AWESOME NEWS: Sorry. Mike Awesome has died. Apparently a suicide, which shocked me since I’d always respected the way he apparently saved up his WCW money and was therefore able to tell WWE to screw off when they low-balled him on his contract and just retired to a normal life. His death is like Bossman’s to me: intrinsically sad, because a human being has died, but also weird because 99% of my memories of him are completely retarded stuff. Like being comically upset when the Insane Clown Posse and Vampiro were fighting dudes on the roof oh his Partridge Family bus, or asking the “wardrobe lady” to make him pants that say awesome down this leg, and say awesome down this leg. But unlike Bossman, whose casket-riding greatness was all about Vince Russo being funny stupid instead of just stupid, Mike Awesome was capable of being awesome on his own when booked like an actual, you
know, badass. He could throw Spike Dudley around better than anybody. And he won over Joey Styles completely in the course of that One Night Stand match where the whole crowd wanted to lynch him. I am sad that he is gone. Now cracks an awesome heart. Goodnight, sweet 70’s guy. And flights of fat chicks sing thee to thy rest.
This is live from Bakersfield. Might that be Tom Bakersfield, hm?
I’m not sure how to spell “hm” there. Tom Baker has a very distinctive hm.
SOON TO BE UNCLE BALDO comes out. Hey, a barber pole. McMahon talks a lot. About what Trump has stepped in. Now it’s time for Jerichoesque Photoshop stupidity. We see Trump with Mr. T hair, Hogan hair, etc. McMahon: “Brother brother brother!” Oh, and Brittany Spears gets a shout-out for being insane and shaving her head. It’s sort of funny when Vince says “Kevin Federline’s former wife, Brittany Spears” like the only reason anyone would know who she is via Federline. McMahon introduces his Wrestlemania representative, THE GREAT KHA…OH, UMAGA, NEVERMIND. So yeah, Estrada is there too, but since McMahon does ninety percent of the talking in his storylines, Estrada is pretty much useless. What the Hell, McMahon spontaneously declares that Umaga is going to be the Intercontinental Champion, and drags out JEYUFF, NO, THAT IS SAMOA for a spontaneous defense.
Jeff and Vince have a “dramatic” staredown in the aisle. I sure hope Umaga doesn’t win this. Would they really give the guy who’s jobbing at Mania the IC Title?
Commercials. Psych is already hilarious, but in this new episode, man, it has MIDGETS!
I’ve never actually seen Psych.
We’re back, and Jeff is sorta running around confusing Umaga. Umaga ends up outside, and Jeff does baseball slide kicks and stuff. Jeff with a plancha, Umaga catches him, and Umaga goes to ram him into the corner…but Jeff slips out. Running around on the railing, but Jeff jumps into a punch. Back in the ring, and Umaga takes over with his normal boring offense. Headbutt. Elbows. Legdrop. Punch. Umaga kicks some. Umaga with some Vulcan nerve pinch variant. Haha, look at his shiny fronts. Jeff fights out, but gets clotheslined anyway. Umaga goes to the second rope, and goes for THE STUPID. Would have been a diving headbutt had it hit. Umaga now misses a corner charge, setting himself up for Whyspyr yn thy Wynd. It gets 2. Umaga takes back over when Jeff charges right into a Samoan Drop. Umaga sets Jeff up in the corner. Face Full of Poi…connects. He took forever setting
it up, so I could have sworn he was gonna miss. Samoan Spike, 1, 2, 3. Don’t they need matches for Mania? Why piss away an IC Title match? Eh. Umaga wears the belt on his shoulder because he is an ignorant savage.
Tonight, in a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match, ECW’s RVD vs Edge. Gee, wonder who’s winning that one. Also tonight, John Cena vs Orton for some reason, thought it’s not for Cena’s championship belt. John Cena wears the belt on his shoulder because he is an ignorant savage.
