I got up all early on Wednesday for an eye appointment, and when I got there the receptionist laughed and told me my appointment was for NEXT week. At that point the bitch hadn’t even asked for my name or checked a schedule. Then she told me “the girl who took your appointment” messed up, but I knew for a fact that she was the one who took my appointment. Fucking…bah.
When Sting told Abyss “you have to die before you can live” or whatever, I got it into my head that he said “you have to die before you can see the truth” and thus naturally assumed Sting is one of the final five Cylons.
We open the show with DX’S INTRO (w/SHAWN MICHAELS.) The intro movie and music play forever, you see. Wow, HBK has a new shirt that has a cross with the DX logo respectfully behind it. Holiness, thy name is DX. JR: “Triple H still healing from that quadric-sex injury!” Well, it sounded like he said that. HBK gets the mic and breathes heavily. Then he tells us that last week, he “felt a feeling that I didn’t think existed anymore.” He had a good feeling! This handicap match was a gift from God. Sofa better be reading this. HBK says he is back. He found his smile. He wants da belt. He will win the rumble. HBK: “May God have mercy on the twenty-nine individuals who dare to get in my way!” HBK PRAY FOR MY GAY SOUL. HEY HBK I HAVE A SOUL TOO. OW WOW I HAVE INDIVIDUAL THEME MUSIC is Edge, who invades. He looks like such a skater/snowboarder douche. Edge: “You’re not gonna win the Rumble and main event Wrestlemania…I am!” Some little kid: “NO!” HBK tells Edge to shut up. They fight. It goes into the crowd.
Commercials. Epic Movie more like more like Epic SHITTY hahaha woo!
Edge and HBK are still fighting backstage because they seriously hate each other a lot. Coachman and security break it up.
Lillian tells us the next match is a special RAW vs Smackdown match. I guess it’s nice that they bother to point out when they drag guys over from Smackdown to job on RAW that the guys represent another brand. HBK PRAY FOR MY GAY SOUL is Jeff Hardy. Replays reveal Nitro helped Smackdown star Joey Mercury (who knew?) beat up Matt, because Matt still exists. Speaking of Smackdown, I ended up seeing most of Smackdown last week for the first time in a long time, and there’s some new tag team whose gimmick is literally “We are mean and also from the 1950’s.” Just bizarre. THAT NOSE-KILLER SPOT WAS WORSE THAN WHEN THAT SNOW MONSTER PUT ME THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW is Joey Mercury. In whichever Sailor Moon movie had the snow monsters, one of them put Sailor Mercury right through a plate glass window. It was shockingly violent for Sailor Moon, though the fact that Mercury was perfectly fine with no apparent injury in the next scene sort of undercut it. Oh, Merc is accompanied by SAILOR HOLLYWOOD and SAILOR WOODSHED. Well, JR thinks she needs to be taken to the woodshed, anyway. Mercury is wearing a noseguard that makes him look like one of those quasi-medieval quasi-futuristic dopes from Highlander 2: The Quickening. MNM are prepping the full intro, with Merc and Nitro both dancing about as Melina prepares to smear her vagina across the ring apron, but Jeff planchas onto them. Gutsy of him to devastate Merc and Nitro even if it meant touching Melina. Jeff throws Mercury into the ring. Merc’s and Nitro’s coats do not match. Jeff does Jeff offense. Going for that weird split-legged, facing-the-victim jawbreaker he always does, but Mercury counters by sticking his knee out so Jeff inverted atomic drops himself. Wait for it wait for it…IQ of 300. Sending Jeff out to the floor (IQ of 300.) Nitro, who does not have an IQ of 300, starts pulling the mats away to expose the concrete, but he does so in plain sight of the ref. The ref ejects Nitro, and ejects Melina when she gets lippy. Jeff goes back in, but gets short clotheslined. Another. Bunches o’ punches by Mercury. Modified ninja chokeout. American men I pretend are Japanese schoolgirls are the strongest ninjas. Jeff fights back with stupid jumpy moves. Whyspyr yn thy Wynd connects. Twist of Fate…and that’s it? That went like thirty seconds after Nitro and Melina were ejected. Remember folks, RAW > Smackdown.
