DOCTOR BOO: That episode about the little Black girl also sucked. The new show sort of sucks. The two-part season finale that’s coming up was pretty good, though. I saw it on YouTube. The MI5 is totally going to kill me.
The Superstars of RAW just wanna be loved.
The multi-part sign is supposed to say “*Someone* is here in DC,” but whoever the someone is, their part of the sign is missing. And also one of the sections is partially covering another, so the sign actually reads “is her in DC.” I’m gonna go ahead and suggest that that’s a DX sign. EVERYONE EVER are already in the ring. I hate rumbles where everyone starts in the ring. How is Ted Dibiase supposed to give the entryway that “just bring it” motion if no one is going to enter after anyone else? All the shitty jobbers you would expect are in there. Possible surprises include Sergeant Slaughter (whose rank is pronounced the same in America as it is in England which makes him useless as a source of Doctor/Peri tension,) the Brooklyn Brawler, and I guess Farrooqq isn’t on the active roster technically. Oh yeah, and Lawler.I THINK I’M IMPORTANT, I KNOW I’M EGOTISTICAL gets an entrance while the rest of RAW is grouped together as one mass of crowd apathy. Lillian: “Degeneration member, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!” Yes, but which Degeneration is he a member of? His chyron says “Shawn Michaels D-Generation X.” I DON’T KNOW HOW I GET AN ENTRANCE AFTER HBK BUT IT’S ALL COOL is Carlito. HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, WILL STOP THE DOCTOR FROM STRANGLING PER-AY is out now. Edge is already in the ring for some reason. The last entrant is HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO, who gets “The Game” as his music (complete with Motorhead dude going “hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”) instead of “Bow Down to the King” (in which the Motorhead dude probably laughs just as goofily if you listen long enough. Lillian remembers the X in Degeneration X this time. Edge is on the outside, having never entered the ring. It’ll be fucking stupid if he wins. I hate it when they let someone do that, it makes no sense that the officials don’t force them in or disqualify them. I only let it pass if it’s someone who can’t possibly fucking win like Repo Man or something. Carlito is the first out, which may be why they gave him a real entrance, to soften the blow. Brooklyn Brawler is next. Being eliminated before the Brooklyn Brawler? Dat’s not cool. Benjamin teases going out and skins the cat. Duggan went out at some point. There’s Sergeant Slaughter, eliminated by Viscera. I hope that develops into a major feud. Not really. Lots of guys lean on each other. “USA” chant? Why? Oh, Duggan was playing to the crowd on his way up the aisle, I guess. Farrooqq tries to force out Super Crazy because he’s been talking about Mexicans with JBL. Shad boot-chokes Kenny, in Kenny’s new non-sweatpants ring attire. Oh, Edge went in eventually. What was the point of him hanging around outside to watch Duggan get tossed? I think he attacked Carlito when Carlito was in too. JR tries to tell us Viscera has a real shot. “Dark horse.” He likes dark horse meat. I’m hungry. I’m gonna watch this as I eat. Nothing happens as I dig some cold leftover ribs out of the fridge. Lawler attacks his hated arch-rival Viscera. Is something going to happen ever in this rumble? DX team-up to eliminate Viscera, and that’s our big “going into the break” highlight.
Commercials. Some WW2 game or other.
We’re back. Farrooqq forearms Val Venis, who falls out. Some other jobber went too, I guess, as JR is freaking out about Simmons eliminating two guys at once. Cryme Tyme toss Simmons from behind, to boos. Ron looks back at them all “aintchoo know bruthas gotsta stick together?” He gets a mic and says “Damn,” hahahaha, oh the hilarity never stops. JR: “A man of few words!” A man of few word. More stuff happens. Cryme Tyme get tossed, individually. Shad, who went second, is tossed by the World’s Greatest Tag Team, who celebrate too much and get tossed by DX. The Highlanders seem to have been tossed during the break. Lawler gets tossed by Masters. Hardy and Super Crazy eliminate each other, and I didn’t really notice if that was before or after Lawler went. Murdoch gets sent out to the apron, but comes back in. That’s a relief. I thought his title shot against Cena was done for. Haha, I completely forgot Snitsky even exists, but he teases eliminating Triple H before getting DDTed. Triple H almost tosses Kenny, who sadly, has a better chance at winning this than most of the guys in there. Now DX trick Eugene into waving at the camera and eliminate him. Those loveable scamps, always abusing the handicapped. Snitsky goes out. Murdoch goes out. We get a bit of nothing. Flair and Kenny are fighting at the ropes, and somebody tosses them both. JR: “Kenny and Flair ironically, go out together!” To the ice cream social. It’s down to DX versus Edge, Orton, Nitro, Masters, and Cade as we go to break. I wonder which of those guys will be first to go?
