I love the Trigun music. I’m thinking of rebeaking another Doctor Who, but classes start next week so you may yet be safe.
Let’s start the year off right, with a montage of Cena and Kevin Federline.
Gay theme music for gays.
MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION IS TO RUCK EVEN MORE FULES is out. They’re not opening with the main event, are they? I smell screwjob. Lawler: “The former rapper thug versus the current rapper thug, JR!” Wait, which is which? Cena has THE STI…oh, he doesn’t. Lillian Garcia: “And now ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you, celebrated recording artist, dancer par excellence, television superstar, he is an all around entertainment mogul, he is Kevin FEDERLINE!” She had to read it off a card because of the length. Here comes TEAM FEDERLINE MEMBER KEVIN FEDERLINE. He has a boxing-style “Team Federline” robe, which is pretty funny. Lawler: “K-Fed!” Um, NO, he told us that’s wrong. His Stupidtron video also says K-Fed. Kevin Federline: “I was just talking to Coach Man, and there’s been a little change to our match!” Cena invites him in, but Kevin Federline keeps talking. Kevin Federline: “Tonight, it’s gonna be a no DQ, no disqualification, anything!” A no anything match. I WILL TRAIN YOU TO DO SEXY ELBOWS is Kevin Federline’s trainer, who comes out to…Kevin Federline’s music, boo. I prefer Nitro’s music to his music. And the he I refer to there is Kevin Federline. Lawler: “Kevin Federline is here! He’s stretched out! He’s…he’s got his gettin’-it-on-gear on!” He’s got his gettin’-it-on-gear on? Lawler tells us this is non-title, spoiling the ending for me. Federline (that’s Kevin Federline) dances about and punches Nitro’s hands. “We want Brittany” chant. Nitro gives Kevin Federline a mouth guard. Sadly, it does not say “VIOLENCE” on it. Kevin Federline dons gloves. JR thinks the ref should check them. Lawler: “What are you insinuating?” JR: “Exactly what I insinuated.” Kevin Federline dances about and prepares to fight, then Kevin Federline removes Kevin Federline’s robe and returns to the corner so Nitro can put on some boxing headgear. I mean Nitro doesn’t put it on himself, he puts it on Kevin Federline. Cena leans over and offers Kevin Federline a free headlock, Kevin Federline applies one, but Cena picks him up and throws him down. Kevin Federline retreats to the corner to confer with Nitro. Kevin Federline removes the gloves. Nitro passes in a chair, and…they’re setting up a Masterlock Challenge? A Kevin Federlinelock Challenge. After tons of stalling, Kevin Federline applies the Kevin Federlock, and Cena breaks it with ease. It is rather funny to hear both JR and Lawler refer to it as the Masterlock though. Kevin Federline loses the headgear and the mouth piece. Kevin Federline wants the test of strength. Kevin Federline uses both arms on Cena’s left arm, forcing him down. CODE RED APPLIED! Cena simply picks Kevin Federline up and sets him on the top rope. Nitro runs in and gets dumped to the floor immediately. The ref checks on Nitro, and Kevin Federline kicks Cena low from behind. Jonathan “Numb Nuts” Cena shrugs it off and pulls Kevin Federline up for the F-U. JR: “OH MY GOD UMAGA!” JIM ROSS’ GOD saves Kevin Federline and beats down Cena. ARMANDO ALEJANDRO EJESUS can be God’s son, sure. Umaga lays Cena out with a belt shot. Umaga and Estrada leave, and Kevin Federline comes back in to lean on Cena’s chest all sexily for 3. Does Kevin Federline’s theme music make reference to JR? Haha, Kevin Federline goes to high five some little fat kid, and the kid fucking pulls their hand away and gives Kevin Federline the double bird, awesome.
Commercials. Cedric the “Entertainer:” “You’ve never heard of Dutch chocolate? Ricola!” Hahaha, what a great gag. It would be even funnier if Ricola was Dutch, or chocolate flavored.
Moments ago, Kevin Federline.
