I didn’t think to blog before getting the whole thing done, so you’re going to have to remain wholly ignorant of what I did all week while I should have been studying for exams.
We open with a video package about how Undertaker is scary and purple.
We’re in Sioux City, Iowa, so expect big things from Tatanka. The Sioux and the Lumpy were tight, man. Wait, he’s fired. And was a Smackdown guy. Still, they could bring him over for one night to job to Jeff Hardy. Fan sign: “Dead Man Walking.” DEAD MAN WALKING (VERY SLOWLY) very slowly walks to the ring. Lawler: “The Undertaker, making a raaaare appearance!” He was here last week. JR: “A man many call the conscience of the WWE!” Um, no, that’s just you. Unless Cole has been doing it behind my back. JR says Taker is near “seven feet.” Yeah, and Nash is eight foot four and Khali is over three miles high. Lawler: “Only the Undertaker knows for sure!” Isn’t that from Batman? So, yeah, Taker gets his full, ten hour entrance, then nothing. So, yeah, the Undertaker has a choice to make. THE WHITE CHOICE comes out, to cheers, because Iowa is not exactly known for being cool. THE MOST EXTREME EXTREMIST WHO EVER EXTREEEEEMED is Lashley. I still don’t “get” Lashley as an ECW guy, but then I just read Dusty Frickin’ Rhodes is being moved over to book ECW so who knows? Despite their best efforts, neither Lawler nor Ross make me even think for a tenth of a second that Taker is all about winning the ECW title. THE BEAST WHO LIKES YEAST is the Animal, Batista. And is also the most random, stupid nickname in a while. I’m going to avoid making jokes about his girl/boyfriend and yeast and whatnot here. Batista, it should be known, despite getting bashed all over the place for getting tepid reactions, seemed to pretty easily outpop Cena. And Lashley too, but come on. Maybe it’s just the music. He hops about goofily before doing the machine gun dance. Taker better fucking choose Batista, because otherwise months worth of Smackdown plotlines make no sense. Well, maybe weeks. Taker stares down each of the three in turn. As he looks into Cena’s eyes, I wonder if he has fond memories of that little sidecar. Now Bobby, now Dave, and yep, there’s the throat-cut for Dave. Dave holds the Smackdown title on high. The Conscience of the WWE has spoken. THE GAY LIBIDO OF THE WWE invades because he didn’t win the Rumble and DX is dead in the water so of course he gets to be in every important plot segment. HBK: “OH MY OH MY OH MY!” HBK notes that Cena has no opponent for Mania, but HBK is here “to help a brother out.” Get him, Lashley. THE MELODRAMATIC DOUCHEBAG OF THE WWE now invades. I wonder if he’ll even get to talk before Edge shows up. Ok, he does. He says he wants to fight for the title. Lawler: “Whoa!” THE FISHY EYES OF THE WWE appears. Lawler: “What in the world!” A few seconds later: “Edge? What does he want?” Death would be too merciful for Jerry Lawler. Edge reminds us that he too has never lost at Wrestlemania. Then he tells the fans to shut up. He always does that about fifteen seconds into any promo in front of the crowd, no matter how they’re reacting to him, and it’s oddly effective. THE IRRITABLE BOWELS OF THE WWE invades. Will he demand a title shot? No, he’s here to take a completely generic shot at Iowa, and then to talk about…Lashley? Oh yeah, Lashley’s still in there. Vince says Lashley may be the best champion in the ring, and Lashley smiles hilariously as the crowd boos. Vince wants someone from RAW to challenge him for the ECW title on RAW. Oh God, it’s not Khali, is it? Vince also books a three-way pitting Edge vs Orton vs HBK for a title shot at Wrestlemania. Vince: “I’m not gonna drop thousands and thousands of dollars, raining down on all you people!” The crowd boos. I think that makes a better end to his spiel than the actual one, so let’s pretend that ends it. Meanwhile, the ring has magically cleared of everyone but Batista and the Undertaker, who were rather forgotten by the end of all that. Devestatin’ Dave is neither a slave to fear, nor to turntables. He holds his belt up some more, but Taker just goozles and chokeslams him. Lawler: “Undertaker can’t, he can’t chokeslam…Batista like that! Look it!” JR: “The Undertaker, symbolizing that he will be the next heavyweight champion of the world by powerslamming Batista straight to Hell here on Monday Night RAW!” Some weeks, everything JR says makes me crack up. Dave is up before Taker makes it all the way up the ramp.
