I AM ZE KARKUS: I got a lot of neat stuff for Christmas, including a box-set of all the MGM Marx Brothers movies, some Rocky and Bullwinkle, some Jet Li movies, and other things that are really cool but surprised me since I never mentioned any of them to anyone this year. Supes got me Trigun from some on-line guys who we are now deeply suspicious of because the packaging was so crap we thought it might be bootlegged. It also came with the first few episodes of some show called “Gunslinger Girl” that Supes by no means asked for. We figure they’re trying to get you hooked. You know, the first one’s free, kid. I’ve heard good things about Gunslinger Girl, but mostly I have heard these things from pervs. Oh yeah, “I am Ze Karkus.” Dad pulled the two most asterisked classic Doctor Who vids off my list, crusty old Jon Pertwee episode “The Three Doctors” and crustier, older Patrick Troughton episode “The Mind Robber.” I probably had unreasonable expectations for The Mind Robber, because it stars my favorite Doctor (the Moe one) and is really highly regarded. It was pretty good. The plot involves a world where, for reasons that make perfect sense but only at the very end, fictional characters come to life and (for the most part) try to kill poor Jamie, Zoe and the Doctor. One particularly clever device was using a comic book character from the viewer’s future and Zoe’s past so they could avoid copywrite issues and Zoe could still explain who he was. He was Ze Karkus, and he wore a goofy-as-shit muscle suit. During an exciting fighting sequence, tiny, delicate Zoe kicks him squarely in the ass and it’s really, really funny. She also makes him tap to her devastating side headlock finisher. The Three Doctors features William “Almost Dead” Hartnell appearing on a monitor in pre-recorded footage being deeply, deeply embarrassed by his first two regenerations in action. It also features a villain who manages by overacting like mad while wearing a completely inarticulate mask to have the net effect of being only slightly overacted.
Oh yeah, the new Doctor Who had it’s season 2 finale over Christmas weekend. Even my Dad liked it, so I can only assume any WVers who saw it were impressed.
We open with I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE LIFE ITSELF I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ALL OF YOU, the WWE Champion, or World Champion, one of those. Haha, here is a “John Cena Will You Marry Me?” sign, mercifully being held by a female soldier. Holy shit, does that sign be “John Cena Be My Baby’s Daddy?” I can’t find a freeze frame that makes it clear. COALITION OF THE TORONTO UNAMERICAN COMMUNIST WHO ALSO HATES THE TROOPS is Edge, who gets a few boos, but mostly the crowd is just happy with life right now. JR and Lawler immediately start on how great the WWE is for doing this. TNA wanted to do a show in Iraq, but Samoa Joe offended the local Muslims by eating a baby. With his LEFT hand. “Cena” chant. Cena with a headlock, and he holds it even as Edge tries to send him to the ropes for something interesting. Cena takes him down, but holds on. Edge tries to backdrop out, but Cena holds on. Edge finally sends Cena to the ropes, but Cena shoulderblocks him and puts the headlock back on. JR: “Cena, certainly doesn’t have a refined wrestling style.” He goes on to say “ground and pound,” and to claim Cena has “opened his envelope a little bit more these past few weeks” which is a big fat lie. Unless his envelope is full of shoulderblocks. Edge gets to the ropes and forces a break, and takes over with a thumb to the eye. Edge barely gets any offense off this heelery before Cena takes over with an armdrag. JR: “Power hiplock takeover!” More armdrags. A cover for 2. Cena sends Edge to a corner but stumbles in (with no exit strategy OHOHOHO) and eats turnbuckle before being DDTed. Edge with punches. This is non-title, so Edge is TOTALLY going to win. Edge with more punches. Edge tries the mounted ten-punch countalong, and the crowd does count with him, but Cena escapes by dumping him face-first onto the top turnbuckle. Cena sends Edge into another corner. Imperfectplex. A cover for 2. Cena punches. JR: “Cena likes that right hand.” He sends Edge to the ropes and Papa Shangos, and gets kicked in the face. Edge kicks and stuff. He mocks the YCSM taunt. More punches. JR blames jet lag for Cena actually having trouble defeating Edge. Cena punches back, gets on the apron, and they trade punches until Cena makes his way up top, but Edge never really stops fighting and knocks him right to the floor. Edge with a baseball slide dropkick sending Edge into the security railing. And…we’re going to break. Not exactly a fantastic match, but it’s nice to see them going beyond a bunch of squash matches here.
