Sofa SPOPPZORED my rant about him not knowing who Sylvester Turkay, Turkei, whatever his name really is is. But as I told him on AIM, if Jason can be peeved at me for forgetting the guy’s cameo in that one movie about wrestling Jesus, then I can be mad at
Sofa for not recognizing Turkey with Burke when he’s been in at least half a dozen Smackbeaks. But I don’t actually wish any harm on Sofa, so I absolve you from having to research the boring-as-shit quasi-shoot-fighter in the German flag jacket. The whole hybrid-wrestler/corn-fed Turkey was the only good thing that came out of his Smackdown run. That, and that one really loud Black lady yelling “What the Hell was that?” when he did his retarded backhand punch.
There’s a new Doctor Who DVD 3-Pack which covers the transition from Tom Baker to Peter Davison, which is only my favorite part of the whole classic series. Great gobs of Adric, miles and miles of Nyssa, steaming piles of Tegan. And the set will be released…after Christmas. D’oh!
I have finals for the next two weeks, so I’m gonna have to try and rush this.
Last week, Dusty Rhodes thought things were cool, he really did. But then: Ric Flair died. And failed to regenerate. It woulda been great, he could have kept calling Shawn and Hunter “Jamie and Zoe” in his post-regeneration confusion. Regeneration-X.
“I want domination, I want your submission.” Oh, you’re a switch.
Some fan has an X-Pac sign. Sweet Jesus God. From worse to bad, as THE CHIMP IS HERE, FLINGING POO is here. I said I was in a hurry, not pausing to think of good nicknames. Lawler: “Look at that, boy!” He thought JR was Black for a moment. Lots of shots of little kids who like Cena. With tons of booing in the background. Cena: “Sometimes when there’s a fight, you’re not gonna be the biggest. And sometimes when there’s a fight, you’re not gonna be the strongest.” Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much, I wanna hold you till I (Shut up, Frank.) Cena talks gibberish and makes fart noises to sound Samoan. Some fan, really loud: “That’s right! That’s right!” Cena impersonates Estrada, because Estrada is actually over. Then he talks about nuts. RETURN TO NEO FRANCE is Melina, who is back to wearing outer space French maid outfits. Her music interrupts early, so Cena has to finish his sentence which is going to end with “bullshit” and then pretend he only notices the music when he was about to say “bullshit.” Not his fault, not her fault, but it does make them both look like idiots. I wonder if this will end with John Cena F-Uing Melina for a babyface pop. Cena: “Umaga you’re looking very very different.” Teehee. Melina is cutting a promo on behalf of Kevin Federline, who can’t be bothered to show up. Haha, a still photo of K-Fed appears on the Stupidtron, and because of that one awful promo where he just stared at the camera, I thought he was live via satellite for a second. Cena calls Melina a slut. She slaps him. The idiots chant “F-U.” He complies, BUTWAIT, he lets her down as DO NOT HARM HER DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT SHE IS THE WOMAN? attacks? What? Masterpiece runs in, but Cena is ready and tosses him. I WILL EXECUTIVELY ASSIST YOU GUYS IN ACTUALLY MATCHING UP WITH PEOPLE YOU ARE ACTUALLY IN STORYLINES WITH appears. He announces that he instructed Masters to attack in revenge for something from a few weeks ago that I forget. Cena tells Coachman he sucks a few times. Coachman calls him “Johnny.” Coachman says tonight, Cena will take the Masterlock Challenge, and if Cena loses, Masters gets a title shot. Cena says that is “unentertaining,” and that no one gives a crap. YES. Cena spontaneously starts praising Bischoff for having made RAW controversial and exciting. That…came out of left field. Now Cena accuses Coach of singing Right Said Fred while posing in front of a mirror. Wow, random and unfunny. And…what, he has footage of this? The G-TV camera is back, catching Coach singing “I’m too sexy for this shirt” in a bathroom. Lawler thinks this is funny. JR references The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Coach starts talking again. The crowd whats him. Coachman makes the Masterpiece Challenge be for the title instead of for a title shot, and somehow, this isn’t unentertaining and crappy, suddenly it’s really controversial. The saving grace of this segment was that we got an upskirt shot when Melina was hoisted for the F-U. Forgive me, Brother D-Von, for profaning the name of your finisher. His finisher is called the Upskirt Shot, right?
