and comes in illegally, pulls Mercury up, and throws him into the cage. He points at Cena as he does so. Mercury gives us “out on his feet,” then drops to his knees, but Cena won’t let him go down and pulls him up and sends him into the cage to one-up (mushroom) HBK. Normally at about this time, the other four Sailor Scouts would show up, job briefly, and then Amy would transform during the commotion and figure out the monster’s weakness so she could sort of participate in defeating it. Cena takes Merc up for the F-U, HBK goes to superkick Merc, and Cena drops Merc. Nitro tries to attack, but MNM are as useless as any of the other jobber teams here. The cage is just pointless, as they could have had a stiff punching or body slamming contest either. Merc gets superkicked, then FUed for the win. The cage goes up and the other heel jobbers attack, but Cena and HBK defeat them all again within about thirty seconds. Then we get a really clumsy bit where Cena was supposed to be looking like he was going to hit HBK with a chair but actually went to hit Haas, but somebody’s timing was off because Cena had to wait in position to kill HBK for an eternity before Haas wandered in to die. What a complete mess. Why not just turn Cryme Tyme and the Highlanders heel and make them effortlessly beat five team while not trusting each other?
Commercials. Did the gods betray that God of War guy AGAIN? He really shouldn’t trust Aries/Mars. She says you can borrow her comics but then totally doesn’t let you.
Baby Lashley dreamed of growing up to be really wooden.
NOT REALLY THE RAINBOW WARRIOR doesn’t get called Rainbow Warrior, sadly. JR says “thee-ay-ers.” Then…Skittles. ON THIS DAY, I SEE CLEARLY, THAT I’M NOT DRESSED TO COMPETE. Lawler: “Street fight! Street fight! Street fight!” Edge gets a mic. Edge: “You know Jeff, I’d love nothing more than to beat the Hell out of you, and show you the pecking order in the Money in the Bank ladder match. But we’re in Washington DC. And it happens to be home of the Washington Redskins. And I’ll be damned, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna perform in a city that encourages such a racial slur against Native Americans! Shut up! However, I do have a friend of Indian decent, and he said he’ll take my place in this match tonight, and Jeff, Jeffrey, trust me, he’s not in a very good mood.” BIG CHIEF KHALI invades, because, hur hur, he’s an Indian. I like Edge’s new gimmick of “guy who calls everyone racist and never wrestles. Anyway, you know the drill, Jeff gets about one onezillionth the chance Umaga gives him to shine. It’s over in under a minute. Edge laughing at ringside doesn’t help. Oh wait, it’s technically not over, because Khali doesn’t cover after his finisher, he waits for the pyro and entrance of SEE NO GOOD MOVIE. Kane has his evil scary hook from See No Evil. Khali flees. Kane knocks over the announcers table. KILL LAWLER! JR: “I’ve seen plenty of evil!” Quit performing goat sacrifices, JR.
Trump asks the hair lady if Vince’s hair is real. Any potential humor is completely killed by the actress playing the hair lady being almost as bad as Trump.
Commercials. How is the Tom Cruise character from the Mission Impossible movies a “character,” USA? Oh wait, I just called him a character, crap.
Our newest Hall of Fame dude is Mister Fuji. He was pretty fucking hilarious in Demolition make-up. Lots of guys comment on Fuji and try not to mention that he’s pretty much a big negative stereotype.
Todd talks to CHURCHILL, PLEASE SUCK IT. He talks about his book and Billionaires and how he’s going to (already made) an awful appearance on ECW. NAKED PIERCING GIRL shows up and shows all the off-camera folks her Playboy spread and DAMN I’M A ONE NOTE CHARACTER I COULDN’T EVEN SUPPORT A CHARACTER ROAD TRIP comes in and says, well, you know.
A “hilarious” tale of the tape for Trump and McMahon claims McMahon’s nickname is “The Genetic Jackhammer” as opposed to, say, “M.C. Poopants.”
Vince talks to the annoying hair lady. Coach comes in and Vince yells about bald people. I think I hear someone applauding for some reason.
Commercials. Snoop Dog is in the Raw Fan Nation. Shit, he’s in the Pay Me Money To Mention Your Product Nation these days.
Our Just For Men replay is, rather fittingly, the Diva crap last week.
Up next, DIVA CRAP. I need to finish this and get to bed. It’s Melina vs Torrie Wilson, non-title, and it goes shorter than any of the Degeneration Cena tag matches before Melina wins with a roll-up. Torrie jaws at her, Melina kicks her, then all the Divas run in, and it ends with Melina fighting Ashley. Melina gets run off.
