DOCTOR BOO: I already apologized to Sofa, but if anyone else was lured into watching Doctor Who last Friday because of me, I have to offer my deep regrets. What a horrible, horrible episode “Love and Monsters” was. All sorts of in-joking (not the good, WV kind either) and mocking it’s own fans for some reason, and no story until the very end. Also: implied sex with a piece of stone. I’ve seen the episode most long-time fans consider the worst of the classic series. It’s called “The Twin Dilemma.” The Twin Dilemma was the first Colin Baker/6th Doctor episode. It came right after major classic series highlight “The Caves of Androzani,” which was a pretty expensive affair since everyone wanted Peter Davison to go out with a blast. As a result, The Twin Dilemma had practically no budget. The script was a complete mess, as it featured a species of telepathic giant talking slugs (though we only see one) who want to blow up a solar system to spread their apparently indestructible eggs. The slugs were controlling really unconvincing bird-people and manipulating some old Time Lord friend of the Doctor’s. This friend is spontaneously introduced as the Doctor’s best friend evar even though he’d never been mentioned before. He, of course, dies dramatically and is out of regenerations, and is never mentioned again after this. He uses a false name for the first two episodes, then his true name is revealed and means no more or less to us (and the people he’d been deceiving) than his false name. Couple all of this with the fact that Peri never once thanks the Doctor for dying to save her in the previous adventure, and instead complains immediately that she’s not physically attracted to the new Doctor because he’s apparently old while the former Doctor was “almost young.” The Doctor understandably tries to strangle Peri at one point, completely freaking out weirdo Doctor Who purists. Then he puts on the worst outfit anyone has ever worn, ever. But in the end, this completely awful start to poor Colin Baker’s disappointing run is still better than Love and Monsters, because The Twin Dilemma was trying to tell a decent Sci-Fi story (even if it failed) and trying to do something interesting with the characters (even if nobody seemed to want the characters to get more interesting) while Love and Monsters completely ignores the main characters and makes no effort to have a plot and just tries to be all cute and clever. It’s not Doctor Who, it’s Doctor FLCL.
Tonight, Triple H (of DX) will face Edge in a “Surely we won’t be cheated by some lame DQ ending” match.
SEMPER FAG is here. That’s never been used on Cena, only Orton, right? Some fan has a sign that says “NICK *arrow pointing down*” but while I can’t see his face that well, the DX jersey suggests strongly that it is not Sofa. MY MUSIC IS STARTLINGLY SIMILAR TO THAT OF MY CHARGE is Estrada, using Umaga’s music. As you may recall from last week, Estrada has to face Cena this week due to retarded antics. Estrada is in his normal duds. He has THE STICK. Estrada, sadly: “Everybody listen…to me.” He tries to offer Cena some fine cigars. Fan sign: “Samoa Joe Sucks.” Whoahoho, is that a plant? Does anyone who knows who Samoa Joe is seriously like Umaga better? Cena breaks a cigar, to a big pop. Estrada: “You don’t like cigars, you don’t like to smoke? That’s ok, smoking’s bad.” He tries to offer Cena his watch. JR: “Probably off the Uncle Elmer collection.” What ancient hillbilly comedy are you referring to, JR? Cena turns that down, as well as an offer for money (though he does give the money to fans in the front row, like the BIGGEST KISS-UP EVER) and the match is on. Cena stomps on the hat. Estrada has brass knuckles, but Cena catches the punch and pulls them away. Armando, Alajandro, Regal. Cena rips Estrada’s clothes off some. As much as I enjoyed Ricky Steamboat stripping Ric Flair down to his undies (in a totally non sexual way, I swear,) this still sucks. FU, 123. Cena now puts him in the STFU, after the match is already over. Reverse the decision, ref! He does not. JOHNNY NITRO, DEFENDER OF INNOCENTS runs out and gives Cena one kick to the back of the head. JR: “Just backin’ out of here like he was a big stud or somethin’!” YES, SHE HAS CLEAVAGE, KING (thanks to JR for the nickname) comes out to give Johnny a mic. Nitro tells Cena he’s teaching those awesome techniques to Kevin Federline. Nitro’s music plays, and he is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH.