Commercials. Yoshi’s Island DS? Why not Yoshi’s Island DX *rockin’ DX music.*
TO BE THE MAN YOU HAVE TO BEAT THE MAN SO WE ARE NOW COLLECTIVELY THE MAN are backstage patting each other on the back. Some security dude tells them Kenny is here to see them. I HOPE DX INSURED THAT PACKAGE LAST WEEK BECAUSE SOME OF THE CONTENTS DIDN’T MAKE IT is…here to see them. He wants to join Rated RKO. They say no. The end.
NOT AS GOOD AS HOWARD FINKEL tells us Roddy Piper had surgery. A still of Roddy Piper appears on the Stupidtron. Lillian informs us this next match is dedicated to Roddy Piper’s speedy recovery. ACH MAN PLEASE CHEER FOR US PLEASE are the Highlanders. They get some cheap “an old man is dying and we are from the same country as him” heat. They’re even wearing “Hot Rod” shirts. Maybe if they murder him outright, they’ll get sent to ECW and Robbie will become ECW Champion within the month. Or maybe they’ll get fired. And go to TNA, where their love of Roddy Piper will bring them under Raven’s sway. Their opponents are THE QUARKS, DEADLY SERVANTS OF THE RUTHLESS DOMINATORS. I didn’t feel like thinking of a proper Cade/Murdoch nickname, and since I didn’t get to reference Jamie McCrimmon in the Highlander name, I’ll name these guys for the only enemies I’ve ever seen Jamie defeat. As far as I can see, Trevor Murdoch doesn’t attack anyone in the crowd. The Highlanders yell “Hot Rod” a lot, but get jumped. The evil rednecks get distracted by Rory existing, and thus get missile dropkicked by Robbie (he’s Robbie.) Flapjack by Rory on whichever one got hit by the missile dropkick, because only one of them actually got hit. Running around occurs, and the heels take over by double-teaming Rory. They do that bit where Cade inverted atomic drops a guy, and then Murdoch kicks them. Murdoch is tagged in. He clubbers. Tag to Cade. Double-whip, double elbow. JR: “The future may be now!” No, JR, that isn’t how it works. Stomps. Tag to Cade, who punches. Scoop and a slam. Murdoch goes for a second rope THE STUPID. Race (Celtic) for the tag, and Robbie is in. He does “sledgehammer blows,” according to JR. The heels take over and doubleteam him anyway. Looking for the Sweet and Sour, I think, but Robbie ducks. Rory grabs Murdoch’s legs and pulls him out of the ring. Lance Cade yells “TREVOR!” in a hilariously emo way as Robbie rolls him up. THAT’S HIS MOVE, TONY! It gets 3. JR: “The Highlanders proving once again that it only takes three seconds to win a match!” They don’t prove that very often, really. JR: “Rolling up Cade and Murdoch, Cade specifically!” You’re an idiot.
Commercials. Unaccompanied Minors. They need a manager to accompany them. I imagine the Reverend Slick is available.
Two weeks ago, hot chicks fighting in shiny outfits.
THIS SHOULD BE SOMEWHAT EASIER THAN FIGHTING UMAGA is Maria. Gorgeous as always, but I don’t get why she’s wearing a lacey stocking on one leg and not on the other. Her opponent is I WILL CONTINUE TO KILL UNTIL SOMEONE FINDS STEVIE. She has a list of names. The names…OF THE PATRIOTS! *Swirls cape.* Actually, the list reads Candice Michelle, Maria, Torrie Wilson, and Mickie James. Candice Michelle is already marked off. It’s a neat piece of heelery, but it also serves to point out how pathetic the women’s division is on this show. Though at least I know which one is which, which I basically did not know on Smackdown. Victoria kicks Maria down and stomps her a lot. She gets her into the ropes and knees her in the back of the head. Now she talks all nice to Maria before hitting her, because she’s a fucking crazy bitch. Maria punches back, so Victoria gets pissed and punches her harder. Here’s that whirling sideslam that probably had a name at some point. It…wins? No Widow’s Peak? Boo. VICTORIA, YOU KNOW THAT TAINT RIGHT comes out to check on Maria. Sorry about that nickname. Victoria attacks her, and there’s your Widow’s Peak. She paws at her hair crazily.
