Evil Zone didn’t work when it first showed up. For some reason controller 1 didn’t work, but controller 2 did, so all you could do is listen to the opening narration, then set up a versus match that never started because controller 1 has to pick the guy player 1 will be. I reset it, I switched the controllers, I cleaned the disk, but nothing helped. And then the next day, after I went digging around to find the old PS1 I thought Super Asia had taken, I gave Evil Zone on the PS2 one last try for no real reason and it worked fine. Huh. But it’s all working now, so I got to play Gally “Banish or Maybe Vanish We Keep Switching” Gregman’s classic adventure episode one, “Cherry Boy.”
THE CHAMP IS QUEER opens the show. That nickname is always solid. He’ll brush your mouth with Colgate, according to his entrance theme. I MISS YOU STARFIRE :( is already in the ring, where a desk and some chairs are set up. Contract-signing time, great. Coachman declares Cena vs Umaga at the Royal Rumble (again, great) and introduces ARMANUMALEJANDROSTRAGDA. Coachman declares that the stipulation for the Cena/Umaga match at the next payperview (because we really needed another ppv match between these two) will be chosen by…Armando Estrada. He keeps leaving out the Alejandro. Estrada books a Last Man Standing Match (sometimes called a Texas Death Match by people who are all cool like me.) Cena pretends like he is not gonna sign it, but then he does. Then Cena attacks. Umaga gets hit with ring steps. Estrada gets FUed through the contract-signing table. Yes, the table signs contracts. I guess it’s nice this wasn’t the main event, because it could have been and that would have been really lame. Lawler: “He surprised Umaga by outquicking him!”
Commercials. Cena and Jared < Some Woman and Little Richard.
NO MORE HOLLYHOOD, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD are out. The chyron calls them “Johnny Nitro and Melina, MNM,” so I guess Mercury’s nose eating a boot means he’s out of MNM again. Ah, Melina gives Nitro a little kiss, that’s precious. I wonder if they’re facing Carlito and Torrie, the only other logical intergender team, or just Jeff Hardy and whoever Melina is feuding with. Here are JEFF HARDY AND WHOEVER MELINA IS FEUDING WITH, who happens to be Maria. How can they function as a tag team when Jeff can’t stand touching girls? Jeff’s skipping to the ring really could not possibly be more gay. Lawler wants to know if he could be “added to the equation in any way.” I’m all for him being cut in half, and both sides of the equation having Lawler/2 added. Nitro and Jeff start. Nitro beats him up a bit, drops a sexy leg, but Jeff takes over and teases the Twist before Nitro bails and tags out. Both girls in, and Maria slaps Melina for some revenge for last week. Whacking Melina’s head into the buckles a few times. Bulldog, and a cover for 2. They do a horrible running back and forth into the ropes and a whoop de doo session, and then Nitro distracts Maria so Melina can clobber her from behind. Remember when I didn’t like Nitro? Or at least claimed Mercury did all the work? He’s gotten better. Melina kicks away. Choking in the ropes. Kicking. Camel Clutch, and it really shows off the ridiculous furry barbarian booties. Maria eventually fights back, but gets kicked down. Face-rake. Melina scoops Maria up, and hahaha, she pauses to Melina scream before going for whatever devastating move she has planned. It backfires though, as Maria sort of (part 2 of) kinda ranas out. Tag to Nitro, who knocks Jeff off the apron and then stalks Maria. Maria kicks him in the shins and tags in Jeff. Though she didn’t need to tag him under these rules. Jeff with a clothesline. Another. Whip reversed, but Jeff does flying crap. ELUM kick. Jeff gets sent to the ropes, so he Whyspyrs yn thy Wynd. Going up top, Melina tries to break it up, Maria attacks her, but Melina bought enough time for Nitro to get back up. Looking for a superplex, but Jeff shoves him off and gets the swanton anyway. For 3. I’d like to see the actual couple win, sort of, but who cares?
(POOPY) PANTS PANTS PANTS is on the phone, but ALLOW ME TO EXECUTIVELY ASSIST YOU IN CLEANING YOUR PANTS doesn’t seem to notice and talks like Vince is listening but Vince isn’t listening and it’s hilarious. McMahon can’t get a hold of Donald Trump. McMahon has to spell his name out, har har. And…it just sort of ends.