Commercials. More Skittles leakage.
Moments ago, thumbs crossed throats. Belts got lifted. For some reason, Taker does title-belt motions at nipple level.
Fan sign: “Torrie, get a real man.” I SPIT IN THE FACE OF MEN WHO DON’T WANT TO BE FAKE is out, with STILL IN MOURNING FOR HER DEAD DADDY DAWN MARIE KILLED, who is, uh…well, she’s wearing black. And not carrying Chloe. Clearly, she’s in mourning. YO WE ALWAYS BE WEARING BLACK are Cryme Tyme, who are African Americans. THE WORLD’S HAASTYLEST DRAGONS are also here, though their entrance is cut short by GET THAT CAT OFF THE PIANO. Everybody fights everybody to start. Please let Haas, Benjamin, and Carlito fight 99% of this match. Or maybe just Carlito and Shelton. A Cryme Tymer does stuff to Shelton, but Shelton knees him to take over. Lawler makes the old Penn State/State Penn joke for JTG. The hilarity of Drop-Dead Fred. Haas (who still has corn-rows, how apropos in Iowa) comes in. He belly2bellys the shit out of JTG, covers for 2, and tags in Masters. Masters clubbers. Elbow. Tag to Haas. Haas kicks, clubbers, then randomly knocks Shad off the apron. He wants something fancy, but JTG slips out and tags in Carlito. Carlito is a cabana afire. Springboard double back elbow for the WGTT. Running kneelift for Masters. Masterlock teased, but Carlito slips out. Shad clotheslines Masters to the floor, JTG drags Shelton out, and it’s Carlito and Haas in the ring. Carlito with some fancy rana on Haas. He rolls Haas up, but Shelton slingshots back into the ring like he do and Buff Blockbusters Carlito. Haas ends up on top…that should do it…yep.
Commercials. BoDog Fight St. Petersburg proves once and for all what I have long suspected: that the Cyrillic alphabet is just the Roman alphabet in a scary font with a few random letters turned backwards.
Oddly depressing piano music plays over a montage of Vince talking last week. Then Trump appears and gets this rockin’ guitar riff. This is just bizarre. Is this the beginning of a Tull song? Now we go live backstage to Vince talking to Coach. He calls “WWE” “WV” AGAIN. ln 20e is Kenny. Who is 20. The ln and the e cancel. Kenny wants to face Lashley tonight. Vince says ok. Because it makes sense for Kenny Dykestra to wrestle for the ECW title, because…uh…hey, look over there! *runs away* Haha, worry not folks, I’m not actually running away. Didn’t mean to scare you. Jesus Christ, this segment is still going, as Kenny leaves and Coach spontaneously produces a letter from Donald Trump. Trump is going to be on RAW next week, I guess. Vince says Donald will join the Kiss My Ass Club, and does absolutely nothing to explain how he’s going to make this happen.
SOME DUMB BROAD is going to interview JERRY LYNN STOLE MY DEPENDS. Maria is creepily into Ric. Ric is going to wrestle Jeff Hardy tonight, and if he wins, he gets a title shot at Wrestlemania. Wow, tough call. Jeff Hardy jobs to everybody, but Ric Flair jobs to everybody.