Commercials. Order December to Dismember if you want to see the ppv people are calling the worst ever. I think it’s awfully decent of Sofa to sit at ECW’s bedside holding it’s hand so it doesn’t die alone and unloved.
JR and Lawler pat themselves on the back for the upcoming Christmas in Iraq thing. Then they tell us that as a charitable act, two WWE superstars visited a retirement home recently. Ok, I’ve already seen it, but even watching live I knew it was going to be Cryme Tyme and I knew it was going to be horrible. So yeah, a lot of old White people are terrorized by COMICAL NEGROES. Haha, look at that one guy who needs his oxygen mask before they even do anything because they are Black, haha. Sometimes I type haha when something makes me smile, and sometimes I use it ironically. Take a guess as to which that was. Amos and Andy sing “Reggie the red-faced crack-head.” Then they do a wacky version of “Silent Night” about robbing White people and pimping hos. Both songs end with “jeah!” If these guys are as over as FilmCans says they are, it’s only a matter of time before they split, feud, Shad gets pushed because he’s big, and JTG gets fired. Sorry, they draw out the smark in me. They sing another robbery song. Now they attempt to leave with a White woman. Some White guy tries to stop them, but the White lady says “Hey, don’t you mess with my homies, or I’ll bust a cap up in your ass, beyotch.” Cryme Tyme make my teeth hurt.
THE Z-LIST are Duggan, Grisham and Super Crazy. They are watching Cryme Tyme’s antics on a monitor and laughing stagily. THE GRUMPIEST GROUCH EVER TO NOT LIKE OBLIQUELY RACIST CRAP is Shelton Benjamin, who is grouchy and irritable because he doesn’t like minstrel shows. Shelton asks Super Crazy questions, and he keeps answering “ci.” The crowd yells “hooo” because Hacksaw Motherfucking Duggan is the most over person here. Shelton threatens to kick Super Crazy’s ass in a match tonight, and Super Crazy says “No problem, punk-ass, beyotch” and it’s in a Mexican accent so of course it’s deeply, deeply funny.
Commercials. You down with OCD, bacterial free. Heh.
A BLACK PERSON WHO ISN’T ENGAGED IN WACKY HIJINKS BOOOOOO is in the ring, telling us all to be ashamed of ourselves for liking Cryme Tyme. Am I excused, Shelton? Haha, while trying to figure out how to spell hijinks (which still may be wrong,) dictionary.com suggested “skylarking” as an alternative. Next week, Cryme Tyme will trick the neighborhood kids into whitewashing their fence. Blackwashing. IF YOU DON’T LIKE CRYME TYME YOU’RE SUPER CRAZY is his opponent. JR references Shelton slamming Coachman a few weeks ago. I figured they had forgotten that because it felt like part of a face turn. Shelton kicks and clubbers as JR and Lawler spend the whole match telling us how horrible Shelton is for not liking Cryme Tyme (who stole his stuff a few weeks ago, didn’t they?) JR: “Shelton’s his own worst enemy sometimes, he overthinks things.” *Shakes head.* I could make some lame joke about how there’s no danger of the WWE writers ever doing that, but really, we’re having it pounded into our heads here that if Cryme Tyme being comically criminal negroes bothers you at all, it’s because you’re overthinking and can’t relax and enjoy the racism. Yes WWE, you may have a point, it’s possible I’m just not stupid enough to be a fan. Super Crazy gets a near fall off a springboard crossbody out of the corner. JR: “This match could end suddenly!” That would be fine with me. Normally I like these guys, but Shelton gets the worst storylines. Shelton takes back over a soupar kick. More stuff happens. Shelton misses the Shelton Splash. Shelton probably hates Sting for putting on ghostly facepaint to scare Black people. Super Crazy tries to capitalize with a moonsault, but Shelton hates the moon because it’s Sailor is a non-White who emulates White people with her blonde hair and…uh…inability to dance. And thus Shelton evades. Exploder suplex, 1, 2, 3. HEY VISCERA YOU’VE LOST WEIGHT is Charlie Haas, who runs into the ring and hilariously flips the fuck out and starts hugging Shelton and lifting him into the air and raising his arm in victory and just being fucking insane. And Shelton, of course, has no idea why he’s here and acts vaguely disgusted by him. Wow, that random kooky ending saved the whole thing for me. Seriously.