I WILL NOT BE IGNORED DONALD is Vince, in his office. SORRY I’M UNDERDRESSED BOSS I’LL POOP MY PANTS BEFORE WORK NEXT TIME enters and tells us he has HBK and Edge separated and everything is under control. Coach wants to send them home, but Vince books them in a street fight because under no circumstances can Coach appear effective. Then…the scene sort of dissolves.
Commercials. USA tries to get me to watch a Steven Segal movie by sort of making fun of it. Shockingly, I am not convinced to watch the movie.
WE JUST GOT NICKNAMES are Vince and Coach, dragging their pointless backstage segment into the ring. Vince does a cute little hand signal to tell Coachman to walk a few steps further behind him. Vince is going to read us a letter he wrote to Donald Trump. “You suck” chant. Lawler: “Used truck? Mister McMahon would never buy a used truck!” HAHAHAHAOHGODYOU’REFUNNY. I’d rather hear a poem by Heidenreich than hear this. Vince says the crowd’s mind is in the toilet, though he doesn’t make the comment make sense. Vince says the Apprentice is doing well (lie) but would do even better if Vince was on as a guest star. Vince claims his on-air presence makes USA the top-rated cable network (Jerry: “It’s true!”) Vince: “If you’re an idiot, say ‘what?’” Crowd: “What?” Heh. They keep whating him, though. Now for some reason Vince says he loves the crowd just like we love him, and next week he’ll show us his appreciation. Can’t wait for that. EIGHT-YEAR OLDS LOVE ME is our WWE Champion, World Champion, something. Cena: “When the Hell did Vince McMahon become Brother Love?” He calls Vince a “puss-bag.” This seems unwise. He points out (correctly) that when Vince becomes obsessed with something, it goes poorly. Head shoved up Big Show’s ass, XFL, etc. Cena: “And now it’s Donald Trump, why the Hell are you kissing his ass? No no no, I got it, it’s probably because you’re both frickin’ egomaniacs.” Coachman: “Listen John Cena!” Hahaha, that was hilarious somehow. Coachman: “Donald Trump is a way bigger egomaniac than Mister McMahon!” Cena: “Then it’s because you’re both shameless self-promoters.” Coach: “Again, Donald Trump self-promotes way more than Mister McMahon ever could!” Cena: “Oh it just hit me, it’s because of the fancy suits and the expensive private jets and God knows the expensive hair, you’re obviously over-compensating for something!” Coach: “Cena, just because Donald Trump has more money than Mister McMahon, does not mean…” Vince grabs the mic and gets all pissed. Cena has cleverly tricked Coach into shooting himself in the foot by…letting him shoot himself in the foot. Vince books Cena versus Coachman. Oh great, I’ve been wondering when we’d see that match. Maybe HBK can bring the Spirit Squad to job to Triple H at the hospital later. JR: “I think Coach has just been taken to the woodshed on the way to…the woodshed!”
Commercials. A-Train needs some of that sodium hydroxide. Because he’s hairy. Didn’t I mention A-Train last week? HE’S COMING BACK I CAN FEEL IT.