THE BACKSTAGE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMIN’! EVERYBODY WANTS TO WORK IN MARKETING HUHR HUHR is chatting with I KILLED CHLOE AND MADE HER INTO BARBARIAN BOOTIES. Candice: “So Melina, did you watch the Super Bowl game yesterday?” For some reason I found that really, really funny. Candice cleverly, discreetly fishing for compliments on her super bowl ad by just casually asking if Melina watched the biggest television event of the year. Now they sort of sarcastically compliment each other. Candice, ironically, has the bigger Melina Face. I HAVE A CROTCH is Nitro, who brightens my day by asking “What was that all about?” and sounding like a bigger valley girl than dubbed Sailor Moon. Nitro and Melina paw at each other and promise to win matches and stuff. Nitro: “You’re gonna be all like ooh-ooh and I’m gonna be right there too like uhh-uhh.” “Ooh-ohh” was in falsetto and “uhh-uhh” was in his grunty sexy voice. Johnny Nitro is the most awesomest ever. Mad props to Melina for keeping a straight face (straight Melina Face) throughout.
Commercials. The Esurance folks stop knocking boots for two seconds to flee some spies.
DUDE TEST AND I SHOULD TOTALLY TEAM UP AND BE TESTICLE BALLS is Balls Mahoney, best known to me as the guy who dealt the cards for Diva Strip Poker. Speaking of Test, I watch Firefly now on the HD channel, and one of the characters looks exactly like Test. Test in Space. Shades of whichever CYOA had Test’s planet in it. Also, the characters name is Jayne (whatta fag) but I misheard it as Jamie (which is at least sort of a guy name) so for a while I thought the crew had a Jamie and a Zoë. So anyway, Balls is in the ring for some reason. I don’t get “Balls.” Couldn’t Nunzio/Little Guido be substituted as an ECW Original for Vince to bury? Coach takes a break from his eternal quasi-feud with Cena to “hand-pick” an opponent for Balls. I HAND-PICK MY BOOGERS AND SMEAR THEM ON MY FACE IN SAVAGE FACE-PAINTING RITUAL (w/TOO EMBARASSED FOR WORDS) appears. JR assures us that he watches ECW every week. Balls attacks immediately, and of course it doesn’t work. Umaga does his usual crap. Lawler: “Extremely Crappy Wrestling.” JR: “Balls Mahoney’s no cruiserweight!” Ah, that answered my question about why Nunziguido isn’t involved in a storyline. Lawler: “I think Umaga’s just playing with Balls!” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I hate Lawler even more than I hate Mr. Mahoney. Face Full of Poi. Estrada, I think, yells “FOR SAMOA!” Many and varied are Ball Mahoney’s crimes against Samoa. Samoan Brother Runt. 1, 2, 3. Let’s see five replays apiece of everything Umaga did.
Commercials. Talking lions and Ricardo Montalban someone each fail to make me want to try Taco Bell’s newest crap. Haha, I misspelled Montalban in such a way that my spellchecker advised I go with “Ricardo Mountebank.” Doc Galaktik’s cousin.
Last week, Super Crazy somehow became the arch enemy of Melina.
Here comes THE HOLLYWOOD SEXING CREW. I once got about halfway through writing a smark attack column about the Anderson Clan in which I claimed Gene and Ole were Arn’s parents, and that young Arn was sired when they formed a Minnesota Sexing Crew. I may still have that column somewhere. This is actually going to be Nitro vs Super Crazy, I guess. Lawler: “You’re having hot flashes JR. That happens whenever Melina arrives on the scene.” Wait, what? Are you implying that Melina is menopausal? Lawler: “Many polyesters gave their lives to make that (Nitro’s) jacket.” Many Bothans died, too. Lawler is always forgetting the Bothans. WE ARE SUPER, WE ARE CRAZY, WE ARE ETC are Supes and Mickie James. I like how last week Super Crazy asked Mickie if she remembered when everyone thought she was crazy, but he really could have asked her if she remembered when she was crazy since she just sort of stopped being insane one week. Nitro kicks and clubbers to start. Melina screams. Nitro with a neckbreaker (a homage, perhaps, to the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody) for 2. Supes does some fancy roll-up after running around on the ropes, but Nitro gets out and backbreakers him. More screaming by Melina. Nitro does a modified ninja chokeout. Lawler spontaneously declares that Super Crazy is shaped like a bumblebee. What the Hell? Nitro wants a sunset flip, but Crazy does the traditional Mexican counter of rolling through and dropkicking. Melina distracts Crazy, who gets rolled up for 2. Now Mickie does the same to Nitro, whom Supes dropkicks. Twice. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Super Crazy. Lawler loses track of which bimbo is which. Scoop and a slam by Supes. He goes up, but Nitro catches him. The fans chant for Crazy. Supes elbows Nitro down and moonsaults him to death. Oh, bumblebees aren’t supposed to be able to fly, ok. Anyway, Supes wins. I read somewhere that Nitro and Melina are in management’s doghouse, because management always hates the awesomest people.