Commercials. Playstation 3 turns eggs into ravens.
Some fan summed up Masters best by yelling YOU SUCK. JR says catch-as-catch-can and then declares that he can’t see Chris Masters as WWE champion. IF I WENT SWIMMING I’D BE THE AQUA MARINE is out. Ok, so, Masterlock Challenge, and if Masters wins, he gets the title. But if Cena wins, does he get THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS or whatever the old prize was? Ok, so, Cena sits in the chair. Masterlock applied, after ten hours of teasing. Masters flails Cena about ridiculously. JR: “Cena’s bustin’ a gut!” He must be thinking about the antics of Cryme Tyme. Cena starts to pass out. Lawler: “Look at Cena’s face, it’s turning purple!” The purple headed warrior. Come out to plaaaaay. Sorry. Cena starts to fight back, wow. Masters rams Cena into the referee, knocking the ref out. Lame. Masters breaks the hold and clubbers, but Cena spontaneously puts him into a full nelson of his own. The ref wakes up, and sees Masters tap out. That wasn’t really lame, it was beyond lame. CENA STOLE MY THEME MUSIC HE WILL PAY comes out, to his theme music, which started playing when Cena won for some reason. Security separates Cena and Umaga, and Estrada sneaks in a low-blow on Cena while he’s being held. Both men break free and brawl outside. Umaga throws Cena onto the announce table. Lawler, talking like a normal guy and not using his shrieky character voice at all: “John, you all right?” Now security grabs them again, and they break free and brawl, and get held apart again, and break free and brawl, over a million times. I didn’t care about this match before, but now that both men have beaten up security guards, I can’t wait! Umaga’s music plays. He is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MASTERLOCK CHALLENGE.
Commercials. Some guy drinks and drives and ends up in jail. LET’S GO TO JAIL!
Moments ago, MY GAWD SECURITY GUARDS AND CLUBBERING MY GAWD WE’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE IT IS ALMOST AS EXCITING AS DX BY GAWD! JR: “Umaga and Cena, literally beating the…the holy Hell out of each other!” JR should never use the word “literally.”
VICTORIA’S NEXT VICTIM doesn’t seem concerned. CHARLIE HAAS YOU BROKE MY HEART invades to hit on her. I LOVE TORRIE BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE MATT MORGAN now appears. He talks some, then spits apple at Viscera. Torrie laughs. Girls always dig guys who spit all over everyone. ASK ME WHAT MY SHIRT SAYS gets in his weekly “damn.”
Last week, Team RKO made Ric Flair bleed in black and white. And now they show it in color, so what was the point of showing it in black and white?
Todd Grisham interviews DAMIE AND XOE. DX are all serious and intense, and I keep waiting for them to suddenly start laughing and pulling prankers, which just goes to show how having two comic relief guys as your main stars can be a problem. HBK tells Todd that he can’t hold down Ric Flair. Was Todd trying to? Now HBK basically admits that the whole “young and rebellious defying authority respecting no one” thing is a big lie and DX are big Flair marks. HBK: “The pain and humiliation that you put him through last week is not gonna compare to what you suffer at the hands of Degeneration X.” They’re gonna stick your faces in Big Dick Johnson’s ass like TEN TIMES.
Commercials. CoinStar has some special promotion going on with Starbucks. Starbuck. Free boxing matches with Adama’s kid.