Edge finds Vince backstage, and offers to feed Orton to Lashley. Well, really, he says he knows Orton really wants to avenge Vince’s various humiliations by fighting Lashley on ECW. And if Orton doesn’t show up, he should be out of Monkey in the Bank. Vince agrees. No one asks how Randy feels. So sad.
Commercials. Modified Cavemen ads all over the place. I like the roleplaying one.
Next week on RAW, “Wrestlemania Reversal Night.” Shawn Michaels vs JBL (wha…who is he facing at Wrestlemania?) and John Cena vs Benoit. Great, two of my favorites from Smackdown (though JBL wrestling makes him much less of a favorite) jobbing their hearts out to the RAW assholes.
VINCENT KENNEDY MCVADER almost falls on his ass as he prances around the apron, hahahaha. He grabs the ropes for support and barely stays on his feet, then flips the fuck out and starts screaming at the fans who are laughing at him. Fantastic. Stone Cold almost fell the fuck over last week…I predict somebody will take a gorgeous spill on their way to the ring at Mania. Lawler: “He slipped! Woohoohoohoo!” Does this mean our main event tonight was Melina rolling Torrie up after two minutes of hair-pulling? Vince: “That’s real funny huh, you laugh at me!” He cleverly works this in by saying we’re going to end up laughing at Trump. The crowd what’s him. Vince: “Don’t start with that what crap.” They continue. Vince: “All right, if you’re a jerk from Washington DC, tell me…” and he sort of trails off. About a third of the crowd “what”s because the rest don’t know if he’s finished with his sentence or not. Vince: “Well that’s my point.” Went right over my head, sir. Vince: “What a bunch of jerks!” HEEEEEEEEEEEL. Blah blah blah, eventually he summons SHRIVELED MONKEY PENIS (w/HUHR HUHR.) After a ton of stalling to make it seem like Trump left, TRONALD DUMP comes out. He has Maria and Candice as arm-candy (couldn’t afford non-RAW arm-candy?) but they don’t get nicknames because Tronald Dump is already too funny for you omg. Trump has new, more generic “money money money money” theme music. Trump: “First of all Vince, your grapefruits are no match for my Trump Towers.” He has two penises? Two peni? Trump talks, mercifully for not that long, before ALL MANLY MAN MAN comes out. JR talked a lot about how manly he was there. Trump: “Hey Bobby.” Later: “We love ya Bobby.” Haha, that was weird. Vince, to Lashley: “Back off sonny!” This is just getting weird. The crowd cheers for Austin to come out and extend this mess by ten minutes. Vince signs. Trump signs. Everyone says that they are totally going to win. Vince makes stupid hair-cutting noises. Vince says all the celebrities support Vince shaving Trump’s head. Trump counters by saying all the celebrities support Trump shaving Vince’s head. Vince says the crowd is dumb. Trump says the crowd is smart. Not since the Lincoln/Douglas debates. THE SPECIALIST GUEST REFEREE EVER EXCEPT EUGENE comes out. Austin gets a mic. Austin: “If you think Vince McMahon’s gonna win this match and shave Donald Trump’s head, gimmie a Hell yeah!” What? Most of the crowd instinctively shouts “Hell yeah,” then boo when they realized what he asked, hahaha. Austin, or you drunk or something? Wow, I'm typing like I'm drunk. And I'm not. Now Austin asks the other way, and gets very slightly fewer Hell yeahs. Austin, to Trump: “You’re not gonna tell Stone Cold Steve Austin he’s fired because he don’t work for ya.” Good point. Then he talks to Vince for approximately twenty years. He messes with his tie. Austin leaves. Vince starts to leave, but Trump has a mic. Trump: “Hey Vince! Hey Vince! Hey Vince!” He shows some stupid Photoshops of Vince bald. Somehow, seeing this drives Vince into an insane rage. Trump calls Bobby “baby” some more. Vince sends Umaga back and heads for the ring to fight Trump. Trump sends Bobby away so he and Vince can fight one on one. Vince finally decides to go in. After another year of stalling. Vincent Kennedy Zybsykoykszkyo. Vince and Trump circle until Vince’s back is to the table. Vince takes off the coat and dances about but Trump just shoves him. Vince flips dramatically over the table. Trump’s music plays. He is THE NEW WIah forget it.
Final Thoughts: Cena/HBK talky segment. Orton beating Flair and Carlito. More talking. Cena and HBK beat every team ever. Eight-year-long segment with Vince fucking up half his lines and still being better than Austin and Trump. Throw in a Masterlock Challenge somewhere and a Khali squash, and my favorite match might have been Melina/Torrie which I skipped. RAW fucking sucked.
