I AM A BAD PERSON: Filmcans linked me to some “sobering” pictures of a war veteran with severe facial burns getting married, enjoying drinks with his friends, etc over AIM. After completely misunderstanding and thinking Filmcans took them, and then fixating on who did take them why someone was taking pictures of the burn victim trying to enjoy himself at all, I chilled out, realized some friend of the guy’s had taken the pictures with no ill intent, and decided to consider the photos on their own merits. They were not literally sobering, but they should have made me think hard about what this guy had sacrificed and how noble it was that he was getting on with his life. Instead, my first thought was “If Kane had looked like this when he ditched the mask, that whole angle would have worked a lot better than it did.”
The airdates listed above refer to when this aired in America only, because I’m Americaaaaaaaan, Maaaaaaade. I got the red white and blue runnin’ through my veins. I was born and raised in the US of A. I’m government inspected I’m US Grade, if you mess with the flag it’s like a…wait, I was born overseas on a technicality. Sorry, Hulk Hogan’s WCW theme music.
I thought this started at nine, so I didn’t tape the beginning. Lucky for you (not so much for me) I got paranoid and checked USA at a few minutes after 8, realized this was on, and got a tape rolling. I’m pretty sure all I missed were the entrances for our dueling millionaire douchebags.
For our purposes, already in the ring are STARFIRE’S FAVORITE RICH MAN, THE DONALD and PANTS POOPING JOKE #2347. I’m sorry, but the man once cut an intense promo all about shitting himself and I’m not letting it go. The first thing my tape records is Trump yelling: “They said I wore a hairpiece!” Lawler: “WHAT!?” Trump: “I don’t wear a hairpiece!” Trump is in the middle of challenging Vince to a hair vs hair match. Vince teases being all excited, then says no. Boo. Vince starts to leave as Trump shrugs expansively. I happen to know from reading recaps that Trump challenged Vince one-on-one (ugh) and then changed it to a representative versus representative, hair versus hair. Trump wackily says the fake Rosie from a few weeks ago was way too pretty to look like Rosie O’Donnell. Vince…spontaneously starts laughing and declares that the match is on. Wait…what?
Why? Trump’s music, which has the word “money” in it a lot, plays. JR: “The battle of the millionaires, AND their hair!” Shades of the return of Super Porky, AND his ham.
Commercials. Seeing a little bit of it “live” before I got the tape queued up, I thought Trump was less incoherent than usual. Or more coherent, if you prefer. But since I’m pretty sure he was supposed to have said something to change Vince’s mind, and Vince instead just spontaneously accepted the match, I’m guessing Trump screwed something up. Though this is Vince “Smacktown is part of WV” McMahon we’re talking about.
OUR DOGHOUSE HAS A CEILING MIRROR OVER THE BED are out. Lawler asks if these two are married, for some reason. Oh, it’s to set up a lame one-liner. CRAZY SEXY COOL are Supes and Mickie James. Haha, Mickie completely fucks up sliding into the ring. Mickie and Melina catfight early, and Nitro and Super Crazy have to separate them. Hahaha, Melina is about to crawl over Nitro’s head to shred Mickie. Nitro kicks Supes to take over. Running around, shoulderblocking, posing. Supes takes over by leapfrogging and monkey flipping and doing other animal moves. Ten count punchalong in the corner, but Melina has run around ringside to kill Mickie. This distracts Supes enough for Nitro to hot-shot him. Nitro with fancy flying kickeries. Here’s his neckbreaker, a tribute to Rick Rude, or possibly Joey Mercury. Sexy breakdancing elbow. Melina distracts the ref so Nitro can
shove Super Crazy into Melina, and roll him up (with a handful of tights) for a long 2. Supes comes back with a springboard rana anyway. Tag to Melina, who hahaha, rushes up to try and take out Super Crazy. Supes blocks her kick and waits for Mickie, who is now legal, to come in and clothesline Melina down. Tossing Melina around by the hair a bit. Melina reverses a whip, but Mickie ducks whatever and gets a Louise Thesz Press. Signalling for whatever her finisher is, but Nitro is in. Supes kills Nitro, though, and sends him out of the ring. This still distracted Mickie, however, and Melina is fighting back, but…she gets tossed. The completely incongruous faces pose on the inside, then do a double baseball slide. Both chicks back in, and Melina wants an…airplane spin? The camera is more interested in Nitro ramming Super Crazy into the corner post. Back in the ring, whatever
Mickie wanted didn’t happen, as Melina slips out, slams her head into the mat, and rolls her up. Handful of panties (oh how I envy her duhr-hurh) and Melina gets the win. JR: “Melina and Nitro win it! And for those that thought Nitro and Melina were on some sort of a losing skid, I guess that rumor can be put to rest!” Hey, I was just repeating what the other internet retards were saying. If I was really wrong, I’m glad to have been wrong.