This Week in Wrestling History, Chris Jericho became the first undisputed champion ever and shocked the shit out of everyone in the process.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WANTING TO BE COOL? (w/PREPARES APPLE) is out. Lawler: “How much milk do you think Torrie does…drinks in a day?” What? I AM ANGRY AT YOU BUT I WOULD NOT BE ANGRY IF YOUR GIMMICK INVOLVED SPITTING HAMBURGERS is out. JR: “Viscera, the village called, it wants it’s idiot back!” Horrible. That would be one weird village, by the way, if Viscera sits around at the entrance to town being retarded and begging. Carlito gets shoved down. Imitation ham hands. Spam hands. Hahahaha, man, I’m pretty good sometimes. Viscera with beals and chokes and fat guy offense. Carlito evades and punches some. JR: “Southpaw.” Carlito goes to the ropes, but Viscera follows him in and clotheslines him. He was probably supposed to go out, but eh. Split screen replay, and we miss Viscera offense. He’s getting up off the mat, so he may have gone for that “flying kick” where he sort of falls sideways and sticks his foot out. Carlito does a springboard THE STUPID, getting swatted down. Viscera misses an elbow drop. Carlito punches. Running kneelift (JR calls it a “million dollar kneelift,”) but he goes to the ropes again and gets sidewalk slammed. Viscera dances fatly. He goes to the ropes, Torrie grabs his leg, and…busted a strap on her top and has to hold it closed. Carlito capitalizes on the distraction with a missile dropkick. Springboard crap, springboard moonsault, and a cover for 3. Lawler screams “wardrobe malfunction” a lot of times.
Earlier, Lawler mentioned that Coachman called Estrada and Cena to his office, and I forgot to mention it. Now ESCUUUUUUUUUSE ME (like Latino Steve Martin, get it?) talks to WHITER THAN DAN AYKROYD. Estrada tells Cena that he met with Coachman, and convinced him that Cena and Umaga can’t touch for the rest of the year. I’M JUST A PUPPET, PUPPET, PUPPET is Coachman, who walks in. Cena sees him, but pretends he doesn’t and starts yelling about how Estrada thinks he’s a big man who has Coach “in the palm of his hand” and is like that puppet master Gung-Ho Gun. Coachman gets mad and yells at Estrada because Coachman’s an idiot. But the thing about Cena and Umaga not touching stands. “Unless you’re in a match,” Coach adds. What the…then what’s the whole freaking point? Coachman books Estrada vs Cena because Cena is the master manipulator. He manipulates the Master. Mostly he orders him to wear stupid disguises and job to the Doctor.
Commercials. It’s a good thing this town loves Dish Network and not penis or something.
I don’t care about See No Evil, Christ.
I LIKE PENIS is Val Venis. I have one chance a month for a Venus/Artemis reference, and I drop the ball. Don’t pick up the ball when Venis is behind you. Venis is hosting the kiss cam. Why is this on the air? Venis gets some hot female plants from the crowd to come into the ring. These hot female plants will make fine wives for Vash and Knives. Val makes them kiss. They peck. Val looks sad. He says the name of the city, and this somehow causes the girls to make out properly. I FIND THIS SEGMENT RETARDED emerges. Eugene has THE STICK. Eugene: “I want a kiss! Will you kiss me? No? But I’m special!” He tries to force a girl to kiss him. Val mediates. Porn stars make the best Special Ed aides. Eugene attacks Val. He stretchers him across the bottom rope while yelling “I’m special!” repeatedly. Retarded DDT. RDDT. He gets on the announce table and yells that he’s special. Maybe Cryme Tyme isn’t so exploitative after all.
Commercials. The Piper DVD will include all that stuff with him painted half Black that was so thoroughly awful.
Our Final Fantasy XII Slam of the Week is Vaan slamming Penelo up the ass yeaheaheah! Sorry. I really have no idea where that came from. It’s actually Edge and Orton getting DQed last week against the Hardyz.
Although the two teams get separate entrances, I will still refer to the heels as RATED MRNKMO. So MNM being back for “one night only” was a big fat lie, huh? Melina’s ass goes unblocked in the new entrance, but the camera is at a pretty PG angle. Their opponents are DX’S PARTNERS and DX. Did I mention DX? In fairness, the Hardyz did get their own entrance and a good pop. I mean, it wasn’t a full entrance, but I think we should be happy they got one at all. Though this is North Carolina. Hardy Country. Boil the water before drinking it. DX are all intense and angry and rush the ring. JR: “This should be a wild west affair!” Do you know what you’re talking about? Faces clear the ring, then chase the heels instead of posing. Trips bashes Orton against a table. They both go in, and are the legal men. Triple H leans on Orton and chokes in a violent but still homoerotic way. Tag to HBK, who cops. Hahaha, a fan sign says “VKM” in big letters and “DX SUCKS!” underneath, but it looks like it was drawn by a four-year-old. Orton sends HBK to the ropes, but Papa Shangos and gets swinging neckbreakered. Triple H is tagged in for punchings. Wait, when did Nitro get tagged in? Matt is tagged in to attack Nitro. “Hardy” chant. I’d like to thank the North Carolina crowd for popping louder for Matt than for DX. Jeff is tagged in to an even bigger pop. Dropkick to the back of the head of Nitro. “Edge sucks” chant for Edge. I hope that makes Orton feel ashamed of himself for his lack of overness. The Hardyz set up a Poetry in Motion on both MNMers, then do some other weird doubleteam move whose name I don’t know. Now they’re chanting for Randy. Maybe that was a doubleteam wheelbarrow suplex. Shades of Doubleteam Spanky.