Commercials. Black Christmas. Black Christmases are criminals, JR.
Todd Grisham tries to interview Cena. He should never do that. Cena is too angry to be especially mean to Todd, and challenges Nitro TONIGHT! JR and Lawler are thrilled that we might get two Cena matches. Though they seem worried that Nitro will have the advantage since Cena already competed tonight. Jesus. Lawler: “Hit my music, are you ready for a little King action!?” No! I WEAR A WHITE CAVEMAN SINGLET BECAUSE BLACK THINGS ARE BAD is Lawler, who is wearing a white one-shoulder-strap singlet and is heading for the ring. I HAVE SUNK TO THE LEVEL OF THINKING DOINK’S ULTIMATE PEDOPHILIC RIVAL IS COOL is his partner. I guess they’re facing Masters and…who? It’s the team of NOBODY BREAKS MY ADDICITION TO PORK SANDWICHES. Masters and Viscera. JR refers to Masters as “a jacked-up guy.” Masters starts with Lawler. Great strategy by the faces, here. Lawler evades a punch and hops about like an idiot. Masters scoops him up, slams him, but misses an elbowdrop. Clubbing blows to the back of Lawler. Tag to Viscera. Lawler is whipped towards the ropes, but runs to the corner instead and falls down really…gingerly. Viscera misses the Ho Train Attack in the corner. Viscera punches away anyway. He whips King into the corner and elbows him. Elbowdrop, and Carlito breaks up the fall. Big fat ninja chokeout, but King gets to his feet and elbows out. Punches. King goes to the ropes, but runs right into Viscera’s sit-out powerbomb/choke-toss/whatever. That used to have a name, didn’t it? Tag to Masters, who clubbers. Suplex. He covers by dropping to his knees over Lawler and doing a muscle pose in such a way that his package is right in Jerry’s face. Jerry counters into a cover of his own for a near-fall. Made only slightly less exciting by the fact that Carlito hasn’t even been in there yet. Both men tag, and Carlito does jumpy offense to Viscera. A springboard reverse elbow takes Viscera down. Masters runs in and military presses Carlito, but Carlito slips free and dropkicks him. Now Carlito runs right into Viscera’s whirly sideslam. JR: “Viscera looks like a big milk truck!” Not really, not while wearing silk. He’s a milk float that will explode if he goes under 5 miles per hour. So, he’s pretty much gonna explode. Why am I referencing Father Ted of all shows? Lawler runs in, and gets beaten down. Masters puts Carlito into Masterlock as Viscera squishes Lawler in the corner. No, wait, I guess the Masterlock “wasn’t applied” yet, as Carlito slips out, kicks Masters into Viscera, and rolls Viscera up for a stupid, stupid win. JR praises the teamwork and strategy of Carlito and King. King’s strategy of getting squished by Viscera was BRILLIANT.
Commercials. FFXII. “Hers is the voice of hope.” Too bad like all other characters, Ashe only has about four lines in the whole fucking game.
The Best of the WWE Magazine. Someone should really rebeak/recap that. I’m too cheap.
BEING BLACK PEOPLE, WE ARE IN FACT CRIMINALS are cheating TWO GUYS WHO LOOK SAD WHEN THE KROTONS CONSIDER THEIR BRAINS WEARKER THAN THE DOCTOR OR ZOE’S. In marches CHARLIE HAAS, DEFENDER OF INNOCENTS who condemns Cryme Tyme for dragging down the Black man with their negative stereotypes. JTG mocks how White people talk (because White people talk like this) by using long, complex words but screws it up by mispronouncing “pertaining.” But his promises to behave are revealed to be THE ULTIMATE SWERVE as they proceed to talk the jive speak and mock Charlie. SHELTON BENJAMIN, DEFENDER OF INNOCENTS invades, and basically owns everyone’s sorry ass with a promo that includes telling Shad that “I feel sorry for your mother.” He says he and Haas reunite tonight, which draws a face pop. Nice. Then Haas declares the two “cross dressers” to be their first victims. I…guess he means the Highlanders. Haas: “Dyn-o-mite! For schnizzle!” Not nearly as funny as him marking out like nuts for Shelton. Robbie: “I had no clue, Charlie Haas, was Black.” It was actually pretty funny because of the accent. He’s Blahhhhhck, ya’ll.
