Me: Where, are, the reinforcements?
So-Fa: Here I am, everyone! So-Fa has arrived!
Me: I always knew you’d come for me!
START TALKING YUNA: A hilarious play on STOP SINGING YUNA, see? Not that Yuna is in the new game FF. Though Ashe is basically a really grumpy version of Yuna who gets pissy instead of weepy when her world turns to shit. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that the worst part of FFXII is that the dialogue is absurdly sparse. You do tons of fighting between every cinematic sequence, and there’s no cute in-combat chatter like “Lotta fiends today, ya?” to remind you of the characters’ personalities. So while the game is fun to play, I don’t know anything about any of the people I’m controlling and it’s making it hard to care about plot battles anymore than side-quests.
I AM A BIG FAT NERD: As I bored Sofa with briefly the other night, I had no idea that there was a Pegasus and a Cain on the original Battlestar Galactica show. I figured Admiral Cain was a reference to The Caine Mutiny. The movie of that was about Lieutenant Commander Queeg, played by the great Humphrey Bogart. Commander Cain on the old Battlestar Galactica show was played by Lloyd Bridges, he of “by this time my lungs were aching for air” fame. And the new series’ Admiral Cain was played by the chick who played Ro on Star Trek: The Next Generation. You may remember Ro as the chick was written out and later brought back, but this time she was named Kira.
RAW IS BAD: I got an email or two patting me on the back and asking after me over my super-bitchy RAWbeak last week. Truth be told, the show was not all that bad to rebeak until I got to the final thoughts, by which time I’d had too much time to stew over the shittiness of DX. I have no plans to drop RAW at this time, as I don’t see how the show can get worse. But thanks for the emails. And for buying those JG friendship bracelet.
Oddly, I taped the however many minutes before RAW begins segment they show during Law and Order. Nothing really happened.
And now the show can begin, oddly enough, not with DX. NO LIMIT CHAIN GANG SOLDIERS HOOTIE HOO are Cena’s team of himself, Lashley, RVD, Sabu, and Kane. Hey, maybe the guy shouting yabba doo at the beginning of Cena’s music is really shouting hootie hoo. Anything is possible. But anyway, wow, what a horrible, horrible team. The team shows it’s unity by standing around and letting Cena talk. Wouldn’t it be horrible if Umaga was the sole survivor and they used it to set up a two or three payperview long Cena/Umaga feud? Cena: “Just when you think that it’s safe to get back in the water and have a good old fashioned fight with your local Samoan bulldozer, (splash fight) big old poopy pants comes runnin’ down and ruins the party!” Vince McMahon? Cena: “Big Show wantin’ to start Survivor Series all early and stuff.” Cena tries to call out “Team Goodyear,” but gets TEAM RATED G FOR GOODYEAR. They have horrible music now, just going back and forth between Edge’s and Orton’s themes with no cohesion at all. Haha, look at Mike Knox trying to get in shot. Edge starts, and really says nothing. Orton tells the crowd to shut up, then praises the “up and coming” Mike Knox. He’s a comer. TEAM WOODEN WHEELS LIKE YOU’D GET ON A CATAPULT are out. Flair says Team RKO are pathetic, and the word pathetic summons OUR WHEELS CONSIST OF TWO GUYS CURLED UP IN A SORT OF 69 FETAL POSITION. Kenny starts talking trash. One of the other guys tries to talk, but Kenny snatches the mic away and talks because he’s heel. Kenny wants to start a cheer. Kenny: “Are you guys ready?” TEAM HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE YEAR have their music played. Lawler: “ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU READY!?!?” Yes, I get it, Jerry. Though he probably felt he had to punch the line up since Kenny flubbed it by adding “guys.” Kenny