Kevin Federline, Johnny Nitro, and some whores walk the halls screaming. They enter a room whose door is marked “Kevin Federline.” I AM SO STUPID I THINK HIS NAME IS K-FED is Maria, who starts knocking on the door screaming, “K-Fed! K-Fed!” JEZ E. BELL is Melina. Haha, that stupid nickname reminded me of James’ insane southern belle fiancée. Back when I liked Pokemon, a million years ago. Melina: “First of all, his name isn’t K-Fed, it’s KEVIN FEDERLINE!” Maria tries to undercut the big win by mentioning Umaga. Melina calls Maria out, screams “BITCH” and slaps the shit out of her, haha. Lawler: “She just slapped Maria’s…face almost off!” I’m gonna slap you FACE…almost OFF!
DX are standing around somewhere.
Meanwhile, everyone is celebrating in the Kevin Federline lockerroom. Except Melina, who stays in character God love her by being pissed about Maria. COACH MAN invades. He starts blathering about how the new year will be rough on Cena. Nitro keeps yelling stupid shit in the background like “YOU THE MAN!” Coach books Cena vs Umaga, Estrada, himself, and Nitro in a four on one handicap match later tonight for some reason. I suppose if you live in the storyline as a character, you don’t have the perspective to tell when you’re setting yourself up to give a recently defeated face his heat back. Coach: “You see John Cena’s in for a very, VERY happy…new year.” What?
Commercials. Starburst ad. Nothing makes me want to buy a food product more than some (part 2 of) kinda sea cow puking tons of water.
We’re still in Miami. Some…sports person is in the crowd. Oh, it’s the NBA Champions, the Stevie Night Heat. And hey, it’s Kazam. WOULD YOU PLEASE SIGN FOR DELIVERY OF THE HOOD? are bringing the hood to us. They huggle with Shaq, who then searches his fatass sweatpants and finds that his wallet is gone, har har. Watch out, he might use Shaq-Fu on you. Wait, they’re facing A COUPLA WEE MACLARTYS aka the Highlanders? Oh, it’s an 8-man-tag. So, in episode one of The Mind Robber, which follows directly from the last episode of the previous story, Zoe’s outfit is soiled. I mean it got dirty, she didn’t shit herself. So Jamie suggests she change, because she looks “like a wee maclarty.” Zoe responds, of course, by saying “What?” Jamie tries to clarify his statement by telling her she looks like a ragamuffin. I went on Google and spent a few minutes at it, but I could find no leads on just what the fuck a maclarty is. It might help if I knew for sure that that’s how it’s spelled. Anyway, way more than you wanted to know about the Highlanders’ nickname. JR makes a surprisingly good crack about what it would be like to hear Cryme Tyme and the Highlanders planning out strategy. WOW DX LOOKS DIFFERENT ALL OF THE SUDDEN are Cade and Murdoch, who still exist. TEAM ALL-AMERICANS FROM OUTER SPACE are Shelton and Charlie. Charlie’s wet hair and headband make him look really dirty, but he’s a lot less fun as Shelton’s partner than he was as crazy guy dancing around celebrating Shelton’s rare singles wins. Though that only happened once. Cade starts with Rory, or if you’re our commentators, “Robbie.” Rory goes for a crossbody off the top. He gets called Robbie some more. Tag to JTG, but Cade kicks and clubbers. Cade runs into a drop toehold. JTG gets tripped illegal-like by Murdoch. Tag to Haas for clubbering. He sends JTG into the corner. JR complains that he didn’t remove his dew-rag. Butterfly suplex by Haas for 2. Tag to Shelton, but Haas clotheslines JTG for good measure. Murdoch tags himself in before Shelton can do anything, and Shelton is pissed. Cade is tagged in. He goes up top. Posing, then he misses a Macho Elbow. Shad is tagged in to not job exclusively. Big boot for Murdoch. Back suplex. Everyone in the world runs in. Shelton kicks Rory’s motherfucking face right off. Everyone knocks everyone else out of the ring, and only Shad and Murdoch are left. Jawbreaker by Shad. JTG sneaks up and reverse hot-shots Cade. Shad covers for 3. Haas kicks in the general direction of the goodies. Lawler: “Rules are like piñatas!” Full of candy.