Last week, Kenny got beaten up by DX. This will happen on every RAW for all of eternity.
RATED R*BLANK*O just happened to be chatting away backstage near a camera at this point as GIMMIE A K invades. Kenny tries to take credit for their win last week. Randy: “Whether or not you were with us or not with us, we would have won!” Or lost.
Commercials. Top secret SOCOM infiltration missions are made more difficult by the hard rock music that grabs the enemy’s attention.
AW CRAP HAAS AND BENJAMIN AREN’T QUARKS THERE’S NO WAY WE CAN WIN are out. I can only assume this loss will be dedicated to Roddy Piper. Oh Lillian, do they really combine to weigh an even 34 stone or are you rounding off to the nearest stone? TEAM ALL-AMERICAN FROM OUTER SPACE are still Team Angle to me, though they are introduced as “The World’s Greatest Tag Team.” Haas starts with Rory. Lawler and JR make fun of Haas for caring about civil rights while being a White guy. Tag to Robbie, and Rory back suplexes Haas down so Robbie can go off the top on him. Runny around whoop-de-doo session ends with Haas giving Robbie a big ol’ overhead release belly2belly. Here’s some kicks, and a tag to Shelton as JR reminds us that the WGTT both went to college. Big nasty clothesline by Haas before Shelton comes in. Jerry Lawler seriously, I shit you not, starts in on how Shelton was a criminal thug as a youngster. Lawler: “Every time he went to the mall, somebody would call security.” Shelton with a hard snap suplex. He drags Robbie over to the World’s Greatest Corner. Tag to Haas, who sticks his knee out so Shelton can slam Robbie across it. Nice. Haas punches, covers for 2, and kicks a bit. He slams Robbie into Shelton’s boot, and tags out. Shelton with an abdominal stretch. Robbie punches out, hits the ropes, and runs back into it…no, Robbie turns it into a Side Scottish Legsweep. Tag to Rory, who does a lot of headbutts. Back body drop on Haas, but Shelton kills him with a clothesline. HUGE kick to the face on Robbie, who falls outside. Haas sets Rory up on the top rope, Shelton bounces off the ropes on the other side of the ring…THE RETURN OF THE BEVERLYIZER! Haas rolls Rory up for 3. Wait, is the Beverlyizer their finisher now? Lawler and JR scream about Triple H vs Edge as a graphic shows us Nitro vs Cena.
Commercials. A caveman is not entirely in love with some dude’s tone. Again.
WWE 24/7’s old stuff of the week is bearded, hairy-chested Jerry Lawler fighting a Von Erich. Some commentator: “As Jerry Lawler says, there’s only one world, so there’s only one world champion.” Idiot. He must really, really hate the solar system. Lawler won an impossibly cheesy victory. The match was stopped due to Von Erich’s blood-loss as Lawler was submitting to the Iron Claw. It makes the Dusty Finish seem satisfying.