Last week on RAW, I wrote about this already.
Wow, this rehash segment is still on.
Commercials. Sign to me, Snickers guy.
Jeff Hardy is on a not-so-shockingly gay RAW Magazine cover.
Last time this battle was waged, lives were changed forever. The world witnessed carnage on a scale once thought impossible. This time, they’re not gonna hold anything back. It’s INDIAN VS RETARD 2: THE HERETIC. I was gonna go with “Electric Boogaloo” but I always use that for sequels and it deserves a rest. Eugene is actually out first, running around being happy. The heel turn never happened, people, I don’t know what you’re talking about when you mention him leaving Duggan in a pool of his own blood. Lawler: “Here’s a guy that could afford to have his head shaved!” Eugene is worth more money than Trump and McMahon combined, obviously. Eugene is stunned when Khali comes out, because no one on RAW ever thinks to ask who they will be facing. Well, at least Eugene probably doesn’t. JR claims Coach made this match. As part of the Coach/Eugene feud that DOESN’T EXIST.
Eugene offers Khali a doll, but Khali shoves him down. Khali no-sells some retardfense. Another shove. Clothesline. Clubber. Yell. JR: “An overwhelming favorite to literally annihilate Eugene before our very eyes!” Maybe, but if he doesn’t do it, you can win big money in the “Who will literally annihilate Eugene before our very eyes?” pool. Lifting choke bomb, one-foot pin, 123, let’s move on. Replays. Did Khali used to have a beard? He cleans up nice.
Piper will appear tonight. Whoopdie. Here’s a graphic for a Shawn Michaels interview, which I am even less excited about. What kind of show puts up a “going to break teaser” graphic for an interview with someone who gets at least one talking segment on every show?
Commercials. Some hick tries to sell appliances to other hicks by talking about NASCAR but not actually paying for a sponsor.
Ashley in Playboy, tonight. Says this graphic.
ASHLEY IN PLAYBOY WHO CARES *SNORT* has been the subject of some gay jokes in the past, or so I’ve heard. He also has a horse face. Maria is interviewing him, like you care. HBK ignores her to pretend to talk to Hunter on the phone. Then he shows a DVD of “The New and Improved DX,” which is available and only has material from the newest incarnation so what the fuck didn’t they include to get a whole DVD’s worth of material. Christ. He tells us about his various Wrestlemania’s, including the one where he has “a career-ending injury.” Yes, he said it, with no sense of irony. Now he yells about stopping shows and maining events.