Commercials. Why does everyone in the movie “alpha dog” look like Kevin Federline?
Wrestlemania Recall. Whoa, Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant fought each other?
THE ENIGMATIC CHARISMA is our Intercontinental Champion, even though he never wins. HAHA I REALLY DO LOVE QUEBEC IT WAS AN UBERCON is Rob Conway, who…has the stick? He says that it’s a new year, and he’s sick of being everyone’s whipping boy. If he doesn’t beat Jeff Hardy tonight, he will quit RAW. Don’t you have to be on RAW to quit RAW? Haha, his fantastic theme music is even more fantastic when it hits suddenly and he walks all angrily to it. Lawler thinks Conway hasn’t been the same since splitting with “Sylvan,” and implies that Grenier is tearing up the Smackdown world. Lawler makes fun of Conway for never winning. It’s sad, because at one point, Lawler was as retardedly enthusiastic about saying, “It’s not, it’s not your way JR, haha! It’s not, my way! No! It’s THE CON WAY!” as Coach was about repeating the phrase “the Ego Trip” a million times in a row. Speaking of retarded, the last solid Conway on RAW memory I have was him interrupting the magical retard party the “legends” were throwing for Eugene and eating everyone’s finishers. Conway clubbers frantically. He whips Hardy into the corner, chases him in, and…gets rolled up for 3. Man. I still have some affection from Conway. Just appearing dressed as a male stripper and declaring that he had been pretending to love Quebec for three years FOR NO REASON was just that great a moment. SWAGGER LEE MARSHALL is Vince McMahon, who invades. If anyone ever calls him a wee maclarty, then his outfit must be really, properly soiled. Lawler: “It’s Miami Vince!” Idiot. Conway stays in the ring because how can Vince take ten minutes to get around to firing him if he leaves? Vince talks about new year’s resolutions. It only took Conway a minute to break his, har har. Vince promises not to be so nice. Again, har har. Vince shows Rosie O’Donnell on the Stupidtron and calls her “Yokozuna” for some reason. Oh, he’s actually talking about Donald Trump, who thinks he invented the phrase “you’re fired.” Vince says he invented it. Um, neither of you idiots invented it, actually. Finally, to Conway: “YOU’RE FIAAAAAHRED!” I hope Conway shows up in TNA (wrestling as “The Hoax Man”) and reveals he was spying for them all along and his entire WWE career was an elaborate you-know-what. JR: “Mr. McMahon’s cooler than the hwah!” The what? The hawk? The hog? The hall?
Commercials. It’s frustrating when you keep getting jerked around by college administration, never getting to speak with a person as you get sent from one voicemail to another. But it’s just that little bit worse to me when one of about eight people who you have to deal with to get a problem fixed has “Have a blessed day” on their voicemail message at their, you know, professional real-world job.
Commercials. The Breed. “The dogs on this island are CRAZY!” Hahahahaha.
Our HAHAHA RICOLA HAHAHA Rewind is Kenny defeating Ric Flair by, amongst other things, throwing him off the top turnbuckle.
GRISH MAN is going to interview DYKESTRA, THAT’S MY NAME. He has a last name. He’s wearing a sweatband incorrectly. Kenny: “Todd, you ever hear that saying, death comes in threes?” Todd: “Yeah.” Kenny: “Well I’m gonna show you how death comes in fours. James Brown, President Ford, Saddam Hussein (throat cut gesture, hope Al Jazeera isn’t watching, or Al Jazzier if you follow my spellchecker’s recommendation) and now, Ric Flair’s career!” Why not just say Ric Flair? It’s way more heel and makes only slightly less sense. The Natural Born Spirit Squadders won’t stop until somebody DIES.