Commercials. Whathisname, the SNL guy whose movie career is actually going well, sings about his lady hump. Will Ferrell, that’s his name.
CACTUS JACK KEROUAC writes like two autobiographies a year. “Churchill had three autobiographies, why can’t I? Who did Churchill ever beat?” Well, there was the Third Reich, I suppose.
THAT CHURCHILL WAS AN UPPITY YOUNG PUNK is all fired up. Excited about Foley’s new book, no doubt. Here’s replays of Flair vs Carlito last week. And…uh, he’s teaming with WRITING BOOKS? THAT’S NOT COOL (w/BOOKS MAKE MY LOVELY BLONDE HEAD HURT) for some reason. Lawler tells us Carlito requested the team-up. Ric, did you learn nothing from your own betrayal of Sting? Their opponents are ARN ANDERSON AND BRIAN PILLMAN . It’s actually Cade and Murdoch, but who cares? Ric and Trevor start. Arm-wringeries and stuff. Tag to Carlito, who slingshots in. Carlito does a fancy springboard back elbow for 2. Carlito kicks him and does his kneelift and stuff. Murdoch attacks from the apron, Carlito knocks him down, but Cade attax from behind. Tag to Mudoch, who does bunches o’ punches. Murdoch sends Carlito into the corner and shoulderblocks him. Tag to
Cade, who…clubbers. Tag to Murdoch, who does a can-opener neck crank. Shades of Fat Fatry. How is Carlito suppose to betray Flair if Carlito is the one with the long heat segment? Carlito elbows out after an eternity. JR: “Where with it all.” Cade slams Carlito down, goes to the second rope, and goes for…the quasi-stupid, as he catches the boot that was meant for him. Murdoch tries dropping an elbow, which is stupid since Carlito was clearly playing possum, and of course Murdoch misses. Tag to Flair, who chops. Cade runs in and gets chopped too. Chop-block for Murdoch. Flair wants the Figure-4, but Cade is up top…Flair evades whatever and Carlito clotheslines Cade outside. The ref yells at Carlito while Flair low-blows Murdoch. Flair tags Carlito in, Arch Deluxe for Cade, and that gets 3. Torrie and Ric and Carlito are a happy, nonsensical family. Maybe he’s waiting to betray Flair at a payperview.
Commercials. “This is the Zodiac speaking.” Clearly not, as you’re totally saying things other than yes, no, bad, and friend.
Todd Grisham talks to the world tag team champions, THE WHIPS AND CHAINS GANG. Because they’re into Bashamian bondage sex, I guess. Oh, wait, that ppv match with Taker and Batista already happened? The RAW guys won. HBK and Cena pretend they’re about to fight, but instead they wackily do dueling DVD pimping for the DX DVD and The Marine. My Calculus class has me having to do derivatives all the time, and using the standard notation to write “the derivative of f of x with regards to x” involves writing DX way more than I’d like, given my druthers. Cena tells us The Marine has action, and HBK interrupts “Mine has action!” in a surprisingly funny, whiny way. Now, huh, FAT NAKED OILY GUY invades. Cena is disgusted. HBK superkick his own minion. Doesn’t seem fair.
ON THIS DAY, I SEE CLEARLY, THAT HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY… are watching on a monitor. They don’t seem to notice that they are now on camera. Edge points out that beating up Fat Naked Oily Guy is not exactly proof of HBK’s toughness. Edge now glosses over plot issues going into Wrestlemania, like the importance of Monkey in the Bank. Edge vs RVD tonight, in a Monkey in the Bank qualifying match. Orton just sort of stands there.
Commercials. Samuel L. Jackson in “Black Snake Moan.” I’m tired of all these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking moan.
Let’s watch a montage of historic bank monkeys. Edge won 2 years ago, RVD won last year, but one of them won’t even BE in the match after this qualifying match. I’ll give you a little hint: it’s RVD.