Commercials. Is it just me, or have they been advertising this B&W Monk for like eight years?
We’re back. Everyone tries to toss DX for a while before Trips makes a superman comeback. He tosses Masters (there goes my pick for who would be out next) but is then tossed by the other four heels working in tandem. It’s Rated RKONC vs HBK. Edge…leaves the ring without going over the top again. Sigh. Nitro rushes at HBK like an idiot when HBK is near the ropes, and is tossed. HBK does stuff and gets the Macho Elbow on Orton. Setting up Sweet Chin Music on Cade, Edge hops up on the apron, HBK attacks Edge, and Cade kills HBK with a clothesline. Cade celebrates, and Orton tosses him. Now it’s Edge out on the floor (but not eliminated,) evil smiling Randy, and dead HBK. Orton wants the RKO, but HBK shoves him off. Now both men act equally dead. HBK in the ropes, Orton rushes at him like an idiot and gets tossed. HBK thinks he’s won, so he poses and Edge sneaks in and tosses him. Edge wins. The whole thing (which I obviously glossed over) was about thirty minutes. Edge points to his head to indicate intelligence. He and Christian are probably descended from the Canadian branch of the Sima Clan.
Commercials. You should totally buy Sneak King, Super Asia.
Vince McMahon tells us the troops are “often overlooked and taken for granted, especially during this holiday season.” How do you figure they’re taken for extra granted during the holidays?
Royal Rumble replays. JR: “He took almost Masters’ head off!” Backstage, SNEAK KING OF THE SNEAK RING is Edge, who sneakily snuck a snake and won the battle royal. Todd “No Nickname” Grisham wants his thoughts. Edge claims he’s thrown a wrench into RAW’s plans because DX will have nothing to do at the next ppv while he defends against Umaga. I’m torn between liking the heelishness or hating the fact that he’s just really cemented for us the fact that there’s no goddamn way that title is changing hands going into the payperview. I GOT A NICKNAME ALREADY is Orton, who congratulates him. Edge: “Hey that’s right we’re tag team champions reigning but bro no offense, I’m setting my sights higher once again because tonight, I’m leaving here a three time WWE champion!” Edge leaves. Randy looks…perturbed.
Last Monday, Masters gave Torrie the Masterlock. Lawler is back in booth, hooray. SCARED WHEN SHE’S BEAUTIFUL is Maria, who is all afraid of THE MASTER WANTS YOU TO HAVE THIS COUPON FOR OUR VEGGIE FEAST. Masters says he only put Torrie in the Masterlock to piss off Carlito. He’s not a bad guy or anything. Masters: “He’s gonna pass out to the Masterlock!” Idiot.
Tonight, Sylvester Stallone? Why?
Here’s footage from Armageddon, where apparently Joey Mercury’s face ate a boat. Here’s lots of gory, slow-mo replays of Jeff Hardy knocking a ladder into his face. Oh nasty, his nose is completely broken. Lots of blood.
Commercials. More sneaking with the Sneak King. WAIT A SECOND I think I just figured out why they named it that!