KILL, KILL! MANOS HAS DECREED IT! KILL, KILL! is here. Here are some prerecorded comments floating in a little box from Super Crazy. He attacked Masters because “I am super! I am crazy! I am SUPER CRAZY!” I could have sworn he said “porky” during the dirty foreign speak part of that promo. I LIKE DOING PROMOS IN THIS TINY BOX IT REMINDS ME OF THE SMALL UNFURNISHED ROOM THE OTHER MEXICOOLS AND I LIVED IN is Masters opponent. Masters starts with clubbering. JR: “He may be super bruised before this is over.” Supes gets sent outside. Is that a “USA” chant? That’s nice. Supes gets sent to the corner, but comes out with a crossbody for 2. Supes wants an ubercontrived bulldog, Masters tries to counter with the Masterlock, Supes slips out, but Masters grabs his legs and wheelbarrow suplexes the FUCK out of him. That was pretty nice, oddly enough. Queen Beryl’s not gonna like this one little bit. Masters with a backbreaker, then a pure, uncut ninja chokeout. Masters clubbers and kicks and stuff. Supes fights back a bit. Masters runs into an elbow. JR: “Crazy’s gotta quicken the pace here if he wants to have some success against Chris Masters. Get Masters off his game which mentally may not be a challenge.” DISS. Supes does flying kicks and stuff. Dropkick to the knee. Masters tosses him to the apron, but Crazy goes up top and gets a missile dropkick. Standing moonsault, but Masters kicks out. Supes yells at the crowd, who ignore him. He misses a corner charge, and Masters slaps on the Masterlock. Supes kicks off the ropes to put Masters on his back on the mat, and Masters is too stupid to realize he’s being counted down. And…Super Crazy wins. Wow. That was a nice surprise.
Backstage, Coach is trying to suck up to Vince to get the match with Cena dropped. Coach admits that if he has to fight Cena, there is “a distinct possibility” he’ll get his ass kicked. Vince suggests Coach have lunch with Trump next week. For some reason. Also, the match is still on.
Commercials. Payday loans. Yeah, I guess wrestling fans are a good market for those guys.
Maria is pretty. PRETTY STUPID HAHA. Anyway, she interviews Kenny. Or GUESS WHAT VISION I HAVE GO ON GUESS. He says mean things to Maria and promises to win the Rumble. He mentions that he’s twenty.
20-20 vision, that’s his vision, get it?
I WANT TO BE THE NEXT CANADIAN DRACULA is getting suited up, I guess, when NOW I’M AS BLOODY AND GIBBERY AS MY DAD appears. Team RKO yell at each other. Randy is mad that Edge left him at the mercy of HBK last week. HBK gave him a conchairto “to my FACE,” as opposed to one of those conchairtos to the knee, or to the penis or something. Orton has a legitimate storyline gripe and Edge is a pretty big dick so Randy’s angry promo works pretty damned well until he starts flubbing lines.
Commercials. Haha, Monty is the “Impact Player” on ECW. Wait, they mean Test. Nevermind.
JR: “The champ is here, again! Unfortunately!” I cut him off in mid-sentence, I’m afraid. UNFORTUNATELY HERE is out for his exciting match against Coach in a match we’ve never seen before and is completely shocking. Oh well, at least they aren’t pretending this is a real main event. PERHAPS THOSE MI5 AGENTS WATCHING ME WILL PREVENT ME FROM GETTING KILLED TOO MUCH comes out and says Mr. McMahon is gone, so while Coach can’t cancel that match, he can book his own. So he books Cena versus jobbers before he faces Coach, great. STEERS AND QUEERS (I never had that many Cade and Murdoch nicknames to begin with, so sue me) are first, because who else would it be? I wonder if Shelton will allow Charlie to reteam with Viscera for just one night. Cade and Murdoch take over with double-teaming. Cade picks Murdoch up and drops him legdrop style across Cena. Coach signals more jobbers to come out, because this is some sort of nonsensical rumble preview somehow. And…no jobbers come. Cena takes over with clotheslines and crap. Here’s