I ONCE STOPPED A MINSTREL SHOW BECAUSE IT WAS OFFENSIVE TO QUASI-HORSEMAN BUTCH REED is being interviewed by Todd Grisham, who luckily does not pretend to be all HOTT for Ric like Maria did last week. Gross, man. Grisham asks about last week and Carlito. Ric: “Lame. Lame.” Here’s a replay of almost all of the promo. HEY MAN, APATHY IS THE DEFINITION OF COOL invades. Carlito: “I believe you owe me an apology. Cause what you said last week, was not cool. I’ve had a whole week to think about what you said, and let me tell you something, when you said that about Carlito, you were definitely wrong.” Flair: “You think because you’ve had a week to think about it, I’m gonna change my opinion? You walk around here like half the locker room! All the ability in the world, all the God-given gifts, you’ve got everything going but one thing! No guts, and no heart! (uh,
that’s two things) I’ll stand my ground on that!” Carlito: “You think Carlito has no heart! You think I have no passion! I’ll show you I have heart! I’ll show you I have passion! And the only way to do it is to challenge you, Ric Flair, to a match, tonight! I’ll show you passion!” (Haha) Flair: “You’ve been walking around here for two years with your head between your legs on your tip-toes, you know what, you just stood up, and you’re walking on your feet! (Huh?) You know what, let’s do it! WOO!” Ric leaves. Carlito angrily eats an apple.
Commercials. Shouldn’t Steve-O from MTV’s Jackass be doing ads for, um, MTV’s wrestling show?
ABLE TO LEAP ONTO TALL PENISES IN A SINGLE BOUND is Jeff Hardy, who is doing some superhero flying pose on the new RAW Magazine cover. Unless it’s WWE Magazine now, I don’t know. Lawler: “I love the King!” GOODNIGHT, STAY PINK, SOFT AND OILY isn’t really a Manos joke so much as a joke from the short Manos was packaged with, but it still applies. Please be short, this match. I don’t care who wins since it’s non-title. Masters sneak attacks and punches. Masters now runs afoul of the old low-bridge trick and goes outside. Jeff with goofy kicks through the ropes, then a dive to the floor. Masters is sent back in for the punchalong in the corner, but Masters gets out with…a powerbomb? Huh. It gets 2. Lawler calls it a powerslam because Lawler is an idiot. Masters does clubbering and stuff. JR makes fun of Masters for being dumb. Back body drop by Masters. Ninja
chokeout by Masters. Lawler talks about how smart Masters is. Jeff does his goofy jawbreaker to take over, then some clotheslines. ELUM kick by Jeff. Jeff is sent to the corner, Masters charges in, Jeff goes up, but Masters takes his legs out of his legs to crotch Jeff on the top. Pulling him out of the corner with the Masterlock. Jeff tries to kick off the ropes to put Masters in a pinning predicament, but it doesn’t work. Jeff gets to the ropes, the ref makes Masters break, and…why didn’t he have to break before when Jeff touched the ropes? It doesn’t matter, as Masters tries to suplex Jeff in, but Jeff turns it into a sort of sunset flip for 3.
Commercials. Don’t smoke weed or an alien will get your girl. Though really, the girl doesn’t fall in love with the alien until he turns down the offer of a toke, so maybe you should just bogart your weed when aliens are near.
Lawler introduces WWE Hall of Famer I CAME HERE TO HAVE CANCER AND TO KICK ASS AND I’M ALL OUT OF CANCER. I think I sort of complimented and cracked on him at the same time, there. Haha, some fans in Insane Clown Posse get-ups (including a little kid!?) are thrilled to see Hot Rod. Piper: “It’s nice to be home. Portland Oregon is a place of class. And now! For my honor to be here, we’re talking about class! We’re talking about, Wrestlemania! Yes sir! And we’re talking about, the first person to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, WWE, 2007!” Uh, ok. Here’s a Dusty Rhodes montage, so, I imagine it’s Dusty Rhodes. We hear, in montage, from Ric, Arn, Dusty, and…uh, Triple H. Huh. THE SON OF A PLUMBER was the son of a plumber. And in all fairness, I must say that he is still in wrestling shape. Heh. He actually looks a bit skinnier than he did in his prime.