Commercials. “Epic Movie.” Why don’t you just call it “This Year’s Collection of Lame Parodies?”
RATED ZZZ are out, WITH MICS! The DX music starts, but then goes into that medical flat-lining sound. Randy explains. Then…it happens again. JR: “Now that is cold and uncaring!” Randy: “We’re not gonna stop! We’re not gonna stop, Shawn Michaels! Until you are down and out! For good! Permanently!” I’m serious dude, really, really dead, that is when we will stop, and only then! Death! Randy excuses himself and leaves. Edge talks. He then leaves randomly. Are they going to drag out dead Flair again? No, it’s DEAD DUGGAN. Edge: “Why look, it’s the lovable veteran ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan!” Edge tells us Duggan was HBK’s mentor at Michael’s first big match. The Azmael to his Doctor. Duggan is already dead, but gets one-man-conchairtoed anyway, just to thoroughly kill that move. Hey, Dean Malenko! And IRS! Ross: “What else is R…AKO gonna do tonight?”
Commercials. Dean Malenko and IRS should totally have beaten Rated RKO down there.
Rated RKO must be the most boring stable of heels ever. GUESS I SHOULDN’T HAVE LOANED DUGGAN MY ROBE was probably the intended target of RKO’s beatdown. He usually is. Shades of Liu Bei loaning Pang Tong his horse and Pang Tong getting killed. Like Pang Tong, Ric Flair was also one of Zhuge Liang’s closest friends. Because he is old. I WILL KEEP FIGHTING YOU UNTIL YOU START MENTIONING ME WHEN RANDOMLY SCREAMING ABOUT BRUISER BRODY AND THOSE GUYS is Flair’s opponent, because we need to see this match a million more times. Lawler blames the crowd’s complete apathy on crowd shock over Rated RKO beating up an old guy. Flair chops in the corner. More chops. Punches. Chops. Woo. Side-headlock takedown by Flair. But…that’s not a chop? Kenny takes over with a dropkick to the knee that didn’t really hit at all. Kenny works over the knee. He woos. JR mentions Junk Yard Dog. I wonder if Rated RKO will beat his corpse up? Kenny with a suplex. Figure-20 attempt by Kenny. He…gets it on. Flair gets to the ropes. Sign: “High Bun-Bun.” Kenny gets sent outside. He comes back in. Flair chops. Back body drop on Kenny. Chops. Punches. Chops. End. Kenny reverses a corner whip, but charges into an elbow. Flair goes up, Kenny tries to stop him, but Flair thumbs his eye and gets a top rope clothesline. Flair actually hitting a top rope move has become as cliché as him getting thrown off the top. Kenny rolls Flair up, grabs the tights, and grabs the ropes, but the ref sees it. Flair reverses the roll-up and grabs the tights, but Kenny kicks out. Now Flair covers Kenny with Flair’s feet on the ropes, and wins. So what? Lawler: “You just got beat by one of the best of all time! He’s beaten many, many men!” Unlike you, he’s been with many, many men. Or maybe you have been with many men, gentle reader, how should I know?
Commercials. Monk tries to put Psyche over.
Our Something of the Something is Mr. Kennedy causing Taker to not beat the Miz within a certain time limit or…something. I feel a little guilty for not following Smackdown, mostly because I felt like the only one following it when I did.
I THINK I’M CUTE, I KNOW I’M DOOMED appears. Todd Grisham asks him if he’s sad that Duggan is dead. WOO I BEAT KENNY AND TOTALLY WON THAT FEUD WOO invades and offers to help HBK not die. Flair touches HBK’s shoulders and chest very gaily.
Vince and Coach are hanging around some more. Vince reads a litter from Trump. Vince: “As a lifelong fan of WV, I…” Whoa, again, Vince? And then he calls it WV AGAIN later in the letter. Basically, Trump’s letter says that last weeks Trump vs Rosie thing was retarded and that Vince should stick with wrestlers wrestling. Wow, thanks for the sentiment, Mr. Trump. The PS of the letter plugs “The Apprentice.” Coachman: “It’s in California now.” Haha. Vince has no idea what Coach is talking about.