Commercials. There’s a sequel to FF XII coming out, featuring all the old characters minus one, and it’s coming out on a different system. Not PS3 either, it’s Nintendo DS, I think. It has me wondering if somebody at Squaresoft thinks FF XII fans are going to buy new systems to play FF XII games.
It’s not really this match’s fault, but I’m pretty much ready for this to end so I can sneak in some video games before I have to do accounting homework. Maybe I’ll be asked to compute Quark’s debts before he became a gun-runner for one episode, or perhaps I’ll be asked to computer Yuna’s “diaphanous white blouse expense.” Anyway, Jeff is punching Nitro. He tries something fancy, and gets kicked in the chest as he comes flying in. Tag to Mercury, who fires away. Waters away. Mercury. Tag to Orton, who punches. JR notes that Edge has been “laying out of the action,” which is a bit unfair of an accusation in an 8-man-tag. Nitro is tagged in for punchings. Mercury tagged in, and they set him up to be monkeyflipped into the ropes, guillotine style. JR: “Clothesline, right off that top…turnbuckle!” That isn’t what happened, uh, at all. Merc covers for 2. Tag to Nitro for a doubleteam gutbuster. A cover gets 2. Edge tags in. He plays to the crowd, and Jeff almost escapes, but no. Ninja chokeout by the Torontorian ninja. That’s a real word. True story. Dropkick by Edge, and a tag to Orton. Orton drops a knee, and then tags. Rated FBI. They do some doubleteam move that doesn’t hurt anymore for two of them having done it. A cover for 2. Garvin Stomp. Because the stupidest douche ever should use the stupidest move ever. Orton with his patented ninja chokeout. The Ortons are one of the most ancient ninja clans. MNM come in and eat Whyspyr yn thy Wynd. And when I say the eat it, I mean they were in the ring when Jeff fucked it up and barely touched them. JR calls it “that Twist of Fate!” Jeff tags in Matt, who clotheslines both MNMers. Edge and Orton run in, and so does DX. The faces clear the ring. HBK, Matt, and Jeff all simultaneously do slingshot planchas in three different sides of the ring (three different sides how cool.) That’s pretty contrived. JR starts screaming about HBK’s daredevil antics and appears to have completely missed the fact that both Hardys also did it. Back in the ring, HHH spinebusters Orton. JR: “HOWDYA LIKE YOUR SPINEBUSTER!?!?” THE K IN RATED RKO CAN BE FOR KENNY IT’LL BE GREAT shows up and hits Shawn Michaels with a steel chair at ringside. At least I think so, as the camera crew (apparently borrowed from TNA) was showing us Triple H posing, and then we heard a chairshot, and cut to Kenny yelling and waving a chair over HBK’s corpse. Triple H sees him and attacks. JR: “Shawn Michaels has been, his head was taken off by a steel chair!” Literally! Jeff goes up top, but Nitro shoves him off. Matt attacks Nitro, but turns into a spear from Edge. Jeez, Lita is gone, and Matt is still jobbing to Edge. The Hardyz ate the pinfall WHAT A SHOCK! The champs’ music plays as Triple H brings Kenny into the ring. Superkick, Pedigree, play their music because DX ARE THE NEW WINNERS OF THIS MATCH! The Hardyz are on the Farplane.
Final Thoughts: It’s amazing how DX can ruin WWE and also indirectly ruin TNA by creating an excuse for VKM.