Todd is in the crowd to interview IVAN DRAGOID. Some big Russian dude, though not blonde. I don’t know if he’s an amateur champion or a UFC dude or what, but Sylvester Turkei of not being known to Sofa fame has pretty much soured me to anyone that brand of smarks tells me I should like. Oh, his real name is Vladimir Kozlov. That’s Russian for Vladimir Hoglog. Todd asks him how he likes America. Guy: “I am vwery happy to be hwere in America!” Todd: “Would you perhaps one day like to compete in a WWE ring?” Vladimir: “I love double double E, I am looking forward to competing America, and around the world for double double E!” Hahaha, this guy has already won me over. He has a goofy smile on his face when he speaks English, but then he starts speaking Russian and does crazy eyes. Nevermind my Turkei-bitching, this guy could be awesome. JR wonders why the American crowd is booing the big shouty Russian, because JR has apparently never seen wrestling before. Lawler: “Do you know what he said there in Russian?” JR: “Of course I don’t, I barely speak English.”
THAT GUY SURE TALKED FUNNY is the Masterpiece. Not much of a nickname, but he’s not much of a wrestler OH SNAP. PEARL HARBOR IS COOL attacks from behind while Masters’ music is still playing. Carlito brawls and bounces him against the security railing and stuff. They knock over a cameraman. Carlito sends him over the railing and they brawl in the crowd. Carlito got busted open at some point. Masters Irish whips him towards the railing, and runs for his life. Back at ringside, Carlito is all kinds of bloody as he throws a chair around. I’m not sure if badass Carlito really works.
Backstage, Melina and Nitro walk. Nitro and the WGTT face the Hardyz next because the WGTT loved Joey Mercury’s nose.
Commercials. Two different Bod ads in one block.
IF THEY SEND ONE OF YOUR NOSES TO THE HOSPITAL, YOU SEND ONE OF THEIR NOSES TO THE MORGUE and YES are out first. Johnny will be teaming up with THE WORLD’S GRANDE-EST TACO TASTERS. Their foes are TEAM EXTREMELY GOOD AT INJURING NOSES. JR: “A special appearance here on RAW by Smackdown’s Matt Hardy!” Well at least someone sort of addressed it. Jeff in particular is selling how injured he is. Not half as injured as Mercury, you douche. JR: “Like being thrown out of a moving vehicle.” I know how that feels from when my ass got ripped off. Matt and Shelton start. Shelton does armwringery stuff, then mocks Hardy. Melina is screaming insane shit from ringside, like “HE NEVER USES THAT ARM AGAIN!” Lawler’s voice cracks. Shelton attacks the arm some more. Matt fights him off and tags in Jeff. Kicks. Shelton reverses a whip and back suplexes Jeff. Tag to Haas. Haas drops to one knee so Shelton can scoop slam Jeff across it. Haas with choking. The fans chant “Hardy.” Shoulderblocks in the corner. Choking and cheating in the evil corner. Nitro tags himself in and start throwing punches and knees at Jeff. Nitro kicks Jeff in the chest. Taking him to another corner for more brawling. Jeff kicks back. Melina: “No no no no no!” Whyspyr yn thy Wynd. JR: “Twist of Fate!” JR mentions that Haas is a new father. Somewhere, Gail Kim is visiting Jackie in the maternity ward and calling her a slut. JR also mentions Seton Hall, which is probably more important to him than the father thing. Jeff does something and tags in Matt. Matt with a vertical suplex and…a sort of float over without any spring. It gets 2. Matt sends Charlie into the corner, drops to his knees, and Jeff does Faggotry in Motion. JR: “Hardy teamwork! A tandem bit of…partnership there!” Nitro and Shelton are in. Shelton is tossed. All the heels are out, actually. Jeff does a slingshot plancha. Matt is going up top, and moonsaults out onto the pile on the floor. That was pretty sweet, actually.
Commercials. I guess another Rocky movie is probably better than another Rambo movie.