Commercials. Will Ferrell makes like ten movies a year, doesn’t he?
I LOVE DOUBLE DOUBLE VEE invades the ring. He says “WV” some more. If he loves WV so much, why isn’t he booking Doctor 6 and Peri vs Insane Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon inter-gender tag matches? He introduces clips from last week’s horror. Vince tells us Trump is basically not hip with what the fans want, which is why he didn’t like last week’s crap. And…he airs it again, in slow-motion. So…is this an apology? Have they realized that everyone in the universe hated that? Vince: “I don’t ask my audience what they want, I tell them what they want! I tell them what they want, and then they like it!” Boos. Vince seems to think making his real-world personality problems part of his on-air character makes them not be problems anymore. He decides to reenact Trump’s thing with Miss America by putting on a diaphanous white blouse and twirling a little wand and summoning MISSES FAAAAAAAAAKE. Torrie Wilson as a fake Miss USA. She reads her lines off a little cue card, and she’s supposed to be stagier than usual, but it’s hard to tell (oh JG, you wacky funster.) Vince starts to build to creepy sex, but HEY, COOL YOUR JETS, MAN, HAHA, GET IT, COOL? invades. Vince keeps talking over Carlito’s music for a few seconds because he’s horrible. Carlito tells us all that Vince is not cool. Last week’s sketch was “bad, really bad. No, it sucked.” The crowd cheers. Ok, so it’s a half-assed apology. Carlito says the crowd doesn’t want stupid skits, which is mostly ignored, then he says they don’t want to hear Vince talk, and the crowd explodes in cheers, haha. Vince acts like he’s going to fight, then spontaneously gets the diaphanous blouse and little wand back so he can GRAND SUMMON KHALI. Hahaha. Because Yuna’s overdrive in FFX is Grand Summon instead of Summon, right, and…fine, be that way. Just because he’s Great and not Grand, you get all snippy. Khali kills Carlito because he saw the Hindi dub of last week’s Trump/Rosey stuff and thought it was fantastic. So much for this being an apology. Usually, on those rare occasions where he admits a mistake, Vince books himself to lose on a non-payperview, not to have a lame duck face get squashed. The action highlight of this segment is Carlito trying to do a springboard move, and Khali just no-selling it. Play Khali’s music, because he is THE WINNER OF THIS REENACTMENT OF THE MISS USA PAGEANT. Vince: “Now that, now that, is cool.” His music plays, because obviously he is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS REENACTMENT OF THE MISS USA PAGEANT. Lawler: “He always has to have the last word!” You’ve noticed that, have you?
Graphic for HBK vs DX. No Flair, apparently.
Commercials. Various body sprays attract skanks.
MICKIE LIKES DICKIE is the worst nickname ever. Haha, Lillian seems slightly worried by Mickie’s jumping around and spazzing. JR has another Skittles orgasm. JR: “You like the Skittles, kids?” Lawler: “They’re fruity!” LOOK, HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU THAT THE LADY TO MESS WITH IS SOMEONE ELSE? is her opponent. They have absolutely nothing to do with this title. Victoria pulls the hair. Mickie counters by pulling the hair. Victoria gets laid across the ropes and spanked. Victoria crawls around a bit, then tosses Mickie to the floor. JR and Lawler discuss woodsheds. Victoria baseball slide dropkicks Mickie. JR: “Either in the face or in the chest!” Lawler, on autopilot: “I hope in the…(realizes what he’s about to say makes no sense)…well, neither one, that wouldn’t be good.” Victoria kicks. JR stalks talking about DX. Victoria stands on Mickie’s hair. Someone in the crowd is screeching like crazy. Mickie rolls Victoria up for 2. Victoria gives Mickie a forced splits, then does leg…stuff. Mickie ducks a clothesline and does some clotheslines. Victoria reverses a corner whip, but charges an elbow. Big fancy rope-assisted rana by Mickie, for 2. Mickie tries to do something, Victoria does her tilt-a-whirl move that probably had a name in the Stevie Night Heat days for 2. Lawler stops making any sense at all, and JR calls him on it. Mickie ducks whatever and does a kick. For…3? Modified IMPTHOKK, I guess. The H is for Her, that’s the modification. Lawer: “There were a lot of perfect spots in that match JR! I enjoyed it!” You are horrible.