HEY, MY MUSIC SOUNDS DIFFERENT is out, with his actual proper music. JR: “This could get ugly, early.” Is he wrestling Kane? No, it’s ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO TRY AND KILL FLAIR. JR: “Edge’s eyes tell an amazing story!” Ooh, ooh, is it “Finding Nemo?” Lillian Garcia forgets DX’s name for a second. Lawler: “Check out the glare coming from Triple H!” He needs some more make-up. Triple H attacks while still in his stupid DX jersey. Edge bails to the floor. Edge tries to bounce Trips off a table, but Trips reverses. JR: “How in the world is Edge standing!” Lawler: “He’s not! He’s flat on his back!” And Jerry was semi-laughing as he said it. You got BURNED, JR. More brawling, and Edge somehow takes over inside. He runs around and eats a high knee. Trips knocks Edge off the apron into the aisle. Trips runs out and tackles him, and here’s MY MELODRAMATIC DOUCHE POSE NOW COMES IN FIVE ULTRA FRESH SCENTS for the Dairy Queen. Degeneration Queen. Wow, what a rip-off. HEY STING I SAVE PEOPLE’S SOULS TOOruns out, and so does TO LIVE LIKE THE OR-TAN. Kenny. Because he wants to join Rated RKO, get it? Best Kenny nickname ever. Now LIKE RO-MAN, I LIVE IN A CAVE runs out and attacks Edge. The faces clear the ring. I MISS STARFIRE *SNIFF* has a mic. Coach: “Quit it! Quit it!” He makes a six-man tag. That begins…now. So, I guess we’re gonna miss the beginning as we go to break.
Commercials. Why even pretend you were gonna do Edge vs Trips?
There was a middle segment to this match that I spent mostly in the can. Since I rebeaked the first and third segments live, I don’t think I can be bothered to go back and rebeak the middle segment. It’s big highlight was Randy hitting the RKO on Flair when Randy wasn’t legal and being all smirky but no one covering to end the match or anything. From what JR and Lawler were saying, that was probably the only heel offense of the whole segment.
Commercials. Zzz.
We’re back, and HBK is chopping Orton. Orton punches back. Orton sends HBK to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and gets neckbreakered. Lawler: “Randy, that’s what we call telegraphing your move, there!” No, it’s called Papa Shangoing. Edge is tagged in, goes up top, and goes for THE STUPID. Tag to Trips, tag to Kenny. Guess who wins this confrontation. Edge runs in, but Trips beats him down. JR: “The King of Kings, is beating the Hell out of the Prince of Pain!” What? Sting is here? The other Sting? Orton runs in and gets tossed by Trips. Trips tosses Edge. Spinebuster for Kenny. Tag to Flair, but Edge and Orton are back in. More brawling all around. Kenny is left in the ring with Flair. He tries to give Flair the Figure-4, but he’s fucking Kenny so he gets rolled up for 3. Edge comes in and spears Flair. The heels manage to take over and beat down Flair. They send some chairs in and try to set up a conchairto on HBK, but Trips gets a sledge and chases them off. Flair tenderly holds HBK’s head to Flair’s old man buzooms as Triple H beats up a chair.
WE’D BETTER PUT K-FED ON SUICIDE WATCH are talking to K-Fed on speakerphone. No nickname for people who don’t show up in person. Nitro: “Bitchify!” QUIT IT! QUIT IT! YOU GUUUUUUYS! arrives, and K-Fed doesn’t know who that is. Hahaha. <---sarcasm. Coach sets up Nitro vs Jeff Hardy in a steel cage. Where the Hell is Mercury? Probably at cram school. Hahaha, ha, heh. Now everyone leaves, and K-Fed is left asking “Hello? Is anybody there?” And ADMIRAL DAVID GLASGOW FARRAGUT comes in and says “damn.” Hilarity, thy name is “A guy who says ‘Damn’ all the time.”
Commercials. Some game is called “The Best Tony Hawke in Years,” which is the most empty piece of praise I’ve ever heard.
I mean, even if the last game was good, wasn’t it more than a year ago that it came out?
Our Wrangler Jeans of the Week is somehow Victoria killing everyone.
I’M DEADER THAN MY OWN FATHER looks worried. Hey, Chloe! WINNING A TAG MATCH AGAINST MASTERS AND VISCERA IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY YOUNG CAREER can’t figure out what Torrie’s so worried about. He probably figures if he can beat Victoria, anyone can. He kisses her. Torrie, not Victoria.