likes to add guys to any and all situations to make them more fun. JR: “Co-captains DX!” Haha, look at Matt Hardy hopping around like an idiot doing the V-1 sign. You can (part 2 of) kinda see C.M. Punk back there racing for pinks, but the Hardy’s completely disappear once the shot is established. Shawn wants to start the “Royal Rumble” right now, and Triple H corrects him, ha ha. Now Triple H says the Spirit Squad are gay. JR: “Ouch.” Triple H talks about Big Show and Twinkies. He calls Team RKO the Village People, which makes sense because, uh, there’s five of them? It works even less well with Melina right there. Team Extreme is reunited, officially, by Triple H in a run-on sentence in which he gradually gets around to talking about what really matters, DX. Edge tells us everyone is sick of DX. YES. Edge: “I betcha Cena’s even sick of you two!” Cena sort of demurs. AT LAST, TEAM GOODYEAR roll into town. Hahaha, what a fucking fantastically random team. Show, Umaga, Test, Finlay, and MVP…a dream team! Wow, MVP’s outfit is really stupid. I don’t think I’ve even seen it before. Show starts to talk, but Cena challenges everyone to get in the ring. I AM THE ONE, TRUE, POOPY PANTS comes out. Vince: “What the Hell’s the matter with you people? Have you lost your mind?” Their collective mind. Vince makes a big deal of making an 8-man tag featuring all the face captains against all the heel captains in a special Meaningless Match. The pecking order is reestablished as he lists both teams in order of RAW, Smackdown, and then ECW (including listing Kenny above The Big Show.) Well, that wasn’t very good, but it sure beat last week’s thirty-minute DX promo opening.
Commercials. No matter how many times this Terran Marine dude from Gears of War jumps in front of a giant spider monster, he never thinks to run away.
WWEshop.com ad, featuring horny Santa ogling RAW Divas. Some orders qualify for a free ancient DX DVD! WOOOOOOOOOOOW! Hahaha, Chyna shares the cover. Can’t they digitally hide her?
THE PRINCESS BRIDAL, TEENAGE IDOL, CHRISTIAN REVIVAL SABU has a match on RAW, because ECW is totally it’s own brand and true to the original rebellious spirit of the promotion. His opponent is YOUR LOCAL SAMOAN BULLDOZER (w/THIS IS ASSUMING OF COURSE YOU LIVE IN SAMOA.) I don’t even like Sabu, and this is still really, really wrong. Sabu rushes in, and Umaga punches him right in the throat and Sabu is immediately down. Stomping. Umaga bounces Sabu’s head against the top turnbuckle. Stomps. Umaga chases the ref. Sabu tries a kick and a punch, both of which are completely no-sold. Sabu is thrown to the ropes, and gets shoulderblocked out of the ring. Umaga pitches Sabu into the security railing, and Sabu…sort of starts to fall into the crowd, but doesn’t. Back in the ring, and Umaga does a diving headbutt. I forget which tag team Supes and I made just do constant diving headbutts in one of the Smackdown games. Sabu fights back with jobber punches, but runs into a kick. Umaga with his stupid little scream. I’d like to point out that Umaga’s undefeated streak is still intact, while Samoa Joe’s is not. Food for thought. Food over which those two large men will fight. JR: “I’ve always admired Sabu’s Hell bent for leather attitude.” Sabu dodges a corner charge and gets a springboard into a stupid-looking fancykick to make Umaga do the “Fatty Won’t Fall Down” dance. He ducks something, kicks Umaga’s leg out of his leg, and does a springboard into a DDT. Sabu springboard the stupid’s though, landing in a Goozle and getting Samoan Spiked. It looked like a clothesline. Lawler: “Was that the spike?” I guess it was, because it gets 3. Lawler: “That was so one-sided!”
Commercials. BoDogFights. I saw part of Rocky IV today. As stupid as that movie is, BoDogFights is basically trying to cash in on the exact same thing, almost twenty years later.