Commercials. Black Christmas announcer guy: “Some people have expressed outrage over a Christmas movie this disturbing.” Ha, you wish, then you’d actually get some publicity.
We’re back, and Edge has applied the sexy, sexy rear-naked-choke. JR admits that he and Lawler are in the WWE studios in Stamford and not live in Iraq. What a bunch of liberal Hollywood queermos. Cena powers out and gets the Throwback at some point. Is that was that flipping snap neckbreaker from behind thing is called? He really must love the troops, as he never bothers with that on RAW otherwise. Both men slow to rise, and when they do, Cena charges into a big boot. Edge goes out for a chair, the ref grabs it, and Cena rolls Edge up for 2. Edge kicks Cena again. JR and Lawler keep talking about Team RKO beating down DX last week, but come on, nobody cares. Cena punches back, but runs into a fancy kick by Edge. Edge covers for 2. Edge stalking Cena, hahaha, Camel Clutch applied. The fans chant “USA.” Cena powers up. JR: “John Cena, he’s a horse!” He has horse blood flowing in his veins. Or at least horse testosterone. Both men slow to rise after Edge falls backwards on Edge. Both guys punch a lot. Lawler: “So much for the wrestling, let’s throw that out the window!” You always do. Cena obviously gets the better of this. Punches, shoulderblock, that one move, YCSM, FKS, Marine Salute, I, oh, he didn’t salute. Edge tries to float out of the corner, Cena catches him and wants the F-U, but Edge slips out...Implant DDT! That’s his move, Tony! But nobody remembers that and Cena kicks out. Edge goes up top, but Cena catches him, and Edge slips out of that an Electric Chair Drops him! Nice. Edge wants the Spear. Cena sidesteps and gets the F-U on the rebound for the win. Better than I expected, what with them in the desert and everything.
Some General comes out. They don’t seem to be pretending this part is live. He gets a round of applause for the WWE, and assures us (the audience at home) that the military is up to the task at hand.
Commercials. Sneak King. It will take a while for me to get sick of this.
Here’s that “So This is Christmas” song over a montage of the WWE visiting soldiers. Melina and CM Punk surprise me by getting to go. There’s Taker. Is that from this year, I wonder? One of the, I guess Smackdown Divas looks like Jazz after a much needed nose-job.
COBRA…COBRAAAAAA is CM Punk, enemy of all GI Joes. He takes a break from snorting Pepsi (his anti-drug that he takes…as a drug) and wishes us a Merry Christmas.
I MUST PREVENT CRYME TYME FROM FENCING STOLEN GOODS TO THE TERRORISTS THEY’D DO THAT YOU KNOW is Shelton Benjamin. Shelton: “Heya Ma, I just wanted to say ‘Happy Holidays’ to all my family back home.” Then he turns off camera. “Was that good enough? Was that what you want?” Haha, HEEL. JR and Lawler call him a “scrooge” and we learn he’ll be facing Punk for some reason, next.
Commercials. Sean Bean as a psycho killer in a horror film? What kind of horror film sees the main bad guy die in the first fifteen minutes?
New Year’s Revolution ad. DX in tri-corner hats. Being historically unfunny.