Commercials. A Nascar ad does a sort of modified “Who’s On First” that manages to be really, really not funny.
ECW ad. Full of Taker music. “Has the bell rung for Lashley?” Um, we established that Taker is facing Batista earlier on THIS VERY SHOW.
Melina and Mickie are in the ring, because I guess Mickie leaving and celebrating with Super Crazy was a clever con. Some fan holds up an inflatable green, big-eyed alien and I have to wonder if this is some sort of Sabin reference. The women tear at each other’s hair a lot. The fans are chanting for Mickie, which is…odd. Mickie does some arm…hold, and Melina counts by kneeing her in the face. Melina tries an arm thing, but gets sent to the ropes. They strike a quasi-Indy respect pose. Melina does arm wringers and kicks, but Mickie does a much sexier version of Owen’s armbar counter than Owen ever did. Melina gets kicked in the butt. Melina molests Nitro on the apron, then gets back into the match and hotshots Mickie. Kicks. Melina with a…really weird roll-up for 2. Clothesline. The fans are shockingly into this match. That or the audio guys need to chill out. Melina pulls on Mickie’s hair while sticking a boot in her back, then fucking kicks Mickie in the back of the head and drives her into the mat. Melina rules. Mickie fights her way back. Everyone hair-pull beals everyone. Even the ref. Even Nitro and Super Crazy. Mickie takes over with punches and clotheslines. Melina reverses a corner whip. Nitro coming over to do something, but Supes comes over and…the camera misses everything but Nitro lying around being devastated. Mickie ranas Melina out of the corner and covers for 2. This is, like, and epic for a women’s match. Melina ducks a clothesline, but gets kicked. Melina is down, but tosses Mickie to the floor. JR says “physical” like nine times. Mickie ends up on the top turnbuckle. Going for a super sunset flip, but Melina sits on it and grabs the ropes. The ref sees it, Melina releases with a bitchy shrug of protestation, and Mickie hooks the arms with her legs and finishes the move. It gets 3. I hate it when people kick out of hurricanranas and crazy violent kicks to the face, but then get pinned by some stupid pin reversal that wasn’t even preceded by an impact move. An impact move being a suicide dive, of course. Though I can’t fault TNA for flippityness in the era of Wrestling Society X and everyone in the world mass diving onto random objects that then explode in pyro. Wow, the cameras spend a long time showing us Melina and Nitro being pissed.
Backstage, WACKY MISMATCHED TAG PARTNERS are not Rated RKO. Cena drops by HBK’s dressing room to say “be safe out there.” What a fag. And when you’re in a scene with HBK and you come across as a fag, wow.
Commercials. Hahaha, little kids as WWE Superstars. Jim Henson’s WWE Babies. Somehow, Little King Booker isn’t quite as awesome as Baby Batista doing muscle poses while being impossibly skinny.