I’M CRAZY, AND A BITCH, CALL ME A CRAZITCH is out first, with her list. JR: “Don’t worry, we won’t touch your stuff.” Jerry: “Well…” I’d love a mini-storyline in which Lawler tries to molest Victoria and gets fucking murdered. I JUST GOT A NICKNAME just got a nickname. I love when a diva is terrified for storyline reasons, but still uses really perky, happy music. Lockup, and Victoria shoves Torrie down. Stomps. Monkeyflip into a guillotine. Victoria: “That hurt, huh?” Victoria beats her up some more. Victoria works a half-crab. So far, Victoria hasn’t done anything unusually vicious, but the commentators are all over her for being crazy and sadistic. Oh wait, now she’s biting Torrie’s fingers for no reason. Torrie rolls her up for 2 as Victoria spits out fingernails. Torrie tries a few clotheslines, but gets killed. Widow’s Peak, 123. MY PARTNER FAILED ME! now comes out and puts Torrie in the Masterlock. What the flying fuck? I SPIT IN THE FACE OF GETTING ANOTHER NICKNAME comes out, and Masters flees without a fight. Stupid. JR: “Masters knows Carlito and Torrie have a relationship.” Masters, on the ramp: “That’s right!” Haha. He couldn’t really hear him.
Commercials. Troops doing crotch chops. More Creed music. Or whatever they’re called now.
Our Rocky Balboa of the Week is Cena and Umaga and security.
WHAT GOOD IS A BULLDOZER WITH NO OPERATOR and NO ESTRADA are out. Here’s replays of Nitro kicking Cena. Umaga will be eating NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY. I believe Jeff avoided Samoa Joe for his entire TNA run since they didn’t want to make Jeff lose but there was no fucking way anyone would buy him beating Joe. Smark. Jeff tries a shoulderblock, but Umaga’s 108 Gems accessory makes him immune. Fat attacks by Umaga. Jeff ends up on the apron. He tries a sunset flip, Umaga holds the ropes, and they play the spot out for forever before Umaga tries to sit on Jeff and Jeff evades. More stuff happens. Jeff tries a shoulderblock, which is dumb. Umaga misses a big fatty splash. Whyspyr yn thy Wynd. Our commentators have the nerve to act like this could be it, and then we go to break.
Commercials. Most of the Dead or Alive chicks are just long-haired Asians in swimsuits. I’d think in a game this transparently about masturbatory aids, they’d cover a few more hot chick archetypes. No one appears to be playing beach volleyball in a Catholic Girls School uniform, cheerleader outfit, leather corset and thigh-high boots, bunny suit, or anything weird.
Raw is 3 hours next week. Great.
We’re back, and shockingly, Jeff did not win off the Whyspyr yn thy Wynd during the break. Instead, Umaga is clubbering on Jeff. Now he’s doing the Vulcan Death Grip nerve hold all horrible islander types do. JR: “King I’m tellin’ ya, this man is thick!” Built like Diesel, but thicker. Lawler: “I don’t know how you devise a strategy, to beat this guy!” Bribe the booker? Umaga does a clothesline, then stands around. Here’s a REPLAY OF THE CLOTHESLINE. Umaga goes up top. Jeff avoid Air Samoa. Jeff goes up…swanton connects! He covers, but Umaga kicks out of Jeff’s finisher, with authority. Jeff’s Twist of Fate attempt, but Umaga pushes him off and gets a Samoan Drop. Umaga hangs Jeff up in the Palm Tree of Woe. Headbutt. Jeff falls out of the Palm Tree of Woe. He does not hilariously land on some shipwrecked islander’s head. Jeff is down in the corner, in Ready To Be Hit By The Ultimate Super High Power Stinkface Position, and indeed, eats the Face Full of Poi. And another. JR and Lawler speculate that Umaga doesn’t know to end the match without Estrada’s orders. Indeed, the referee stops the match, but Umaga doesn’t get it and gives Jeff more poi. The ref gets between Umaga and Jeff, and is Samoan Spiked. Jeff gets one too. HEY JEFF I’VE BEEN SAMOAN SPIKED TOO! Here’s replays of running ass-smashes. Umaga gives us a happy thumbs-up, by mistake.