CM Punk just got a nickname. The crowd doesn’t really seem to know who he is so much. Shelton was already in the ring. Ain’t no entrance for him, noooooow! CM Punk slips out of whatever and armdrags Shelton. Shelton gets in Punk’s grill, and gets shoved. Shelton tries a cheapshot, but Punk blocks, and Shelton bails to serious heel heat. Shelton tries to walk out, so Punk chases him down and throws him back in. Punching. Shelton kicks Punk in the gut and Angleizes him in the corner. Sending him into another corner. Hammerlock slam? No, he does a sort of hammerlock shoulderbreaker. Ross mentions the Horsemen on that one. Shelton with some armbar thing, and Punk punches out, but Shelton pulls him down by the hair. Shelton covers for 2. More armbarrery. Punk tries to fight out, but gets kneededed. Punk whips Shelton into the ropes and fancykicks him to come back. Lots of clotheslines and knees, though he sells the hurt arm nicely. Bulldog for 2. Wow, random, Blackhawk flyover. Punk goes up top, and Shelton motherfucking springs up there and snap-superplexes him. Badass. It only gets 2. Shelton jaws with the ref before trying the Stingar Splash, but Punk evades and rolls him up for 3. I wouldn’t mind seeing these two go at it in a longer match. And one in which CM Punk had a decent finisher.
Up next, Undertaker vs Johnny Nitro. Oh God.
Some troops pretend to wrestle.
Commercials. Rapping about Monk, frustrated jet-setting caveman, etc. Even though you only hear a few bars of it, I love the song from the frustrated jet-setting caveman commercial. “And everywhere I go, there’s always something to remind me, of another place and time.” It isn’t my theme song or anything. That’s still the JG remix of the K9 theme.
MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY JESUS HOPE YOU LIKE WATCHING SIMULATED SEX are Nitro and Melina, who no longer really simulate sex in their ring entrance but I still like the nickname. Lawler says “abreast” and it isn’t funny. Haha, there are troops with cameras in the aisle. JR: “Military paparazzi!” Their opponent is MISTER AMERICAN PRIIIIIDE which is a reference to Supes and I as youngsters watching the (already old) Undertaker’s first babyface Survivor Series when he joined the All-Americans (after Tatanka ate a boat) by saying he respected “American Priiiiiiiide.” His voice was all gravelly. We thought it was funny. Oh yeah, he opened his scary mortician overcoat to reveal an American flag pattern on the inside, which was pretty fucking hilarious. Taker fails to make everything go black. Isn’t it a bit…tasteless for “The Undertaker” to be out entertaining troops whose lives are at risk? Eh, they seem to be cool with him. The entrance is really abbreviated, and he has no coat or hat, because he’d probably pass out from the full entrance in the desert heat. Fan sign: “PUNISH THE DESERVING.” Creepy. Nitro runs and hides behind the ref. Nitro bails out, haha, but then bails back in under Taker (haha, under Taker, whee) and tries punches. Taker just grabs him by the throat and tosses him into the corner for clubberings. Here’s a replay of Nitro bumping his ass off on the toss. Taker does armwringers and stuff, setting up Old School, but then he doesn’t even do it. JR: “Greco-Roman knucklelock.” JR: “Nitro is getting an education at the hands of the Master.” Perhaps Taker is teaching Nitro how to burn off Torgo’s hand, or maybe he’s teaching him how to sabotage a TARDIS by stealing the temporal stabilizer. Ok, here’s Old School. Haha, here’s a shot of two fans marking out, and many more fans next to them not caring at all. Last Ride attempt, but Nitro flips free and enzoogweerees Taker. Taker getting hotshotted across the top rope. Melina screaming. Lawler: “Is that what she does when she’s happy?” Nitro is firing away on Taker, but the moment is over, and he gets clotheslined. Lawler makes “stocking stuffing” jokes about Melina. Snake-Eyes. Big boot. Goozle, chokeslam. Taker circles. Do the troops get a Tombstone? Yes they do, for 3. JR congratulates Nitro on putting up a great fight, which was actually pretty nice of him. Some fans bow to Taker. He stands around as JR and Lawler assure us he respects the troops. Out goes the tongue. Here’s some half-assed smoke coming out of the ring steps. That or Taker had the chili for lunch, HEYO!
ARMY BRATZ FASHION DOLL is an Army Brat, and sang a very special national anthem earlier. Here it is. Yeah, let’s make sure we get a shot of Vince saluting in there, uh-huh.