MAKE YOUR OWN STUPID FISH JOKE is out. JR has his weekly Skittles orgasm. His Skittasm. Where his Skittlecstacy reaches it’s peak. I HOPE ORLANDO HAS GOOD WEED is now out. Armwringeries to start. Why is that fan holding a Nacho Libre sign? RVD rolls Edge up and…gets a pretty loud “RVD” chant. Now he finally points to himself with his thumbs. Edge with a headlock, but he gets sent to the ropes. Edge gets a shoulderblock, but gets monkey flipped. Twice. JR calls him a “valedictorian and salutatorian of podiatry,” which is…odd. Edge bails. Let’s go to break.
Commercials. Another cartoon guy loses his hot cartoon bitch to a cartoon alien who hates cartoon weed.
Who will stop Snitsky’s path of ECW rage? Apparently not the two jobbers who put over La Resistance. Because La Resistance are back, I shit you not.
We’re back, and RVD is doing some fancy armbar. JR talks about RVD’s skillful use of his “powerful legs.” More twisting Edge’s arm. What is RVD’s problem with the vampires anyway? Edge goes to the eyes eventually. Whips are reversed, Papas are Shangoed, and it all ends with Edge taking a spill to the floor. RVD gourdbusters Edge across the security railing, then does his legdrop off the apron bit. RVD tosses Edge back into the ring, checks to make sure the fans are appreciative, and heads back in. Edge kicks RVD’s face off as he reenters the ring, then neckbreakers him as RVD’s legs are still caught up in the ropes. Edge mocks the thumb-pointing. Another neckbreaker, but a cover only gets 2. Ninja chokeout by Edge. RVD fights out. They trade some punches. Edge gets sent into the corner and fancy kicked, but RVD is too devastated to cover. Edge and RVD trade punches, and
RVD does a gay, hoppity punch to take over. Clotheslines and fancy kicks from RVD. Edge charges RVD, but gets kicked. Rolling Thundarr attempt, but nice, Edge pops up and powerslams him for 2.9999. Edge puts RVD up top (stupid) and tries a superplex. “RVD” chant, and indeed, RVD shoves him off and Edge crotches himself on the top rope. Fancy flying kick off the top on the rope-straddling Edge, who falls out to the floor. RVD with a slingshot plancha on Edge. Sending Edge back in, going up top, and THE STUPID as Edge dropkicks him on the way down. Edge covers for 2.9 again. Edge tries the spear, but RVD leapfrogs and Edge Angleizes himself. Edge tries to ram RVD into the top turnbuckle, but that never works as RVD blocks and kicks. Split-legged moonsault, and it gets 2. Both of our commentators are shocked that it didn’t get 3, even though it never gets 3. After some more
running around and floating out of corners and stuff, Edge tries a straight kick (none of that gay stuff) but RVD catches it and gives him the Money Clip. RVD is going up top, but BLANDY BORTON invades. Yeah, it’s a lazy nickname, but I’m really, really tired of Orton. RVD comes off the top and kicks Orton instead of Five Snowflaking Edge, but Edge uses the distraction to spear him for the win. Better match than I expected, though I should have expected decent things from these two I guess. Edge rolls out of the ring to be in union with his beloved Randy. Haha, a special Wrestlemania graphic telling us Edge has qualified for Monkey in the Bank pops up, and it appears to be telling us Edge is “All Grown Up Edge.” Randy helps Edge up and it looks way too much like spooning.
Later tonight, Cena vs Orton. So Edge vs RVD is a pretty safe bet for match of the night.
Commercials. Another Ratchet and Clank game? Seriously?
Our Skittles Orgasm of the Week is Nitro and Melina winning for once.