A SPECIAL INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION (nickname courtesy JR) is here. JR: “Growing up in North Carolina, you know Jeff Hardy idolized Ric Flair!” Are you sure he didn’t idolize Gorgeous George? Because, haha, he’s…gay. JR: “FRUITY, DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS, OH MY GOD THEY’RE FRUITY!” JR QUIT DISSING MY ROBES is Jeff’s opponent. Lawler mentions that Jeff Hardy loses constantly. “Hardy” chant? When he’s facing Flair? Huh. Jeff shoulderblock Ric down, then…applauds. Ric goes behind Jeff and shoves him into the ropes. Woo. Ric shoves Jeff. Jeff slaps Ric. Fighteries in the corner. Ric reverses a whip, Jeff does a fancy corner float-out, and…tweaks the knee. Ric with a chop block. Here’s some replays. Ric does a standing leglock…thing. Jeff gets up, hobbles about, and gets chopped. Ric with another standing leglock. “Hardy” chant. Lawler actually wonders if the ref will stop the match due to the massive damage to Jeff’s leg. Ric puts Jeff in the corner, drapes Jeff’s leg across the middle rope, and kicks. Ric with another leglock. Jeff does a modified version of the break-my-own-ankle counter to Kurt Ankle’s Anglelock. Jeff makes it to hit feet, Ric is still holding Jeff’s leg, and Ric woos as if to say “plz enzoogweeree me.” Jeff does. Long-delayed Flair Flop. Jeff comes back with his goofy jawbreaker. Ric gets back body dropped. Jeff with some elbows. Ric reverses a whip, but gets Whypyryd yn thy Wynd. Twist of Fate, and Jeff goes up top. Swanton, and Ric evades! Ric woos. Stomping on the leg. Going for the Figure-4, no, he struts first. Now he’s going for it, but Jeff small packages him for 3. Bleh. Well, I didn’t especially want Ric to win. He is like a million and Jeff is a reigning singles champion. Jeff applauds Ric. Ric teases attax, but shakes his hands and hugs him. For Ric, it’s hugz, not drugs. For Jeff, it’s both.
Commercials. The American Pie Trilogy. SEX WITH A PIE!? SIGN ME UP FOR AT LEAST TWO SEQUELS!
Todd Grisham interviews Batista. Dave’s totally cool with Taker chokeslamming him, because “Payback’s a bitch.” I like how Dave is totally not going to win but he still doesn’t give a shit.
I COULD BE THE YOUNGEST EVER ECW CHAMPION WHOOPDIE SHIT needs to try and break a better record than that. Younger than Justin Credible, WOW! I COULD BE THE WOODENEST ANYTHING EVER is out to prevent that from happening. I was worried about Khali, so it just goes to show what I know about WWE booking strategies. Lashley sets off pyro by jumping on the apron. JR: “Bobby Lashley is a bona fide stallion!” Now we…get ring intros from Lillian Garcia? Huh. ECW title graphic. If they’re this serious about pushing the ECW title as important and Lashley as a real champion, why the fuck is he wrestling Kenny Dykestra? Kenny tries punches, but gets shoved down. Dykestra with some more efforts at punching, but Lashley punches him out of the ring. He follows him out, throws him back in, comes back in, and…pushes him into the corner. Dramatically. Shoulderblocks. Kenny gets sent to a corner, tries to float out, but gets caught and tossed to the floor. Lashley follows him out, but Kenny dropkicks his leg out of his leg. He rakes Lashley’s face into the ring steps, sends him in, and covers for 2. Dykestra does more stuff that I can’t see because it gets crammed into the corner so we can see a replay. Kenny stomps and elbows and stuff. Kenny sends Lashley into the corner and catches him with a jumping elbow. Modified ninja chokeout by Kenny. Why is this match still going on? Should it really be that hard for Lashley to beat Kenny, former leader of the Spirit Squad? Lashley finally powers out of the chokeout, but Kenny gets him in a sleeper. There’s Sabin’s alien again. Lashley tries to back suplex Kenny, Kenny flips and lands on his feet, but Lashley clotheslines him down. Again. Kenny is whipped to the corner, gets a boot up, and Lashley charges into it. Kenny charges into an Exploder. Is that not Shelton’s finisher anymore? Lashley hits the ropes, but charges into a dropkick and gets sent outside. And…we’re going to break? For Lashley vs Dykestra?