Commercials. Liu Lucy must find the two great heroes of the land, Cedric the Entertainer and a goat. This is one of those commercial blurbs that will be awesome in a few months when no one remembers this ad at all.
Let’s talk to some troops about how dangerous all this is. Here’s footage from a camera of a mortar attack, and oh yeah, this is that attack Cole reported on on WWE.com. Cole was an actual radio news guy before he got the WWE gig, I hear. Wait, what was Cole doing in Iraq anyway? WHOA HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I DOING IN IRAQ HELP ME! (w/CHAD IS IN TROUBLE! MARS STAR POWER! and MY EXPERIENCE FIGHTING DIRTY AMERICANS IN THE PACIFIC WILL SAVE YOU) is referee Chad Patton, who said something.
Lashley and Hardcore Holly warm up. What did the troops do to deserve this? And does Sofa have to rebeak my rebeak of this now? Better spellcheck.
Commercials. Cena says “back off, jack off” about Bischoff, but it’s supposed to be about K-Fed now.
ECW proudly presents an elemental battle between their wooded champion and their metallic…guy. It’s MOKUJIN KEN vs ULTRAMAN for the first time ever outside of Japan. And ever, possibly, though I’m sure Ultraman has fought some Mokujin variant before. Guess how much I want to see this match? Here’s footage of Lashley winning the ECW title. Apparently Lashley’s big ECW push is one problem you can’t blame on Vince, because while Heyman wanted Lashley to be a heel, it was still Paul who was all about Lashley being a major player in the NEW (read: shitty) ECW. Haha, Holly is already in the ring, what a jobber. Lashley backs Holly into the corner. JR sucks up to the Armed Forced Network. Lashley picks Holly up and press slams him like he was fucking Sho Funaki. I mean, not like he was copulating with Sho Funaki, but you know. JR, on Holly: “I think he needs to hit the decaf, early and often.” What? Holly wants a test of strength and kicks as Lashley goes for it, but Lashley no-sells and beats him up. Suplex, cover for 2. Delayed vertical suplex, complete with playing to the crowd, for 2. Lashley clubbers and kicks in the corner. Holly bails out as JR and Lawler discuss “the bearded one.” Lashley chases him, but Holly throws him into the steps to take over. Back in the ring, Holly does a snap-mare, then some stomps. Holly tosses Lashley into the corner. He’s trying to Palumboize him, but Lashley doesn’t sell it right. Armbar, and some generic arm attax. Pulling the arm against the ropes. Clubbering. Lashley clubbers back, and gets a belly2belly on Holly. The crowd counts along with the ref. Holly charges right into a shoulderblock. Clothesline. Lashley with a kneelift. Signalling for the Dominator? No, it’s the Human Torture Rack, into Shock Treatment. Lashley covers for 2, because stolen TNA finishers only get 2 counts. Lashley with a suplex o something while I look away. Holly takes over with brawling. He wants the Alabama Slam, but Lashley rolls through. Strolling Powerslam by Lashley…for 3. Ok. Some fan leans against Lashley and blows the camera kisses. I’ll just leave that sentence unqualified. He salutes, and it’s a lot less forced than when Cena does it.
They talk to some troop in the Iraqi defense force, surprisingly.
Commercials. My name is Little Vongo, I download from the Congo.
Chris Masters challenges any troop to break the Masterlock later…tonight! Or today! Whenever this happened!
Another montage. Haha, they talk to “Chris Masters’ Fiance’s Brother.” Dark Helmet.
Up next, Jeff Hardy vs Umaga. Aren’t the good guys supposed to win at these Iraq shows?
Commercials. The SOCOM ads seem a bit tacky, but no more so than the Undertaker showing up.