that one move he does. F-U for Murdoch, and he F-U’s him out of the ring, which…eliminates him, I guess? YCSM and FKS for Cade. VISCERA HAS LOST WEIGHT is Haas and Benjamin. WAIT, NO I HAVEN’T is Viscera, alone, like ten seconds later. Fucking ridiculous…they gave Haas a new tag partner and gave them their own feud and storyline, and Haas and Viscera are still trying to aid Coach by beating up DX. I mean JC. Same difference. JR is SHOCKED to see Viscera get involved. KHALI KHALI OXEN FREE is next to join the suck. Poor Shelton Benjamin is literally standing there with his hands on his hips just watching the other guys do stuff because there’s only so much Cena to go around. Uh-oh, Khali seems confused and just beats up Haas and Benjamin. Benjamin is first out, then Haas, then Cade. Viscera is the last to try and fight Khali, and is no-sold. Viscera does a running start into Khali’s big boot. Then Viscera basically climbs out over the top by himself and Khali pats on his back to make it look like he helped. Cena has recovered some, and does a shoulderblock off the top on Khali, who no-sells. Khalifense, and Cena is tossed. Lillian Garcia officially announces Khali as the winner of whatever this is. Khali goes outside to throw Cena into the steps. Cena sent back in, and Khali follows. Khali with his goofy overhand chops. Posing. Coachman now sneaks in to pin Cena, who…kicks out. Damn it. Coach uses heels to soften Cena up, but gets his ass kicked anyway. How many times have we already seen this? Oh well, slight (but not interesting) variation as THE SAMOAN S.U.C.K. TEAM invades to cause a Dairy Queen. Samoan Brother Runt for Cena. Estrada and Coachman are setting up a table. They put Cena on it, Umaga goes up, Air Samoa through the table. Estrada counts Cena down for 10. Did Umaga just scream “For Samoa!?”
Commercials. More Payday Loan ads. Plz give us all your money kthx.
The Horde o’ Refs (TM) try to help Cena to the back, but he shoves them off and rolls out by himself. Then…he does let them help. Little girls screech in admiration. JR and Lawler try to convince us this is really dramatic.
GODADDY IS BACK, UH, DADDY and RICHMOND’S FAVORITE NICKNAME VACUUM are teaming up. We are told that Candice’s nose ate Victoria’s boot’s boat. The first evil diva is WHO IS THIS GENTLE STRANGER WITH BOOBS LIKE MELONS AND BOOTS OF FRINGE?, and the second is YOUR NOSE OWES MY BOOT A BOAT. Lawler says “wardrobe malfunction.” Wasn’t that like two years ago? Victoria’s shirt says “Widow Peak Freak.” It would appear to be her own creation and not official merchandise. Mickie starts with Melina, dropkicks her down, and spanks her. JR: “That’s about ten years past due.” JR thinks Melina is way too old to be a sexy spanking victim. The heels take over at some point. Candice runs in and bumps into Melina while trying to act all angry at Victoria. Victoria is tagged in to do stuff. Tag out to Melina, who does her weird choking in the ropes thing. Victoria cheapshots Mickie on the apron. Melina covers, and Candice breaks it up. Tag to Victoria, who takes forever setting up a corner charge and misses. Tag to Candice, who does clotheslines. Candice looks really different in her new ring attire. And new haircut, I guess. Oh, I think I get it, she’s skinnier now. She was a lot hotter when she had some, you know, flesh. Candice actually does a decent dropkick, but Victoria takes back over. Looking for the Widow’s Peak, but Mickie breaks it up. Mickie does that Louis Thesz Press to the floor on Melina. Candice goes up…was she trying to do a flying reverse kick or a flying reverse elbow? I honestly can’t tell. Whatever it is, she hits it on Victoria for the “upset” win.
Commercials. SAW II. If I were John Cena and had not seen that movie, I would say I AIN’T SAW YOU! But I’m not so I won’t.
The “Slam of the Week” is Carlito verbally slamming Vince and then getting Khalized.