Earlier tonight, a generic show closing bit opened the show. And…we see almost the whole thing again here.
Royal Rumble Rundown. Who the Hell is that next to Nitro in this graphic? Did Mercury trade faces with A-Train?
Commercials. My pick to win the Rumble? Clearly Sabu.
Our Christmas in Baghdad of the Week is Chris Masters running afoul of JBL Claus. This segues into MANOS, GOD OF PRIMAL DARKNESS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? in the ring, with a MIC, GOD. Masters has an official document signed by Mister McMahon (and God, presumably) that says the Masterpiece was not officially broken by that one troop. Masters challenges anyone from backstage to break the Masterlock. I’M THINKING OF CHANGING MY CATCHPHRASE TO “DARN” SO I CAN BE ON KID’S SHOWS is Ron Simmons, whose music is the word “Damn” and then the APA theme. Masters acts all afraid of the retiree whose arms are…not what they used to be. Simmons shoves him down, so Masters gets psyched. Wasn’t Vince telling us earlier that he doesn’t listen to what we want, he tells us what we want? These horrible Masterlock Challenges have been going for like a year now. Anyway, we get the exact Masterlock challenge we get from every guy we’re supposed to think might win, which is selling it, teasing a break, then selling it again. Ron gets an extra tease in before ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS IS LIKE A BILLION PESOS dropkicks Masters. He’s a face, right? So why did he attack as they were pretending Ron might be able to do it? He goes up top and gets a flying DDT on Masters. He goes up again and yells to the crowd (who completely ignore him) and then does a moonsault. He heads up the aisle. Generic Mexicany music plays. Super Crazy yells “FOR MEHICO” at a camera, and I’m a little surprised the camera is still on him. What the Hell happened to Psicosis anyway? Ron Simmons says “DAMN” which causes his music to play. Lawler and JR claim Simmons broke the Masterlock, which…uh…he didn’t! What the fuck? JR: “Damn!”
Commercials. More sprays, more skanks.
Our Wrestlemania Recall is Monkey in the Bank. The one RVD won. Man did that ever make his career skyrocket, eh?
JR and Lawler tell us they have official word that the Masterlock was not broken, duhr.
BRING BACK EXPERIENCE! IT IS CANCELLED, RIGHT? is backstage, where Ric Flair has been killed by Rated RKO. *bangs head against wall repeatedly* Shawn Michaels is frantic with worry. You’d think he’d be pretty used to this.
HAPPY MLK DAY NIGGAZ are Cryme Tyme. This was on Martin Luther King’s Day, which I basically forgot since I fastforwarded past the self-serving MLK montage that opened the show. OUR CLOTHES ARE SO CLOSE TO MATCHING IT HURTS are TWGTT, who have matching ring gear, though Shelton insists on wearing pants until he’s in the ring and Haas is pantified even on the ramp. Did tagging with Rico teach you nothing about the fashionability of pants, Charlie? Oh, it’s actually one-on-one, JTG vs Shelton. I hope we don’t have to watch the shittier halves of these two teams next week. Shelton kicks JTG. Clothesline. JTG floats out of a suplex and does a crossbody for 1. JTG with punches. Shelton reverses a whip. JTG tries a fancy float-out, but Shelton catches him and gutbusters him. JR: “Former Golden Gopher!” Haas is screaming like an idiot at ringside. Shelton does arm stuff. Shad tries to get the crowd to care. Shelton releases whatever and punches some. Haas screams like an idiot some more. JTG punches back, has a whip reversed, and does the D-Von Dudley Memorial Stupid Corkscrew Elbow. Because D-Von Dudley died. And was reborn as Brother D-Von. JTG with a dropkick. JTG wants a fancy rana or something, but Shelton just sets him down and kicks his fucking face off, awesome. Haas distracts the ref so Shad can mess with the turnbuckle pad. Stupid. Haas goes to recover the exposed turnbuckle, and now Shad trips Shelton up so JTG lands on him for the pin. Why bother to do wrestling moves, why not just make JTG fall on Shelton right from the beginning. Sheesh. At least it was short.