Here’s a shot of a Miami waterfront. This reminds me of the ultra irritating boat race mission you have to do for the Cubans in Vice City. Mark Cuban and his Posse. Now JR tells us that Ric Flair was a “mentor” to DX. He practically raised Chyna from boyhood. Now for an incredibly long montage of Team RKO killing Flair, set to way over the top music. Here’s Team RKO ripping DX apart some. The music is still all dramatic. I’m waiting for Fu So Ya and Golbez to appear and inspire me to defeat Zeromus. Haha, now Orton’s voice gets slowed down so it sounds demonic. I wonder if he can now possess Josh Matthews and turn the tables on the Undertaker.
DX, inspired by that montage, walk.
Commercials. Fake dead guys in trash cans stop people from smoking.
RIC FLAIR GOT THROWN OFF THE TOP A MILLION TIMES SO WE COULD LEARN TO SWANTON BOMB are DX, masters of the swanton bomb. Wow, half the crowd are using neon green glowsticks to make X’s. This is the gayest crowd ever. Stalling. More stalling. Trips acts like he’s going to talk, then holds the mic towards the crowd. Triple H: “Speak to me Miami!” SPEAK TO ME WARRIORS! Triple H: “ARE YOU READY?” TO COME OUT TO PLAYAAAA? They start the normal routine, but Shawn interrupts Trips (way past his cue so Trips has to pause for a really long time) and gets all serious about Ric Flair’s agonizing death. That he has already recovered from. Shawn makes some snarky comment about the “greatest in-ring performer of his generation, I am STILL waiting to face that guy!” Who? I’d guess he means Angle, but yeah, he’s fought Angle a bunch of times. He’s dissing people who are “jerking the curtain somewhere,” so I guess he means Angle. Now he talks about Edge and Orton. At length. He talks about their “set.” It “grows bigger and bigger.” Now that Shawn Michaels has gone over their testicles and their size, Trips gets to talk. He calls Team RKO “girls” and says they’re not here because of a “double yeast infection.” The crowd applauds their cleverness. Triple H talks about shoving Vince’s head up Big Show’s ass. Now he discusses Frosted Mini-Wheats. They have a “sugary side” and “the side where the two most ruthless bastards to ever set foot inside this ring live.” So, DX lives on the wheat side? Triple H tries to get all intense, but his segue from wacky to serious was Frosted Mini-Wheats. I think this was longer than the 8-man tag.
Commercials. This Skittles ad is gross. Why are food ads so disgusting now?
JR: “Get this King, fruity, delicious, DELICIOUS, fruity, fruity, FRUITY, SKITTLES! Do ya like the Skittles?” What the FUCK was that? APPLE ASS has “Apple” written on the ass of her sweatpants for some reason. Perhaps to indicate that this is where road apples come from. Melina looks hot, even in sweats, but I prefer the ludicrous French Maid from Outer Space outfit. JR: “PELVIC THRUST!” Lawler: “What are you talking about?” JR went insane during the break. BITCH is Maria, who is still selling the face. Here’s a replay of the slap. A LADY THAT YOU MIGHT MESS WITH BUT IT WOULD BE INADVISABLE is wearing jeans and…a bra, basically. If you’re not wrestling, can’t you wear normal clothes? Wait, her ass says apple and…something. What’s going on? The in-ring girls roll around. Victoria complains about how she never gets to do anything at Wrestlemania. Victoria: “I am here to prove a point, that I am here for a reason.” Great point. Melina is beating up Maria. She ties Maria’s hair up in the ropes and knees her in the face a lot. Lawler notes that there’s a blank spot on Victoria’s list, and tries to hint as loudly as possible that Melina has not been killed by Victoria yet. Maria fights back, but misses one of those magic dropkicks that hurts you if it misses but not if it hits. Melina tries a jackknife cover, but…they fucking fall over sideways and Melina has to release and stack her up for 3. Just awful. Victoria comes in and teases attacking Melina, but backs off. Oh man, that would actually have been sort of interesting. Instead, she goes after A PRETTY, FEMALE VERSION OF THE BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE GUY, aka Lillian Garcia. I USED TO BE IN PORN HOW CAN GOOD NICKNAMES BE SO HARD (HEE HEE “HARD”) runs in and saves. Victoria flees, then paws at her hair crazily.
Commercials. I don’t even know which Diva is on the cover of this magazine. Seriously, they have run together that bad.