THIS WEEK I’M THE AMERICAN SAMOAN BULLDOZER *THUMBS UP* is here. There is a pretty decent Samoan population in the Army, actually. Lawler and Ross try to make jokes about buying Christmas gifts for Umaga, but they clearly didn’t prepare anything. Umaga’s opponent, as previously mentioned, is DON’T ASK DON’T TELL. Ross tells us this is non-title. D’OH YOU JUST GAVE THE ENDING AWAY! Jeff runs around and eats a shoulderblock. Jeff ducks some stuff and gets a flying forearm that’s useless. Sunset flip, and Umaga fights it for three hours before trying to sit on Jeff and missing. Umaga gets sent outside, and Jess kicks him through the ropes. Jeff dives outside, but Umaga catches him and rams him into the post. Jeff gets thrown into some stairs. I want to watch Trigun, I just got to where Wolfwood shows up earlier. Back in the ring, and Umaga headbutts. Legdrop. Kicks. Retarded Samoan/Vulcan nerve hold. JR tells us that Hollywood super fish-o posers won’t come to Iraq. I look away for a second and miss the only move in like a minute, a Samoan Drop. Umaga goes up. Air Samoa…misses. Jeff does a few punches, then clotheslines and flying forearms, but it just leads to Fatty Won’t Fall Down dancing. A jawbreaker and a Whyspyr yn thy Wynd knock him down. Jeff wants the Twist of Fate, Umaga wants the spike, but Jeff wants the Twist again and…gets it! Going up, but the Swanton hits knees. Umaga stomps a bit. Running ass smash. I mean, Face Full of Poi. Samoan Spike, and Umaga wins. The troops are just as happy as you’d think. JR: “It’s gonna take a special person…to end the undefeated streak of Umaga.” Eugene, you’re up. Here’s a replay of the Face Full of Poi with Umaga amusingly starting out by seeming to pose before a US flag backdrop.
More back-patting montage.
Carlito talks to some chick.
Commercials. Did you know that Monk is on USA? It’s true!
HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, WILL CAUSE ME TO JOIN THE US ARM-AY is here. Supes asked me if Orton got extra heel heat, because though I completely forgot about this they did make a big deal about Orton being a deserter when he was feuding with Foley. Fortunately for Orton, the troops in general seem to have a memory more like mine than Super Asia’s. Lawler: “And how this man, Randy Orton can even show his face on Christmas is beyond me.” What the fuck are you talking about? Randy Orton, the renowned enemy of Christmas. I guess he’s still on about DX being beaten down. Holy shit…the show is almost over, and DX is nowhere to be seen! Wow. I’m not missing them or anything, but what a couple of fuckers, to completely dominate every RAW, but not bother to show up for the “Support the Troops” special. I SPIT IN THE FACE OF AL-QAEDA *THUMBS UP* is out next. I just noticed a little change in Carlito’s theme. Where it used to go, “You know what cool is? You’re looking at it,” it now seems to go “You know what cool is? You’re cool.” His theme somehow subtly started kissing our asses and we didn’t even notice. Carlito points to a Puerto Rican flag some fans have in the front row of the entryway. JR: “The arrogance of Randy Orton, it’s almost as if he’s above being in the ring with Carlito.” Well, normally, yeah. JR: “Chris Masters has attempted to underestimate Carlito.” Attempted? Carlito and Randy fight over wristlocks and headlocks. Orton gets Carlito into the corner and cheapshots him on the break. Melodramatic douche pose, and Carlito takes over and does the ten-punch-countalong. Armdrag into an armbar by Carlito. Randy thumbs Carlito in the eye, then gets a dropkick. JR: “It’s so ironic how Orton can use a great move like a standing dropkick, then follow with a thumb to the eye.” Uh, he didn’t. Garvin Stomp. JR tells us sarcastically that it’s now the Orton Stomp, per Orton’s own orders. Douche posing, then a spinning sidewalk slam for 2. Orton does his best move, the ninja chokeout. Lawler sort of implies that he tried to save DX a little last week while JR did not. Carlito teases going out to a headlock, Jesus. Carlito comes back and gets a backdrop. Carlito punches back a bit, then gets a kneelift and a clothesline for 2. Carlito with a springboard reverse elbow for 2. Orton gets the RKB. JR: “That hurts just to describe it!” That must be why you haven’t. Orton stalking Carlito for the RKO, but Carlito shoves him off. Carlito wants the Arch Deluxe, but Randy grabs the ropes. Randy covers with his feet on the ropes, but the ref sees it. Randy yells at the ref, but Carlito rolls Randy up and pulls the tights for 3! Pleasant surprise. Five’ll give ya ten Carlito jobs to Orton next week.