Commercials. This is really boring. I mean, neither of them are as oafishly bad as a Masters or anything, but it’s just sort of there. I think Lashley needs to exclusively fight Finlay a little longer.
We’re back, and Kenny has a resthold on Lashley. We get a replay of some ringpost shenanigans from the break that explain why Lashley is still not doing anything. Lawler mentions the 20-years-old thing. Lashley powers out of whatever. Back body drop. Beal. Delated vertical suplex, playing to crowd with the free…actually, he doesn’t. Kenny couldn’t stay straight enough. Lashley stalking Kenny for the swoop sentence terminated, but Kenny gets a boot up. Now Kenny charges right into a military press, which Lashley turns into his over-the-shoulder powerslam (The Lumber Liquidator) for 3. Why go to break, then end the match like twenty seconds back from the break?
Backstage, WACKY MISMATCHED TAG PARTNERS are Rated RKO. Randy: “Man, don’t talk to me dude!” Leave him alone, brother. Thanks for the help, big man. Edge suggests that they should not let HBK win.
CHLO(E)-DOG FIGHTS are walking backstage, planning an exciting evening of sexing and stuff. OLD YELLER is Ric Flair, who starts yelling at Carlito randomly. He’s pissed that Carlito is leaving before the main event. Carlito: “Carlito’s not in the main event, so what do I care?” He makes a good point. Flair: “Have you ever stopped to think that there’s a reason why guys like you, and I’m talkin’ about guys like you (Puerto Ricans) are not in the main event? That’s right, why you’re not in the main event? It’s because maybe you’re a lazy, underachieving son of a bitch, lucky to be walking the halls of this building, lucky to be on the RAW roster, lucky to be here at all! You’re really pissin’ me off right now!” The crowd woos as Ric pours on the crazy. Carlito: “What the Hell is your problem?” Ric: “My problem, I’ll tell you what my problem is, guys like you! That have no passion, no guts! You want all the money, you want all the glory, you want to fly first class, you want to walk around with someone like her (Ric never did any of that,) you don’t deserve it! You haven’t worked for it! You haven’t bled, sweat, and paid the price to be here! That’s what’s drivin’ me crazy! I’m walkin’ this hall trying to figure out why guys like you are taking my spot! Yeah, guys like you are taking my spot! I’ve been here forever! (Haha, careful Ric.) And I’m gonna work my ass off to stay here! McMahon told me today, if I want to stay, I gotta prove it to him! You wanna stay, you gotta prove it to yourself! It’s not cool, it’s pathetic! It’s pathetic! I’m walking around trying to figure out what my name is (senility) and you’re leaving, before the main event? Yeah me! Sometimes I walk around, trying to figure out who I am, and the *silent bleep* who I am! Except me sometimes! And you’re leaving.” And…he walks off. To board Scott Hall’s crazy bus. Carlito looks thoughtful, and Torrie just looks sort of surprised, maybe embarrassed. The scuttlebutt on the internets is that Carlito is the epitome (in WWE Creative’s eyes) of giving half-assed performances and not putting everything into his character. I don’t see it, myself. He’s flipping around like crazy in his matches, doing way fewer restholds and crap than he ever used to. It’s not Carlito’s fault that he just finished his second major feud with Chris Masters after being connected at the hip to the big slug for almost a year in storylines. Still, it’s nice to see Flair being a psycho again. He’s like a slightly more coherent Bob Backlund.
Commercials. So Nitro and Melina, pretty much my favorite thing on RAW, are getting jobbed out because management is mad at them. Carlito, who used to be my favorite thing on RAW before he stopped spitting apples and started defending wimmn’s honor, is also in the doghouse. Perhaps they can have a BoDog Fight in there. Meanwhile, Gene Fucking Snitsky is the next big challenge for Bobby Lashley, Vince’s favorite champ. Sigh.