We’re back, and Jeff flips out of a back suplex, but gets chop-blocked behind the ref’s back by Shelton. Shelton is tagged in, and he works the leg. Shelton…dancing? I’m not sure if he was mocking a Hardy dance or just dancing. Dragonscrew legwhip. By the guy with the dragon shirts. JR says “dangerous duty” but it sounds like “dangerous doody.” Benjamin prevents a tag to Matt by knocking Matt off the apron. Tag to Charlie for more leg attacks. I would mark the fuck out for the Haas of Pain. Some leglock move. JR: “The start of an Indian Deathlock! Or should I say a Native American Deathlock?” Cute. Shelton lends him illegal leverage that actually helps, and the ref makes them break it up. Tag to Nitro, who does fancy, runny-around leg attacks. Haha, he sends Jeff outside, and Melina flips the fuck out stomping him and screaming. Lawler suggests she needs a Midol. Classy guy. Shelton does some leg stuff. Jeff escapes with the ELUM kick. Matt is tagged in for clotheslines on everyone. Nitro runs in and gets Side-Effected. And…there’s one for Haas, and one for Shelton! Is the Side-Effect just like your back body drop now? Here’s a replay of the combination bulldog/clothesline I missed. Matt wants a Twist of Fate, but Shelton shoves him off, Haas illegally hot-shots him from the apron, and Shelton rolls Matt up. Gee, Smackdown’s Matt Hardy took the fall, what a shock. The WGTT set up the soupar kick into a German suplex on Matt. Jeff wanders in too early, and thus has to just watch them do it, then attack, haha. Haas and Benjamin leave as Nitro beats down Jeff. Enzoogweeree. Melina comes in with the belt and stalks Jeff sexily. Nitro with his facebuster from behind. Nitro and Melina pose over the corpses. Play their music, because they are THE NEW WINNERS OF THIS MATCH.
Last week: Estrada got dead.
ARMANDO ALAMAGA USTRADGA get interviewed. Estrada says Umaga could beat either Edge or Cena. Umaga yells like an idiot.
Melina and Nitro are backstage. They run across STAREY MCSTARE, who loves staring at the camera. Nitro instructs him to bitchify Cena. Melina tells him he’s brave, and hugs him. He stares at the camera.
THIRD GENERATION BLUE-CHIPPING SUPERSTAR ROCKY BALBOA is Sly Stalone, who appears on the Stupidtron. He delivers prerecorded comments, answering prerecorded questions from Jerry Lawler while everyone pretends it was live. Sly comments wrestlers, who are “so incredibly dexterious.” The sad thing is, he’s talking about Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips. Then Stallone pretends he knows about John Cena vs Kevin Federline. Go see Rocky Balboa, opening on some date I guess.
Commercials. Oh, Smackdown is taping in Hampton tonight. I…guess I could have gone. Eh.
I COULD KNOCK THAT YOUNG PUNK ROCKY OUT WOO has a match. JR: “Become the dragon rider!” His opponent is BETTER THAN THE REST OF THE SPIRIT SQUAD FOR SOME REASON. Kenny has a last name now, and it’s “Dykestra.” Do you care? He also has music and a really generic Titantron video. He and Ric lock-up. Ric woos on the break. Kenny punches, but Ric chops. Ric punches. Kenny falls down a few times. Ric starts running around for some reason, so Kenny leapfrogs a lot, and flying back elbows him. Kenny woos. Ric gets kicked to the floor. Kenny wants a vertical suplex on the floor…and get it. Kenny breaks the count, then rolls Ric back in. Cover, and it gets 2. He takes off his sweatband and throws it in Flair’s face. SHADES OF VADER. Now fall down hilariously. Kenny punches a lot. Ric goes downstairs, but Kenny quickly shrugs it off and does more punches and knees and crap. Ninja chokeout by Kenny. I guess Flair has to win since the match has been all Kenny. Kenny backs Flair into a corner and smacks him a few times. He climbs up the turnbuckle into ten punch countalong position, and just poses. JR calls it the “Alpha Male position.” Does Monty Brown like to stick his crotch right in Ric Flair’s face? Ric escapes with an inverted atomic drop. Kenny reverses a corner whip, but runs into a back elbow. Ric goes up, and surprise surprise, Kenny tosses him off the top. Kenny goes up top, tries a super duper legdrop, but Ric evades. Flair chops him. Whipping Kenny into the ropes and back elbowing him. Punches and chops in the corner. Kenny reverses a whip, but charges into an empty corner and jams his knee. Flair with a shinbreaker, and instead of releasing, he tries for another, but Kenny rolls him up…for 3? Fine, fine, but did he have to dominate the whole match too? Oh well, what the Hell does beating Flair even mean now? Flair offers Kenny a handshake after the match because he’s such a decent sort of bloke, but Kenny just indicates himself and yells, “I’m the real man!” JR: “That’s a little uppity, isn’t it?” I’m glad he didn’t say that about Shelton Benjamin.