EATING DOGS IS NOT COOL are Carlito, Torrie and Chloe, making a statement about those mischievous Koreans/Dean Malenko. Some combination of them are taking on THE SQUARE ROOT OF 400. Hot pink tights, Kenny? Really? Carlito and Kenny tie-up, get into the ropes, and…Carlito feigns a poke to the eye and pokes Kenny’s eye in a way it’s really hard to see. Dykestra reverses a whip, but Papa Shagoes and gets kicked. Carlito with a dropkick. He sends Kenny to the corner, tries to Stinger Splash, Kenny evades, Carlito catches himself in the corner, but Kenny slams him down by the hair in a pretty cool spot. Kenny does short clotheslines and clubberings and stuff. Sending Carlito to the ropes and getting him with a back elbow. Elbows. More elbows. Torrie looks concerned. Lawler mocks Kenny’s nose. NO WONDER Triple H likes him. Unmodified Ninja Chokeout by Kenny. Carlito eventually fights out, but gets sent to the ropes. Carlito with a backflip whatever, Kenny ducks, but Carlito lands on his feet and continues to attack. Running kneelift by Carlito. Fancy rana. How is it that Carlito’s offense is a million times more The Impressive than before, but he’s so much more boring now? Carlito with a fancy springboard elbow. They go into a pin reversal sequence that ends with Kenny holding the tights for the win. Guess the bookers find Carlito boring now too.
Shawn Michaels the Crotch-Chopping Jesus Montage.
Commercials. Some movie with a Black dude fighting karate style. Not as good as Black Belt Jones.
We’re back, and ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE are being wacky backstage. TCF pointed out the weirdness of Rocky and Bullwinkle being on the “Black Family Channel” over at thecubsfan.com. I tend to agree, though Rocky and Bullwinkle may in fact be Black since we never see their skin, only their fur. Now I’m picturing all the good guy humans on the show being digitally remastered as Black guys. Though the only person they talked to much was Captain Peachfuzz. About ¾ of the people they met were Boris in disguise, of course. THE WHITE MAN HOLDING THEM DOWN. And about 99% of the remaining ¼ were Natasha. There’s a fun math puzzle for you to solve, 99% of ¼. I’ll wait. Done? Good. The answer is at the back of the book. For those of you who read books. LeVar Burton would be proud. Haha, I checked “Reading Rainbow” on Wikipedia to confirm the spelling of “LeVar,” and learned that Hulk Hogan once did a guest spot on that show. All right little dudes, today we’re reading The Brothers Karamazov, brother! That would be a bit heavy for the kids, I’d think. Not to mention Hulk Hogan. What am I talking about now? Yeah, so, Cryme Tyme are trying to sell Rumble numbers to unsuspecting rubes. I AM SUPER RUBE-Y is Super Crazy, who is convinced to buy one of their fake numbers when they say his catchphrase. READING RAINBOW IS CONFUSING I PREFER BARNEY is Eugene, who also buys a number. They give him number 30. They convince him he wants number 1. They get him to chant “I’m number 1!” What’s the point if they already got his money and the numbers don’t mean anything? Oh, ok, they make him pay extra for number 1. Gee, what a couple of loveable babyfaces. JTG asks if Eugene is even in the Rumble (after Eugene leaves,) and Shad says no. JTG asks if the numbers are real (because, uh, he didn’t know?) and Shad says no. Because the crowd needed to have that reinforced. Now they discuss selling a painting by “Edward Lunch” called “The Scream.” They sing a little song called “money, money, yeah yeah.” They leave. MEMBER OF THE APA, ART PURCHASING AGENCY (so not funny) is Ron Simmons, who enters with a framed copy of “The Scream.” He gets a louder pop than Cryme Tyme did. He looks happy, then suddenly looks angry (though nothing has changed) and says “Damn!” I’d praise him spontaneously realizing the painting he bought was a fake with no additional information at all if he hadn’t at some point believed Cryme Tyme was selling the original of “The Scream.” What a stupid, stupid sketch. Lawler: “Instead of ‘money money,’ I think Cryme Tyme should practice saying the words ‘not guilty!’ Hahaha!” Wow, he actually made it worse.