Lawler: “What a career this man has had!” JR: “If you weel!” Ah, the Hell with it, I love Dusty. Screaming “Tony” a million times in a row before Stevie Ray made it hip with his Blackness. Dusty: “I am humbled to be in this building, I am humbled to be in, Mr. Piper’s Pound (?) I am humbled to be in the presence of Rowdy, Roddy, Piper!” Cheap pop. Dusty: “Dis is a celebration of life, a celebration of livin’, it makes me wanna, you know, make my back crack, my liver quiver, my knees freeze, if you don’t dig this mess, you at the wrong address, while all the rest in the back laughin’ and jokin’, Piper’s out front cookin’ and smokin’ jack.” Is smoking jack a drug reference? Oh Christ, THE SAMOAN INTERRUPTION MACHINE (w/YOU JUST GOT UMAGA’D invades for some reason. Staredown, then Piper starts to leave, but it’s just to distract Umaga so Dusty can attack. JR: “The
American Dream…becoming proactive!” At least he’s some kind of active HEYO!!! Going for the flip-flop-fly, but Umaga chops him in the throat. Beateries. Piper comes back in after Dusty ate the Face Full of Poi and tries a chairshot, but it gets no-sold. Samoan Spike for Piper. Christ, will they ever accept that Umaga is a horrible top-card heel? Samoan Spike for Dusty. JR: “Desecrate is a perfect word!” You can use it in any situation. Like, Mom, can I be excused to desecrate?
Commercials. BoDog Fights reluctantly admits the US team is facing Russia, and not the Soviet Union.
We’re back, the replays of the disgustingness of that disgusting insult to the non-disgusting Dusty Rhodes.
CARLITO CARIBBEAN CRANKY is here, with his blonde but who cares. WOO, I’LL BE THERE TO HELP IN A MINUTE GUYS, WOO is probably only now reaching the ring after starting a mad dash to help Dusty and Piper before the break. JR: “(Ric’s) remarks to Carlito resonated with me.” Yes, you too are lazy and spoiled, JR. Carlito attacks, muscles Flair into a corner, and has to break. Flair gets Carlito in the corner and SLAPS him. Carlito forces Flair into the corner and delivers repeated shoulderblocks, but Flair gets out and chops him. Carlito whips Flair into a corner and back body drops him on the rebound. Cover for 2. Dropkick, and a cover for 2. Another cover for 2 by Carlito. Looking for a vertical suplex…gets it, for 2. Another cover. Carlito, master of PASSIONATE PINFALLS. Carlito throws elbow jabs in the corner. Stomping away on the crazy old man. Who isn’t
Bob Backlund. I haven’t seen any TNA since Backlund shows up, which sucks. Backlund made an appearance on the JG Comp Tape, in case you missed it. Carlito with…another cover. Carlito wanders into some chops, but punches back. Carlito kicks and clubbers away, but gets put in the corner and chopped some more. Carlito reverses a whip, does one of those dropkicks that devastates you if it misses, and misses. Flair chops. Ric sends Carlito to the ropes, and elbows him down. Punches and chops by Flair. Maybe it’s because I like these guys and liked the promos, but the brawl here seems pretty intense. Flair gets sent to the corner, bounces out, and gets dropkicked in the back (you totally could have Arch Deluxed him there, Carlito.) Carlito wants the Arch Deluxe now, but Flair holds the ropes. Carlito is down, Flair covers…looking to put his foot on the ropes but he’s out of
position. Oh, my, God. I just got done praising this and then they completely fuck up the finish, because Flair gets 3 while frantically flailing his boot around trying to get the ropes. JR tries to put over Carlito’s passion. Carlito teases attax, but offers Ric a hand. Ric takes it. BFF. Carlito leaves, looking sort of…sad. I hope this isn’t the start of one of those “so-and-so is on a losing streak, can he turn it around” storylines that never ever goes anywhere.
Commercials Jesus Christ, the new DX set is 3 DISKS LONG and all it has is stuff from last year. Flair’s entire career only got 3 disks.