STILL NOT TRISH STRATUS is shooting T-shirts with the T-shirt gun. Lawler gets on his desk and tries to get her to shoot him one, because he has no access to WWE merchandise. SHOOT ME A MASTERPIECE SHIRT OH WAIT THERE ISN’T ONE BECAUSE I SUCK (man, way to zing him JG, pat yourself on the back for that one) invades. Sit the fuck down before he notices you. Masters: “Lawler, I’ll get to you in one second.” Too late. Masters: “Torrie, that’s a mighty big gun you’ve got. But, have you ever seen guns like there?” *Pose.* He’s not even laughably bad. I SPIT IN THE FACE OF MASTERS, WHICH IS, YOU KNOW, OLD HAT invades. This is one feud I didn’t want to see again. Carlito makes jokes about how guns = penises and Masters’ penis is not very big. Then he attacks. He basically hits Masters once, then dropkicks him out of the ring. Then he and Torrie kiss, and take their time, and slowly make their way out of the ring, so that no matter how tight the close-up is, I am not exactly shocked when Masters attacks from behind. Masterlock applied. The fans cheer for Jerry, damn it. WHOA DEAN, WHOA ALL THE NICE LAAAAADIES runs in, and Masters flees. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHERE THIS STORYLINE IS HEADED!
The Smackdown vs RAW Replay is Nitro doing a super-fancy corkscrew moonsault, and losing the match anyway. Also, post-match beat down with a ladder that happened to be there.
Commericla.s Wow, that’s a serious typo right there.
Here’s a video package about K-Fed. Wow, he faces Cena on the January 1st RAW. Starting his year off in a way that will…pretty much reflect how the rest of his life will go. Does this video package mean we won’t see K-Fed until then? I can hope.
DAMN IT MASTERS WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE LAWLER OUT AGAIN is Grisham, who gets to interview A TWO-PERSON ROWBOAT WITH K-FED AS IT’S ANCHOR. Two-person rowboats that can carry four people are useful when you need to fight KARY THE FIRE FIEND or get FLOATER. Melina: “K-Fed, I know you’re watching and we just wanted to let you know that you are in our hearts.” Kiss blown to the camera by Melina, pat my heart with my fist and then point it at camera by Nitro. Nitro: “Because there’s two types of people in this world Todd. There’s people like me, Melina, K-Fed, us, well we’re ballers. (BALLA BUSTA) Then there’s people like Jeff Hardy, and the people who cheer for Jeff Hardy…posers. Phonies. (THAT GUY’S A PHONY) Wannabes. You see, the only reason anybody gives a damn about Jeff Hardy is because every time he gets in the ring, there is a fifty-fifty chance that he’s gonna kill himself.” Ouch. Melina does adorable “gag me” motions when Jeff is mentioned.
THE PATHETIC PALS are backstage. Kenny says one of them gets to face Dusty Rhodes tonight. Johnny wants to go. Someone who isn’t Johnny or Kenny: “Do it up, Johnny!” Kenny picks Nicky instead as the tension between Johnny and Kenny continues to build. Someone notices that OLD MEN NEED BONER PILLS is chatting with ORDER YOUR BONER PILLS THOUGH GODADDY.COM SOMEHOW. Candice acts like she’s all into Ric and Kenny chases her away. Kenny: “You know I was thinking, and in the midst of my thinking, I wanted to remind you, that this Sunday, at Survivor Series, youth…youth is going to prevail.” What a tortured sentence. Kenny doesn’t care what fossil replaces Piper on Team Old, because I guess Piper is dead. Did he go to Heaven? Hell? Frogtown? Ric: “Taking nothing away from DX, Kenny, I’ve got two words for ya. WOO!” Kenny: “That’s kinda what…” But he’s interrupted by THE SECOND WORD IS DAMN HAHAHAHA who is wearing a T-shirt that says “DAMN.” He says “damn!”
Jeff Hardy has to give the IC Strap to some ref so it can be suspended over the ring.
Commercials. Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball 2. Lonely X-Box nerds, begin limbering up your right hands.