DID YOU SEE THAT I TOTALLY WON ONCE is out, with paparazzi, but no Nitro. Jr says “wardrobe malfunction.” Let it die, guys. THE GREATEST WOMEN’S CHAMPION SINCE THE LAST ONE is out. This is for the Women’s Title. Circling to start. Tie-up, and they go straight to hair-pulling. Mickie tosses Melina around a bit. Melina does a hammerlick, but gets elbowed in the face. Haha, “hammerlick.” No Freudian slip, the i and the o are right next to each other. Lawler doesn’t know what “consternation” means, and calls JR and idiot. Melina gets pissed and kick the bottom turnbuckle. JR: “Melina is just, basically evil.” Always sacrificing goats. And using their hides to make barbarian booties. Melina and Mickie fight back and forth, and Mickie dropkicks Melina right in the face. Dropkicking her out of the ring. Now she wants a baseball slide dropkick, but nice, Melina
grabs her legs and yanks her out of the ring. Back into the ring, and Melina is throwing knees to the back. Hair beal. Melina covers for 2. She slams Mickie’s face into the mat. Grapevining the leg…is she going for that new finisher she only used once? No, she just pulls the hair a bit and then releases. More stomping by Melina, but Mickie fights back, mounts her, and does bunches of punches. Melina reverses, but Mickie reverses the reversal. Hair beal by Mickie. Throwing some knees at Melina’s face. Melina punches back, but eats a Louise Thesz Press. Melina sends Mickie to the corner, but charges into an elbow. Mickie wants to rana Melina from her perch on the top rope, but Melina grabs the ropes and Melina ranas herself. Jacknife cover, and…wow, Melina wins the title, clean! The paparazzi materialize to photograph her. Nitro is nowhere to be seen. Lawler: “Oh look at
the smile on that beautiful face and now that, oh that lucky championship belt wrapped around that…” JR: “All right.” Lawler: “…trim little waist and those…” JR: “Ok.” Lawler: “…thighs are heaving and oh…jump up and down! With joy!” I hope Melina is able to enjoy her Tivoed copy of the biggest win of her career despite Lawler completely perving it up.
Commercials. Stack ‘em high, tough guy! Hooooooooooooo! *gets killed by Eugene*
Todd Grisham tries to interview Mickie James, who smacks him. Other divas are there too. Besides Mickie and Todd.
IT MAKES SENSE I WAS FOOLED BY THE LAND OF FICTION’S HALLUCINATIONS BUT I DUNNA KEN HOW ZOE WAS THAT STUPID are the Highlanders. Who get one convoluted Jamie nickname to share. Well hey, they started out in the ring, probably fascinated by Todd’s getting slapped on the Stupidtron, so it’s more than they deserve. Another thing they deserve is to be beaten up by VINCE MCMAHON LOVES UMAGA MORE THAN HE LOVES ME *SNIFFLE*. Why am I hating on the Highlanders anyway? Robbie gets tossed and Rory gets headbutted. Rory comes back in and clubbers, but gets no-sold and clotheslined. Robbie tries stuff and is also no-sold. Khali’s hands are compared to frying pans. Robbie gets tossed. Rory gets chopped. This is the darkest moment in Scottish history since Edward Longshanks brought a bunch of no-selling Bangladeshi guys in to destroy Aberdeen. Uh, Khali wins, eventually. Lawler says “speaking of car wrecks” as an Orton/Cena graphic comes up, which is awesome.
Commercials. Zoe really should have realized the hallucinations were a trap, you know.
We’re back. Here’s the cast of “Grindhouse” for some reason. Here’s shots of the barber pole again. Here’s replays of the stupid opening segment.
BOY I REALLY STUCK IT TO EUGENE LAST WEEK HAHA HEEEEEL is talking to HEY COACH LET’S HAVE A SPIRITED DISCUSSION HAHA SPIRITED GET IT? Not sure why. BIG TALL HORRIBLE GUY stops by. He yells something. Coachman: “Did you just say that you want better competition?” Khali: “YES.” He leaves. The answer? Vladimir Whateverhisnameis. EAGER BEAVER chooses now to say “damn” for no reason.