WE’RE TOTALLY NOT GETTING JOBBED OUT YOU SMARKS do an odd backstage bit where they stand around the interview area wondering where the media coverage is. Um, well, we wouldn’t be able to see you if there wasn’t a camera running. Melina: “Nitro, whose more important than me?” Kanyon?
ASS-LEE HUHR HUHR is Ashley, who is not only still with the WWE, but also is going to be on the cover of Playboy for some reason. Oh wait, I get it, Melina asked who is more important than her, and they cut to Ashley. Ha. Didn’t get it “live” and nobody else in the world seems to tape and rewatch RAW so I’d have to say that didn’t work. Anyway, Ashley introduces a montage of her Playboy shoot, including comments from some pretentious nudie photographer. I mean, he’s not nude, but you know. Ashley: “What’s I’m trying to accomplish here is to do something hot and sexy but at the same time to keep the tough Ashleyness going.” Die. DAMN YOU GOT SOME NICE TITTIES comes in and says “Damn.” Ashley (giggling annoyingly:) “Ron, you’re crazy!” His name is a reference to Dave Chappelle on the old Dr. Katz show. Because I knew of Dave Chappelle before he was cool. That
makes me the most hip, in-the-know person on the planet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to return to my fanfic in which Sailor Mars and Perpugilliam Brown trade places for a day.
I’m not really writing a fanfic, of course. Too busy rebeaking MISTER VENNEDY PENNEDY, which is my name for the team of MVP and Mr. Kennedy Kennedy. Clever, no? No. IF ONLY WE WERE RATED MVP wander in. Randy welcomes the Smackdowners to the A-show, they take offense, and Edge has to calm the situation by reminding everyone how much they all hate babyfaces. Oh, I forgot to mention we’ve been seeing graphics for a special 8-man tag pitting Cena, HBK, Taker and Dave against Randy, Edge, MVP and Kennedy tonight. With so many guys in it, how can it possibly suck? Right? Right?
Commercials. The Marine is the top-selling DVD in America? Damn it. Thank you SO MUCH DVD buyers. It’s probably going to get a fucking sequel now.
Earlier tonight, irritating wealthy folk. Trump: “I’m here to challenge you to a match, in Wrestlemania!” I’m here to challenge you to learn how prepositions work. Vince tells us all he has a broken coccyx. We need the old DX back, King!
THE HEARTBREAK ANIMAL PHENOM IS HERE are the 8-man tag team of Batista, HBK, Taker, and Cena, introduced separately, in that order. It takes forever, as you can imagine. I could swear Cena actually got the best pop, but I’m not winding back to check. Their opponents are MELODRAMATIC VOUCHE POSE. Hahahaha. It doesn’t incorporate Kennedy or Edge at all, but fuck them. Though Kennedy, who came out first, did an awesome job of looking like HBK, Batista, Cena and Taker were all, as one combined unit, still beneath his dignity. After an entire segment of entrances, we go to break.
Commercials. I (part 2 of) kinda like MVP’s music, actually. I think he debuted as an in-ring guy like two seconds after I switched to RAW. Why did I switch to RAW, again?
We’re back with clubbering by Randy, but Orton takes over with a kick and an Imperfectplex. Orton with a hiptoss and a slam and an elbow and…he gets gouged in the eyes. Tag to Kennedy, who clubbers until Cena punches free and tags Taker. Taker does about a million armwringers before Randy charges, gets back body dropped, and prompts Taker to do Old School. MVP breaks up the cover. Taker tags HBK, who…does stuff. Chops in the corner on Kennedy. JR: “He’s got that…renewed heartbeat that he’s always been known for.” Kennedy finally tags out to MVP, who Most Valuable Stomps HBK a lot. MVP sends HBK to the ropes, but he Most Valuable Shangos and gets neckbreakered. HBK sends him to the corner, charges in, and charges into an elbow. JR: “Stiff front-facelock by MVP!” Most Stiff Facelock. Tag to Edge, who punches, then stops to revel in being a million times more over than the
other heels. HBK gets an enzoogweeree somehow. He tags Batista, who kills Edge with clotheslines. Edge tries to float out of the corner, but lands on Batsita’s shoulder and gets strolling powerslammed. If Batista was Lashley, this would be OVER! Edge takes over when Batista runs into a boos, but Edge goes up top for THE STUPID. Now all the lesser heels run in to get spinebustered. JR tells us this match will continue, but Batista seems to be giving that idea the thumbs-down.