The title match is next?
Commercials. Lugz boots. Now for guys who make motorcycles.
According to this graphic, “K-Fed Addresses America” tonight. Four score and seven marriages ago, etc.
ON THIS DAY, I HEAR CLEARLY, THAT MY MUSIC SOUNDS JUST RIGHT has his unOrtonfied music. He gets to soak up the boos as the anticipation builds for ”THE MARINE” JOHN “THE MARINE” CENA (WHO IS A MARINE). Marine salute. Aw shit, that sign from my introductory paragraph is back, and it was a Cena sign, not DX. What was I thinking? Lawler: “Well you see John Cena with that salute? I don’t think anyone, anywhere in this great nation respects our, our people in the armed forces more than that man, more than John Cena.” Their own spouses and children are heartless ingrates when compared to John Cena, so why aren’t you cheering for him? Is it because you hate the troops? Call me persnickety but I still think the “big fight” atmosphere would be easier to maintain if the ref wasn’t holding up and showing the crowd a belt that spins. Cena goes behind and downs Edge early. Headlock. Dueling “let’s go” chants. Did the impact!zone more to DC? Edge is sent into the ropes, and Cena gets a big boot to a mix of cheers and boos. Cena charges Edge in the corner, but eats boot. Edge tosses Cena to the floor. Lawler and JR try to tell us Edge is not at a disadvantage having already been in a rumble because he left the ring for a few minutes. Edge hammers Cena into things on the outside, but Cena reverses. Edge sent back in. Cena gets neckbreakered. I have to admit, the crowd is really hot. The dueling chants are actually trying to drown each other out. Edge with the Christian Inverted DDT. Fan sign: “I’m on TV and your not.” Beautiful. I envy you’re great seats. Cena fights out of a modified ninja chokeout. Both men try a flying crossbody in a “highspot.” Let’s go to a break.
Commercials. American Pie: The Naked Mile. I heard Eugene Levy interviewed on NPR once about those movies, and he actually had the fucking gall to claim the scripts to the original movies were really “low-brow and sophomoric” but he and the cast made it “clever” in their interpretation. Because when I think clever, high-brow comedy, I think of sex with baked goods.
Edge now has Cena in a rear-naked choke. Cena tries to power out, and Edge headbutts him in the back of the head. Edge with…wow, inverted Code Red here. Cena maneuvers it into a pinning predicament. Edge with some neck hold, but Cena powers up. Wow, the Throwback makes it’s return. JR and Lawler talk about how Cena has been a fan of wrestling since he was a little boy (Edge is a heel so let’s keep the story of him being in the crowd at whichever Wrestlemania in Toronto under wraps.) Cena takes over with shoulderblocks and the usual. There’s that one move he does. YCSM, but the FKS misses! I’m always happy to see that. SPEAR! Cena gets a hand on the rope. Lawler and JR argue over the call until we see a replay. Edge puts Cena up top and tries to set up a superplex, but Cena shoves him off. Cena…with a HUGE top-rope legdrop, driving the rising Edge face-first into the mat. That gets a long 2. Edge is sent to the ropes, Cena Papa Shangos, and gets kicked. Cena ends up hot-shotting Edge. There’s that one move he does again. YCSM, and this time the FKS connects. Salute. Loading Edge for the FU, but Edge slips out. He wants an inverted DDT, but Cena turns it around into a reverse suplex! Hooking both legs, but he only gets 2. Cena with punching. Edge tries to float out of the corner, Cena catches him in fireman’s carry position, Edge won’t let go of the ropes, and the ref ends up getting bumped as Cena pulls Edge out. Edge slips free, and I CONSIDERED BETRAYING YOU BUT NOT AFTER YOU CALLED ME “BRO” sneaks in an RKOs Cena. But now I BELONG TO DEGENERATION X and THE DEGENERATION I BELONG TO MUST REMAIN A MYSTERY run out. HBK kills Orton on the outside while HHH Pedigrees Edge. Cena and the ref are both still devastated, so while it takes about a full minute for Mike Chioda to count, Edge remains down for 3. Remember kids, Cena can almost beat Edge by himself, but if Trips hits the Pedigree, Edge will be unconscious for like three hours. Cena goes out to the aisle to exchange manly respect with DX. Orton points at DX and makes horrible goofy faces.