Beavers build dams, you see.
Here’s…footage of Ashley’s Playboy thing. The cover unveiling, not her vagina.
SOME GUY tries to interview I’M THE WOMENS CHAMPION OH NO I’VE BEEN DEMOTED, but I’M RIGHT HERE TOO LIKE UHH-UHH invades to be happy. Melina now bitches to the interview dude about Ashley. Great, there’s your Women’s Match at Mania now.
It’s time for another Hall of Fame Dude. It’s Mister Perfect. The highlight video has more stuff from his own wacky highlight reel of catching touchdown passes and stuff than his actual career, but that’s fine with me. Haha, the Genius sneaks into the background of a few shots. Mr. Perfect receives mad props from Larry “The Axe,” Edge and Ric Flair. Who I guess forgave him that whole “slamming Ric’s head in a cage door repeatedly” thing.
Commercials. Did the warriors of ancient Sparta really look that gay? This is like Reign the Conqueror all over again.
Our Wrestlemania Recall is Hulk Hogan, Mister T, and Liberace. I think.
DAD, EVER GET THAT NOT SO MELODRAMATIC FEELING? is out for our main event. “360 OTC” is the “Official pain relief of Wrestlemania.” THE OFFICIAL PAIN IN JG’S ASS (huhr huhr) is John Cena, YOUR WWE Champion. Unless he’s the World’s Champion. Cena backs Randy into the corner. They break clean, lock back up, and Orton forces Cena into the corner and cheapshots him on the break. Stomping by Orton. Randy: “Who’s this guy, huh?” What, can’t you see him? Cena takes over with the Imperfectplex. JR: “Shades of a…sort of a modified Perfectplex.” Randy gouges the eye and does some European uppercuts, but Cena takes over with a hiptoss. Elbow drop for 2.Cena whips Orton to the corner, misses a charge, and gets clotheslined down…for 2. Jesus, one of these guys could breathe on the other, and they’d get a long 2 out of it. Something happens, Orton goes outside, Cena follows
him and sends him back in, and…they clothesline each other. Orton rolls out of the ring again. He…gets a chair. And…we go to break.
Commercials. Some new horror flick with some house that kills people. By failing to diagnose Lupus.
I suppose this would technically be a ppv quality main event if the title was on the line, but it would be a really bad ppv. We’re back, and…they’re still fighting. Cena goes for some flying shoulderblock bullshit, and Orton evades. Randy with a DDT on Cena, who is tied up in the ropes. JR: “Modified DDT!” It gets 2. Kneedrop by Orton. Garvin Stomp. Kneedrop. Orton covers for 2 again. Orton with a side headlock. JR’s mic dies. Excellent. Crap, it’s back. JR: “Controlling John Cena’s head!” He has his jewel. Jesus Christ, they’re been working this headlock for forever. It’s nice of them not to show up Edge and RVD by having a match that, you know, doesn’t suck. Cena powers out, but gets punched down, bah. Cena finally starts no-selling and punching Orton out. Clotheslines a’plenty. Shoulderblock. Cena ducks a swing and gets that one move he does. YCSM, FKS, Marine
Salute, F-U attempt, but Orton gouges him in the eyes. Dropkick by Orton, who…goes up top? Crossbody by Orton, but Cena rolls through and gets 2. Randy pops back up and hits the RKB. Stalking Cena for the RKO. RKO attempt, but Cena pushes him off. F-U attempt, but…CAGE THE ELDER runs in and Spearz Cena. Going outside for some steel chairs. But here comes MINE HAS ACTION! HBK’s not actually here yet, I’m just saving time. Ok, here he is. Chairshots for all the heels. Cena sees HBK with a chair and falls on his ass comically. Cena doesn’t trust him. Can’t truss it. Here come the drums.
Final Thoughts: The short week between RAWs left me with no interest in this at all, even if Edge bumped around like a pinball for RVD.