Commercials. ECW is on Saturday instead of Tuesday, which will slow down how quickly we can get my six uninterrupted RAWbeaks off of the front page.
Here’s replays of Cena beating Estrada. JR and Lawler talk about what a coward Nitro is for…stopping Cena from beating a manager down after the match was already over.
MIT OUT MERCURY are out first in the main event. Lawler starts talking about wardrobe malfunctions. Lawler, during the entrance: “Watch this!” JR: “Yeah, I’ll watch, it’s television, what else m’I gonna do.” JR brings back “the village wants it’s idiot back.” THE VILLAGE IDIOT OF WHITEYVILLE comes out and attacks. Shoulderblocks, stumblefuck kneedrop. Nitro reverses a whip, Papa Shangos, and gets kicked. Kicking someone off a Papa Shango generally means your moveset sucks. Cena kicks some more. Punches. Nitro bails, so Cena follows him out and…throws him back in. WHAT AN INTENSE BRAWL! Nitro tries clubbering, but Cena no-sells and punches. JR tries to talk about Magnificent Muraco, and somehow this leads Lawler to think of Melina’s breasts. Imperfectplex by Cena. Melina pulls Nitro outside, so Cena threatens to hit her. What a great champion. Nitro tries to save his girlfriend, so Cena beats him down. Back in the ring for shoulderblocks. Punches. I hate John Cena. Nitro gets whipped into the corner. Lawler: “I’m afraid if Cena hits Kevin Federline in the mouth, his rapping days may be over!” JR: “They’re not?” Hahaha. Nitro trips Cena up and tries to cover with his feet on the ropes, but the ref sees it. Cena goes for the F-U out of nowhere, and Nitro pisses me off by going to the eyes to escape and thus extending the match. Nitro dropkicks Cena to the floor as Melina screams. Nitro tosses Cena into the post, sends him back in, and covers for 2 a few times as Melina marks the fuck out. Nitro with the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody (the Nitro Aqua Rhapsody?) for 2. He tries for a vertical suplex, but Cena blocks it, and hot-shots Nitro across the top rope. Cena rushes in, but Nitro uses the old low-bridge and Cena spills to the floor. Melina points at Cena and laughs. Nitro goes outside, and punches Cena in the back. Doing that on the outside is EXTREME. Nitro sends Cena in and stomps. Nitro punches some, mocks Cena, but Cena punches back. Nitro thumbs him in the eye and applies a sleeper. He also wraps his legs around Cena’s torso, so if Melina was doing this, it would be the Melina Clutch. Hahaha, I found that a lot funnier than you did, I’m sure. Cena fights up and drops back to squash Nitro into the mat and force the break. Nitro tries to reapply the sleeper, and…does. Two sleeper spots in one match. Fantastic. Melina really does have lovely breasteses, as this camera shot makes quite clear. Haha, she’s pantomiming “go to sleep” at Cena. Cena fights out and punches. Melina grabs Cena’s foot, allowing Nitro to get that from-behind facebuster he does. It gets a looooong 2. Nitro pulls Cena into the corner and goes up top. He wants a crazy corkscrew moonsault, and he gets it, though he lands on the knee. Ouch. It gets 2. Cena punches back. Clothesline, shoulderblock. JR: “Nothing pretty about it!” He gets that one move. JR: “A slam!” YCSM, FKS. Marine salute instead of shoe-pumping. The fans are pretty split. F-U, 123. I fucking hate how he sells for like ten minutes, then gets one punch, one clothesline, that goofy sideslam, a fistdrop, and the F-U for the victory in EVERY MATCH.
Final Thoughts: Pretty painless for me as I got most of the beaking done live and they kept the DX to a minimum. It’s almost enough to make me wonder if VKM and general fan apathy towards DX are making a difference. Almost.