Rumble Rundown. How can it possibly top that thing with Khali and Viscera and them?
Earlier tonight, Edge and HBK didn’t like each other.
Commercials. Seriously, jokes about Ron Simmons being the victim of art fraud?
Street Fight time. Hadoken. I LOVE STREETS IN FACT I FIRST MET LITA AS SHE WAS WALKING ONE is out first, pretty much in normal attire except for the jeans. His opponent is MY NEW SHIRT PROVES I CHOP MY CROTCH FOR JESUS, who rushes the ring. With his horrible shirt with a cross with a green X behind it. Punches. HBK wins that battle. He whips Edge with a belt. He takes off Edge’s shirt and does some more country whippin’. Fan sign: “DIX.” Edge goes outside and gets some chairs and a trash can. Trash can shot to Edge’s head. HBK clotheslines Edge to the floor. HBK…walks around. JR: “It’s almost like a metamor…phis!” HBK dives to the floor, but Edge hits him with a chair or a can lid or something. Let’s go to break!
Commercials. I had a better HBK nickname but I gave myself all week practically to forget it.
We’re back, and HBK is in the ring all bloody. A replay reveals it was a trash can lid that killed HBK. Also, Edge bulldogged HBK across some steal steps. Edge is trying to pull a ladder into the ring, but HBK punches him. Edge fights him off and goes outside to get a length of chain. Edge…wraps it around his fist and punches HBK. Edge pulls the ladder in, and…sort of falls off the middle turnbuckle and guides the ladder into HBK. Edge is also acting hurt, but…he wasn’t hit at all. Some fans chant “Holy shit” but that was really sort of lame. HBK kicks out at 2. Edge punches. Edge picks the ladder back up, sets it up across, uh, two sets of steps that had been there, and…goes after HBK. He wants to powerbomb HBK into the ladder, but HBK punches and Edge falls down backwards. I think HBK is lining up the superkick, but it’s just because of his normal gay stance. Punches back and forth. Edge takes over with a kick, but HBK hits a flying burrito when Edge sends him to the ropes. Inverted atomic drop. “Straight” right hand. HBK pulls up the chain from before, and wraps it around Edge’s face. Does Edge get to blade this week? I assume so, because HBK is now punching him repeatedly with the chain. Edge is bleeding a little, yeah. HBK scoop slams him across that ladder Edge had set up. JR: “How in God’s name can you land without that ladder just killing you?” You could land on something other than it. Michaels goes up, but Edge cuts him off. Edge wants to superplex him onto the ladder, but Michaels sort of release gourdbusters him onto it instead. That was pretty sweet. It was also the only way out of that that wasn’t gonna kill someone. HBK goes up top again…Macho Elbow. Tuning up the band, and the crowd is going apeshit. Edge ducks it, sticks his head between HBK’s legs from behind (ew) and looks to want an electric chair drop, but there’s some miscommunication and HBK (part 2 of) kinda flings himself off sideways and sells being devastated. A replay reveals it was a nasty-looking landing, so maybe they did mean it to go that way. Edge sits in the corner doing goofy angry faces. He wants the spear, but Michaels Lou Thesz Presses him. HBK grabs a chair and kills him that way. Setting up for the one-man conchairto, but DOUCHODRAMATIC MOOSE POSE runs in and RKO’s him. It’s a Street Fight, so it’s all legal. Edge covers for 3. He thinks he and Randy must be cool again, but Randy tosses Edge to the floor. Now he wants a one-man-conchairto on HBK, but the crowd is wooing. Flair comes out to save. No nickname because now Kenny is out and that brings out Carlito and now all the jobbers come out and…uh, no. Actually, it stops there, and HBK tosses pretty much everyone before doing an intense, passionate “I am totally going to win the Rumble” dance.
Final Thoughts: Would you purchase art from Cryme Tyme?