Commercials. BOD BOD BOD BOD DX BOD.
Moments ago, stupid ref-bump everyone on Earth runs-in clusterfuck. Now we’re told DX and Cena will be taking on Umaga and Team RKO tonight. Oh come on! I’ve had enough Cena!
WE LOVE DOUBLE DOUBLE BROOKLYN are here. Some skinny white boy at ringside dances. The crowd responds to the yos. JTG: “Cryme Tyme’s been listening, we got ears, he hear things, we’ve been hearin’ everything Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin been sayin’ about us. Hatin’, straight-up hatin’.” They introduce a character witness to tell us how great Cryme Tyme is. They introduce A NOT ESPECIALLY BAD GEORGE H. BUSH IMPERSONATOR and A BUNCH OF BASHAMS. The guy is pretty good, I suppose, but it’s still annoying that Lawler insists on pretending this guy is the real George Junior. Fake George does gangsta handshakes with both members of Cryme Tyme. He’s getting booed soundly, which is sort of funny, I guess. George says he’s going to fight the evil rumor that he doesn’t like Black people. George: “Colin Powell and myself, we’re homies! Candi! Candaleeza Rice! Now there’s one hot little Black bitch!” Lawler thinks this is the funniest thing ever. George: “Another famous American I’m down with! George Jefferson! He wrote the Declaration of Independence! You know he’s my nig…” And Cryme Tyme stop him for his own good. George: “I wanna thank you for keeping me in line, sometimes I’ll get excited and misquote myself.” Lawler: “*in this is the funniest thing ever voice* Misquote myself.” Now George sort of vaguely insults Haas and Benjamin. Cryme Tyme steals his wallet, har har. George dances to Cryme Tyme’s music. Then he notices Cryme Tyme have his money. George: “Those people stole my wallet!” Then the Presidential music plays again, so fake George Bush is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS SEGMENT. JR: “He got his wallet tooken!” George…shoots the crowd the bird as he leaves, which was, well, unexpected.
Commercials. USA, Characters Welcome interview with…the guy from the Tanqueray ads? What’s next, is the Geico Caveman going to hunt and eat the Energizer Bunny?
Our Eragon Thing of the Thing is the Widow’s Peak.
I’M OUT OF WOMEN, I NEED TO BEAT UP CHILDREN AND PERHAPS SMALL ANIMALS is out, with her list. Her ass says “HOT!” Well, it’s written on there, anyway. Her opponent is…JUMPY JUMPY BOUNCE BOUNCE? Non-title. Man, they are short of women. Lockup, Victoria pushes Mickie into the ropes, and smacks her on the break. Mickie ducks something, but gets scooped up and smashed into the corner. Putting her up top for a superplex…and…gets it! It only gets 2. Modified ninja chokeout. Mickie gets out and gets a monkey magic roll up for 2. Backslide for 2. Another fancy roll-up for 2. Mickie floats out of the corner for something, but Victoria just grabs her and smashes her face into the bottom turnbuckle. A replay makes it impossible to tell what’s going on, but JR says something about a back suplex. Victoria misses a corner charge. JR: “She isn’t the lady to mess with.” Lawler should then yell “Go, go go!” Mickie comes back with punches. Victoria reverses a corner whip, but charges into a back elbow. Sorta (part 2 of) kinda rana by Mickie for 2. Victoria wants her crazy whirling sideslam, but Mickie counters with a rana. Mickie wants the Stratusfaction, but Victoria lays her across the top rope and kicks her right in the fucking face. Widow’s Peak, 123. Victoria starts writing “Women’s Championship” at the bottom of the list, but the camera cuts away early.