JOHNNY NITROUS (w/LAUGHS INSTEAD OF SCREAMS) is out first. JR refers to Melina as the “speaker of the Nitro house.” Here comes I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THAT TITLE BELT AND IT’S PIXIE MAGIC. Nitro went under the ladder on his way in, and Jeff went around it so Jeff will win. JR: “Jeff may self destruct!” Jeff avoids punches and punches. Nitro slides out, slides back in, and kicks. European uppercuts by Nitro. Clubberies by Nitro. He whips Jeff into a corner, but Jeff Whyspyrs yn the Wynd. We got to a split screen for a replay as Nitro is taking over somehow, great editing job. Nitro with a facebuster as Melina screams. Nitro goes out to fetch the ladder, and Jeff baseball slide dropkicks it into his face. Now Jeff slingshots himself to the outside, ramming the ladder into Nitro as he goes. Let’s take a break.
Commercials. Stop making movies, National Lampoon.
We’re back, and Jeff is kicking Nitro out of the ring. The ladder is set up, Jeff starts climbing, but Nitro returns and shoves it over. Jeff is thus super hot-shotted. Here’s a replay from during the break, where Nitro baseball slide kicked the ladder into Jeff. Back to love action, and Jeff bounces Nitro’s face off of the ladder. He starts to go up, Nitro follows on the other side, and Nitro wants a superduperplex, but Jeff shoves him off. Attempted yodeling, but Nitro pushes the ladder and Jeff crotches himself falling off it into the corner post. Now Jeff missile dropkicks the ladder into Nitro’s face. It was one of those spots that looked cool but probably wouldn’t hurt as much as a less convoluted dropkick. Jeff sets up the ladder, but Nitro clubbers him from behind. Nitro monkey flips Jeff onto the ladder, but Jeff catches himself and start climbing. What a stupid thing to do, Nitro. Nitro quickly climbs up the other side and they start trading punches. Nitro…does a standing dropkick from the first rung from the top, killing himself and Hardy. Nitro is up, with the ladder, and…he hits Jeff with it. He sets it up for a run at the belt. Nitro going up, but Jeff clubbers from behind. He pulls Nitro down. He knocks the ladder down, then scoop slams Nitro across it. Going up top, swanton…Nitro moves! Even Melina looks shocked. And gorgeous. Sorry. Here’s a replay of Jeff swanton bombing a ladder. Lawler: “Look at his back, his spinal cord!” Funny, I can’t see his spinal cord. Haha, even Melina’s reaction gets a replay. Nitro throws the ladder at Hardy, and it ends up wrapped around his neck. They gonna do a Three Stooges routine now? Nitro dropkicks him down. Nitro drapes the ladder across the second rope in the corner. After some clubbing and stuff, Jeff gets whipped into the ladder corner. Nitro goes outside and gets another ladder. Lawler: “I think that’s a bigger ladder!” Pause. JR: “You’re right!” Nitro brings in the big ladder, then Mercury Aqua Rhapsodies Jeff. Nitro hits Jeff with the ladder some more. Nitro sets the ladder up in the corner, but Jeff reverses the corner whip and Nitro eats ladder. Jeff sets up the original ladder (straight OL) and climbs it. Nitro climbs on the other side, but Jeff…flips over the top of the ladder and sunset flip powerbombs Nitro off the ladder. Nice. Jeff sets the ladder up in the corner again. Climbing up in the corner…he leapfrogs the ladder and legdrops Nitro. Jeff now places the ladder over Nitro (which somehow traps Nitro who can’t just shove it over) and climbs up. And…retrieves the belt. Is that a Rob Conway sign? Oh, no it isn’t. That match was ok, but I think ladder matches are pretty much played out.
Commercials. Survivor Series. “A twenty year tradition of survival returns!” Hey, the voice of Gorilla Monsoon. Is using him really in the spirit of surviving?
This week in wrestling history: The Undertaker debuted. Boo. MC Poopy Pants: “The dark days have begun!” The narrator credits him with introducing Hell in a Cell, and then shows clips from the second Hell in a Cell match.
Lawler reports that his crown is missing, and he assumes Cryme Tyme stole it because darkies are criminals. In fact it was stolen by a Baltimore Raven. Who cares?