Earlier tonight, uh, last week, things. HBK and Cena became the tag team champions.
*TALKS FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS* SHUT UP! is out first. *TALKS FOR THIRTY SECONDS BUT ONLY SAYS FIFTEEN SECONDS WORTH OF STUFF* is next. Separate entrances. Couldn’t they pretend they still love each other, if only for the children? Randy climbs the turnbuckles to pose, and Edge totally checks out Orton’s butt. THE HEARTBREAK MIDDLE AGED GUY is last. HBK rushes the ring, and is immediately double-teamed. Edge whips HBK from corner to corner. And now…Orton does the same thing. Double-whip, but HBK double clotheslines them. Inverted atomic drop for both guys. Flying burrito for Edge, and a kip-up. Orton gets tossed to the floor. Scoop and a slam on Edge. HBK…selling his back, for some reason. Going up top for the Macho Elbow, but Randy appears and shoves him down. HBK rolls outside. Edge stares at HBK all stupidly, and almost turns into an RKO. Edge is all, “Hey, what’s that about?” Let’s go to break.
Commercials. Why are they suddenly advertising BK Stackers again?
We’re back, and Edge has HBK in a sleeper. Orton charges them both, so Edge releases to toss him. HBK does something I miss. Edge reverses a whip, and HBK ends up baseballslide dropkicking Orton. HBK fires away with fiery babyface punches, but Edge kicks him in the face to take over. Bunches o’ punches by Edge. Backbreaker for 2. Scoopslam by Edge. He goes up top. Macho Elbow? HBK rises to meet him. Looking for a superplex, but Edge fights him off. Orton comes in and stands around. HBK rises, and Orton dropkicks him so he stumbles into the corner and Edge gets crotched. Edge falls to the floor. Orton with the RKB for 2. Garvin Stomp. Shockingly, that only gets him 2. HBK tries to chop back, but Orton outclubbers him. Orton sends HBK into the ropes and dropkicks him on the rebound. European uppercuts. Michaels shockingly rolls him up for 2. Randy gets the RKO out of nowhere, but Edge is back and pulls him off. Edge and Orton yell at each other. Fan sign: “HUSS.” The Berzerker, ladies and gentlemen. Haha, Edge and Orton shake hands, then both try to betray the other. They fight a bit more. Edge wants the spear, but Orton leapfrogs it gayly. Both guys run around a bunch and cross body block each other. Both men down. HBK returns from the Farplane and goes up top. Macho Elbow for Edge. Fan sign: “Psycho Shawn.” He dances around like an idiot. Tuning up the band. Edge dodges, Orton catches the foot, Edge hits the ropes, and HBK dodges the spear. It hits Orton. Superkick for Edge, 1, 2, 3. I AM GLAD YOU WERE SAFE OUT THERE appears. He and HBK look at each other. Now STACKS OF BEEF AND BACON AND BANANA appears. Why does he get entrance music? LUTHER REIGNS, REST IN PEAS too is a member of World Entrance Entertainment. Haha, he just sort of rises out of a hole in the stage right next to Batista, then stares at him. Now Team Smackdown turn to look at Team Raw. Everyone stands around for like twenty minutes. Then John Cena’s music plays. He is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS LONG-DISTANCE TAG TEAM STAREDOWN.
Promo for Vince and Trump both existing next Thursday (stupid dog show) aaaaand…we’re out.
Final Thoughts: I liked Ric’s promo, even if picking on Carlito seems a little unfair. This was probably the best RAW in a while, come to think of it. Lots of matches, not a whole lot of talk, and the talk that did happen generally advanced the plot. Plus, Cena didn’t wrestle and Donald Trump was only mentioned sparingly. I shall savor this while dreading next week.