Todd tells us Ric Flair is dead again. HBK invades and yells angry. HBK: “I am not going down alone! I am not going down alone! I may go down, but I am going down in a blaze of glory!” He likes going down on guys like Edge and Orton. Whoops, he just souparkicked Todd. Meanie.
Commercials. What the Hell does Fake Borat have to do with “Epic” movies anyway?
Here’s gross footage of Triple H’s dead knee. Dr. Whoever tells us Triple H always breaks his quads because he is stupid. Triple H: “My quad just exploded!” BOOSH!
I’m a bad person.
And…I just read the intro to the latest ECW recap over at rocksandbeans. I guess I am a bad person. I wasn’t exactly in a drunken stupor, seeing as I got up and went to work the next morning. I saved the brief 3-way chat at the end, and apologized to Jason later for having been really surly in that. My new video game wasn’t working. Then it started working the next day (which is weird, I never did figure out why, like I said before.) But yeah, I was in a bad mood, and I apologized the next time I saw Jason online, and I was told it was ok, so I wasn’t expecting to go to r&b and read about my “drunken stupor” and how I make everyone I meet feel HORRIBLE in ALL-CAPS or whatever. The only thing I remember saying to specifically irk Jason was in the 2-way convo I didn’t bother to save when I think he mentioned his ECW “recaps” this year and I quipped that he should have said “recap.” Because there was only one. Hey, I said I was surly. Besides, it’s like halfway through January, he missed maybe one show. Then I realized this brand new recap was not written by Jason but by Josh, thus negating pretty much everything I've said (except about how I wasn't drunk, just surly.) I would have apologized to Josh too if I'd ever seen him not log off of AIM within thirty seconds if Jason wasn't on. I guess I should look on the bright side of this. I got a mention on another website. And I inspired someone else to see Neo Monty Brown (from the Neo Serengeti.) I won’t be buying any online folks any presents though. That always goes poorly.
I really did like the recap, though.
Now I’m in exactly the right mindset to see an extended Rated RKO/DX match. Well, half of DX. D, or perhaps X. RATED EUTHANASIA make it their mission to kill all old people. They’re not very good at it, but it’s still their mission. Edge: “I’ve just got one question for you people. Are you ready?” He goes on to do the full Triple H spiel. Haha, look at these douches with the green glow sticks. Orton starts doing the “let’s get ready to suck it” part of the intro, which DX almost never go through with since it makes them sound so awful. But then he breaks it off and orders security to confiscate all DX signs in the arena. “By order of Vince McMahon.” Some fan looks incredibly offended as a security dude takes his sign, and then chops his crotch at the guy’s retreating back. JR’s indignation over “censorship” is pretty funny when you recall for how long taking anti-WWF signs was standard operating procedure. Security give Orton and Edge a few signs to rip up.
Commercials. “Sons of Liberty” didn’t sound too much like a gay prono. Though “Snake Eater” and “Twin Snakes” are pretty unforgivable.