We’re, uh, “backstage,” and STUPID WHORES are here. It’s Kristal, Maria and Torrie. KRIS BRADSHAW KRINGLE is obviously JBL in a Santa suit. He and the girls will give gifts to the troops. NEXT!
Commercials. I don’t care. Tis the season to ignore commercial breaks.
Montage. The troops who acted as a ring crew got an opportunity to “get involved with something bigger than themselves.” Because, you know, the war wasn’t doing that.
Santa is out, sans sluts. JR and Lawler pretend Santa is real, which is fine, and talk about how JR smells, which is not. “Who’s Your Baghdad” sign. Is that cute, or does it make no sense? Maybe both, I don’t know. Santa introduces his helpers, and says “ho ho ho” a lot without directly referring to them. “SUCKAS GOTTA KNOW” sign, nice. Haha, a special thanks to the musicians whose music was used in this special includes a thank you to John Lennon for “So This is Christmas.” Because when I think WWE music, I think John Lennon. He provided the official theme song for this year’s Imagine ppv. JBL says dumb shit about the helpers sitting on his lap and being naughty not nice and whatever. The girls give out T-shirts, and DVDs, and…whoa, now they’re giving away lingerie. Is that supposed to be used? If so, it’s sick, if not, it’s a bit pointless. After twenty years (including JR telling us how horrible the media is for hiding the truth of how well everything is going,) SANTA PLEASE GIVE ME ONE-THOUSAND DOLLARS OF YOUR OWN MONEY IN CASE SOMEONE BREAKS OUT OF THE MASTERLOCK invades. I spent for-fucking-ever looking up the RAWbeak where the first Masterlock challenge was announced just to confirm that figure. He talks smack at Santa, who leaves, but then comes back with a mic. Masters: “You know something? I hate Christmas!” BOO. Masters: “And I do not believe in Santa Claus!” This should be so retarded it’s funny, but eh. Masters says “shame on you” to the troops, prompting a brief “shame on you” chant. Masters challenges Santa to the Masterlock Challenge. JR: “I don’t think Santa’s been keeping up with his cardio.” “Santa” chant. Santa goes along with this FOR NO REASON. JR and Lawler claim Masters is trying to end Christmas forever. Masters applies the Masterlock. JR: “Chris Masters is punishing Santa Claus!” JR suggests a Rudolph run-in, which is cute. Santa is eventually choked-out by the Masterlock. Masters declares that there is now no Christmas. Now he calls out a troop for the challenge, and of course picks some really short skinny guy. Masters asks him what his name is and where he’s from, and the guy answers semi-inaudibly. Masters applies the Masterlock, and JBL Claus returns (with the beard and hat gone so we can see it’s him) and attacks from behind. I guess being a color commentator automatically makes you a face. JBL’s kick breaks the hold, and for some reason the troop (Jose something) is announced as the winner, despite the hold having been broken in much more convincing ways before and always being considered invalid. Clothesline from the North Pole. Jose’s music plays since he won. It sounds very similar to JBL’s.
Montage. I guess that’s CM Punk in a bobble hat looming over one of the girls, but it sure looked like Rhino had invaded for a second.
Final Thoughts: Whenever DX isn’t on screen, everyone should ask each other, “Where’s DX?” I suppose I should have enjoyed Chris Masters trying to ruin Christmas more, but eh. In the movie, Chris Masters will be played by Jim Carrey. Anyway, hope you all had a Merry Christmas and all. Or Kwanza or whatnot. My Christmas gift from WWE was Chad Patton giving me an excuse for the first Raye, Chad and Grandpa nickname in...at least a few months.