Todd Grisham introduces DEY’S A WOMAN IN DA MEN’S ROOM TONY! TONY! TONY! Dusty yells. “Coke and smoke!” Lawler says “nobody’s like the American Dream” but it sounded a lot like “nobody likes the American Dream!” THE NICKIEST SPIRIT SQUADDIE OF ALL is out first, and Dusty soon follows. JR: “The son of a plumber!” Dusty comes into the ring and gropes himself. Nicky considers an attack from behind, but Dusty sees it coming. Standing around. Dusty backs Nicky into the corner. Nicky tries a cheapshot on the break, but Dusty evades. Dusty indicates that he has an elbow, and Nicky falls on his ass. Nicky retreats some more. Thumb to the eye by Nicky, and clubbering. Haha, Dusty is the victim of a clubberin’. Nicky with some kicks and stuff. Nicky viciously sits on Dusty’s leg. He works the leg some more. Dusty kicks him out of the ring. JR: “Where with it all!” Nicky punches some more. Nicky goes up top for THE STUPID, jumping into a punch. Dusty with fat dancing. Bionic elbow, bionic elbow, bionic elbow. Strutting. Elbow drop, and…that wins him the match as he covers for 3. Huh. Lawler: “Nicky!” Dusty dances. JR: “Get it on, Dust! Get it on, Dust!”
Backstage, RATED S FOR SPIT-SWAPPING are interrupted by THE TWO STUPIDEST PEOPLE EVER. Lita leaves, and Randy asks Maria to…ask a question. Before anything can really happen, BLACK PEOPLE ARE LOUD make lots of noise. Orton insults them. Cryme Tyme refer to Orton as “metrosexual” and a “crack-ass cracker.” Edge says he is “down with the Brothers,” but his point is to insult them. The heels leave. Cryme Tyme were apparently watching “See No Evil” on an unseen monitor (what do those guys even get paid for?) and they force Maria to watch with them and grope her a lot.
Commercials. Don’t jump, Digital John! You have so much to digital live for!
The WWE Close-ups of Dale Earnhardt Jr’s Ass of the Week is Lita getting hit with a giant sausage for no reason.
TONIGHT’S MATCH WITH MICKIE JAMES WILL BE A NO SAUSAGE MATCH comes out. Her opponent is THE ONLY OTHER WOMAN WRESTLER IN THE WORLD. Lita makes this a blindfold match. Because she books matches. JR wonders the same thing, basically: “What’s Lita doing to get all these favors? Who’s she sucking up to?” ME, THAT’S WHO is Coachman, who comes out with a blindfold. Blindfold both of them, then call this a Princess of Darkness Death Match. Anyway, the black hood is put on. Lita attacks from behind. JR calls Mickie “Nicky.” Lita attacks some more. She bounces Mickie off the mat. Big old DDT shows off Mickie’s panties. The fans chant “Lita sucks.” Lita goes up, moonsault. 1, 2, 3. Lita’s got the stick. She cuts a promo about how she’s the best woman ever. Before Lita, there were no Litacanranas. Lita: “I inspired a generation of women!” A new generation of girl pirates. The L-A-D-Y Lita’s not shy. Upside-down DX sign. Lita announces that Survivor Series will be her last match. Here’s some replays. I think I prefer Arn’s retirement speech.
Backstage, Edge is watching Lita and nodding. Orton appears. Orton: “Come on, dude.” The rest of the shitty forces of evil arrive. Everyone walks.
Commercials. See No Evil exists. In case you didn’t know.
Smackdown Rebound. Booker and Finlay vs Batista and Lashley. It’s like I never left. Except that Lashley is going to ECW for some reason. Not that that’s mentioned here.
HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN THINK YOU KNOW ME SAY still have this awful, awful remix theme in which chunks of both guy’s songs and slammed together with no effort at all to make it sound like one piece of music. They get to share an entrance, but THE KENNIEST SPIRIT SQUADDIE OF ALL gets one of his own. Here’s a graphic for the Smackdown First Blood Match, backed by Spirit Squad music. JR: “Special time of the year for the Undertaker.” And no, putting it in context wouldn’t really help. The fourth load on this team is I AM EXTREMELY HUNGRY. And…we go to break.
Commercials. They’re going to show a new episode of Monk in black and white for some reason, and then they’re going to show the same episode in color for some reason, and then the fans get to vote which one they prefer. For some reason.
I hope the crowd enjoyed the extended remix of “Welllllll, it’s the Big Show.” THE YOUNG SCAMP RON SIMMONS SAID A SWEAR is out first for the team that represents love and justice. He is followed out by I ALWAYS PLAYED FARROOQ WHEN MY PLAYMATES AND I PLAYED APA, Professor of Lovenomics. Cena and Flair go straight into the ring like idiots and get beaten down, all so DUST XERRIBLE can save the day and get an extra pop. Stupidly, DX’s entrance was delayed so we could have the heels beat up on Flair and Cena for a while to build heat. Horrible. Everyone but Edge gets dumped for the heels, and we get a delayed “everyone punches him once and he wanders over to the next guy” spot. Flair seems confused. Triple H scoops Edge up and slams him, and HBK goes up top. Macho Elbow connects. Where the Hell are his teammates? HBK tunes up the band (Cena marking out and doing it too) but Show pulls Edge to safety. Show comes in and shoves dudes down. Double-goozle on DX, but Flair kicks Show in the nuts, and Cena shoulderblocks Show to the floor. This match is horrible, by the way.
Commercials. Maybe I’m a rube, but I don’t get scared of cigarettes when you point out that one of the many chemicals in them is also found (amongst many other chemicals) in Nair or whatever. Personally, the whole tar thing is scarier.
We’re back, and Randy is clutching his penis, but somehow he knocks HBK down and tags out to Edge. Edge kicks a bit and tags in Kenny. Kenny punches. Kenny calls Triple H a punk ass, then slams HBK down and covers for 2. HBK fights back a bit, but he runs to the ropes and gets cheapshotted by Edge. Kenny grapevines the leg and tags in Orton, who does the motherfucking Garvin Stomp because he’s a complete moron. Tag to Show, who…immediately starts selling an HBK comeback, oddly, but finally ham-hands his way back. Legdrop, cover, but Triple H breaks it up. Haha, Lawler can’t believe the awesome line-up on Show’s team, and it’s especially funny when he acts in awe of MVP. And now I’m picturing him saying “He blames the fans, JR! HAHA!” Kenny gets tagged in and pretty much does nothing. Edge tagged in for whatever. Bow and arrow, aka modified ninja chokeout. HBK fights out and stuff, but Edge takes him down with a DDT or backbreaker or something. Orton tagged in, and he sort of falls on the mat and rolls around for no reason. JR: “What the Hell was that?” Orton doing push-ups, and I can’t tell if he meant to go down or not. That was really weird. Looking for the RKO, but HBK pushes off, and now Orton is just as hurt by missing the RKO as HBK is from five minutes of being beat down. Race for the tag, and Kenny and Cena get tagged in. Cena is a White House afire. Shades of the War of 1812. YCSM, setting up the F-U, but Show comes in. JR: “The Big Show is just…so big!” All the faces get beat down until Cena slips out of something or other and attax. Chop from Flair, facebuster from HHH, sweet chin music, and Show…isn’t quite out of the ring so HHH helps him out. Now Kenny gets up and gets F-Ued for the win. Edge and Orton are…I have no idea where they are. Now EVERYONE EVER runs in. All the guys at Survivor Series are duking it out, and it looks more like a Royal Rumble than Survivor Series. JR sounds completely lifeless and bored as he says the normal stuff about how he can’t believe what he’s seeing. Wow, the dramatic in-ring reunion of Matt and Jeff (not that they acknowledge each other.)
Final Thoughts: Better than last week.