K-Fed exists. Lawler, to JR: “I understand that you’re going to interview him as America’s Most Hated!” Wait, JR is America’s Most Hated?
Commercials. Wow, I can wait in line for MVP’s autograph tomorrow. Only an hour’s drive away.
DANGEROUS, UPPITY DOODY does a really bad intro for K-Fed, stumbling over his words and generally sucking. He mentions Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien, whose images appear on the Stupidtron for some reason. SLY STALLONE TOTALLY KNOWS WHO I AM comes out and says he’s not K-Fed, he’s Kevin Federline. Look, make up your mind. He says this about eight times. He calls Cena “bitch.” Lawler: “Wow!” He slaps hands with some fans because it’s not every day he has the opportunity to touch other human beings.
Commercials. See No Evil? Seriously? You’re still trying to move those?
Earlier tonight, stuff. TEAM RKOU don’t all share an intro, but that’s still the cheapest, easiest nickname. JR: “Team RKO and Edge!” Estrada is also there, so maybe it should be Team RKOUE. JR: “He’s the engineer of the pain train!” You’re an idiot!
Commercials. Let’s get this over with.
More patting themselves on the back for Christmas with the Troops.
I LOVE THE TROOPS MORE THAN YOU DO gets a super abbreviated entrance to make time for the complete DOOT-XOO entrance. JR: “It’s all legal for the physicality, as much as you can handle!” Orton and Cena start. I remember when I couldn’t tell these two apart. Now one is a hateful wigger douche, and the other is just a hateful douche. Cena with an imperfectplex for 2. Fighting. Tag to HBK. Randy takes over with punching, and tags in Edge. HBK ignores Edge’s offense and takes over with punching. Sam tries to sit on my mouse. JR: “I’m cool.” Orton comes back in and eats the flying burrito. HBK kips up, and Umaga comes in untagged and just chops HBK down. Which is exactly what should happen every time HBK kips up. Umaga is tagged in legally. He stomps and stuff. Edge tags himself in as JR and Lawler claim Umaga doesn’t understand tagging. Edge plays to the crowd and then sends HBK into the corner. Shoulderblock in the corner. I stop paying attention for a minute, and both guys are crawling for the tag. Umaga and Trips both come in, and Trips completely dominates with punching. Umaga reverses a whip and Papa Shangos, and eats a facebuster. Umaga does the Fatty Won’t Fall Down Dance, but Trips does a flying shoulderblock to down him. Spinebuster. Everyone runs in. Trips eats the Samoan Brother Runt. Samoan Slam for HBK. Cena tosses Umaga out of the ring and they brawl towards the back. Umaga breaks through a wall that seems to be made of precut cardboard. Back in the ring area, Trips gets whipped into the steps, and then Edge chairs him. The ref calls for the Dairy Queen. The chair is sent into the ring. Randy wants to RKO HBK on the CHAIR, but he calls Edge over for the uberlame double RKO. RKORKO. Now they beat Trips up by the announce table. One-man conchairto…on the table? How does that make it any more painful? Now Randy gets to do one. Trips is all bloody and gross. Now they go back in the ring to do it to HBK. “Cena” chant. This is taking forever. A bunch of refs come in and stop them with incredible ref powar. Both Trips and HBK are doing squirmy selling. Haha, some fan: “IRS! IRS!” The guy next to him, presumably: “SHYSTER!” I didn’t notice him amongst the road agents, so it would be pretty cool if some guys just started chanting for IRS for no reason.
Final Thoughts: It’s just possible I might have enjoyed that if the commentary team was the Sixth Doctor and Peri.