Last week, Iraq. This event led directly to Saddam’s execution. Quit sniffing at sleeping Lillian, CM Punk. Quit wearing Black woman earrings, Maria. Haha, melodramatic troops pose.
I TAUGHT DX THAT THE SUN REVOLVES AROUND THE EARTH AND THAT IF YOU SAIL TOO FAR IN ANY DIRECTION YOU WILL FALL OFF INTO SPACE is here. He will be teaming with I SPIT ON THE PANTS OF PEOPLE WHO…WEAR PANTS who must be somehow connected to all the Apple pants. Haha, hilarious fan sign: a huge W with about twenty rows and twenty columns of tiny, irregularly spaced o’s. Oh, Carlito has Torrie with him, but I don’t want to give her a nickname because she’s not wearing pants. (Imaginary Lawler: “Haha! Woohoo!”) Flair and Carlito shake hands because they’re good friends and did not have a nasty, bitter feud last year. THAT KEVIN FEDERLINE FELLOW MUST BE FILTHY RICH TO JUST GIVE CENA ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS OF HIS OWN MONEY LIKE THAT is out, as is I WISH FLAIR WAS MY MENTOR SO HE COULD SHOW ME HOW TO WEAR A SWEATBAND. Kenny said he was the future of the business earlier, and HBK made fun of it, and I ignored it. Masters immediately tags out to Kenny. Carlito gets sent to the ropes, but ranas Kenny. JR and Lawler mention that Kenny is 20 years old a thousand times. Carlito gets distracted and Kenny takes over. Masters tags in and misses with an elbow. Tag to Flair, ho does a chop block. Chops. Going for the Figure-4? What the fuck? Kenny has to break it up. Did the “Kenny Wants to Join Team RKO” angle just get dropped? And…we’re going to commercial? Are you shitting me?
Commercials. Don’t shit me or I will look like a wee maclarty.
We’re back, and Masters is stretching Carlito’s back across Masters’ knee. During the break, Carlito got tripped. Tag to Kenny. Punch, no, Carlito locked. I mean blocked. YOU WILL PASS OUT TO MY CARLITOLOCK. JR: “Downward spiral.” FORESHADOWING. Tag to Masters for a top rope double axehandle. Masters yells some. Tag to Kenny. Shades of the FBI. Ninja chokeout by Kenny. Carlito chops free, but runs into a flying reverse elbow by Dykestra, who is now called Dykestra and not Kenny. And he’s 20. Tag to Masters, who does the always stupid move where you jump up and sit on a guy. Carlito gets doubleteamed in the corner some. Kenny hot-shots him. Butterfly suplex by Masters. It gets 2. Ninja chokeout by Masters. Carlito elbows out, runs into a press slam, and…gets press slammed. I’m so bored. Flair woos to wake the crowd up. Masters punches. Carlito goes for a springboard reverse elbow, and he gets a lot of height which unfortunately just makes it take forever to connect so Masters has to stand there stupidly. Which, you know, he’s good at. Carlito looking to tag, but Kenny rushes in and knocks Flair off the apron. Now Kenny throws Flair into the steps. Back in the ring, Masters wants the Masterlock, and JR informs us that Coachman officially undid that one troop breaking the Masterlock. After a million years of Carlito almost being choked out by the Masterlock, Flair comes in and clips Masters’ leg. Masters tags out to Dykestra. He puts Carlito in the corner, but misses the corner splash. Tag to Flair, who chops. JR: “Shades of Wahoo McDaniel!” Traditional Injun shades, made with eagle feathers. I like how I capitalized Injun, which is obviously a proper noun. Flair goes for the Figure-4, but Masters stumbles in and attacks. Carlito takes Masters out of the ring. Dykestra wants his infamous Figure-20 Leglock, but Flair kicks him off. Lawler: “Kenny eats the turnbuckle!” JR: “There’s no barbeque sauce on that turnbuckle, lemmie tell ya!” Flair charges in, but Dykestra manages to cover him with his feet on the ropes to win anyway. What a horrible match. Flair has THE STICK. Flair: “This ain’t over yet kid! If you want my respect, if you want the respect of this audience, you get out here, and keep this goin’!” It must be handy to be able to say that every time you lose. VAMPIRE HUNTERS R(KO) come out. They need to get some stakes and garlic to kill Ric Flair permanently. RKO on Flair. Edge has a vampire/pirate shirt with a fleur-de-lis on it. Purchased from the newly poor Vampire Rob Conway. At least he said he was a real vampire. Edge does the one-man-conchairto. Considering that the very first one-man-conchairto was Edge being hideously betrayed by his own flesh and blood, you’d think he’d, you know, not want to use that move every fucking week. DX fails to save because they have gone from being in every segment of every RAW to showing up ten minutes before their talky segment and immediately leaving.