Rated RKO continue to be evil. D, OR PERHAPS X is out, alone. He uses DX music. He rushes the ring and takes over with clubbering. Edge gets tossed, and HBK back body drops Orton. Orton gets sent outside. Edge goes out and chops edge. Edge sent back in. HBK follows him and chops. It’s like Flair really is in there! JR: “That chop sounded like a gun going off!” A fleshy, fleshy gun. I just watched the Mythbusters blow a hole through four pigs using a real canon in an effort to disprove a pirate-related myth, and remembering this has just raised my spirits considerably. Anyway, Orton is now on the apron, as this ultimate match to be really mean and unfair to Shawn Michaels is one of those lame handicap matches where you have to tag. Edge takes over very temporarily on a missed corner charge, but he ends up Papa Shangoing and getting neckbreakered. He kicks Shawn away enough to tag Orton. Orton goes for one of those magic dropkicks that hurt you if misses, and misses. Bunches o’ punches by Michaels. He chops a bit more. HBK hits the ropes, but Edge does the old low bridge to send him outside. Beateries by Edge on the floor. HBK is sent back in to be punched by Orton. Does Orton say “douche” when he punches, or possibly “boosh?” Edge is tagged in and punches. The ref yells at Edge, so Orton comes over and punches. The ref yells at Oroton (haha, Oroton) so Edge punches. We get it, bookers. HBK is BUSTED OPEN. The myth that his face doesn’t bleep is busted. I mean bleed, not bleep, haha. I simply cannot type tonight. Orton comes in and does stuff. RKB. The crowd chants for HBK. Edge is tagged in and punches. Hey, security missed a bunch of signs. Tag to Orton. Rated FBI. Have I used that already? It’s still appropriate. Orton yells mean things and punches. HBK chops back, and the fans woo in honor of DX member Ric Flair. Orton reverses a corner whip, and HBK does the Flair Flip, but then comes back with a clothesline. Edge is tagged in. JR: “I tell you King, sometimes Edge literally looks psychotic.” Literally looking a certain way isn’t that impressive. Hey, Edge has a stupid new “Hollywood Star” shoulder tattoo. I think it’s new, anyway. Edge goes to THE SPEAR Michaels, but Michaels evades and Orton gets hit. HBK takes over with HBK stuff. Kipping up after the flying burrito. Lots of inverted atomic drops. Scoop and a slam. Going up for the Macho Elbow. It connects. Is Orton dead on the outside? That reminds me, I saw Test walking around outside of the ring after the last time he got sent out but before Lashley got the pin on RVD in that ECW Title 3-Way the other night, and I seriously could not believe it. It’s like he got sent out, walked over to where the belt was to get it because he fell out on the wrong side of the ring, walked back to where he originally ended up, and then lied down and played dead while RVD and Lashley worked the finish. I didn’t tape it so maybe I imagined it, but if it really happened it was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen a wrestler do in a match. Anyway, enough about that awful match, back to this awful match. HBK is too bloody to cover after the Macho Elbow, but he does get up and do a ludicrously spastic “I am drawing energy from you fans/The Source” dance. HBK wants Sweet Chin Music. Lawler: “HO HO HO!” Orton sneaks in, but HBK Lou Thesz Presses him. However, it still buys Edge time to get the Spear. All three men are down because EVEN ONE HALF OF DX CAN BEAT ALL OF THEIR RIVALS PUT TOGETHER I HATE THIS SHOW. Edge goes outside and gets a chair. The bell rings? He hasn’t even done anything yet? Anyway, Dairy Queen. Degeneration Quex. Edge wants the one-man conchairto, but HBK kips up in such a way that he knocks the chair into Edge’s face. Now Orton gets drop toe-holded into a chair. HBK kicks Edge in the nuts. Now he kicks Orton in the nuts. HBK goes outside and gets the Triple H Memorial Sledgehammer. I have to admit, HBK is really bloody, at least. Sledgehammer shot to Edge’s ribs. Sledgehammer shot to Randy’s head. HBK drops the sledge and does those non-crotch crotch-chops he does. HBK sets down a chair. He lays Randy across it. Is he gonna give Edge and Orton a two-man one-man conchairto? No, as Edge is forced to retreat from a waving chair. Edge watches from the aisle as Orton gets one-man conchairtoed, so Team RKO may finally be getting split up since they don’t really have DX to feud with now. JR: “Going downtown with that conchairto!” Does this razor go…downtown? JR: “DX is not dead! DX lives, King!” Gee, great.
Final Thoughts: Other than HBK being all bloody, the main event was really nothing special, and Rated RKO killing Duggan AND Flair instead of just Flair doesn’t exactly make up for them jobbing like sissy girls to HBK in a handicap match. And even with half of the tandem gone, DX continues to be a million times more important than the (hateful) champ. I keep hearing about how Batista’s run as the champion on Smackdown has been really weak, but it can’t be much worse than this. Is Bobby “I…do…not…respect…uh…Test” Lashley the best champion Vince has?