Commercials. I like “‘That looks delicious.’ ‘The taquito or the guy?’” now, but I’m sure I’ll grow to hate it in time.
We’re back with Batista doing a weird, strolly clothesline to Edge. Cena is tagged in to do his one move, and JR acts like one champ tagging in the other really means something. YCSM, FKS, and an F-U attempt, but Orton breaks it up by tagging Edge. Orton covers Cena a few times. I’m reminded of not being able to tell one from the other on Smackdown in the good old days of Mark Henry almost killing Chris Jericho with that one move. Taker breaks up a fall at some point, and MVP is in for some reason. Most Valuable Knees, Most Valuable Snapmare, Most Valuable 2 Count. Most Valuable Chokeout. This isn’t really funny, but it’s keeping me going. Cena powers out and backdrops MVP. Who was facing Cena, so it wasn’t a back suplex. I’m pretty sure they’re different moves. Maybe one of them is secretly a back body drop. Kennedy is tagged in to kick the shit out of Cena. Face Wash,
non-Samoan Style. Lawler: “Who ya gonna tag?” Ghostbusters? Maybe they could defeat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Orton is tagged in to dropkick and cover for 2. Punches by Randy. The crowd rallies behind Cena by chanting for the Undertaker. Randy charges into some elbow and boots, but clotheslines Cena down anyway. Tag to Edge, who has a habit now of stomping twice, then standing there looking psychotic. Weird modified ninja chokeout by Edge. Cena powers out, but gets clubbered. JR and Lawler continue to shill Wrestlemania opponents having to team together as completely new and innovative, which is just irritating. Cena and Edge clothesline each other. MY GAWD KING TWO PEOPLE EACH CLOTHESLINING EACH OTHER THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! Both men tag out, Kennedy and Taker come in. Guess who takers over. I’ll give you a hint, I said “taker.” Kennedy eats Snake Eyes and
a big boot after everyone else is killed. Wait, Randy and MVP tease getting double chokeslammed, but they fight out and…get double clotheslined. HBK tags himself in, and Taker is pissed. Macho Elbow on…I think Randy. Tuning up the band, but everyone in the world runs in. HBK ends up tuning up the band again, Orton ducks, Taker catches the kick, thinks it was meant for him, and goozles HBK. MVP attacks Taker (stupidly) and gets chokeslammed instead of HBK, because Taker is on some kind of catch and release program with regards to fagz. Orton now pushes HBK into Taker’s back, and Taker is sent to the floor. HBK ducks whatever from Orton and superkicks him…for 3. Shockingly, a Smackdown heel did not take the fall. But the story is that Taker is back in the ring, thinking HBK attaxored him. Goozle, chokeslam for HBK. Cena attacks Taker. Hey, HBK is your Mania opponent, moron.
Batista comes in, and…Cena attacks before Dave’s intentions are really clear. Cena eventually wanders into a Taker big boot, and Dave ends up giving Cena the Batistabomb. Dave’s music plays because he is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS 8-MAN TAG MATCH. Lawler: “Our RAW superstars have been laid wasted here!”
Final Thoughts: The main event was probably a blast for the live audience, but I can never get into a match with that many dudes where one pinfall decides everything. Other than the main event, which at least had a lot of crowd energy, every other match pretty much sucked on toast. They were all ludicrously short and either ended on a roll-up or involved Khali. Not a good RAW.