Commercials. More gross Skittles ads.
Moments ago, Ric Flair died again. Is this new, or did they just redub a show from a few weeks ago? Wait, Kevin Federline pinned Cena. Could have been computer graphics, I suppose.
A run down of the card for New Year’s Revolution. JR describes Umaga as “the biggest challenge, in my estimation, ever!” Forget putting a man on the Moon, John Cena has to hold down a fat islander for three whole seconds!
Early tonight, the Cena/Kevin Federline match ended in an upset victory for Kevin Federline when Kevin Federline scored a pinfall. To the delight of all Kevin Federline fans.
Commercials. Ricolo is Swiss, and it tastes like herbs and shit, goddamnit.
K-FED WAS A BACK UP DANCER HAHA!! gets his name from a fan sign in which “HAHA!!” is underlined TWICE. He is not actually K-Fed, of course, but Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline: “Ha ha ha!” He (Kevin Federline) tells Cena that he can’t see him (Kevin Federline.) THE REST OF TEAM FEDERLINE come out. If only Bill Alphonso was here blowing his whistle constantly and screaming like an idiot. Coach is out first, then Nitro. Kevin Federline: “That’s my boy!” Lawler asks Kevin Federline for a prediction on Nitro vs Jeff Hardy at the ppv. Kevin Federline: “Man I don’t know, we’ll see what’s gonna happen, my boy!” Umaga and Estrada are out last. Their opponent in this awful match is AMERICA’S MOST DEFEATED BY KEVIN FEDERLINE. Kevin Federline: “People all over the world know what I’m about!” Being Kevin Federline? And not K-Fed? Cena starts by attacking Umaga. He punches Coach and Estrada on the apron. Umaga charges, but misses, and Cena shoulderblocks him for 1. Umaga charges Cena, but Cena does the old low bridge. Nitro comes in. Kevin Federline: “Oh my goodness, oh Nitro!” He sounds really gay. Cena clotheslines him a lot. Imperfectplex. Nitro gets Palumboized. Or Angleized. The Greatest In-Ring Performer of His Generationized. But now Cena runs into a Samoan Drop. Lawler talks about how many fans are here. Kevin Federline: “These are my fans! Ha ha!” Umaga goes for some fatty splash, but Cena gets his knees up. Nitro gets killed. Coach and Estrada get slingshotted into the ring. STFU on Umaga? Ok. Estrada comes in with a chair, but Cena takes it. Chairshot for Umaga. And…another. Kevin Federline, flatly: “Cena cheated.” It is indeed a Dairy Queen. John Cena’s 2007 record, 0-0-2. Well, they don’t really have draws very much in wrestling, but whatever. FU for Nitro, FU for Coachman. Now he sprints out of the ring and grabs Kevin Federline. It’s actually (part 2 of) kinda cool, because he comes so fast Kevin Federline actually does look shocked. He tosses Kevin Federline into the ring and sets up the FU. Ross: “Cena doesn’t forget! Cena doesn’t forget!” A John Cena’s faithful, one hundred percent. I sure do love RAWs that end with John Cena beating a million guys.
Final Thoughts: Yeah it was bad, but it was par for the course. Seeing that Jason over at rocksandbeans (now with archiving searching powar) wrote a RAW recap, I was tempted to work really hard on this to make it funny. I resisted that temptation.
